November

 A new month. So far, we've had snow followed by a week of high teens (Celsius). Weather is messed up but I am glad the snow is gone. It did remind me I need to get boots for Jackson. Normally I'd remember because of school but with him not going, it hasn't been on my mind. I think he'll need new snow pants as well, because I bet he will want to do something outside this winter. I have already started Christmas shopping as well, and since I get paid this week I'll do a little more towards that. We got a new tree, bought on Halloween, and I want to pare down the ornaments so we only keep one bin of stuff. The more I can get rid of, the better! Perhaps I will move in spring, or maybe not, who knows. 

Of course, as with the rest of the world, we watched the election results from the states. It was fascinating to watch, and lead to many interesting conversations. Comparing the way an election happens in the US to Canada. I'd call that a really good social studies lesson. With the results, I do feel a bit more hopeful we will be able to travel to Disney again someday. Not sure when, still have to watch covid cases come down, and the border to open, but someday. 

Unschool has been going ok. He is learning, which is always good to see. I wish it was more of what I think is important but that isn't really the point of this so we will keep going. Not sure what will happen next year, I don't think he'll want to go. And I am also not sure where we will be living. 

I have choices to make, so many things I want and wish for, not enough time and money for all of them. I seem to be terrible at making a choice and sticking to it! Follow through. Perhaps I have a bit of ADHD myself... I am trying to focus on the things that don't require a choice, that could lead in any of a number of directions. So, declutter more, get rid of some more stuff. Including the basement. I also need to get back on track with eating healthier and moving more. I have been very lazy lately. I did walk the dog a bit this weekend with the nice weather, but I fell off the exercise wagon hard. I need to start back on my walking, even 20 minutes a day would be good. I know I can do it. 

Cleaning up, getting rid of things, can be helpful if we decide to move, or stay, or add to the family. That's why it's important to me right now. I have maintained about 90% of what I did last year with the declutter lady. Some things are messy again, but it would be easy to tidy up if people were coming over. However I have not made any further progress really. Though I did do a bit of work upstairs in the guest room, mostly because kiddo wanted to put his computer in there. Which lasted about a month. 

My own health, well that is important regardless of what I want to do in the future, if we want to travel I will be fit and better able to do more. If we want to add to the family, I'll be in better shape to do that. If we just want to be more active, I'll be able to do that. Though I still don't like sports. I'll be buying more groceries this week, healthy things that will hopefully lead to healthy meals and not ordering in. I still don't like cooking. 

Less than two months to the end of this weird year. I wonder what 2021 will hold? hopefully calm and health. 

August 2020

It's August. Normally around now I'd be celebrating the start of my holidays, looking forward to 5 weeks of time off. This year is different, no vacation plans this summer, we're home any way so no day camps. No swimming lessons, nothing really planned. I am off this weekend, extra long with a couple extra days off. I'll have a few days off the week before school starts, I may move them depending on the actual start date. Facebook keeps reminding me that I'm normally enjoying time off, but I am holding strong and waiting to use the vacation days either when we move or in the winter, should travel again be an option. Unlikely but I'm always hoping! 

An interesting development the past few days. Kiddo has not been playing any video games. On computer or xbox. His choice. He says his laptop is not broken but I haven't checked. He is still watching videos, and hanging out in the tent we got him a few years ago from Ikea. As a result, it's like he has matured over night. He is helpful, we have good conversations, he is learning some cooking skills. And while he's had one or two mild blow ups, it is nothing like what it normally is. I have proof that those darn games are horrible on his brain. Imagine if he gave up the youtube! 

While school is due to start in early September, either the 3rd or 8th depending on what they tell us, we are starting to plan for it. We will go get him new runners a week or so before, my parents offered to pay for them. We will also need some more pants for him, he's growing taller and taller. I am not sure how much longer he'll be in kid clothes to be honest. He is catching up to me in height! We have a dozen or so masks for him to use in school, and I will make sure he has hand sanitizer to take even though they will have a sink in the class room. I think he'll need some new pens and such as well, though it appears almost everything will be done on chromebooks. He has his own, thank goodness, so he'll be able to take that daily and use it. He wants a mouse with it as well, which shouldn't be a problem. We have a corded one he can take but I may get him a cordless one to use. 

Still trying to get my steps in every day, keep up the exercise, but it's gotten hard with some heat waves we've been having. Today I did walk the dog and kiddo came with us! Which was super great and I was really happy he came with us. He rode his bike, walked it at a few points. I think the exercise was good for all of us. 

A month until schools restart, what a strange year this has been. 

Happy Belated Canada Day

I have realized, after having 5 days off in a row, that perhaps I should have booked some summer vacation. It was nice, to sleep in, to watch a lot of TV and such. It was nice to not get up early and do as I wanted through the day. I don't tend to workout as much though. I find the days I work, I am reminded to get up and move more so I get more steps in, and often need to step away from the work to do a short workout. I love the being able to sleep in, but I am mostly glad I am saving my vacation days for when life returns to "normal" and we are able to travel again. One other thing, I have saved so much sick leave. Normally I use it up almost as fast as I accrue it. I get migraines and have only had a couple since lock down began, I wonder how much of a part the lighting at work plays. Possibly hormones as well, since I also have still not had a period since Disney last August (which has been awesome, though sad at the same time). 

