Kittens and puppies

 I think I have always had a pet of some sort. As long as I can remember I have had a dog or a cat, usually a cat. At least one. I am more of a cat person but have also had dogs, currently have one and three cats. I sometimes think we have too many but then I actually want more. Just how I want more babies. It seems every time the urge to grow my family has hit I have gotten another pet. 

I have been watching an awful lot of Christmas romances, and romantic comedies. It is kind of funny because while I think the romance part is sweet, and of course so contrived, it is the ones with babies that make me happy. I watched a show where a 3 week old baby is left on a door step and oh my but my heart sang for that. I wonder if this will ever go away. I mean my body is done with it, at only 45 I am menopausal. Only 45? I don't feel like I am old. Though I do also feel like my body is old. I don't take very good care of myself I guess. My arm has been aching and my knees/hips often ache as well. I don't move enough, and certainly eat too much. Whether that is eating my feelings, boredom or what, who knows. 

Shortly after I had Jackson, I knew I wanted another one. But thought it shouldn't be done. A single mom having more babies? Who does that? Lots of mom's apparently. But I worried about money, and cost. Funny thing is it would have cost me a couple thousand, if that, to do an IUI or two or three. And now, here I am wanting it still, and knowing it will cost me much more. By the time I could afford it now, I'd probably be over the age limits for all the clinics. And what would my family say? Could I even still ask my sister to be a guardian when she is even older than I am? What would Jackson do? He's been an only child for a long time, and he likes all the attention. A baby would be hard, I'd be tired, they need a lot, they are expensive. But oh my heart aches. And I wish I had done something more at 41 when I went to the clinic. 

The thing is, if we hadn't done the trips we have gone on, I'd have had the money and more. Those trips were rather amazing though and we enjoyed them all so much. I want to do more! How could I do that with a baby? I'd not want to go on a cruise until that baby is 2 at least, and Disney would be hard. Jackson loves the coasters but babies can't go on them. It wouldn't be fair for him to have to be alone on them all. 

I considered adoption but that process is long and difficult, and I am just not sure I can do it. Or how Jackson would handle it. It could cost a lot less, even be free. As much as I didn't like being pregnant, or giving birth, I did love having a baby. Even though I have so many moments when I think I am terrible at being a mom, I know most mom's feel that way at times too. And honestly, Jackson is a lot but he is a good kid and doing so much better without the pressure and school stuff. 

So again, I'm cleaning up the house, getting rid of a lot of stuff and better organizing what remains. Also, trying to move more and eat better. I bought so many veggies and fruits. I can't decide between keto which I know works and makes me feel so good but is so hard to stick to, and weight watchers, which allows me to eat whatever I want but I hardly lose anything on, and is so easy to cheat with. As winter is descending on us, cooler weather rolling in, winter parking bans possible, and just wanting to not be a complete sloth, I have to pick one. And stop ordering so many meals. As yummy as they are. 

I have a hard time falling asleep. I wonder sometimes if my routine of sitting with kiddo while he fell asleep had an impact on my own sleep. I toss and turn for an hour or more every night, even when I stay up late to try and be more tired. Is that the menopause? Probably not entirely. Though I blame that for the fact I am hot at night so much. Maybe if I exercise more? Do yoga? Something? I had a month or two over summer where I was doing so well, and then it fell apart. Maybe that would help my sleep? 

Now, I just have to avoid getting another kitten. And stick to my plans. For once.  

Hot Summer

We are officially on vacation! For 4 weeks together. I had a few days off before he was done day care for the summer. He doesn't know that though. I was supposed to clean the house, reorganize furniture, do a bunch of stuff. But I didn't do any of it. I did watch some Netflix, catch up on some TV, and spend time wondering what to do. We don't really have any plans this year. No big trips, no Disney. We aren't even going to spend a week at my parent's because they live so close now.

Which has turned out to be a good thing. My dad is suddenly on a few medications and going for a bunch of tests. He has water on his lungs, heart arrhythmia, and went in to the hospital for tests because of his heart burn. Which they still haven't done anything about. My mom is all freaked out, she seems to think he's dying and she was supposed to die first... so it's been fun. My sister is upset because my mom is. And I, somehow, am the one calming them all down. My dad doesn't seem overly worried, he's on some pills which is surprising, he has always been active. Up until a couple years ago he was doing marathons. Until they moved he was walking 5 miles a day at least 5 times a week. He is in great shape, no high blood pressure, doesn't smoke or drink except an occasional glass of wine. He eats fairly well and isn't over weight, or at least not by much if he is at all. So who knows what is going on. I think he had walking pneumonia or something and it's affecting his lungs and heart. I think he also has sleep apnea, but hasn't been tested for it. I hope he will end up going for a sleep study. He has a CT scan with barium on Tuesday, and then we'll have more information.

It is odd that I am the calmest about it all. Being practical I guess. I have some worry but not a lot. Not sure why? I guess we'll see how things go next week. Monday we are going to help move stuff to the basement. It's finally finished so they can move the boxes from the garage, and some furniture, down to the basement. Jackson will just be entertaining I'm sure. My brother in law and nieces will be there as well. I guess it's good they are so close now, it's much easier to help.

There is a heat warning today. I wish we could get out but it's far too hot out there. Hopefully it will clear up evening so I can walk the dog. Or he'll just have to run around the house. I'd love to go get some ice cream, but I shouldn't. It's really good though, and it's so hot out. But I am trying to be good. And will need to be sticking to my diet plan sooner than later. Plus it costs money, which I should be saving. Donor egg IVF is rather pricey. 

I think I am settled on a plan of action. I have a plan for my health, a plan for finances, and am hoping to go to my doctor in September before I go back to work, so I can get a new referral, and also one to a psychologist so that will be covered by my work insurance. I think I could contact the EAP and they would likely give me some sort of consult free, but I'd like to be able to see someone who knows stuff about fertility. I'll need to do that before moving forward with donor eggs, etc any way.

I would like to go south this winter, but I can't because of zika, and financially it wouldn't make sense to do so. I need to save everything I have if I want to move forward. Plus I'm reluctant to go to an all inclusive. I've been researching them and it doesn't seem like it would be best for us. We do love to cruise, and go to Disney. My problem is the uncertainty in the US right now. Makes me reluctant to go there. Though I'm considering it for treatment. Oh well. I can't figure out where to go any way. Perhaps if I am successful we'll be travelling as 3 people at some point. But not likely until baby to be is 2 or 3. So in 4 years? Ugh. But that's ok.

I can do this. Somehow. I will figure it out. Somehow. Not sure why I am bothering with things to improve my egg quality when I know I'll need donor eggs. Doesn't make much sense. But I'll keep it up for now. Prenatal, CoQ10, Vitamin D, fish oils, vitamin C, magnesium and a B complex. Most of those are a good idea any way I think? And I'll add whatever is needed as I am closer to moving forward, I think there are a few things good to help with implantation.

