Small Steps

 Kiddo is in bed already, it's not even 8 yet. He is tired, and currently obsessed with getting 10 hours of sleep a night because that's how much a child his age should get. He looked it up. He didn't believe me when I told him. But that's ok, he believes it now. He only got 7 1/2 hours last night, and had a short nap today, maybe 30 minutes, so he has some to make up. I'm ok with it. If I can go to bed early tonight as well it will be great! 

The past couple evenings he has spent the time with me, as we used to. It is nice. He is interested in more grown up shows now, though he often watches his phone while the TV is on. We play games or he forces me to do nerf battles or play hide and seek. Well the nerf battles are all him, I hate them. We have even had dinner at the table, and he helped me cook. Not that it was much but he enjoyed helping so that was nice too. I look forward to moving and having more counter space to really cook on. 

And speaking of the moving, we found the perfect place to move to. It is further from here, about the same distance from my parents but has two master suites so Jackson is all excited to have his own ensuite. The main floor is nice and open with lots of space and a pantry, and a big breakfast bar. Even a fenced yard, which is lacking in the places near here that are also very nice. The new place is also cheaper, which leaves more money for travel and to save. So hopefully there will be something available still for May. At least with being able to work from home I don't have to worry about the commute so much. 

Ontario is in full lock down, don't leave the house unless you have to, mode. I went and picked up groceries today, the click and pick up style, and got Wendys drive thru for lunch. We made tacos for supper. He likes his nice and plain, just meat and cheese! We watched a show we can only find on YouTube, it's about this guy named Nigel who travels through time to visit dangerous seas and sea creatures, very realistic. I wish we could find the DVD. I'll keep watching for it though. 

I just want things to be back to whatever the new normal will be. With being able to travel and go places. I can't wait to get vaccinated, and for Jackson to be as well. I want to get on a cruise ship and sail away to warm lands. To eat yummy food and swim in the ocean. I can't wait. It is what keeps me going. The hope and plan that it will happen again. 

Happy Belated Canada Day

I have realized, after having 5 days off in a row, that perhaps I should have booked some summer vacation. It was nice, to sleep in, to watch a lot of TV and such. It was nice to not get up early and do as I wanted through the day. I don't tend to workout as much though. I find the days I work, I am reminded to get up and move more so I get more steps in, and often need to step away from the work to do a short workout. I love the being able to sleep in, but I am mostly glad I am saving my vacation days for when life returns to "normal" and we are able to travel again. One other thing, I have saved so much sick leave. Normally I use it up almost as fast as I accrue it. I get migraines and have only had a couple since lock down began, I wonder how much of a part the lighting at work plays. Possibly hormones as well, since I also have still not had a period since Disney last August (which has been awesome, though sad at the same time). 

For Canada Day, we didn't even leave the house. Well, I did go get us cold drinks, an iced coffee for me and a slushy drink for him. There were no fireworks, no big celebration. I guess it's good it wasn't the 150 or something? To be honest, we don't really have a lot of plans for the whole of summer. I am bribing him to do some work during the week, which so far has not worked very well. It's pretty easy stuff, I would like to know he is up to speed when school restarts, depending on what that even looks like.

I am very glad that the main floor got decluttered in December, it has made a big difference in being able to enjoy the space a bit. I want to do more work upstairs but keep procrastinating, getting started is the hard part. It needs to be done though. The basement as well but we don't use that as much. It would be nice to get it done so we can move if we choose to, though the places I was looking at moving to are going to probably be out of my budget. And I may miss the backyard? Well the dog will miss the backyard, he loves chasing the bunnies out there. The places aren't quite as close to the walking trail, but not too far. And the park is right there. Hopefully that will open up soon, actually living right there beside it would be hard to resist. 

I have been walking, and working out. And my knees are feeling it. I guess I should have worked to lose more weight before trying any jogging. But the jogging does really feel good in the moment. It makes me feel strong and like I can do anything. The workouts I have been doing also make me feel strong. Though the first few days I also felt sore! It was kind of nice to feel like I had done something. And it improved, I got better at it. In only a few days. 

The province is still slowly moving forward, things have been reopening. I can walk into McDonalds now to order take out, which is nice for us. It's closer to walk than drive. I wear a mask, it makes it easier! Though of course that could kick me in the butt if I don't stick to the points. I hope the city pools open sooner than later, we love to go swimming and it would be nice when the weather is so hot. If the water park doesn't open I will look at going to the one in Quebec, though it's not as nice. We do need some things to do, to get him off the computer and moving would be nice. He has been playing with a friend, but not everyday. That's ok, somedays are better than others.

I have no idea what fall will bring, school's should open to some extent, and if not, well, it will be really hard to get him to do anything. I think if that happens I will have to really step up the bribes, or something. Some fights have not been worth it. My goals are to help him stop breaking things, and learn some emotional control over his anger. I have no idea if we will accomplish that over the summer or not! It would also be really nice if he could fall asleep on his own without me sitting there. Those are my goals for him. My goals for me are all about my health, losing weight, eating better, moving more. And controlling my own temper as well. He does know how to push my buttons. I know that to manage better, I need to take care of myself better. So the walking and exercise are key there. It has been really hot, so the walking has to happen early or very late. Somedays, it's too hot for the dog even early. I do go out myself those days. The dog gets to play fetch in the house and run around inside, thankfully he is small enough that is seems to be just enough. 

I am also working on myself and letting go of what I can't have. I have to let go of my big family dreams. I know it's not practical, I know it doesn't make financial sense. I know my body is done so the choices would be expensive. In my head, I know. In my heart? Oh I wish I could have two more kids, I wish we could be a big family. I have buried my dream in trips instead, and now that trips are off the table for awhile, it brings the family dream back around to my heart. Could I adopt? I don't know. I don't even know that I would really want to be pregnant again, it was not a good experience the first time. So my head should win this battle and perhaps convince my heart what to do, or I guess not do in this case? 

As for the trips, we have two cruises booked in December, but given the mess that the US is at the moment, in particular Florida, I have no idea if we would even be able to travel there. I'm not sure I want to! There is also the November election, what impact that could have. So perhaps we will try an all inclusive this year instead. Or spend another winter in the cold. Hey, if I don't have to drive to work maybe it wouldn't be so bad? And hopefully this work from home thing will be the way going forward, at least most of the time, with perhaps going in to the office on occasion? Honestly? I'd be totally ok with that. And given it looks like kids will only be in classes maybe two days a week, if that, it is probably going to be the way for at least the next school year. 