For Canada Day, we didn't even leave the house. Well, I did go get us cold drinks, an iced coffee for me and a slushy drink for him. There were no fireworks, no big celebration. I guess it's good it wasn't the 150 or something? To be honest, we don't really have a lot of plans for the whole of summer. I am bribing him to do some work during the week, which so far has not worked very well. It's pretty easy stuff, I would like to know he is up to speed when school restarts, depending on what that even looks like.

I am very glad that the main floor got decluttered in December, it has made a big difference in being able to enjoy the space a bit. I want to do more work upstairs but keep procrastinating, getting started is the hard part. It needs to be done though. The basement as well but we don't use that as much. It would be nice to get it done so we can move if we choose to, though the places I was looking at moving to are going to probably be out of my budget. And I may miss the backyard? Well the dog will miss the backyard, he loves chasing the bunnies out there. The places aren't quite as close to the walking trail, but not too far. And the park is right there. Hopefully that will open up soon, actually living right there beside it would be hard to resist. 

I have been walking, and working out. And my knees are feeling it. I guess I should have worked to lose more weight before trying any jogging. But the jogging does really feel good in the moment. It makes me feel strong and like I can do anything. The workouts I have been doing also make me feel strong. Though the first few days I also felt sore! It was kind of nice to feel like I had done something. And it improved, I got better at it. In only a few days. 

The province is still slowly moving forward, things have been reopening. I can walk into McDonalds now to order take out, which is nice for us. It's closer to walk than drive. I wear a mask, it makes it easier! Though of course that could kick me in the butt if I don't stick to the points. I hope the city pools open sooner than later, we love to go swimming and it would be nice when the weather is so hot. If the water park doesn't open I will look at going to the one in Quebec, though it's not as nice. We do need some things to do, to get him off the computer and moving would be nice. He has been playing with a friend, but not everyday. That's ok, somedays are better than others.

I have no idea what fall will bring, school's should open to some extent, and if not, well, it will be really hard to get him to do anything. I think if that happens I will have to really step up the bribes, or something. Some fights have not been worth it. My goals are to help him stop breaking things, and learn some emotional control over his anger. I have no idea if we will accomplish that over the summer or not! It would also be really nice if he could fall asleep on his own without me sitting there. Those are my goals for him. My goals for me are all about my health, losing weight, eating better, moving more. And controlling my own temper as well. He does know how to push my buttons. I know that to manage better, I need to take care of myself better. So the walking and exercise are key there. It has been really hot, so the walking has to happen early or very late. Somedays, it's too hot for the dog even early. I do go out myself those days. The dog gets to play fetch in the house and run around inside, thankfully he is small enough that is seems to be just enough. 

I am also working on myself and letting go of what I can't have. I have to let go of my big family dreams. I know it's not practical, I know it doesn't make financial sense. I know my body is done so the choices would be expensive. In my head, I know. In my heart? Oh I wish I could have two more kids, I wish we could be a big family. I have buried my dream in trips instead, and now that trips are off the table for awhile, it brings the family dream back around to my heart. Could I adopt? I don't know. I don't even know that I would really want to be pregnant again, it was not a good experience the first time. So my head should win this battle and perhaps convince my heart what to do, or I guess not do in this case? 

As for the trips, we have two cruises booked in December, but given the mess that the US is at the moment, in particular Florida, I have no idea if we would even be able to travel there. I'm not sure I want to! There is also the November election, what impact that could have. So perhaps we will try an all inclusive this year instead. Or spend another winter in the cold. Hey, if I don't have to drive to work maybe it wouldn't be so bad? And hopefully this work from home thing will be the way going forward, at least most of the time, with perhaps going in to the office on occasion? Honestly? I'd be totally ok with that. And given it looks like kids will only be in classes maybe two days a week, if that, it is probably going to be the way for at least the next school year. 

Tick Tock Time

Only a couple official weeks of school, even though kiddo has not done any work since this started, he will be far behind next fall. There isn't really much I can do about it at this point. I hope he will agree to do something before school restarts but I'm not holding my breath. My dad bought him a laptop. I am not sure why, but at least he isn't using mine any more. He has it up in his room, we'll have to see how well this goes. He has a tendency to break electronics. The camera on his cellphone is cracked. I could replace the phone, I did buy a plan with it so it can be replaced twice a year, but the phone itself still works, so I'm reluctant to do so. I'm kind of waiting for something bigger to go wrong.

Ontario has moved to phase 2, and so we can expand our circle to up to 10 people, so we can officially visit my parents. We're going next weekend for Father's Day. Not sure if my sister will be there as well, I suspect she will. It will be nice to see people again. We can go for haircuts and such, but I did my own so I'll leave it at that for now. I can wait at this point. Pools aren't open... yet, but they can be so hopefully the city will get a plan out there so we can go swimming again! I know it is something Jackson really enjoys. I am hoping the water park will open this summer, but am reluctant to get a season pass, so we'll have to hope it will be easy enough to be able to go. We enjoyed it last summer, and the two at Disney as well. He does love his water slides. 

