Wow it's March!

 I can't believe it's March already. This year is flying by. So far it's going ok. Things are starting to open back up, so at least in terms of restrictions, things are getting better here. Jackson goes for his booster shot this Saturday, I wanted to get it as soon as possible so he is well protected as they remove restrictions. He won't have to wear a mask at recess, though he said he might still any way.

School. What a disaster, he's really only going because he has basketball tryouts going on this week, otherwise it is a struggle to get him there twice a week. I feel like this is such a wasted year. I wonder if we should have just stuck with homeschooling and been done with it. At least then I also wouldn't have to drive much in winter! I've been getting most things delivered and avoiding driving and being out as much as possible. I am really looking forward to spring though, and hopefully then going to stores again. Things are all frightfully expensive. Everything is going up so much! I'm trying to eat better, trying to do keto actually, but it can be expensive. I suppose that will help me cut back on how much I eat, as well as the carbs involved. 

Work is frustrating, I feel like I'm always being asked to do things without anyone understanding what's involved. It's getting a bit much, but I applied on a higher level process so if I get into that pool, hopefully it will lead to a promotion and then I guess I can't complain if they ask too much of me. That is the difference really. I'm not at a level where I should be the go to for other managers to ask questions. It is nice to be needed, but also too much at times. My team is growing, we are hiring more people to do the work and it's my job to set up who will do what, and ensure they are trained. 

We have a trip planned for May. I cannot wait. It's a cruise from Bayonne, we may drive. I currently have flights booked but may move those flights to something else, or who knows. We also have a cruise booked for August but I'm not sure if we'll do it or not. If we do, I may rebook it in a lower cabin to save some money. We'll see. Living through another winter here I would prefer to travel in winter and just stay home in summer, but you can't cruise to Bermuda in winter, and New York would be more fun in summer I think? Maybe any way. We could add a few days to the cruise in May in order to see New York some. Again, we'll see. 

I'd still like to move as well, but there are some good things about here, the cost for the biggest thing. And all the space. But oh I need to declutter and redo somethings. I want to get rid of some of the furniture, replace a few things, just update it to what I would actually like. I did buy a new TV stand with an electric fireplace in it, and a bigger smart TV that I am loving. It's even controlled by voice which is crazy. I'd like to get rid of my couch, keep the loveseat and a comfy chair, maybe add a new chair in the modern style I like. Also the table and chairs, it's a nice set but we never really use it. I could maybe sell it and we have a small white table that was used as a desk, buy a couple new chairs and voila! All the places we are looking at moving to have islands and I'd just prefer to eat there than also have a table and chairs. So it would make sense. I'm waiting for spring. Once the weather improves it will hopefully be easier to clean up a few things, donate them maybe. I don't really know at this point, the thought of it all gets overwhelming. At least some things are looking better. 

Although I have little choice in this any more, I am mostly ok with only have one child. Mostly but not completely. I have moments of grief, of regret, of wondering if it would still be possible. I can totally say I regret not moving forward when I was 41, regardless of what was going on. And that covid made travel so much harder so donor eggs became impossible for me too. I wish that right now I had two kids upstairs, or even sitting here with me. I wish that things were different. But I am also not sure I could do another round of elementary school. That place we horrible for him and me really. High school isn't proving to be that much better, but at least it's not as bad. And I have hope that it will improve when restrictions are lifted even more. I am 47 now. I know other women have had kids at this age or even older, but were they already menopausal? I haven't had a period since August 2019. There is no doubt my eggs are gone and my reproductive time is done. My son is 12, how much longer will he even be here with me? And then? I guess then I can do as I please, though what that will mean I have no idea. 

Goodbye 2021

 The past two years have been trying. I know we are much better off than many people, I didn't lose my job and have been able to work from home, kiddo was old enough to get vaccinated sooner than later, we managed to do well in the big picture. But oh it has been trying. Homeschooling did not go very well really, but when he finally went back to school it didn't last as long it should have. He has been missing a lot of days. I hope that he will get back when it starts back up again. Ontario has delayed that by two days, I'm not sure what that is supposed to do but there it is. I have to get back to work on Tuesday and we'll have to get back on a proper sleep schedule before then. Staying up late and sleeping in isn't the best, but sleeping in sure is nice. 

Christmas was quiet, we stayed home as my sister didn't want to hold a get together. There were a few presents, just enough I think. And we'll end up with just over two weeks of vacation, at home. Together. Just the two of us. That is one thing that I wish would get better. He has many anxiety issues that he refuses to address, and I can't help with when he won't let me. So there is no going to play with friends or even being able to play online with no monitor. We need to work on that, so he can go to school without worrying, and eventually be able to fly again without getting sick. Since he refuses to actually speak to the psychologist himself it becomes more difficult, I have to get him to listen to the advice coming from me. I wish he'd just go to one or two sessions himself, perhaps he'd find it helpful and want to continue on himself, leaving me out of the middle of it. Any way. We will work on this and hopefully he'll be able to go on whatever trip we have next, and go to school everyday. 

I wish we had moved, it would be nice to be a nice new place, but we've saved some money, which we've then spent on eating out (or ordering in I guess) and going on the quick trip to Disney. I am very glad we went on that, even though it's hard to remember it at all. Given the current variant, and everything else, I am worried we won't be able to cruise in March. As much as I really want to cruise. I guess we'll have to see, still have a few weeks to decide on what to do. My landlord is raising the rent, which is fair, and it's still lower than any comparable place nearby. It's hard in this area if I want to keep him in the school. 

Olaf is adorable, and quite a handful. He is doing better with the other cats. He gets along with the dog. Still has to sleep in his room most nights, he is just a lot at night and chases poor Elsa from my room which isn't fair to her. Hopefully he'll be good in a few more weeks, and we'll keep trying. He naps on the couch with KitKat now at least, and sometimes Snickers, but everyone loves Snickers. I love all the pets, they are all so cute and make me smile. 

A new year starts tomorrow. What will 2022 bring? No real ideas, I hope we get to travel again, I hope covid goes away or at least we learn to live with it more than we have been, no more lock downs. We are both vaccinated, I've been boostered as well. I am glad I'll still be able to work from home, I hope Jackson will get back to school and continues to do well. I need to cook more, buy less, declutter more, replace a few things, stick to a budget and move more. A lot more. 

I hope we are able to get away for March break, and in August. Perhaps we will move, but that's not a guarantee at all. Losing some weight would be nice, the moving more will help with that I think. And hopefully that will help with snoring, and energy. I should keep a better sleep schedule as well, and would like Jackson to have a better one as well. 

In the end, it will be another year, they continue on. 

