Rough days

We had a nice long weekend at my parent's place. Jackson enjoyed staying up late, getting spoiled, spending time with my dad doing sporty things. I had an ok time, I'd prefer to be home really. It is nice to not have to cook and such things but it's not my house.

Sadly this was the last trip for poor Riley dog. He has been having some stomach issues, not eating as much as normal, throwing up sometimes, but I chalked it up to the cheaper food I was feeding him, and the "snacks" he stole from the cats and kiddo. He was fine at my parent's place, did his usual thing, but when we got home Monday he was not acting like himself. I thought perhaps he was car sick. I got a gravol in him, and he drank some water. Yesterday he was still not eating, and when I got home he had thrown up on the floor, again! The power went out right before I got Jackson from daycare so we went over to McDonalds for supper, got home around 6 and the power came back on. Riley was lying by the front door, and then in the kitchen. At bedtime I put Riley outside while I took Jackson up to bed. When I came down he was lying in the far corner of the yard, I called him over but he wouldn't come. I went over and picked him up because he couldn't seem to stand or walk. I brought him to the deck by the back door and grabbed my phone. I called my parents then my sister. I needed her to come and watch Jackson so I could get the dog to the vet, he was struggling on the deck. I called the vet right after hanging up with my sister, they closed in ten minutes so I knew we wouldn't make it. And as I was speaking to them Riley basically took his last breath. That was it. Crazy and so sad. I can't believe he just died like that. I didn't think he was that sick. I mean he's been like this before and been fine. But now he's gone. I had him cremated but did not want the ashes back.

The part that makes me feel bad, is really that I was planning to get rid of him this summer. I knew I needed to do that, and was procrastinating. As I tend to do. I feel very guilty, that he suffered in the end. That I am somehow relieved that he is gone. Jackson is a very practical kid. I told him this morning that I had sad news, that Riley had died and gone to heaven. He thought about it for a moment and then said it was sad but that there was good news too. We still have two cats, we won't have to have a dog trying to lick us, or poop in the yard, or steal our food. So he's ok about it. I told him Riley would be cremated (turned into dust and ashes) and spread over a field of flowers. This is very interesting to him. The place I had him taken to does a ceremony to spread the ashes in the summer, but I don't really want to go.

So like me.

I find it interesting that every so often my little boy is so much like I was a child, so much like his mother. I don't think it has to do with the way he is being raised but rather something innate, something inside of him. My mother gave me a bunch of photos of when I was a baby, and as a baby he looked exactly like me. Kind of scary. Now he has so many of my traits. It doesn't really make it any easier to understand him, or deal with him, or hold my temper when he drives me nuts, but it does make me smile sometimes.

Like me he is a scaredy cat. As a child I was the one who could not watch anything scary without having nightmares and not being able to sleep. Even up to recently I need to be tucked in with the blankets, for fear of something "under the bed". He is the same, he tucks himself all in to keep safe. I didn't teach him that, he came up with it on his own. He refuses to watch anything with a bad guy in it, even Disney movies. Though for some reason he really likes Big Hero 6, which is odd as I've never watched it. He saw it at a birthday party once. He refuses to watch Cars or even Planes, though he has seen that once in theatres. He will watch anything with dinosaurs in it, even scary documentaries where the adults end up eating their young! Crazy kid like that.

He is also a perfectionist. He doesn't like to try something if he isn't really good at it, right away. He won a big basket at a school raffle, I bought him 3 tickets and he chose which ones he wanted to try for. One was filled with candy and the other two were filled with outdoor toys, he won a toy one thank goodness!  It had a badminton set and a horse shoe game, among lots of bubbles, sidewalk chalk, skipping ropes and balls.  We tried out the badminton and horseshoe games. He of course has never played before and so wasn't the best. He got very upset that he couldn't "get a ringer" or hit the birdy. I think this is also why he doesn't want to try and learn to pedal his big boy bike. He loves his balance bike because he is good at it, the other one he gets upset with. I am the same way, I don't like to do new things. But as an adult I have forced myself to do so, and I hope that I am enough for him, telling him that he has time to learn and the important thing is to try and have fun. It's why in gymnastics he doesn't want to do somersaults, he isn't very good at it.

