Oh covid

 We had a great summer, lots of outdoor stuff, went to the local water park a number of times. Lots of being around people and in some crowded places. School started in September and he hasn't made it a full week yet, well maybe once or twice. He has trouble with sleep and often doesn't get enough. A few things have changed, when he stays home I tell him to pretend I am in the office. He is 12 and perfectly capable of making his own lunch etc. We have had to meet with the social worker at the school a couple times, but he finally got off the attendance issues list, and then... covid. Sigh. He stayed home Friday before Halloween and Halloween itself. Though he did go trick or treating. When he asked to stay home again Tuesday I made him take a test. Positive! Oh I felt a bit bad then, he had probably exposed all his friends, and of course was validly sick. So he stayed home the rest of the week. There was some strike stuff happening and the school was closed Friday, yesterday was supposed to be online but he didn't log in, and today he stayed home again. He is testing negative so can go. I tested positive on Saturday and am so tired. I can't even explain how exhausted I feel. I tried to work today, made it a couple hours and then lay down for a nap and was out for the count. I have been bad about cooking while I've been sick, ordered too many times. Thank goodness for some delivery stuff though, able to order from the drugstore, pet store, groceries, all of it. Made it much easier to deal with. I hope I am better tomorrow and able to work the whole day. It's really busy and I know they are missing me.

Jackson's school plans a big trip for grade 8, 3 days to Toronto to do all the stuff, the zoo, wonderland, CN tower, everything. I am sure it's not cheap, my parents paid the deposit for the trip, and hopefully it's not too much more. Then of course it will be a lot of extra money to take and spend there. He'll have fun, it'll be great. 

I am still hoping we will be able to go on our cruises in April but it becomes less and less likely. I am still hoping for a promotion. I made it into a pool but haven't heard anything since. I hope I get the higher level, I know I would be able to do it and be great at it. And I need a change. My new manager is great but there is so much happening and I have Ideas, things that need to be changes/updated/improved and that would be possible at the higher level. The extra money would be nice too. I have done a bit of acting for my manager when she's off, which is a nice little boost every so often. But a raise would be nicer. Hopefully the union negotiations will only take another few months so we may get back pay in 6 months? a year? hopefully less. 

I just want to feel like I can stay awake for more than a few hours at a time. It's funny because I have all the boosters except I got the regular one two weeks before they offered the bivalent and I had to wait until mid-November to get that one. Now we have to wait 3 months to get the next one. He was going in two weeks for his 4th dose. Oh well. I am glad that I have them, I hope it's helping me recover faster. He is much better and was hardly even really sick. More of a cold. Me? Ugh. I have had some digestion issues with it too, so then I wonder if it's just covid or something else. Who knows, all I know for sure is I feel terrible. Still. Saturday was the worst but even today I am still in rough shape. This is it, can't last forever. 

Vaccinated.

 Today I got my second dose of vaccine. Because this is Canada it took over 8 weeks, and is different from my first dose. But it's done. Two weeks and I'll be "safe". Not that kiddo will be, sadly Ontario is giving me a hard time about getting him done until his birthday. If we lived in a different province he'd already have his first dose. Frustrating. We'll figure something out eventually I guess, but I do feel like I need to start planning for a backup vacation in December, or how to cancel what's booked, or part of what's booked. Any way, we'll see how that goes.

We have a few things planned for summer, the local water park is open by reservation so I booked it for the first Saturday it's open. We also booked a day at Canada's Wonderland near Toronto, and hopefully we'll go to the zoo as well. So much driving that will bug me but we'll manage. It'll be nice to have a vacation of sorts. 

Friday was the last day of the school year. All his friends who stuck with the school got t-shirts, pictures and a diploma. I'm a little sad his name won't be on the wall, he won't have those memories, but I also think he did better this year than if he'd been in classes. He learned a lot. I am a little worried that he will have a hard time in Grade 7, and it won't last. I am also worried that they will try and make me go back to the office, and I don't want to, at all. I quite like working from home and hope I can manage to remain doing so. I'd like to go pick up my stuff from work, it's all still there, but other than an occasional meeting, I want to be at home. 

I still have a lot of sorting to do here, lots of cleaning and reorganizing, but I do feel like it's on track. I also still have an urge to move. But I have stronger urges to travel. It's a strange dilemma, which one do I focus on. At least the AC has been fixed, I did a few things to fix things up. But there is still work to do, and frustrating critters in the garage. The AC was broken during the heat wave, they came to fix it a week later, we survived, went to the beach a lot actually. And had a mattress in the living room for Jackson to sleep on, apparently I snore too loudly to be able to stay with him. 

Todays dose seems to have made me sleepy, so I think I will be going to bed early tonight, will need to put little Olaf to bed early. He is adorable, and plays well with the dog. The other cats aren't keen on him but I think they will be eventually. Or he'll stick with the dog. Either way, he's cute, playful and healthy. And he sleeps in the guest room because he is a pain when it's sleep time. 

Vaccine one done

 On Sunday the province announced that they were lowering the age to 40+ on the astrazeneca vaccine available in pharmacies. I was super excited to hear this and signed up for all the places and wait lists. Yesterday I got an email from one of the pharmacies that they have "walk in" places so I called to see if they had any available, they made me an appointment for today and I got the shot at 12:45. I am so happy. There is a 16 week wait for shot two but I don't care, just relieved. It was interesting to see so many other people there excited to be getting vaccinated. Interesting too, as soon as they lowered the age, the appointments booked up fast. I think many people in the 55+ were waiting for a "better" shot which honestly irritates me, even if it led to me getting mine sooner. 

Now who knows how long it will be for Jackson to get his. If he was already 12 I'd be less worried about that. I do hope it happens this year. It will impact our plans for December. I am hoping we can cruise but if not, we'll spend two weeks in Orlando and do Disney/Universal or something. Easy. We will travel!!

I hope I don't have a bad reaction to the vaccine, I already feel a bit tired, had a nap after work, and my head/jaw hurts but that happens to me a lot since I grind my teeth and clench my jaw all the time. I will try and wait it out, see what happens. I am ready to take the day off tomorrow if I have to, I have sick leave I can use. I do have a grocery order to pick up, which I can cancel now but would like to get. I am sure I'll be able to manage it any way, just have to drive there, they load the stuff in the trunk and I drive home, put everything away (that's the hard part lol). But I've managed more when sicker so I'm sure I can manage this. I guess that's when being a single mom and having to do it all pays off, I'm used to managing things no matter how I feel. 

On the move front, while I decided to move, I changed my mind and we'll be here for a little while still. I am going to use the time to really declutter and clean up (for reals this time). I want to be in a position that if we decide to move, we can do it quickly. I have some other financial goals, buying a house is not one of them though. I am still thinking of moving to a smaller town outside the city, but we'll see what happens with work from home, and Jackson's school in the fall. 

I am so happy to be vaccinated once, and cannot wait for number 2. Phew! 

Goodbye 2020

 New year's eve. It feels good that this year is ending. I wish it had gone better. This COVID, lockdown stuff has been difficult. But I am trying to see the good things in it. I have really enjoyed working from home. I will continue with that for as long as possible, if I never have to go back to an office I will be ok with that. Though I'd like to go get my stuff from my desk, I had a really nice pair of boots I left as well as some baby pictures of kiddo, some of his artwork and a fancy travel mug I used for coffee/tea while I was there. Not much else really but still, I'd like to get that stuff. Eventually. 

