Wow it's March!

 I can't believe it's March already. This year is flying by. So far it's going ok. Things are starting to open back up, so at least in terms of restrictions, things are getting better here. Jackson goes for his booster shot this Saturday, I wanted to get it as soon as possible so he is well protected as they remove restrictions. He won't have to wear a mask at recess, though he said he might still any way.

School. What a disaster, he's really only going because he has basketball tryouts going on this week, otherwise it is a struggle to get him there twice a week. I feel like this is such a wasted year. I wonder if we should have just stuck with homeschooling and been done with it. At least then I also wouldn't have to drive much in winter! I've been getting most things delivered and avoiding driving and being out as much as possible. I am really looking forward to spring though, and hopefully then going to stores again. Things are all frightfully expensive. Everything is going up so much! I'm trying to eat better, trying to do keto actually, but it can be expensive. I suppose that will help me cut back on how much I eat, as well as the carbs involved. 

Work is frustrating, I feel like I'm always being asked to do things without anyone understanding what's involved. It's getting a bit much, but I applied on a higher level process so if I get into that pool, hopefully it will lead to a promotion and then I guess I can't complain if they ask too much of me. That is the difference really. I'm not at a level where I should be the go to for other managers to ask questions. It is nice to be needed, but also too much at times. My team is growing, we are hiring more people to do the work and it's my job to set up who will do what, and ensure they are trained. 

We have a trip planned for May. I cannot wait. It's a cruise from Bayonne, we may drive. I currently have flights booked but may move those flights to something else, or who knows. We also have a cruise booked for August but I'm not sure if we'll do it or not. If we do, I may rebook it in a lower cabin to save some money. We'll see. Living through another winter here I would prefer to travel in winter and just stay home in summer, but you can't cruise to Bermuda in winter, and New York would be more fun in summer I think? Maybe any way. We could add a few days to the cruise in May in order to see New York some. Again, we'll see. 

I'd still like to move as well, but there are some good things about here, the cost for the biggest thing. And all the space. But oh I need to declutter and redo somethings. I want to get rid of some of the furniture, replace a few things, just update it to what I would actually like. I did buy a new TV stand with an electric fireplace in it, and a bigger smart TV that I am loving. It's even controlled by voice which is crazy. I'd like to get rid of my couch, keep the loveseat and a comfy chair, maybe add a new chair in the modern style I like. Also the table and chairs, it's a nice set but we never really use it. I could maybe sell it and we have a small white table that was used as a desk, buy a couple new chairs and voila! All the places we are looking at moving to have islands and I'd just prefer to eat there than also have a table and chairs. So it would make sense. I'm waiting for spring. Once the weather improves it will hopefully be easier to clean up a few things, donate them maybe. I don't really know at this point, the thought of it all gets overwhelming. At least some things are looking better. 

Although I have little choice in this any more, I am mostly ok with only have one child. Mostly but not completely. I have moments of grief, of regret, of wondering if it would still be possible. I can totally say I regret not moving forward when I was 41, regardless of what was going on. And that covid made travel so much harder so donor eggs became impossible for me too. I wish that right now I had two kids upstairs, or even sitting here with me. I wish that things were different. But I am also not sure I could do another round of elementary school. That place we horrible for him and me really. High school isn't proving to be that much better, but at least it's not as bad. And I have hope that it will improve when restrictions are lifted even more. I am 47 now. I know other women have had kids at this age or even older, but were they already menopausal? I haven't had a period since August 2019. There is no doubt my eggs are gone and my reproductive time is done. My son is 12, how much longer will he even be here with me? And then? I guess then I can do as I please, though what that will mean I have no idea. 

Goodbye 2021

 The past two years have been trying. I know we are much better off than many people, I didn't lose my job and have been able to work from home, kiddo was old enough to get vaccinated sooner than later, we managed to do well in the big picture. But oh it has been trying. Homeschooling did not go very well really, but when he finally went back to school it didn't last as long it should have. He has been missing a lot of days. I hope that he will get back when it starts back up again. Ontario has delayed that by two days, I'm not sure what that is supposed to do but there it is. I have to get back to work on Tuesday and we'll have to get back on a proper sleep schedule before then. Staying up late and sleeping in isn't the best, but sleeping in sure is nice. 

Christmas was quiet, we stayed home as my sister didn't want to hold a get together. There were a few presents, just enough I think. And we'll end up with just over two weeks of vacation, at home. Together. Just the two of us. That is one thing that I wish would get better. He has many anxiety issues that he refuses to address, and I can't help with when he won't let me. So there is no going to play with friends or even being able to play online with no monitor. We need to work on that, so he can go to school without worrying, and eventually be able to fly again without getting sick. Since he refuses to actually speak to the psychologist himself it becomes more difficult, I have to get him to listen to the advice coming from me. I wish he'd just go to one or two sessions himself, perhaps he'd find it helpful and want to continue on himself, leaving me out of the middle of it. Any way. We will work on this and hopefully he'll be able to go on whatever trip we have next, and go to school everyday. 

I wish we had moved, it would be nice to be a nice new place, but we've saved some money, which we've then spent on eating out (or ordering in I guess) and going on the quick trip to Disney. I am very glad we went on that, even though it's hard to remember it at all. Given the current variant, and everything else, I am worried we won't be able to cruise in March. As much as I really want to cruise. I guess we'll have to see, still have a few weeks to decide on what to do. My landlord is raising the rent, which is fair, and it's still lower than any comparable place nearby. It's hard in this area if I want to keep him in the school. 

Olaf is adorable, and quite a handful. He is doing better with the other cats. He gets along with the dog. Still has to sleep in his room most nights, he is just a lot at night and chases poor Elsa from my room which isn't fair to her. Hopefully he'll be good in a few more weeks, and we'll keep trying. He naps on the couch with KitKat now at least, and sometimes Snickers, but everyone loves Snickers. I love all the pets, they are all so cute and make me smile. 

A new year starts tomorrow. What will 2022 bring? No real ideas, I hope we get to travel again, I hope covid goes away or at least we learn to live with it more than we have been, no more lock downs. We are both vaccinated, I've been boostered as well. I am glad I'll still be able to work from home, I hope Jackson will get back to school and continues to do well. I need to cook more, buy less, declutter more, replace a few things, stick to a budget and move more. A lot more. 

I hope we are able to get away for March break, and in August. Perhaps we will move, but that's not a guarantee at all. Losing some weight would be nice, the moving more will help with that I think. And hopefully that will help with snoring, and energy. I should keep a better sleep schedule as well, and would like Jackson to have a better one as well. 

In the end, it will be another year, they continue on. 

Vaccinated.

 Today I got my second dose of vaccine. Because this is Canada it took over 8 weeks, and is different from my first dose. But it's done. Two weeks and I'll be "safe". Not that kiddo will be, sadly Ontario is giving me a hard time about getting him done until his birthday. If we lived in a different province he'd already have his first dose. Frustrating. We'll figure something out eventually I guess, but I do feel like I need to start planning for a backup vacation in December, or how to cancel what's booked, or part of what's booked. Any way, we'll see how that goes.

We have a few things planned for summer, the local water park is open by reservation so I booked it for the first Saturday it's open. We also booked a day at Canada's Wonderland near Toronto, and hopefully we'll go to the zoo as well. So much driving that will bug me but we'll manage. It'll be nice to have a vacation of sorts. 

Friday was the last day of the school year. All his friends who stuck with the school got t-shirts, pictures and a diploma. I'm a little sad his name won't be on the wall, he won't have those memories, but I also think he did better this year than if he'd been in classes. He learned a lot. I am a little worried that he will have a hard time in Grade 7, and it won't last. I am also worried that they will try and make me go back to the office, and I don't want to, at all. I quite like working from home and hope I can manage to remain doing so. I'd like to go pick up my stuff from work, it's all still there, but other than an occasional meeting, I want to be at home. 