So for now, we are on vacation. When school starts again in the fall the plan is for Jackson to be able to be an after school walker. It will save some daycare, give him some freedom, and should work out. I would be home 10 minutes or so after him most days. I will have to get a home phone, and work out something for the door so he doesn't need to carry a key. A smart lock with keypad would work. The home phone I'll sign up for next week, along with new internet, save a bit of money there too. I'd love to get rid of TV as well but there are still some shows I like to watch. For now the $50 or so I pay for that part is ok. If I can get the internet plus home phone for less than I currently pay for internet, well that sounds great to me. Then I need to get a lock and key pad, and we'll be all set. Well except for pants, shirts, shoes, snow suit, gloves, hats, boots, ugh!

Silly Kid

Jackson played on his Xbox almost all weekend. Way too many hours, but it was SO hot out I couldn't really blame him for it. Some of his friends were playing as well so he was talking to them over his headset. My dad got it for him, though the one he ordered is going back and has been replaced with one that connects properly. He is playing a free online game, but you can pay to buy things for it. Things that don't really help with playing the game, just "look cool". I have a hard enough time paying the fees to play the game monthly, I don't want to spend the money on something that frivolous! Especially when I need to save every bit if I intend to move forward with donor eggs, or even IVF.

We were talking about the new stuff at Disney that opened this weekend, and how long the waits are. I told him maybe we'd be able to go next year if I don't have another baby. He mumbled something about having a baby. I asked him what he said. He then told me doesn't want a baby brother or sister, who we should call Sam because it could be a boy or girl name. I asked why, just so he could go to Disney again? He said that didn't matter, but if we have Sam then we will have to buy more food, and then he won't be able to keep playing Xbox. I asked if that was all, he said there were other reasons. He told me that a baby would mean the house would be messier, he would have to share the Xbox. It was kind of funny. Nothing about having to share me, or not be able to go on trips, just concern that the baby would mean less "stuff" for him.

I do know my kid is spoiled, he basically gets everything he wants. We are working on that. I am working on my budget, and setting money aside for me as well. I tend to not get new things for myself until I have to. I am much more particular about what I will spend the money on now as well. I can't control what my parents buy the boy, but I can make suggestions.

I am still considering what to do about number 2, but I still wish I could use my own eggs and just do an IUI or two, much cheaper. But of course a much lower success rate. I think IUI and IVF would probably be about the same success rate now, of course using donor eggs puts that up significantly.

For now, I am trying to lose some more weight, and save some money. I will be cleaning the house up as well. Though I am reluctant to get rid of all the toys, perhaps we can sort them out and select the "best" to keep. I also want to take some supplements for egg health, and I guess I'll need another appointment with the fertility clinic. I do wish it wasn't such a process to get in, or perhaps not such a long wait. When I make the decision I would like to be able to do something about it then and not wait 3 months, during which time I am more likely to change my mind. I guess changing my mind is not the best? I know I will have to talk to a psychologist before I move forward, perhaps that will help.

Donor Eggs?

I haven't really let go of the idea of expanding my family. I am not at an age where I think doing IVF will be effective. And it would be expensive. So my options are limited. I have been looking at donor egg programs. To do so here in Canada would be very expensive with the eggs coming from the USA. I believe it would be about $30K for one attempt. I know there is a program in the US nearby where I could have a guaranteed baby through a donor egg program, and it would cost me about $50K (though I am not sure if that includes everything, and if it is in USD or CAD, which makes a big difference). I have also been looking into programs in Greece and Mexico. Both countries seem to have robust programs, at a significantly lower cost, but of course there is significant travel involved. There is a program in Syracuse, which is only about 3 hours away, so that is also an option I will explore.

In any case, any of these options will mean no trips for a bit, well unless I go to Mexico I guess! And they all require me to save a bit more than I have been. But I think I can do that, if it's $10K or something along those lines, that is doable. Even if it means no trips for awhile.

My parents have moved closer, they are about an hour away now. And we've been to visit twice already. Their new house is quite nice, and just about a perfect size. It is nice that we can go visit for lunch, or a few hours. Hopefully Jackson will still be able to go there for an occasional sleep over. Once everything is settled. They are still having some work done in the basement.

I am not sure what I will do, whether I will move forward or not. I am focusing on some weight loss, saving money, and cleaning/decluttering the house to make room for another member if I decide to move ahead with that. I have considered adoption as well, but it honestly seems like more work! I guess we'll see what happens. It's nice that I could do 18 months of mat leave, and that the daycare in Jackson's school has a new toddler and preschool program, it starts at 18 months.

Regrets

I try to live my life with no regrets. I don't like to dwell in the past, or feel like a choice I've made was a mistake. I like to believe that I am who I am, where I am, and I like myself, because of all those choices I've made. I may not be where I thought I would be at this age but I think I'm doing well.

Right now I am trying to not regret my choice to not move forward with having another child. It is proving difficult. I'm not sure why. I know it's best for me, for Jackson. But I always wanted to have more than one kid, three in fact, and now here I am at 42, almost 43, and it's too late. I never followed through last year, I would need to start over, new referral, wait 3 months to get seen, wait 3 more months to even try. My odds were 5% at 41, now what? Maybe 2%? what would be the point? And I will be too old for the covered IVF. I don't want to afford that. I could, I'm sure, work it out, but I don't want to. Never mind my cycles have been very irregular lately.

Canada is changing the mat leave rules, I'd be able to take 18 months off. It would be the same amount of pay as over the 12 months currently, but my employer tops up 12 months to 93% of my current salary. My son's school/daycare is going to be offering a toddler program starting soon, that starts at 18 months. Of course he's already in grade 3, so getting to a baby and that baby 18 months it might only be one year of overlap in the same place.

And I have about 14 years until I can probably retire, new baby would be 12 or 13 then? That would be difficult. I don't want to have to work an extra 10 years! I want to retire, buy a mobile home and drive south every winter! I know Jackson would have a hard time sharing me with a sibling, he has already said he wouldn't like it because he wants to be the baby. But of course today he wanted to be a big boy and walk to the park by himself, because it snowed and I didn't want to go out. We ended up at the park, after some yelling on my part. I wonder if my temper can handle another strong willed child.

So here I am, filled with regret over not trying for a second child when Jackson was 2, or 3 or 4... or even last year. Trying to get over it, with great difficulty.

A day off, without kid

Today is one of the rare times I am off work but school is still on. It's usually on November 11th for Remembrance Day but because that was on Saturday I have today instead. Normally I would attend the ceremonies at school, losing the morning to that. But they happened last Friday instead so I have the whole day to myself. I had planned to go see a movie but I think I'm going to stay home and watch some Netflix. I do have to fix my roots. After I bleached my hair blond, it is starting to grown back in so I picked up the supplies to fix it up. Hopefully it works out! I gave myself a hair cut on the weekend too. I googled how to do it, watched some videos and started cutting! I felt very brave, and I think it turned out really well. Though I did cut off more than I had planned.

It is strange to have the time to myself. I don't usually get this. And with no work to rush off to. Even in the summer when kiddo goes to my parent's place I have to go to work. I wish I had more days like this sometimes. But I also know that I am lucky to get so much time with my kid.