My goals for this year have been interesting to try and keep. Yelling less, I think I have? I have certainly learned to listen to him more and let him have a bit more freedom in his own schedule. We haven't had regular games nights or anything but we do spend some time together and he is finally putting himself to sleep, though having a hard time getting to bed at night. We will work on that in the new year.

Losing weight, I did lose some over the early summer, it was hard and took a lot of exercise. And when I gave up again it all came back. Of course. My goal for the new year will be to eat keto/low carb and get 2500 steps on the days I work, as well as 10 minutes or more of walking each day. The goal is not the weight loss but to feel better. For my stomach to not be so unhappy, to have more energy. Hopefully, weight loss will come but it isn't the goal. 

The decluttering I did last December has remained, things have moved a bit and the kitchen remains a sore spot, honestly the layout is not the best for us. But the rest of the space on the main floor is good. I haven't done nearly enough to the rest of the house, but I need to now if we will be moving. I do not want to move all this stuff if we don't need to! So stuff needs to go. Sadly donation is difficult with covid around, so I'll have to figure that out and perhaps in a month or two things can be picked up again? 

Certainly, a lot changed in 2020, but not as much as I expected I guess. Jackson isn't in daycare, or school for that matter. My new job did not turn out as well as I had hoped but it's a job and I will continue working to make it better for me. If it doesn't improve though, since I've been there almost a year, I will look for something else. We haven't moved, but I still hope to. By the time we move, I will decide where and to which place. I hope by March 30 to get my back pay so will have enough for first/last, moving expenses and new stuff for the new place. I plan a two month No Buy challenge again, this time we'll stick to it. Nothing other than groceries, pet food and gas for the car, which I don't need a lot of. Jackson will get his allowance but it is all he will have to spend. I hope this will help us save even more for moving, and get Jackson a gaming computer. Though to earn that he has to actually speak to the therapist and the possibility of medication is there as well. 

For 2021, besides my goals for eating and moving my body, and my home, I haven't got much else. I want to focus on my health and my home. Jackson has said he wants to try therapy and perhaps medication for his ADHD so he won't have anger issues. I have an appointment on the 4th to talk to his family doctor and hopefully therapy will follow soon after. I will also bring up medication and see what the doctor's thoughts are on that. For school, I will leave that up to kiddo, if he'd like to continue homeschooling I am ok with that, or if he wants to go to school I will be ok with that as well. We do have a trip planned for December 2021, hopefully we will be vaccinated by then, and I will be ok with him missing two weeks of school for it. If they aren't, well I'm not sure it matters to me. I am quite disillusioned with public school to be honest, I blame them for a lot of Jackson's problems. 

I still feel the two bedroom townhome is the best choice for us, but the three bedroom would be nice. It costs more and I would worry things could be hard financially. It all costs more than here of course, but I am anxious to move. A lot of the problems here I am sure the landlord would solve if I brought it up with him, and some he will have to fix for a new tenant any way (the back deck which is rotting for example). But the space is also not the best for us. The kitchen in particular is not the best for cooking, which is part of why I don't like to cook. It may be silly but I think if we had a nice kitchen with a big island I would be more inclined to actually cook. And cooking would be better for our health. We have been watching some TV together and keep seeing the commercials for meal delivery kits and he asks why we don't get them any more. The short answer is both they are expensive and he has never eaten the actual meals from them. I always have to cook the food differently for him than the recipe calls for. He said he would try meat with sauce on it next time. But I do think we'll wait until we move to try them again. So hopefully April or May. 

Now tonight, steak, broccoli and spaghetti for supper. And tomorrow I cut carbs, again, and stick with it this time. Tomorrow I start walking again, inside or out, 10 minutes a day to start. Tonight we will watch something on TV or a movie and eat chips and chocolate and candy. Tomorrow, I will start cleaning in the basement and the guest room. I have to take down the Christmas tree, but am reluctant to do so, it is so pretty and I don't want to put it away. I am so glad we got a new tree, it is smaller but fits nicely and looks so nice. It will be so empty without it, and all the other stuff. I guess it's like that every year. This year seems different though. We had no family get together, it's been a week since Christmas and it feels strange. Time is always a bit of a blur this time of year, and this year is worse than ever. The whole year has been a blur. Hopefully 2021 will be better. Sometime by April vaccinations should be available for us (or me at least I guess) and this coming summer we will hopefully be able to do more than last year, perhaps go back to the zoo, maybe get to go to Calypso again, and just be happy. 

It's Beginning to Look Like Winter

 Snow is falling. We put up the tree, I decorated most of it, he helped a bit. It's boring I guess! I have put on all the ornaments that I really like, but it looks plain. I am wondering how much more I should put on there! And which colours. We have some assorted colours as well as some pink and purple ones. Hopefully the cats will leave it standing for 5 or 6 more weeks I guess. The new tree is a nice size at least, and the lights are fun, they can do different things but I have them on multi coloured. I'll have to get rid of whatever ornaments we don't really need any more. We do have too many! 

The snow may need to be shoveled tomorrow, we'll see. It is really coming down. I guess winter has decided to settle in! I still need to get Jackson new boots. It's easier to forget these things when we don't go out much. I'll order some this week and hope they fit him. I ordered a new snow coat, but still need to find snowpants. I am not sure how much he will play outside this winter any way, his friend down the street has moved away. Hopefully we'll still be able to go out and play, but he will be missing out on his recess friends. Of course with rates going up who knows how much longer schools will be open, even if he was going. 

I was reading back over my blog, for the past 9 years I've been wanting to give Jackson a sibling. Nine years! Why didn't I do something sooner? A message to anyone who reading who is thinking, do try! Go for it. Take a leap and don't wait for things to be perfect. With the shut downs going on, and my sad bank account, I am focusing on getting my health (weight) in better shape and saving up. I will be doing a no spend challenge in January/February, no eating out, nothing other than groceries, gas for the car and pet supplies. I will give Jackson his allowance of course, he'll get mad if he doesn't get it. But otherwise, nothing extra. Except my birthday, I will order dinner that night, I don't want to cook on my birthday! 

Hopefully I will be ready to do something in May, when I expect to get my back pay, possibly move, and have enough saved. I believe, because I am old and my eggs are dead, I will need to be on hormones for a few months to bring my cycle back and then I should be good to go. I may need to go back on synthroid, so by March or so I will talk to my doctor to get that going. Until then I am going to try and enjoy things as they are, and get ready. 

Those back to school plans

Provinces are starting to roll out their back to school plans for the fall. It is interesting to read them all and see the variation across the country. Ontario announced their plans this afternoon and the school boards will take that and let us know what they intend to do. I look forward to more details but am happy with what I've read so far. Kids in grade 4 through 12 will wear masks, I have 10 so far for kiddo and a few more on the way, so he can wear two a day at least. They will go full week, full days, and stick to their cohort. That needs to be clarified. I have emailed the school to ask if Jackson can be in a class with a couple of his friends and not his enemy. Hopefully his class will be his cohort. 

I am glad they are going back to full days, however I am prepared to pull him from school, whether to do the online stuff they are supposed to be providing for those who don't want to send their children, or to homeschool him. Or rather unschool him I guess. It will be interesting to fit this in to work, but I have no intention of going back to the office until there is a vaccine or very well established protocols in place to keep us all safe. Work is a bit different from school, more people, smaller spaces, no windows that open. 

Things have been going ok for us. He has been able to get out with friends a bit. Last week he was riding his bike and fell off. We spent a morning in the ER and he has a buckle fracture, so he's been in a splint for a week so far, two more to go! Then two weeks he has to be careful with it (so wear the splint while he is biking or playing outside). I am hoping the friends he is going out to play with will be in his cohort. 

