Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Change

I find this time of year I am wanting change. Normally, as I approach my birthday, I look back and see what I've done so far in my life, see what else I want, and feel bad that I'm not really where I want to be. When I was growing up, I didn't always think about the future, I had general ideas. I always imagined I would get a good job, get married, buy a house, have children. I never thought I would have a job like the one I do. I thought I would be a scientist, I would work in a lab or something like that. I always assumed I would get married, it is what people do after all. I sometimes wonder what types of dreams for the future Jackson has, or will have. He changes his mind daily, sometimes hourly, but I know he's still young so I tell him he can do or be anything he wants.

I no longer want to be a scientist. I don't really want to work at all. I wish I could stay home and spend time improving my home, taking care of my son, taking care of myself. I feel like I have never really found a job that I loved, but I know I have bills to pay and things I want to do, so I keep doing what I am. There are no real options for me. I can change positions, but ultimately it would be the same job. I am stuck though, I certainly cannot be without a job at this point. Even taking time off to get a different education, at this point seems somewhat pointless. Given my job and pension plan, I have 12+ years of work left.

I no longer want to be married. Though Jackson would like me to be. I find the thought of having to share my life, and decisions, at this point exhausting. There would, I'm sure, be some benefits, especially financially. I simply recognize that relationships are a lot of work, work that I am not interested in putting in. I have nothing against men, or relationships for others, I simply don't want to spend the time and effort myself.

I've said before in this blog that I wanted 3 children. I have one, and I love him. I wish I could have more, but I am not sure I am willing to go forward with donor eggs. I am not even sure I am willing to try IVF. But I also know IUI will likely not work. At this point my body is winding down on the egg production. I haven't had a period since November, missed December and January is technically late. I haven't had a reliable, regular cycle for a year or two now, so I know my time is up, or at the very least it would be very low chances. Financially, I am not really in a position to try any way. I have chosen to spend money on travelling instead of saving to buy a house, or do IVF. Is it the right choice? I don't know but we have certainly enjoyed the trips.

I do recognize that I need to stop the trips for awhile, save some money instead of spending it all. I do have some debt, and it needs to go. If I didn't have that, life would be a lot easier and freer. I know I need to follow a proper budget, pay off the debt and save some money. Maybe even buy a house someday. I like to buy things. Things I can't always afford. And I know it's wrong and bad, and I am trying to change. But like everything else in my life, change is hard. Even when it's necessary change.

Monday, January 1, 2018

Happy New Year

We rang in 2018 asleep. Couldn't make it to midnight! Kiddo was yawning by 9. I was tired too. At least he's feeling better. He was sick a few days after our trip, and we stayed home from work for two days, so I worked half a day after our trip. Oh well! I go back to work on January 8th.

Last year had us taking a lot of trips, and spending a lot of money. This year we have one trip planned, and after that I need to focus on not spending so much. I need to save money. I want to buy a house someday. We also spent a lot on the pets, including the puppy. He is still a work in progress. I think we should have gotten an adult instead of a puppy, he is a lot of work and I cannot wait for him to calm down a bit.

I'm not really sure what our goals, or what my goals any way, are for the coming year. I want to be healthier, lost some weight, save some money. All the usual goals. I also plan to make a final decision on the second baby front.

I will need money, since I expect that I will need to use donor eggs at this point. I will be 43, my cycles have gone wonky, though I don't mind when it decides to skip a month! Well, except that I do feel much older than I am. Or perhaps I am as old as I feel? I need to lose some weight if I want to do donor eggs as well, I think I am close to the limit of what the BMI they will work with allows. I need to make the decision and feel ok with it. I may need to speak to someone, a professional. To sort out my feelings and help focus on a decision.

