A week to school

I think I am more worried about this change than Jackson is.  Apparently I do not handle change very well either.  He has been a lot more cuddly lately, and looking for comfort and reassurance.  I know he's trying to process the whole change and we talk about it every night at bedtime, but he is also doing quite well with everything.  I managed to get all the paperwork done, phew!  Short time frame but I did it. I still haven't heard from the school at all, hopefully this week, to confirm everything, and his start date for school.  He starts at the daycare September 3rd, and they do a staggered start in the school, so we go in to meet the teacher, then later he starts with a small group, and finally the whole group of kids.  I think he will be one of 10 or so that are also in the daycare, so he will have built in friends, which is great.

I am a little nervous about the daycare, I have been spoiled with the brand new facility he's been at.  The new place is more chaotic in layout, and while I know he will do well there, it was a little overwhelming, with the kids who are so much older than he is.  But he will be with them only before school and after the full day kids, as well as the PD days.  I hope that the first day goes really well.

We have been talking about what he'll do, and how to make a new friend, even what to eat for snacks and lunch. I know he's nervous about it, but also excited. I think he will miss the place he's been going, it's been 2 years and he has some good friends.

School will bring changes for me too.  Because the new daycare opens half an hour earlier I hope I am able to work 7:30 to 3:30 instead of 8 to 4.  I will then come home and walk/run with the dog.  Pick the kid up at 4:30.  So he'll be in care for an extra hour but I think it will be worth it as the dog has been greatly neglected lately. He needs the exercise, and so do I!  I don't expect exercise will help me lose much weight, but it will help me feel better, which is more important I suppose.

We'll also have different weekends, with soccer on Saturday mornings and Sunday mornings will be basketball. I had signed him up with the expectation of our normal routine, but this will be busier for sure.  It should help curb the spending/shopping habits though.  Since we'll be busy all morning we'll have to plan for meals, and spend some time in the afternoon prepping for the next week.  I know we will have to prep a lot since I'll be sending in snack for school and lunch for daycare.  So that's a lot of healthy stuff to figure out and not be boring with.  I hope it means I will also take my own lunch with more regularity.  I tend to get lazy, especially around pay day :-)

I keep going over and over the math.  And I can't see how I can afford another baby.  I mean in my head I know this.  I know if I want to take him on a Disney Cruise or really anywhere, if I want to buy a house, I can't afford it.  My heart is having a hard time letting go.  Even knowing that if I were to get pregnant this fall he'd be almost 5 by the time baby 2 arrives, or if I wait another year, he'll be 6!  That seems like such a big gap. But for some reason I can't quite let it go.  I wonder if when he's 20, and I'm 55 and retiring, if I'll even be able to let it go then. Probably not.

School!

I was pretty sure of my decision to keep Jackson out of school for one more year, I hadn't been offered a subsidized daycare position in the school daycare and I can't afford the full price, so I knew I could wait a year, school would be full days and I'd only need to worry about before school care which I can afford.   Today I got a phone call from the school daycare, offering me that subsidized spot. Eek!  I asked for some time to think about it, and hung up. Immediately called my mom, of course.  And we talked it through. Then I had to call the school to register him, which of course is closed for the summer but I can register him at the school board. Then called the daycare he's at and talked to the director.  Finally, called and left messages with the subsidy person, hopefully there are no issues and the payments simply transfer over, but I have no idea how that part works and it is the last bit that is stressing me out.

So yeah, Jackson starts junior kindergarten in two weeks. Seriously.  I will have to worry about a snack for the classroom, lunch in the daycare, and what to get him, back to school shopping!  I wasn't expecting it so I have no budget for it.  This is going to be interesting to say the least!

I also signed  him up for indoor soccer and basketball, our weekends are going to be busy, I suspect he'll be a tired little boy for awhile. We'll be busy.  Such changes. I am probably going to change my hours at work a bit as well, and may either do an extra half hour a day so I can take a day off every 3 weeks, or just go home right after, walk the dog, then go pick up the kid.  We'll see on that front.  I'm sure the dog would vote for walking him. It will be strange to drive right back to this area at the end of the day, not have to stop half way, not have to deal with the extra traffic.  I hope it turns out ok.

I think the part that scares me most, is the lunches. I need to make sure he has healthy lunches now, that I put together, and that he will eat. He has had a variety of food at daycare, and he'll eat quite a bit there, now it's up to me to put things together!  I have been looking at a lot of sites and blogs with kid lunches for school, one thing we need to get are some containers that he can open. I normally use one brand but he can't get the lids off, so I'll need to get some different ones.

I am not sure my little boy is totally ready for school, but he probably will be by January, and I don't want to lose the spot in the daycare.  So. There you go! Off to school in two weeks.  Oh my.