We were talking yesterday about having more people in our family. He said he would like to have a brother or sister, ideally older (of course lol). I was looking at adoption sites, he wanted to know what that was about, I explained, he said he wouldn't like that because they wouldn't really be part of the family. I explained more and then he was only concerned that the other child wouldn't look like him. We talked about the whole thing, he was snuggled beside me while watching TV and he said it wouldn't be good because there would be another child to share that with.

I am certain we will only remain a two person household. I am 42 now, and feel my age. We like to travel, it is easier to do with just us. With just us, I can be looking for a two bedroom place when I am able to buy. However that is perhaps still possible with another child. Money is tight, paying for daycare is a trial, even though he is only in before/after care and full time during certain breaks, it is going up. How would I possibly do that with another?

It is hard sometimes. I read about other women who have let go of their dream to meet someone and get married before having kids. I feel like I am letting go of my dream to have more kids. I know what's best for us, but it's still hard really. I wish I had done something sooner, I wish I had done it right away when he was two, I wish I had planned better, saved more, spent less. I wish a lot of things. But I don't regret my choices. I certainly don't regret the fun travel we've done. Our time on those trips is something he will remember forever (I hope).

So now here I am at home, binge watching TV, dreaming of having another baby, or going on way too many trips. I am certain of one thing, my life is not how I imagined it would be while I was growing up. Better or worse than the dream, I couldn't really say.

Nothing much to say

Since my appointment a month ago I have been taking my synthroid, which doesn't seem to be doing anything, and charting. My body decided it wasn't going to ovulate last month which also meant I haven't had a day 3 yet. So I'm still waiting! I will go get my TSH rechecked today as it has been a month on the medication, and I only have 10 pills left so need it checked to see if the dose needs to change (hoping they up it!).  Otherwise I have just been waiting. I do find it somewhat ironic that I finally decide to move forward and my body decides to skip a month. Is it a sign of things to come?


I think my day 3 should be around Nov 7th now, give or take. Which means I'm out for November since there is no way to get the blood work back in time for that month. And since December is kind of "shut down" month I guess I am out then too! I now have to continue waiting. But it does give me a chance to save some money back up.


I had some saved for this but then my cat got sick. And rushed to the vet for xrays, blood work, and then 2 types of medicine plus a laxative and special food. This my youngest kitten, the one my son loves the most. I think if it had been ones of the others I might have waiting longer to see what would happen. In any case, it was crazy expensive and now I'm stuck saving again! But, my union finalized our contracts so we have 150 days to get the raise and back pay, plus we should get the silly $700 signing bonus by the end of the year, hopefully in time for Christmas shopping. And the extra pay out we'll know the numbers and details by end of January, with decision needing to be made on that by the end of April (I think?). I already know what I'll be doing with my payout. We have the choice of taking it now or waiting until we retire/leave the job. I'll be taking it and putting it directly into my retirement savings, avoiding having it taxed, and then able to use it for the down payment on a house.


Of course Canada has come up with some new rules for buying a house and I think it limits my mortgage amount, though I also think it's probably still in line with what I was hoping to spend any way so it shouldn't be too bad. I am still torn over the "new vs old" and "change school?" questions, but have some time any way. End of July I guess is when I will be able to move forward. We'll see at that point what is on the market, where it is, and how my journey to baby 2 is progressing, or if it's a lost cause, or what.


Jackson is still doing well in grade 2. He's a smart kid. They split his split 2/3 class into a grade 2 and a grade 3 class, so that is good. He has been forgetting a lot of stuff at school though, and has already managed to lose a coat, one mitten and a few lunch items. The coat bothers me, since it was only worn maybe 4 times. The weather today has turned cold and we had some snow, so hopefully he will keep his coat on when he's outside from now on.


His swimming is going well too. He was jumping into the deep diving pool last week, and enjoying it. I hope he continues to do well, I want him to be able to swim the length of the pool, then he can choose to stop lessons, or go into diving or whatever he wants to do. I am not sure if I will put him in January lessons though, the weather is so cold and I find it hard to get him dry enough to avoid ear infections and other illnesses. We'll see how he's doing and his interest level though.

First Appointment

Well. The doctor seemed nice. He told me at 41 my chances with IUI are about 5%. If I do IVF it goes to 15-20%.  But because I have a child, and have been pregnant before he thinks my odds are not too bad. Now the fun tests start. I have to get blood work done on day 21, which is next week. Then on Day 1 I call and have to schedule two ultrasounds, one to check my insides and the other the HSG. I also then need day 3 blood work, and they will recheck my thyroid. Apparently I also need STD testing, which kind of makes me laugh, I mean it's been like 7 years, or more? something like that any way! Oh well. And a urine test because he didn't do swabs to check for a couple things. Then I have to speak to a psychologist before I can use donor sperm. I sent a message to my insurance to see if that is at all covered. Fingers crossed!

I am also now on synthroid, which the pharmacist seemed to think would make me not tired, lose weight... yeah I'll believe it when it happens! I am supposed to take it separate from Calcium, Magnesium, Iron, which sucks since I take those at breakfast and dinner now... so I'll need to rejuggle those supplements. And I do hope they help.

Luckily the clinic is really close to work, so going at lunch for blood work will not be an issue. The ultrasounds will be a little tricky, but I'll manage. I think the HSG I will take the day off for, or at least half the day if I can. I've heard it's ok but also that it really sucks, so going based on it will suck, I'll take the day off, take advil, and cross my fingers.

When I asked about how long this all takes he said a month. Wow. I know it'll be about 3 weeks to get all the tests done, I doubt I will catch the October cycle, but November? Hmm. Crazy. Once I got to see the doctor, things seem to be moving.

Oh, he also expressed concern because of my hernia, which is where they would deal with an ectopic, if that should happen. I am not too worried about that, though I have read there is a higher chance of those when over 40, but he seemed to think it was only 1 or 2% so not a big deal.

It was kind of funny him talking about things in such simple terms, given the reading and research I've done. I may be new to the office but I'm not new to the terminology and details.

Now I have some next steps. And really need to let go of one more trip, which makes me a little sad. I know I will be able to take both kids in time, but I had hoped for one more with just Jackson. I know I could do Disney, but if I am pregnant at that time, it would be silly since I can't do a lot of the rides.

Any way! Everything is on track, I will start the thyroid meds in the morning I guess. I'd do one today and then tomorrow morning but I don't want to mess things up. I'll need to go for so many blood tests, Ugh. And all the rest. At least I've already had a look at the sperm bank catalogues and narrowed down my choices, as long as they are available when I need them I have a couple choices. That part seemed easy. I guess I'm not putting as much thought into it as I could?

September already!

