Winter Blah

 Winter has decided to really roll in, with some snow and temperature's dropping. Of course since Ontario is in lock down we are stuck at home and it is starting to show. Jackson hasn't been playing with his "friends" the past few days so has been a bit more bored than usual. He has made friends with a boy in Ireland who enjoys the same game he plays in Minecraft, so he plays with him in the afternoon but there is a time difference so not all day. 

He's once again interested in dinosaurs and we have watched the same few documentaries over and over again, the then reenacts them with his dino toys, but there are fewer than there once were. I got rid of tonnes of them over a year ago, and he hasn't wanted to play with them until now. Of course now he wants more of them so I ordered a few but we'll see if they are what he expects. I don't plan to replace any more. There is a lot I don't want to replace any more to be honest. 

We have also been playing dinosaur games outside, but today was too cold for me. I am sure we'll be back out there tomorrow, and probably need to shovel a bit as well. He loves it, I tolerate it, and sometimes we take the dog out too. He gets cold so it's a good excuse to head back in. I know when I was his age, or younger, I played outside on my own but apparently that isn't a thing with kids now. I think if this had all happened when I was his age, if we'd had the technology, I'd have been ok to play alone. And I think sometimes this is harder for me because I have his care and mental well being to worry about. 

Between winter and covid and work, I am having a hard time. I am struggling with this round of lock down. I think the fact vaccinations are so close, yet so far away, is not helping. I really look forward to life returning to some semblance of normal again. I hope that Jackson will go back to school eventually, I hope that we will be able to travel, visit my parents, see friends. Get out of the house and DO something. It's taking a toll on both of us, he is bored and cranky, though he's been sleeping better. I am irritated and on edge. This is a struggle, the worst it's been yet. I really hope this lock down stuff ends soon. We need to be able to get out. I want desperately to be able to travel. Since we started doing our trips this is the longest we have gone without anything, before this it was 16 months and then we knew we were going back. This time it's been 17 months already with no end in sight. Likely 28 months or more. It's a first world problem for sure, but it is impacting my mental health. 

We still have rodents in the garage, though I've set traps and poison and tried to get rid of them. It's frustrating and I'm not sure what else I can possibly do. The back deck is still falling apart, I will let the landlord know about that in spring once the snow melts again. Though I don't want to live through it's repair or deal with them coming to check it out before it can get fixed. These are the things that make me want to move. But moving is so much work... and today I am not sure I can do it. I haven't got the energy or motivation to do the work that needs to be done. There is a lot of work to do here before we can move. I have so much I want to do, but I also wonder if moving is the best idea. The places I found outside of town are out, kiddo threw a fit about leaving the school he thinks he wants to go to. Even though he hates school, and his "friends" aren't always nice to him. I am so hoping the pediatrician appointment is helpful. Something needs to change. 

Not so epic anything

This time of isolation and social distancing is starting to cause my anxiety to soar, and my stress levels to go rather high. I admit I may have taken some of it out on the boy. I yelled at him at lunch time when he didn't want what I offered. Mind you, he is incredibly picky and with shopping being difficult he can't keep it up. I got fed up, I made two lists. The first is all the lunches we have available for the next week, he can tell me what he wants instead of saying "what do we have?" and then refusing what I tell him we have. I also told him to put things on the list of what he wants for lunches, so when I go to the store I can hopefully get what he wants and will eat. I also made a list for dinners, with the caveat he has to tell me the day before because some of it has to be thawed to be cooked. So tomorrow we are having pork chops and rice.

Easter is coming, it is a little bit sad. I am used to being with family, sometimes we have a meal with my parents and one with my sister. This year we can't do either one. So I suggested we have a group facetime chat. Hopefully it goes well! It will be nice to at least "see" everyone. We are having ribs for dinner, Jackson's choice. Not sure I will have them or not, but we'll see.

I am lucky I was able to get the ribs at the store Thursday. There was a lengthy line up to get into the store, an explanation by a worker before we went in, and of course social distancing. I had planned on two stores due to the various sales, groceries have been a little expensive and I was trying to save money. Sadly I didn't do as planned, and ended up spending more than I should have. That seems to be par for the course lately. I shouldn't need to go back for a week though. I didn't get eggs, but hopefully we will manage without them! Otherwise I will have to go somewhere and get eggs and maybe a loaf of bread.

Work has been very busy, and very irritating. I am having a hard time balancing making sure Jackson does what he should, getting my own work done, and learning the job at the same time. It's new and I am not good at it. I believe I have the option to stop working from home because I have kiddo to look after, the problem is I don't want to cause problems for the rest of the team, and I don't want to be overly bored. Nor do I want this held against me if I want to work from home on PD days or snow days at some point in the future. It is very different though, one day a month versus months on end. And I do think this will be months on end. I am fairly certain this will go on longer than May.

