He wants me

We had a relatively good week. There were some issues, one day he was hitting the other kids and saying "I'm the boss". But we talked about it and read again about the No Hit Hula, which seems to help, though I'm not there when he's in his mood at school or daycare so perhaps it doesn't really help.  He was asking for Baby Bop one night at bed time. It took me until I went to bed almost 3 hours later to realize he was asking for baby belle cheese.

This weekend has been really nice.  Saturday we went hiking in the woods, and saw a lot of wild life. We fed some ducks, and saw little red squirrels and chipmunks.  It was really nice and enjoyable. He climbed a fallen tree, played on rocks and tree stumps. It was nice and fun, the weather was cool but good.  We then spent time in the yard cleaning up the garden, and then out front where he rode his various bikes and drew pictures with some chalk on the driveway.  We watched the new Jake and that was exciting, then it was bedtime and of course he had to talk quite a bit.

I have realized that what makes him happy is me. He wants me. To pay attention to him, to play with him, to entertain him, and to involve him. Friday he helped put the stew ingredients in the crock pot, and was so excited that he helped.  This weekend he helped me do the laundry, putting things into the dryer, folding towels, and putting things into the washer.  He also helped put his stuff away in the end.  He really just wants to spend time with me.

I see it when I drop him off at daycare, he wants me there, he doesn't want me to leave, just wants to go back home with me and hang out. I know we can't do that everyday, but I do wish we could too. I know it will pass so I am trying to enjoy it.  I think part of it right now is all the changes of the new school. He's looking to me for stability and security.

Funny thing he's been doing is pretending he has a baby sister. Today at the park he put her on the swing and was pushing her... it was a little strange but he has a very active imagination and is very creative. The daycare teachers have commented that he is very verbal, he talks a lot. Yeah I know that. I guess part of it is because I have always talked so much to him. Now I don't get the chance to since he is constantly talking! I know there is more to it of course but I am not a big talker normally, I am the quiet reserved type who really only talks when I have something to say. But I talked to him a lot while he was growing, even when he couldn't talk back. He didn't say much until around 16-18 months, then he started... and never stopped!  He uses some words in strange ways but generally is really good.

We have been talking about lies and truth, and about "bad words" like hate. He has started saying things like "I hate you" and I don't like it, so we talk about how that is not a nice word and we don't use that here. He is learning, and soaking it all up. He is learning that lies are "telling stories" and that he should not be doing that. I am hoping the hate word goes away soon.

I wish I could stay home with my boy, at least not have him in daycare even if he's going to school. I have some guilt over it, that because I did this on my own I don't have the chance to stay home with him, to be there more for him. I ship him off to daycare, and if I had done better with money, with relationships, I wouldn't need to do that. It's fleeting, but the guilt is there. There is a lot of guilt over a lot of different things, I screwed up my credit so we can't buy a house, I screwed up savings and spend too much so we can't buy a house or have another baby, I screwed up the money so he'll be an only child forever because now I'm getting too old, I eat badly and am unhealthy so I can't have another baby.  Lots of things I can change, but guilt bogs me down. Perhaps if I let go of the guilt and know I'm doing the best I can, perhaps then I can do even better.