Sunday, December 3, 2017

Busy December

December is always a busy month. With Jackson's birthday and the holidays, it is also an expensive month. This year is no different. We are going on another cruise, his party was last weekend, and he has been invited to a few birthday parties. I'm also trying to get all the Christmas shopping done before we go, or at least know that what is still left I can pick up easily on my way home from work the few days I will be working in December.

Jackson's birthday party was a success. He got a lot of nerf guns, which is a little annoying to me but is what he told all his friends he wanted, and they came through for him. He went to another party last night, and had a lot of fun. There is one next weekend but we will be away so he'll be missing it. I guess this isn't the time of year to go on a trip! He's not missing much in school, and as a result of the trip and our Christmas holidays I only have to work 9 days in December. So for me, it works!

We do have another cruise, for Jackson's birthday. And I am very excited. He wishes we were going back to Walt Disney World. He'll get over it. I prefer to cruise, it is more relaxing to me, we get to see new places, and try new things. I also don't have to worry if he doesn't like what he wanted for dinner, he can get something else without me having to buy it. We will be in our first ever balcony, and are very excited to see what that is like. I wonder if it's worth it, and thinking probably not. But it seemed like it at the time we booked I guess.

When we are back I will have to think about getting another referral. Though I guess I will have some time since so many doctor's offices close down over the holidays. I just keep getting older. Honestly, I don't see it. It's very strange. I guess I always thought I would know that suddenly I am "old". But I still feel the same as I did in my 20's, except now I have a child and have to be the grown up all the time. Which honestly isn't always that fun.

I guess I need to make the decision and stick with it. I mean I have made the decision multiple times, flip flopping back and forth, and it never sticks. I need it to make sense, be logical, be what feels right, and be undeniable. Then perhaps I can stop wondering, and move on. One way or the other.

Sunday, November 19, 2017


I try to live my life with no regrets. I don't like to dwell in the past, or feel like a choice I've made was a mistake. I like to believe that I am who I am, where I am, and I like myself, because of all those choices I've made. I may not be where I thought I would be at this age but I think I'm doing well.

Right now I am trying to not regret my choice to not move forward with having another child. It is proving difficult. I'm not sure why. I know it's best for me, for Jackson. But I always wanted to have more than one kid, three in fact, and now here I am at 42, almost 43, and it's too late. I never followed through last year, I would need to start over, new referral, wait 3 months to get seen, wait 3 more months to even try. My odds were 5% at 41, now what? Maybe 2%? what would be the point? And I will be too old for the covered IVF. I don't want to afford that. I could, I'm sure, work it out, but I don't want to. Never mind my cycles have been very irregular lately.

Canada is changing the mat leave rules, I'd be able to take 18 months off. It would be the same amount of pay as over the 12 months currently, but my employer tops up 12 months to 93% of my current salary. My son's school/daycare is going to be offering a toddler program starting soon, that starts at 18 months. Of course he's already in grade 3, so getting to a baby and that baby 18 months it might only be one year of overlap in the same place.

And I have about 14 years until I can probably retire, new baby would be 12 or 13 then? That would be difficult. I don't want to have to work an extra 10 years! I want to retire, buy a mobile home and drive south every winter! I know Jackson would have a hard time sharing me with a sibling, he has already said he wouldn't like it because he wants to be the baby. But of course today he wanted to be a big boy and walk to the park by himself, because it snowed and I didn't want to go out. We ended up at the park, after some yelling on my part. I wonder if my temper can handle another strong willed child.

So here I am, filled with regret over not trying for a second child when Jackson was 2, or 3 or 4... or even last year. Trying to get over it, with great difficulty.

Monday, November 13, 2017

A day off, without kid

Today is one of the rare times I am off work but school is still on. It's usually on November 11th for Remembrance Day but because that was on Saturday I have today instead. Normally I would attend the ceremonies at school, losing the morning to that. But they happened last Friday instead so I have the whole day to myself. I had planned to go see a movie but I think I'm going to stay home and watch some Netflix. I do have to fix my roots. After I bleached my hair blond, it is starting to grown back in so I picked up the supplies to fix it up. Hopefully it works out! I gave myself a hair cut on the weekend too. I googled how to do it, watched some videos and started cutting! I felt very brave, and I think it turned out really well. Though I did cut off more than I had planned.

It is strange to have the time to myself. I don't usually get this. And with no work to rush off to. Even in the summer when kiddo goes to my parent's place I have to go to work. I wish I had more days like this sometimes. But I also know that I am lucky to get so much time with my kid.