Another Week

Another week is done, new one starting tomorrow. Back to work. Last week was not too bad, we had a few disagreements, but in general it was ok. This weekend was actually good. Today was nice, there was no yelling! It was a bit strange for sure, I think there is always yelling in this house. It was a good day. I hope it continues, but know we will backslide and then move forward again.

Tomorrow is May the Fourth. We will watch the last Clone Wars episode, and he says he will watch lots of Star Wars all day. I have to work but I'll take a coffee break to watch the show. It's something we like to watch together. Hopefully the weather will  be nice and we can go for a walk. Well, I can go for a walk any way. Jackson hasn't left the house since April 1st I think. Around then any way.

We've been doing well with meals, I make a list, he chooses what he wants every day for lunch and dinner. Well, today he didn't get to choose, I had a chicken to cook so it went in the crockpot and was very yummy. Lots of leftovers which I will have for lunches I think. Tuesday will be Tacos, since it is May 5th and Taco Tuesday. I am looking forward to that one too.

It is weird to only be able to shop once a week, and at one store. I normally would shop a few places and get stuff on sale. This week I spent a fortune, way more than I should have, but feel I got a lot of stuff. I hope so any way! Still always need more apples and other fruit. I should only need a few things this coming week though, I hope. Though I do need to get cat and dog food. Which will require a curbside pick up somewhere I guess, or delivery, but I need it by Friday, and not sure I can get anything delivered by then. I guess I'll figure it out.

I've been trying to be more active and really follow my weight watchers. I'm meeting my fit points goal, taking the dog for a walk everyday after supper at least. And I started a 30-day challenge for Abs & Butt. It's hard though! I think I need to take it down a notch, there are some moves I just can't do. I'm doing a 10 minute arm workout every second day, which leaves my arms feeling heavy and sore. I guess that's good. I would like to start getting up earlier during the week and doing a 30 minute Walk before I get to work. As long as I am working from home it makes sense.

I feel that I will be working at home for awhile, even as things start to open back up I imagine I will be here for a few more months. Everything I do, I can do from here. I'd rather stay safe at home. But I also would like Jackson to be able to go to school, or at least go out and play with friends. I can't wait for him to be able to do that again. I know he misses his friends, and playing games with them.

Social Isolation in Crazy Time

Times are crazy. This virus is changing the way we live in so many ways. Not only is school closed but kids aren't supposed to be out playing with friends. Plus I am working from home, my job is critical so I'm expected to work. It is also proving challenging to do that and make sure Jackson is ok through all this.

The homeschooling did not go well, it started out great but he is stubborn and now would rather just play xbox all day. I am working, it's busy as I am supporting phone lines which are answering a lot more calls with a lot fewer people available. It's a struggle to balance everything. And the government hasn't announced when schools will actually go back. If it's a few weeks then ok fine, lets get through this, but if they aren't going back until September, then he needs to get over it and start doing more than xbox all the time. He has reconnected online with a boy he played with two summers ago, the other kid is quite nice and seems to be good with Jackson, which is nice. But Jackson can be needy and so can get upset when he's not the focus of the other kids time online. It can be a struggle. I have been having a lot of conference calls so he often has to be quiet. And I also have been trying to take video workout breaks during the day, even 10 minutes of a walking workout makes me feel better. I am looking forward to finding out about school so I can put plans in place. Add in plans for summer camps, and it is a difficult time for sure.

I have had to spend some money I wasn't supposed to, on groceries. Because everything is so scary, I only want to go to the stores once a week or less, so I am not shopping flyers and looking for the sales, or at least I am having to spend full price on some things which is causing me to spend more of my budget than I expected. This will impact summer camps, I am not sure I will be able to afford all the weeks I had originally planned for. He may end up in some more generic ones than the special camps. This if the camps even open up this summer! Who knows.

Given a 3 to 4 month time frame for this to go through the worst, that puts it at end of June before things normalize. I am glad that Canada seems to be doing better at planking the curve than perhaps some other countries. I think it helps we are so large in geography, and smaller in population. I am worried about my planned December cruise, not because I am scared to cruise, I have no issues getting on a cruise ship in the future, I am more worried about the place it cruises from, getting there and staying there beforehand. I have promised, if something happens and we can't cruise, we will go away to an all inclusive as soon as we can.

It is very strange when I take the dog for walks, everyone is good about staying on their side of the sidewalk, there are few people out and about walking, biking, etc. And even on the roads, there are few cars driving around. I have been to the stores twice, the experience is so different. Put your groceries up, step back, they ring them up, they step back, you step up and pay, then when they step back again you bag them up. I find it frustrating that so many things are out of stock, and I can't shop sales like I normally would. I am lucky I still get a pay cheque, but it is not going to last as much as it once did with prices higher. It is also hard being home, kiddo is not eating his usual school snacks and only wants the special things like chips and candy, he won't eat cookies. It is weird, and frustrating. Tonight I have a chicken in the oven, I'll have mashed potatoes, he'll have rice.

I have been trying to stick to weight watchers, but it is hard! Fresh veggies are hard to come by, and even frozen ones are few in stock. Add in the anxiety, stress from working at home, worry about how Jackson is coping, and I have been overeating. I intend to do better going forward, spend April really keeping on plan and adding in movement breaks to my day. I will do what I can, and hopefully by May we'll be able to get out of the house more, and perhaps back to normal.

I think the unique thing for being an SMC in this time, I am the only parent, the only option. If I get sick, god forbid I end up in hospital, what will happen to Jackson? I have family but I also don't want to risk them and if I am sick, he would be too. I have one amazing niece who has said she'd help out any way she can which is so generous of her. My parents are older and I can't risk them getting sick. Hopefully I won't get it any way, but every time I cough or sneeze, or think my nose is stuffy, I worry. Now I do have seasonal allergies, so I've been dealing with that as the snow melts and that yucky mold comes out. I managed to find some claritin and it is helping but I still feel the post nasal drip. I worry about me getting sick, and him not able to take care of himself at all. He refuses to learn things, like even making a waffle for breakfast, he'd rather just have me do it.

I do still have regrets that he's an only child. I wish I had my 3 kids that I dreamt of, but I also know it would be super hard right now if I did. Even going to the store, he is able to stay home for an hour if I need to do that, younger kids, not so much. Cost wise, one is much better on the budget. But oh I wish I had another. Maybe, we'll see what happens I guess. I guess if I end up having to cancel the trip, perhaps I can save up and try next year? I'd be 46. Man. That feels so old. Yet sometimes I still think I must be in my 20's. But then we wouldn't be able to move at all. Though I think that may wait any way. Who knows, maybe this will be good for house prices? For me any way, not for sellers I guess.