School at home has been a disaster, he refuses to do it, tells me I don't respect what he wants to do... I don't even know how to manage this right now, I am just so frustrated and tired. I wish I could have the time to focus on helping him but the work is so busy. I need to be able to spend an hour a day at least with him. I don't really care if we are learning what his teachers have for him to learn, as long as he is learning age appropriate things that will help him in the future.

My diet and exercise are difficult. I have been walking the dog two or three times a day, unless it's cold and yucky like today, then it was only once. My knees and hips ache, I am feeling old (and fat). It is helpful to get out and move, the walks help me break up the day and work. But they certainly aren't enough to help me lose weight. I have been eating more than I should, still. I changed my plan so I don't get the fit points added on, so it's just daily and weekly points, but I am sure I really eat more of them than I should. Part of it is the anxiety, I get upset, and eat. I worry, I eat. Kiddo drives me nuts, I eat.

I am sometimes glad I don't have more kids during this time, it would be a lot to manage. But perhaps it would be better? Maybe having someone to play with would help the boy. I can't imagine having to go get groceries with a little one along though. They want to limit it to one person, but aren't enforcing it. I can't imagine how single parents would manage with little babies, I know there are grocery deliveries and even pick up options, but both are hard to come by right now. The local stores where you can order online and pick up are two weeks ahead, how do you manage that? You can only have one order placed at a time, so you can only get stuff every two weeks, and can't change your order in some cases. When Jackson was on milk we went through 2+ bags of milk a week! He wouldn't drink it frozen, so I'd have to be buying 5 bags every two weeks, and hoping for good expiry dates. Right now it's also hard to find certain things in stores, there are empty places on shelves. I managed to get a 24 pack of TP, which is great, should last a few weeks! But other things are missing, including a large number of cleaning products.

I trust and hope that at the end of this, life returns to somewhat normal. I can't imagine it will be the same, I think everything is changing. I really hope I will be able to cruise again, I hope we will be able to go back to Disney, to go to Universal, and Seaworld, Perhaps an All Inclusive at some point. And to see Canada, from coast to coast. I want to see things, to do things, to not be stuck at home. Yet, if I'm honest, I like being home, if I wasn't for having to take care of the boy this would be not so bad. I worry if I get sick, how will he be taken care of? He can't cook, he won't be able to feed and water the pets. No matter what, I have to be able to take care of him.

Winter already?

What is with the weather? A snow storm already, why is it starting so early??? I just do not like winter and snow. Yet I am Canadian, I mean we live in this. I have been here 44 years, I should be used to it! But wow this seems early. I don't know what I am going to do to get through this. I have a hard time going out and even walking in the snow. I don't ski, I don't skate. It will be hard to keep us busy and hopefully active. I hope the roads are ok by morning, or the commute will be terrible and I have a meeting in the afternoon that I need to be at work for. At least it's a short week, only 3 days to get through. But then it's full weeks until Christmas! Ugh again. I may need to take a day off to do my Christmas shopping, sometime in mid-December I guess.

Jackson really wanted a Star Wars birthday with the new movie, but the theatres don't do parties over the holidays so we can't. He's sad. I'm sad. But we'll go see it together. I will get us tickets soon. It will give us something to do over the two weeks off. It meant a back up plan for the party, so we are looking at swimming again. At least he likes to swim and everything. So hopefully that will be fun? It's about the same cost, and same number of kids. If we had a nicer, cleaner, more organized home it would be possible to do a movie party with coming back for cake I guess. But that's not an option this year at least. Maybe if we move.

I wish we could go on a trip this winter. I'm not sure how well I will survive it. I am trying to hold on to the thought of moving, thoughts of having another baby, but what I really want is a cruise and beaches. That's a "right now" kind of thought I guess. What the kid wants, a cell phone with a plan and a new computer. Since he's been using mine, he broke his table, I kind of wish he had his own as well. At least then I wouldn't be spending so much time in the basement. Though the cats are happy about that, they like to play with their toys without the dog trying to get in on the action. He's been playing a lot of fetch in the house, which he seems to love. We thought we lost his ball but found it. Now we have a back up since I bought a new one just in case.

We are going to my parents this weekend, need to stop and get kiddo's new passport photos done as well. Might as well get that sorted. It's hard to believe it was 5 years ago we got his first passport and were getting ready for our first trip. It sparked a love of cruising and Disney. One that I hope we can enjoy many more times.