Stir Crazy Winter Blues

 I'm sure it's because I can see a year of lockdown bearing down on us, but this winter I am going stir crazy. Not being able to go anywhere is frustrating. Though the places I want to go are Disney, Universal and a cruise, or to visit my parents. Even Jackson is annoyed and sad by it all. Yesterday I allowed one of his friends to come play in the snow with him, they played inside for a bit as well which made me nervous but I'm sure it'll be ok. We both can't wait for spring, and being able to get outside again. Walks, bike rides, playing basketball, going to the park. And visiting my parents of course. 

Every so often Jackson will say he wants a little brother, he thinks I should just adopt a 5 or 6 year old boy so he has someone to play with. But he's also said a baby would be nice and he'd help me with the baby. He obviously doesn't understand the whole process. It's time consuming and I don't know if I am cut out for it. I turned 46 two weeks ago, my body is done with the ability to be pregnant, though my doctor feels he needs to confirm this with a blood test, and I deeply regret not trying at least. I am not sure I could manage adoption, it seems easy in one way, kids who need a parent to love them, but hard in other ways. I feel like I have been through a lot with Jackson and all the issues. We are finally getting to a good place. It has taken a long time. Of course then I also have more experience with it all, maybe that has me more prepared. But realistically, in 9 or so years, I could retire. And then what? Maybe I should be content. But Jackson isn't. Would he be in another few years?

I decided to rejoin WW, not fully sure why. It was a good deal for sure, but it's hard to get back into. I hope I can stick to it this time and see some results. I think this is the time of year when I feel tired and lazy and discontent. I want to be doing more, and travelling, just enjoying life. Things I can't do with an infant very easily. Though I could try. 

March I plan to do some work in the house, move a few things around, clean a few things up/out, and replace a few items. I hope that spring arrives early as well, and we can start to get outside more. Since it seems we will be here this year, maybe we could do a proper garden space, or at least do some pots with veggies. I'll have to get the landlord to fix up the deck as well, there are a few rotted boards. They started last summer but with all the restrictions I didn't want to cause a fuss. Once the snow melts I'll take some pictures and let him know. 

Jackson is registered for Grade 7 in the fall, now to get him to do the math work I think he needs so he will be able to keep up with the other kids. Worst case, I'll pull him out again and continue with homeschooling. It will be different though, since I'm sure his friends will all be back in classes. The school board is setting up a few online only schools, with separate teachers and structure. It's an interesting thing and would certainly interest me but I can't see him doing ok with it. I hope that the new school is better than the last one, and he gets some good teachers. I also hope they contact me to discuss anything beforehand. I've told them about his diagnoses and I hope they take it seriously, and that he gets the help he needs in school, as well as out. 

The interesting thing to me is that as I learn more about ADHD I realize that he is very typical in his behaviour. So I wonder why the school couldn't understand and be able to help him more. Is he the only one in his school with this same diagnosis? Doesn't make sense. I guess we'll see if high school is better prepared. At least he'll have gym daily, which is a great thing from my perspective. And I will advocate for him, and also be prepared to pull him out. I refuse to have him in a situation where he is being made to feel bad about himself any more. At least I should be able to continue working from home even after covid so I can be here and deal with things like school a little more easily. 

Winter Blah

 Winter has decided to really roll in, with some snow and temperature's dropping. Of course since Ontario is in lock down we are stuck at home and it is starting to show. Jackson hasn't been playing with his "friends" the past few days so has been a bit more bored than usual. He has made friends with a boy in Ireland who enjoys the same game he plays in Minecraft, so he plays with him in the afternoon but there is a time difference so not all day. 

He's once again interested in dinosaurs and we have watched the same few documentaries over and over again, the then reenacts them with his dino toys, but there are fewer than there once were. I got rid of tonnes of them over a year ago, and he hasn't wanted to play with them until now. Of course now he wants more of them so I ordered a few but we'll see if they are what he expects. I don't plan to replace any more. There is a lot I don't want to replace any more to be honest. 

We have also been playing dinosaur games outside, but today was too cold for me. I am sure we'll be back out there tomorrow, and probably need to shovel a bit as well. He loves it, I tolerate it, and sometimes we take the dog out too. He gets cold so it's a good excuse to head back in. I know when I was his age, or younger, I played outside on my own but apparently that isn't a thing with kids now. I think if this had all happened when I was his age, if we'd had the technology, I'd have been ok to play alone. And I think sometimes this is harder for me because I have his care and mental well being to worry about. 

Between winter and covid and work, I am having a hard time. I am struggling with this round of lock down. I think the fact vaccinations are so close, yet so far away, is not helping. I really look forward to life returning to some semblance of normal again. I hope that Jackson will go back to school eventually, I hope that we will be able to travel, visit my parents, see friends. Get out of the house and DO something. It's taking a toll on both of us, he is bored and cranky, though he's been sleeping better. I am irritated and on edge. This is a struggle, the worst it's been yet. I really hope this lock down stuff ends soon. We need to be able to get out. I want desperately to be able to travel. Since we started doing our trips this is the longest we have gone without anything, before this it was 16 months and then we knew we were going back. This time it's been 17 months already with no end in sight. Likely 28 months or more. It's a first world problem for sure, but it is impacting my mental health. 

We still have rodents in the garage, though I've set traps and poison and tried to get rid of them. It's frustrating and I'm not sure what else I can possibly do. The back deck is still falling apart, I will let the landlord know about that in spring once the snow melts again. Though I don't want to live through it's repair or deal with them coming to check it out before it can get fixed. These are the things that make me want to move. But moving is so much work... and today I am not sure I can do it. I haven't got the energy or motivation to do the work that needs to be done. There is a lot of work to do here before we can move. I have so much I want to do, but I also wonder if moving is the best idea. The places I found outside of town are out, kiddo threw a fit about leaving the school he thinks he wants to go to. Even though he hates school, and his "friends" aren't always nice to him. I am so hoping the pediatrician appointment is helpful. Something needs to change. 

It's Beginning to Look Like Winter

 Snow is falling. We put up the tree, I decorated most of it, he helped a bit. It's boring I guess! I have put on all the ornaments that I really like, but it looks plain. I am wondering how much more I should put on there! And which colours. We have some assorted colours as well as some pink and purple ones. Hopefully the cats will leave it standing for 5 or 6 more weeks I guess. The new tree is a nice size at least, and the lights are fun, they can do different things but I have them on multi coloured. I'll have to get rid of whatever ornaments we don't really need any more. We do have too many! 

The snow may need to be shoveled tomorrow, we'll see. It is really coming down. I guess winter has decided to settle in! I still need to get Jackson new boots. It's easier to forget these things when we don't go out much. I'll order some this week and hope they fit him. I ordered a new snow coat, but still need to find snowpants. I am not sure how much he will play outside this winter any way, his friend down the street has moved away. Hopefully we'll still be able to go out and play, but he will be missing out on his recess friends. Of course with rates going up who knows how much longer schools will be open, even if he was going. 