Since we are home, I want to get the upstairs room cleaned up. I have a lot of stuff in it that needs to get out of the house. I had planned to donate but I guess that's not a good idea right now, so I am considering some of it just getting out. Next week is cardboard week, then the following is garbage week. Maybe next weekend I can some stuff ready to go. It's doable, just need to do.

Easter will be interesting too, we normally do dinner with family, but obviously we won't be able to do that now. I'm not sure how to handle the Easter bunny either, I had planned to start getting candy and eggs ready soon but haven't been able to do that yet. Perhaps next week I will find some good sale and try and get some stuff. Just not sure what I will be able to get as he is not a big chocolate kid. I am leery of heading to Walmart but know that would be the best place to get what I want. I will wait and see I guess. I have some time. Not much but a little bit.

Epic Homeschooling?

Well things ramped up pretty quick, and it is an interesting time to be living. Schools are closed for March break and then two weeks, but at least two provinces have closed them "indefinitely" so I'm sure ours are to follow. I am lucky that I can work from home, not lucky that I am considered essentially and actually have to. Hopefully they will be accommodating, I do not have a lot of options for childcare! Thought my parents and sister's family have offered to help. At least this week I am on vacation, which so far involves walking the dog, listening to the boy complain about his video games, and trying to avoid the stores. So far, not going that great but not terrible.

Last night I was talking to him about how starting next week we would need to do some school type work, and showed him a schedule I had done up. He asked to move a few of the blocks around and was excited to get started. So this morning, at 9 AM he said "time for the epic homeschooling!" and off we go. It isn't so bad, so far. But he is a handful and even the two hour activity breaks do not seem to be enough for his mental health. He needs to be active. I did order a small indoor trampoline for us and hopefully it comes Monday! Also some books to learn cursive and work on multiplication tables. I also get him to do 10 minutes of reading (his reading level is really high so I'm not worried about that) and this morning he did a slide show to present me with information on covid 19. I am hoping to get him to do a few online programs as well, we'll see. There are a lot of resources being made available for parents and children since we are not supposed to be interacting with anyone.

We did go visit my parents yesterday, I'm not sure we'll be able to do that again any time soon, but it was nice as it was. I've stocked up on pet food, we have enough for the 3 weeks, and we'll go from there. For us, I will probably need to get some things this week but it will be later and not a lot. I am sad I didn't get my hair cut last week, since now who knows when I will be able to do so. It is bugging me but I will survive, it's just hair after all!

So now here we are, homeschooling... trying to keep him active and yet calm, he has always been one to get worked up about stuff, and this is the same. I hope we can manage to get through this without any blow out fights. I am glad we had already cancelled the cruise we should be on right now, that would have been difficult to sort out with refunds and stuff. At least this way, we have the one in December to look forward to and hopefully enough time before then to settle things down. If the dollar keeps dropping though it could be a very expensive trip! But one I think we will really look forward to going on.

Life goes on. I am not worried about catching this thing ourselves, slightly concerned for my parents because they are older and have had health problems, including my mom's diabetes. We will survive this, things will probably change significantly, and in the end, we will be stronger for it.

Feels like end of days

This Covid-19 thing is really getting annoying. It has sure escalated quickly. I guess at this point I am glad I cancelled my cruise plans for March break, given we'd likely end up quarantined or something. At least now I just have a week of March Break, avoiding crowds, and then TWO WEEKS of closed schools. So 3 weeks at home. I mean, I am able to work from home, so it should be ok, but wow... it's quite a thing! It seems everyone is in full on panic mode. Stores are nuts, shelves are bare, what are people doing? Do they think they will never be able to leave their home again? I just don't understand. I certainly don't have two weeks or more of food in the house. I do plan to buy 2 weeks of cat and dog food when I get paid next week, but I do that any way. For kiddo and I, well we could manage with what's in the house for a few days any way. But I certainly don't have a stock pile of things. I have a grocery list for this weekend, I can only hope the items will be in store!

I am off work until March 23rd, then working from home until April 5. It's crazy. I mean it's kind of nice, I like working from home, I feel I get more done, but it will be weird for sure. And it will be harder on the kid. Two weeks is a long time for no school, no going out. And he is not using my new laptop for playing his video games. He broke my last one, I had to get a replacement rather quickly, and now I finally received it. It is nice, and new, and pink, and not for his use! I will have to lock it up or something.

He has been getting to and from school on his own for a couple weeks now. Doing well with it, except eating chips for breakfast. Instead of cereal or toast or something. We will have to work on that. At least he hasn't been late or anything. Now the weather is starting to get nicer, it will be even better.

I have joined WW, again, and am starting to walk again. The sidewalks have cleared up well enough to go and not slip around. I am not doing great but am hopeful, and I have lost a pound or so. I hope to lose more, and perhaps being home for 3 weeks will help. I will at least be able to go for a good walk at lunch time. Perhaps I can start running. It is hard, normally sometime in January or February I start exercising in the basement, but this year I didn't. I have not been getting enough sleep, been lazy, and gained some extra weight. I signed up for 6 months, I hope it will be enough time to get some good habits. We'll see!

Sick kid, video games and connections

Jackson has been "sick" for almost a week now. He complains he is going to throw up, his tummy hurts, his head hurts. I cannot tell if he is being legitimate or if he is trying to avoid school, or daycare. He has already said multiple times that he doesn't want to go to daycare in the mornings. It's too early, his friends aren't there, it's no fun. So what can I do? He's been home from school four days now. I suspect his tummy issues are stress or anxiety related, rather than actually a virus or something. It could be related to diet, we don't always eat the best. But he does eat an apple a day, plus other fruits and veggies. I'm just not sure.

I did tell him no xbox the days he was home last week, but he played a lot over the weekend. The games turn him into a violent, reactive, foul mouthed child. And I hate it. I have tried to limit his time on it, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. When he gets to the point he's over stimulated by the game it's too late, he yells, I yell, we argue, and it does not end well. I am trying to limit things further but it is hard to find a balance of it. He plays online with his friends, and if he isn't playing he's wanting to watch YouTube videos of people playing. How does that make sense? I do not understand it. I fear he is quite addicted to the game and screens in general.