I can't believe August is already over. Time just seems to fly by. I'm not sure what we did all month. I know there were some parks, way too much shopping, a quick trip to my parent's, and a few daycare days. School starts on Tuesday, but I don't go back to work until Monday the 12th. I have some time off while kiddo is in school. I do have an appointment with the nurse practitioner for my women's check up (and hopefully a tetanus shot which apparently I need), and I have to go get a follow up TSH test for my thyroid. Tomorrow kiddo goes for the last day of summer daycare. He has moved up to group C, from group D. Even though he is the youngest in the grade they moved him up because it meant so much to him. I hope it goes well. He doesn't want to go but I feel it's important to get back into "school" mode a bit. Tuesday I will take him to school to see who his teacher is, and then he'll go to daycare after and I'll pick him up from there. Last year he was sick the first day, looking back now I think it was nerves. He won't be doing that this year.

I switched his bed to the bigger double from the twin he had. The first night was rough but he likes it now. I had to get some new sheets for the bed, and would still like another fitted just in case, we have a bunch of top sheets for it for some reason. He sleeps right in the middle of the bed. I like it for bedtime, since I sit in his room for what seems like forever while he settles down. And of course it is much more comfortable for story time. I was worried it would take up too much space but it fits well. The twin is in the guest room now, and there is actually room in there for a crib to go with it, should that be needed.

His fish is doing well. I had to really clean the little tank after our trip to my parent's. I put in a weekend feeder which was way too much for the little guy. I don't think he really ate any of. I would like to get a timed feeder for him, there is one on amazon I will look at getting. Of course now (as I tend to get obsessed with ideas) I'd like to get him a big proper 5 gallon tank with filter, heater, and all that. But I will hold off. I'd like to wait until we buy a house but who knows when that will be!

Speaking of homes, we have looked at quite a few model homes. One set was really nice. We looked at the big homes we can't afford. But even the basic townhome had a model we really liked. Jackson's room would have a cheater door to the bathroom, which he loves, and I could get the laundry upstairs, as well as a really nice master en suite and fancy kitchen. The best thing is the basic finishes are the granite I love (undermount sink!!) and hardwood on the main. I really like the homes, and the builder seems to do a great job, with nice finishes. But of course it's at the top of the budget, and in an area of town where I lived as a kid but haven't been to as an adult. It would be a further commute, not sure about the schools but that would likely work out ok. As I sit here watching tiny homes on HGTV. Yeah. I'd love one ha ha. But I know it won't happen until I'm retired I'm sure. Then who knows.

Jackson finished his swimming lessons, passing with flying colours, and moving on to level 3 starting mid-September. It will be interesting to have lessons once a week. But at the end of level 2 there were doing almost all the swimming required for level 3 so I am thinking he will pass. We shall see I guess! There are 13 lessons, it will be every Sunday morning. I am hoping he'll go for a haircut before lessons get too far so his hair is easier to deal with after the lessons, coming home with wet hair in cold weather is not a good idea.  I am so proud of him for being able to swim so well already though. A month ago he couldn't swim at all. Now he can do 10+ meters on his front, and at least that on his back and side as well! Crazy.

He also learned to ride his big boy bike with no training wheels. That was fun. Not really. His bike broke basically, the chain fell off, his training wheels fell off. I bought him a new one, the old one was bought used for $20. Any way. The new one, I couldn't get the training wheels on so I told him he'd better figure it out. We went out and he did it. For a few meters any way, then he got wobbly and wouldn't try any more. I kind of fixed the older bike and he took that for the last bike day, but the training wheels really broke, didn't just fall off but fell apart. Tonight I took them off and off he went. He can ride! Then the bike broke, the wheel got all stuck and weird, so tomorrow I put the bell on the newer bike, and he'll be riding that from now on. Phew. What an adventure. He should have been able to do it before but he is quite cautious.

I really want to plan another trip. But I can't. With Zika, and buying a house, we just can't afford it, and I can't afford to get that virus if I do manage to get going on baby 2. Which I keep wondering about. I think I am worried it won't be possible and am bracing myself for that. I also worry it will take forever, and I will waste money on trying. I wonder if I will have to take time to get my thyroid working properly, and hopefully lose weight with that, and then there is testing, blood work, who knows what else. And of course I'm 41 already. Why oh why did I wait. Well I know why. I knew I wanted another baby when Jackson was under 1, but of course knew I had to wait and "pay back" at work so was waiting for that. Then it just seemed expensive. Then I had my gallbladder issues and before you know it I was turning 40 and thought that was it, impossible after that. I thought I was ok with it, that I could let it go. But I can't really. Not without at least trying, or finding out if I am too old, and my eggs are all gone.

Vindication and Frustration

I got a message from my doctor (or actually his replacement as he is on paternity leave until the end of the year). Apparently all my blood work yesterday is ok, except my thyroid. I was very happy to see I am not diabetic (always a concern with my family history). I was not too surprised by the thyroid results, since I noticed my BBT results the past month are below 97F and apparently that is a sign of low thryoid. The funny things is I went back over my old charts, going back to 2011 when I started, and it has always been that low. So for at least 5 years I have had a low thyroid. I should have had it checked sooner. I always just thought I'm fat and tired and that's the way it is. Even when I have tried to lose weight, it is a real struggle. And now I know why!

My doctor is recommending I get my level rechecked in a month, so I will do that before I go back to work. He also said I could leave it for the fertility clinic to manage. Which is fine as I'll have all my tests and things done by then. I think this could affect my fertility so I do want to get it taken care of.

I am a little frustrated with the place that took my blood though. They gave me this PIN so I could get to check my results, and of course it doesn't work. So I called the tech support number and the guy on the phone was less than helpful. He said he would "send it to IT" which always means it won't be fixed to me. So I will give it a bit of time, and then pay $5 to get them from the doctor's office. Frustration! Annoying. I'd like to see the results just to be able to compare and see where I am borderline on things. My relief is currently outweighing the frustration though. For now.

In terms of my plans, given the thyroid results I will be adding selenium sooner than I had planned, I was going to take it only when I was actively trying as it is supposed to help with implantation. I have read that it can help with a "sluggish" thyroid though so I will start it now. I am also going to try and give up eggs and dairy, possibly gluten as well. I'll start with 30 days, see if I can do it and how I feel afterwards. I do recognize that I may need to be on some medication but I will hear about that in 6 weeks or so.

Jackson is at daycare for a few hours today, which is a nice break for me. I got the grocery shopping done with no "help". I was pretty good at sticking to my list, and restocking a few things we ran out of. I'll go get him in another hour or so. He wanted to go play volleyball. He has been watching the olympics with me, and is quite into a few of the sports. So far I think he likes swimming best. Which is fun. Canada won a gold last night, when I told him the morning his only comment was "why don't the men win!" So I told him they were waiting for him to be ready to swim. He got a funny look on his face, so cute. I wonder if he will want to keep going with swimming since he's enjoying it so much right now. I have told him he has to decide what he wants to do in the fall, swimming, gymnastics, basketball or nothing. He needs to decide soon though, Sign up starts this week.

Vacation week 2

One week of vacation is done and we are on to week 2. So far we've had more good times than bad but still have some moments when we both lose our tempers, and I should know better. I have been trying to keep calm, make things more playful. Sometimes it works, but I know I need to be in a good frame of mind to begin with, if I am tired and it's hot and losing it already, I have a hard time switching to that playful mood. Getting better though, I think any way!