I was reading back over my blog, for the past 9 years I've been wanting to give Jackson a sibling. Nine years! Why didn't I do something sooner? A message to anyone who reading who is thinking, do try! Go for it. Take a leap and don't wait for things to be perfect. With the shut downs going on, and my sad bank account, I am focusing on getting my health (weight) in better shape and saving up. I will be doing a no spend challenge in January/February, no eating out, nothing other than groceries, gas for the car and pet supplies. I will give Jackson his allowance of course, he'll get mad if he doesn't get it. But otherwise, nothing extra. Except my birthday, I will order dinner that night, I don't want to cook on my birthday! 

Hopefully I will be ready to do something in May, when I expect to get my back pay, possibly move, and have enough saved. I believe, because I am old and my eggs are dead, I will need to be on hormones for a few months to bring my cycle back and then I should be good to go. I may need to go back on synthroid, so by March or so I will talk to my doctor to get that going. Until then I am going to try and enjoy things as they are, and get ready. 

Another month is almost over!

 Time is a strange thing this year. It goes super fast at times, yet seems to be moving like a snail. I'm sure it's a covid side effect. With restrictions coming and going, school not happening really, and work the same, day after day. I am trying to stay positive, sometimes it's really hard. I know that when winter arrives it is going to get even harder. At least now we can go for walks, enjoy some sunshine. Once the snow starts, it will be harder to get out, at least for me. I haven't been that great about getting out for walks this past week. I have, what I hope, is a cold. I have no idea where I caught it, but I was exhausted for a couple days and Jackson had to fall asleep on his own. First time since he was about 3 or 4 he's done that. He was really good at it up until he started school. Then I had to sit with him until he fell sleep every night. Which has now been going on for so many years I've lost track. Now, finally, he's going to sleep on his own. Which means I can go to bed when I am tired! I don't have to wait for him to feel sleepy. He can stay up and watch his videos or whatever and I can be asleep. Its a game changer. He is a night owl, through and through. I am not, not when I have to be at work at 7. He had a rough few nights at first, staying up until 2 or 4, and sleeping until 11 or whenever. But he's back on schedule now. Last night he was asleep just after 11. Still feels late to me, but for a weekend, its ok.

He has been doing some math work, and realizing it isn't as bad as he thought it would be. He knew how to do the problems so he was happy about that. It only takes 10 or 15 minutes a day and he is learning a lot of other stuff as well. On his own. I would like him to do some reading comprehension as well, but we'll see if he's game for that tomorrow. I am not too worried about it, which perhaps isn't a very mothery thing to say, but I know he will learn what he needs to learn. 

One thing I am trying to cling to in all of this, I love being able to work from home. Though I do not care for my current job, I know opportunities will come up eventually should I want to seek them. And the ability to be home is amazing. Not having to drive to work, deal with people, winter driving, pay for parking, all of that is awesome. I have a space set up, finally, and can shut it all off at the end of the day. I am not sure where we will fit in the Christmas tree this year but I am sure we will manage something. I do still need to declutter the basement so maybe some of the toys can go down there, even if only for December. I do think we'll need a new tree this year. I'd love to get a smaller one, or perhaps a narrow one? Not sure, but the one we have is older than kiddo and the cats have destroyed a few branches from sleeping in it. I am sure they'll do that to another one as well, but perhaps if it is narrow we'll manage to keep it up and not broken. 

Kiddo will be 11 soon. Hard to imagine. I so regret not trying to give him a sibling way back when. I had chances but always thought this one thing would have to be perfect first, either my weight, or buying a house instead of renting. Whatever it was, I missed my chances. I am out of luck now it seems, apparently my family goes through menopause early so I'd have to spend a small fortune on the chance. And it sucks because if I had done this when he was 2 or 3, or even 6 or 7, I would have had to spend a little bit. I think we would have a better time of it now if we had another person around. He would certainly be a great big brother, he can be super caring and thoughtful. His temper tends to get in the way of things a lot. But even that is getting a bit better to deal with. Given the money I'd need to do donor eggs it would take at least another year, and after that, a year before a baby, and so kiddo would be 13. That's a really big age gap. And means a baby would be 8 to 10 when I am able to retire. Would that be good? Maybe. But I'd also have spent a lot of money so close to when I want to retire, which wouldn't be good. Though I also have a really good pension plan so does it really matter? Having to pay for a child with only pension income might be hard. But I could also do some consultant work, a lot of people that retire from my employer do that after. Lots to consider. But either way, I need the money to do it. Which I could have next year as I'll be getting a bunch of back pay. So yeah. I could maybe do it? 6-ish months to decide I guess. 

Easter 2020

Our normal Easter is with my parents, normally a big dinner with family, lots of talking and laughing. Today was different. Kiddo woke up at 4 AM and did manage to go back to sleep (thanks to Kit Kat who snuggled with him), and then got up at 7. He found the few Easter eggs I had hidden around the house, ate a lot of candy, and I went back to bed! I really overslept, and got up in time for lunch. Around 4 we did a group face time chat with my parents, my sister and her house, and my niece. It was nice to see everyone, and chat.

After the chat I made dinner, ribs and pasta for the boy, some stuff from the freezer for me. It was good, nothing special. All the days seem to blur together now so it's hard to say really that it was special or not. Everyday is pretty much the same, except the ones I have to work from 7 to 3:30. Which is a few days away again.

The animals enjoy us being home, the cats like to sleep near us, the dog is happy to not be confined all the time. I wonder how long it will last. But I wonder how long this will last for many reasons. I am fully expecting to not go back to the office until at least September. Even if I can go in to work, will there be daycamps available for the summer? And will I be able to afford them now, everything just keeps getting more expensive. I have people say they just moved their gas budget over to pay extra for groceries, great but my gas budget is about $30 every two week as it is, that isn't making up the difference in grocery costs.

Oh well, we'll manage. I am thankful I have a job still, am getting paid, and have options for how to proceed. If my child wasn't quite so picky when it comes to meals I would be much happier. Where did I go wrong there... At least we are still eating. I am eating too much, it is really hard to stick to a diet at all. Exercise is hard to do as well, I have the time but lack the motivation, and the weather is still cool. I am trying to keep active, hopefully the weather will improve, and if I have until September, perhaps I will be able to really get in shape and lost weight.

Jackson commented yesterday that he wishes he could go to school. What a change that is, but really he wants to be able to play with his friends more than anything else. He misses them and the games they played. Hopefully things will lighten up eventually. I know, I see the meme's, we aren't being asked to go to war or anything, just to stay home.

I am concerned about the trip I have booked for December, hopeful we will be able to go, but realistic that it probably won't happen. I have two back up cruises in mind for December 2021 instead, options to look at once I know better what's going on and when life will return to new normal.