We were talking yesterday about having more people in our family. He said he would like to have a brother or sister, ideally older (of course lol). I was looking at adoption sites, he wanted to know what that was about, I explained, he said he wouldn't like that because they wouldn't really be part of the family. I explained more and then he was only concerned that the other child wouldn't look like him. We talked about the whole thing, he was snuggled beside me while watching TV and he said it wouldn't be good because there would be another child to share that with.

I am certain we will only remain a two person household. I am 42 now, and feel my age. We like to travel, it is easier to do with just us. With just us, I can be looking for a two bedroom place when I am able to buy. However that is perhaps still possible with another child. Money is tight, paying for daycare is a trial, even though he is only in before/after care and full time during certain breaks, it is going up. How would I possibly do that with another?

It is hard sometimes. I read about other women who have let go of their dream to meet someone and get married before having kids. I feel like I am letting go of my dream to have more kids. I know what's best for us, but it's still hard really. I wish I had done something sooner, I wish I had done it right away when he was two, I wish I had planned better, saved more, spent less. I wish a lot of things. But I don't regret my choices. I certainly don't regret the fun travel we've done. Our time on those trips is something he will remember forever (I hope).

So now here I am at home, binge watching TV, dreaming of having another baby, or going on way too many trips. I am certain of one thing, my life is not how I imagined it would be while I was growing up. Better or worse than the dream, I couldn't really say.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Happy Thanksgiving

It's Thanksgiving here in Canada. So it's a long weekend, which I love. An extra day off is always welcome! I did start the weekend with a bad cold. Started it Friday at work, wanted nothing more than to sleep yesterday, but am feeling somewhat better today. As is tradition my dad has taken Jackson to a petting farm for the day, they will have lunch and pet animals, ride a little train and play on park equipment. I'm sure they will all have lots of fun. I got the day to myself and was able to go get my shopping done. I picked up the drinks for tomorrow when we will have dinner at my sister's. We are also invited to brunch at my niece's tomorrow morning. So less cooking for me! Great. I did buy everything I need to make Jackson and I a small turkey dinner, which we will have next weekend I think.

My mom messaged me when they arrived yesterday and I asked if anyone wanted to take Jackson for a few hours... my dad came and got him, took him to a play gym for a few hours. Jackson got to run and play and have fun. They also went to Walmart afterwards and got his Halloween costume, one less thing on my to do list!

Jackson has been watching Disney channel, instead of the more cartoon Disney Jr. He is also seeing more commercials now, and of course wanting everything he sees. So my dad got him this little monkey thing that goes on your finger, as he begged me for one and I said no, many times.

Kiddo is doing well in swimming, and the floor hockey. It does make for a busy week for me, but I guess that's ok. I need to really start exercising, more than just walking the dog. I've asked Jackson to help me and he says he would like to exercise with me. I hope I can actually work up the energy to do it. In a few days when my cold is gone and I actually feel like doing anything. I want to be able to do better on our next trip, which is in about 9 weeks. I also need to stop buying lunches! I have been very bad since starting my new job, buying lunch more than bringing it. I can't afford that, and it isn't healthy for me. I manage to make lunches for kiddo everyday, but somehow I can't do it for me. That needs to change. I pay more attention to how well my cats and dog eat than to myself.

My new job is going well. I think. I am learning a lot, and it will certainly be a boost to my resume. But it is also in some ways not the best fit. There are people on my new team who are definitely causing me to keep calm, and try to focus. They aren't giving me any issues with my vacation requests, so far, but I can see that may be an issue in the future. And that won't do for me. At least it is a temporary change, so far, I can go back to my old position and the freedom that came with it.

Thursday, September 28, 2017


Normally I hate doing anything in the evenings after work/school. I prefer to plan things for weekends, and even then I am not keen but have tried to do things so kiddo gets experiences. This year I signed him up for swimming on Tuesdays and just put him into floor hockey Wednesdays. I have to stay and watch him swim, but the floor hockey is two hours and a drop off sport. It is kind of nice to be able to drop him off and leave, get the groceries done, take the dog for a long walk, whatever I want to do. We only have 10 weeks of this, so I can do it! He enjoyed the first day of floor hockey yesterday, though he thinks the other kids should aim better so they stop hitting him with the ball. He will be missing the last swimming class since we are going on a cruise around then. We are looking forward to the trip, but a little worried since we are supposed to go to the Eastern Caribbean and so many of the ports have been devastated by hurricanes. 

There was a flyer sent home about a musical theater workshop, 3 hours Saturday mornings to do singing, dancing and acting... I really want him to do it :-) But I'm not sure he really wants to do it. We will discuss it this weekend, I can't sign him up until next week any way.

