Depression

I have always been an anxious person. I get worried and upset about just about everything. When I was in school I would be worried that I had failed, and end up with straight A's. In junior high I was miserable, I had a year where I was bullied, had no friends, basically felt worthless, hopeless and helpless. It was terrible, I wonder how I survived it. I did though, as I have every bout of depression I've since experienced. And I've had quite a few. I think I am in one now. It's not bad, well not as bad as I suppose it could be. It is annoying, and I don't like it. I don't like feeling this weight on me, this heaviness.  It makes me angry, and I have taken that anger out on my kid. Yelled at him when I don't want to, let little things bother me, said things I shouldn't say.

In the past I have taken medication to help, but hate the way it makes me feel. The last bad time I somehow managed to "talk" myself out of it. There is a book called "Feeling Good" I believe, I did some of that, and it worked.  That was just before I got pregnant, so it has been awhile. While I was pregnant that ob-gyn I saw kept trying to get me to go on anti depressants, worried I'd have postpartum depression I guess. It was one of many annoyances from her. After Jackson was born I was very happy. I had a rough first few weeks with my little guy who didn't want to sleep, but once I managed to get some sleep myself I felt better and we went along.

Going back to work was hard, every time he's changed daycares has been hard. Every time we have money problems it's been hard. Work is hard, so many changes, not always good ones. Every little thing adds to the pressure and worry. I've had a couple health issues, pet issues, nothing so terrible on its own, but just over all adding to the pressure.  And just now it's all a little much for me. I think I need a break, but of course there are no breaks from being a mom. Especially not a single mom.

In some ways I know what I need to do, I need to get back to my exercising, I need to eat better, I need to meditate or do some visualization. I need to be better in control of my own emotions. And it needs to be now, not in a week, but now. The problem of course is I am tired. The thought of doing something makes my head hurt. I can't afford to eat the way I'd like to, I can't afford not to though.

I sometimes get overwhelmed by all the things I want to be able to do, and wanting them now. Then realizing they may never happen at all, that time is ticking on and nothing really changed. It is hard to see the best things, the good things that I want. I feel disappointed, and like a failure. I want to buy a house someday, I still sometimes want another kid, or to travel lots, those two swap in my head every week :-)  I want to pay off all the debt, and not rack it up again. I want to be able to work part time or take summers off, or maybe both. Most of all I want to be a good mom, to be patient, and happy, to have fun with my kid, and to enjoy him.