We went yesterday to look at the townhomes that are coming up for rent soon. They are really nice, well finished and a good size. I am hoping we will be able to move for November or December, it is a lot of work, so much work. I am crossing my fingers and need to work out a plan. I also need to make sure I can afford it. My income has gone up a bit since I am not taking the unpaid leave this summer, and also my union just finally came to a new deal with my employer. It isn't signed yet but just a matter of time. That will take a long time to get sorted but the almost 6 years of back pay will be nice when it comes, if I could wait to move until then it would be ideal but I don't think the places will still be available. They are super nice, and of course close to his current school, and closer to the high school. They are also right beside a park with basketball net so he can play a lot, and his friends who go the park to play will be close by. Part of me thinks it is probably silly to move, but we have been in this house for 7 years I think? I'm not used to be in one place for so long, and changing schools isn't a good option. Purchasing is not an option, homes are far too expensive for what I want. 

The place also has 3 bedrooms, which would be awesome if I decide to have another child. Which I shouldn't do. It would be too much. Just that every time I read about someone else, another SMC, having a second (or third) baby, it makes me sad and full of regret. It would be lovely but I know it's not realistic. I can't even say "someday" as my days are running out. For now, Jackson will have two rooms for himself, and I will continue to be sad that I don't have 3 kids. 

Happy Belated Canada Day

I have realized, after having 5 days off in a row, that perhaps I should have booked some summer vacation. It was nice, to sleep in, to watch a lot of TV and such. It was nice to not get up early and do as I wanted through the day. I don't tend to workout as much though. I find the days I work, I am reminded to get up and move more so I get more steps in, and often need to step away from the work to do a short workout. I love the being able to sleep in, but I am mostly glad I am saving my vacation days for when life returns to "normal" and we are able to travel again. One other thing, I have saved so much sick leave. Normally I use it up almost as fast as I accrue it. I get migraines and have only had a couple since lock down began, I wonder how much of a part the lighting at work plays. Possibly hormones as well, since I also have still not had a period since Disney last August (which has been awesome, though sad at the same time). 

For Canada Day, we didn't even leave the house. Well, I did go get us cold drinks, an iced coffee for me and a slushy drink for him. There were no fireworks, no big celebration. I guess it's good it wasn't the 150 or something? To be honest, we don't really have a lot of plans for the whole of summer. I am bribing him to do some work during the week, which so far has not worked very well. It's pretty easy stuff, I would like to know he is up to speed when school restarts, depending on what that even looks like.

I am very glad that the main floor got decluttered in December, it has made a big difference in being able to enjoy the space a bit. I want to do more work upstairs but keep procrastinating, getting started is the hard part. It needs to be done though. The basement as well but we don't use that as much. It would be nice to get it done so we can move if we choose to, though the places I was looking at moving to are going to probably be out of my budget. And I may miss the backyard? Well the dog will miss the backyard, he loves chasing the bunnies out there. The places aren't quite as close to the walking trail, but not too far. And the park is right there. Hopefully that will open up soon, actually living right there beside it would be hard to resist. 

I have been walking, and working out. And my knees are feeling it. I guess I should have worked to lose more weight before trying any jogging. But the jogging does really feel good in the moment. It makes me feel strong and like I can do anything. The workouts I have been doing also make me feel strong. Though the first few days I also felt sore! It was kind of nice to feel like I had done something. And it improved, I got better at it. In only a few days. 

The province is still slowly moving forward, things have been reopening. I can walk into McDonalds now to order take out, which is nice for us. It's closer to walk than drive. I wear a mask, it makes it easier! Though of course that could kick me in the butt if I don't stick to the points. I hope the city pools open sooner than later, we love to go swimming and it would be nice when the weather is so hot. If the water park doesn't open I will look at going to the one in Quebec, though it's not as nice. We do need some things to do, to get him off the computer and moving would be nice. He has been playing with a friend, but not everyday. That's ok, somedays are better than others.

I have no idea what fall will bring, school's should open to some extent, and if not, well, it will be really hard to get him to do anything. I think if that happens I will have to really step up the bribes, or something. Some fights have not been worth it. My goals are to help him stop breaking things, and learn some emotional control over his anger. I have no idea if we will accomplish that over the summer or not! It would also be really nice if he could fall asleep on his own without me sitting there. Those are my goals for him. My goals for me are all about my health, losing weight, eating better, moving more. And controlling my own temper as well. He does know how to push my buttons. I know that to manage better, I need to take care of myself better. So the walking and exercise are key there. It has been really hot, so the walking has to happen early or very late. Somedays, it's too hot for the dog even early. I do go out myself those days. The dog gets to play fetch in the house and run around inside, thankfully he is small enough that is seems to be just enough. 

I am also working on myself and letting go of what I can't have. I have to let go of my big family dreams. I know it's not practical, I know it doesn't make financial sense. I know my body is done so the choices would be expensive. In my head, I know. In my heart? Oh I wish I could have two more kids, I wish we could be a big family. I have buried my dream in trips instead, and now that trips are off the table for awhile, it brings the family dream back around to my heart. Could I adopt? I don't know. I don't even know that I would really want to be pregnant again, it was not a good experience the first time. So my head should win this battle and perhaps convince my heart what to do, or I guess not do in this case? 

As for the trips, we have two cruises booked in December, but given the mess that the US is at the moment, in particular Florida, I have no idea if we would even be able to travel there. I'm not sure I want to! There is also the November election, what impact that could have. So perhaps we will try an all inclusive this year instead. Or spend another winter in the cold. Hey, if I don't have to drive to work maybe it wouldn't be so bad? And hopefully this work from home thing will be the way going forward, at least most of the time, with perhaps going in to the office on occasion? Honestly? I'd be totally ok with that. And given it looks like kids will only be in classes maybe two days a week, if that, it is probably going to be the way for at least the next school year. 

Tick Tock Time

Only a couple official weeks of school, even though kiddo has not done any work since this started, he will be far behind next fall. There isn't really much I can do about it at this point. I hope he will agree to do something before school restarts but I'm not holding my breath. My dad bought him a laptop. I am not sure why, but at least he isn't using mine any more. He has it up in his room, we'll have to see how well this goes. He has a tendency to break electronics. The camera on his cellphone is cracked. I could replace the phone, I did buy a plan with it so it can be replaced twice a year, but the phone itself still works, so I'm reluctant to do so. I'm kind of waiting for something bigger to go wrong.

Ontario has moved to phase 2, and so we can expand our circle to up to 10 people, so we can officially visit my parents. We're going next weekend for Father's Day. Not sure if my sister will be there as well, I suspect she will. It will be nice to see people again. We can go for haircuts and such, but I did my own so I'll leave it at that for now. I can wait at this point. Pools aren't open... yet, but they can be so hopefully the city will get a plan out there so we can go swimming again! I know it is something Jackson really enjoys. I am hoping the water park will open this summer, but am reluctant to get a season pass, so we'll have to hope it will be easy enough to be able to go. We enjoyed it last summer, and the two at Disney as well. He does love his water slides. 

I've been doing a lot of walking, jogging and other exercise. Trying to eat better, but still haven't really lost much weight. Oh well. I am feeling better, healthier, more energy. I get up and workout before work, and also do a walk in the morning, then again either after work or after dinner, depends on how tired I am. Since I am still only getting 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night, and I really do need more. But I don't like going to bed right when kiddo does, I like a bit of me time after he's in bed. Now that he is on his computer in his room though, perhaps I will get enough time alone and be able to go to bed at a decent time. We'll see!