And so it goes. Easter is over, candy is eaten. We remain at home, and the family will get together when this is all over, hopefully before Thanksgiving.

Feels like end of days

This Covid-19 thing is really getting annoying. It has sure escalated quickly. I guess at this point I am glad I cancelled my cruise plans for March break, given we'd likely end up quarantined or something. At least now I just have a week of March Break, avoiding crowds, and then TWO WEEKS of closed schools. So 3 weeks at home. I mean, I am able to work from home, so it should be ok, but wow... it's quite a thing! It seems everyone is in full on panic mode. Stores are nuts, shelves are bare, what are people doing? Do they think they will never be able to leave their home again? I just don't understand. I certainly don't have two weeks or more of food in the house. I do plan to buy 2 weeks of cat and dog food when I get paid next week, but I do that any way. For kiddo and I, well we could manage with what's in the house for a few days any way. But I certainly don't have a stock pile of things. I have a grocery list for this weekend, I can only hope the items will be in store!

I am off work until March 23rd, then working from home until April 5. It's crazy. I mean it's kind of nice, I like working from home, I feel I get more done, but it will be weird for sure. And it will be harder on the kid. Two weeks is a long time for no school, no going out. And he is not using my new laptop for playing his video games. He broke my last one, I had to get a replacement rather quickly, and now I finally received it. It is nice, and new, and pink, and not for his use! I will have to lock it up or something.

He has been getting to and from school on his own for a couple weeks now. Doing well with it, except eating chips for breakfast. Instead of cereal or toast or something. We will have to work on that. At least he hasn't been late or anything. Now the weather is starting to get nicer, it will be even better.

I have joined WW, again, and am starting to walk again. The sidewalks have cleared up well enough to go and not slip around. I am not doing great but am hopeful, and I have lost a pound or so. I hope to lose more, and perhaps being home for 3 weeks will help. I will at least be able to go for a good walk at lunch time. Perhaps I can start running. It is hard, normally sometime in January or February I start exercising in the basement, but this year I didn't. I have not been getting enough sleep, been lazy, and gained some extra weight. I signed up for 6 months, I hope it will be enough time to get some good habits. We'll see!

Getting Older

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 45. I don't feel old or anything, but I do feel unprepared. I have some regrets, some worries for the future, and a host of other feelings. Worry being near the top. We intend to go for dinner tomorrow night, so I don't have to cook, and so we actually go out, but that will be weather permitting I think. We are in the midst of a large amount of snow fall and the temperature has dropped again. It is supposed to warm up a bit again over the weekend. Not many plans for the weekend, I don't tend to do much in winter though I think that may be worse for Jackson. I wish we were going on a trip this year but it's not in the cards. Not until December any way.

Based on where I work, I could retire at 55, just 10 years away. But I think I will have to work until 59. There is a course I can take on retirement at work that I guess I should take now. I am banking on the pension plan, so I will need to make sure my best years are high enough to be able to manage after I retire. Of course I will want to travel, spend winter some place warmer. Not sure I will be able to do any of that, but I will hope (and plan at some point). I am not prepared to be a decade away from retirement, though I look forward to not having to work. I worry that I won't be able to do it, that I will have to work much longer, and not be able to retire ever.

I have regrets, as Jackson has gotten older I find I deeply regret not giving him a sibling when he was 2 or 3, I wonder if it might have made our problems easier, perhaps if he had a built in friend to play with things might have been easier especially in terms of getting the screens out of our lives. I feel like I would love to be able to provide that sibling even now, but 10 years to retirement? I wouldn't be able to do that with a new baby, and adoption is too difficult right now. The logistics of it, and with the problems we are having, it seems like it would be too difficult to manage. He has been having more trouble in school, I am hoping that we have a handle on it but you never know. He has been somewhat ostracized by his friends, not getting invited to birthday parties, none of them wanting to come play. It worries me too.

Still looking at moving, not sure when or where now though. With all the issues at school I wonder if it would be a good break to change schools. Clean break and all that. It would be nice for him to have more choices of friends, perhaps a bigger school. I debate just switching him to the public school board. And so I consider where to move to. Or whether to move at all. This house is bigger than we really need, but it's also comfortable and a good location. Moving is expensive and a lot of work. We could move into something smaller, but I don't think it would save money. And I'd probably have to park outside, in winter, which sucks. So I'm not sure what to do really. A lot to consider, and I've been making lists of course, and trying to think it all through. I don't want to make a decision too hastily, because I worry about the future and make decisions too quickly.

Here I am, turning 45. My life is not what I expected it would be but I keep going, keep making choices and trying to make it something good. I have a good job, that pays well and I'm good at. But that really bores me and is not inspiring. I can't imagine a better one though, I don't have a job in mind that would be amazing. I'll continue it, because it has a pension plan, benefits, and I am good at it. I hope that will be enough.

I have one child, I always imagined having 3, but sometimes one feels like more than enough. And yet it also feels like not at all enough. I long for a bigger family, more love. But it's also hard, my one kid is a bit hard to manage, and I miss so much the little kid he was, the adoring child who just wanted to be with me all the time. He still needs me every bedtime, but not for cuddles. I miss it so much, people are right, it does go by so fast.

I wanted to travel to some places, and while we have gone on a few trips, and I love our cruises and Disney vacations, there are other places I want to see that I'm not sure I'll be able to now. Or maybe I will after I retire. I also didn't really want to live here forever, but given my job it is now the only option. Again, until I retire. I guess I need to hope I will be able to retire.

January

This new year has been flying by in some ways, and crawling in others. I start a new position at work on Monday, meaning I have to go back to my old building, and find parking. I posted about it on facebook and got so many messages from work people who are happy to see me back, a lot of we can go for coffee or come see me messages. It is nice to feel liked. I am happy to be seeing them all again, and the past two years have been good for me I think. The manager may have been nuts but she did help me feel like I am a strong employee with a lot to offer. I have 15 years experience, ranging across the spectrum of jobs, from working with customers to headquarters supporting field workers and projects as well. I know stuff. I remember stuff. One of the guys says I have the memory of an elephant. I guess I do. The commute to the new job will suck, one of the bridges to get there is closed so it pushes traffic onto fewer roads. And I still haven't sorted out parking, which really sucks. And is going to cost more than I can afford right now.

Money, budgets, wow do I suck at this stuff! I am still paying for going to Disney and totally over spending. I really need to get it together or we not only won't be moving but we won't be able to go away in December. Focus on the budget and sticking to it. It is a big harder since I've been eating keto. I haven't actually lost any weight doing it but I feel better (except that I have been waking up with headaches a lot). My stomach has been running well, no tummy troubles, and I am starting to feel the energy benefits. I know it will take a bit longer to really get those (it's only been 2 weeks). I just can only hope I can afford to keep doing this, and to get the cats back on canned food. I had to give in and buy them dry food for the next two weeks, this job change is costing more because of the parking uncertainty.