He hates when people are upset with him. He has been quite upset at school because his teachers "yell at him all the time".  I sent a note to them, and we spoke about it. He has been very difficult during any transitions. And while I understand he doesn't like to do something else when he is having fun, obviously he needs to do these changes. He will be in grade 1 in the fall, he needs to do what the class is doing. Hopefully our discussion has helped and he is doing better. Again, I have the same trait which I work hard to overcome. I have even noticed that when we are rough housing, as you are supposed to do with children (tickle fights and such) if he hurts me by accident he is very upset that I am made at him, though I do explain that getting hurt is not a nice thing of course, when we apologize for an accident, we don't need to feel so badly. Obviously he knows not to hurt people on purpose, but to say sorry when it's an accident. Hopefully he will learn not to take things so much to heart.

He is growing up so fast, as kids tend to do. He likes sports, he likes to learn, and he likes to play. He is all boy, but cautious, taking care even at the park not to climb too high. He really wants to be able to read, but isn't quite there yet. He is very good at math, anything with numbers, and even learning french in school. I can't believe he's almost done with kindergarten.

His giant basket prize

Easter weekend

Another Easter weekend is done. We went down to visit my parents, of course. We drove down Thursday evening. I picked him up right after school and we stopped for dinner on the way down. It was a nice visit, we haven't been there since Thanksgiving in October so it's been 6 months or so since we saw them. I think Jackson has grown a lot since we were last down, he had fewer tantrums but still has some quirks my parents are not used to. He does not sit at the table to eat, he prefers to come and go. When he gets upset it can be a little difficult for them. He also likes to pick his nose, which they hate. I ignore because I have better things to fight over than where his finger is. Besides which, if we make a point of pointing it out, he tends to do it more. I am pretty sure the other children in his class do the same thing, and he'll grown out of it eventually... why stress over it?

My mom made a comment about how my nieces spent a week alone there every summer from when they were like 3, and he's 5 now. But he is not the girls, he is loud and talks a lot and is picky about eating, and sleeping, and he is a BOY. I am not sure I want to drop him off with them for a week, he was interesting because he loves being down there, but we'll see what he really thinks about it closer to the summer. Perhaps it will work out, but maybe not.

He also managed to get a bit sick down there, Sunday morning he woke up crying, saying his tummy hurt, and his head. After finding all the eggs, with plenty of stops for breaks because he was so tired, he went back to bed! He never does that. And of course all the medicine we had down there had expired so mom had gotten rid of it and not replaced it. On Easter Sunday, I had to drive 30 minutes each way to find a store that was open where I could get some medicine for him. One dose was all it took, he rested a bit longer then was raring to go. Soon as he started talking, you knew he was feeling better.

It was a nice weekend any way. The drive home was frustrating, people cannot drive! Do not go in the passing lane if you are not actually passing someone!  And the weather, it started raining, which turned into snow as we got closer to home. By the time we got on the 416 it was snowing a lot, and that road is very slippery, so we had to slow down quite a bit. But we made it home. The cats were happy to see us, and everything was as we left it. Happy to be home, no groceries in the house, and back to work tomorrow.  Lovely! I'll be stopping at the store on the way home I guess.

School

Today was an assembly at Jackson's school, and he won an award for justice. Apparently they give out awards every month for various Catholic values (it's a Catholic school so that makes sense). This month was his turn, and he was very excited. I managed to take the day off work so I could attend. I didn't need the whole day, but I took it any way. Worth it from my perspective, I got to sleep in a bit, do some groceries and things without help, and then go to the assembly. Jackson wanted to sit with me, but was told he had to wait until after he got his award. He was quite upset and cried at that, I wasn't sure why, he was a bit more upset than he should have been. After he got his award he came to sit with me, and whispered with me. He told me he fell in gym and hit his head, so I asked him to show me where, and he did. Then I felt a huge bump! Which was very tender to the touch. So that explained why he was so upset. I was a little upset myself, no one had said anything to me, I think they should have called over something like that. I mean he doesn't have a concussion, but it must have been a nasty fall for such a bump.