Time is a strange beast now, we've been off school for so long, working from home and isolated so long. It will be 6 months from his last day until back to school. It's all a bit crazy. The world sure changed fast. Which is good, but also feels a bit artificial, like any moment I will wake up and this will all be over. It feels like the world is still turning but holding it's breath on what will come next. I watch what's happening in other countries and have to admit, I have some worry. 

We have two weeks of cruises booked for December. I am hopeful we can go on them, but also worry that perhaps I shouldn't do it. Not entirely because of COVID. I am considering instead going to an all inclusive, perhaps in January or February. It will depend on if we have to isolate for two weeks when we return, in which case December would be better since we'll probably have two weeks off at Christmas. Though if I can work from home, it wouldn't matter too much for me, just for him missing school. I will continue to watch and see what happens with flights and everything else. I am determined to cruise again though. The all inclusive would have to have water slides, and a beach. I worry he would be bored, but I would be fine with a book (or ebook) and a beach. I am sure we'd manage any way. 

I have a bunch of alarms set, to remind me which days I have to work, which days I have to get up early, when I need to make sure and start dinner. Days, weeks, months are all blurring together. We are comfortable enough here, and the weather seems to be nice enough. I am focusing on the exercise and trying to eat better. I am hoping that in 3 months when I go back to work everyone will be surprised. Even though I know no one will really notice. I am trying to do this, I want to be fit and healthy, I want to be thinner and be able to wear pretty clothes. To feel comfortable. I will get there. 

New World and What I Miss

It feels like a brave new world, like we are in a transition from the way things were to the way they will be. It's a strange thing, Once in a lifetime (I hope). Everything has changed, yet really so much hasn't. At least in our house. I am very lucky to still be employed, still be getting paid. I do sometimes wish I didn't have to work, but other times it's nice to have something to keep me busy. I am lucky, I can still pay my bills, buy us food, though that is costing more than ever, and we still get to order delivery. 

Obviously some things has changed, I don't get to grocery shop in multiple places, certain stores are closed, some are pick up only, schools are closed. I find some things fine to deal with, and others are frustrating. I am fine with pick up orders, I tend to prefer delivery any way. I miss a few things, I miss being able to see my parents and to hug them. I miss my kid going to school and being able to play with his friends. The things I miss that are just frustrations are hair cuts, and puppy grooming. Which is just reopening so that is good. 

Things I don't miss, commuting, driving to work and paying for parking. I don't miss actually going in to work, though I do miss seeing my friends, and going for coffee. Some things at work would be easier if I could have a conversation in person with certain people. But in general, I am able to do my work from home quite easily. I do need a better set up, perhaps an actual desk and chair would be nice. A second monitor would make things easier for sure. 

I am enjoying being at home though, it's easy to roll out of bed and get on the computer, breakfast happens when I'm hungry. I can get up and move around the house, take the dog for walks. When my day is done I can have a nap or go for a bike ride with my kid. Being an introvert, I don't mind being away from other people. I am guessing I will have a hard time re-integrating when this time is over. Though based on conversations with my boss I don't think I will be forced back to the office any time soon, and even then I think it will look different. Perhaps I will only have to go in once or twice a week. Much better from my perspective. I may even be able to avoid using much of my vacation time, perhaps in the winter I'll be able to go on a trip. I hope. 

It's been 8, or 9?, weeks since this all started. I feel like I should have really upped my workouts, focused on my eating. I've been trying but find it hard, especially the evenings. Even if I am not hungry I will find reasons to snack. I need to focus and really try to use the time I have, in isolation, to do what I need to, to pay attention to what I eat, and to move more. My goal for this week has been to move 250 steps each of the hours I'm at my desk, it works out to 7 hours but I should probably start it earlier and get 8 hours in. I already have been doing 5 days of workouts or activity each week. Usually that is walking the dog for 20 or more minutes. Today kiddo and I went for a bike ride. I thought I was dying, but hopefully we can keep trying and get to a point I'll be able to do it better. I also need to figure out some weight training. I would normally do a video, but maybe I need a paper workout with my dumbbells, and focus on different body parts. Even some body weight exercises would be ok. 

The curve, work and frustration

Apparently my province has reached it's peak. So what happens next? Do we gradually reopen things and get back to living? Do we remain in this locked down state for another month? or two? or more? Do schools go back soon? Or not until the fall. I am a planner so this uncertainty is frustrating me. It's worse than simply giving a date that is some far off thing. At least then I could make a plan. No plan leaves me feeling un-anchored, and drifting a bit. I am moving forward under a few assumptions, school will not reopen until September, I will be working from home until then, and once things start to get back to normal it will be back to the way things were eventually. That last one is probably in doubt but I am going to believe it.

Work is frustrating, I had not been in the position long when this all came about and have not had a chance to really get a grip on all the pieces of it. So my boss asks me questions I have no answers to, yet I am expected to. I rely heavily on my team, and trust that they are doing what needs to be done. I expect when this is over I will be looking for a different position though, I think I need something a little less anxiety inducing.

I was able to see my parents and sister this past weekend, we met in a grocery store parking lot half way between us. I was picking up my old lap top for Jackson, my dad had fixed it. They had also bought him a bunch of fruit, 3 types of apples, pears and plums, as well as some other snacks. He has been eating a lot of apples everyday. Groceries have been more expensive than they were before, mostly because I can't shop sales like I did. But we are getting by. It is a shift from school lunches though, and one that is frustrating to me, what he would take in a lunch bag he won't eat at home. Before this is all over I have told him we will do a test run day. One day he will pretend I am not home and have to do everything for himself as though I am at work. So we can see if he will be able to stay home at all this summer alone, should that even be an option or possibility.

I am online a lot, perhaps too much. So many people frustrate me so much. There seem to be two camps, those who believe we won't go anywhere until a vaccine is available and those who believe this is all a hoax and we should be getting back to life. The vaccine people actually bother me most, they seem to think we are in isolation to avoid getting this ever, and forget that this was about "flattening the curve" so that hospitals could manage. We will never remain hidden from this forever, we will not be able to avoid living until a vaccine is found. Eventually, the majority of people will get this. We are doing it slowly, so health care can help those who have the bad reactions. I believe until we have testing to see who has actually had it, not just those who are symptomatic and have been tested because of that, we won't have a fulsome picture of it's spread or see the end.

So while I am on one hand scared to get this because I am it for my son, if I cannot make his meals and take care of the house, feed the pets, all of that stuff, then no one will. So if I get sick and it is bad, we are screwed. If he gets it, I am sure he will recover in short order. And on the other hand, perhaps I will be one who has mild or no symptoms. Maybe I already had it, I had some cold like symptoms and tummy issues when we first got locked down, but perhaps that was just stress. Or allergies. Or who the heck knows.

I am planning to be able to travel again, I have two cruises booked in early December and the worst case scenario is we will lose those deposits. I expect that by the time we are supposed to pay in full, we will have a better idea of what is going on and timelines. Best case, we will go away for two weeks and have an amazing time as we always do on cruises. Middle case, we'll have to cancel and reschedule things for another time. I do not expect this to be years in the future, maybe one year? I should perhaps feel bad because I will take him out of school for two weeks. But to be honest, I don't really care any more. He has been doing nothing of his school work, and I am so tired of fighting about it. He'll survive, he'll manage, he'll either figure out that I was right and buckle down, or he'll do something else with his life and it won't matter.