The social worker

Jackson has been having difficulty in school. Not with learning, he is very smart, but with the social/emotional aspects of it. He is behind in those it seems. So he rages at the slightest insult, perceiving it to be much greater than it is. Because he can't decompress, each issue is compounded. And he brings it home. The words that come out of his mouth... I haven't heard such language from adults, let alone an 8-year-old. I talked to the vice principal, she explained their plans to help him, and also that they could set me up to speak with their social worker, who could also speak to him if needed. I took them up on it and today we met.

It was 90 minutes of me talking (and crying, because I am a cryer). Going over everything, from his conception to his birth, to how he was as a baby, and even potty training. She listened, asked a lot of questions, I hope I gave her all the information. Then she made some recommendations.

First is to follow up with the family doctor to see about testing for ADHD, depression and/or anxiety issues.I messages the doctor's office to see if they want to meet with me, him, both or what to get that started.

I'm supposed to talk to my EAP and find out what is covered and seek a psych-ed assessment. I will start that at work tomorrow. I also wanted to check what my insurance coverage is for psychologists and see if I need a referral first (we do).

She recommended a place in Ottawa that specializes in children with possible mental health issues, to help us learn collaborative ways to problem solve. That's free, I think I can call and talk to someone or we can go to a drop in time. We'll see first what happens with the doctor and EAP.

She gave me the names of some places I can go to talk to for support since she thinks I'm carrying all the guilt. I think those are free as well. But again, will wait to talk to EAP first.

She recommends a babysitter so I can go out sometimes. That's hard. We have a crazy puppy, the house is not at a point I'd want other people in it, to be honest I hate it myself and find it hard to keep everything sorted. Work in progress. Drives me nuts. We'll see how that goes!

She recommends Jackson be involved in a community activity. The problem there is he only wants to play hockey and it's expensive, so we need something else. I suggested swimming since he was so good at it. I wish he'd try again.

She recommended two books. One I can find and the other I cannot. So I'll start with the one I can find, I will get it on kindle Wednesday (pay day) as the waiting list at the library seems really long.

And she says to limit technology. None allowed in his room (he's up there now watching YouTube on his iPad) and none after 7 pm. That will be a big fight. He currently uses it to self calm before bed. We will have to go back to me staying with him while he falls asleep, starting it earlier, and for sure it will be a process. I may get him to take some melatonin before bed, at least for the first few days to help him calm his mind and hopefully sleep. Earlier bed time.

We have two "problems" that I can see at the moment, his refusal to go to daycare/school and his language/temper tantrums at home. I showed him the times that could work, explaining that I need to work a certain number of hours in the day, unfortunately he is not old enough to be home alone for long periods of time, so his choices are daycare before school and walk home after, daycare before and after but for shorter times, or daycare after and on PD days. He wants to go with what we are currently doing, but he doesn't like it. Well I don't like going to work either but sadly we all have to do things we don't like sometimes. Hopefully we can get through that bit!

I'll have a follow up phone call in 4 weeks, right after his birthday, and hopefully things will be improving, at home and at school. He had a note today that he needed to write two apology notes and he'd know why and to whom. I made him do it. He wasn't happy and will not tell me what all happened. I also got a text from the mom of a boy he walks home with that Jackson pushed him off the side walk into the street. Now first of all the other boy plays football and I'm sure weighs twice as much as Jackson. But that's fine, we spoke about it as I was outside going to check the mail when he got home and he was crying. He told me the two boys he was walking with were teasing him and wouldn't stop. The other boy's mom was with them and apparently got mad at Jackson as well, didn't seem to care that her son was calling him names. I told Jackson to avoid walking with them if he can. I know they go the same way he does so it's hard. And yes he needs to learn to ignore these things, but he's not there yet. So it goes.

I guess I need a "self care" plan as well... what can I do for myself to get through this? I'm not even sure to be honest. I know exercise, eating better, sleep should all be top of the list... we'll see!

Winter Sadness

I don't like winter. Even ones like this year where we didn't get snow until very late, and the weather hasn't been that bad. I have a hard time and used to get depressed a lot. It has been almost 7 years since my last bad winter. I think last year would have been bad if we hadn't gone on our trip. With that in mind we will be going away next February. This year we are going in May and I guess it is too late really. It will be an awesome trip, but it's still over 3 months away!