Vacation

Jackson and I are just back from visiting my parents for a week.  It was really nice, he had a lot of fun. But he is happy to be home and never wants to go back. I am pretty sure it's just that he doesn't know how to express the emotions he's feeling, he loves my parents and playing at their house, he loves spending time with them, but he is sad to leave, and doesn't know how to deal with it. It is interesting to see him try and work through it, and try to help him sort it out. That it is ok to be upset that we came home, but also happy to be home in our own space.

We did a lot while we were down there, went shopping a couple times, had lunch at the mall, played in the backyard, went to the beach, and he spent one day without me. I went to Toronto to meet up with some ladies I met online, yes I know, and had a nice day. Jackson went fishing and of course my dad didn't take any pictures! Hopefully next time. I found Toronto to be big and busy, and smelly. I do not ever want to live there.

I also realized while down there that I had made a mistake in my budget, I took daycare out as of September and never put it back when I decided to keep him going for an extra year, so I had to fix that and it makes me sad. I've been spending and shopping like I have money when I don't. So now it's catching up to me, and it means I can't afford to try for another this fall/winter. And I don't think waiting another year is a good option. So I guess I'm done. Which is sad to me. I know it's my own fault, and wonder if I did it in part to avoid the question to begin with. I don't have a decision to make, it's been made by my own foolishness.  It's not really a bad thing, we are a happy little family and things are pretty comfortable.  Jackson is a good kid, we have our moments but I am learning how to deal with him.  Even bedtime is getting better.  We spend a few minutes talking over the day, and it helps him to settle down and go to sleep.

So we have two more days until it's back to the grind. We have gift certificates to go see a movie. I am thinking of taking him to his first movie!  It will either be a big hit or a disaster, I am hoping for a hit. I miss going to movies. And since this first one is free, if it's a disaster, well then it's ok.

The talker

When Jackson was about a year I was worried because he didn't talk very much.  I was showing him signs and he wouldn't do them. He always seemed to know what I was saying, just not want to talk himself.  Then he started.  And now he doesn't stop!  Honestly from when he wakes up until he falls asleep he is constantly talking, and eating.  It exhausts my parents when we visit, and me sometimes. But it's also pretty neat.

The latest thing is at bedtime he wants to chat, we talk about all kinds of things, once it was imagining our perfect house, tonight it was talking about our holidays that are coming up.  He always has one more thing to say.  If I leave before he's done I'll hear "mommy I have to tell you something!" over the monitor, and of course then have to listen to whatever he has to say. Sometimes he works out things that have happened, or things we watched.  When we watched Finding Nemo he kept asking why Nemo touched the boat, it was the part that he couldn't understand.

He is a pretty sensitive kid, he likes to try and make the other kids feel better if they are upset at daycare.  But on the other hand he also has quite the temper, and really doesn't like it when you call him on it.  He got mad at the dog and hit him on the head with a plastic hammer.  He got in trouble for it and I left him downstairs crying while I went up to find the dog and make sure he was ok.  A few nights later Jackson woke up crying because Riley was talking to him.  He said Riley told him "Jackson you hurt me!"  Ah so the guilt appeared.  It takes him awhile but he gets there.

And the eating.  My boy likes his food.  He starts eating as soon as I pick him up from daycare and doesn't stop until he falls asleep.  He takes a snack, or two, up to bed with him.  I only wish it wasn't so much carbs, crackers, cookies, granola bars, cereal.  He does love his beef jerky though, and I will be making more this weekend, it's hard to keep up!  I worry what he will be like when he hits his teens, will I be able to keep enough food around for him?  Who knows.  But I hope he keeps up with the few good habits mixed in there, he loves broccoli, fruits, carrots.  And protein. I am glad I have another year before he'll start school, so I can figure out what type of lunches to make for him, and how to pack them.

I am also working on his fine motor skills, he prefers to not have to do some things, anything really that takes control.  But he loves his Leappad, so he is using that for games and other things, using play doh, and anything else we can think of.  He doesn't really like to do art very much, no colouring or anything, but I do try to encourage it a bit.

All in all, I have to say I love that kid.  He is pretty great, and I enjoy the conversations we have. He likes to talk, and I like to listen to him. So that works out for us.

The Heat

It's gotten hot.  And I am not complaining about it really, but it's affecting Jackson a bit.  He was exhausted today and yesterday, I'm a little concerned he's coming down with something. Bad time of year to be sick.  I am very glad we have the central air this summer, I am not sure how we managed without it for so many summers.  It's funny that in the winter we long for summer but then the heat comes and we complain.  So I am not complaining, I am trying to enjoy it.  Of course sitting outside in a puddle of sweat is not really that much fun. So we try and do the outside stuff in early morning and after dinner.  Of course I'd rather just stay in, in general I'd rather stay in.  I am not so much of a social person I guess.  I don't mind that but I know it's harder for Jackson, so I do what I have to for him.

