Happy

I've always been a worrier, an anxious kind of person.  As a kid I was always worried I'd failed a grade, wouldn't get a good teacher, wouldn't have any friends.  None of which happened of course, but the anxiety was always there.  I still think I was pretty happy for the most part, I had everything I could want, and was content with life.

Depression has always been in my life.  I think my mom suffered from it for a long time before she got help.  I know I had bouts of it over the years.  I would wonder what the point of living was, what to do next.  Over that time I've often managed to pull myself out of it by taking care of something, or someone.  I had a cat first, he had some expensive health issues but he was what got me through.  I did end up on medication for depression, and it really did help.  I think the fact that spring came again helped too, my sadness gets worse in winter. 

Then I met my ex.  Talk about having to take care of someone.  He had issues, lots of them.  Still does I'm sure.  Anxiety and depression were part of them, ones he never really worked on solving.  And he had some serious issues with money.  We were together 4 years and I paid for everything, rent, groceries, utilities, heck I even made half his car payments and help him pay his child support.  Then I got tired of it.  Tired of giving and not getting anything back, of feeling drained and alone though I was living with someone. 

Not really sure still how it all ended, but he told me his parents had separated and he had to move back to help his mom, so he moved out.  I was quite upset that he was just gone when I got home, he left while I was at work, left a note and vanished.  He left in September, by about January, early February, I was once again sunk into a deep depression.  I thank my dog for getting me through that one, a dog needs to out so I had to get up in the morning.  I had to go to work so I could pay the rent. 

Eventually I read a book, Feeling Good I think it's called.  It's about behavioural therapy for depression and while I didn't exactly follow the steps or do the activities, it helped.  A lot.  I managed to turn myself around.  Because of that book and  video a lady at work loaned me, the Secret.  Between the two I decided that I would get the life I want, I would have kids and be a mom, I would do what I wanted.

Then my ex called.  He came over.  We talked.  He thanked me for making him leave, for making him grow up.  He told me about how he had tried to kill himself and ended up in the hospital, how he was working again and dealing with things.  I didn't want to get back together, but have to admit it felt nice to be desired.  Even a bit.  I asked a favour, and he obliged. 

Now I have my son.  Becoming a mom was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.  Seeing my son for the first time flooded me with joy and happiness, more than I can express.  I have now gone through two winters without the slightest feeling of sadness, except of course those first few weeks of sleep deprivation lol, though that wasn't really sadness I suppose.  I can just picture my son and get flooded with joy.  Checking on him before bed gives me a happy feeling before I fall asleep.  It's awesome.

And the funny thing is there is a woman at work who commented on this today.  She has known me awhile, before when I was not so happy, then we didn't work together for a couple years, and now again we work in the same area.  She said to me that before I was a nice enough person, but now I am so much "more".  She can see the joy in me that my son brings to my life.  Isn't that an amazing thing?  I know I had happy moments before, but now even the crappiest moments are so short lived, and so easy to dispel.  Joy and love are very much part of my life, and always will be.  I am a happy mommy :-)