He is, and always has been, a sensitive child. Wearing socks can cause screaming matches. I finally found some with no seams in the toes that he can wear without a fit. But he also gets very upset if I am mad at him, or he thinks I am. He hates when his teachers are upset with him too. He places a lot of his self worth on being good at things, connects who he is with how well he can do something. If he makes a mistake it is the end of the world, he's the only one who has ever done such a thing, and he is worthless because of it. Self esteem is a bit issue for us.

So today a new plan because I can't miss more work. I wasn't planning to go today any way, but I thought I would have the day to myself to clean up a bit, and watch some Netflix. Instead we are working on a new plan and schedule.

He is walking home from school now, and I have been getting home a little before him. I will be changing my hours in November so get home later, and not have to use vacation days for PD days, so I can save those for the summer. That time from when he gets home until dinner is on the table he will be allowed to play OR watch his videos. Then we eat dinner together. After dinner he can choose a game, or toys, or a puzzle for us to do together, or we can walk the dog. Something together. Then he has homework or printing practice. He is quite upset that he loses marks for writing some letters backwards. So practice will hopefully help. I will contact the teachers to see if they can suggest something to help. He will be going up to his room by 7 to either watch YouTube or read, and then that's off by 7:30. He falls asleep with his light on, and I turn it off when I go to bed myself, but I will go up and turn it off earlier now. This should help him get a proper night sleep. I hope. He will still have early daycare until spring at least. I will see about starting work 30 minutes later, though that puts me getting home at 5 when we would normally be eating so I'm not sure I like that. We'll see.

We are also going to go through some of my paleo cook books and see what recipes he might like to try. We will try and clean up our diet more, do a whole foods type thing, less processed, less wheat/gluten. And see if that helps his tummy too. And my own. I haven't been very good about my own eating habits since the power outage. That was a good excuse to start eating lots of bread again. I need to clean it up so I can get back to feeling better myself. Plus I need to lose some weight! A lot of weight.

He is home today but will be going back to school tomorrow. No matter what. He's agreed to that. Hopefully I've covered the bases, more time connecting, less time on screens, healthier diet, better sleep habits. One of those should fix the sore tummy.

I know he is also worried about my dad. He's in the hospital with some heart problems. So strange because he is not a smoker, doesn't drink, eat a healthy diet, and was walking 5k 5 times a week. Now he can barely walk across the room. Sudden and dramatic. He's going for some more test this week, and hopefully it will be ok soon. Jackson is worried about him though.

He's also worried that I will put him up for adoption, that he's "bad" and I don't like him. He doesn't like it when I get mad at him. Which I understand, I was the same when I was a kid. I am hoping less screens, less xbox, and more time connecting, will help to fix that. It does make me wonder at my mothering skills though, perhaps I am a terrible parent who has been too lax, and made a monster. Which of course makes me feel terribly guilty, and also wonder how I could even think of having another child. Not only am a crappy mom but perhaps my son shouldn't have a sibling, how would he behave? Hopefully I am able to fix all this, but it is so hard to be a mom some days. We are very different in a lot of ways, this kid of mine and me. I am very much an introvert and I need alone time very much. He loves to be at least near people and not alone. It has been difficult for me, but as he gets older we find ways for him to be around friends and me to not. Still, how can I think I could do this again? Or with another child around? It needs fixing for sure. I need to fix it.

The great Ottawa tornado and power outage of 2018

Whelp. Power is finally back on. It went out Friday at 6pm and came back on today around 6pm. It was a long time with no electricity, no internet, spotty phone coverage. Nothing much in our house to eat that doesn't require cooking. We are also lacking in good flashlights or lanterns.

Friday was a hot humid day, there were thunderstorm warnings and then around 5pm, while we were eating, there were tornado warnings. We have had a few of those before with nothing to show for it. I kept the curtains open to watch the wind and skies while we ate. After dinner I was cleaning up when Jackson got upset because his game kept "lagging him out". The power flickered and then went out. No problem, it was still daylight so we went and found the flashlights and then decided what to do. We played cards in the kitchen while I tried to get through to hydro to report the outage and then check the status of it. The phone line, twitter and facebook were overwhelmed and I couldn't get through. Around 8pm nothing was back on and I finally saw a message that power was expected to be resorted by 10am. So I suggest an early bedtime since we were in the dark. No problem. We chatted for a bit, I left the flashlight on while he fell asleep. Then went to bed myself.

Saturday morning we got up, still no power, and nothing really to eat. No coffee, couldn't get cold water from the fridge, no ice cubes, I didn't want to open the freezer. So we had some warm tap water, a granola bar, and waited. We played some board games, then around 10am I told him to get dressed. My parent's place still had power and they said Jackson could take his xbox out there. So by 10:30 we were on our way. I packed him a change of clothes, jammies and toothbrush just in case. It took and extra 30 minutes just to get out of the area because all the traffic lights were out. We picked up McDonalds on the way for everyone. My dad hasn't been feeling well, is on a bunch of medications and has been resting a lot. He enjoyed lunch though. After his nap I took my mom up to the grocery store and we picked up a chicken for dinner. I also got some bread, PB, honey and water drops. Also a bag of chips. Since we hadn't brought the dog I knew I had to go home after dinner.

Jackson stayed at my parent's place and I came home to the dark. I couldn't find one of the flashlights, so it was a dark, quiet night for me! I went to bed early. I had bread and PB for breakfast, and checked for updates. They were saying our power would be back on by evening. Around 1 I went back to my mom and dad's. I took a load of laundry, and stopped at Walmart to get a lantern, better flashlight, and taco stuff for dinner. After dinner, while mom and I were cleaning up, my sister called. Power was back on! Phew. I told kiddo we were going home, and there was a chance internet wouldn't be working. I also got the notice that schools were closed Monday, so no work or school. Long weekend!

We got home, hooked the xbox back up, and internet is working. So we have a nice evening at home and tomorrow I have to restock the fridge and freezers. A few things can be salvaged but others need to be tossed. Sad part is I just spent a bunch on groceries Friday... all gone. At least we ate the steaks for dinner that night!

Jackson really enjoyed being at my parents. He wished we lived there. They have a very neat, tidy, uncluttered bungalow. We have a messy, toy filled, very cluttered two story. So he's agreed that tomorrow we will start to put things away and declutter. Toys first. We have a lot of them that he doesn't play with so we'll get rid of them, even if they just get stored in boxes for now. Once stuff is put away perhaps we will be more comfortable here. Who knows.