I still have a lot of sorting to do here, lots of cleaning and reorganizing, but I do feel like it's on track. I also still have an urge to move. But I have stronger urges to travel. It's a strange dilemma, which one do I focus on. At least the AC has been fixed, I did a few things to fix things up. But there is still work to do, and frustrating critters in the garage. The AC was broken during the heat wave, they came to fix it a week later, we survived, went to the beach a lot actually. And had a mattress in the living room for Jackson to sleep on, apparently I snore too loudly to be able to stay with him. 

Todays dose seems to have made me sleepy, so I think I will be going to bed early tonight, will need to put little Olaf to bed early. He is adorable, and plays well with the dog. The other cats aren't keen on him but I think they will be eventually. Or he'll stick with the dog. Either way, he's cute, playful and healthy. And he sleeps in the guest room because he is a pain when it's sleep time. 

Vaccine one done

 On Sunday the province announced that they were lowering the age to 40+ on the astrazeneca vaccine available in pharmacies. I was super excited to hear this and signed up for all the places and wait lists. Yesterday I got an email from one of the pharmacies that they have "walk in" places so I called to see if they had any available, they made me an appointment for today and I got the shot at 12:45. I am so happy. There is a 16 week wait for shot two but I don't care, just relieved. It was interesting to see so many other people there excited to be getting vaccinated. Interesting too, as soon as they lowered the age, the appointments booked up fast. I think many people in the 55+ were waiting for a "better" shot which honestly irritates me, even if it led to me getting mine sooner. 

Now who knows how long it will be for Jackson to get his. If he was already 12 I'd be less worried about that. I do hope it happens this year. It will impact our plans for December. I am hoping we can cruise but if not, we'll spend two weeks in Orlando and do Disney/Universal or something. Easy. We will travel!!

I hope I don't have a bad reaction to the vaccine, I already feel a bit tired, had a nap after work, and my head/jaw hurts but that happens to me a lot since I grind my teeth and clench my jaw all the time. I will try and wait it out, see what happens. I am ready to take the day off tomorrow if I have to, I have sick leave I can use. I do have a grocery order to pick up, which I can cancel now but would like to get. I am sure I'll be able to manage it any way, just have to drive there, they load the stuff in the trunk and I drive home, put everything away (that's the hard part lol). But I've managed more when sicker so I'm sure I can manage this. I guess that's when being a single mom and having to do it all pays off, I'm used to managing things no matter how I feel. 

On the move front, while I decided to move, I changed my mind and we'll be here for a little while still. I am going to use the time to really declutter and clean up (for reals this time). I want to be in a position that if we decide to move, we can do it quickly. I have some other financial goals, buying a house is not one of them though. I am still thinking of moving to a smaller town outside the city, but we'll see what happens with work from home, and Jackson's school in the fall. 

I am so happy to be vaccinated once, and cannot wait for number 2. Phew! 

To move or Not to move

 I was browsing the local sites and saw that the townhomes we have wanted to move to for ages have both gone up a bit in price and almost all been rented. I also noticed that the smaller places, with no garage or storage, are also almost all taken. In a panic I asked to see them, and ended up applying to rent one of the townhomes. It is really nice with great finishes, brand new, no yard maintenance, smaller driveway I'll have to shovel, and a good size for us. But expensive. Now I am in panic mode the other way, thinking I shouldn't have done it and we should just stay here. I cannot make a decision. I've made lists of pros and cons, they are about equal either way. The difference is money (which leads to trips, eating out, etc) versus quality and "niceness". Which is more important. Surely the money makes the most sense. I know I will never buy a home, it really isn't on my radar as an option unless I win the lottery, dealing with maintenance and all of that is of no interest to me. It's a heart vs head question at this point. What my heart wants is the new place, but my head says to stay here and deal with all the issues. I have tomorrow to decide, and the decision has to be made before end of work day. 

Covid restrictions are not helping matters, they add to my stress if we do move. The current landlord will want to show the place, and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with other people coming in to see it. Plus movers, because I am not moving things myself. How does that work? I assume they have to mask and distance, but what does that mean for me being here while it's happening? Do I just wait at the new place for them to arrive with everything? Sit in my car and wait for them to finish loading everything in the truck? I'd take the dog and child to my parents. Hopefully that will be allowed by then. Since we are in full lock down until May 20th, so I can't even donate stuff now. 

We have been here 8 years, which is a long time for me. Jackson was 3 when we moved in, so we have toys and stuff from that age right up to now. Including a bit of broken electronics you can't just put in the trash. I have to go through all of it. Should be working on that now. It's overwhelming a bit. I did clean up the upstairs, 75% of it any way, and it's "ready to pack". The only things left in those spaces just need to be put in boxes, which I already have. But we have 6 weeks so we need to use some of that stuff still. I will get more done today, I need to get the garbage collected from a few areas, including stuff hidden at the back of the freezer that is no good any more. Garbage can only go out every 2 weeks, which means 3 times until we move. And I don't want food garbage sitting around getting stinky for weeks at a time. 

But if we stay, I can take my time with all of that. It still needs to be done, decluttering, cleaning, but not within 6 weeks. I wish I had more time. Ideally I wouldn't be going until August, or September. Give me a few more months to get things really organized, and save a bit more. Replace some furniture. But the clock is ticking and time is up. So it's now or never. I don't want it to be never. Even if it means we can't order in 3 times a week or travel once or twice a year, if we have to limit that to ordering in once a week and travelling every two years. It's possible. I know some of my angst is because of how well my son pushes my buttons. When he wants something and has already spent his allowance he will call me poor and stupid. And it hurts. Because we are not poor, though we don't have a lot of savings, we live a comfortable life, and he doesn't see that because he always gets what he wants. And it is hard to say no and stay strong in the constant badgering and bargaining, and just general belligerence. And so I second guess every decision I have made, and my choices. Obviously I have work to do on myself. And I will talk to my therapist tomorrow about it, I am so thankful I have her now. 

And now for Another Stay At Home Order

 Things are not good. While we are trying to roll out the vaccines, it is so slow! They finally really shut things down in the province. It sucks because the weather was finally improving and Jackson was looking forward to playing basketball with friends. Now he just has me, for 4 weeks. Hopefully by the time it's over, things will be much improved and lots of people will be able to get vaccinated. I'm not on the list yet. My parents have their appointment for the end of the month. My BIL is eligible and I'm sure has an appointment. My sister is close I think? She's 51 (though she denies it) and we're at 60+ now... getting there! 

Today is my last day of my super long weekend. Easter was ok. Quiet of course. We didn't really do much. He found some candy eggs I hid around, but that's about it. I got us a switch, and the games aren't here yet so he's been super irritating about it. I hate being asked the same question a million times. 

I guess we'll be going to play basketball a lot. Since we can only play with each other. Hopefully he will do well and I won't have to chase the ball too far. It will be good to enjoy the nice weather, and be able to get him some exercise and burn some energy. I should have bought the net for the driveway. I keep debating that, do I get it and then we move and maybe not have room for it? Or do I not and we just keep going to the park. I don't know. If we move to the expensive places, the park is right there. Like you can almost see if from the balcony. But the expense is a lot if we move there. Plus, moving. It's a pain. 

I guess we'll see what we do during this lockdown. Won't be much I suppose. I will pick up groceries, we'll play switch games, go play basketball. I'll try and cook and not get deliveries all the time. I'll work, he'll learn. We'll yell at one another. I will talk to the psychologist and feel better for a little while. I'm tired of it all. And it's only beginning. I do hope the break allows a lot of vaccines to be given so we can have a more normal summer. I really hope the waterpark opens, and we can go to the beach. Heck, I will take more time off if we can do some fun things. I have lots banked. And even having a good summer doesn't mean we'll be able to cruise in December. 

