To move

I am moving.  Soon.  I am tired of living in this place that annoys me, and with neighbours who are questionable and a frustrating landlord.  I feel like I am at a crossroads, I want to be in a nicer place, closer to a good school.  Closer to my family and friends.  But moving is hard!  It's expensive and finding the right place, timing everything, packing... cleaning... tossing!  There is a lot to do and I should be doing it all now.  Not being on here.  Not watching TV, or at least doing something more when I am.

I've ordered boxes, packing tape, garbage bags.  And I am pretty sure I know the movers I want to use.  Now I just need to find the right place.  I have 3 that I am looking at.  One I saw today, it was nice but older.  The appliances weren't the best.  The layout was great, the backyard was really nice, and it was very close to my sister's place.  Which would be great for having a babysitter.  It had an odd smell.  But it also costs the least.

Saturday I am going to see another one, it is a bit bigger, a little further from my sister and I think a bit older than the one I saw today.  It costs a little more,but not a whole lot.  It is right beside a park, backs onto the park actually, and the school for the district has full days kindergarten with before and after school care in the school.  That would be super convenient.  I will have to see the layout, it is lacking the eat in kitchen I would like, but has a fireplace, and a master bathroom which I would really like.

The last place is brand new, like it hasn't been finished yet.  So there will be mud, no fence, gravel driveway, the dog will have to be tied up. But it's new.  And the owner seems pretty nice.  It costs more, quite a bit more really.  So is it worth it?  I'm not sure, it is further from my sister, but close to a good friend. 

I know I want to move but I wish there was a sign as to which place I should get, where I should be living.  It is frustrating and slightly annoying.  I didn't think I would move until I can buy, but I know I won't be able to buy for at least a few more years.  It is sad but the way it is, unless I win the lottery I will be a renter.  I just want to rent a nicer place, something better than what I have.

I did contact a couple other places that looked great, but they are for rent NOW so they didn't want to wait until March.  One was very rude so I won't be contacting him again.  The other one wasn't rude and I may contact him again closer to February to see if he's changed his mind.  I can't imagine they will find someone who wants to move so quickly, it's a week away. 

I am very much on edge.  Between the house stuff and my little boy who is very much trying my patience, I am so done with everything, I just don't know what to sometimes.  I am tired and need a break, but won't be getting one any time soon.  I am not even sure what to do any more.  I already said that, but it's been hard lately. I feel like I am angry all the time, which I do not like at all.  I am angry over where I live, angry over the stupid things I've done that have made me stuck here.  I should be buying a house not renting a new one.  I should be a better mother.  I get angry at my son, he doesn't listen, is terrible to get out the door, and I get frustrated and yell.  I feel bad, it makes me angry again, vicious cycle.  What to do. 

In the end I am sure once winter is done it will be better, I am sure once we are re-settled it will be better.  But it's getting to that point that I am finding difficult.  I want to be happy, to live a happy life, to enjoy my child and our life together.  Right now I'm not enjoying much of anything.  And I hate that.