Helpful Family, maybe not...

My family has generally been really great since I had my son.  My parents helped me out financially while I was on mat leave waiting for my work to start paying my benefits, and letting me visit them quite often.  They even got a crib so he doesn't have to sleep in his play pen.  My sister was there in the delivery room, though she missed the birth because she went home and they didn't call her back in time.  And this probably sounds silly but I'm a little bit angry at her right now.

Two weeks ago I had some hours booked off work, had to be used up or I'd lose them, so I was planning to go to Ikea.  My parents sent me money to get Jackson a little table and chairs for Valentine's Day, ok so I was late getting there but it's hard to take a 1-year-old to such a busy store.  I was also going to pick one up from them for a friend of their's granddaughter who was turning 1.  But then Jackson got sick.  And I had to take two days off to stay home with him.  I couldn't take him to Ikea sick, and there went the hours I had to use up. 

So I called my sister, she works like 5 minutes from Ikea.  I sent her the link to the set I wanted, there were 12 in stock, and she could go on her lunch hour, it would take like 15 minutes!  But she didn't go.  All week.  And then this past week she's been off for March break with her two kids, who are 11 & 15.  But again, she didn't go.  Turns out she didn't really want to go and do this for me.  So I made plans, I'm taking baby this morning, as close to when they open as possible, and I'll get a few other things too, since I'll be there any way.  But I checked online and they are out of stock now.  And they don't have any others that I like, or for a similar price.  So what now? 

I'm angry.  It isn't so much that she didn't do it, more the fact she's complained to my mother that she had to do and didn't want to.  Well then don't say you will!  If she had said she wouldn't have time or couldn't make it then fine.  But to say one thing and then not do it is frustrating to me.  I have a limited budget being a single mom, now I have to spend twice as much to get something nice, if they even have one there.  And my time is quite busy on the weekends, since I can't go out in the evening to get things done. 

Add in all the things I've done for her, and her kids, and it really strikes me that she isn't the same type of person I am.  And then I notice all the little things, like how they live a 5 minute drive away but never stop by to see us, and how they only invite us over when it's a special occasion.  How she doesn't like some of the things I do with my son, and is quite vocal about the "best" way to raise him.  How she doesn't go visit my parents but makes me be the messanger, transporting gifts and things back and forth between them. 

So I guess the point of this is that I can't rely on her, so the network I thought I had is one less.  Which I suppose is not the end of the world, but it is frustrating.  It makes me realize I need to integrate my friends in better, especially the ones who have offered to watch Jackson for me, or pick things up for me.  I never take them up on it, but now, I think maybe I need to ask for help, from those who will actually give it. 

My family dream

When I was a little girl I had three cabbage patch dolls, they were of course all the rage at the time, but I find it funny now that I had three.  Two boys and girl.  You see my "perfect" family, the one I dream of, has three kids in it, two boys and a girl.  I have my first little boy, and he is quite awesome.  Having him really showed me how much I love being a mom, and how much I want to have more kids.  The strange part I guess, is that there is no daddy or husband in my perfect little family dream.

I read about SMC's who gave up their dream family, decided to have a baby on their own and let go of the dream of husband/father.  For me, that was never really part of it.  I have had relationships, I do like men, and I lived with a guy for about 4 years.  But I don't feel like I need one.  I will be perfectly happy on my own. 

Admittedly there are moments when it would be nice to have another person here, someone to watch the baby so I can run to the store and not drag him out with me, or take the dog for a walk for me.  Even just the past few days when he's been so sick with an ear infection and chest cold, it would be nice to have someone else here to cuddle him.  But I know I will manage, and survive, and we will be happier for it. 

I am a bit sad, I know I don't have the time or finances to have three kids.  It makes me sad, but I will work as hard as I can to have a second one at least.  I am working on cleaning up my finances, sorting out my debts and saving for what I want.  I am sticking to my budget and have made some decisions about saving.  I know that I also want to buy a house, but to buy a house before I have another baby means I won't get to do that until I'm 39 or 40... so the baby will likely come first (unless I win the lottery of course!). 

I have a list of things I want to do before I have another baby, getting in shape and being healthy is top of the list.  Saving a certain amount of money is right up there as well.  And timing things so that Jackson is in school when the new baby starts daycare is in there as well.  Having the goal of my perfect family makes it a bit easier to do these things.  To save when I'd rather buy a new whatever, or eat an apple instead of a cookie.  It's also driving me to work hard now, to work on getting a promotion at work and therefore earn more money, who knows, maybe if I do that I can save faster and may have time for a third baby, or to buy a house that much sooner. 