Winter Blah

 Winter has decided to really roll in, with some snow and temperature's dropping. Of course since Ontario is in lock down we are stuck at home and it is starting to show. Jackson hasn't been playing with his "friends" the past few days so has been a bit more bored than usual. He has made friends with a boy in Ireland who enjoys the same game he plays in Minecraft, so he plays with him in the afternoon but there is a time difference so not all day. 

He's once again interested in dinosaurs and we have watched the same few documentaries over and over again, the then reenacts them with his dino toys, but there are fewer than there once were. I got rid of tonnes of them over a year ago, and he hasn't wanted to play with them until now. Of course now he wants more of them so I ordered a few but we'll see if they are what he expects. I don't plan to replace any more. There is a lot I don't want to replace any more to be honest. 

We have also been playing dinosaur games outside, but today was too cold for me. I am sure we'll be back out there tomorrow, and probably need to shovel a bit as well. He loves it, I tolerate it, and sometimes we take the dog out too. He gets cold so it's a good excuse to head back in. I know when I was his age, or younger, I played outside on my own but apparently that isn't a thing with kids now. I think if this had all happened when I was his age, if we'd had the technology, I'd have been ok to play alone. And I think sometimes this is harder for me because I have his care and mental well being to worry about. 

Between winter and covid and work, I am having a hard time. I am struggling with this round of lock down. I think the fact vaccinations are so close, yet so far away, is not helping. I really look forward to life returning to some semblance of normal again. I hope that Jackson will go back to school eventually, I hope that we will be able to travel, visit my parents, see friends. Get out of the house and DO something. It's taking a toll on both of us, he is bored and cranky, though he's been sleeping better. I am irritated and on edge. This is a struggle, the worst it's been yet. I really hope this lock down stuff ends soon. We need to be able to get out. I want desperately to be able to travel. Since we started doing our trips this is the longest we have gone without anything, before this it was 16 months and then we knew we were going back. This time it's been 17 months already with no end in sight. Likely 28 months or more. It's a first world problem for sure, but it is impacting my mental health. 

We still have rodents in the garage, though I've set traps and poison and tried to get rid of them. It's frustrating and I'm not sure what else I can possibly do. The back deck is still falling apart, I will let the landlord know about that in spring once the snow melts again. Though I don't want to live through it's repair or deal with them coming to check it out before it can get fixed. These are the things that make me want to move. But moving is so much work... and today I am not sure I can do it. I haven't got the energy or motivation to do the work that needs to be done. There is a lot of work to do here before we can move. I have so much I want to do, but I also wonder if moving is the best idea. The places I found outside of town are out, kiddo threw a fit about leaving the school he thinks he wants to go to. Even though he hates school, and his "friends" aren't always nice to him. I am so hoping the pediatrician appointment is helpful. Something needs to change. 

Small Steps

 Kiddo is in bed already, it's not even 8 yet. He is tired, and currently obsessed with getting 10 hours of sleep a night because that's how much a child his age should get. He looked it up. He didn't believe me when I told him. But that's ok, he believes it now. He only got 7 1/2 hours last night, and had a short nap today, maybe 30 minutes, so he has some to make up. I'm ok with it. If I can go to bed early tonight as well it will be great! 

The past couple evenings he has spent the time with me, as we used to. It is nice. He is interested in more grown up shows now, though he often watches his phone while the TV is on. We play games or he forces me to do nerf battles or play hide and seek. Well the nerf battles are all him, I hate them. We have even had dinner at the table, and he helped me cook. Not that it was much but he enjoyed helping so that was nice too. I look forward to moving and having more counter space to really cook on. 

And speaking of the moving, we found the perfect place to move to. It is further from here, about the same distance from my parents but has two master suites so Jackson is all excited to have his own ensuite. The main floor is nice and open with lots of space and a pantry, and a big breakfast bar. Even a fenced yard, which is lacking in the places near here that are also very nice. The new place is also cheaper, which leaves more money for travel and to save. So hopefully there will be something available still for May. At least with being able to work from home I don't have to worry about the commute so much. 

Ontario is in full lock down, don't leave the house unless you have to, mode. I went and picked up groceries today, the click and pick up style, and got Wendys drive thru for lunch. We made tacos for supper. He likes his nice and plain, just meat and cheese! We watched a show we can only find on YouTube, it's about this guy named Nigel who travels through time to visit dangerous seas and sea creatures, very realistic. I wish we could find the DVD. I'll keep watching for it though. 

I just want things to be back to whatever the new normal will be. With being able to travel and go places. I can't wait to get vaccinated, and for Jackson to be as well. I want to get on a cruise ship and sail away to warm lands. To eat yummy food and swim in the ocean. I can't wait. It is what keeps me going. The hope and plan that it will happen again. 

Goodbye 2020

 New year's eve. It feels good that this year is ending. I wish it had gone better. This COVID, lockdown stuff has been difficult. But I am trying to see the good things in it. I have really enjoyed working from home. I will continue with that for as long as possible, if I never have to go back to an office I will be ok with that. Though I'd like to go get my stuff from my desk, I had a really nice pair of boots I left as well as some baby pictures of kiddo, some of his artwork and a fancy travel mug I used for coffee/tea while I was there. Not much else really but still, I'd like to get that stuff. Eventually. 

My goals for this year have been interesting to try and keep. Yelling less, I think I have? I have certainly learned to listen to him more and let him have a bit more freedom in his own schedule. We haven't had regular games nights or anything but we do spend some time together and he is finally putting himself to sleep, though having a hard time getting to bed at night. We will work on that in the new year.

Losing weight, I did lose some over the early summer, it was hard and took a lot of exercise. And when I gave up again it all came back. Of course. My goal for the new year will be to eat keto/low carb and get 2500 steps on the days I work, as well as 10 minutes or more of walking each day. The goal is not the weight loss but to feel better. For my stomach to not be so unhappy, to have more energy. Hopefully, weight loss will come but it isn't the goal. 

The decluttering I did last December has remained, things have moved a bit and the kitchen remains a sore spot, honestly the layout is not the best for us. But the rest of the space on the main floor is good. I haven't done nearly enough to the rest of the house, but I need to now if we will be moving. I do not want to move all this stuff if we don't need to! So stuff needs to go. Sadly donation is difficult with covid around, so I'll have to figure that out and perhaps in a month or two things can be picked up again? 

Certainly, a lot changed in 2020, but not as much as I expected I guess. Jackson isn't in daycare, or school for that matter. My new job did not turn out as well as I had hoped but it's a job and I will continue working to make it better for me. If it doesn't improve though, since I've been there almost a year, I will look for something else. We haven't moved, but I still hope to. By the time we move, I will decide where and to which place. I hope by March 30 to get my back pay so will have enough for first/last, moving expenses and new stuff for the new place. I plan a two month No Buy challenge again, this time we'll stick to it. Nothing other than groceries, pet food and gas for the car, which I don't need a lot of. Jackson will get his allowance but it is all he will have to spend. I hope this will help us save even more for moving, and get Jackson a gaming computer. Though to earn that he has to actually speak to the therapist and the possibility of medication is there as well. 

For 2021, besides my goals for eating and moving my body, and my home, I haven't got much else. I want to focus on my health and my home. Jackson has said he wants to try therapy and perhaps medication for his ADHD so he won't have anger issues. I have an appointment on the 4th to talk to his family doctor and hopefully therapy will follow soon after. I will also bring up medication and see what the doctor's thoughts are on that. For school, I will leave that up to kiddo, if he'd like to continue homeschooling I am ok with that, or if he wants to go to school I will be ok with that as well. We do have a trip planned for December 2021, hopefully we will be vaccinated by then, and I will be ok with him missing two weeks of school for it. If they aren't, well I'm not sure it matters to me. I am quite disillusioned with public school to be honest, I blame them for a lot of Jackson's problems. 