Weather has been interesting, we seem to get storms on the weekend, Saturday into Sunday morning, spend Sunday shoveling and then the week is usually ok for the most part. I guess it is good since it means I have all day Sunday to shovel. I didn't hire anyone this year, hoping to use a one time service when needed but so far I haven't needed to. I do hope we can move before next winter, and we'll have a smaller driveway. the current one is two car lengths long, one wide, but we're on a corner which means we get the big dump of snow from the plow when it goes around. Go even 2 or 3 cars down and they get less than half what we do.

Jackson and I have been struggling, we have had a few blow outs about his lack of respect, he takes out his anger over things on me. I can only handle being called very mean things for so long before I get mad and say things I regret. I get that he feels "safe" with me to call me these things and he doesn't know how else to deal with what he is feeling. In my head I understand it, but dealing with it is very hard. I have so many other things I'm trying to deal with and of course he hits on all my insecurities, making me feel even worse. We're working on it but it is a trial. I am hoping next week goes ok in the morning so I am not late for work! And hopefully in 6 weeks we'll be able to have him out of daycare, getting to school on his own and home again after, so I can shift my hours to an earlier start. Possibly able to work an extra 30 minutes each day and have a day off every 3 weeks. We'll see!

As for moving, I waiver. My landlord has raised my rent for the first time since I moved in here, it is still less than I'll end up paying at the new places, and the house itself feels so much better after the decluttering was done. But there are still things I'd like to change, and have updated, and I do not look forward to dealing with the rotten deck, and grass cutting, in the summer. Even though I will have to this year any way since I won't be able to save enough until fall for a move. I do plan to slowly replace a few things before we move any way, like my headboard and the garbage can in the kitchen, maybe the TV & stand. I may get a new microwave as well, the one here came with the place and still works but there is this retro red one that looks so cute and goes with the new coffee maker I have. So I'd like to update a few things like that.

Of course I still need to declutter the guest room, the basement, and my own room and kiddos room. Our rooms are a bit less important, they have clothes in them, and probably some garbage, to be collected, but a lot of old clothes are in bags in the guest room (along with a bunch of other stuff that needs to go). I need to arrange for a donation pick up, or to drop stuff off somewhere, the pick up being easiest in terms of just putting a label on the bags/boxes and putting them outside. I had planned to do that for Feb 3 but perhaps I will wait a bit longer. I have not done anything about any of it, to be honest. I haven't even printed off the labels. The stuff upstairs should be pretty easy, label the bag and it can go out. Some stuff still needs to be in a bag, but that's easy. The stuff in the basement is harder since I don't have boxes of the right size so not sure what to do about it, I could put stuff in bags instead of boxes, but I will need more bags for that. And there is the storage room which has a lot of stuff in it, in boxes from when we moved. Some of it things like a quilt I started before kiddo was born, or the stuff from when I had a little side business making lotions. Things that I would someday like to get back to.

A lot of what remains will depend on which place I decide to move to. I think we really only need two bedrooms. The third would be nice as a place for his xbox and such but we don't need it. We won't have a lot of storage unless we move to the town home, rather than a two level flat. I want a town home since it will have a garage, for the car and his bike. But the other places will likely cost a lot less, so how much do I want to spend every month? I should save something on the utilities, I hope. But of course there will be set up fees for all the services. There will also be other things to get like new curtains, and breakfast bar stools. I will not have a kitchen/dining room table, we don't really need it if there is a breakfast bar to sit at for me to eat at. He eats in front of the TV any way, and I am tired of that fight.

January has been slow and long at the same time. Work was frustrating, trying to finish things, keep motivated to keep working, when I should have been let go to the new job well before I was. Now I'll play catch up on the new position and hopefully it will go well. Money has sucked, as always, and I need to pay better attention to it. At least I am eating pretty well, and Jackson is still eating a lot. He went skiing for the first time and had a lot of fun. Hopefully we get through the next few weeks well and can make it to spring without any problems. And he'll be ready to get to school on his own. Fingers crossed.

New Year's Eve 2019

Another year is winding down. A decade really. I will soon be 45! Jackson is now 10, double digits! It has been quite a lot. A lot has happened, yet it all still feels the same. Does that make sense? I'm not sure.

This year has been interesting, it started pretty well. We were in a good place in terms of his behaviours. He started the year with comments from teachers that they noticed an improvement in him. We are ending it not that well. He's been on all his devices far too much, and is angry a lot of the time. I try to connect but he rebuffs me a lot. I miss my sweet boy. It's hard, but we continue on.

My goal for the new year is to yell less, to connect more. I'd like to have a game night, and a movie night. To get him to put away the devices and play. I want us to be active together in the summer. Walks, bike rides, whatever.

I have been gaining weight for awhile now, it keeps creeping up and up. I know what I need to do, the doing of it is the hard part. I plan to eat less carbs, meal plan so that leftovers are accounted for and used up. I will start walking again in the spring, and I'd like to do yoga at some point. I should start exercising sooner than spring, but we'll see on that front.

My home, it never quite got sorted when we moved in, and we continued to add to the toys and "stuff" over the years. My parents hired someone to come help me clean it, so I spent two days with her cleaning the whole main level. I tossed so many bags of garbage and she took even more to donate. There is no clutter now, everything has a place. Even the kitchen is organized and feels like I can cook in it! I still have to do the basement and the upstairs, but I feel like I can do it now. I need to focus though, spend a day or even half a day and just get through stuff. I'll have to take care of the donating myself, so it probably won't end up where I would most like it. Only one place comes to pick stuff up, but that is the easiest for sure.

Money, well money sucks. I am very broke. The cruise I wanted to take in March is not going to happen. But I have a goal to move in August or September (depends when the places are ready). So I need to save, first, last, movers, buy boxes, and hire the clutter lady to help me unpack for a day or half a day, so I start at that place in the right way. I have a cruise booked for next December, and we will go on that one. I can do this, save enough for everything and still manage to feed us properly. It will require saying NO to kiddo more often than I do, but it can happen. I have a list of things I want for the new place, and others I think we'll need. The needs come first of course, and whatever else I can get is prioritized.

The decluttering, getting rid of so much stuff, was cathartic, and exhausting at the same time. I feel good about the house now, though it still feels closed off. I do imagine the new place will be easier to organize. There may be some more toys to go. For now though, it works. Being able to cook will help with eating better. Not tripping over things will mean I can vacuum more often. And it will just be better in the long run. Still a ways to go with two thirds not done, but the one third that is done looks much nicer.

The New Year will be about change. I change jobs in late January. We hope to move mid year and I hope to take Jackson out of daycare by late March. That is a big change. Keeping the house clean, eating better, moving more. I can do it all. It sounds big but most are actually small changes.

