Family

My dad is quite ill. It's strange because up until a couple months ago he was walking 5 miles a day. Now he has lost quite a bit of weight, and is on a bunch of medications. He is finally feeling up to eating again so hopefully that will help. He also has had a few tests done and more ordered. And he finally got a new family doctor in their new town. That is good at least, he'll have someone to follow his care instead of having to wait hours in the ER to speak to someone. I hope he feels better soon. My mom is still worried about him, but happy he's starting to eat again.

Jackson and I had a fight at bedtime one night. He told me he wants me to get married and find him a father. He thinks that if he had a dad he would never have to be alone, and he'd have more money to play his game. I tried to explain you can't just run out and get a man to marry, that I'm not really interested, it's hard work, and that it probably wouldn't go how he thinks. But he was quite upset. He then also said he just wants a bigger family. I kind of broke down and told him I am so sorry I never gave him a brother or sister. He gave me a hug and told me he doesn't need a brother or sister. But I do feel badly about it. Not so much the dad part simply because I really don't see the need.

We have seen more of our family these past few weeks than in the months before. I suppose that is a good thing, but it's also different. I am very much an introvert, though I love my kid and being a mom, I also love to be quiet and alone, reading or whatever. It is one thing I do love about vacation, just the two of us and not having to be around people all the time. I find that draining.

Now I just need to grow our family. A little. Though it will be hard, and expensive. I know it can happen. I do regret not doing it sooner. So much. But I will still move forward, and do this. I am old, and my eggs are old. There are options, and I will follow them as best I can.

Hot Summer

We are officially on vacation! For 4 weeks together. I had a few days off before he was done day care for the summer. He doesn't know that though. I was supposed to clean the house, reorganize furniture, do a bunch of stuff. But I didn't do any of it. I did watch some Netflix, catch up on some TV, and spend time wondering what to do. We don't really have any plans this year. No big trips, no Disney. We aren't even going to spend a week at my parent's because they live so close now.

Which has turned out to be a good thing. My dad is suddenly on a few medications and going for a bunch of tests. He has water on his lungs, heart arrhythmia, and went in to the hospital for tests because of his heart burn. Which they still haven't done anything about. My mom is all freaked out, she seems to think he's dying and she was supposed to die first... so it's been fun. My sister is upset because my mom is. And I, somehow, am the one calming them all down. My dad doesn't seem overly worried, he's on some pills which is surprising, he has always been active. Up until a couple years ago he was doing marathons. Until they moved he was walking 5 miles a day at least 5 times a week. He is in great shape, no high blood pressure, doesn't smoke or drink except an occasional glass of wine. He eats fairly well and isn't over weight, or at least not by much if he is at all. So who knows what is going on. I think he had walking pneumonia or something and it's affecting his lungs and heart. I think he also has sleep apnea, but hasn't been tested for it. I hope he will end up going for a sleep study. He has a CT scan with barium on Tuesday, and then we'll have more information.

It is odd that I am the calmest about it all. Being practical I guess. I have some worry but not a lot. Not sure why? I guess we'll see how things go next week. Monday we are going to help move stuff to the basement. It's finally finished so they can move the boxes from the garage, and some furniture, down to the basement. Jackson will just be entertaining I'm sure. My brother in law and nieces will be there as well. I guess it's good they are so close now, it's much easier to help.

There is a heat warning today. I wish we could get out but it's far too hot out there. Hopefully it will clear up evening so I can walk the dog. Or he'll just have to run around the house. I'd love to go get some ice cream, but I shouldn't. It's really good though, and it's so hot out. But I am trying to be good. And will need to be sticking to my diet plan sooner than later. Plus it costs money, which I should be saving. Donor egg IVF is rather pricey. 

I think I am settled on a plan of action. I have a plan for my health, a plan for finances, and am hoping to go to my doctor in September before I go back to work, so I can get a new referral, and also one to a psychologist so that will be covered by my work insurance. I think I could contact the EAP and they would likely give me some sort of consult free, but I'd like to be able to see someone who knows stuff about fertility. I'll need to do that before moving forward with donor eggs, etc any way.

I would like to go south this winter, but I can't because of zika, and financially it wouldn't make sense to do so. I need to save everything I have if I want to move forward. Plus I'm reluctant to go to an all inclusive. I've been researching them and it doesn't seem like it would be best for us. We do love to cruise, and go to Disney. My problem is the uncertainty in the US right now. Makes me reluctant to go there. Though I'm considering it for treatment. Oh well. I can't figure out where to go any way. Perhaps if I am successful we'll be travelling as 3 people at some point. But not likely until baby to be is 2 or 3. So in 4 years? Ugh. But that's ok.