I still feel the two bedroom townhome is the best choice for us, but the three bedroom would be nice. It costs more and I would worry things could be hard financially. It all costs more than here of course, but I am anxious to move. A lot of the problems here I am sure the landlord would solve if I brought it up with him, and some he will have to fix for a new tenant any way (the back deck which is rotting for example). But the space is also not the best for us. The kitchen in particular is not the best for cooking, which is part of why I don't like to cook. It may be silly but I think if we had a nice kitchen with a big island I would be more inclined to actually cook. And cooking would be better for our health. We have been watching some TV together and keep seeing the commercials for meal delivery kits and he asks why we don't get them any more. The short answer is both they are expensive and he has never eaten the actual meals from them. I always have to cook the food differently for him than the recipe calls for. He said he would try meat with sauce on it next time. But I do think we'll wait until we move to try them again. So hopefully April or May. 

Now tonight, steak, broccoli and spaghetti for supper. And tomorrow I cut carbs, again, and stick with it this time. Tomorrow I start walking again, inside or out, 10 minutes a day to start. Tonight we will watch something on TV or a movie and eat chips and chocolate and candy. Tomorrow, I will start cleaning in the basement and the guest room. I have to take down the Christmas tree, but am reluctant to do so, it is so pretty and I don't want to put it away. I am so glad we got a new tree, it is smaller but fits nicely and looks so nice. It will be so empty without it, and all the other stuff. I guess it's like that every year. This year seems different though. We had no family get together, it's been a week since Christmas and it feels strange. Time is always a bit of a blur this time of year, and this year is worse than ever. The whole year has been a blur. Hopefully 2021 will be better. Sometime by April vaccinations should be available for us (or me at least I guess) and this coming summer we will hopefully be able to do more than last year, perhaps go back to the zoo, maybe get to go to Calypso again, and just be happy. 

Christmas Eve

 This year has been a bit much. Everything has just been a lot. I am trying to find some good moments in amongst all the stuff that's happened, and I admit there have been some good things. I love working from home, Jackson and I have gotten along better, the house is neat on the main level and Christmas promises to be lovely. We opened up Christmas PJ's to wear tomorrow while we open gifts, and hopefully they fit us :) The dog got a Christmas sweater, which he doesn't really like. Tomorrow, I hope the boy likes his presents. I'm not sure he will really love them all but I hope so! It will be quiet and just the two of us. We'll video chat my parents later to show off his gifts. 

Finn's Sweater

Yesterday we went to meet them half way, they had picked up some sausages and stuff for kiddo, including a new monitor to replace the one he broke. Hopefully this one will last. On the way there a light came on the dash of my car and it got stiff to turn. So that made for a great present. I got it towed to the dealership where they fixed it up. Mice/rats chewed a wire. Could have been worse, but still cost $500. I'm parked in the driveway until we kill all the mice/rats. Or move, whichever comes first. 

I still want to move. I want to go on cruises, go back to Disney. I want to have another child, or adopt, or something. All of those require money, which I have less of than I would like. And of course I am not getting any younger. And this entire year has been a right off... I wasted it and the time home. I could have done more, but I didn't. I have a few months to get ready, still in lock down. I will use it to my advantage.

I also need to contact our family doctor in the new year and get Jackson to talk to a therapist. He asked for medication, I'm not sure of that but I am at a point where perhaps it is necessary. I think I could also use a therapist so we'll see about that too. Different ones. 

Tomorrow is Christmas. I made Jackson promise not to get me up before 7 for presents. Today he got up at noon. He's been having trouble sleeping and tonight I am sure he'll get very little. He can have a nap after the gifts, unless he wants to play with them all or something. We will have sausages, hashbrowns, bacon and eggs for breakfast. Lots of coffee for me. And I got a porchetta for dinner, we'll have mashed potatoes with it, cauliflower and gravy of course. I'm not sure how to cook the roast but I'll figure it out tomorrow. There will be lots of candy and chocolate (for me) some hot chocolate and marshmallows. And lots of rain, so a green Christmas (no snow!).

Starting on the 26th I need to get in the basement and get cleaning! I may need some more bins, I have bought 6 but not sure it will be enough for the toys and stuff down there. I have 3 to 5 months before I hope to move so need to get things cleaned up and sorted down there asap. I guess since I'm parking in the driveway I can use the garage for some garbage storage. I don't want to move anything more than necessary. I'll take the tree down by the 31st probably. And hopefully it won't take too long to get the basement sorted out. 

Jackson turns 11

 It's my baby's birthday. Today, as when he was born, it's snowing. Unlike the past few years, we haven't been able to have a big party. We did facetime my parents while he opened presents, so that was nice. And we will order in our usual dinner. Normally we'd go there but that isn't really a smart choice. I have ice cream for his special dessert, with sprinkles and a candle. He isn't big on cake so this works. I did buy some mini cupcakes he likes but I think he will enjoy the ice cream more. 

The dog goes to the groomers this afternoon as well, he needs a haircut. Then I'll pick him up later when he's all dry and smells good again. And this morning I went to the big W and spent way too much money, but think I am finally done shopping! I wrapped all the presents when I got home, realized I ordered the wrong Monopoly game, should have checked the packages better when things arrived, but did find the proper one on amazon and will get it Monday. So phew... and we'll keep the other version for a gift for someone if birthday parties ever become a thing again. I took the day off and it was nice. I can't wait to be off for two weeks over the holidays.

We were supposed to be on a cruise ship this week, today we'd be in Grand Cayman and going to the steakhouse for dinner. Maybe next year. Now that one vaccine is approved, I am sure others will follow. I know I'm not at the top of the list to get one, and kids aren't even on the list yet, but hopefully by next fall we'll be able to get them and then be able to travel again. I miss travelling! 

We've been talking a lot about moving. I am hoping by May, but earlier would be better. It depends on what "spring" means in terms of my back pay. March? or later? Who knows, but we'll be getting ready any way. The main floor is still looking good after the decluttering last year, a few hot spots pop up, I have a hard time keeping the kitchen neat, it's just so little counter space, so little storage. But the rest is good. I will work in the basement over the holidays, I plan to spend a couple days, or part of days at least, down there getting as much as possible out of the house. And I have lists of things we want to buy or replace before, or shortly after, we move. I think we'll be staying in Barrhaven, where exactly remains to be seen still. And perhaps it is silly to move, but I want a change I guess. I hope to buy a few of the items I want to replace over the next few months. At least the raises are set to come before the new year, so my pay will go up, thank goodness. 

I wonder sometimes, if I should move ahead with baby 2 plans. My body is against it, but my heart yearns for it. With 11, and more likely 12 years between kids, is it foolish? I mean another 7 years and Jackson is 18, then I could be alone again. But is that what I want? Jackson wants a brother who is only a few years younger than he is. Adoption would be that route, but adoption comes with it's own hurdles, and difficulties. And I worry I wouldn't pass whatever tests they set. Plus I'd have to rely on other people to provide references and such. It's so frustrating a process. But I won't be happy without trying something. Adoption is less expensive, but less sure. 

So I go on with my plans. Though keto fell in the face of my mom's cherry loaf. I am getting back to it, and will continue to try and follow it through the new year, January and February for sure. No more junk food or carbs for me. I will be ready and able to do it. And the cherry loaf is gone so that helps. The decluttering continues, and will escalate shortly. 