He's been doing swimming lessons, 5 down, 4 to go. And he seems to be getting it! Crazy. He did one level in the preschool levels so many times. Now he's in swim kids and voila, he can swim! I elected to put him in the regular class, there are 6 kids in there. 4 boys and 2 girls. He is the youngest boy, but is holding his own and I think it helps that there are 3 other boys who are doing really well too. The two girls, well I'll be surprised if they pass to be honest. We went swimming yesterday as well and he practiced a bit and then also jumped in with a life jacket on. I still feel like I have water up my nose. But I survived. I cross my fingers he passes. We will decide whether he wants to do another set of lessons once we know that. If he doesn't I think we'll try some extra practices just us. See if it helps or not.

Yesterday we got a fish. A betta. And a tank and all that stuff. Jackson loves it. It's in his room and he's so happy to have a pet in there that won't attack his toes. We thought it was dead yesterday because it was hiding right beside a plant and not swimming around. But apparently that's what they do actually. I ordered one more plant and think we need another lower one for him too. He's very pretty, and hopefully he lives awhile! No name other than Purple Boy at this point. I'll suggest a few tomorrow and see if he goes for any. I'm still not sure why I said ok lets get a fish then. I was thinking a gold fish or something, but this guy seems easier actually. And he can't have any friends, so no asking for more fish any time soon! Honestly, I'd love a big salt water tank, but the work, the cost, the work... too much! This little guy will do. He is a bit scared of us right now but I am sure he'll figure out we're the food bringers and be happy to see us soon enough.

The plan this week is two days of daycare, Thursday and Friday. But he may go on  Wednesday as well. He misses playing with his friends since I don't play right. What can I say? I don't follow orders so well when playing. We do play games, and with some toys. We have also been doing that pokeman go thing, for fun. We don't really know what we are doing but he likes to catch them so we go for walks and try to find them. The first time we went out it was so hot. Two hours of walking, with a stop at the park to play. Ugh. I've been getting lost of steps in though, we don't walk that fast but we get the steps in and I think it counts for something!  I have not been doing the yoga I wanted to do, I'm so tired! I haven't been getting 8 hours of sleep. See I should be in bed already! But I'm not. I just want some "me" time after he's in bed, which is happening by 9, which is so late for me on a good day, so then I stay up until 11 and feel like crap getting up at 7.

I've been taking a prenatal, and added magnesium as well. It helps me sleep (also keeps me regular ha ha) and I've read it's good for pregnancy stuff. I realized I have many books on fertility and have been reading them all. Also have two more from the library on the way. I still haven't gotten a call for my appointment! I wish they'd call so this can get rolling. Shouldn't have waited so long.  I feel like I'm taking a lot of pills, and yet I'm sure there are more I could be taking. Prenatal, CoQ10, Omega 3s, vitamin C, B100 complex, probiotic, Ca/Mg/Zn combo and if we don't get out in the sun I take vitamin D as well. Oh, and now the magnesium too. I've been taking my BBT every morning at the same time, fitbit alarm helps with that. My normal temperature is low, like below 97F, and I think that is a sign of something not right. I have blood work to get done this week so perhaps it will shed some light. I suspect my thyroid is low or something. It's not like there is a reason to be really cold when it's so hot outside. And I am not sleeping with my mouth open. I did get an ovulation cross bar on my chart which was nice to see. Hopefully I am still ovulating!

I'm also feeling a bit sad. I won't be able to go on a trip this winter. Not if I'm actively trying or soon to be. With Zika buzzing around the places I'd be wanting to visit it just doesn't make sense to risk it. I will have to wait, and then travel with a baby and kiddo. I know it's possible, and I can do it. Certainly I'm not worried about travelling with Jackson any more. He knows what to do and gets it. Baby would add in a new dynamic, but I suspect we could manage something. Travel is on hold, but also held in my dreams. I do love cruises.

I think I will go to bed now. I may actually be able to fall asleep!  And hopefully stay that way all night long... fitbit is also good for tracking that, all the wake ups and tossing and turning I do. Could be worse, but at least 20 minutes a night of it. Most nights more. Oh well! Off to dreamland for me.

Ah vacation!

Today was my last day at work for 6 weeks. I am so happy to be getting a break. Jackson is also excited. I hope he sleeps in tomorrow but I know he will at some point soon, it usually takes him a few days to relax into it. He's allowed to stay up a bit later as well, for now. I will have to take him to daycare a few days. I have an ultrasound for my possible hernia, and need to get blood work done. I am also hoping to get an appointment at the fertility clinic, but apparently that may not happen any time soon. I will call them next week to make sure they got the referral.

I have told Jackson that I may need to tell him I need a time out somedays, that I like to spend time alone (on my computer according to him...) so I will need some of that when we are on vacation together in order to be a good mommy. I think he understood, and I hope I can recognize when I need that time before I blow up, rather than when I've reached the end of my rope.

I will be trying to avoid too much time on the computer and technology. I'd like him to avoid too much TV as well. We'll see how well that goes! I know the first couple days will be much like a regular weekend. It will take us a few days to relax, it always does! I do hope I can remember to allow myself to enjoy the moments. I think that the length of time off will help me with that.

My plans are fairly simple, get enough sleep, eat more vegetables, be more active. We are not going anywhere, except possibly to my parent's at the end of the vacation. We will hang out at home some, go for a few nature walks, check out the local splash pads, and just generally try to have fun.

I've really enjoyed work the past few weeks. I have been working directly for my director as his executive assistant. I think if it was a different person it would not have been as good but he is very honest, open and allowed me some free reign with what needed to be done. I like being in the know, and seeing all the parts that come together instead of just one little bit of it. I have been told I'm "in training" to be a manager. Which is nice I suppose. There is a language component I am missing, but the opportunity for language training if I can show I am ready to be in that type of position. The problem I have is I am not sure I want it.

When I got my last promotion I wanted it. I knew I could do it, and I knew I could do as well as those who had that type of position before me. I am good at it too. I enjoy it. I am not sure I would like the added responsibilities of being in charge of other people. I mean I love power of course :-) but I don't think I want the job of staying late, working from home, being tied to a blackberry, doing extra work and dealing with people who annoy me. I'm just not that type of person. Ultimately, I think I would choose my family, another child, over the extra money and work. I mean of course extra money would be nice, but not worth my happiness, my child's happiness.

Waiting plans

I messaged the ladies in my local SMC group about how long it take to get in to the fertility clinic, and apparently it can be 6 weeks. Or more. I really should have started this sooner! In any case, I can't "sit still" while I wait so I have a bit of a plan. Since I will be on holidays in one week (oh I can't wait!) I only have one more normal week before I can relax a bit. I've been good about my vitamins, and I will be eating more vegetables starting now, but my other plans will wait for vacation.

My first goal for my 6 weeks off work are to get an average of 8 hours of sleep a night. I use a fitbit and it tracks my sleep so this should be easy to tell. I hope to be in bed by 10 most nights and will get up at 6:30 (or 7) in order to do a 20 to 30 minute workout (second goal!).  Goal three is to get 10K steps a day at least 5 days a week on vacation, though since we may go for bike rides and the fitbit can't count those as steps it may not work out quite that way. And fourth goal, I will be giving up coffee. Gulp. Except that I may have an occasional iced coffee because they are so yummy!! I hope to give up the tea I normally use to replace the coffee, and drink herbal teas instead.