I can do this. Somehow. I will figure it out. Somehow. Not sure why I am bothering with things to improve my egg quality when I know I'll need donor eggs. Doesn't make much sense. But I'll keep it up for now. Prenatal, CoQ10, Vitamin D, fish oils, vitamin C, magnesium and a B complex. Most of those are a good idea any way I think? And I'll add whatever is needed as I am closer to moving forward, I think there are a few things good to help with implantation.

So for now, we are on vacation. When school starts again in the fall the plan is for Jackson to be able to be an after school walker. It will save some daycare, give him some freedom, and should work out. I would be home 10 minutes or so after him most days. I will have to get a home phone, and work out something for the door so he doesn't need to carry a key. A smart lock with keypad would work. The home phone I'll sign up for next week, along with new internet, save a bit of money there too. I'd love to get rid of TV as well but there are still some shows I like to watch. For now the $50 or so I pay for that part is ok. If I can get the internet plus home phone for less than I currently pay for internet, well that sounds great to me. Then I need to get a lock and key pad, and we'll be all set. Well except for pants, shirts, shoes, snow suit, gloves, hats, boots, ugh!

What's next

I think I need to see a psychologist or something. I am having a truly hard time with decisions right now, and regrets. I wonder if talking to someone would help at all. I need a referral to have it covered by insurance. It has been a few months now of wondering what to do, wishing I had done something sooner when I thought of it, when I wanted to at first. Wishing that at 38 or even 41 I had moved forward and not made excuses. Perhaps excuses mean I don't really want to do this? I don't know. What I do know right now is that my doctor is on vacation, and by the time he's back I will be off with Jackson, and not able to go see him with kiddo in tow. So I will have to wait until September for that, if I don't change my mind, again. Until then I guess I will keep thinking about it. Try to eat healthier, take my supplements, and try not to spend too much money. Lots of thinking. Figuring this out.

I have read lots of other women's stories about how they had to mourn not having a husband or partner first, and then deciding to have kids any way. I've never had that, I have been in relationships, but I am more content on my own. I love being a mom though. Even though he does crazy things and at times drives me nuts, I love the bond and well, mothering. I think I have always loved that part, wanting to help others and take care of them. Most of my relationships have had that aspect to them, taking care of the other person.

The problem is that it would be hard, I can see how things that we do now would be harder with another baby in the house. Heck even the dog would be more difficult to manage with a baby around. Expenses, being able to travel. All harder with a baby. Yet those things don't really bother me. I know we'd make it work. My mom, she'd have something to say I'm sure. Even the process of appointment would be tricky with kiddo. If I decide I really do want to go to donor eggs in the US, that's travel that is hard to manage with kiddo around. I don't think taking him with me is a good idea, but options are limited.

I have been looking at AI's in the south for a winter trip, but know I can't do that if I want to get pregnant. The threat of zika is huge in my mind. Not worth it. But if I decide not to move forward then a trip will be needed. Normally we cruise but I am reluctant to go through the US with all of the uncertainty. Though I'm considering it for treatment. How crazy.

The funny part to me is I did not enjoy being pregnant. I was filled with worry, and actually had morning sickness the whole time. In the end I had to be induced because my blood pressure went up. I also had gestational diabetes. All in all, pregnancy was not fun. Even being induced, and labour, ugh! It was horrible. But of course the baby made it all worth it. I can hope that I know better now, and would do better now. I also hope that I would be able to use a midwife and have a better experience in general. It is one of the things that makes me question my decision though. I wonder if adopting would make more sense. But it's hard to do as well. So what do I do? Accept my past choices, and move on. Or keep thinking I have time to make a decision and make a new choice.

I guess I'll be doing a lot (more) soul searching, and perhaps try a bit of the secret. While reading up on my odds at 43, and 44... and possibly older? And eventually getting to talk to a professional.

Silly Kid

Jackson played on his Xbox almost all weekend. Way too many hours, but it was SO hot out I couldn't really blame him for it. Some of his friends were playing as well so he was talking to them over his headset. My dad got it for him, though the one he ordered is going back and has been replaced with one that connects properly. He is playing a free online game, but you can pay to buy things for it. Things that don't really help with playing the game, just "look cool". I have a hard enough time paying the fees to play the game monthly, I don't want to spend the money on something that frivolous! Especially when I need to save every bit if I intend to move forward with donor eggs, or even IVF.