Jackson has quite the set up now for his computer, except that his laptop is not powerful enough to be a true gaming system. I did promise him a gaming system once I get my back pay, in the spring. He has everything else he needs for it now though, fancy microphone, webcam, good monitor, gaming keyboard and mouse. I'll get him a good system in the spring, and a bigger desk once we move. If we move. We should move. 

November Ending

 This year is going very fast, and very slow at the same time. I think most people are feeling the same thing. At least it is the Holiday season. Christmas is coming up soon, I'm not at all ready, but I have started at least. I have an idea of what to get everyone who needs to be bought for. Time just seems to be moving fast, Jackson is growing up a lot. Work is the same, day by day. I wish I had more time off but I am trying to save most of it for when things are back to normal and we can travel. I will have two weeks off over Christmas at least, and a day off on Jackson's birthday. My parents are dropping off gifts next week, so I need to wrap what I got for them, and hope it's enough. It's not much this year, shopping was tricky as I didn't want to go out much to do it. I need to get a few more things for Jackson, his birthday is covered but I feel like I haven't gotten him enough for Christmas yet. I'll work on that after his birthday. A lot of smaller things this year, no one big gift. I know he wants a gaming PC but there is no way I'm spending that much on one thing this year! I promised him one when I get my back pay in May-ish. When we will also hopefully be moving. 

Everything feels very stuck, stuck in waiting mode. I am waiting for this or that before moving forward. It's hard, hard because of covid, and not being able to see family or friends, but also hard because I want so many things and I feel like I have wasted so much time already. I've been trying to do what I can, the Christmas ornaments are mostly sorted and some are gone. I need to work on the basement more, it's become a dumping ground for stuff. Yet I also worry about getting rid of all the baby stuff when I want another one. But I can always replace things I guess. I don't want to pay to move things we don't need. Starting in January we'll be saving more money, which will be hardest on kiddo, he is not used to being denied. He's already pushing me for things he wants and I say it's too close to his birthday/Christmas and we don't have extra money for that now, he gets very mad. His allowance is never enough. 

I've been eating keto for almost a week now. I feel good about it. My stomach is a lot happier after the first day or so. Keeping it up will be tricky for the next week or so, I plan to cheat on Christmas for dinner, maybe. After that it should be smoother sailing. At least I hope so! While I hope it will let me lose some weight, it is also so I feel better, which I normally do when I stick to it. I just have to stick to it. 

I have no trips planned for 2021. Obviously we don't know when vaccines or anything will be happening so I haven't got any travel plans. We have a cruise booked for 2022, which has been changed apparently, without notifying me. I am not sure how I feel about the new changes, the ship and itinerary have changed, even the dates. We'll see. Perhaps they will offer something eventually. And if I were to decide to do something about having another baby I may not be able to go any way. We also have a cruise booked for 2023, and those I am really looking forward to. With a baby or not. 

I still want to hold a baby in my arms, even if it means being pregnant and giving birth, and being broke for ages. Jackson said he doesn't want a baby brother (he insists it will be a boy no matter what) who is that much younger than him, but he also kind of wants a brother. He's be happier if we adopt, but I'm not sure I can go through all of that. Though it might cost less, it is so much extra work and invasive. Plus, I wouldn't get a baby. Though given my health and reproductive status I'm not sure a baby is possible any way. Whether I can afford it or not. In any case, my priorities now are staying keto, decluttering the house, and moving. 

Why move though? Our place is decent, I am sure the landlord would fix the things that are problems if needed. I just don't care of having yard work, and shoveling, and would like a change, new start. Perhaps a place that's a bit more updated, easier to clean, with new schools to choose from. Should he go back to school. Close enough to work that I can go if I have to. Though I do hope I'll be able to continue working from home indefinitely. The places I am looking at are probably smaller than this place, two people don't need so much space. Even if I have a baby, there should be a way to do that. Some of them have 3 bedrooms, similar to this place but a different, more open, layout, and better finishes. Perhaps no finished basement, but I don't think that will be a problem. They probably all cost more than here though. But not by much. 

Jackson needs better friends. The only kids he is still in touch with, he plays on line with and one of them is just not a nice kid. The other one is ok except for the influence of the other. And the boy who lived down the street, moved. Far. It's harder since he's not going to school. But he always had difficulties with friends. I am hoping we'll be able to figure something out if we move, perhaps he will meet other kids, even if I put him in school for a year or whatever, so he can make friends. I'll figure it out. I know if we stay here and he goes to the high school with all those kids, he'll never branch out to the other kids. And he needs better friends. 

November is almost done for another year. One more month to go! Then finally 2020 is over. Apparently the vaccines should be available and distributed by September next year. I will remain hopeful that it actually happens like that. Perhaps I'd plan a last minute trip for Disney or something. Or get pregnant. Who knows! 

Happy Thanksgiving 2020

 What a different year this is. Normally we'd head to my sister's for dinner, or possibly my parent's. But this year, we are home. And since a big ole turkey dinner is way too much for us, when Jackson doesn't really like any of it, we will have a chicken with some gravy and he can have pasta or rice with his. Should still be yummy, but different from regular years. We did go visit my parents on Friday, before restrictions here locked up again. Considering neither kiddo nor I have been out of the house much in the past few weeks, it did feel quite safe. We won't see my sister and her family though, they are spending a lot of time up at their cottage (well brother in law and niece any way, my sister doesn't go). I think that's actually against the new rules, but I'm not going to cause them a problem over it. Just keep our distance really. 

Halloween promises to be another strange holiday, I have promised to buy lots of candy and we'll just stay home. He hasn't really got any friends to go trick or treating with at this point any way. Which is strange and interesting. He has always felt like he'll never make friends, yet he has never really had any good ones. I have suggested we could move, perhaps to a smaller town just outside Ottawa, and have a lower cost of living, more space. And he'd make new friends, though that would require him going to school. Another thing to think on any way. As long as I am close enough to go in some days to the office, eventually. I will be pushing to work from home as much as possible. At least until Jackson is a bit older, or back in school full time. I am looking at a few places, they are closer to my parents. But still rentals. And then I'm not sure if its "worth it" to move. Perhaps we should wait a bit longer, another year or whatever. Maybe someday I can buy a place, though to be honest, if I just wait until I'm retired, and he's moved out, I can get a smaller condo type place maybe? Or an RV and just drive south when it's cold. 

We watched all the Harry Potter movies, which he enjoyed. And have led to an increased desire to visit Universal Studios. Maybe in a year, or two. Probably a combo trip with our Favourite Disney. There are some new rides coming there and it is our happy place for sure. We already have two cruises booked for 2022 and 2023 so will have to fit it around those, and if we do more trips, we won't be moving any time soon! We still have to watch the Fantastic Beasts movies, but those should be coming out soon for us to watch. 

After Halloween it will be the count down to winter and Christmas. I have already told him there won't be a big birthday party this year, but that means I'll get him a proper gift instead of paying for an expensive party. We will go to my parent's to celebrate and maybe see Auntie and her family. When asked what he wants, he doesn't know besides a gaming computer. But apparently my dad may be upgrading his computer and then giving his to kiddo... that one does play the games he likes better and I think we could maybe upgrade the graphics card to help with lag as well. Then the laptop goes to my mom, or someone. 

At some point we should go for a walk in the woods to see the pretty fall colours. The weather has just been so rainy lately that I'm sure it's pure mud on all the trails. It would be nice to be out in the fresh air and enjoy some nature. The trails nearby are ok but not really nature trails at all. I am not sure Gatineau that is possible, Quebec's rates are as bad or worse than Ottawa so I don't really want to risk it. There are some trails near here, I'm not sure how busy they are, I imagine when the weather is nice they will be very busy though. 