I did miss some of my shows Friday night, they didn't get recorded and now I will have to watch them streaming and probably with commercials. Oh well. This whole thing has really made me appreciate electricity. The city has suffered greatly, the tornadoes destroyed homes near where we used to live. The electric depot nearby looks like it was attacked by missiles. It's been very frustrating but also pretty cool. So many people have offered so much. People I have never met offered me ice and a place to shower. I didn't accept but it's still very cool to see people so helpful during a crisis. Now that power is coming back on we are trying to be conservative, but man do I like being able to watch tv! and have lights on.

Silly Kid

Jackson played on his Xbox almost all weekend. Way too many hours, but it was SO hot out I couldn't really blame him for it. Some of his friends were playing as well so he was talking to them over his headset. My dad got it for him, though the one he ordered is going back and has been replaced with one that connects properly. He is playing a free online game, but you can pay to buy things for it. Things that don't really help with playing the game, just "look cool". I have a hard enough time paying the fees to play the game monthly, I don't want to spend the money on something that frivolous! Especially when I need to save every bit if I intend to move forward with donor eggs, or even IVF.

We were talking about the new stuff at Disney that opened this weekend, and how long the waits are. I told him maybe we'd be able to go next year if I don't have another baby. He mumbled something about having a baby. I asked him what he said. He then told me doesn't want a baby brother or sister, who we should call Sam because it could be a boy or girl name. I asked why, just so he could go to Disney again? He said that didn't matter, but if we have Sam then we will have to buy more food, and then he won't be able to keep playing Xbox. I asked if that was all, he said there were other reasons. He told me that a baby would mean the house would be messier, he would have to share the Xbox. It was kind of funny. Nothing about having to share me, or not be able to go on trips, just concern that the baby would mean less "stuff" for him.

I do know my kid is spoiled, he basically gets everything he wants. We are working on that. I am working on my budget, and setting money aside for me as well. I tend to not get new things for myself until I have to. I am much more particular about what I will spend the money on now as well. I can't control what my parents buy the boy, but I can make suggestions.

I am still considering what to do about number 2, but I still wish I could use my own eggs and just do an IUI or two, much cheaper. But of course a much lower success rate. I think IUI and IVF would probably be about the same success rate now, of course using donor eggs puts that up significantly.

For now, I am trying to lose some more weight, and save some money. I will be cleaning the house up as well. Though I am reluctant to get rid of all the toys, perhaps we can sort them out and select the "best" to keep. I also want to take some supplements for egg health, and I guess I'll need another appointment with the fertility clinic. I do wish it wasn't such a process to get in, or perhaps not such a long wait. When I make the decision I would like to be able to do something about it then and not wait 3 months, during which time I am more likely to change my mind. I guess changing my mind is not the best? I know I will have to talk to a psychologist before I move forward, perhaps that will help.

Regular days

Well Jackson is back at school, and I am back at work. All in all, I prefer vacations! It feels like I didn't have any time off. I think that's always the way it goes. I'm already planning the next vacation, though I am not sure what I'll be able to do. Since I want to have another baby, all my cruise plans have to be on hold. Zika is just too scary to deal with. I may be able to do a Disney trip as it is not there, but we'll see I guess.

I go to the fertility clinic on Tuesday. I am taking the whole day off, silly probably but I suspect I will have a lot to think over after the appointment, though I won't have had most tests done by then I am sure the doctor will have some information for me just based on my age and history. I hope he'll treat my thyroid as well, or I will have to go back to the family doctor for that. Someone on one of the forums I frequent posted this link to a calculator that gives you your chances of success, according to that, by 3 tries I should be at 40%, which seems high, but I cross my fingers that's right, or even better.

Work has been irritating. I work for a large government department and there are lots of divisions and teams. No one seems to get along or have the same end goal. We are working on a couple projects and I sent emails to let other areas know as they could benefit, well it blew up with so many people wanting to get there hands in there, and it should be so simple. But of course now it's not. And it bugs me! I do not seem to get along with people sometimes.

My kid seems to be similar. His teacher had to talk to me already. Apparently he's been touching other kids on the playground, so we had a chat about that. She also mentioned that in group work he sometimes has a hard time with kids he doesn't know well. She said he's very intelligent so when the other kids take some time to "get it" he gets frustrated. Yup. That's my boy! He is doing well in the split class I think, but I am concerned he will be bored next year. Hopefully it will work out. Who knows, we may be in a new school by then any way.

Speaking of homes, I am still torn on what to do. I'd love a brand new home. But the location of the one I like is not the best. So then I could go with a different builder, and a better location. But then what I want is all upgrades, so the price goes up and up. I could go with an older home, but then I want something that is perhaps further from the city, with a bigger yard, and I am not the best at yard work and such things. I guess it doesn't really matter too much now as I do have to get the money first.

All in all, life goes on! The weather is cooling off so that is nice. Jackson has busy weekends with swimming lessons, and playing with the neighbour girl. Evenings get to lazy, especially by Friday when we are both tired. And all the tv shows I like are slowly coming back with new episodes. Thank goodness I can tape them since bedtime seems to last longer than ever. But once asleep he does seem to sleep all night. And he's getting himself dressed in the morning after I wake him up. That's a good step.

Ah vacation!

Today was my last day at work for 6 weeks. I am so happy to be getting a break. Jackson is also excited. I hope he sleeps in tomorrow but I know he will at some point soon, it usually takes him a few days to relax into it. He's allowed to stay up a bit later as well, for now. I will have to take him to daycare a few days. I have an ultrasound for my possible hernia, and need to get blood work done. I am also hoping to get an appointment at the fertility clinic, but apparently that may not happen any time soon. I will call them next week to make sure they got the referral.

I have told Jackson that I may need to tell him I need a time out somedays, that I like to spend time alone (on my computer according to him...) so I will need some of that when we are on vacation together in order to be a good mommy. I think he understood, and I hope I can recognize when I need that time before I blow up, rather than when I've reached the end of my rope.

I will be trying to avoid too much time on the computer and technology. I'd like him to avoid too much TV as well. We'll see how well that goes! I know the first couple days will be much like a regular weekend. It will take us a few days to relax, it always does! I do hope I can remember to allow myself to enjoy the moments. I think that the length of time off will help me with that.

My plans are fairly simple, get enough sleep, eat more vegetables, be more active. We are not going anywhere, except possibly to my parent's at the end of the vacation. We will hang out at home some, go for a few nature walks, check out the local splash pads, and just generally try to have fun.