I've been doing a lot of walking, jogging and other exercise. Trying to eat better, but still haven't really lost much weight. Oh well. I am feeling better, healthier, more energy. I get up and workout before work, and also do a walk in the morning, then again either after work or after dinner, depends on how tired I am. Since I am still only getting 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night, and I really do need more. But I don't like going to bed right when kiddo does, I like a bit of me time after he's in bed. Now that he is on his computer in his room though, perhaps I will get enough time alone and be able to go to bed at a decent time. We'll see!

Time is a strange beast now, we've been off school for so long, working from home and isolated so long. It will be 6 months from his last day until back to school. It's all a bit crazy. The world sure changed fast. Which is good, but also feels a bit artificial, like any moment I will wake up and this will all be over. It feels like the world is still turning but holding it's breath on what will come next. I watch what's happening in other countries and have to admit, I have some worry. 

We have two weeks of cruises booked for December. I am hopeful we can go on them, but also worry that perhaps I shouldn't do it. Not entirely because of COVID. I am considering instead going to an all inclusive, perhaps in January or February. It will depend on if we have to isolate for two weeks when we return, in which case December would be better since we'll probably have two weeks off at Christmas. Though if I can work from home, it wouldn't matter too much for me, just for him missing school. I will continue to watch and see what happens with flights and everything else. I am determined to cruise again though. The all inclusive would have to have water slides, and a beach. I worry he would be bored, but I would be fine with a book (or ebook) and a beach. I am sure we'd manage any way. 

I have a bunch of alarms set, to remind me which days I have to work, which days I have to get up early, when I need to make sure and start dinner. Days, weeks, months are all blurring together. We are comfortable enough here, and the weather seems to be nice enough. I am focusing on the exercise and trying to eat better. I am hoping that in 3 months when I go back to work everyone will be surprised. Even though I know no one will really notice. I am trying to do this, I want to be fit and healthy, I want to be thinner and be able to wear pretty clothes. To feel comfortable. I will get there. 

3 Months

Schools here are officially not returning until fall. The plan for that reopening will be provided before the end of June. I'm anxious to see what they plan on doing. I have no idea how they can have all those kids in a classroom together, so we'll see what happens I guess. No way will online learning work for my kid. He has refused to do anything so far, and I can't face the fight over it. I wish it was different, but I just can't have that fight. We have enough other fights. 

Since I won't be sending Jackson to summer camps, not even sure if they will be running, I will be working from home all summer. It will be 3 more months of "this". This boredom for my son, this yelling and frustration over video games and YouTube. He worries, he wants to be able to do things, but he's also afraid to leave the house or do any of those things. 

We went to visit my parents last weekend, I was at my end and needed a break. So did he really. He spent the night with them, and did a bunch of work for my dad. They fed him well, he slept eventually, and he missed me, but when he got mad the next day he says he didn't. I missed him, it was strange to be home alone. I watched some movies, went to bed early, woke up at 3:30 with a migraine. Slept until 9 after that. I had 3 texts from him when I woke up, he woke up at 6:30, 7 & was eating breakfast at 9. He wanted to let me know he was having 5 pieces of bacon. 

Sunday I started working out again, and have been getting up and doing a workout before work everyday this week. Plus then walking the dog before it gets hot. It is so motivating to have it done early, I get my steps in and it's just done! It has helped me keep on track, though today has been worse, I ate some stuff at dinner I shouldn't have. There were 3 ribs left and some pasta, I didn't want to waste it. Otherwise I was on track. I'm even drinking water! Hopefully I will see a loss on the scale this weekend. 

The weather this week has been crazy hot. It is supposed to get back to normal which will be nice. My hair has been driving me nuts, so I cut it. Hairdressers are still not open here and at the rate we are going it will be July before they are. I couldn't wait that long. I think it looks pretty good, especially considering I did it myself. I'll go back to the hairdresser when I can. Maybe. Perhaps I will just keep doing it myself, save some money! The dog is able to go for grooming as they have reopened, but they are booked solid so June 24 is the first appointment I could get! Crazy. He will be in desperate need by then for sure. Another reason to keep him out of the heat. 

Since we will be home all summer, and I'm not sure if pools will even be open, we need to find something else to do. Not sure what, it will depend on what opens I guess. I wish we had a pool, and a big yard that someone else took care of. Even a basketball net would be something. Part of the problem now is that nothing is available though. I can't even find a decent, not too expensive, basketball net to buy. I guess we will figure something out. I have to admit, it would be a lot easier if it was just me, or if Jackson was younger and played with toys, or older and able to control his temper. 

There are times I am very glad I don't have a younger child, a baby would be difficult to get work done, and also it would be hard to do anything, even getting groceries could be tricky. I do not envy the single mother's out there with toddlers, well not at the moment any way. 

Weekend boredom

It's Saturday. Jackson slept in, I slept in more. We've had breakfast. Now what? His days are mostly the same no matter what day of the week it is. He refuses to do school work or leave the house so he plays video games, watches Youtube, bounces around with his soft soccer ball. Eats snacks, and that's about it! In the evening we turn on Disney + and watch Clone Wars or whatever other Star Wars shows he wants. But my days are different. During the week I have to work, and so sit at the table with my laptop for 8 hours or more. Between providing snacks of course. I take the dog for walks, usually in the early afternoon for a work break, and after dinner. Except part of this week because it's been so cold and rainy.