My hope is that in 6 weeks I can lose 10+ pounds. I will be doing a 30 day yoga boot camp, it's online so I should be able to stream it to the tv and hopefully it starts out easy enough to keep me going. I think the yoga, better sleep, no coffee and more vegetables will allow me to feel rested and healthier. I sometimes get very tired, and yet wired. I can't sleep well even when I'm exhausted. I read things about adrenal fatigue, which could be completely made up, but which makes me feel like I could do something about this.

All this should let me help my body, get good test results, and be in a good mental space to move forward. I hope this will also build some momentum to allow me to continue when work starts up again in September. Though in order to keep the 8 hours of sleep, I will have to go bed much earlier since I have to get up so much earlier.

I hope we don't take too long to get a good rhythm going in the summer, with swimming lessons the first two weeks, and our only real plans to hit up as many splash pads as possible. Lots of time at parks, going for walks, bike rides, and of course playing in the nice air conditioned comfort of home. We will probably head to my parent's place for at least a few days before the summer ends and school starts up again.

For my last week of work I need to take my lunch daily. I had bought some really nice salad dressing at a local store but for some reason between buying it and getting home I lost it! I'm so sad because it wasn't cheap and I won't go buy another bottle any time soon. I have my good old stand by but I was looking forward to this stuff. Oh well, perhaps it'll turn up somewhere. Or I'll let it go.

Nerves

I had booked an appointment with my family doctor for next Monday after work, to ask for the referral to the local fertility clinic. They called this morning to say that the doctor won't be in the office Monday so I have to move the appointment! I asked about today, and ended up going at lunch time. The asking for the referral was quick and easy, he said "I see you want to discuss your fertility, are you trying to get pregnant?" To which I replied "well I'm single so I kind of need that referral before I can try". Ok then. No problem! Now to wait and see how long it takes to get seen. I am hoping not too long as my period is about to start, and if I want to catch the next one for the Day 3 blood work it can't take that long to get in, right?? 


My doctor also asked if there was anything else, then went over all the stuff I said I'd do 3 years ago but didn't :-) like a pap test, and blood work, and a tetanus shot... so now I have to get all that done soon as well. I also asked about what I think is a hernia from my gallbladder removal, and he got me a requisition for an ultrasound. I booked that appointment already, and will do the rest when I get home. Well, the pap and tetanus any way. Blood work I just need to go in fasting, which I will do one day in August that kiddo goes to daycare. Since it's just "regular" blood work it will be testing for all the usual stuff like cholesterol and blood sugars, I am sure cholesterol will be high, and am praying the blood sugars are fine. I am considering doing low carb for a few weeks in preparation... but we'll see if I manage that! I know I need to take better care of myself in general, and am trying to do that, in small steps.


I was a little sad to see my weight, yet another good reason to do the low carb thing, but excited to hear the nurse say I'm half an inch taller than I thought. I suspect she was rounding?  Not sure! Any way. I know the fertility clinic will want me to try and lose weight, I am in the obese category. So I will be continuing to work on that. I know what to do, doing it is the hard part! I am going to get some extra vegetables on my way home from work today, and start with that. I know I need to give up coffee, but am planning to do that when I start my holidays, so one more week of the good stuff then I'll drop it, and switch to herbal teas and such.


I've been taking my CoQ10, and vitamins, just realized the vitamin I bought thinking it was a prenatal is not, so once it's gone I'll need a better one. I am taking another calcium/magnesium/zinc so that is covered, and a B-complex, so I am getting folic acid, but am sure I'm not getting enough iron and probably other things. I'll fix that once this bottle is gone, should only be a couple weeks. I suppose I could check the expiry date and if it's long enough I could put those away and get some prenatals for now, use the regular ones up later. I am debating adding in Maca, which I have sitting on a shelf and have used in protein shakes for breakfast, but I don't really like the taste of it. I also would like to add myo-inositol, but it's expensive! So that one has to wait for pay day. I think that covers everything though, for now any way!


Jackson has been doing well at daycare, he seems to be enjoying it more. And I am attempting to maintain my calm when he's tired and cranky. Just to remember that he is a kid. It is interesting, and I think I am doing well at times, then other times I feel like I've lost it. But I go back to how I felt in the middle of the night when he was almost 2 and he still wanted me to soothe him, it doesn't last! And it didn't last, and now some nights I miss those middle of the night rocking sessions with my baby. They do grow up so fast. I'm sure soon enough he won't want me to put him to bed at night and will want to do it on his own.

Weekends

We had a good weekend. Yesterday was very busy, we did more in the day than we normally would, but it was fun. Today was not as busy, we hung out at home for the morning, which let me get the laundry done, then went for a hike at the conservation area, then off to the splash pad where Jackson took awhile to get over the cold water, and then ended up soaked. He had fun and decided when it was time to go, which is always a bonus, when leaving is his idea. I hope next weekend lives up to the same experience, though we have no plans yet. I'm sure we'll come up with something. We really have one more weekend until vacation starts, two weeks of work. I'm sure we'll make it! Lots of fun field trips at daycare which is a bonus.

Still debating on what type of home to look at. Every time I think I've decided I'll change my mind. Of course I still need to get my new contract and all the money that comes with it in order to really buy anything. And honestly the place we rent is fine. It's more space than we need of course, and the back yard needs some work (like getting the fence fixed which the landlord is getting lots of quotes to do). I could do more here, and I know we need to get rid of some "stuff" that has collected. It's 3 bedrooms, one of which we don't really use. My parents did stay with us when they had their dog but they now stay with my sister because I have 3 cats and they say they are allergic.

I guess the next few months will help decide if I need 3 bedrooms. Though I think even if I have another child they can share a room. Perhaps it will be awkward when Jackson gets older, but I can always look at moving up then, in 7 or 8 years? Perhaps. I did make an appointment with my family doctor to get a referral. That appointment is Monday the 25th. It was the first one at a late enough time I only need to miss 30 minutes of work and can make that up, or use some sick leave or something. I am not sure how long the referral will take.

My plan is to do up to 3 IUIs, medicated if necessary. But that will of course depend on the test results. I know that Ontario now has covered IVF, up to age 43 (I think) and it's a one shot deal. The clinic I will be going to has a waiting list for it, of course. I believe it's about 9 months from getting on the waiting list to getting to the starting stage. So it is perhaps an option. I'm just not sure if I want to go through that. But I guess I will see as I go along. I'm excited to (finally!) take the first step. I also hope to chat with some ladies with two (or more) at the next SMC get together in August. By then I will hopefully have had my first referral appointment and have gotten the blood work done.

I'm trying to keep up my yoga, and exercise, trying to eat well. That is often hard but I think I am making better choices. I am looking forward to my holidays though, to getting some extra sleep, to being able to relax a little bit. And also to cleaning, tossing stuff. Perhaps making this place a little more my own, even knowing I will hopefully be moving next summer.