I have a 3 year plan, and a longer 5 year goal.  I know that by 5 years we will be living in our own home, and by 3 years I will have another baby in my arms.  But having those long term goals seem so far off, so I also have some closer ones.  Like seeing certain dollar amounts in my savings account, and buying certain items we'll need for the future.  Even planning on getting a puppy next summer, Jackson is too young this year but next year he should be bigger and able to talk more. 

I am being flexible though, knowing that life changes in a moment, that things can happen that mean you have to spend or save, or change course.  All in all, I am happy, and content, but I know that my future holds this family life that I dream of, that my baby boy is just the beginning of it, and that we will be the family I dreamt of all those years ago, playing cabbage patch dolls in the backyard. 

Love life?

I've been a mommy for over a year now, and I've just started to experience a small desire to be in a couple, to have a significant other.  I have absolutely no regrets over my choice to have my son, he's my world and being a mom is the best thing ever.  But I kind of wonder about how I handled things when I was first pregnant.  I was just starting to date a really nice guy when I found out I was pregnant, that my trying had worked.  I never really figured out a way to tell him, to see if it might have worked any way.  And then I had my son and he was my focus for a year.  Now I'm seeing this guy again, at work, for coffee, and wondering how to handle it.  I might like to see if things could go on, if we could manage to make something work.  But how to do that?  I have a son!  I don't have a babysitter! 

I think part of my problem is that I know I want to have more kids, yes kids plural lol.  But I know that on my own, having one more is the most I could handle, and that would be difficult.  If I find a man, fall in love, get married, maybe there's time for another.  But the finding, falling in love stuff could take more time than I have. 

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change my life right now, and most of the time I'm perfectly happy being alone and doing this by myself.  I don't really even get lonely per se.  But there are moments when it's all a bit much, like I need a break, some kind of help, something.  Even having another adult here to talk to would be nice somedays.  It's funny too, if I hadn't gone back to work I'd be perfectly happy with my son and I, but now that I'm exposed to adults and conversations, and this one guy, it's changed. 

The dilemma I have now is whether to explain things to him, to see if I should, or even could, pursue a relationship with him.  Way back two years ago we went out on two dates, and it was nice, I could have liked to go out on more.  We had coffee, an occasional lunch, we chatted in emails.  It was nice.  But I was pregnant.  I didn't know at the time of our first date, I was only a few weeks long, and didn't test until after that date.  By the second one I was 6 weeks along and knew, but wasn't telling anyone.  How do you tell a guy you've gone out with a few times "hey I'm pregnant with my ex's child, he's not involved and I'm doing this on my own, and I'd like to keep dating you, no strings or anything!"

I don't even know who to talk to about this, who to ask for advice.  And I'm the type of person who won't really do anything about it any way.  I'm rather passive about relationships, I simply wait and see, and then nothing happens really.  I know this but can't seem to do anything about it!  I could talk to a friend at work but her husband is this guys best friend, so he'd hear about it I'm sure.  He's not even my "type"!  He's not tall, he's not rough and gruff, he's smart, he's sensible and reliable.  He's French, not that that's bad, just not something I thought I'd like.  He's also quite proper and responsible, and traditional.  I mean the type of guy who is probably waiting until he gets married to "do it".  And here I am, single mom, and I do enjoy sex.  We're not the same type of people.  But I'd really like to see where it goes.

So what to do, I should talk to him.  I should step up and tell him, see where it leads.  At least figure out if there's anything there to pursue so I can stop stressing over it all if there's not.  And if there is something to pursue, then I can figure out how to do that with a baby at home that I don't want to leave.  I know there are a lot of single mom's out there who date, it's possible to do.  Just probably not with such a young kid at home.

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday.  And it's been a good day!  Four years ago on my birthday I had a miscarriage, the ones after that were not so good.  And then I had a baby.  Now I look forward to the big day.  It's funny how things can change in a moment.  My birthday went from being a horrible day to one that reminds me of everything I love, and how happy I am.  I have gone through a lot to get my little family, and look forward to adding to it.  My birthday is a reminder that time is ticking along, and I should be doing more to manifest the rest of what I want. 

I believe in the power of thought, that dreams and desires can manifest and become real.  I believe that you need to know what you want, in detail, and picture it to get it.  What I want is a happy family, to me a family has 3 kids.  Considering my current age the next two are not so likely to happen, one I should be able to manage.  I don't believe that things will necessarily just happen, I do think that people have to do something to help things along, you need to act to make things happen.

Which is why I have a plan, a plan to save money to afford to have another baby (or two lol), and a plan to buy a house.  A plan to take my family to Disney at some point, and a plan to retire at 55 and be able to enjoy life.  None of it will be easy, on the contrary I have to stick to a strict budget, and forgo things I might like, but my son will not suffer for it, and we will end up happier than ever because of it all. 