Now it's the weekend. I can go watch something on TV, take the dog for an extra walk. I should be cleaning up the backyard and the leaves in the front, but our rake broke last fall and I didn't replace it. Now that purchase is a process, place the order, wait for the call to pick it up, sit in a line up of cars getting curbside delivery. I should do this of course, I do need the take after all, but life was so much easier when I could just go to the store and buy one! I'd have gone yesterday. Oh well. It's supposed to rain again tomorrow so I will wait a few more days.

I hate lawn care, I am scared of the lawn mower so I use a weed wacker type thing, and a push reel mower, but neither does the best job. I have been looking at electric mowers, like with a battery. There is one on air miles I could get, wouldn't have to pay for it! But then my air miles are all gone and I will have to start saving them again, which is harder now that things are slowed down. Not that I can go anywhere any ways. But I was hoping for that December trip to still be a thing, and might have used some for the hotel night before the cruise. Maybe.

Now Jackson also wants a switch, he is obsessed with that Animal Crossing game, I don't know why. Of course you can't get it for Xbox so he wants a switch. I am not wanting to spend $400 on that! I will consider saving up some optimum points, maybe in another month or two I can afford to use those to get it for half price or something, but honestly, it's more likely to be Christmas before I could. And do we need a second gaming machine? Honestly? I don't see why. He has a lap top now too after getting that back from my parents. I'm just not feeling it. So I will attempt to push him off and hopefully he will get over it and move on to something else. Two weeks ago it was a basketball net.

It's kind of funny, in my normal life, I don't do a lot on the weekend, get groceries, clean the house a bit, do laundry. But now that I can't do anything, I want to. I want to be able to take him swimming again, to go to the park and watch him play basketball with his friends. Walk the dog, ride my bike. Ok, maybe not ride the bike, I need a padded seat before I do that again :-) Now with nothing to do, I worry and stress and make plans that will probably never happen. I have already made a list of lunches and dinners for the next week, he gets to choose from the list so he can't complain or make a problem.

I'd like to diet, to exercise, to lose 50 lbs before life reopens (not a realistic goal of course) but when it comes down to follow through, I lose it, I can't do it. I get into a funk and fall apart, want to just have naps and read books and start at screens. I am aware of my own anxiety and depression tendencies, I recognize it when it comes over me. I know when I need to force myself to move and do things. I also know the things I need to say to myself, to talk myself back into living a bit.

This weekend will be another boring one I guess. I should trim the hair on the dog's ears, he keeps getting them in his food. The cats all need their nails cut. The weather today promises to be nice so I will walk the dog, though avoiding people while doing that can be a bit tricky. I will cook whatever meals the boy wants. He had thought we could do a pretend cruise day, one of his friends did it with Disney so Jackson thought a cruise day would be fun. But apparently now he doesn't think it's a good idea. We'll see if I can pull something like that off, maybe tomorrow when it's rainy and I won't want to go anywhere. If only I had been able to find the ice cream he likes at the store. And who knows, maybe later today I will cave and buy that rake so I can clean up the yard.

Social Isolation in Crazy Time

Times are crazy. This virus is changing the way we live in so many ways. Not only is school closed but kids aren't supposed to be out playing with friends. Plus I am working from home, my job is critical so I'm expected to work. It is also proving challenging to do that and make sure Jackson is ok through all this.

The homeschooling did not go well, it started out great but he is stubborn and now would rather just play xbox all day. I am working, it's busy as I am supporting phone lines which are answering a lot more calls with a lot fewer people available. It's a struggle to balance everything. And the government hasn't announced when schools will actually go back. If it's a few weeks then ok fine, lets get through this, but if they aren't going back until September, then he needs to get over it and start doing more than xbox all the time. He has reconnected online with a boy he played with two summers ago, the other kid is quite nice and seems to be good with Jackson, which is nice. But Jackson can be needy and so can get upset when he's not the focus of the other kids time online. It can be a struggle. I have been having a lot of conference calls so he often has to be quiet. And I also have been trying to take video workout breaks during the day, even 10 minutes of a walking workout makes me feel better. I am looking forward to finding out about school so I can put plans in place. Add in plans for summer camps, and it is a difficult time for sure.

I have had to spend some money I wasn't supposed to, on groceries. Because everything is so scary, I only want to go to the stores once a week or less, so I am not shopping flyers and looking for the sales, or at least I am having to spend full price on some things which is causing me to spend more of my budget than I expected. This will impact summer camps, I am not sure I will be able to afford all the weeks I had originally planned for. He may end up in some more generic ones than the special camps. This if the camps even open up this summer! Who knows.

Given a 3 to 4 month time frame for this to go through the worst, that puts it at end of June before things normalize. I am glad that Canada seems to be doing better at planking the curve than perhaps some other countries. I think it helps we are so large in geography, and smaller in population. I am worried about my planned December cruise, not because I am scared to cruise, I have no issues getting on a cruise ship in the future, I am more worried about the place it cruises from, getting there and staying there beforehand. I have promised, if something happens and we can't cruise, we will go away to an all inclusive as soon as we can.