Merry Christmas 2019

Another Christmas. This one went pretty well this morning, especially compared to last year. Kiddo got things he hadn't asked for but said if he had known he would have asked for them. So that was good! He is playing video games with his friends now, we will head to my sister's this afternoon for dinner and to play some games. He got a few, cribbage, chinese checkers and backgammon. Classics. He got some chocolate bars, some candy of course, and some star wars things. He got two posters for his room, and I got him a weighted blanket which I hope will help him sleep! My parents got him a chromebook to take to school. I wouldn't buy it for him. I just hope he doesn't lose it or have it get stolen or something. Fingers crossed!

My parents were generous to me as well, they got me a really cool red keurig mini, a new fitbit and they are paying to have someone come spend two days getting rid of "stuff" from my house. Which is really cool. She is coming on the 28 & 29th, I am hopeful it will make a difference, and we'll be able to be more comfortable. The lady is great, she has a lot of energy and is very into it. Plus she takes all the stuff away, which is great.

For dinner this year we are having pasta, with a bunch of toppings and sauces, rather than a turkey dinner. I had planned to get a turkey to do for us but never got around to it, so we'll wait I guess, and see what happens. I may get one after Christmas, but we have a few meals in the fridge to cook and eat, so I don't want to waste that. I ordered a meal box this week, to avoid having to shop, but still ended up going for groceries, so that didn't work as well as I hoped! But we have 3 healthy meals for later this week. I will go and get a few other things later this week, pet food mostly. And probably some lunch items for him.

In January and February we will be on a "no buy" challenge, only getting things we NEED. As I try and pay a few things off, and save up to move. That may carry over into March. I will have to stop imagining we can go away at March break though. I love to plan trips, even when we can't actually go on them.

Now I could use a nap! I didn't sleep well, kept expecting him to get up early. He always has a hard time sleeping on Christmas Eve but did well last night. I could really use a nap though. Perhaps I will go lie down for a bit, we have a few hours before we head out again. At least we have two weeks off, no school or work until January!

Winter season and holidays

Winter arrived, then went away a bit. It's cold but we had some rain so all the snow melted. Phew! I am not a cold and snow kind of person, which is strange I'm sure, since I live in Canada after all. Winter of course, means Jackson's birthday party and soon after that Christmas. Which means so much money to spend.

He wanted to see the new Star Wars for his party but they don't do parties over the holidays so we settled on Swimming. It was less expensive than some choices, and I was able to book the date/time that works. He's invited 6 friends, there is room for one more but he'd better decide soon if he wants to add someone. My sister makes the cake, star wars themed of course. I have to get some loot bags or something, and provide some snacks. More money to spend. This time of year is often a struggle with money, especially as Jackson has gotten older and wants less toys and more tech.

This year he wants a laptop, and a cellphone with a data plan. He hasn't decided what to ask Santa for. Yes he still believes. And he is also worried that he'll end up with coal since he's "bad". I am not entirely sure how to proceed, I don't think he is a bad kid, he has some problems of course but in general he does try so hard. And we have been doing a lot better lately as well. My parents gave him their old ipad, with a kid proof case, and so I at least get my lap top back. Though he still wants to use it to play his games. But for now, it is going to help.

I got him a weighted blanket, which I hope will help with sleep, and make life a bit easier in that regard. I had planned to get him a new Xbox controller but I think my parents are doing that to go with the new game they got him as well.

For me, my parents want to pay someone to help me declutter and clean the house. I admit, it gets overwhelming. I am terrible at house work and keeping things neat, I tend to keep some things far longer than I should. I did some work today, cleaning a few things out and ready to recycle on Tuesday. Everything still needs work though, and we need to make room for the tree soon. Probably for next weekend. Not as much to do this year as last for that though, just the recycling I packed up today and somewhere to put the exercise bike. Perhaps that will go down to the basement.

Given how terrible I seem to be at money and cleaning, my desire to expand my family is probably pretty stupid. How would I manage? I admit, the last house was easier to keep neater with the wood floors, much easier to clean. I miss my robot vacuum but it broke and isn't worth it to try and repair. The choppy layout here makes it hard to use that any way. Perhaps it would work in the new place when we get to move next year. At least I hope we get to move next year! I should have saved more I guess, but we have enjoyed travelling. Which we will be doing much less of going forward.

Work is still frustrating. I have an interview on Tuesday for a new position but I'm not sure I am interested. I will talk to the hiring manager and see what it's about and how flexible they are on a few things. Otherwise I will stay where I am through winter at least. I would enjoy what I do if people would actually do their jobs and I didn't feel like I am babysitting them all. Including my boss. If only I was bilingual, I could be the boss. I don't speak french and don't feel like I can learn it, even the language training they would send me on is a year and you can't take vacations or anything. That's hard with a young kid. He is almost 10 now, but still can't stay home alone for any length of time.

2019 is winding down, the year has been interesting. Summer was really good and our Disney trip was awesome. but I wonder if I should have saved that money and done something else with it instead. I got a new car, and it is so awesome. I have spent a lot of time stressed, and it is wearing on me. Jackson has struggled but we seem to be doing better and I hope that continues to improve. I hope that 2020 will be an amazing year and am trying to get us settled to a point where it should be smooth sailing.

Winter already?

What is with the weather? A snow storm already, why is it starting so early??? I just do not like winter and snow. Yet I am Canadian, I mean we live in this. I have been here 44 years, I should be used to it! But wow this seems early. I don't know what I am going to do to get through this. I have a hard time going out and even walking in the snow. I don't ski, I don't skate. It will be hard to keep us busy and hopefully active. I hope the roads are ok by morning, or the commute will be terrible and I have a meeting in the afternoon that I need to be at work for. At least it's a short week, only 3 days to get through. But then it's full weeks until Christmas! Ugh again. I may need to take a day off to do my Christmas shopping, sometime in mid-December I guess.

Jackson really wanted a Star Wars birthday with the new movie, but the theatres don't do parties over the holidays so we can't. He's sad. I'm sad. But we'll go see it together. I will get us tickets soon. It will give us something to do over the two weeks off. It meant a back up plan for the party, so we are looking at swimming again. At least he likes to swim and everything. So hopefully that will be fun? It's about the same cost, and same number of kids. If we had a nicer, cleaner, more organized home it would be possible to do a movie party with coming back for cake I guess. But that's not an option this year at least. Maybe if we move.

I wish we could go on a trip this winter. I'm not sure how well I will survive it. I am trying to hold on to the thought of moving, thoughts of having another baby, but what I really want is a cruise and beaches. That's a "right now" kind of thought I guess. What the kid wants, a cell phone with a plan and a new computer. Since he's been using mine, he broke his table, I kind of wish he had his own as well. At least then I wouldn't be spending so much time in the basement. Though the cats are happy about that, they like to play with their toys without the dog trying to get in on the action. He's been playing a lot of fetch in the house, which he seems to love. We thought we lost his ball but found it. Now we have a back up since I bought a new one just in case.