I have been feeling down. I haven't felt like this since before I had kiddo. I guess I haven't been taking my vitamin D or anything lately. I have started that at least. Hopefully it will help a bit. Work is going to be more interesting for a couple weeks as well, I will be taking over for someone on vacation and doing something a little more challenging than I normally do. Hopefully that helps as well. I feel like I haven't been the best mom lately. I get short tempered, and long for alone time. Which is not good with a kiddo running around.

Last night they had a movie night at the school. It's free,you can order pizza or buy snacks, but I didn't have any cash. Never seem to have actual cash! Money in the bank but not in my purse... Any way. Jackson really wanted to go and I did not. I had actually forgotten about it but of course he had not. We went, I was cranky. I didn't have any desire to see the movie, he doesn't actually like movies, but we went. And he ran around the gym where they showed the movie. It was so loud, so many children running around, so few actually watching the movie! But he was happy so I am glad we went even though it was difficult for me.

My birthday is tomorrow. I turn 41. And I wonder about what my life is. I am trying to be happy with what we have. We rent a nice place with a landlord that fixes things pretty quickly. He replaced the washing machine within a week when it broke. I wish we could be living in something we (or the bank) owns, but until we sign a new contract at work it won't happen. We are travelling. We did the trip last year that was so awesome. This year we are going on a 4 night cruise and 3 nights at Disney. I can't wait, we are trying a different cruise line but I think it will be good too, and I am hoping to do more. I love cruising because everything is included. Well for us since I don't drink, and we are happy with the drinks that are included. I also love waking up in a new place every day or two, seeing different beaches, different countries, different everything! I still get to sit and relax while he's being taken care of by the kids club, and he has fun meeting new kids from other places.

I am trying to brighten my mood. The last time I was able to use some cognitive stuff to help, so I am trying that again, and my vitamin D. I know exercise, and eating better, would help as well. I am going to start my Walking in the morning, I do indoor videos to start usually. It makes me feel better to move, but I tend to fall off the wagon and get lazy. I have been doing a lower carb thing the past week. It gets a little pricey sometimes, if I don't pay attention to sales. But I feel so much better when I follow it, and it helps I usually lose a few pounds too. I add in extra carbs for Jackson but I think he does better eating more vegetables and proteins too. Though he may disagree... since he loves his rice, pasta and french fries! But he is good about veggies and now that we have had a discussion about how frozen veggies in winter are what we can afford (why is cauliflower $6!) he is willing to eat them. So that helps.

We have an SMC get together next weekend and I really want to go. But I also just want to stay home. I think it is good for Jackson that we go, even though he is a little over it since there seem to be more "babies" there now. I like that he sees other families made up like ours. Of course many of them now have a second, are expecting a second (in one case expecting twins after a singleton!) and with the new little babies, it all just makes me come home saying I need to have another baby. But I'm 41. Or I will be in 6 hours any way :-)  How did I let so much time pass? I should be watching two kids, or three, play on the floor right now, instead of one little boy who is my life and so amazing. He is pretty awesome. I love him. And I want to be better for him.

Depression

I have always been an anxious person. I get worried and upset about just about everything. When I was in school I would be worried that I had failed, and end up with straight A's. In junior high I was miserable, I had a year where I was bullied, had no friends, basically felt worthless, hopeless and helpless. It was terrible, I wonder how I survived it. I did though, as I have every bout of depression I've since experienced. And I've had quite a few. I think I am in one now. It's not bad, well not as bad as I suppose it could be. It is annoying, and I don't like it. I don't like feeling this weight on me, this heaviness.  It makes me angry, and I have taken that anger out on my kid. Yelled at him when I don't want to, let little things bother me, said things I shouldn't say.

In the past I have taken medication to help, but hate the way it makes me feel. The last bad time I somehow managed to "talk" myself out of it. There is a book called "Feeling Good" I believe, I did some of that, and it worked.  That was just before I got pregnant, so it has been awhile. While I was pregnant that ob-gyn I saw kept trying to get me to go on anti depressants, worried I'd have postpartum depression I guess. It was one of many annoyances from her. After Jackson was born I was very happy. I had a rough first few weeks with my little guy who didn't want to sleep, but once I managed to get some sleep myself I felt better and we went along.

Going back to work was hard, every time he's changed daycares has been hard. Every time we have money problems it's been hard. Work is hard, so many changes, not always good ones. Every little thing adds to the pressure and worry. I've had a couple health issues, pet issues, nothing so terrible on its own, but just over all adding to the pressure.  And just now it's all a little much for me. I think I need a break, but of course there are no breaks from being a mom. Especially not a single mom.