Other than having to go for dog food next week, I should need much of anything grocery wise for at least a few weeks. That is nice, and hopefully means we won't have to head out to any stores. I'll need cat food too but that I get delivered as it's cheaper. Avoid going out much is key. Eventually things will improve again, I hope. Eventually, things will return to a more normal state, though I doubt they will ever be what they were. Some pieces of this lock down and isolation will probably continue, work from home would be great to keep going, but it would be nice to travel again. I can live with masks, if we have to, though they can be a pain at times. 

I've been reading some online, people who are all upset because of the lockdowns, and they raise some good points, that it is destroying people in poor areas, in other countries that have relied on tourism and not for profits. I see it, but I also see this disease that we know so little about, we don't know the long term impacts of people having this disease. Maybe the death rate isn't super high, but there are more and more people who are having serious long term impacts from it. People who recover, who don't have the virus any more, but are having issues with lungs, lethargy, blood clotting issues, so many health problems. And with things running rampant south of the border, I am all for keeping that closed until they get it together. The problem of course is we can't open travel to over seas without opening to the US, so we are stuck. Keep the 2 week isolation until things can be kept safer, until there is better tracking of contacts. 

I do know people who have had problems because of this lock down, because things were closed for so long. So many businesses that have closed. I am thankful that the government is at least doing something to help, that there are benefits being brought in to help people make a living wage. I hope these types of things continue, this is how Canada's universal health care started, this is how we need to continue. Yes, we pay a lot of taxes because of these things but it seems worth it to me. I don't have to worry that if I get sick, I will have a massive bill to pay because of it. When I had my gallbladder problems I didn't have to worry about my hospital stay or the surgery, it was all covered. Any way. All interesting stuff to think about. 

Autumn 2020

 It's hard to believe it's Fall already. Autumn sounds so much prettier, but still, this year has been flying by. Which is weird since it has been a year of not doing a whole lot of anything. Heck, we hardly leave home any more. The city is in a second wave, since schools opened up there have been a lot more cases nearby, and getting tested is actually really difficult. I am glad I pulled kiddo out, my stress is a lot less, as is his. He has one friend from school he has been seeing a lot. He is there at the moment actually. I'll go get him in an hour or so. He hasn't been getting enough sleep the past few nights. One of his friends sent a message at 4 AM to all of his friends wondering if anyone was awake and it woke kiddo up. He has a hard time getting back to sleep ever so that was not good. He did eventually but it left him tired. This morning he woke up rather early, threw up, went back to sleep and got up at 11, which is unheard of. The sleep and then some food really helped. 

I have no idea what we are going to do this winter. I had planned to move us to some (expensive) rental townhomes near us but since he isn't in school, do we have to stay around here? Could we move further out? Find something bigger or whatever? I'm not sure. I will probably wait until I get my back pay. We are still voting on the contract so once that is done, it could be 6 months before we get the money. Such a long time, hopefully by spring I guess! So winter, will be here, and we'll have to shovel again. But, I won't have to drive him to school or me to work. So we don't have to do it first thing or whatever, it can take time to do, we can relax a little bit about it. As long as I get the garage cleaned up over the next couple weeks so I can park in there again. 

It is strange to me that my province is locking down again while some places in the states are getting more lax. I am not sure why, and I guess it doesn't matter too much. We will follow the rules and do our part to curb the spread. We will get flu shots (don't usually do that) and not travel (I wish we could go somewhere warm this winter!). Maybe in another year, or 18 months, or even 2 years, we will be able to travel again. We'll be ready! 

For our epic unschool, kiddo has been playing some video games, watching videos and we have been reading a couple books together. We also started watching the Harry Potter movies. He actually quite enjoyed the first two, and asked a lot of questions, but also figured a lot of the twists and turns out before they were revealed. He is observant and a smart kid. I have a few books for worksheets if he is interested. I plan to focus on his self esteem, a growth mindset, and just his general mental health over the next year, rather than focusing on his learning. I think it will be better for him long term to know how to handle anxiety, stress, and feel good about himself. It isn't always easy though. I can only do nerf battles and games like that for so long. I wish he'd rather play cards or something. Oh well. At least he still has one friend to play with, and hopefully we'll figure out something to do this winter. 

This year

 I know there are a lot of jokes and memes floating around about 2020, I mean this year has been so crazy. Usually, I am ok with it all. I mean I have a bit of worry about what we'd do if I got sick, or if he did, and in the beginning about how expensive everything suddenly became, but we made it through that part and are somewhat settled. I try and see the good parts, I love being able to work from home, and I think it's been good for him to be not in school for a little while. But then, something will trigger this overwhelming "ugh" moment for me and I will feel like crying about the whole situation. I miss the things we should have been doing this summer, he was supposed to be trying out new summer camps, we were supposed to have season passes for the local water park. Now, we've gone to the beach once, and will be going to a museum this week but otherwise we haven't really gone anywhere or done much. I feel badly that I haven't been able to do as much as we did last year, we haven't been able to go swimming or to the beach we like (it's closed this summer any way) and even little day trips haven't happened because of so many restrictions.

This virus, it scares me, and it amazes me how quickly the world has changed. I feel resentful that I can't do things I want to do, that we can't plan trips for this winter, and we can't even just decide to go swimming and play at the pools. I am sad that things have changed in so many ways, and scared about what school holds for this fall. At least in that regard I am (so far) satisfied with my decision to send him, the board has about 25% of kids that won't be going to class so I am hoping his group will be smaller. I hope that we will feel like it's safe, and not want to pull him back to online. If I'm honest, we could use a little break from one another. It's been a long 6 months of just us, with a few breaks where he has spent a night at my parent's. He is going for 3 nights this weekend and is already worrying about it. I am looking forward to it, as much as I love my kiddo, I am an introvert by nature and look forward to alone time. 

He's been staying up late, we go to bed at the same time so I don't get time then. During the week, I get up first but I have to work, so it isn't like I can just watch something fun for me. I do get some time after dinner sometimes (like today) when he's either playing online with friends or going to the park with them. I prefer when he goes to the park, but I'll take either option. Weekends, I am probably up after him. I feel like I have not been getting enough sleep at all. I think once school starts, he'll be going to bed earlier. I hope so. 

Once school is sorted, or at least started, I will have to consider work. I am not happy with my job, the work itself that I currently have is irritating to me, it is not something I enjoy and not what I want to be doing. I will have to find a way to get a new position, without being able to just go walk up to people I know and chat with them. I'm sure I can do it, I really want to get back to projects, I prefer it a lot. I am also good at it, good at writing for projects. I just hope I can find something. 

I am feeling down this evening, probably tired from a long night, he woke up with a bad dream and I had to sit with him for about 2 hours in the middle of the night. So I'm tired. Doesn't help the situation. I am also wondering about travelling. We miss it, we went to Disney last summer and it was so nice. I can't wait to go back, but not until the mess is over in the US. I also want to cruise, but don't see that happening. I am wondering if it will be at all possible to go to an all inclusive, we never have, and winter is going to be long. But we won't go if it isn't safe of course. And if we do go, it will have to be somewhere with a lot to do for him. But then too, a trip may mean we can't move.

And speaking of the moving, I keep thinking we should stay here another two years, save enough to buy something. Something small. Instead of renting. I don't know. Buying will be very expensive, prices have gone up so much in only a few years, two more years could be difficult. But I'd have my debts paid off by then and hopefully enough for a down payment. But buying comes with so much responsibility, and having to maintain things. I'm sure we can find something that isn't too much work. 

Back to School Decisions

Local school boards have finally released their plans for back to school. For kiddo's board, the elementary schools will be back to full days. They will have staggered starts and breaks, but we won't get those details until schools send more information in another week or two. We have until this Friday to decide if we will do online or in class. Whatever you choose, you are stuck to until end of October. The kids will have to wear masks, have one seat, do their work online in the platform the board uses. The online kids will be at home, and able to contact teachers for help. They will be able to collaborate with the in class kids apparently. 