I've really enjoyed work the past few weeks. I have been working directly for my director as his executive assistant. I think if it was a different person it would not have been as good but he is very honest, open and allowed me some free reign with what needed to be done. I like being in the know, and seeing all the parts that come together instead of just one little bit of it. I have been told I'm "in training" to be a manager. Which is nice I suppose. There is a language component I am missing, but the opportunity for language training if I can show I am ready to be in that type of position. The problem I have is I am not sure I want it.

When I got my last promotion I wanted it. I knew I could do it, and I knew I could do as well as those who had that type of position before me. I am good at it too. I enjoy it. I am not sure I would like the added responsibilities of being in charge of other people. I mean I love power of course :-) but I don't think I want the job of staying late, working from home, being tied to a blackberry, doing extra work and dealing with people who annoy me. I'm just not that type of person. Ultimately, I think I would choose my family, another child, over the extra money and work. I mean of course extra money would be nice, but not worth my happiness, my child's happiness.

Kiddo is home

Well vacation is over :-)  He's home! I did not get nearly as much done as I wanted to but his room is reorganized and I think it looks good. He is happy to be home. He looked like he was going to cry when he saw me at the restaurant. He gave me a hug. He talked non-stop on the way home from there, except when he was close to falling asleep. Thankfully he did not fall asleep so that was good. He came back with two boxes of treats. Big boxes filled with Froot Loops, nutri grain bars, kool aid, freezies... and some cheese and radishes for me. He is now eating one of those freezies which are not quite frozen any more. But I guess they still taste good!

He seems to be in a good mood, I guess his sleep stores are replenished. He said that Nanny taught him it is good to pick up one type of toys before bringing out anther, and then to clean them all up at the end of the day before bed. You know, things I've been nagging after for years! But now he's going to do it because "everyone" agrees it's a good idea. Uh huh. We'll see how it lasts but I guess I'll cross my fingers!

I have a lot of cleaning and decluttering to do, especially since the houses I am looking at buying are smaller than this place, with a lot less room for boxes of stuff. Stuff I'm not quite sure about any more. We shall have to clean up the basement, which is a big project! There is a lot of stuff down there, it's where things get put when they aren't quite ready for the garbage but we don't really want them any more. I think some of the stuff down there will have to go in the garbage even if it isn't really garbage, I'm just not sure I can face trying to sell it or donate it.

The one place I think I've settled on buying is small, it's only two bedrooms. So I'm not sure it's really the best option if I want to have another baby. And there is no yard, but there is a balcony at least. I am terrible at yard work, I hate mowing the lawn, or gardening. I get big ideas but they fail to happen when I get overwhelmed by the actual steps. So I don't really want a yard, and if we are close to even a small park I think that would be enough. We barely use the yard we have here. Even when he had a play structure back there, he hardly used it. So it seems like a waste of money, $50K more at least to get a small yard, plus put a fence in. Ugh. I am looking at homes that are below what I think I'll be able to afford. I want to keep my mortgage etc as low as possible, so if that means buying something smaller I will probably do that. But I'm still wondering about schools, do I keep him here (and spend more on a home) to stay in the same school and daycare, or buy something cheaper, with a new school and hope we get a good before/after school situation. It's hard!

I haven't made it to the doctor yet but will at least in August, I have the time off and can send him to daycare at least for awhile so I can go during the day. It's hard to get evening or weekend appointments. Hopefully I'll be able to get the referral done, get the referral appointment and go for the blood work, before I go back to work. And hopefully my union finally signs a contract instead of talking about it (for 4 years now). That back pay will pay for a lot... even after they take half for taxes!

I'm happy my kid is home. TV has not yet been turned on. He's playing some toys. He made an aircraft carrier at my parents from some wood and cardboard. It is now a dock at the beach for his jet ski and kayak. I love his imagination. And his talking, it's non-stop. Certainly adds some noise! Hopefully I will be able to sleep better tonight now that he is home.

Taking Back Childhood

I've been reading a lot of books lately, mostly from the library, on raising kids. One I just finished is Taking Back Childhood by Nancy Carlsson-Paige and it was very interesting. Highly recommended.  I found a lot of the advice to be very timely. I know that we have too much stuff, that Jackson likes to play with lots of different toys but often needs help figuring out what to do. He constantly wants more, which has been a fight lately as I keep saying we can't afford this or that. He is starting to notice brands, though thankfully not really in terms of clothes. I guess because I grew up with advertising, and brand toys, I didn't know that this was all different before. I remember getting a cabbage patch doll when they came out, how my mom waited in the store for the skid of toys to be brought out and grabbing two (one for me, one for my sister) and we got what we got and were glad to have one. I don't think that happens as much nowadays, but there are still toys he sees that he has to have, or thinks he has to any way.

The book talks about helping kids make sense of the world, keeping consumerism down, helping kids play more. I love that it gives examples, especially ways to talk to kids off different ages. I had previously read Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, and find they work well together. It is about keeping myself calm and peaceful, and also keeping screen time down. The problem of course is that he loves his tv shows. I am glad that he still likes the shows aimed at younger kids, he isn't in to the super hero shows or some of the older kid stuff, yet. Still when he sees a commercial for a new toy he has to ask for it.

After our fight a few weeks ago, we have been having dinner together at the table, no tv on. I have been trying to encourage more play and less screen time as well. It is handy to turn it on and let him stare at the screen while I get stuff done (dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning... heck even some rest myself!) but we are cutting it down. It has been hot this past week, and this weekend, so a little less time outside simply because it's so hot out in the sun. Our backyard has no shade, and if we bike or walk to the park we are both exhausted by the time we get there. We are trying, but it's hard for both of us I think. Hopefully this will improve over summer. Our backyard also has a rotten fence the landlord is going to get replaced, but until then I am worried it will fall over while we are out there, it will fall in the neighbours yard but you never know with these things.

When Jackson goes to my parents next week, and stays for a week without me, I will be home and hope to declutter a lot. I will have an awful lot of time so plan to box up more than half his current toys, put them away for another time, and face the fallout when he gets home. I want to go through his books and everything, games, videos, all of it. But I do not want to just get rid of stuff, so we'll have to be able to store some for a bit. And of course it isn't fair if I only consider his things, so I'll go through mine as well.

The book clearly showed how childhood has changed since I was a kid, how kids are so exposed to advertising and media now. I can see it in him, there are things he does and says that would never have happened when I was a child, and it isn't because I am letting him get away with things, I haven't taught him these things! I see it in the other kids he plays with, and perhaps he is less mature than others, but he is a kid and I will work to keep him one for as long as possible. They grow up fast enough as it is.