Today is my birthday, I am 36.  My life the past year or so has been wonderful.  I may be tired, I may lack sleep, I may be broke a lot.  But I am happy.  I love my life, being a mommy, having a decent roof over my head, a good enough car.  I may not own my own home, or have a brand new car, I may not wear the nicest clothes, or eat fancy foods.  But I am happy. 

I love that I am a single mom, that it's just me and my son.  I look forward to adding another child to our family.  People probably would find it strange that I have no desire to add a father/husband to the picture.  I know it's not traditional or typical, but it works.  I have always done well on my own, being alone but not lonely.  This is no different.  Today I took my son shopping with me, he was content to sit in his stroller looking around and playing with a toy.  He fell asleep in the car on the way home and I carried him in to bed.  Sure it would have been easier if I could have left him with someone to go shopping on my own, but with him along I am also more likely to stick to budget, he's a reminder of what I want. 

Today is my birthday, and I am happy. 

Being a Single Mom by Choice

I am a single mom by choice.  That is to say that I chose to be a mom as a single woman.  I got pregnant on purpose, and choose to raise him alone.  I didn't do this the proper way, that's for sure.  I took advantage of an opportunity that presented itself to get pregnant.  Most women who choose to do this, well via pregnancy any way, find a donor.  They choose someone either anonymously through a sperm bank, or they find a known donor they trust and have legal agreements signed.  I basically used an ex, probably not the best choice but I have this amazing little baby boy to show for it.  I do know I want another child, sooner than later, but I will most likely go the proper route and use a sperm bank and a clinic.

As for being a parent, it is sometimes very hard but more often than not it is easier than you might think.  I don't have to ask anyone else when I make a decision about raising him, how to wean him, what to feed him, how he'll sleep.  Even what he'll wear, and the choice to use cloth rather than dispoable diapers.  It is my decision to not allow him to CIO, to go to him when he cries.  The choice to follow baby led weaning, that was all me. 

But it is also hard sometimes, when I would like for there to be someone else to watch him so I can go out or even just take care of some chores.  I do have some family that waches him when they can but I don't like to ask too often.  I think if I were smart I would have developed a broader network before having him.  But now I really do like that he is all mine.  I take him everywhere, he is getting broad exposure to life, he goes to stores, restaurants, everywhere.  There are some limits, he is a little bit too active now for movies but we saw quite a few during the summer when he was less mobile.  And I wouldn't take him to the library yet, he likes to chew on books far too much!  It does limit things sometimes.  It's been quite cold recently and I don't like to take him out in that weather, if there was someone else to watch him I could still go out myself.  Even walking the dog becomes a chore as I can't take the baby out when it is so cold, so the dog doesn't get his exercise. 

I love my choice, I love being a mom more than anything else in my life, it is amazing and wonderful, even the sleepless nights and losing my freedom.  Perhaps if I had been married when I had a child it would be harder to be alone now, but since this is all I have known it is not that hard.  I manage.  Things get done.  The house may not be as clean as it could be, the dog may gain a few winter pound, but the laundry is done, food is cooked, we have a roof over our heads, heat and electicity. 

I have been bad about sticking to a budget, spent too much money, so the things I want have been put off.  But I am starting over, trying now to save more, and meet my goals.  I use coupons, I shop sales, I stick to the budget.  I buy what we need, shop using lists and check flyers before we go to the store.  I am being frugal, and we don't go shopping more than once a week.  I don't want to deprive my son of the fun things in life, but I also want to make sure he gets things like a house someday.  And a baby brother or sister :) 

Sleep Training

A lot of people on a message board I'm on do sleep training with their babies.  They follow a cry it out (CIO) method and let their babies cry, sometimes for more than an hour!  I just really do not understand it at all, how can you let a little person who cannot speak and tell you what is wrong just cry?  I do understand the temptation, it is certainly tiring when your little baby is crying and will not sleep as you think they should.  My son is just over a year now and will rarely fall asleep on his own.  He usually has a bottle in his mouth and is cuddled close to fall asleep.  He is still waking at night, not every night but often, and will want to nurse again back to sleep.  Some nights it becomes difficult, especially now that I have gone back to work.  It is hard to get up in the morning when you've been up in the middle of the night with a crying baby. 

But I would never let him CIO.  If he is up and upset there is usually a reason for it.  He may be hungry, or wet, it could be that his teeth hurt, perhaps he is just lonely or missing me.  He's currently cutting a few teeth and has been off on and since he was 4 months old.  The other night he woke up at 4:30 crying, I went in and gave him a bottle, he fell asleep and I put him back down.  Ten minutes later he woke up crying again, I went in to pick him up and could feel dampness through his sleep sack, so he had soaked not only his diaper, but his pajamas and his sleep sack!  he was probably wet and cold when he woke up the first time but I didn't notice.  If I was a proponent of CIO I probably would have left him in his bed the first time, to be cold and wet until I deemed it time to wake up. 