In some ways I know what I need to do, I need to get back to my exercising, I need to eat better, I need to meditate or do some visualization. I need to be better in control of my own emotions. And it needs to be now, not in a week, but now. The problem of course is I am tired. The thought of doing something makes my head hurt. I can't afford to eat the way I'd like to, I can't afford not to though.

I sometimes get overwhelmed by all the things I want to be able to do, and wanting them now. Then realizing they may never happen at all, that time is ticking on and nothing really changed. It is hard to see the best things, the good things that I want. I feel disappointed, and like a failure. I want to buy a house someday, I still sometimes want another kid, or to travel lots, those two swap in my head every week :-)  I want to pay off all the debt, and not rack it up again. I want to be able to work part time or take summers off, or maybe both. Most of all I want to be a good mom, to be patient, and happy, to have fun with my kid, and to enjoy him.

Chatterbox

I am exhausted. The weather was not so nice yesterday, freezing rain and super slippery, so we stayed in. Today we went out to get groceries. We bought a lot of healthy stuff, fruits, veggies, meat, very little else but some pea soup he's been insisting he wants for lunch (they used to have it at daycare so I bought some, if he actually eats it I will make some, it can't be that hard!).  In the hours we've been awake, my little boy has talked, no-stop.  It is exhausting to listen to!  I am an introvert, I like quiet and solitude. I love my kid, love being with him, but oh my, there are moments when I wish he would fall asleep or just learn to read a book himself, or something!

He isn't shy either, he talks to everyone. We ordered a pizza last night (yeah I know, so not on the diet!) and he told the delivery guy all about getting his hair cut. Seriously the guy just wanted to get paid and get out! Then today at the check out line, he told the cashier that we were buying only healthy things, so no candy. And that mommy likes things like onions and salad but he doesn't. He likes kiwis though, and strawberries. And he's going to have a smoothie when he gets home. And on and on.  The check out girl was a good sport, I find some of them are, they all get this little amused smile as he chatters on.  He does this quite often when we shop, he will also talk to other shoppers, or comment on their carts, the lady behind us in line had a colourful cart. Turns out she was also the mom of another daycare kid so he felt justified in talking to her.  He really is a character.

I am glad he has a big vocabulary, that he can express himself and that he has no apparent issues with his speech. But man, sometimes I long for silence!  Even right now, normally I'd have the TV on but I've turned it off, I'll go to bed soon but I just wanted to hear no talking for a little bit.  Silence.  Ah.

We have had a good week with back to work and school. I think I am going to enjoy my new job, so far it seems to be something I can do and will be good at once I get access to everything and am able to read over the files I'll be in charge of. There was some aggression from him at bedtime, so we've moved it up earlier. It takes an hour to get him into bed and asleep, without a bath. It involves a lot of talking and "one more snuggle". He sneaks back down stairs at least once to watch something of mine while we snuggle on the couch. This has caused me to be sure and have the TV on HGTV instead of Grimm or Lost Girl.  And yesterday I cut his hair. I need to find some ear plugs for kids for next time so he'll let me use the clippers again because they are "too loud" and he cries when I use them, but they are so much faster and easier than using the scissors!  He has a little buzz cut now.

I'm still doing my supplements, and trying to stick to my eating. Obviously I make some mistakes, but in general I think I'm good 80% of the time. It was hard last week because I had a cold as well, new job, cold, yuck. I was in bed early, and up early, but no exercise really. I will get the yoga going again tomorrow as the cold has gone and I have more energy. I have some CoQ10 on the way, it was supposed to arrive Friday but with the bad weather got delayed. Oh well. I ordered some more magnesium as well, because it does seem to be helping with my sleep, so I'll keep up that habit.  And I don't want to run out before the new stuff arrives. Also some vitamin D as I realized the stuff I was using actually expired over a year ago. I take it in winter as I tend to get SAD and it helps, obviously fresher stuff will help more. I think the only thing I haven't really gotten to try is royal jelly, and I'm not planning to as it is quite expensive. The CoQ isn't cheap of course, but it was on sale and I have enough for 2 1/2 months.

Eating healthy does seem to cost more than our "normal" diet. We'll manage of course and it will balance out a bit, the oranges I bought will last a couple weeks, I bought two kinds of meat on sale, to put some away for another week. So it will be ok I think.  I am of course a sale shopper and coupon user as well.