Last weekend we got together with a little friend of his from daycare, he's going off to school and his mom is determined to maintain connections for him, so there will be play dates in the future.  It was fun, but 4 hours at the park/splash pad was a little much for me.

We have new neighbours to move in soon, and the other side both houses are for sale, so I am hoping, really hoping, for a kid or two his age.  I do want him to have friends, and having playmates is important. As well as a small break for mommy.  I know that I need some small breaks, but still feel guilty.

Tonight he's gone to sleep early, he was asleep by 7:30 which is very unusual.  Yesterday he actually had a  nap!  He hasn't had a nap for me in months.  So he is either not feeling well or it's the heat.  I am hoping he stays asleep all night, and there are no early morning wake ups.

What next?

I'm feeling stuck.  Our lives have settled into a little routine, it's pretty boring and bland.  Now I'm not the type who likes too much excitement, but this is a little boring even for me.  We have the same routine every work day, and on the weekends. I try and get us out a bit more, we go to parties when invited, visit my parent's on the long weekends, stop by my sister's to play with her new puppy.  And of course spend too much time in stores, especially ones that sell toys.  But by nature I am an introvert, I prefer to spend time at home, relaxing. I know my son would prefer to be out at the parks, finding new friends to play with. I worry I am damaging him, or not giving him enough opportunities.

Normally when I feel like this I start dreaming, and planning. I plan to get a cat, or a dog, or have another baby.  Something.  And those thoughts are in me now.  The baby thing is tricky. I am fairly sure I am losing fertility quickly. I wanted to get another kitten, but money is an issue.  Or a dog,  but my current dog is being difficult and I'm considering giving him up to a rescue that will find him a new home.  What will happen?  I'm not entirely sure.

I know for sure I need to fix what I eat.  A lot of junk and processed stuff finds it's way into our home and meals.  That needs to change. As hard as it is.  I am not 100% sure how I will do that. But I am giving myself until the end of August to figure it out. At that time, if things are going well I will add in some supplements that may help improve my fertility. It gives me a bit of time to sort it out, and also to figure out if this is what I really want.

One thing I really need to work on is the toys. We have way too many and every time we leave the house he asks for more!  He tries anything he can think of to manipulate me into getting him more toys.  We don't have that kind of money but he doesn't get it. I am thinking an allowance will be what we need to do but how to start it and get him to understand it. What is a good amount to give? He's only 3 but the toys he wants are $20!  He used to be happy with the $1 car toys, now he wants the big ones. There are things we need to get, like a new bike for me, and a tow bar to connect his bike. I wanted to hire a dog trainer, but may not be able to do even that. Money sucks, and I've started him badly with it. Now I'm not sure how to fix it.

So health for me, finances for both of us. And in the end, we'll be better off for it. I hope to also get us out more, to do more. That may indeed be the hardest part of it all.

Messed up Cycles

Life is going pretty well for us.  The house is nice, and we are enjoying it.  The weather has really warmed up finally.  We finally have central air though and it is sure lovely.  We are still having some timing issues, with Jackson not wanting to sleep at bedtime, and daycare letting him nap too long.  It gets better, then worse again. Weekends are better, with no naps.  He loves his balance bike, and is so good at it now.  He should be on a regular bike by the end of the summer, my parents are getting him one soon. I am also going to get myself a better bike and a tow bar, so I'll be able to hook his up to mine and we can go off on longer rides. I hope. 

For me, I am struggling with my weight, as always, and in connection, my health.  Heartburn is back, and though my gallbladder has not flared up lately, knock wood, I don't feel entirely healthy. Slowly we are eating better, and with the kiddo's bike rides, I am getting some quick paced walks in.  I need to do more of course, since I want to heal myself.  I am also concerned, my monthly cycle is getting shorter, which I'm sure is not a good thing.  The past few months it has been 24 to 25 days, instead of the 28 it should be. I'll do some reading on that soon, thought I'm somewhat worried what the result means.

I've started doing some yoga, and hope to do some cardio and other things, short workouts. I do them after dinner, Jackson goes to play in the basement and I workout in the living room.  So far just a couple yoga workouts, it feels good to stretch. Jackson certainly doesn't like me taking the time from him, but he gets over it, and when I'm done he is happy to play again.

Why does it matter? I don't think I'm going to have a second child. Somedays I would love to, and other days, it seems stupid to consider it.  I have my hands full with one!  If I was going to do that I should have done it sooner. Now it seems too late, like I've missed the chance. Never mind the work, I'm not sure I can handle being pregnant again, giving birth, what to do about daycare, all of it.  Though I miss having a baby, miss that early stage that seems to fly by.  And I know it only lasts a little while, still is so amazing and fun though. 

Course there is also the lack of sleep thing, and with another child running around, who does not nap, well I can't see that being any fun at all.  In any case.  It seems to be irrelevant, I won't get the chance any way. I guess I just hate that I have no real choice.