Long summer weekend

Wednesday was Jackson's last day of Grade 1. He was a bear that morning so I didn't get a last day of school picture, and it was a rough start to the day. It ended better than it began so that was nice. I took Thursday off so we could go down to my parent's for the long weekend. He stayed up late to watch the fire works, which he wasn't impressed by (too loud) and then was very grumpy Friday from not getting enough sleep.

Friday he watched the parade, and we got some ice cream. Then he played outside a lot, and was a bit over tired. It was a nice day though, and he was in bed and asleep early.  Yesterday we went to get him a sleeping bag for his big camping trip with my dad. We then went into town and had lunch, then went to Walmart. My parents bought me stuff (practical stuff, like dish washer soap and tissues). He was in a much better mood and played quite late outside. Had a bath and then was in bed and sleeping.

Today I came home! The cats are very happy to see me, Jackson was getting a little upset when I was leaving but I know he's fine. Apparently he hasn't stopped eating all day. He'd had two breakfasts before I left. I now have a week alone. I plan to clean up the toys, organize and store some. I'd also like to fix up the basement a bit so he can play down there some. Though he says he is too scared to play down there. We'll see I guess!

I plan to watch lots of netflix, and grown up tv (no cartoons!). I will also do some yoga, and hopefully a few good workouts as well. I wanted to go to the doctor to see about a referral, but I can't get an appointment after work so I'd need to take time off work, which I can't really do this week. But perhaps I can get to work early and leave early one day. I hate to wait until August for that step, then it will take that much longer to get to the testing.

One of the ladies in my local SMC group just had her second little boy. He first is 7, so around the same age Jackson would be. She fought long and hard for that second baby, something I'm not sure I'd do quite as much. I'm looking forward to the August get together, I think there will be a few mom's with more than one, and I plan to ask some questions! And hopefully by then I'll have some tests done and know where I stand.

School

Today was an assembly at Jackson's school, and he won an award for justice. Apparently they give out awards every month for various Catholic values (it's a Catholic school so that makes sense). This month was his turn, and he was very excited. I managed to take the day off work so I could attend. I didn't need the whole day, but I took it any way. Worth it from my perspective, I got to sleep in a bit, do some groceries and things without help, and then go to the assembly. Jackson wanted to sit with me, but was told he had to wait until after he got his award. He was quite upset and cried at that, I wasn't sure why, he was a bit more upset than he should have been. After he got his award he came to sit with me, and whispered with me. He told me he fell in gym and hit his head, so I asked him to show me where, and he did. Then I felt a huge bump! Which was very tender to the touch. So that explained why he was so upset. I was a little upset myself, no one had said anything to me, I think they should have called over something like that. I mean he doesn't have a concussion, but it must have been a nasty fall for such a bump.

I made him go ask his teacher if he could leave, and she came to talk to me. She said she didn't feel his head because he wasn't crying by the time she got to see him, only that the gym teacher had gotten him an ice pack. He had told her it didn't hurt any more. I made him put some ice on it when we got home, and he did rest quite a bit, but he wasn't nauseous or anything, and given he has had a concussion before I am well aware of the symptoms. I am sure he will be better tomorrow. He did have a hard time falling asleep because he couldn't get comfortable on his head. He was trying to fall asleep on his stomach so he wouldn't make his head hurt. Poor kid.

It was also crazy hair day. So yesterday we bought some purple (washable) hair dye, and he loved having purple hair for the day. He had to have a bath tonight, and get it washed out of course, which I had to do extra gentle. He's had a few special days to raise money for a charity over lent. Two weeks ago was pajamas day. He has to donate $2 but it's worth it. I am proud of me for remembering and getting it done. It is kind of funny because I drop him off to daycare quite early. and there are the usual kids who get dropped off that early as well. On pajama day and again today, another mom dropped off her son and didn't remember that it was a special day. I'm not sure what she did today but last time she went home to get him pajamas. I'm sure it's terrible of me but it makes me feel better that I did remember. I'm sure I'll have my moment to forget as well.

I ordered a pack of OPK & HPT's today. Spent the money so I better use them. I ordered CoQ10 on the weekend but there was a delay with shipping so it won't arrive this week, I bought a small bottle at the store today to tide me over. I want to get started. Now if I could just really give up the sugar... why does it have to be so sweet and yummy ???

Planning

I'm in planning mode. Planning for this summer, planning for what I want. I am hoping to take 5 or 6 weeks off this summer, to spend with kiddo while he enjoys spending time with me. During that we will of course visit my parents, go the beach, and hopefully do an overnight train trip to Toronto to go to the Royal Ontario Museum to see the dinosaurs, just like Jackson's favourite tv show (one of them any way!).  That will be in August though, so lots of time until then.

Mean time I am getting on with my "lose weight, get moving" plan, and am focused on losing some weight. I would like to get to a "normal" weight but I will be happy with baby steps in that regard. I have started working out in the morning, early, and am actually enjoying it. Though it's difficult to get up, especially this week after the time change. But the weather is also improving so hopefully I will be able to get out for walks and such soon. I have to admit, the weight training is a bit of a pain! I know it's the best for me but ouch, my muscles hurt! I am so out of shape :-)  working on that!  Diet being such a big part of losing weight I have also improved that. All the usual things, more veggies, taking lunch, making meals, reduced processed food.

And then the supplements. I am taking quite a few! I ran out of CoQ10 which I have ordered and hopefully it come soon so I can restart that. I am hoping that it will all lead to improved health, and better eggs. I plan on going to my doctor for a referral after Easter, by then I hope to have lost 10 pounds (from when I started) and be "in the zone" in terms of eating and exercise. I believe it will take a few weeks to get in to see the fertility clinic. At that point I imagine there will be testing, which will take a month or so, depending when in my cycle I am for blood work. Then I will know where I am. And hopefully while I am off for those weeks in the summer I will be able to make at least one attempt at an IUI. It is a long wait, I have reasons for wanting to wait that long, including just timing of when baby 2 would be due. But if the doctor says it's too late, or almost too late, or something like that, perhaps it will be sooner.

I am 40, my son is 5. He'll be 6 when I have a second kid! Is that crazy? I have read that it can be good, he will be old enough to want to help, and be able to take care of himself to a certain extent. Plus he'll be in full day school, so I would be on mat leave with baby home alone during the day. See, already planning mat leave and I haven't even gone to the doctor yet!  Crazy.

Of course I have very little left from when Jackson was a baby, no crib, no car seat, no high chair, nothing like that. I think I still have the baby bath I used, and one or two of the toys. I will know what I need this time though, and not to get things that I may just want. I know new baby will sleep in my room for at least the first 6 months to a  year, then I think the two will share a room for awhile. Planning before I even see the doctor. Can you tell I've thought about this a lot? Just haven't been able to commit. Now I'm ready. I only hope it's not too late.

Decisions. Or Not.