I started a new position, same level, same pay, same employer, but a new location and a new project. It's interesting so far, but some of the people I am working with are new to the employer and they don't get it yet. One is ex-military, so that is proving interesting. Things in the private (or public) sectors are different from military. He expects orders and to be in charge, but things work more collaboratively, and it's more about facilitating discussions rather than giving orders and expecting reports. We'll see how it goes. One good thing is it is a temporary move, so if it goes well I can work to make it permanent, but if not I can retreat to my old job.

The weather has been very hot the past few weeks, hottest days of the year. Strange for Canada! Today it's back to more normally temperatures, so of course my head is about to explode. Weather causes me migraines for sure. I hope it improves so I can do some things today. I'm supposed to be at work but am not because of the headache, and I am wondering if Jackson is going to make it through the day. He says he hasn't been feeling well. I know he is very tired, staying up too late, getting up too early. I may need to change my work hours a bit so he can sleep in later. We'll see how the next week or two goes.

Monday, September 4, 2017

The Big Disney Trip

We got home yesterday from our big Disney trip. We spent just over a week enjoying all the parks, and the hotel. It was a great trip. Jackson was crying at the end and wanted to know why we can't live there. Our pets were happy to get us back, and get home. All the cats slept with me last night, the puppy in his crate. Kiddo even slept in this morning! He was up late a lot, got less sleep than he really needs I think.

We stayed at the Yacht Club, got a great deal on the room. We had 7 day park hoppers and I got us fast passes for all the rides I knew we wanted to try. We also planned to go to one of the Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party, ended up at both that were on while we were there. I didn't have the dining plan and we only planned on 4 sit down meals. I planned to spend a certain amount on souvenirs, but of course went way over budget! Jackson loves his toys. At least he is so far playing with them. I had ordered some food for the room, including a case of water. We didn't need most of it and I left behind a bunch of water. It was hard to carry it around. Which was annoying at times, and heavy. We had the memory maker, and got a lot of photos.

I knew that Splash Mountain would be closing for refurb after our arrival day so I made a fast pass for it, and we headed to Magic Kingdom after trying to swim. Thunder storms in the area closed the pool, which left kiddo quite unhappy. We had an awesome time at MK, it was our favourite park, and I think we will try to stay closer to it next time. Jackson loved all the thrill rides. Big Thunder Mountain, Splash, 7 Dwarfs Mine Train. He even went on Space Mountain and loved it. We rode it 3 times, well I rode twice and he rode the third time alone. He has a better tolerance for those rides than I do!

Our second day was our first time at Hollywood Studios. We both agreed it's not the best park for us. There is construction going on that will add some rides we will enjoy. We met some characters, had breakfast, tried to stay for Fantasmic but rain made kiddo upset and we left before the show started. We actually had a great time swimming that day as well, spent close to 2 hours at the pool. Jackson went on the water slide many times, I went twice, it hurt my back but he had a lot of fun. Lines weren't long for it that time. We had breakfast at Hollywood and Vine, with Fantasmic tickets. Which were wasted. And kiddo hardly ate. So I don't think we will bother next time.

Our first Halloween party was awesome. Most rides were just walk on. Kiddo rode Barnstormer about 10 times in a row, I only did it a couple times then waited for him. This was the first fireworks we saw, and he said they weren't that bad so maybe we could see the others. Good to know. We enjoyed the party so much we decided to go to the next one. I wish the tickets weren't so expensive. The second party it rained so we didn't do as much. But it was when kiddo agreed to Space Mountain, which is something I have wanted to do since I went to the parks when I was 11. We had dinner at the Beast's castle, which I really enjoyed. Kiddo had steak and green beans, he enjoyed it. But it cost a lot for what we got, and the time it took. And the "scary" room we ate in.

Animal Kingdom is our favourite park. We really enjoy the rides, and the animals. We did a special tour where we got to see a lot of elephants. It was behind the scenes, and super cool. We were so close to the elephants! We got to hear a lot about them, and how they are cared for. They told us about all the animals. How the giraffes know when it's time to go in and start heading for the door. So they had to move their door further out into the park or no one would be able to see them! It was all very interesting.

Epcot was great as well. We went on Test Track and Soarin for the first time. Jackson loved Test Track so much we rode 4 times! We did it twice with fast passes and twice in the single rider lines. It's great that he is 7 and can ride alone. We barely saw the World Showcase. And didn't enjoy anything at the Food and Wine festival that started while we were there. But we still enjoyed the park.