We are both looking forward to summer. Jackson has a week at my parents, then 3 weeks at daycare. Then I am off for August, and hopefully he will still go a few days a week to daycare but I also hope we will do some fun stuff around town together, even if that is going to a splash park or to the local pools. He has swimming lessons every day for two weeks at the start of August, hopefully he finally figures it out. Otherwise we have no real plans. Sadly my back pay won't be coming for awhile, they are going back to the table (and hopefully we are not going on strike) so we won't be going on any big trips for awhile.

The rules and following through

After our big blow up on Saturday, with some new rules in place, the days have been a bit smoother. We still have some moments but it's only been a few days so an adjustment for both of us. I think he's surprised I've been following through. Yesterday the landlord was bringing some fence guys by to get a quote because the fence is falling over. They were to be here at 7:15, which is just before bedtime, so I knew it would be tricky. But I also know my son loves this stuff, and would want to be there. At 6:50 we came in from playing out front and he was mad at me for not letting him have a fruit roll up thing, so he called me stupid. That's one of the rules, no name calling, bad language, it means the TV get turned off. So I told him no TV. He cried! A lot. He tried to get the remotes so I put them on the fridge. He said he'd get them down, I said I'd remove the batteries. He then begged to watch Netflix instead, I told him that's still TV. So he hit me. And I took him up to get ready for bed. He got his teeth brushed and we read his story. He apologized and I told him he could come out with the men to see the fence, but right after would be bedtime with no play time. He said that was ok. I didn't want to have to fight for 10 minutes to keep him in his room and into bed. So it worked, mostly.

Tonight at bedtime he wanted to play with his toy, but we had discussed if he would play with his toy or have "talk about your day time" and he chose to chat. When he pulled out the toy I told him, nope. Keep it up and no TV tomorrow (which is mostly an empty threat since we'll be out all evening at the school for the end of year Fun Fare). He still didn't listen and so I said, ok none on Thursday either. He kept at it so I told him I was leaving the room and he was to go to sleep. He got upset and put the game away, then told me it was an accident, that he was trying to turn it off, not play with it... yeah that's what happened! I guess we'll see if I can stick with it over the next two nights.

I have started to exercise again, only 3 days in but I feel better about it. I get up early and do some cardio, do some weights/tonight when I get home from work, and yoga after kiddo is in bed. The yoga is only 10 minutes but it makes me feel good! The rest, we'll see. So far I'm getting a bit sore, which I guess is to be expected. I am also eating mostly better, though once I get groceries tomorrow that will improve a lot. I have a big list of veggies and things to pick up. I can't wait really.

Tonight we were talking about something, I don't even remember what, and he mentioned he thought I should "go to that bank" I got the "seed" from that made him so he can be a big brother... I had pretty much given up that dream, so I guess we'll see what happens. I am 41 now, and I was enjoying the thought of travelling, and getting a smaller home when we buy (hopefully next year!). But he doesn't want to travel any more, he doesn't like flying. We talked about how he would be in grade 7 when the baby would be starting school. Which is a big gap. Also for me, since I hope to retire at 55, I'm not sure I'd be able to do that with a 14 year old at home. That is crazy! Any way, more thinking required, I am not sure I can handle another child, some moments I wonder if I can handle the one I have! But of course we are together a lot with little to break that up, perhaps another person would be a good dynamic.

I am still enjoying reading the parenting books. One is talking about respecting the developmental stage of the child, which I try and do but sometimes it's hard, he just seems to be older than he is. I wonder if that is my fault, I talk to him like he is older than he is sometimes. He uses words that are bigger than I think he should. I guess it is my fault, he probably doesn't really understand the words all the time. He is smart, and he really wants to be "good" and not get into trouble. We are working on it, and I hope over the summer we'll have some revelations to improve our situation. Especially once we are on vacation in August.

Tempers

I am not sure if it's his age, or something else, but lately Jackson has been quite quick to anger, and it has me on edge, which makes me quick to anger as well. Even on our trip we both got angry at one another. I try to give him choices in things, but of course things like bedtime and going to school are non-negotiable. He has been using some bad words, and speaking in mean tones, I am used to him calling me stupid or an idiot if he doesn't get his way but it seems more and just beyond what I can tolerate. We had a big blow up today, I ended up carrying him to his room and holding the door closed while he banged on it and yelled at me from the other side.

It ended when I told him if his behaviour continues I will take action. And it ended in cuddles. It started when he asked me to fix a toy, I tried and it didn't work. He called the toy stupid, hit me, threw the toy, called me names, and tried to kick me. I told him the next time it happens the toy he's upset over will be going away. And if I hear it happens at school or daycare, any type of temper tantrum like that, no TV for the night. Which is honestly as much punishment for me as him.

I also told him he had to eat dinner with me at the table, which caused another melt down. He likes to eat in front of the tv. I like to read while I'm eating. Neither are good habits of course, but I've always liked to read while I'm eating. So it's hard for me to enforce something I don't really want to do. But I did it. For at least a few minutes and mouthfuls any way. We will stretch the time until he's at the table for the whole meal. I hope.

I have been trying not to yell. I try and follow Dr Laura Markham's Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids. But somedays... oh somedays I just lose it and yell. I can hear myself saying things to him that I know are not the right choice. I am sarcastic, and I do sometimes say things to him that he doesn't understand. I know I need to work on my own response. I think it is harder because there is no other adult here to step in, so if I am losing it, there is no backup, no way for me to escape. I have tried to walk away, he follows me.

I think I need to take better care of myself. I am trying, but it can be difficult to spend the energy on myself when it takes so much to keep us on track. I have not been getting up early enough to exercise, I know I need to. It makes me feel better and of course could help me lose some weight. I have been taking time after work, before I go get him from daycare. I feel guilty about it but he enjoys playing at the park with the other kids, they get outdoor time after school. He tends to not eat the daycare offered snack, so then is starving by the time I get him, and it takes longer to get dinner on the table. A whole hour extra I leave him there. And still when I pick him up he doesn't want to go. I guess that hurts. Well I know it does but it shouldn't? Why do the other kids run to their parents, happy to leave, and mine has a fuss and wants to stay. I must be doing this all wrong, maybe he's right and I am stupid.