I think 2018 will be as any other year, me trying to be healthier, trying to do better with money. Kiddo will grow up and be himself. He will complain about having to go to boring school, he will hopefully do some swimming lessons, and perhaps play a sport. I will have to decide if he is going to do French immersion for grade 4. He isn't too happy in school right now. He complains that he doesn't really have any friends, no one cares about him, they are mean, and his teacher takes everyone else's side. I know he is smart, and has trouble because he is ahead of the curve in a lot of ways, and yet younger than the other kids since he is a December baby.

I have a week left until it's back to work. I hope I get some time to myself, I am very much an introvert who likes to be alone and kiddo is the opposite, wanting to be with me all the time. I love him, and love spending time with him, but it can be a bit much. And he doesn't understand, thinks it means I don't care about him or like him if I need time alone. How to deal with that? Not sure, but working on it. Usually I get some time after he's in bed, and that helps. But he has been staying up late because we're on vacation. So not time alone for me! It's only a week. Hopefully the cold lifts at least enough so we can go sledding or something. It has been cold warnings since before Christmas, a long time with terribly cold weather. It would be nice to get out and about. Even in winter.

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Fabulous vacation

We are back from another fabulous vacation. It was a great trip, though the travel (plane) portions were kind of yucky. Kiddo gets plane sick, every time! And the flight home was at a very late time, but was at least direct. The cruise portion was great though, we enjoyed the ship, though I think we are looking forward to trying Carnival again in April. We enjoyed 3 of the ports quite a bit, and the fourth we just stayed on the ship and hung out.

The only issue I had was with kiddo, he blamed anything that went wrong on me. From getting a blister to the tacos at the buffet not being out long enough. Everything was my fault. I eventually got fed up and kind of yelled at him to stop thinking only of himself and to realize that he shouldn't blame others for anything he doesn't like. I may have been a bit harsh, and he was a bit tired. So he had a melt down, crying for a good 10 minutes on the floor of the cabin. Then getting up and I guess thinking about it all. I took him up to check (again) for tacos, there weren't any. He was rather upset. But he held it together. So I booked up at the paid Mexican place for dinner. He ate tonnes of nachos and calamari for supper. He didn't like the tacos or quesadillas. But he was full and I enjoyed the food as well.

Since we got back he has been very loving, telling me how much he appreciates the trip, how much fun he had, and how happy he is that I am his mom. We had a few conversations about how he is a good kid, and he just needs to think of others on occasion. It seems that we have turned some kind of corner, it is very strange but I think it is a good thing. I am looking forward to our two weeks of Christmas vacation. Which may be a few extra days since he seems to have come down with a fever and maybe missing the last two days of school.

I'm not sure which port was the best. We certainly enjoyed the beaches at all 3 places we got off the ship. The beach we chose in St Kitts was not the best choice, it was fun but crowded and the water was quite cloudy. I think we would have been better off at a different beach. I will keep that in mind for next time. Antigua was lovely. We went on a cruise excursion and it was fun, the food was ok, we got a couple bottles of water included (though if I drank I could have had something stronger). The beach was great, I do hear it's not the best on the island. But we had a lot of fun, and kiddo enjoyed jumping the big waves. I think Labadee was perhaps the best day. We went down the roller coaster twice, which was more than enough for me. Then we went to play on the water toys. He had fun, I just tried to avoid the jelly fish! I did get stung but didn't notice until we were back on the ship so I guess it wasn't that bad. We spend time at the quiet beach there then went over to the rougher one, where there was some great snorkeling. We saw so many fish and had a lot of fun there. We ate on the island as well, and eventually went back to the ship, It was a nice day.

Jackson cried, and still cries, when it was time to go. He really enjoyed the trip, and he does hate to fly. He didn't even miss the cats as much this time. I found the 8 night cruise enough. Though I can see wanting to do longer. It would be costly and this was enough.




Sunday, December 3, 2017

Busy December

December is always a busy month. With Jackson's birthday and the holidays, it is also an expensive month. This year is no different. We are going on another cruise, his party was last weekend, and he has been invited to a few birthday parties. I'm also trying to get all the Christmas shopping done before we go, or at least know that what is still left I can pick up easily on my way home from work the few days I will be working in December.