I made him go ask his teacher if he could leave, and she came to talk to me. She said she didn't feel his head because he wasn't crying by the time she got to see him, only that the gym teacher had gotten him an ice pack. He had told her it didn't hurt any more. I made him put some ice on it when we got home, and he did rest quite a bit, but he wasn't nauseous or anything, and given he has had a concussion before I am well aware of the symptoms. I am sure he will be better tomorrow. He did have a hard time falling asleep because he couldn't get comfortable on his head. He was trying to fall asleep on his stomach so he wouldn't make his head hurt. Poor kid.

It was also crazy hair day. So yesterday we bought some purple (washable) hair dye, and he loved having purple hair for the day. He had to have a bath tonight, and get it washed out of course, which I had to do extra gentle. He's had a few special days to raise money for a charity over lent. Two weeks ago was pajamas day. He has to donate $2 but it's worth it. I am proud of me for remembering and getting it done. It is kind of funny because I drop him off to daycare quite early. and there are the usual kids who get dropped off that early as well. On pajama day and again today, another mom dropped off her son and didn't remember that it was a special day. I'm not sure what she did today but last time she went home to get him pajamas. I'm sure it's terrible of me but it makes me feel better that I did remember. I'm sure I'll have my moment to forget as well.

I ordered a pack of OPK & HPT's today. Spent the money so I better use them. I ordered CoQ10 on the weekend but there was a delay with shipping so it won't arrive this week, I bought a small bottle at the store today to tide me over. I want to get started. Now if I could just really give up the sugar... why does it have to be so sweet and yummy ???

A project

Since my cat passed away while I was on vacation I have really been missing him. It's a bit silly I guess, I mean he was a cat. But he was such a good one, he was the one who cuddled with me and played, and was the first to come greet me at the door. I am on a waiting list to get a new cat. Yes I am going to a breeder, I have rescued pretty much all my other cats and just want one from a breeder, with a guarantee and the breed I want. I should be getting my new ocicat kitten in 3 months or so, not sure if it will be a boy or a girl, but it will come with shots, well socialized and already fixed.

In the meantime, I am focusing on the two cats who remain. Snickers is 7 and very overweight. I've put him on a diet, actually they both are I suppose. I switched them to wet/canned food instead of dry, though they do still get a bit because when I go away for long weekends it is much easier to deal with. So far he has lost 7 ounces, in about a week. That's around 2% of his body weight, so a bit quick for a cat, but he is still doing well. He is actually starting to play more, and interact with Elsa. Elsa is doing well, she is crazy playful and I usually wake up with her cuddled right beside me now. She will be a year old in a month.

The funny thing about my cat losing weight is that he is doing it faster than I am. And I am trying. I do have a lot more energy now, I want to workout. I get up before 5 and do a workout. I enjoy it, I actually want to do it! It feels good and pumps me up for the day. Even when I get home from work, I want to do more! It's weird and kind of nice. I am so anxious for the weather to improve so Jackson and I can get out biking, and hiking. I do need a new bike, but hopefully I can get one early and we can go on adventures.

Joshua and Elsa

Snickers with Elsa, Joshua in front

Planning

I'm in planning mode. Planning for this summer, planning for what I want. I am hoping to take 5 or 6 weeks off this summer, to spend with kiddo while he enjoys spending time with me. During that we will of course visit my parents, go the beach, and hopefully do an overnight train trip to Toronto to go to the Royal Ontario Museum to see the dinosaurs, just like Jackson's favourite tv show (one of them any way!).  That will be in August though, so lots of time until then.

Mean time I am getting on with my "lose weight, get moving" plan, and am focused on losing some weight. I would like to get to a "normal" weight but I will be happy with baby steps in that regard. I have started working out in the morning, early, and am actually enjoying it. Though it's difficult to get up, especially this week after the time change. But the weather is also improving so hopefully I will be able to get out for walks and such soon. I have to admit, the weight training is a bit of a pain! I know it's the best for me but ouch, my muscles hurt! I am so out of shape :-)  working on that!  Diet being such a big part of losing weight I have also improved that. All the usual things, more veggies, taking lunch, making meals, reduced processed food.