Now I think I'll head to bed. According to my chart I ovulated at day 16, and it is now day 26. Past few cycles 26 days was how long my cycle was. And I have been irritated today, so that is one PMS sign I'll be starting tomorrow. But my chart predicts a 14 day LP of course, I think it's wrong though. Interesting to watch and see. If my temp drops I'll know for sure. It wasn't down today. I am interested to see a few cycles with temps.  And then to figure out what it all means.

feels like a breaking point

I am not sure if there is some hormonal pms type issue going on, but in addition to that, I have to say, I am so tired.  Tired of the bedtime fights, and the difficulty that goes with it.  I am tired of my dog, tired of my boy trying my patience and me losing it.  I just don't know what to do any more, it feels like I am angry and upset way more than I need to be, more than I want to be.  I just don't understand it any more.

I still love being a mom, and love my son. But boy oh boy, does he know how to push my buttons, and sometimes he seems to do it on purpose. Like bedtime tonight, he finally went upstairs, then went and hid in my closet instead of going into the bathroom to pee, brush his teeth and get his pj's on.  I tried counting, he eventually started crawling towards the bathroom, ok at least he was moving in the right direction, but then, he kept going, right on past it.  Umm no. So I grabbed him, put him in the bathroom and sat him on the potty. He started to scream at me, I mean the high pitched screech that everyone can hear. At that point I lost it. I screamed right back... yeah how wonderful. He kept crying, I got him ready for bed, his teeth brushed, and carried him into his room.  I told him I'm done with this nonsense and he knows better.  He kept crying. I told him I lost my temper, he told me to put it back.  Yeah... I'm getting temper advice from my kid. I ended up reading him a story and saying good night.  I didn't bring the monitor down tonight. I will go up and check on him again shortly, but I don't hear any screaming. Not sure if I would or not from down here. 

Something needs to change, this can't go on. I don't like being angry, I take it out on the dog.  Poor dog, he got a walk today but certainly not daily. He gets ignored, and I feel like I'm neglecting him. I don't even know what to do about that, do I try and re home him?  He's 7 but probably have another 10 years in him. He is probably not the best dog to have with kids, he has nipped at Jackson, like a herding dog, which of course I don't like, and he barks a lot.  But he's very much my dog, though I think he's been changing that a bit as well. He will go for a walk with other people. Is it fair to try and find him a new home?  Probably not.  Is it fair to keep going with him as is?  Definitely not. What to do? I'll have to figure that out I guess.  Soon too.

I had naively hoped that moving would help with the sleep issues, perhaps help my temper as well. But I know it will take more, that I need to change things up, to let something go. When I was at my wits end with the night time bottle feeding, I ended up having to let it go, it got to a point where I simply realized I had to embrace it, and that helped. I am not sure if that is even possible in this case, I do know that I have to do something though, some change or we'll both suffer for it. We already are really. 

To move

I am moving.  Soon.  I am tired of living in this place that annoys me, and with neighbours who are questionable and a frustrating landlord.  I feel like I am at a crossroads, I want to be in a nicer place, closer to a good school.  Closer to my family and friends.  But moving is hard!  It's expensive and finding the right place, timing everything, packing... cleaning... tossing!  There is a lot to do and I should be doing it all now.  Not being on here.  Not watching TV, or at least doing something more when I am.

I've ordered boxes, packing tape, garbage bags.  And I am pretty sure I know the movers I want to use.  Now I just need to find the right place.  I have 3 that I am looking at.  One I saw today, it was nice but older.  The appliances weren't the best.  The layout was great, the backyard was really nice, and it was very close to my sister's place.  Which would be great for having a babysitter.  It had an odd smell.  But it also costs the least.

Saturday I am going to see another one, it is a bit bigger, a little further from my sister and I think a bit older than the one I saw today.  It costs a little more,but not a whole lot.  It is right beside a park, backs onto the park actually, and the school for the district has full days kindergarten with before and after school care in the school.  That would be super convenient.  I will have to see the layout, it is lacking the eat in kitchen I would like, but has a fireplace, and a master bathroom which I would really like.

The last place is brand new, like it hasn't been finished yet.  So there will be mud, no fence, gravel driveway, the dog will have to be tied up. But it's new.  And the owner seems pretty nice.  It costs more, quite a bit more really.  So is it worth it?  I'm not sure, it is further from my sister, but close to a good friend. 

I know I want to move but I wish there was a sign as to which place I should get, where I should be living.  It is frustrating and slightly annoying.  I didn't think I would move until I can buy, but I know I won't be able to buy for at least a few more years.  It is sad but the way it is, unless I win the lottery I will be a renter.  I just want to rent a nicer place, something better than what I have.

I did contact a couple other places that looked great, but they are for rent NOW so they didn't want to wait until March.  One was very rude so I won't be contacting him again.  The other one wasn't rude and I may contact him again closer to February to see if he's changed his mind.  I can't imagine they will find someone who wants to move so quickly, it's a week away. 