It is very strange when I take the dog for walks, everyone is good about staying on their side of the sidewalk, there are few people out and about walking, biking, etc. And even on the roads, there are few cars driving around. I have been to the stores twice, the experience is so different. Put your groceries up, step back, they ring them up, they step back, you step up and pay, then when they step back again you bag them up. I find it frustrating that so many things are out of stock, and I can't shop sales like I normally would. I am lucky I still get a pay cheque, but it is not going to last as much as it once did with prices higher. It is also hard being home, kiddo is not eating his usual school snacks and only wants the special things like chips and candy, he won't eat cookies. It is weird, and frustrating. Tonight I have a chicken in the oven, I'll have mashed potatoes, he'll have rice.

I have been trying to stick to weight watchers, but it is hard! Fresh veggies are hard to come by, and even frozen ones are few in stock. Add in the anxiety, stress from working at home, worry about how Jackson is coping, and I have been overeating. I intend to do better going forward, spend April really keeping on plan and adding in movement breaks to my day. I will do what I can, and hopefully by May we'll be able to get out of the house more, and perhaps back to normal.

I think the unique thing for being an SMC in this time, I am the only parent, the only option. If I get sick, god forbid I end up in hospital, what will happen to Jackson? I have family but I also don't want to risk them and if I am sick, he would be too. I have one amazing niece who has said she'd help out any way she can which is so generous of her. My parents are older and I can't risk them getting sick. Hopefully I won't get it any way, but every time I cough or sneeze, or think my nose is stuffy, I worry. Now I do have seasonal allergies, so I've been dealing with that as the snow melts and that yucky mold comes out. I managed to find some claritin and it is helping but I still feel the post nasal drip. I worry about me getting sick, and him not able to take care of himself at all. He refuses to learn things, like even making a waffle for breakfast, he'd rather just have me do it.

I do still have regrets that he's an only child. I wish I had my 3 kids that I dreamt of, but I also know it would be super hard right now if I did. Even going to the store, he is able to stay home for an hour if I need to do that, younger kids, not so much. Cost wise, one is much better on the budget. But oh I wish I had another. Maybe, we'll see what happens I guess. I guess if I end up having to cancel the trip, perhaps I can save up and try next year? I'd be 46. Man. That feels so old. Yet sometimes I still think I must be in my 20's. But then we wouldn't be able to move at all. Though I think that may wait any way. Who knows, maybe this will be good for house prices? For me any way, not for sellers I guess.

Since we are home, I want to get the upstairs room cleaned up. I have a lot of stuff in it that needs to get out of the house. I had planned to donate but I guess that's not a good idea right now, so I am considering some of it just getting out. Next week is cardboard week, then the following is garbage week. Maybe next weekend I can some stuff ready to go. It's doable, just need to do.

Easter will be interesting too, we normally do dinner with family, but obviously we won't be able to do that now. I'm not sure how to handle the Easter bunny either, I had planned to start getting candy and eggs ready soon but haven't been able to do that yet. Perhaps next week I will find some good sale and try and get some stuff. Just not sure what I will be able to get as he is not a big chocolate kid. I am leery of heading to Walmart but know that would be the best place to get what I want. I will wait and see I guess. I have some time. Not much but a little bit.

Epic Homeschooling?

Well things ramped up pretty quick, and it is an interesting time to be living. Schools are closed for March break and then two weeks, but at least two provinces have closed them "indefinitely" so I'm sure ours are to follow. I am lucky that I can work from home, not lucky that I am considered essentially and actually have to. Hopefully they will be accommodating, I do not have a lot of options for childcare! Thought my parents and sister's family have offered to help. At least this week I am on vacation, which so far involves walking the dog, listening to the boy complain about his video games, and trying to avoid the stores. So far, not going that great but not terrible.

Last night I was talking to him about how starting next week we would need to do some school type work, and showed him a schedule I had done up. He asked to move a few of the blocks around and was excited to get started. So this morning, at 9 AM he said "time for the epic homeschooling!" and off we go. It isn't so bad, so far. But he is a handful and even the two hour activity breaks do not seem to be enough for his mental health. He needs to be active. I did order a small indoor trampoline for us and hopefully it comes Monday! Also some books to learn cursive and work on multiplication tables. I also get him to do 10 minutes of reading (his reading level is really high so I'm not worried about that) and this morning he did a slide show to present me with information on covid 19. I am hoping to get him to do a few online programs as well, we'll see. There are a lot of resources being made available for parents and children since we are not supposed to be interacting with anyone.

We did go visit my parents yesterday, I'm not sure we'll be able to do that again any time soon, but it was nice as it was. I've stocked up on pet food, we have enough for the 3 weeks, and we'll go from there. For us, I will probably need to get some things this week but it will be later and not a lot. I am sad I didn't get my hair cut last week, since now who knows when I will be able to do so. It is bugging me but I will survive, it's just hair after all!

So now here we are, homeschooling... trying to keep him active and yet calm, he has always been one to get worked up about stuff, and this is the same. I hope we can manage to get through this without any blow out fights. I am glad we had already cancelled the cruise we should be on right now, that would have been difficult to sort out with refunds and stuff. At least this way, we have the one in December to look forward to and hopefully enough time before then to settle things down. If the dollar keeps dropping though it could be a very expensive trip! But one I think we will really look forward to going on.

Life goes on. I am not worried about catching this thing ourselves, slightly concerned for my parents because they are older and have had health problems, including my mom's diabetes. We will survive this, things will probably change significantly, and in the end, we will be stronger for it.