We were talking about the new stuff at Disney that opened this weekend, and how long the waits are. I told him maybe we'd be able to go next year if I don't have another baby. He mumbled something about having a baby. I asked him what he said. He then told me doesn't want a baby brother or sister, who we should call Sam because it could be a boy or girl name. I asked why, just so he could go to Disney again? He said that didn't matter, but if we have Sam then we will have to buy more food, and then he won't be able to keep playing Xbox. I asked if that was all, he said there were other reasons. He told me that a baby would mean the house would be messier, he would have to share the Xbox. It was kind of funny. Nothing about having to share me, or not be able to go on trips, just concern that the baby would mean less "stuff" for him.

I do know my kid is spoiled, he basically gets everything he wants. We are working on that. I am working on my budget, and setting money aside for me as well. I tend to not get new things for myself until I have to. I am much more particular about what I will spend the money on now as well. I can't control what my parents buy the boy, but I can make suggestions.

I am still considering what to do about number 2, but I still wish I could use my own eggs and just do an IUI or two, much cheaper. But of course a much lower success rate. I think IUI and IVF would probably be about the same success rate now, of course using donor eggs puts that up significantly.

For now, I am trying to lose some more weight, and save some money. I will be cleaning the house up as well. Though I am reluctant to get rid of all the toys, perhaps we can sort them out and select the "best" to keep. I also want to take some supplements for egg health, and I guess I'll need another appointment with the fertility clinic. I do wish it wasn't such a process to get in, or perhaps not such a long wait. When I make the decision I would like to be able to do something about it then and not wait 3 months, during which time I am more likely to change my mind. I guess changing my mind is not the best? I know I will have to talk to a psychologist before I move forward, perhaps that will help.

Donor Eggs?

I haven't really let go of the idea of expanding my family. I am not at an age where I think doing IVF will be effective. And it would be expensive. So my options are limited. I have been looking at donor egg programs. To do so here in Canada would be very expensive with the eggs coming from the USA. I believe it would be about $30K for one attempt. I know there is a program in the US nearby where I could have a guaranteed baby through a donor egg program, and it would cost me about $50K (though I am not sure if that includes everything, and if it is in USD or CAD, which makes a big difference). I have also been looking into programs in Greece and Mexico. Both countries seem to have robust programs, at a significantly lower cost, but of course there is significant travel involved. There is a program in Syracuse, which is only about 3 hours away, so that is also an option I will explore.

In any case, any of these options will mean no trips for a bit, well unless I go to Mexico I guess! And they all require me to save a bit more than I have been. But I think I can do that, if it's $10K or something along those lines, that is doable. Even if it means no trips for awhile.

My parents have moved closer, they are about an hour away now. And we've been to visit twice already. Their new house is quite nice, and just about a perfect size. It is nice that we can go visit for lunch, or a few hours. Hopefully Jackson will still be able to go there for an occasional sleep over. Once everything is settled. They are still having some work done in the basement.

I am not sure what I will do, whether I will move forward or not. I am focusing on some weight loss, saving money, and cleaning/decluttering the house to make room for another member if I decide to move ahead with that. I have considered adoption as well, but it honestly seems like more work! I guess we'll see what happens. It's nice that I could do 18 months of mat leave, and that the daycare in Jackson's school has a new toddler and preschool program, it starts at 18 months.

Nanny & Poppy

We had another great trip. But it really over extended me, and I'm not sure when, or if, we will go again. It was amazing though. We really enjoyed the ship, the ports, the food, and the few days at Disney after. I do not regret going, but it was not a cheap trip.

When we got back my parents told me they were putting their house on the market in order to move closer to home. It sold really quickly, and they had to find a new place. Yesterday they moved in! It was super fast, and I think quite stressful for my mom, but they are closer now. Only an hour away. We went out to see the house today, it's really nice, new build, perfect size for them (or us!). Jackson really liked the place, and we walked up to Dairy Queen for ice cream.

I am not sure I'll ever be able to buy a house at this rate. I can't save fast enough to keep up with the way house prices are going up. Homes are selling for thousands over asking, quickly, often before they actually go on the market. And since kiddo has decided that he wants to stay at this school it greatly limits my options. At least when he hits high school the catchment is much bigger. But that's still 3 years away. He is only in grade 3! Almost done grade 3 though.

Work is work. I am getting my vacation this summer, my manager shuffled the team a bit when one person left in order to put me in a position that I could actually take the time off. Now my position from before has said they won't allow me to stay on loan for another year. The area I am working will need to move me permanently or send me back in September. At this point, both jobs sound interesting so I leave it to the managers to figure it out. The current job is in a much better location, parking is easier, and the commute is so much better. But I will do what I need to do for the job I guess.