We are going to my parents this weekend, need to stop and get kiddo's new passport photos done as well. Might as well get that sorted. It's hard to believe it was 5 years ago we got his first passport and were getting ready for our first trip. It sparked a love of cruising and Disney. One that I hope we can enjoy many more times.

Steady On

I've been doing pretty well with keeping up with the exercise. I'm not doing a lot but have been trying to do something, even when I can't get up early enough to do it, but do it after dinner. That is hard sometimes, but I've been doing at least 5 days a week. It's only been 3 weeks so far but going well! I am feeling more able to keep  up. The problem this week was my knees hurt, so I guess I was doing something too much. I've also been doing weight watchers online, though not perhaps as well as I should be. It's frustrating and a lot of it feels like I'm eating wrong, so it's hard to keep up with. We'll see how it goes. I only signed up for 3 months. I am not sure I am learning anything from it.

Winter has been rough. It has been very cold, and a lot of snow! It is unusual for so much snow in such cold temperatures here, I guess that's climate change? It is going to warm up next week for a few days. I've had to shovel a lot, which is annoying! I will try and hire someone next winter, at least I can see this year who is doing a good job so I know who to hire.

Work is work. It's been a struggle sometimes. My boss is a bit nuts, and things on the project are not really going well with her involvement. I may have some choices coming up in regards to positions, we'll see what happens. I have asked my boss if I can work from home in the morning and still work a full day. She has to talk to her boss apparently. The reason I want to is all for the child. He hates daycare but I don't feel he is ready to get himself to school. So I am trying to solve the problem, though really I just want to tell him to get over it. Apparently that's not how it works? I don't know! Any way. If it works out great, and if not I will have to re-evaluate my options. I like being able to work the extra 30 minutes most days so that I can use the banked time for PD days. Hopefully I'll be able to save up enough vacation to still take 3 weeks off this summer without having to take unpaid leave.

We are going to Disney in August, but I have changed us from one resort to a less expensive one. It is less convenient to the parks but still has a water slide, some nice places to eat and we'll be staying in a new room. It should be nice, and fun! I imagine it will be the last time for awhile. We will stick to cruising after this. Four years ago is when we went on the first trip... and I am still hooked!

Jackson has been having some issues, I still hate the xbox, and I am not sure I like him even having one. However, I can't bring myself to have the fight and take it away. I have limited how much he can use it, but we still fight about it constantly. If I am able to change my work arrangement, we will hopefully be able to have fewer fights. Right now, I'd like to go to bed and he wants to play his game. I'd also like to be able to catch up on some TV as well. Perhaps I need to get another TV for me? I don't like them in bedrooms but... maybe being able to watch Netflix in my room wouldn't be so bad?

I meet again with the school next week, on my birthday actually. Hopefully it goes well, just a touch base and meet the new vice principal. He started the new year doing well but I think it may have gone downhill from then. He has sick two days last week, then we had a couple snow days, and I missed  a week of work! Terrible. If he didn't have to go to daycare I think he wouldn't be sick so often. I am sure it's more that he hates school than anything else.

At least it's the weekend!

Happy Holidays

It's that time of year. When kiddo and I are home together for two weeks. And we try to find fun things to do when it gets super cold and I don't want to leave the house. Tonight will be a struggle, there will be a child who cannot sleep, much crying and carrying on. Tomorrow will hopefully be good. Though the kiddo also changed his mind on what Santa should bring two days ago... so that's going to end well I'm sure. I also managed to over spend, again, as I do every year. So we have not much money to do anything with. But sledding is free, if the snow keeps up. And we have some board games wrapped under the tree, so those will fill some time. I do wish I could fly some place warm, but not this year.

Tonight we are going to my sister's for a pizza dinner. She is picking up my parents so they can spend the few days with us. Dad can't drive even that far yet. Hopefully he is on the mend and will improve. But for now they are coming to my sister's house today and will go home on Boxing Day. We will probably go visit for a day somewhere along the break. Tomorrow is Christmas Dinner at my sister's as well. Yup, she has a bigger house and plays host. Plus I am not such a great house keeper and my parents are not allergic to my cats. We have carpet so it's never going to be really cat free, my sister has wood floors and only one cat. Any way. It works out in the end I think. We will open presents here then go over there in the afternoon.

I'm off work until January 7th which is great. We will be spending some time working on Jackson's anxiety or ADHD or whatever it is he has. I plan to take him to the doctor that first week back, since my doctor is off until then. He is finally agreeable to do that. He asks me why he gets to mad, and what we can do to help. I'm trying, he's resistant to any suggestion. I hope we will come up with some ideas that help over the holidays. I'd like him to try some simple yoga moves, meditation, perhaps some stress ball type toys and essential oils. Of course some of those things cost money I don't have right now. But we'll see what we can do! I also want to limit his xbox time dramatically. He seems to do ok when he uses his iPad but the xbox is a whole other level of issues. I fear he is getting stuck in certain reactions and it will be that much harder to get him to change those if they are so ingrained. Hopefully the new year will allow for some changes at school as well. He will have a new vice principal, who he met last week (says she is nice actually), and beyond that, I hope I can figure out how to help him interact with two of his teachers who have no patience for him. He has 4 teachers this year, his first block teacher is good, she is steady and seems to understand how to handle him. Second block is a nightmare, and to be honest, after speaking to the woman I am glad I don't have to spend time with her. She often sends him out to sit in the hall and work there. Alone. Because he is rude to her, and she doesn't like that. Never mind how she treats him. Third block is great, she is also the resource teacher and she is amazing. She actually checks on him in the other blocks when she knows he has trouble. He doesn't always tell her what's going on though. I hope he will take advantage of that relationship more. Then last block. He doesn't like her because she told me he could do better in class and needs to speak up more. I shouldn't have said anything to him, but didn't realize the storm that would brew. Now he is defiant with her because she "said mean things about him". working on that. I'll need to speak to her at some point, or go through the resource teacher for help.

It's all been a lot. But certainly has shown me that if I can handle this, and work through it, then perhaps I can handle a "special needs" adoption, to a certain level any way. Is it easier with my own flesh and blood? Perhaps, but kids need love. And I think that is something I can do. So I still intend to move forward with that, but not until April or May, and hopefully Jackson and I will have a better handle on his issues, and my own, so that we are able to grow our family. It would certainly be "easier" to simply go the donor egg/embryo route, but costly, and the age gap would be great, and I'm not entirely sure it would be any "easier" on Jackson to have a baby come home. I'm putting this out there, into the universe, because I think the universe will show me what I can handle and what we should do.