Details are still a little fuzzy on how the staggering will work, and how many kids will be in a group. The classes will be online and in class kids together. Teachers will rotate into the class, so kids will have their own little "island" of a desk, with all their stuff. That will be fun in winter. They will have to come up with something for the boots and such. 

I have contacted those parent's I know, and so far, of the 6 kids, 3 are doing online only, 2 are going to in class and one is probably going to in class, but his mom is a teacher and looking for more information first. Jackson wants to go. I think he should. But. I am prepared to pull him out, and I mean take him out and home school instead. Actually unschool. To be honest, I think it would be better for him in any case, but I don't want to pull him out if he is not ready. So I give the school a week or two before he wants to never go again. The problem I have is that I will have to get over what I think he needs to learn versus what he wants to learn. I can't help him with French, he doesn't want to do "regular" learning. But he is learning, he can tell you anything you want to know about planes, different types, various airlines, how to land, what the differences are. If he keeps it up I am hoping to put him in air cadets at 12, he wants to learn to fly and that would be the least expensive way to do it. I know he'll have other things that come up that he wants to learn more about. And it would be freeing to not be tied to the school year for vacations and such. But... can we do it? We may find out. 

For me, work is not going well. I am not enjoying it and wish I could change jobs. I am waiting for the union to sign our new contracts and then get some back pay and a raise. I can't wait for that! I am trying to do my job, trying to not hate it but I am not inspired by what I'm supposed to do, at all. It is frustrating to be dealing with a system that was built with so many issues. I mean it's practically new, only a year or two old, and yet there are so many things that it can't do, yet I'm asked to try and get the information. I wish I was back on a project, even if it meant just writing stuff again. I don't know what to do in the current climate, finding a new position will not be easy. And I really want to be able to stay home as long as possible, like another 10 years until I can retire if possible. My retirement course in early September will be online, perhaps I will learn more then about what I need to do over the next 10 years. 

The townhomes we want to move to are going up for rent, but only the ones on the main road and I want the back ones on the quiet street. We don't have first/last yet any way so we'll have to wait. And then I keep waivering. perhaps we should stay here for another year, save some money, buy a house instead of renting? But renting is so much easier for maintenance, not having to replace things. But if we homeschool, and I can work from home, we can live anywhere, a house in the country with a big yard, or some place else near by that is less expensive. I guess we'll see what happens over the next couple months. 

Those back to school plans

Provinces are starting to roll out their back to school plans for the fall. It is interesting to read them all and see the variation across the country. Ontario announced their plans this afternoon and the school boards will take that and let us know what they intend to do. I look forward to more details but am happy with what I've read so far. Kids in grade 4 through 12 will wear masks, I have 10 so far for kiddo and a few more on the way, so he can wear two a day at least. They will go full week, full days, and stick to their cohort. That needs to be clarified. I have emailed the school to ask if Jackson can be in a class with a couple of his friends and not his enemy. Hopefully his class will be his cohort. 

I am glad they are going back to full days, however I am prepared to pull him from school, whether to do the online stuff they are supposed to be providing for those who don't want to send their children, or to homeschool him. Or rather unschool him I guess. It will be interesting to fit this in to work, but I have no intention of going back to the office until there is a vaccine or very well established protocols in place to keep us all safe. Work is a bit different from school, more people, smaller spaces, no windows that open. 

Things have been going ok for us. He has been able to get out with friends a bit. Last week he was riding his bike and fell off. We spent a morning in the ER and he has a buckle fracture, so he's been in a splint for a week so far, two more to go! Then two weeks he has to be careful with it (so wear the splint while he is biking or playing outside). I am hoping the friends he is going out to play with will be in his cohort. 

We went yesterday to look at the townhomes that are coming up for rent soon. They are really nice, well finished and a good size. I am hoping we will be able to move for November or December, it is a lot of work, so much work. I am crossing my fingers and need to work out a plan. I also need to make sure I can afford it. My income has gone up a bit since I am not taking the unpaid leave this summer, and also my union just finally came to a new deal with my employer. It isn't signed yet but just a matter of time. That will take a long time to get sorted but the almost 6 years of back pay will be nice when it comes, if I could wait to move until then it would be ideal but I don't think the places will still be available. They are super nice, and of course close to his current school, and closer to the high school. They are also right beside a park with basketball net so he can play a lot, and his friends who go the park to play will be close by. Part of me thinks it is probably silly to move, but we have been in this house for 7 years I think? I'm not used to be in one place for so long, and changing schools isn't a good option. Purchasing is not an option, homes are far too expensive for what I want. 

The place also has 3 bedrooms, which would be awesome if I decide to have another child. Which I shouldn't do. It would be too much. Just that every time I read about someone else, another SMC, having a second (or third) baby, it makes me sad and full of regret. It would be lovely but I know it's not realistic. I can't even say "someday" as my days are running out. For now, Jackson will have two rooms for himself, and I will continue to be sad that I don't have 3 kids. 

Almost August

Time seems to be moving very quickly. It's almost August! I wonder if it would feel slower if I were taking August off again. This is the first summer I haven't, my pay cheque/bank account are very happy about this. My mental health is holding in there. I don't have to worry about summer camps or daycare so it's easier in that sense. I am working, it's going along fine. Things are getting done, but I could use a little break. I am glad I'll have a 5 day weekend soon. I need it. 

July has been hot. It's too bad we can't swim, or even get to a beach. And now we really can't. Jackson fell off his bike two days ago and broke his arm. It's a buckle fracture so he only needs a splint, but it can't get wet, so no swimming. Hopefully it heals quickly and completely. I am glad we don't have a trip planned. He is still able to go out, he went out with a friend today on his bike. He took his phone this time though, and some water and hand sanitizer. Not that he can do the monkey bars with a broken arm, but still good to have on him. The heat has been making it hard for me to sleep. We have central air, but it doesn't seem to work that well upstairs. We have ceiling fans in the bedrooms thank goodness, they do help, but I still feel so hot all the time! I'm sure it's partly "the change" so not much I can do about it. 

I work in a unionized job, and we've been without a new contract since 2016, they are currently negotiating, again, and hopefully we'll get a new deal from this round of bargaining. Because of all the "phoenix" issues we are also supposed to get a small bit of money. I am planning to use part of it to pay off some bills and put some aside so we can move to the new places, still rent, but new and nice, and a bit smaller. No yard to work on, which will possibly be annoying for the dog, but I think we'll manage. I just hope we get this all sorted before the end of the year. I am also glad to have finally paid up the leave I took last summer, so my take home pay has jumped a bit. I'll be trying to continue living as though I don't get that extra and put it aside. 

I am 99% sure we'll be cancelling our December cruises, but am waiting to see if the cruise lines cancel them first. I have booked a 14 night cruise for January 2022. It is sad that we'll have to wait so long to travel, but I really want to have something to look forward to. I would have been planning for Disney or Universal next summer but I don't think we'll be doing that. The situation down there is a bit nuts and I don't want to risk it really. 

I am hoping I'll be able to continue working from home indefinitely, like forever. School will be restarting September 3, though we won't know what that looks like until early August. I am hoping it's back to classroom, but also worry it needs to still be safe, so not sure that will be the best option. The school at home thing did not work for us, I can't see that improving. He needs to be able to be around kids. Hopefully if they limit the classroom size he will be put in with some kids he likes. 