We have no real plans for the summer. We will do some stuff around town, and a friend is off with her kids as well. Plus we'll go to my parents for a bit as well. I do want to declutter, get ride of stuff! Jackson doesn't play with his toys much any more, we can get rid of a lot I think. And hopefully it will make the house cleaner, easier to maintain, and just generally nicer to live in. I also am eating better, and moving more, but it's hard. I get started and then just fade off the workouts. I would like to do more, I just get tired, and eventually give up again. I keep trying, one day it will become a habit! I hope.

Best Laid Plans

I'm frustrated. I took a new position at work in the fall, on a temporary basis, and I like it. There is some stuff I do not like but in general the team is good, the work is interesting, I'm learning a lot. The manager sucks, and now she has denied my request for summer vacation. The first year where if Jackson doesn't go I don't have to pay, and I can't even avoid having to pay now! I am really upset about it. Perhaps more than I should be. We will survive, but it is very annoying and now I am left scrambling to find a new position, or return to a job I don't want to do. We go away in a few weeks, and when I get back I'll have maybe 2 weeks to find something new in time to get all the paper work done. I can't see it happening. So my choices become not taking the time off in the summer, or taking my full paid vacation and using unpaid leave in the winter. Which means having to save to cover that. Missing two pay cheques at once is different than losing the pay and having it averaged out over a full year.

It really sucks. I can't believe any potential savings from no daycare or summer camps is now gone, and I have to figure out where to send him, how much it will cost, and lose out myself! Maybe I am spoiled, I enjoy spending the time together in the summer, I enjoy taking the time off work. I'm not one who loves my job. It pays the bills, it's a necessity. But as soon as I can retire I will. And honestly in a few years when Jackson is 12 or so, he'll probably be staying home alone a few weeks of the summer any way.

At least we have our trip coming in April. We are going on another cruise and spending two nights afterwards at Disney. Everything is paid for at this point except gratuities on the cruise and spending money. I will take care of that all in two weeks. Sadly the Canadian dollar has been dropping so it's going to cost me more than it would have a few months ago. My plan going forward is to get a bit every month so it's easier in future. Not that we are supposed to be planning any more trips! But I know we will. I am hoping to take another trip next February or so.This winter has been long, and we need a nice break in the middle. December was too early, April is too late. I would do one on March break but it costs so much more for flights I just can't justify the extra costs. Mind you it means he misses school and perhaps that won't be possible in another year or two.

Now I need to think some good thoughts, picture what I want and wait for the universe to provide. I know things will work out, but perhaps not in the way I would really like. I have some contacts and will be sending off my resume and interest to a few managers and directors that I know. Hopefully something good will come of it! Quickly. I could probably manage this summer but I certainly have no intention of going through this every summer. It's clear what the manager's thoughts are and though the project is where it is because of a lack of leadership, and taking 5 extra months to staff up, the staff is now paying the price. I don't think I'm the only one who may be leaving, two of the other staff are term employees looking to become permanent and they both have possible offers. Hopefully the project doesn't fail, it is a great idea and would be great if it is completed.

For now, I am planning for Easter at my parent's and then our next vacation. All while trying to network as much as possible and find a new position... and of course while doing my actual job. My boss mentioned she hopes I don't just check out and that I will keep working... who says that? Any way! Shows what type of boss she is I guess.

I wish I knew what I would really like to do with myself. I have this job that I don't love, but it has a pension plan, benefits, usually great vacation, and room to move around. But I can't find that thing that I want to do. I am 43, and I can retire at 55, though I will probably work until 57 to get the years in I need, I don't think I will do much more than that, and it all depends if I am actually able to save up extra on top of the pension, and figure out where I would want to live. Not here as the cost of living is higher than many places. I also hate winter, so a place with a nicer one, or the option to spend winter some place warmer, is a necessity. Perhaps I won't want to be too far from Jackson? I don't know. I do know that I have 12+ years to go, I'm about half way through this career.

We had a team meeting today and were talking about summer vacation plans, one of the girls mentioned she has no idea what she wants to do this summer, or any other time. I can tell you exactly what vacation I want every summer and winter for the next few years... with some variation in exact dates for the trips I want to take. I am a planner. While my plans don't always work out, I feel better having them. I have a detailed budget, I know exactly how much money I will have on any day for the next two years. And I may go ahead and do the one after that soon since it bugs me that I haven't yet. Sometimes it is a good thing, and sometimes it throws me for a loop when things don't work the way I expect.