I am very much on edge.  Between the house stuff and my little boy who is very much trying my patience, I am so done with everything, I just don't know what to sometimes.  I am tired and need a break, but won't be getting one any time soon.  I am not even sure what to do any more.  I already said that, but it's been hard lately. I feel like I am angry all the time, which I do not like at all.  I am angry over where I live, angry over the stupid things I've done that have made me stuck here.  I should be buying a house not renting a new one.  I should be a better mother.  I get angry at my son, he doesn't listen, is terrible to get out the door, and I get frustrated and yell.  I feel bad, it makes me angry again, vicious cycle.  What to do. 

In the end I am sure once winter is done it will be better, I am sure once we are re-settled it will be better.  But it's getting to that point that I am finding difficult.  I want to be happy, to live a happy life, to enjoy my child and our life together.  Right now I'm not enjoying much of anything.  And I hate that. 

Depression sucks

I have struggled with depression off and on for most of my adult life, in fact it probably started in high school.  I've been on medication for it twice, and the last time it was very bad was right before I got pregnant.  I managed to pull myself out of it using a book, and self talk.  It was rough but I did it, and felt a lot better.  The whole time I was pregnant my OBGYN told me I should go on antidepressants because I'd get PPD.  She was totally wrong and I'm glad I didn't listen to her.  I had a rough pregnancy but as soon as I had my son in my arms I was the happiest I've been ever I think.  Yes we had some rough times in the beginning, lack of sleep is brutal.  But I never felt depressed, bored on occasion and tired but never depressed.

Lately however I'm struggling.  My son can still pull me out of it, but it's taking me longer and as soon as he's in bed I kind of fall into a lull, and feel sad.  I don't like it and I know it, and I am not sure how to get out of it.  I know that it's partly because of work. I am struggling with the new job, in that it is boring and I am feeling I made the wrong choice, that I was pushed to take the job even without really taking the time to think about it.  Add in my cat problems, and the stupid car/CD player, and just feeling fat and like a loser. 

My cat, she seems to actually be doing better.  I picked up some raw food for her and Snickers, she really likes it, but it's pricey so I'm not sure how long I can afford for them to eat it.  But she actually groomed herself after dinner tonight, so that was great, and she jumped down from eating twice.  She still hasn't gotten up there but at least she came down. 

So I have joined a facebook group to provide some support in weightloss, I hope that will help lead to other changes.  I know my job is a big thing, it needs to change, I cannot go on like this at work, I feel like I'm not doing anything, and I do like to be busy. I will be looking for something else, but may wait until I get the promotion permanently, which should be about another month... I can do this for another month right? I hope so.  Otherwise if something else comes up first I will jump at it. I do wish there was something else jumping at me but so far I haven't seen anything. 

And on another note, my ex-boss and his wife are expecting. I believe she's 40 or so, they have a little boy a year older or so than Jackson, and my understanding from him before was they were done, they are re-married and both have kids from their previous relationships.  It really makes me think.  If I wait another year my kids will be the same age apart as theirs.  And I'll be younger, but still single.  Which I prefer.  The funny thing?  They just had a house built to accomodate their family, with one kid in the full time picture.  Wonder if they'll move again?

Oh, and speaking of moving, I've been watching the houses for rent, I think I'll be able to find something nice for May.  And I can't wait!  I somehow think it will make me happier and resolve the depression issues, though I know moving doesn't usually do that for me.  But I still hope. 

The secret

There's a quote I've always liked.  I have no idea who it's by so apologies to the original author.  The quote goes:

What your mind can conceive and believe

You can achieve

Or at least that's how I remember it.  I've always liked it because it means, to me at least, that what I really want, and believe in, will happen.  There are times in my life when I've forgotten this, when I've believed that I am doomed and a failure, that I am worthless and hopeless.  But eventually I remember again.

The winter before I conceived my son was a bad one.  I was depressed for many reasons and felt like life was nothing, there was nothing worth living for.  I had no love life, no really good friends, no children, just a dog and two cats.  A friend at work, an acquaintance really, told me about this video, The Secret, and loaned it to me. 

I won't say that I totally believe it, but I do think there is power in positive thinking.  I watched the video, and that quote I like was in it.  How neat is that?  Seeing that again reminded me that I am strong, that I have the power in me to have the life I want, if I can decide what that life should look like.  It lifted the darkness from me, and I acted.  I got a vehicle.  I had given mine up when I moved in with my ex, because we couldn't afford 2, and when he left, taking his car that I paid for, I was stuck on the bus all the time, and with crappy credit that wouldn't let me get a car loan.  All those places that say "we'll finance anyone!"  yeah, except me lol.  I did manage to find a place, and got some wheels!  You don't want to know the interest rate...  So I got moving, and was able to get out, which was great.  It made a difference.