Changes and staying the same

School started back up last Monday. We made it out the door on time, no fights! By Friday that had changed and I will need to speak to the daycare supervisor because I am really unhappy with the before school care right now. My kid hates going, he argues, fights and just simply refuses to go. I can't say I blame him. When I dropped him off Friday he wasn't allowed to play with the boys playing lego because there were already 3 of them and 4 was too many. Meanwhile the teacher is sitting there knitting and not paying much attention to any of the kids. It's one thing if I'm paying a teenager or something but these are supposed to be trained educators... I'm not pleased at all to be paying for this. It isn't like school. This is supposed to be fun, and it's obviously not! So now we have to fight about this every morning while I try to get it sorted out. Changing is hard because it's part way through the school year. He is too young to get out the door on his own. I don't want to change my work schedule in such a way that I can make sure he goes, since then I wouldn't be able to leave and get home after school. All in all, frustrating!!

However, in school he did really well last week! I got a note home mid-week from 3 of his teachers to let me know he's been a new kid since the holiday. It was refreshing to read and hopeful. He also won an award for hope. Not quite sure what it really means. But it was nice any way. He is still a little pain at home and today was horrible, he played xbox pretty much all day with various friends. But he didn't throw any fits so that's good I guess?

For me, I have been trying to exercise. I did a workout today that really just showed me how out of shape I am. It was hard! And it shouldn't have been. I will be trying to getting up early to do a 20 minute. Fingers crossed on that because I am just so tired lately. I know I feel better, and have more energy, when I eat low carb/keto. Doing it with kiddo is hard, doing it on a tight budget is harder! I will do my best though, I feel better and my tummy troubles seem to improve when I do it. I have been having a lot of upset stomach issues the past month or so, it must be time for a reset! Clean up my diet at least for a week and hopefully it will improve.

I've booked another Disney trip for August. It will likely be the last one for awhile with the new Star Wars land opening, and with the 50th anniversary, I expect prices will go up even more, and be super busy. So we'll get this one last big trip and then stick to cruises, and maybe Universal eventually. I look forward to the travel probably more than kiddo does. I wish we could go more. I am a little worried I'll need to adjust my work schedule again because of daycare and then have to either take unpaid leave in the summer again or not be able to take things like PD days. Which leaves him in daycare for the day, which obviously isn't the best solution. Ugh.

At least things seem to be going ok, or more good than bad at this point. Got my annual rental agreement renewal, no increase to rent so that is fabulous. I'll need to decide what to do about my car before summer. Work is work, my boss is off a lot this month, getting married and going on a honeymoon. Changes are on the horizon at work soon. We'll see what happens.

Work

This weekend was busy. Jackson had two birthday parties to attend yesterday, he had lots of fun at both! Turns out he is pretty good at bowling, and he loved the bouncy castle party. It was for a girl but he was one of 3 boys there so he stuck with them I think. He got injured, scrapped down his back, he's just so bony! He is fine but he was upset about it. He was also upset both parties had chocolate cake, and he won't eat that. Ah well. He still got to run around for a few hours and I got a few hours to myself!

The second party was way on the other side of town, a good 30 minute drive. So I stayed out there and went to the nearby mall. I have not gone shopping for myself (other than online) in ages... I went to one of my favourite stores and tried stuff on. I ended up with a pair of ankle pants and two jackets as well as a nice top. It cost way more than I would like to spend. But I think it is all good work clothes. And I am trying to dress better at work. My standard uniform of a simple top and pants needs a bit of an update. For two reasons. One is that I have not really gotten anything new and nice for myself in ages because I basically hate the way I look. I always want to lose weight, be thinner, be able to wear the prettier clothes. So I have bought things that fit, even though I hate the size they are.

The other reason is because I am feeling somewhat ambitious. I know the biggest hurdle for me is language and I am working on that. But my boss's boss sees something in me, and is entrusting me with projects and tasks that are exciting, and meaningful. It is nice to have someone with some authority trust me and see my potential. I am smart, I can do these things, I try to see all sides of a problem and I hate getting stuck in "because we've always done it that way" mentality that is so prevalent where I work. It is kind of weird. I actually want to do well! And because he believes in me, and that I should move up to management, I believe I can too. He has handed me a project that I can really sink my teeth into, and hopefully ensure it runs smoothly. I think sometimes I surprise him with comments, he will look at me like he's surprised anyone else thought of that. I like that he listens to me, even though I'm not anyone very important in the hierarchy.

While I have accepted that I am this size, and look this way, I also feel somewhat inspired to move more. I hope that it will actually happen. I want to be moving but I worry that I am so out of shape. I know once spring finally arrives I will need to get outside, especially since we are getting a puppy who will require walks. The difference is I want to do it not to lose weight, but to feel more energetic and be in better shape. We have a trip to Disney planned and I know there will be many days of 20k plus steps. I want to be able to do everything we want to do there. That's the goal.