It's summer, we are doing what we can to enjoy it while staying away from other people. Jackson spends some time at my parent's and is able to go out with a few friends to play. Even with the broken are he's still able to ride his bike and get some activity. I am hoping we'll be able to move before next summer, and need to get some work done in the house. I'd like to have the declutter lady come back for another day and help with the basement. I have bought a few things for here and there, a fancy red garbage can for the kitchen and a new headboard for my room. I'm excited to get that and make my bed cozy. I hope to hire her for a day when I move in as well, to really help get off on the right foot and get things organized right away. I have a list of things we'll need and a budget for all of it, so I don't have anything unexpected, even the utility moving costs are calculated. 

Happy Belated Canada Day

I have realized, after having 5 days off in a row, that perhaps I should have booked some summer vacation. It was nice, to sleep in, to watch a lot of TV and such. It was nice to not get up early and do as I wanted through the day. I don't tend to workout as much though. I find the days I work, I am reminded to get up and move more so I get more steps in, and often need to step away from the work to do a short workout. I love the being able to sleep in, but I am mostly glad I am saving my vacation days for when life returns to "normal" and we are able to travel again. One other thing, I have saved so much sick leave. Normally I use it up almost as fast as I accrue it. I get migraines and have only had a couple since lock down began, I wonder how much of a part the lighting at work plays. Possibly hormones as well, since I also have still not had a period since Disney last August (which has been awesome, though sad at the same time). 

For Canada Day, we didn't even leave the house. Well, I did go get us cold drinks, an iced coffee for me and a slushy drink for him. There were no fireworks, no big celebration. I guess it's good it wasn't the 150 or something? To be honest, we don't really have a lot of plans for the whole of summer. I am bribing him to do some work during the week, which so far has not worked very well. It's pretty easy stuff, I would like to know he is up to speed when school restarts, depending on what that even looks like.

I am very glad that the main floor got decluttered in December, it has made a big difference in being able to enjoy the space a bit. I want to do more work upstairs but keep procrastinating, getting started is the hard part. It needs to be done though. The basement as well but we don't use that as much. It would be nice to get it done so we can move if we choose to, though the places I was looking at moving to are going to probably be out of my budget. And I may miss the backyard? Well the dog will miss the backyard, he loves chasing the bunnies out there. The places aren't quite as close to the walking trail, but not too far. And the park is right there. Hopefully that will open up soon, actually living right there beside it would be hard to resist. 

I have been walking, and working out. And my knees are feeling it. I guess I should have worked to lose more weight before trying any jogging. But the jogging does really feel good in the moment. It makes me feel strong and like I can do anything. The workouts I have been doing also make me feel strong. Though the first few days I also felt sore! It was kind of nice to feel like I had done something. And it improved, I got better at it. In only a few days. 

The province is still slowly moving forward, things have been reopening. I can walk into McDonalds now to order take out, which is nice for us. It's closer to walk than drive. I wear a mask, it makes it easier! Though of course that could kick me in the butt if I don't stick to the points. I hope the city pools open sooner than later, we love to go swimming and it would be nice when the weather is so hot. If the water park doesn't open I will look at going to the one in Quebec, though it's not as nice. We do need some things to do, to get him off the computer and moving would be nice. He has been playing with a friend, but not everyday. That's ok, somedays are better than others.

I have no idea what fall will bring, school's should open to some extent, and if not, well, it will be really hard to get him to do anything. I think if that happens I will have to really step up the bribes, or something. Some fights have not been worth it. My goals are to help him stop breaking things, and learn some emotional control over his anger. I have no idea if we will accomplish that over the summer or not! It would also be really nice if he could fall asleep on his own without me sitting there. Those are my goals for him. My goals for me are all about my health, losing weight, eating better, moving more. And controlling my own temper as well. He does know how to push my buttons. I know that to manage better, I need to take care of myself better. So the walking and exercise are key there. It has been really hot, so the walking has to happen early or very late. Somedays, it's too hot for the dog even early. I do go out myself those days. The dog gets to play fetch in the house and run around inside, thankfully he is small enough that is seems to be just enough. 

I am also working on myself and letting go of what I can't have. I have to let go of my big family dreams. I know it's not practical, I know it doesn't make financial sense. I know my body is done so the choices would be expensive. In my head, I know. In my heart? Oh I wish I could have two more kids, I wish we could be a big family. I have buried my dream in trips instead, and now that trips are off the table for awhile, it brings the family dream back around to my heart. Could I adopt? I don't know. I don't even know that I would really want to be pregnant again, it was not a good experience the first time. So my head should win this battle and perhaps convince my heart what to do, or I guess not do in this case? 

As for the trips, we have two cruises booked in December, but given the mess that the US is at the moment, in particular Florida, I have no idea if we would even be able to travel there. I'm not sure I want to! There is also the November election, what impact that could have. So perhaps we will try an all inclusive this year instead. Or spend another winter in the cold. Hey, if I don't have to drive to work maybe it wouldn't be so bad? And hopefully this work from home thing will be the way going forward, at least most of the time, with perhaps going in to the office on occasion? Honestly? I'd be totally ok with that. And given it looks like kids will only be in classes maybe two days a week, if that, it is probably going to be the way for at least the next school year. 

New Year's Eve 2019

Another year is winding down. A decade really. I will soon be 45! Jackson is now 10, double digits! It has been quite a lot. A lot has happened, yet it all still feels the same. Does that make sense? I'm not sure.

This year has been interesting, it started pretty well. We were in a good place in terms of his behaviours. He started the year with comments from teachers that they noticed an improvement in him. We are ending it not that well. He's been on all his devices far too much, and is angry a lot of the time. I try to connect but he rebuffs me a lot. I miss my sweet boy. It's hard, but we continue on.

My goal for the new year is to yell less, to connect more. I'd like to have a game night, and a movie night. To get him to put away the devices and play. I want us to be active together in the summer. Walks, bike rides, whatever.

I have been gaining weight for awhile now, it keeps creeping up and up. I know what I need to do, the doing of it is the hard part. I plan to eat less carbs, meal plan so that leftovers are accounted for and used up. I will start walking again in the spring, and I'd like to do yoga at some point. I should start exercising sooner than spring, but we'll see on that front.

My home, it never quite got sorted when we moved in, and we continued to add to the toys and "stuff" over the years. My parents hired someone to come help me clean it, so I spent two days with her cleaning the whole main level. I tossed so many bags of garbage and she took even more to donate. There is no clutter now, everything has a place. Even the kitchen is organized and feels like I can cook in it! I still have to do the basement and the upstairs, but I feel like I can do it now. I need to focus though, spend a day or even half a day and just get through stuff. I'll have to take care of the donating myself, so it probably won't end up where I would most like it. Only one place comes to pick stuff up, but that is the easiest for sure.

Money, well money sucks. I am very broke. The cruise I wanted to take in March is not going to happen. But I have a goal to move in August or September (depends when the places are ready). So I need to save, first, last, movers, buy boxes, and hire the clutter lady to help me unpack for a day or half a day, so I start at that place in the right way. I have a cruise booked for next December, and we will go on that one. I can do this, save enough for everything and still manage to feed us properly. It will require saying NO to kiddo more often than I do, but it can happen. I have a list of things I want for the new place, and others I think we'll need. The needs come first of course, and whatever else I can get is prioritized.

The decluttering, getting rid of so much stuff, was cathartic, and exhausting at the same time. I feel good about the house now, though it still feels closed off. I do imagine the new place will be easier to organize. There may be some more toys to go. For now though, it works. Being able to cook will help with eating better. Not tripping over things will mean I can vacuum more often. And it will just be better in the long run. Still a ways to go with two thirds not done, but the one third that is done looks much nicer.

The New Year will be about change. I change jobs in late January. We hope to move mid year and I hope to take Jackson out of daycare by late March. That is a big change. Keeping the house clean, eating better, moving more. I can do it all. It sounds big but most are actually small changes.