Last minute shopping is done, presents are all wrapped, plans are made, and snow is falling. Kiddo is watching Youtube, I'm not sure of the appeal, and I think I'll watch a movie or at least part of it while he is occupied. We go to my sisters later, and tomorrow is the big presents day.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and wish you a peaceful time.

Constant Battles

It feels like we are in a constant battle zone at our home. Everything I ask him to do is a fight of "I don't want to" or "Later". But later never happens. I am sooooo tired of this. I cannot keep doing it, I just can't! I'm exhausted and don't see how this will ever get better. I've tried limiting activities, he yells at me, calls me names, it's another fight. Getting out of the house in the morning on time, getting to bed on time, basic things like having a bath. When something is planned, something else is more "fun" so he doesn't want to leave the house, he'd rather play with his friends online.

I've made a chart, he does certain basic things and he's allowed to use the xbox or the ipad. But he still doesn't do them. And he still does use those things. I am so tired it's so hard to fight him. Exhausting. Friday night I went to bed, he stayed up until almost 11. How does that work? not well really.

I need to be firmer, stand my ground. But it ends up as a yelling match. With crying. and words we don't mean. I try to stay calm, and firm, but it never works for long. Never lasts. I wish we'd never gotten the Xbox, never let him play online, never let him use his iPad for Youtube watching. It's too late, the genie is out of the bottle. Now he won't play with toys, but he's only 8! He needs a "hobby" outside of those video games, and watching people play those video games. Next weekend I have him signed up to try an obstacle course class, I know it will be a fight to get him to go to it. As with everything lately. Fight to get him to school, daycare, fight to get him to bed, to go to the store with me. Everything. It's so exhausting. What can I give up on? He already refuses to bathe regularly, refuses to brush his teeth properly twice a day, brush his hair. Heck I did laundry this week and apparently he only changed his under pants once! But I know nothing and he won't listen when I give him why he should or shouldn't do these things. I'm stupid, I don't understand. He promises he'll do it at some point.

I'm failing. He is going to be a spoiled adult. He will be the one who blames everyone else, is always right, doesn't compromise or listen to others, and I don't know how to fix this any more. He was such a good kid, now he's a defiant child who thinks he is older than he is. He should be a kid. But he thinks he knows everything, and I'm not sure how to convince him otherwise. It isn't like he will suddenly start to do chores around the house or take care of himself properly. I can't win. And the Xbox and iPad need to GO. Heck even my own computer needs to go, perhaps the TV too? At least when we are together.

Something has to change, can't keep going like this. I just can't.

We have snow, already. It's going to be a long winter cooped up in the house. He has gone to a friends for dinner. I'll go get him around 7. Two hours to figure something out. Figure out how to limit these things and get him to participate in the house. I hope.

Happy New Year

We rang in 2018 asleep. Couldn't make it to midnight! Kiddo was yawning by 9. I was tired too. At least he's feeling better. He was sick a few days after our trip, and we stayed home from work for two days, so I worked half a day after our trip. Oh well! I go back to work on January 8th.

Last year had us taking a lot of trips, and spending a lot of money. This year we have one trip planned, and after that I need to focus on not spending so much. I need to save money. I want to buy a house someday. We also spent a lot on the pets, including the puppy. He is still a work in progress. I think we should have gotten an adult instead of a puppy, he is a lot of work and I cannot wait for him to calm down a bit.

I'm not really sure what our goals, or what my goals any way, are for the coming year. I want to be healthier, lost some weight, save some money. All the usual goals. I also plan to make a final decision on the second baby front.

I will need money, since I expect that I will need to use donor eggs at this point. I will be 43, my cycles have gone wonky, though I don't mind when it decides to skip a month! Well, except that I do feel much older than I am. Or perhaps I am as old as I feel? I need to lose some weight if I want to do donor eggs as well, I think I am close to the limit of what the BMI they will work with allows. I need to make the decision and feel ok with it. I may need to speak to someone, a professional. To sort out my feelings and help focus on a decision.

I think 2018 will be as any other year, me trying to be healthier, trying to do better with money. Kiddo will grow up and be himself. He will complain about having to go to boring school, he will hopefully do some swimming lessons, and perhaps play a sport. I will have to decide if he is going to do French immersion for grade 4. He isn't too happy in school right now. He complains that he doesn't really have any friends, no one cares about him, they are mean, and his teacher takes everyone else's side. I know he is smart, and has trouble because he is ahead of the curve in a lot of ways, and yet younger than the other kids since he is a December baby.

I have a week left until it's back to work. I hope I get some time to myself, I am very much an introvert who likes to be alone and kiddo is the opposite, wanting to be with me all the time. I love him, and love spending time with him, but it can be a bit much. And he doesn't understand, thinks it means I don't care about him or like him if I need time alone. How to deal with that? Not sure, but working on it. Usually I get some time after he's in bed, and that helps. But he has been staying up late because we're on vacation. So not time alone for me! It's only a week. Hopefully the cold lifts at least enough so we can go sledding or something. It has been cold warnings since before Christmas, a long time with terribly cold weather. It would be nice to get out and about. Even in winter.

Regrets

I try to live my life with no regrets. I don't like to dwell in the past, or feel like a choice I've made was a mistake. I like to believe that I am who I am, where I am, and I like myself, because of all those choices I've made. I may not be where I thought I would be at this age but I think I'm doing well.

Right now I am trying to not regret my choice to not move forward with having another child. It is proving difficult. I'm not sure why. I know it's best for me, for Jackson. But I always wanted to have more than one kid, three in fact, and now here I am at 42, almost 43, and it's too late. I never followed through last year, I would need to start over, new referral, wait 3 months to get seen, wait 3 more months to even try. My odds were 5% at 41, now what? Maybe 2%? what would be the point? And I will be too old for the covered IVF. I don't want to afford that. I could, I'm sure, work it out, but I don't want to. Never mind my cycles have been very irregular lately.

Canada is changing the mat leave rules, I'd be able to take 18 months off. It would be the same amount of pay as over the 12 months currently, but my employer tops up 12 months to 93% of my current salary. My son's school/daycare is going to be offering a toddler program starting soon, that starts at 18 months. Of course he's already in grade 3, so getting to a baby and that baby 18 months it might only be one year of overlap in the same place.

And I have about 14 years until I can probably retire, new baby would be 12 or 13 then? That would be difficult. I don't want to have to work an extra 10 years! I want to retire, buy a mobile home and drive south every winter! I know Jackson would have a hard time sharing me with a sibling, he has already said he wouldn't like it because he wants to be the baby. But of course today he wanted to be a big boy and walk to the park by himself, because it snowed and I didn't want to go out. We ended up at the park, after some yelling on my part. I wonder if my temper can handle another strong willed child.

So here I am, filled with regret over not trying for a second child when Jackson was 2, or 3 or 4... or even last year. Trying to get over it, with great difficulty.