I have no illusions that my son probably doesn't need to have those midnight bottles, but I also know that what I think about what he needs is not really the important thing, what he thinks he needs is.  I trust that as a baby he is more in touch with his own needs than I am.  Of course I know he needs to wear a snowsuit in the cold, and a hat when he goes outside, he may not know that.  But he does know his phsyical needs in the sense of what he needs to eat. 

I have also noticed that on the days he is in daycare he is harder to get to sleep at night, I believe because he is overtired from late naps, not enough time napping, and getting up early for daycare.  It is frustrating because he needs the sleep but is more restless and wakes more often.  On the weekends he makes up for it, has great 3 hour naps and is easy to get to bed, even sleep straight through.  But I cannot take him from daycare, and hope that in time he will grow out of his need for the extra sleep. 

I have wondered for awhile if the methods I have chosen for his sleeping are the best.  There may be better ways, and there certainly would be quicker ways, but I feel this is the best for us.  I tried to wean his night bottles by diluting them, it didn't work.  I've tried to leave him in his bed, sitting beside it while he fusses, but he wants me to pick him up.  I have tried shushing and patting his back, but he gets frustrated and wants to be held and rocked. 

I know that in time I won't need to spend so much time with him, overnight or falling asleep.  He falls asleep well at daycare for his naps, he even falls asleep on his own at home for naps or at bedtime - if he is not over tired!  I try to remember, as I rock him and watch the clock tick on that this will not last forever, that he is only a baby for awhile, that there will come a time when he will not want me to hold him or rock him.  He is my son, I chose to have him, it is my responsiblity to take care of him and to help him.  It is not my job to train him, he is not a dog or a pet to teach a trick to.  He is a child, who needs to grow and learn and develop.  And who needs to be cuddled when he's upset.  Learning to self-soothe is not a skill, it's not something an infant needs to learn how to do.  Parents are there to help infants.

To be perfectly honest it angers me that mom's on that message board are all so eager to "train" their child, to teach them how to cry themselves to sleep.  I find it dissapointing that in our society this is considered normal, and acceptable.  I try to remain diplomatic but have to admit that all the posts on the topic really just make me mad!  Every child is unique and individual, they will grow and develop at their own rate, for some this will mean they can sleep straight through the night and fall asleep on their own with no problems from an early age, others it will take time.  But to do the child the disservice of not being there, of leaving them to cry alone, is teaching them to not rely on anyone, but is that really a good thing?  Teaching a child to be alone and lonely... who does that serve?  I think the parent is the only one who gains from any method of CIO. 

Bummis Easy Fit

I love this diaper!  I ordered from a place in BC that had a deal, spend $25 and get a free one size diaper.  She picks one to send and you get a surprise!  I got a one size bummis easy fit and have to say it is a really great diaper.  So nice I ordered two more! And I don't need any more lol. 

It has snaps to adjust the rise from 8 to 35 pounds, and velcro on the waist, with laundry tabs that really do work.  I washed/dried it three times to prep it and the first time I put it on him I was really impressed with the fit.  I have a big boy, he's not even 1  yet but over 32 inches and 23 pounds, so I need something that will last awhile and this sure will. 

The soaker is neat, it agitates out in the wash and you stuff it back in, so in that sense it's kind of like a pocket, but because it's all attached you don't have to wonder which insert goes with which diaper, you just stuff it back in there.  It also means it dries much faster than a lot of other AIO's I've tried.  I ordered two more in cute prints, the first prints I have, and they are adorable!  It's too bad it's getting to be winter or I'd be putting it on him with nothing else :)  The diaper is made from bamboo fibers, and is really absorbant, it's held up to nap time with no leaks and keeps his skin dry as well.  I also like that where you stuff the insert back in you can add more absorbancy if you needed to.  It also holds in all the other messes, and is easy to rinse off with my sprayer.  Plus you don't have to unstuff anything which is a huge bonus, I do hate grabbing icky wet/dirty inserts out of a diaper! 

I've found it for $24.95 which seems to be standard.  There is a smaller version as well, the tiny fit, which I would think would be great for a newborn.  According to the bummis website the easy fit holds 520ml or 17.6 oz, which is awesome.  I haven't tried this for overnight, as I have a very heavy wetter overnight, but think you could add an extra insert or doubler and it would work.  I have to admit they have a lot more cute girly prints than boy prints, but that seems to be the case with most diapers (and everything else), the colours are nice and bright though, and most are gender neutral. 

All in all I love the easy fit AIO, and would get more if I had another baby to diaper.