February

This year started off a little rough at times. Though our awesome cruise did make up for that. February has been great so far. I finally got my back pay, and raise. I managed to pay off some debt, put some into savings for later, and then booked a trip to Disney for the end of August. I booked flights, bought tickets and put a deposit on the hotel. I'm quite excited about the trip, and hope the weather won't be too brutally hot. I think this will be one of the only times we spend a whole week there. The timing of everything was fortuitous. I got the tickets right before they went up in price, booked the flights right before they went up as well. Even the hotel worked out well. I booked and then found out I had been misquoted, the cost is actually $500 less than I was expecting. Apparently the quote included tickets or something, which I didn't want. Very happy about this turn of events!

Last week kiddo was sick a few days, sore tummy and lots of bathroom runs. I kept him home 3 days, the third was partly because I didn't feel like driving in the crappy winter weather, buses were cancelled so whatever. When I got back to work I found out my whole (small) team would be moving to another division! Not happy about this I was fuming at first. Then I spoke to one of my team members, my boss starts much later than I do, and the team mate told me the work I do was staying so I would probably be given the choice to stay. I like my boss, but I really like his boss. So I wanted to stay, and get to! It is a good job for me, I am getting to work with upper management, get noticed, I enjoy it, am learning a tonne, and still get to do things like take August off. Hopefully this will lead to language training, eventually, and management. Which I am still not sure I want to do. But the opportunity is important.

While we were on the cruise I booked for the next one. I just moved that to March 2018, saving some money and better able to get direct flights. We are really looking forward to that one too. We like cruising!

Jackson is doing well at school, though he hates it. He complains he doesn't like to sit and learn things. I can't blame him and really only want him to do his best. He is getting about a B average, which is fine with me. I guess because I can see so many people in my place of employment with very little education beyond high school and perhaps some college, I just feel that a good job is possible without over the top effort. I mean I want him to be able to read, and think for himself, but I want him to be happy, and able to support himself. Perhaps I am cynical about employment and careers, while I like my job, I like it mostly because it supports us and allows me to do what I do.

Health wise, I am trying to move more. Especially if we are going to Disney for a week. It is a lot of walking! I would like to be able to do it and not have my feet hurt everyday. I would like to be able to do it and have energy to do so. I set up the basement to be able to workout, but have only done a few workouts down there. I'm not sure why really. I am tired, and though my thyroid medicine is apparently working, it doesn't feel like it. I am hoping this is a "winter blues" sort of thing, I do hate winter, and long for spring!

We are getting a puppy! I was going to wait until Jackson was older but he has been talking about it for awhile, he really wants a "friend" to play with. So I have been checking out breeds, and cross breeds, breeders, rescues, and doing a lot of reading. We are getting a cockapoo puppy in another month or so. He will be black, and Jackson likes the name Finn. I am both looking forward to it, and worried. Puppies are a lot of work, potty training, regular training. Even worrying about what to do with the puppy while we travel. I am sure it will all work out though. I am also nervous about a new dog after the issues with Riley. He had some serious issues, many I'm sure because of his rough start in life and lack of socialization. I am desperate to avoid any of those issues again. I hope that my choice of breed, and early training, socialization, will help keep everything smooth and easy.

Father's Day

Jackson's school was getting ready for Father's Day and I guess he was asked where his father is, who it is. So he asked me if it was ok to tell people about his birth. I asked him what he meant and he couldn't really explain, but he couldn't tell me what he meant so I asked him to tell me what he would say. He said "My mom wanted a baby to she went up to a man and asked him for his seed... " And I kind of laughed because I was sure people would hear that and think I just found some guy in a bar or something. So we talked about how the seed came from a man who donated it, not just some random man. And he was ok with that.

This past week was the end of school fun fare, and we had preordered food for it. It was a lot of fun, with a teacup ride, a bouncy race, a tunnel slide obstacle course, and other candy/treats for sale. Jackson and I did the teacups once and I wouldn't spin it too much because I know he'd feel sick, and that I would too. He loved it of course. After dinner and a snow cone, he and two friends decided to go back on it. The other boys were spinning it around and I could see Jackson getting nauseous. One of the boys mom was with me, She and I yelled at her son to stop spinning it, which he did, but then the other boy took over so there was more yelling. Jackson was starting to cry. Apparently the other boy was saying "I don't care if you are sick or I am sick, I'm going to spin this!" He finally stopped the spinning, and eventually the ride stopped. Jackson was pretty upset. He went on the tunnel slide thing twice before they closed it for the night and we came home. It was a not great ending to the day.

When we got home he gave me my father's day present. It was some homemade cookies in a little box he made from Popsicle sticks, and a note.

I love my mom because she lets me do yoga with her.
I love my mom because she lets me have treats.
I love my mom because she lets me have oatmeal cookies and milk.
Love Jackson

He was very careful to change the Dad to Mom in the title, and he coloured me pink with longer hair so I would know it is me. So sweet and thoughtful. Though I'm confused by the oatmeal cookies and milk since I don't think he's ever asked for, or eaten, that. And the yoga thing, we did Tuesday night and he brought this home Wednesday. I guess he enjoyed it. We have done it once more since, but he didn't enjoy that one as much. He is fun to watch try though.

Today we went for a run, well I tried some jogging and he did some biking. It was good, but I am sore and tired now! I am very out of shape. Hopefully I'll get better. I plan to do it on the weekends with him, and hopefully twice a week after work, before I get him from daycare. The other days after work I hope to do some weights. With some better eating, I hope, I will be in better shape. 