I won't say that I got the car (actually it was a minivan) because of my belief that I could, but it pushed me to look for options.  To search for any place, and to call and put myself out there.  I could have given up, but I didn't.  I got a lot of no's before I found a yes. 

The same thing applies now.  I want a house.  I want another baby.  I won't give up until I find a way to get these things.  I will search for my options, and work at making my dreams come true.  I will also listen to my dreams, and to my heart.  I believe strongly that my mind shows me things in my dreams that mean something, whether it's how to work out a problem, or how to place the sofa :-) 

Don't get me wrong, I am also a planner, I plan things out in detail, step by step.  I like to know what's next and if I'm on track.  But sometimes I see a way to take a shortcut, or to change the steps.  And I am flexible enough to do that.  So dream it, plan it, and achieve it.  And be flexible enough to change mid-way. 

So what is the picture of my ideal life?  The one I'm working towards.  I think I still need to clarify some things, decide.  Do I want to live in the suburbs or in the country?  Do I want to have one more child or two?  Do I want to look into adoption as an option?  When do I want that child?  Do I need the promotion at work to do this or should I accept the job I have and just leave that alone?  Should I try dating?  I think once I know the answers to those questions, and a few more, I'll be able to solidify my plans. 

For now I am happy being a mom, loving being a mom, adoring my little man who is my sunshine. 

Happy

I've always been a worrier, an anxious kind of person.  As a kid I was always worried I'd failed a grade, wouldn't get a good teacher, wouldn't have any friends.  None of which happened of course, but the anxiety was always there.  I still think I was pretty happy for the most part, I had everything I could want, and was content with life.

Depression has always been in my life.  I think my mom suffered from it for a long time before she got help.  I know I had bouts of it over the years.  I would wonder what the point of living was, what to do next.  Over that time I've often managed to pull myself out of it by taking care of something, or someone.  I had a cat first, he had some expensive health issues but he was what got me through.  I did end up on medication for depression, and it really did help.  I think the fact that spring came again helped too, my sadness gets worse in winter. 

Then I met my ex.  Talk about having to take care of someone.  He had issues, lots of them.  Still does I'm sure.  Anxiety and depression were part of them, ones he never really worked on solving.  And he had some serious issues with money.  We were together 4 years and I paid for everything, rent, groceries, utilities, heck I even made half his car payments and help him pay his child support.  Then I got tired of it.  Tired of giving and not getting anything back, of feeling drained and alone though I was living with someone. 

Not really sure still how it all ended, but he told me his parents had separated and he had to move back to help his mom, so he moved out.  I was quite upset that he was just gone when I got home, he left while I was at work, left a note and vanished.  He left in September, by about January, early February, I was once again sunk into a deep depression.  I thank my dog for getting me through that one, a dog needs to out so I had to get up in the morning.  I had to go to work so I could pay the rent. 

Eventually I read a book, Feeling Good I think it's called.  It's about behavioural therapy for depression and while I didn't exactly follow the steps or do the activities, it helped.  A lot.  I managed to turn myself around.  Because of that book and  video a lady at work loaned me, the Secret.  Between the two I decided that I would get the life I want, I would have kids and be a mom, I would do what I wanted.

Then my ex called.  He came over.  We talked.  He thanked me for making him leave, for making him grow up.  He told me about how he had tried to kill himself and ended up in the hospital, how he was working again and dealing with things.  I didn't want to get back together, but have to admit it felt nice to be desired.  Even a bit.  I asked a favour, and he obliged. 

Now I have my son.  Becoming a mom was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.  Seeing my son for the first time flooded me with joy and happiness, more than I can express.  I have now gone through two winters without the slightest feeling of sadness, except of course those first few weeks of sleep deprivation lol, though that wasn't really sadness I suppose.  I can just picture my son and get flooded with joy.  Checking on him before bed gives me a happy feeling before I fall asleep.  It's awesome.

And the funny thing is there is a woman at work who commented on this today.  She has known me awhile, before when I was not so happy, then we didn't work together for a couple years, and now again we work in the same area.  She said to me that before I was a nice enough person, but now I am so much "more".  She can see the joy in me that my son brings to my life.  Isn't that an amazing thing?  I know I had happy moments before, but now even the crappiest moments are so short lived, and so easy to dispel.  Joy and love are very much part of my life, and always will be.  I am a happy mommy :-)