And then the supplements. I am taking quite a few! I ran out of CoQ10 which I have ordered and hopefully it come soon so I can restart that. I am hoping that it will all lead to improved health, and better eggs. I plan on going to my doctor for a referral after Easter, by then I hope to have lost 10 pounds (from when I started) and be "in the zone" in terms of eating and exercise. I believe it will take a few weeks to get in to see the fertility clinic. At that point I imagine there will be testing, which will take a month or so, depending when in my cycle I am for blood work. Then I will know where I am. And hopefully while I am off for those weeks in the summer I will be able to make at least one attempt at an IUI. It is a long wait, I have reasons for wanting to wait that long, including just timing of when baby 2 would be due. But if the doctor says it's too late, or almost too late, or something like that, perhaps it will be sooner.

I am 40, my son is 5. He'll be 6 when I have a second kid! Is that crazy? I have read that it can be good, he will be old enough to want to help, and be able to take care of himself to a certain extent. Plus he'll be in full day school, so I would be on mat leave with baby home alone during the day. See, already planning mat leave and I haven't even gone to the doctor yet!  Crazy.

Of course I have very little left from when Jackson was a baby, no crib, no car seat, no high chair, nothing like that. I think I still have the baby bath I used, and one or two of the toys. I will know what I need this time though, and not to get things that I may just want. I know new baby will sleep in my room for at least the first 6 months to a  year, then I think the two will share a room for awhile. Planning before I even see the doctor. Can you tell I've thought about this a lot? Just haven't been able to commit. Now I'm ready. I only hope it's not too late.

Decisions. Or Not.

We have been home awhile and I am still adjusting to my cat being gone. I don't really get it but I miss him a lot. I will be getting another one, probably in a few months. For now, we have enough pets. One of my cats is rather over weight. I have put him on a diet. Really I switched him, and the other cat, to canned food.  So far he has lost a few ounces, which is a good, slow, rate. They aren't too happy that the dry food has gone away, but they are adjusting and enjoying the canned stuff. When we go away, like at Easter, they'll get dry but hopefully they won't complain too much.

I have been making an effort to get healthier myself. Clean up the eating, and start exercising. I did 3 good workouts this past week, at 5 am. Because if I don't get up and do it, I won't do it at all. Thursday kiddo got up at 5:15 and it took me 10 minutes to get him back to bed, so I only did half a workout. Friday I was just tired, and skipped it. Bad. Next week is going to be rough, with the time change. But hopefully I will be able to get it done! I started with cardio, but am thinking weights would be a better choice, perhaps some circuit training which gives the benefits of both. We'll see I guess.

The weather is supposed to start warming up, I can't wait! I want to get out for walks, and perhaps bike rides. I think I need a new bike, and to remember how to ride it. I want to get out, be active! I was looking at taking a class, but it's quite hard to find the time, and a babysitter. I have taken Jackson to Kids Night Out twice now, he really likes it. His little friend is there. The kid from school I do not like. It would be a good time to do something for me. But of course I can't find a class nearby that I am interested in. So last time, I got my hair cut. And I could look at doing some massages. The evening is tricky though. I have booked one for next weekend when Jackson has a birthday party to attend. Oh, we still need to get a gift for that. Ugh.

In addition to the moving, and eating better, I am back on my plethora of pills. I need to get some CoQ10, but otherwise I am taking a handful of pills at breakfast and dinner. All in the name of trying to save my eggs. My poor, 40-year-old eggs. I'm not even sure I want to use them. That I want to move ahead and attempt to have a second kid. I mean Jackson will be 6 by the time a second would arrive. That's a big difference. I really should have done it sooner. Which is part of why I want to do it at all now. I feel I will regret it if I don't at last try. I already have regrets that I haven't already done something.

There is always an excuse, it's expensive, I'm in bad shape, overweight, I had the whole gallbladder thing. Jackson was having some issues when school started and I didn't want to go through that again. Daycare, it's expensive and tricky, and do I want to deal with that? Work, I'm finally in a good position, will this kill my chances of moving up more? Travel, we won't be able to take another trip for a long time, no Disney! No more cruises or beaches for at least 5 or 6 years. Is it worth it to mess that up? To mess up our lives? But I also think having another person in our family would be a good thing, that we are far too "attached" and need another person to break it up. I love my kid, I love that he loves me. I think I need to make the effort, at least get checked out, and try.