We will live life now though, and enjoy it, because who knows what might happen in the future. This "novel" virus, I am sure it's not the last one we'll have to deal with. Humans have been hell bent on destroying the planet, I am sure it's a matter of time before the planet throws something else at us.

Not so epic anything

This time of isolation and social distancing is starting to cause my anxiety to soar, and my stress levels to go rather high. I admit I may have taken some of it out on the boy. I yelled at him at lunch time when he didn't want what I offered. Mind you, he is incredibly picky and with shopping being difficult he can't keep it up. I got fed up, I made two lists. The first is all the lunches we have available for the next week, he can tell me what he wants instead of saying "what do we have?" and then refusing what I tell him we have. I also told him to put things on the list of what he wants for lunches, so when I go to the store I can hopefully get what he wants and will eat. I also made a list for dinners, with the caveat he has to tell me the day before because some of it has to be thawed to be cooked. So tomorrow we are having pork chops and rice.

Easter is coming, it is a little bit sad. I am used to being with family, sometimes we have a meal with my parents and one with my sister. This year we can't do either one. So I suggested we have a group facetime chat. Hopefully it goes well! It will be nice to at least "see" everyone. We are having ribs for dinner, Jackson's choice. Not sure I will have them or not, but we'll see.

I am lucky I was able to get the ribs at the store Thursday. There was a lengthy line up to get into the store, an explanation by a worker before we went in, and of course social distancing. I had planned on two stores due to the various sales, groceries have been a little expensive and I was trying to save money. Sadly I didn't do as planned, and ended up spending more than I should have. That seems to be par for the course lately. I shouldn't need to go back for a week though. I didn't get eggs, but hopefully we will manage without them! Otherwise I will have to go somewhere and get eggs and maybe a loaf of bread.

Work has been very busy, and very irritating. I am having a hard time balancing making sure Jackson does what he should, getting my own work done, and learning the job at the same time. It's new and I am not good at it. I believe I have the option to stop working from home because I have kiddo to look after, the problem is I don't want to cause problems for the rest of the team, and I don't want to be overly bored. Nor do I want this held against me if I want to work from home on PD days or snow days at some point in the future. It is very different though, one day a month versus months on end. And I do think this will be months on end. I am fairly certain this will go on longer than May.

School at home has been a disaster, he refuses to do it, tells me I don't respect what he wants to do... I don't even know how to manage this right now, I am just so frustrated and tired. I wish I could have the time to focus on helping him but the work is so busy. I need to be able to spend an hour a day at least with him. I don't really care if we are learning what his teachers have for him to learn, as long as he is learning age appropriate things that will help him in the future.

My diet and exercise are difficult. I have been walking the dog two or three times a day, unless it's cold and yucky like today, then it was only once. My knees and hips ache, I am feeling old (and fat). It is helpful to get out and move, the walks help me break up the day and work. But they certainly aren't enough to help me lose weight. I have been eating more than I should, still. I changed my plan so I don't get the fit points added on, so it's just daily and weekly points, but I am sure I really eat more of them than I should. Part of it is the anxiety, I get upset, and eat. I worry, I eat. Kiddo drives me nuts, I eat.

I am sometimes glad I don't have more kids during this time, it would be a lot to manage. But perhaps it would be better? Maybe having someone to play with would help the boy. I can't imagine having to go get groceries with a little one along though. They want to limit it to one person, but aren't enforcing it. I can't imagine how single parents would manage with little babies, I know there are grocery deliveries and even pick up options, but both are hard to come by right now. The local stores where you can order online and pick up are two weeks ahead, how do you manage that? You can only have one order placed at a time, so you can only get stuff every two weeks, and can't change your order in some cases. When Jackson was on milk we went through 2+ bags of milk a week! He wouldn't drink it frozen, so I'd have to be buying 5 bags every two weeks, and hoping for good expiry dates. Right now it's also hard to find certain things in stores, there are empty places on shelves. I managed to get a 24 pack of TP, which is great, should last a few weeks! But other things are missing, including a large number of cleaning products.

I trust and hope that at the end of this, life returns to somewhat normal. I can't imagine it will be the same, I think everything is changing. I really hope I will be able to cruise again, I hope we will be able to go back to Disney, to go to Universal, and Seaworld, Perhaps an All Inclusive at some point. And to see Canada, from coast to coast. I want to see things, to do things, to not be stuck at home. Yet, if I'm honest, I like being home, if I wasn't for having to take care of the boy this would be not so bad. I worry if I get sick, how will he be taken care of? He can't cook, he won't be able to feed and water the pets. No matter what, I have to be able to take care of him.

Epic Homeschooling?

Well things ramped up pretty quick, and it is an interesting time to be living. Schools are closed for March break and then two weeks, but at least two provinces have closed them "indefinitely" so I'm sure ours are to follow. I am lucky that I can work from home, not lucky that I am considered essentially and actually have to. Hopefully they will be accommodating, I do not have a lot of options for childcare! Thought my parents and sister's family have offered to help. At least this week I am on vacation, which so far involves walking the dog, listening to the boy complain about his video games, and trying to avoid the stores. So far, not going that great but not terrible.

Last night I was talking to him about how starting next week we would need to do some school type work, and showed him a schedule I had done up. He asked to move a few of the blocks around and was excited to get started. So this morning, at 9 AM he said "time for the epic homeschooling!" and off we go. It isn't so bad, so far. But he is a handful and even the two hour activity breaks do not seem to be enough for his mental health. He needs to be active. I did order a small indoor trampoline for us and hopefully it comes Monday! Also some books to learn cursive and work on multiplication tables. I also get him to do 10 minutes of reading (his reading level is really high so I'm not worried about that) and this morning he did a slide show to present me with information on covid 19. I am hoping to get him to do a few online programs as well, we'll see. There are a lot of resources being made available for parents and children since we are not supposed to be interacting with anyone.

We did go visit my parents yesterday, I'm not sure we'll be able to do that again any time soon, but it was nice as it was. I've stocked up on pet food, we have enough for the 3 weeks, and we'll go from there. For us, I will probably need to get some things this week but it will be later and not a lot. I am sad I didn't get my hair cut last week, since now who knows when I will be able to do so. It is bugging me but I will survive, it's just hair after all!

So now here we are, homeschooling... trying to keep him active and yet calm, he has always been one to get worked up about stuff, and this is the same. I hope we can manage to get through this without any blow out fights. I am glad we had already cancelled the cruise we should be on right now, that would have been difficult to sort out with refunds and stuff. At least this way, we have the one in December to look forward to and hopefully enough time before then to settle things down. If the dollar keeps dropping though it could be a very expensive trip! But one I think we will really look forward to going on.

Life goes on. I am not worried about catching this thing ourselves, slightly concerned for my parents because they are older and have had health problems, including my mom's diabetes. We will survive this, things will probably change significantly, and in the end, we will be stronger for it.

New Year's Eve 2019

Another year is winding down. A decade really. I will soon be 45! Jackson is now 10, double digits! It has been quite a lot. A lot has happened, yet it all still feels the same. Does that make sense? I'm not sure.

This year has been interesting, it started pretty well. We were in a good place in terms of his behaviours. He started the year with comments from teachers that they noticed an improvement in him. We are ending it not that well. He's been on all his devices far too much, and is angry a lot of the time. I try to connect but he rebuffs me a lot. I miss my sweet boy. It's hard, but we continue on.

My goal for the new year is to yell less, to connect more. I'd like to have a game night, and a movie night. To get him to put away the devices and play. I want us to be active together in the summer. Walks, bike rides, whatever.