Funny things, Jackson really liked It's a Small World and Spaceship Earth, two rides a lot of people don't care for. After Test Track he found Big Thunder Mountain slow. We enjoyed the new Pandora rides, but he didn't really like Flight of Passage because of all the story telling around it. He found that scary. I tried to eat kids meals for the most part but the choices were more limited so by the end I was eating adult meals. The buffets were not worth it for us, he just doesn't eat enough at those meals. Ordering food was not worth it either, I'm not sure we will do it again. If we can go bag free it might be better.

Now that this trip is done, we start planning the next! And I start a diet. I got a lot of pictures taken, and I hate them all. I need to do better.

School starts tomorrow. We have everything bought, I think. Will need to get a snow suit at some point sooner than later. Time to get the school bag ready for tomorrow.

Travel gets easier and easier with kiddo, he is an old pro now. We are looking forward to the next trip. I am hopefully starting a new position at work shortly, and it better not be a problem going on the December trip or any of the others! I guess we'll soon see.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Summer but not vacation yet

Summer seems to be here. We are having a very wet season, lots of rain and temperatures are not that hot, yet. Today kiddo said he's sick so we've stayed home, and I am not happy about it. He is now, at 11, saying he feels much better. And wants to go swimming in the backyard. Uh no, not how this works buddy! He has two weeks of swimming lessons that started yesterday so that he will be able to do later. And tomorrow he's back at daycare. I don't have the leave to use for this and am really annoyed with him at the moment.

We had a rough end of school, his behaviour was very bad, with a lot of swearing and yelling, defiance and generally arguing about everything. It was very frustrating and made me mad a lot of the time. He spent a week at my parent's and was the same there, I'm not sure he'll be invited back again. It was refreshing for me, and we are back to it. He went back to daycare and the first two days I got bad reports on his behaviour, again, so we had a chat about how I think he is a good boy but making some bad choices, he seems to have improved. Though today is testing me!

I have until August 4th and then I am on vacation for 5 weeks. I cannot wait. I need a change at work, and am not sure what I will be returning to. I don't intend to stay in my current position for long. The upper management has changed and is a bit nuts. things are a bit toxic and not very happy for most people. I am hoping to change jobs when I get back and get out of it. We shall see I guess!

I got an easy set pool for the back yard, it was on sale and not too expensive. Jackson seems to enjoy. I like having something in the yard to keep him busy and out of trouble. He seems to be growing up and doesn't want to play with toys as much. He is a little obsessed with his iPad, which is probably part of his attitude problems. I did take it away one day because of the name calling and yelling. It seemed to help, for a few days any way.

Finn is doing well. He is all fixed up, all his shots, neutered and up to date on all his heartworm, fleas and tick medicines. Not cheap, but he's cute! He does need to go to the groomers again, but he just had his surgery and can't get wet for another week at least, so I'm waiting until my vacation. I found a place to board him for our Disney trip. They aren't too far and we will go out there to see them when vacation starts. He still likes to chase the cats a little much, so we are working on that still. He doesn't pee in the house so much, but because of my work schedule he is more pee pad trained than outside trained. I'm mostly ok with that. He does go outside when I take him outside, but doesn't ask to go out. We'll work on that while on vacation.

Disney is the last week before he goes back to school. We are looking forward to it. We have all our fastpasses and dining booked, the trip is paid for and I ordered costumes for the Not So Scary Halloween party we have tickets for. I hope the costumes arrive in time! The only thing to pay for on the trip is food and souvenirs. I know how much that should be and we have some time to buy some USD. The rate is getting better too so that's nice.

Buying a house, I finally got my money but have to wait until late September to use it as a down payment. However the housing market is a bit crazy. Things are selling super fast, and for multiple offers. There are no new builds in my price range that have a yard. We may end up going outside the city. There are a few places that are up to 30 minutes from work, so not too bad. We are 20 minutes away now. I'd get a bigger yard, which I suppose is good? I'm not keen on yard work but I'm sure I can learn, or hire someone :) Even outside the city though, it's still hard to find something we want, in a price I'm willing to pay. Jackson wants a big pool, I want my own bathroom, and a nice kitchen. I also don't really want to have to move him in the middle of the school year, so it may be next summer when we move. Gives me time I guess?

We have 3 cruises booked! December this year, April 2018 and January 2019. We do love to travel so it gives me something to look forward to. I actually have two booked in April but need to cancel or move one. I am hoping they release their 2020 or late 2019 itineraries so I can move it to then. Jackson will miss some school, but I don't really care. He's still in elementary school, maybe when he gets to high school it'll make a difference. We were going to go on March break but the flights and everything were crazy expensive!
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