Jackson's birthday party was a success. He got a lot of nerf guns, which is a little annoying to me but is what he told all his friends he wanted, and they came through for him. He went to another party last night, and had a lot of fun. There is one next weekend but we will be away so he'll be missing it. I guess this isn't the time of year to go on a trip! He's not missing much in school, and as a result of the trip and our Christmas holidays I only have to work 9 days in December. So for me, it works!

We do have another cruise, for Jackson's birthday. And I am very excited. He wishes we were going back to Walt Disney World. He'll get over it. I prefer to cruise, it is more relaxing to me, we get to see new places, and try new things. I also don't have to worry if he doesn't like what he wanted for dinner, he can get something else without me having to buy it. We will be in our first ever balcony, and are very excited to see what that is like. I wonder if it's worth it, and thinking probably not. But it seemed like it at the time we booked I guess.

When we are back I will have to think about getting another referral. Though I guess I will have some time since so many doctor's offices close down over the holidays. I just keep getting older. Honestly, I don't see it. It's very strange. I guess I always thought I would know that suddenly I am "old". But I still feel the same as I did in my 20's, except now I have a child and have to be the grown up all the time. Which honestly isn't always that fun.

I guess I need to make the decision and stick with it. I mean I have made the decision multiple times, flip flopping back and forth, and it never sticks. I need it to make sense, be logical, be what feels right, and be undeniable. Then perhaps I can stop wondering, and move on. One way or the other.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Regrets

I try to live my life with no regrets. I don't like to dwell in the past, or feel like a choice I've made was a mistake. I like to believe that I am who I am, where I am, and I like myself, because of all those choices I've made. I may not be where I thought I would be at this age but I think I'm doing well.

Right now I am trying to not regret my choice to not move forward with having another child. It is proving difficult. I'm not sure why. I know it's best for me, for Jackson. But I always wanted to have more than one kid, three in fact, and now here I am at 42, almost 43, and it's too late. I never followed through last year, I would need to start over, new referral, wait 3 months to get seen, wait 3 more months to even try. My odds were 5% at 41, now what? Maybe 2%? what would be the point? And I will be too old for the covered IVF. I don't want to afford that. I could, I'm sure, work it out, but I don't want to. Never mind my cycles have been very irregular lately.

Canada is changing the mat leave rules, I'd be able to take 18 months off. It would be the same amount of pay as over the 12 months currently, but my employer tops up 12 months to 93% of my current salary. My son's school/daycare is going to be offering a toddler program starting soon, that starts at 18 months. Of course he's already in grade 3, so getting to a baby and that baby 18 months it might only be one year of overlap in the same place.

And I have about 14 years until I can probably retire, new baby would be 12 or 13 then? That would be difficult. I don't want to have to work an extra 10 years! I want to retire, buy a mobile home and drive south every winter! I know Jackson would have a hard time sharing me with a sibling, he has already said he wouldn't like it because he wants to be the baby. But of course today he wanted to be a big boy and walk to the park by himself, because it snowed and I didn't want to go out. We ended up at the park, after some yelling on my part. I wonder if my temper can handle another strong willed child.

So here I am, filled with regret over not trying for a second child when Jackson was 2, or 3 or 4... or even last year. Trying to get over it, with great difficulty.

Monday, November 13, 2017

A day off, without kid

Today is one of the rare times I am off work but school is still on. It's usually on November 11th for Remembrance Day but because that was on Saturday I have today instead. Normally I would attend the ceremonies at school, losing the morning to that. But they happened last Friday instead so I have the whole day to myself. I had planned to go see a movie but I think I'm going to stay home and watch some Netflix. I do have to fix my roots. After I bleached my hair blond, it is starting to grown back in so I picked up the supplies to fix it up. Hopefully it works out! I gave myself a hair cut on the weekend too. I googled how to do it, watched some videos and started cutting! I felt very brave, and I think it turned out really well. Though I did cut off more than I had planned.