I have been gaining weight for awhile now, it keeps creeping up and up. I know what I need to do, the doing of it is the hard part. I plan to eat less carbs, meal plan so that leftovers are accounted for and used up. I will start walking again in the spring, and I'd like to do yoga at some point. I should start exercising sooner than spring, but we'll see on that front.

My home, it never quite got sorted when we moved in, and we continued to add to the toys and "stuff" over the years. My parents hired someone to come help me clean it, so I spent two days with her cleaning the whole main level. I tossed so many bags of garbage and she took even more to donate. There is no clutter now, everything has a place. Even the kitchen is organized and feels like I can cook in it! I still have to do the basement and the upstairs, but I feel like I can do it now. I need to focus though, spend a day or even half a day and just get through stuff. I'll have to take care of the donating myself, so it probably won't end up where I would most like it. Only one place comes to pick stuff up, but that is the easiest for sure.

Money, well money sucks. I am very broke. The cruise I wanted to take in March is not going to happen. But I have a goal to move in August or September (depends when the places are ready). So I need to save, first, last, movers, buy boxes, and hire the clutter lady to help me unpack for a day or half a day, so I start at that place in the right way. I have a cruise booked for next December, and we will go on that one. I can do this, save enough for everything and still manage to feed us properly. It will require saying NO to kiddo more often than I do, but it can happen. I have a list of things I want for the new place, and others I think we'll need. The needs come first of course, and whatever else I can get is prioritized.

The decluttering, getting rid of so much stuff, was cathartic, and exhausting at the same time. I feel good about the house now, though it still feels closed off. I do imagine the new place will be easier to organize. There may be some more toys to go. For now though, it works. Being able to cook will help with eating better. Not tripping over things will mean I can vacuum more often. And it will just be better in the long run. Still a ways to go with two thirds not done, but the one third that is done looks much nicer.

The New Year will be about change. I change jobs in late January. We hope to move mid year and I hope to take Jackson out of daycare by late March. That is a big change. Keeping the house clean, eating better, moving more. I can do it all. It sounds big but most are actually small changes.

Sick kid, video games and connections

Jackson has been "sick" for almost a week now. He complains he is going to throw up, his tummy hurts, his head hurts. I cannot tell if he is being legitimate or if he is trying to avoid school, or daycare. He has already said multiple times that he doesn't want to go to daycare in the mornings. It's too early, his friends aren't there, it's no fun. So what can I do? He's been home from school four days now. I suspect his tummy issues are stress or anxiety related, rather than actually a virus or something. It could be related to diet, we don't always eat the best. But he does eat an apple a day, plus other fruits and veggies. I'm just not sure.

I did tell him no xbox the days he was home last week, but he played a lot over the weekend. The games turn him into a violent, reactive, foul mouthed child. And I hate it. I have tried to limit his time on it, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. When he gets to the point he's over stimulated by the game it's too late, he yells, I yell, we argue, and it does not end well. I am trying to limit things further but it is hard to find a balance of it. He plays online with his friends, and if he isn't playing he's wanting to watch YouTube videos of people playing. How does that make sense? I do not understand it. I fear he is quite addicted to the game and screens in general.

He is, and always has been, a sensitive child. Wearing socks can cause screaming matches. I finally found some with no seams in the toes that he can wear without a fit. But he also gets very upset if I am mad at him, or he thinks I am. He hates when his teachers are upset with him too. He places a lot of his self worth on being good at things, connects who he is with how well he can do something. If he makes a mistake it is the end of the world, he's the only one who has ever done such a thing, and he is worthless because of it. Self esteem is a bit issue for us.

So today a new plan because I can't miss more work. I wasn't planning to go today any way, but I thought I would have the day to myself to clean up a bit, and watch some Netflix. Instead we are working on a new plan and schedule.

He is walking home from school now, and I have been getting home a little before him. I will be changing my hours in November so get home later, and not have to use vacation days for PD days, so I can save those for the summer. That time from when he gets home until dinner is on the table he will be allowed to play OR watch his videos. Then we eat dinner together. After dinner he can choose a game, or toys, or a puzzle for us to do together, or we can walk the dog. Something together. Then he has homework or printing practice. He is quite upset that he loses marks for writing some letters backwards. So practice will hopefully help. I will contact the teachers to see if they can suggest something to help. He will be going up to his room by 7 to either watch YouTube or read, and then that's off by 7:30. He falls asleep with his light on, and I turn it off when I go to bed myself, but I will go up and turn it off earlier now. This should help him get a proper night sleep. I hope. He will still have early daycare until spring at least. I will see about starting work 30 minutes later, though that puts me getting home at 5 when we would normally be eating so I'm not sure I like that. We'll see.

We are also going to go through some of my paleo cook books and see what recipes he might like to try. We will try and clean up our diet more, do a whole foods type thing, less processed, less wheat/gluten. And see if that helps his tummy too. And my own. I haven't been very good about my own eating habits since the power outage. That was a good excuse to start eating lots of bread again. I need to clean it up so I can get back to feeling better myself. Plus I need to lose some weight! A lot of weight.

He is home today but will be going back to school tomorrow. No matter what. He's agreed to that. Hopefully I've covered the bases, more time connecting, less time on screens, healthier diet, better sleep habits. One of those should fix the sore tummy.

I know he is also worried about my dad. He's in the hospital with some heart problems. So strange because he is not a smoker, doesn't drink, eat a healthy diet, and was walking 5k 5 times a week. Now he can barely walk across the room. Sudden and dramatic. He's going for some more test this week, and hopefully it will be ok soon. Jackson is worried about him though.

He's also worried that I will put him up for adoption, that he's "bad" and I don't like him. He doesn't like it when I get mad at him. Which I understand, I was the same when I was a kid. I am hoping less screens, less xbox, and more time connecting, will help to fix that. It does make me wonder at my mothering skills though, perhaps I am a terrible parent who has been too lax, and made a monster. Which of course makes me feel terribly guilty, and also wonder how I could even think of having another child. Not only am a crappy mom but perhaps my son shouldn't have a sibling, how would he behave? Hopefully I am able to fix all this, but it is so hard to be a mom some days. We are very different in a lot of ways, this kid of mine and me. I am very much an introvert and I need alone time very much. He loves to be at least near people and not alone. It has been difficult for me, but as he gets older we find ways for him to be around friends and me to not. Still, how can I think I could do this again? Or with another child around? It needs fixing for sure. I need to fix it.

Happy New Year

We rang in 2018 asleep. Couldn't make it to midnight! Kiddo was yawning by 9. I was tired too. At least he's feeling better. He was sick a few days after our trip, and we stayed home from work for two days, so I worked half a day after our trip. Oh well! I go back to work on January 8th.

Last year had us taking a lot of trips, and spending a lot of money. This year we have one trip planned, and after that I need to focus on not spending so much. I need to save money. I want to buy a house someday. We also spent a lot on the pets, including the puppy. He is still a work in progress. I think we should have gotten an adult instead of a puppy, he is a lot of work and I cannot wait for him to calm down a bit.

I'm not really sure what our goals, or what my goals any way, are for the coming year. I want to be healthier, lost some weight, save some money. All the usual goals. I also plan to make a final decision on the second baby front.

I will need money, since I expect that I will need to use donor eggs at this point. I will be 43, my cycles have gone wonky, though I don't mind when it decides to skip a month! Well, except that I do feel much older than I am. Or perhaps I am as old as I feel? I need to lose some weight if I want to do donor eggs as well, I think I am close to the limit of what the BMI they will work with allows. I need to make the decision and feel ok with it. I may need to speak to someone, a professional. To sort out my feelings and help focus on a decision.