Then later he will be loving and want cuddles and to be close to me. He doesn't want me to leave at bedtime, wants to talk then. I believe we are lacking some connection, I try and maintain it and build it but I guess I need to do more. I find it hard, I love my son of course! He is smart and funny, he is also very active, and wants to be with me and talking, all the time. I am a quieter person, I like to read and relax. I do things for him because I know he likes to. Like going to the park, I hate it, he loves it, we do it. And I also know I need to get that exercise back on track, when I am active I want to be active. How silly is that, yet that's the way it works.

So I am trying, trying to not yell, to walk away instead of losing my temper. I am going to get active, and focus on eating better, for both of us. And there will be consequences for his losing his temper with me. I am tired of being yelled at myself, and I do not like who I become when he treats me like that. I know he's 6, and he doesn't really understand, but if he doesn't learn it now, when will he?

I'm also reading, a lot. I got a few books from the library and have a few more ordered. All about conscious parenting, simplifying, and I am hoping it will all work out. One step requires getting rid of toys... Jackson has a lot of toys. Way too many. I know this. I find it frustrating and irritating. So while he goes to my parent's in July, I will be boxing up toys. I know he will be angry about it when he gets home. I am not throwing them out (except the broken ones or ones he has outgrown), so they will be in boxes or bins, stored away and to be exchanged with the ones I leave out. He can choose to swap them or I can to mix things up. I hope it will help keep the house clutter free. I will also be trying to declutter my own things, it's only fair after all.

Sleep and Monsters

Jackson has never been the easiest to put to bed. I think he's somewhat like me, his mind just keeps going and going so he has a hard time calming down and falling asleep. Lately he's been getting worse again, now it's monsters in his room. I don't know where he got the idea from, he hasn't really ever watched anything scary like that. He has also said that he is afraid a bad guy will come into the house and kill us all. Again, where does he come up with this stuff?

It's been a struggle to keep my own calm and hold my temper when all I want is for him to finally just go to bed. I tried telling him there is no such thing as monsters, which I'm given to understand is not helpful. I have gone on one "monster hunt". That worked for awhile. Then I gave him a special night light to scare the monsters away. That worked for a short time too. I know he has some stuff going on in his head that he needs to work out. I understand some of it because I have done the same thing. I get a thought stuck and cannot move past it until I either talk it out or write it down. He can't write yet.

I am going to find some kind of meditation or visualization for him to use at bedtime, not sure if it will help but I hope so. I know I need to do some of the same. I have been stressed lately, justified but still it makes my stomach hurt and my head sad. I have trouble getting a full night sleep, wake up more tired than when I started. And I know that it doesn't need to be this way.

So for now I will perhaps need to shuffle up our bedtime routine, start earlier, add in more talking during the day and evening. He needs to work through things. I suspect I need to turn off the TV. Which I should do any way, but it's hard and he likes it. I know some things we need to do more of, and some less. I do feel like I can barely take care of myself right now, how can I take care of him as well? I guess I need to just do it.

That 19 kids show...

I have to admit, I love the show.  I'm not sure why, I mean they are not at all like my family, and I couldn't live like that.  I think it has to do with the fact the kids are so well behaved, well they seem to be at least lol. Every time I watch the show I want more babies... though I don't want a husband :-)  I told a friend, if I won the lottery, and won the big $50 million, I would have lots of kids.  I would like to have more even without winning the lottery lol, but probably not 19. 

They have some interesting ideals, but they also do some interesting things.  I mean besides all the travelling, they do play and have fun, and they are free to be kids.  Well the younger ones any way.  The older ones I think spend too much time taking care of the little ones.  I do think it's pretty amazing they have no debt, won their home and manage to be frugal, though I guess they have little choice in that, well perhaps now they do since they have the show and makes them quite a bit of money I'm sure.

I love that they do so much together as a family, and am jealous of the home schooling, and the number of kids :-)  But I couldn't do what they do, and I would do some things differently.  I have learned somethings from watching though, and find it fascinating.

In general I watch too much TV, and am on the computer/internet too much.  I let Jackson watch more than he should too, it's only recently that he is actually sitting and watching though.  And usually more so when he's tired.  I find it hilarious when he gets really into the shows and starts dancing and singing along, super cute!  Gosh I love that little boy.

I wish that I could follow some of the money ideas that the TV family, they seem to be really good at not spending too much (buying crap) and saving money.  I have managed to save buying new tires for my car, I was told if I get them rotated they should last at least another year... so that's $30 instead of $500... big savings!  But I do buy too much crap.  Stuff we don't need that I have to have.  My son has too many toys, I swore I wouldn't do that but I buy him things because I think he's so cute, and maybe he'll like it.  Books are ok, he can have lots of those.  I do love to read to him, and see him get it, understand what we're looking at, start to know what the letters and pictures are of.  But I have a lot of room for improvement. 

Why I can't watch TV

I used to watch TV all the time, all kinds of shows, sad shows, scary shows, funny shows.  But now, since having Jackson, I can only watch the happy shows.  If there is a kid in it, I really can't watch.  I used to love Private Practise.  But I can't watch that at all now.  Ever.  Even Grey's Anatomy has me in tears.  The only things I watch now are comedies, and my sci fi shows lol.  Everything else makes me cry.

I just finished watching the end of an episode of House.  I saw the preview and it was about a sick baby, so I didn't plan to watch at all.  But there was nothing else on so I flipped over.  The mom basically gave her baby skin cancer while in utero and baby was dying.  The end result was that mom could save the baby by waiting 9 days for treatment for her cancer, or have the baby go through chemo.  Mom did exactly what I would do, save my baby!  No matter the cost to me.  All in all it was sad. 

Now I'm watching Income Property, which is much happier lol, a couple buys a house and wants to renovate their basement so they can have a rental suite in the basement.  Much better.  No babies, no one is sick, no one is dying.  Nothing bad happens.  This is the type of show I watch now. 

Since having my son I cry over things that didn't used to bother me.  Reading the news, watching the news, I can't do that any more.  I live in a little bubble of not wanting to think about bad stuff happening to anyone.  Don't get me wrong, I've always been an "emotional" person, able to cry at the drop of a hat.  I get upset, I cry.  I get angry, I cry.  I'm really happy, I cry.  But I notice now that it's changed, I am somewhat able to handle my own emotions now, though I do still cry, I try not to do it in front of the baby.  I have had my moments of course, when he had colic really bad and all I wanted was some sleep, I cried then.  But it is much less than it used to be.

TV though, that gets me every time.  Heck I cried during a cooking show where people lost challenges and had to go home... yeah.  So this is why I can't watch tv any more.