We have no plans for actual Father's Day. We will call or message my dad, but otherwise there are no plans to celebrate. I had thought we might go see Finding Dory but Jackson doesn't want to go, so we'll wait a bit and see if he changes his mind about it. While we will celebrate my dad, we do not celebrate the donor, and I don't want stuff for me (though the note he did is adorable!). 

Winter Sadness

I don't like winter. Even ones like this year where we didn't get snow until very late, and the weather hasn't been that bad. I have a hard time and used to get depressed a lot. It has been almost 7 years since my last bad winter. I think last year would have been bad if we hadn't gone on our trip. With that in mind we will be going away next February. This year we are going in May and I guess it is too late really. It will be an awesome trip, but it's still over 3 months away!

I have been feeling down. I haven't felt like this since before I had kiddo. I guess I haven't been taking my vitamin D or anything lately. I have started that at least. Hopefully it will help a bit. Work is going to be more interesting for a couple weeks as well, I will be taking over for someone on vacation and doing something a little more challenging than I normally do. Hopefully that helps as well. I feel like I haven't been the best mom lately. I get short tempered, and long for alone time. Which is not good with a kiddo running around.

Last night they had a movie night at the school. It's free,you can order pizza or buy snacks, but I didn't have any cash. Never seem to have actual cash! Money in the bank but not in my purse... Any way. Jackson really wanted to go and I did not. I had actually forgotten about it but of course he had not. We went, I was cranky. I didn't have any desire to see the movie, he doesn't actually like movies, but we went. And he ran around the gym where they showed the movie. It was so loud, so many children running around, so few actually watching the movie! But he was happy so I am glad we went even though it was difficult for me.

My birthday is tomorrow. I turn 41. And I wonder about what my life is. I am trying to be happy with what we have. We rent a nice place with a landlord that fixes things pretty quickly. He replaced the washing machine within a week when it broke. I wish we could be living in something we (or the bank) owns, but until we sign a new contract at work it won't happen. We are travelling. We did the trip last year that was so awesome. This year we are going on a 4 night cruise and 3 nights at Disney. I can't wait, we are trying a different cruise line but I think it will be good too, and I am hoping to do more. I love cruising because everything is included. Well for us since I don't drink, and we are happy with the drinks that are included. I also love waking up in a new place every day or two, seeing different beaches, different countries, different everything! I still get to sit and relax while he's being taken care of by the kids club, and he has fun meeting new kids from other places.

I am trying to brighten my mood. The last time I was able to use some cognitive stuff to help, so I am trying that again, and my vitamin D. I know exercise, and eating better, would help as well. I am going to start my Walking in the morning, I do indoor videos to start usually. It makes me feel better to move, but I tend to fall off the wagon and get lazy. I have been doing a lower carb thing the past week. It gets a little pricey sometimes, if I don't pay attention to sales. But I feel so much better when I follow it, and it helps I usually lose a few pounds too. I add in extra carbs for Jackson but I think he does better eating more vegetables and proteins too. Though he may disagree... since he loves his rice, pasta and french fries! But he is good about veggies and now that we have had a discussion about how frozen veggies in winter are what we can afford (why is cauliflower $6!) he is willing to eat them. So that helps.

We have an SMC get together next weekend and I really want to go. But I also just want to stay home. I think it is good for Jackson that we go, even though he is a little over it since there seem to be more "babies" there now. I like that he sees other families made up like ours. Of course many of them now have a second, are expecting a second (in one case expecting twins after a singleton!) and with the new little babies, it all just makes me come home saying I need to have another baby. But I'm 41. Or I will be in 6 hours any way :-)  How did I let so much time pass? I should be watching two kids, or three, play on the floor right now, instead of one little boy who is my life and so amazing. He is pretty awesome. I love him. And I want to be better for him.

A project

Since my cat passed away while I was on vacation I have really been missing him. It's a bit silly I guess, I mean he was a cat. But he was such a good one, he was the one who cuddled with me and played, and was the first to come greet me at the door. I am on a waiting list to get a new cat. Yes I am going to a breeder, I have rescued pretty much all my other cats and just want one from a breeder, with a guarantee and the breed I want. I should be getting my new ocicat kitten in 3 months or so, not sure if it will be a boy or a girl, but it will come with shots, well socialized and already fixed.

In the meantime, I am focusing on the two cats who remain. Snickers is 7 and very overweight. I've put him on a diet, actually they both are I suppose. I switched them to wet/canned food instead of dry, though they do still get a bit because when I go away for long weekends it is much easier to deal with. So far he has lost 7 ounces, in about a week. That's around 2% of his body weight, so a bit quick for a cat, but he is still doing well. He is actually starting to play more, and interact with Elsa. Elsa is doing well, she is crazy playful and I usually wake up with her cuddled right beside me now. She will be a year old in a month.

The funny thing about my cat losing weight is that he is doing it faster than I am. And I am trying. I do have a lot more energy now, I want to workout. I get up before 5 and do a workout. I enjoy it, I actually want to do it! It feels good and pumps me up for the day. Even when I get home from work, I want to do more! It's weird and kind of nice. I am so anxious for the weather to improve so Jackson and I can get out biking, and hiking. I do need a new bike, but hopefully I can get one early and we can go on adventures.

Joshua and Elsa

Snickers with Elsa, Joshua in front