I think 2018 will be as any other year, me trying to be healthier, trying to do better with money. Kiddo will grow up and be himself. He will complain about having to go to boring school, he will hopefully do some swimming lessons, and perhaps play a sport. I will have to decide if he is going to do French immersion for grade 4. He isn't too happy in school right now. He complains that he doesn't really have any friends, no one cares about him, they are mean, and his teacher takes everyone else's side. I know he is smart, and has trouble because he is ahead of the curve in a lot of ways, and yet younger than the other kids since he is a December baby.

I have a week left until it's back to work. I hope I get some time to myself, I am very much an introvert who likes to be alone and kiddo is the opposite, wanting to be with me all the time. I love him, and love spending time with him, but it can be a bit much. And he doesn't understand, thinks it means I don't care about him or like him if I need time alone. How to deal with that? Not sure, but working on it. Usually I get some time after he's in bed, and that helps. But he has been staying up late because we're on vacation. So not time alone for me! It's only a week. Hopefully the cold lifts at least enough so we can go sledding or something. It has been cold warnings since before Christmas, a long time with terribly cold weather. It would be nice to get out and about. Even in winter.

First Appointment

Well. The doctor seemed nice. He told me at 41 my chances with IUI are about 5%. If I do IVF it goes to 15-20%.  But because I have a child, and have been pregnant before he thinks my odds are not too bad. Now the fun tests start. I have to get blood work done on day 21, which is next week. Then on Day 1 I call and have to schedule two ultrasounds, one to check my insides and the other the HSG. I also then need day 3 blood work, and they will recheck my thyroid. Apparently I also need STD testing, which kind of makes me laugh, I mean it's been like 7 years, or more? something like that any way! Oh well. And a urine test because he didn't do swabs to check for a couple things. Then I have to speak to a psychologist before I can use donor sperm. I sent a message to my insurance to see if that is at all covered. Fingers crossed!

I am also now on synthroid, which the pharmacist seemed to think would make me not tired, lose weight... yeah I'll believe it when it happens! I am supposed to take it separate from Calcium, Magnesium, Iron, which sucks since I take those at breakfast and dinner now... so I'll need to rejuggle those supplements. And I do hope they help.

Luckily the clinic is really close to work, so going at lunch for blood work will not be an issue. The ultrasounds will be a little tricky, but I'll manage. I think the HSG I will take the day off for, or at least half the day if I can. I've heard it's ok but also that it really sucks, so going based on it will suck, I'll take the day off, take advil, and cross my fingers.

When I asked about how long this all takes he said a month. Wow. I know it'll be about 3 weeks to get all the tests done, I doubt I will catch the October cycle, but November? Hmm. Crazy. Once I got to see the doctor, things seem to be moving.

Oh, he also expressed concern because of my hernia, which is where they would deal with an ectopic, if that should happen. I am not too worried about that, though I have read there is a higher chance of those when over 40, but he seemed to think it was only 1 or 2% so not a big deal.

It was kind of funny him talking about things in such simple terms, given the reading and research I've done. I may be new to the office but I'm not new to the terminology and details.

Now I have some next steps. And really need to let go of one more trip, which makes me a little sad. I know I will be able to take both kids in time, but I had hoped for one more with just Jackson. I know I could do Disney, but if I am pregnant at that time, it would be silly since I can't do a lot of the rides.

Any way! Everything is on track, I will start the thyroid meds in the morning I guess. I'd do one today and then tomorrow morning but I don't want to mess things up. I'll need to go for so many blood tests, Ugh. And all the rest. At least I've already had a look at the sperm bank catalogues and narrowed down my choices, as long as they are available when I need them I have a couple choices. That part seemed easy. I guess I'm not putting as much thought into it as I could?

Vindication and Frustration

I got a message from my doctor (or actually his replacement as he is on paternity leave until the end of the year). Apparently all my blood work yesterday is ok, except my thyroid. I was very happy to see I am not diabetic (always a concern with my family history). I was not too surprised by the thyroid results, since I noticed my BBT results the past month are below 97F and apparently that is a sign of low thryoid. The funny things is I went back over my old charts, going back to 2011 when I started, and it has always been that low. So for at least 5 years I have had a low thyroid. I should have had it checked sooner. I always just thought I'm fat and tired and that's the way it is. Even when I have tried to lose weight, it is a real struggle. And now I know why!

My doctor is recommending I get my level rechecked in a month, so I will do that before I go back to work. He also said I could leave it for the fertility clinic to manage. Which is fine as I'll have all my tests and things done by then. I think this could affect my fertility so I do want to get it taken care of.

I am a little frustrated with the place that took my blood though. They gave me this PIN so I could get to check my results, and of course it doesn't work. So I called the tech support number and the guy on the phone was less than helpful. He said he would "send it to IT" which always means it won't be fixed to me. So I will give it a bit of time, and then pay $5 to get them from the doctor's office. Frustration! Annoying. I'd like to see the results just to be able to compare and see where I am borderline on things. My relief is currently outweighing the frustration though. For now.

In terms of my plans, given the thyroid results I will be adding selenium sooner than I had planned, I was going to take it only when I was actively trying as it is supposed to help with implantation. I have read that it can help with a "sluggish" thyroid though so I will start it now. I am also going to try and give up eggs and dairy, possibly gluten as well. I'll start with 30 days, see if I can do it and how I feel afterwards. I do recognize that I may need to be on some medication but I will hear about that in 6 weeks or so.

Jackson is at daycare for a few hours today, which is a nice break for me. I got the grocery shopping done with no "help". I was pretty good at sticking to my list, and restocking a few things we ran out of. I'll go get him in another hour or so. He wanted to go play volleyball. He has been watching the olympics with me, and is quite into a few of the sports. So far I think he likes swimming best. Which is fun. Canada won a gold last night, when I told him the morning his only comment was "why don't the men win!" So I told him they were waiting for him to be ready to swim. He got a funny look on his face, so cute. I wonder if he will want to keep going with swimming since he's enjoying it so much right now. I have told him he has to decide what he wants to do in the fall, swimming, gymnastics, basketball or nothing. He needs to decide soon though, Sign up starts this week.

Week by week

This is Jackson's second week of swim kid level 1, and he has already passed! I am just so proud since he did the younger level about 5 times and couldn't get it. I've got him registered for level 2 to start next week, since he's on a roll we'll keep going. I only managed to find a low ratio class, and it's an hour later than this one so we'll see how that goes with it being at dinner time basically. We are on holidays though so can have a good snack before we go. He is really enjoying it, and with watching the Olympics has been trying out his swimming techniques from the races he watches.

He's been watching a lot and Canada is not doing that well. He gets very invested and quite upset when they don't win. I think it's a good thing to learn to deal with, but it is hard to deal with. I'm not sure why he gets so upset by their losses. We spend time talking about they are doing their best, and it's amazing they are good enough to get to the Olympics at all. Not sure it's helping but I hope so!

Since it has been 3 weeks from when my referral was sent I called the clinic to see if they got it and when I can expect to hear back. They had it and she booked my appointment for September 27th. 6 1/2 weeks away. Ugh. Oh well. I'll be back to work by then but it'll have to do. It gives me 6 weeks to keep up with getting healthier. It would be nice to lose a few pounds, but that may not happen.