We have been home awhile and I am still adjusting to my cat being gone. I don't really get it but I miss him a lot. I will be getting another one, probably in a few months. For now, we have enough pets. One of my cats is rather over weight. I have put him on a diet. Really I switched him, and the other cat, to canned food.  So far he has lost a few ounces, which is a good, slow, rate. They aren't too happy that the dry food has gone away, but they are adjusting and enjoying the canned stuff. When we go away, like at Easter, they'll get dry but hopefully they won't complain too much.

I have been making an effort to get healthier myself. Clean up the eating, and start exercising. I did 3 good workouts this past week, at 5 am. Because if I don't get up and do it, I won't do it at all. Thursday kiddo got up at 5:15 and it took me 10 minutes to get him back to bed, so I only did half a workout. Friday I was just tired, and skipped it. Bad. Next week is going to be rough, with the time change. But hopefully I will be able to get it done! I started with cardio, but am thinking weights would be a better choice, perhaps some circuit training which gives the benefits of both. We'll see I guess.

The weather is supposed to start warming up, I can't wait! I want to get out for walks, and perhaps bike rides. I think I need a new bike, and to remember how to ride it. I want to get out, be active! I was looking at taking a class, but it's quite hard to find the time, and a babysitter. I have taken Jackson to Kids Night Out twice now, he really likes it. His little friend is there. The kid from school I do not like. It would be a good time to do something for me. But of course I can't find a class nearby that I am interested in. So last time, I got my hair cut. And I could look at doing some massages. The evening is tricky though. I have booked one for next weekend when Jackson has a birthday party to attend. Oh, we still need to get a gift for that. Ugh.

In addition to the moving, and eating better, I am back on my plethora of pills. I need to get some CoQ10, but otherwise I am taking a handful of pills at breakfast and dinner. All in the name of trying to save my eggs. My poor, 40-year-old eggs. I'm not even sure I want to use them. That I want to move ahead and attempt to have a second kid. I mean Jackson will be 6 by the time a second would arrive. That's a big difference. I really should have done it sooner. Which is part of why I want to do it at all now. I feel I will regret it if I don't at last try. I already have regrets that I haven't already done something.

There is always an excuse, it's expensive, I'm in bad shape, overweight, I had the whole gallbladder thing. Jackson was having some issues when school started and I didn't want to go through that again. Daycare, it's expensive and tricky, and do I want to deal with that? Work, I'm finally in a good position, will this kill my chances of moving up more? Travel, we won't be able to take another trip for a long time, no Disney! No more cruises or beaches for at least 5 or 6 years. Is it worth it to mess that up? To mess up our lives? But I also think having another person in our family would be a good thing, that we are far too "attached" and need another person to break it up. I love my kid, I love that he loves me. I think I need to make the effort, at least get checked out, and try.

New Year, Lots of Changes

For 2014 I have a long list of things I want or need to change. Some are easy, I have a new job I am starting on January 6th, it's really just a new position in the same building, same pay and all of that, but new people to work with, a new boss, and new challenges. I am hoping it's finally getting me back to something that I enjoy doing, or at least don't hate doing. That is actually the easiest change, it was lined up since just before my surgery at the end of November. I am looking forward to it, and to it being the first of many changes.

The second big change for me will be my health and weight. I am technically obese. How horrible a word that is, and how horrible it makes me feel. Which makes me want to eat to drown my sorrow. And there we have the reason perhaps?  I have already started on that journey as well, to lose weight and get healthier. I started my diet a couple days ago, right now it is pretty strict, with little variation, mostly to get me over the sugar/caffeine/wheat withdrawal symptoms. I find if I have no choices I tend to stick to it easier, if I have to think about it I will make the wrong choices, or too much of some choices. So I am being very strict and monotonous, same meals daily, probably for 6 weeks or so.

For now I am having a shake for breakfast, one for lunch with a salad, and a serving of protein and vegetables for dinner. The shakes have berries in them, and spinach too, or other baby greens, as well as a high quality protein powder with whey and casein protein (trying to avoid soy of course). Lots of water, and tea with no sugar (gross!). I can't drink my coffee black so it's out for awhile. I am hoping to get down to at least just over weight by my birthday in February. Once I have settled in to it I will add in more vegetables and varieties, I will mix things up a little bit. Generally though, I will be pretty boring for a few weeks. Because I really only eat dinner with Jackson during the week it should be pretty easy to just add on a carb for him, either some noodles or rice (his favs) or a potato perhaps. His other meals are different from mine any way, and I will be making him his eggs on the weekends, he loves that for breakfast. He often eats breakfast at daycare so no worries on that either.

I will be starting yoga tomorrow. I am doing it for exercise and for stress relief. I have some short yoga DVDs and will rotate them everyday after I get home from work and before I go get kiddo. I have about 30 minutes to do the yoga and prep dinner, or get all the other chores done. Yoga is a priority though, I need to do that for me and to help me relax and sleep. Once I'm in the habit, perhaps after a week or two, I should be getting up early to do a 20 minute cardio workout, I have lots of short ones, like 1 mile walks with Leslie Sansone, perfect length and easy to do when half awake. It will mean getting up when my alarm goes off at 5 but I know I feel better when I do, and Jackson does sleep better now so I get a full night sleep.

All of this, of course, is leading up to getting a referral in February, and hopefully getting to see a fertility doctor in April. I think it's 4 to 6 weeks wait for an appointment. Then 6 weeks or so for all the tests to get done. Which gives me 12 weeks to keep working on all of those habits and be healthier before I try any IUI's. Getting pregnant would be a huge change, and one I am really hoping works for me. I intend to do no more than 4 attempts, I am hoping the first will be unmedicated but I will do whatever the doctor tells me I need to. For fertility I am doing the diet, yoga and taking a few supplements. I intend to start CoQ10 around my birthday as well, to improve whatever eggs I have left. I know I can't afford IVF, so if I can't do IUI's I will have to reevaluate things.

Being a parent is a pretty amazing job, and I think I am doing ok at it. We have our moments of course, and "fights". In general I have an amazing kid, and hope I am lucky enough to have another one. I will be working on being a better parent during the year as well, paying attention and learning to play more. Trying not to yell and give ultimatums. As well as enjoying the moments, kids grow up so fast, it's amazing. Seems like just yesterday  my little boy was learning to walk and talk, now he is having conversations about dinosaurs, knows most of their names, and loves to run races. Crazy.

Financially I need to reign in my spending, and focus on only getting what we need. I know I will need to rebuy things I had for Jackson when he was a baby, because he will be 5 when baby 2 is born, and we moved, I got rid of a lot of things. I do know what I really need though, and what I can skip. It will be interesting. I am putting Jackson on an allowance in order for him to buy any more toys. For now he has some money in his piggy bank, and he can earn more by doing his simple chores, which is a win win for me, he does some chores and earns the money to buy his toys instead of getting more whenever he wants.

I am pretty excited for what the new year will bring us. I know I won't stay up until midnight, I haven't stayed up that late in years :-) The next six months will be busy with getting myself, our home and our finances ready to have another baby. Lots of work, but also lots of fun. Challenging and totally worth it.