Worry and what if

I go for my surgery on Friday. I'm a little worried about it. I know it's a simple procedure and laproscopic, and supposed to be quick and easy really.  But I'm still worried, I mean they knock you out for it, and they take a piece of me out!  I am sure it will all be ok, but when you have a kid, these things worry a mother. I am very glad that my parents are coming to take care of the kid, while I'm recovering at least, and to take me to the hospital and all that. At least it's a day procedure, so I'm not there over night or anything. I can't handle that again! Not right now any way.  It does remind me that if I do have another baby, I will likely have to stay in the hospital for a few days, at least it was a week last time. I talked to a friend who has had the same surgery done, she said it was an easy recovery and I don't need to worry. So I do feel better knowing that.

I am kind of excited to get started. But I know I need to recover from surgery, and lose some weight first. I need money too. I know I'll get a tax refund at the end of February, which should be enough to get started. I turn 39 in February too.  I will go for a referral then, and go from there.  I imagine it will take awhile to get to be seen by the clinic, and then tests and what not. So probably not until May or June will I get to try. Until then I am temping, and will use some ovulation tests to see if I am doing that. Not this month though, the surgery will likely mess things up as the hospital stay did.

There are moments when I wonder if I can do it. Moments when my kid drives me nuts, when he is just too much for me, when I cannot take one more whiny moment. But the good outweighs the bad, and he is a good kid 90% of the time. I have other moments when I really wish I'd done something sooner, so they'd be closer in age and better able to play together. But I also think it will be nice to have Jackson in school while I'm on mat leave with baby. I think that will be ideal really.

We put up the tree this weekend, Jackson really enjoyed decorating it, so the bottom half looks fabulous and loaded with ornaments. The top half that I did is a little less done. But over all it is quite pretty and I'm glad it's up and decorated. I would normally wait until December 1st at least but with me not able to get it up the stairs then I figured it had to be now.

I'm ready for the surgery. Well sort of. I don't know really. I hope I am. I know I need to do it, and I will feel better once it's done. Then the real work begins.