I have managed to go for my regular blood work, and the ultrasound for my possible hernia. I have one more appointment in early September, then it's just waiting for the first appointment. I have heard good things about the doctor I've been referred to, which is nice to see. He is apparently quite nice and very good at answering questions. I know I will need tests, and beyond that not sure! I have been tracking my BBT again, how boring is that. It is lower than it probably should be, but it does show I've ovulated, so that is great. I have a bunch of OPT's and pregnancy tests I bought last year on amazon, they don't expire for quite a while still so I imagine I'll get to use them.

It has been really hot and humid here, all thoughts of walking around outside are not happening. I should be working out at home I guess, but I feel so ugh from the heat and humidity. I've been better about my eating habits, but the exercise just isn't happening this week. I did a few days of 10k steps last week but none this week.

I will say not having to worry about work at all has been very nice. I am very happy to be able to take all this time off in the summer. It is very nice to be able to fully relax, and just not do a whole lot.

Vacation week 2

One week of vacation is done and we are on to week 2. So far we've had more good times than bad but still have some moments when we both lose our tempers, and I should know better. I have been trying to keep calm, make things more playful. Sometimes it works, but I know I need to be in a good frame of mind to begin with, if I am tired and it's hot and losing it already, I have a hard time switching to that playful mood. Getting better though, I think any way!

He's been doing swimming lessons, 5 down, 4 to go. And he seems to be getting it! Crazy. He did one level in the preschool levels so many times. Now he's in swim kids and voila, he can swim! I elected to put him in the regular class, there are 6 kids in there. 4 boys and 2 girls. He is the youngest boy, but is holding his own and I think it helps that there are 3 other boys who are doing really well too. The two girls, well I'll be surprised if they pass to be honest. We went swimming yesterday as well and he practiced a bit and then also jumped in with a life jacket on. I still feel like I have water up my nose. But I survived. I cross my fingers he passes. We will decide whether he wants to do another set of lessons once we know that. If he doesn't I think we'll try some extra practices just us. See if it helps or not.

Yesterday we got a fish. A betta. And a tank and all that stuff. Jackson loves it. It's in his room and he's so happy to have a pet in there that won't attack his toes. We thought it was dead yesterday because it was hiding right beside a plant and not swimming around. But apparently that's what they do actually. I ordered one more plant and think we need another lower one for him too. He's very pretty, and hopefully he lives awhile! No name other than Purple Boy at this point. I'll suggest a few tomorrow and see if he goes for any. I'm still not sure why I said ok lets get a fish then. I was thinking a gold fish or something, but this guy seems easier actually. And he can't have any friends, so no asking for more fish any time soon! Honestly, I'd love a big salt water tank, but the work, the cost, the work... too much! This little guy will do. He is a bit scared of us right now but I am sure he'll figure out we're the food bringers and be happy to see us soon enough.

The plan this week is two days of daycare, Thursday and Friday. But he may go on  Wednesday as well. He misses playing with his friends since I don't play right. What can I say? I don't follow orders so well when playing. We do play games, and with some toys. We have also been doing that pokeman go thing, for fun. We don't really know what we are doing but he likes to catch them so we go for walks and try to find them. The first time we went out it was so hot. Two hours of walking, with a stop at the park to play. Ugh. I've been getting lost of steps in though, we don't walk that fast but we get the steps in and I think it counts for something!  I have not been doing the yoga I wanted to do, I'm so tired! I haven't been getting 8 hours of sleep. See I should be in bed already! But I'm not. I just want some "me" time after he's in bed, which is happening by 9, which is so late for me on a good day, so then I stay up until 11 and feel like crap getting up at 7.

I've been taking a prenatal, and added magnesium as well. It helps me sleep (also keeps me regular ha ha) and I've read it's good for pregnancy stuff. I realized I have many books on fertility and have been reading them all. Also have two more from the library on the way. I still haven't gotten a call for my appointment! I wish they'd call so this can get rolling. Shouldn't have waited so long.  I feel like I'm taking a lot of pills, and yet I'm sure there are more I could be taking. Prenatal, CoQ10, Omega 3s, vitamin C, B100 complex, probiotic, Ca/Mg/Zn combo and if we don't get out in the sun I take vitamin D as well. Oh, and now the magnesium too. I've been taking my BBT every morning at the same time, fitbit alarm helps with that. My normal temperature is low, like below 97F, and I think that is a sign of something not right. I have blood work to get done this week so perhaps it will shed some light. I suspect my thyroid is low or something. It's not like there is a reason to be really cold when it's so hot outside. And I am not sleeping with my mouth open. I did get an ovulation cross bar on my chart which was nice to see. Hopefully I am still ovulating!

I'm also feeling a bit sad. I won't be able to go on a trip this winter. Not if I'm actively trying or soon to be. With Zika buzzing around the places I'd be wanting to visit it just doesn't make sense to risk it. I will have to wait, and then travel with a baby and kiddo. I know it's possible, and I can do it. Certainly I'm not worried about travelling with Jackson any more. He knows what to do and gets it. Baby would add in a new dynamic, but I suspect we could manage something. Travel is on hold, but also held in my dreams. I do love cruises.

I think I will go to bed now. I may actually be able to fall asleep!  And hopefully stay that way all night long... fitbit is also good for tracking that, all the wake ups and tossing and turning I do. Could be worse, but at least 20 minutes a night of it. Most nights more. Oh well! Off to dreamland for me.

Waiting plans

I messaged the ladies in my local SMC group about how long it take to get in to the fertility clinic, and apparently it can be 6 weeks. Or more. I really should have started this sooner! In any case, I can't "sit still" while I wait so I have a bit of a plan. Since I will be on holidays in one week (oh I can't wait!) I only have one more normal week before I can relax a bit. I've been good about my vitamins, and I will be eating more vegetables starting now, but my other plans will wait for vacation.

My first goal for my 6 weeks off work are to get an average of 8 hours of sleep a night. I use a fitbit and it tracks my sleep so this should be easy to tell. I hope to be in bed by 10 most nights and will get up at 6:30 (or 7) in order to do a 20 to 30 minute workout (second goal!).  Goal three is to get 10K steps a day at least 5 days a week on vacation, though since we may go for bike rides and the fitbit can't count those as steps it may not work out quite that way. And fourth goal, I will be giving up coffee. Gulp. Except that I may have an occasional iced coffee because they are so yummy!! I hope to give up the tea I normally use to replace the coffee, and drink herbal teas instead.

My hope is that in 6 weeks I can lose 10+ pounds. I will be doing a 30 day yoga boot camp, it's online so I should be able to stream it to the tv and hopefully it starts out easy enough to keep me going. I think the yoga, better sleep, no coffee and more vegetables will allow me to feel rested and healthier. I sometimes get very tired, and yet wired. I can't sleep well even when I'm exhausted. I read things about adrenal fatigue, which could be completely made up, but which makes me feel like I could do something about this.

All this should let me help my body, get good test results, and be in a good mental space to move forward. I hope this will also build some momentum to allow me to continue when work starts up again in September. Though in order to keep the 8 hours of sleep, I will have to go bed much earlier since I have to get up so much earlier.

I hope we don't take too long to get a good rhythm going in the summer, with swimming lessons the first two weeks, and our only real plans to hit up as many splash pads as possible. Lots of time at parks, going for walks, bike rides, and of course playing in the nice air conditioned comfort of home. We will probably head to my parent's place for at least a few days before the summer ends and school starts up again.

For my last week of work I need to take my lunch daily. I had bought some really nice salad dressing at a local store but for some reason between buying it and getting home I lost it! I'm so sad because it wasn't cheap and I won't go buy another bottle any time soon. I have my good old stand by but I was looking forward to this stuff. Oh well, perhaps it'll turn up somewhere. Or I'll let it go.