It is strange to have the time to myself. I don't usually get this. And with no work to rush off to. Even in the summer when kiddo goes to my parent's place I have to go to work. I wish I had more days like this sometimes. But I also know that I am lucky to get so much time with my kid.

We were talking yesterday about having more people in our family. He said he would like to have a brother or sister, ideally older (of course lol). I was looking at adoption sites, he wanted to know what that was about, I explained, he said he wouldn't like that because they wouldn't really be part of the family. I explained more and then he was only concerned that the other child wouldn't look like him. We talked about the whole thing, he was snuggled beside me while watching TV and he said it wouldn't be good because there would be another child to share that with.

I am certain we will only remain a two person household. I am 42 now, and feel my age. We like to travel, it is easier to do with just us. With just us, I can be looking for a two bedroom place when I am able to buy. However that is perhaps still possible with another child. Money is tight, paying for daycare is a trial, even though he is only in before/after care and full time during certain breaks, it is going up. How would I possibly do that with another?

It is hard sometimes. I read about other women who have let go of their dream to meet someone and get married before having kids. I feel like I am letting go of my dream to have more kids. I know what's best for us, but it's still hard really. I wish I had done something sooner, I wish I had done it right away when he was two, I wish I had planned better, saved more, spent less. I wish a lot of things. But I don't regret my choices. I certainly don't regret the fun travel we've done. Our time on those trips is something he will remember forever (I hope).

So now here I am at home, binge watching TV, dreaming of having another baby, or going on way too many trips. I am certain of one thing, my life is not how I imagined it would be while I was growing up. Better or worse than the dream, I couldn't really say.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Happy Thanksgiving

It's Thanksgiving here in Canada. So it's a long weekend, which I love. An extra day off is always welcome! I did start the weekend with a bad cold. Started it Friday at work, wanted nothing more than to sleep yesterday, but am feeling somewhat better today. As is tradition my dad has taken Jackson to a petting farm for the day, they will have lunch and pet animals, ride a little train and play on park equipment. I'm sure they will all have lots of fun. I got the day to myself and was able to go get my shopping done. I picked up the drinks for tomorrow when we will have dinner at my sister's. We are also invited to brunch at my niece's tomorrow morning. So less cooking for me! Great. I did buy everything I need to make Jackson and I a small turkey dinner, which we will have next weekend I think.

My mom messaged me when they arrived yesterday and I asked if anyone wanted to take Jackson for a few hours... my dad came and got him, took him to a play gym for a few hours. Jackson got to run and play and have fun. They also went to Walmart afterwards and got his Halloween costume, one less thing on my to do list!

Jackson has been watching Disney channel, instead of the more cartoon Disney Jr. He is also seeing more commercials now, and of course wanting everything he sees. So my dad got him this little monkey thing that goes on your finger, as he begged me for one and I said no, many times.

Kiddo is doing well in swimming, and the floor hockey. It does make for a busy week for me, but I guess that's ok. I need to really start exercising, more than just walking the dog. I've asked Jackson to help me and he says he would like to exercise with me. I hope I can actually work up the energy to do it. In a few days when my cold is gone and I actually feel like doing anything. I want to be able to do better on our next trip, which is in about 9 weeks. I also need to stop buying lunches! I have been very bad since starting my new job, buying lunch more than bringing it. I can't afford that, and it isn't healthy for me. I manage to make lunches for kiddo everyday, but somehow I can't do it for me. That needs to change. I pay more attention to how well my cats and dog eat than to myself.

My new job is going well. I think. I am learning a lot, and it will certainly be a boost to my resume. But it is also in some ways not the best fit. There are people on my new team who are definitely causing me to keep calm, and try to focus. They aren't giving me any issues with my vacation requests, so far, but I can see that may be an issue in the future. And that won't do for me. At least it is a temporary change, so far, I can go back to my old position and the freedom that came with it.