Jackson has been "sick" for almost a week now. He complains he is going to throw up, his tummy hurts, his head hurts. I cannot tell if he is being legitimate or if he is trying to avoid school, or daycare. He has already said multiple times that he doesn't want to go to daycare in the mornings. It's too early, his friends aren't there, it's no fun. So what can I do? He's been home from school four days now. I suspect his tummy issues are stress or anxiety related, rather than actually a virus or something. It could be related to diet, we don't always eat the best. But he does eat an apple a day, plus other fruits and veggies. I'm just not sure.
I did tell him no xbox the days he was home last week, but he played a lot over the weekend. The games turn him into a violent, reactive, foul mouthed child. And I hate it. I have tried to limit his time on it, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. When he gets to the point he's over stimulated by the game it's too late, he yells, I yell, we argue, and it does not end well. I am trying to limit things further but it is hard to find a balance of it. He plays online with his friends, and if he isn't playing he's wanting to watch YouTube videos of people playing. How does that make sense? I do not understand it. I fear he is quite addicted to the game and screens in general.
He is, and always has been, a sensitive child. Wearing socks can cause screaming matches. I finally found some with no seams in the toes that he can wear without a fit. But he also gets very upset if I am mad at him, or he thinks I am. He hates when his teachers are upset with him too. He places a lot of his self worth on being good at things, connects who he is with how well he can do something. If he makes a mistake it is the end of the world, he's the only one who has ever done such a thing, and he is worthless because of it. Self esteem is a bit issue for us.
So today a new plan because I can't miss more work. I wasn't planning to go today any way, but I thought I would have the day to myself to clean up a bit, and watch some Netflix. Instead we are working on a new plan and schedule.
He is walking home from school now, and I have been getting home a little before him. I will be changing my hours in November so get home later, and not have to use vacation days for PD days, so I can save those for the summer. That time from when he gets home until dinner is on the table he will be allowed to play OR watch his videos. Then we eat dinner together. After dinner he can choose a game, or toys, or a puzzle for us to do together, or we can walk the dog. Something together. Then he has homework or printing practice. He is quite upset that he loses marks for writing some letters backwards. So practice will hopefully help. I will contact the teachers to see if they can suggest something to help. He will be going up to his room by 7 to either watch YouTube or read, and then that's off by 7:30. He falls asleep with his light on, and I turn it off when I go to bed myself, but I will go up and turn it off earlier now. This should help him get a proper night sleep. I hope. He will still have early daycare until spring at least. I will see about starting work 30 minutes later, though that puts me getting home at 5 when we would normally be eating so I'm not sure I like that. We'll see.
We are also going to go through some of my paleo cook books and see what recipes he might like to try. We will try and clean up our diet more, do a whole foods type thing, less processed, less wheat/gluten. And see if that helps his tummy too. And my own. I haven't been very good about my own eating habits since the power outage. That was a good excuse to start eating lots of bread again. I need to clean it up so I can get back to feeling better myself. Plus I need to lose some weight! A lot of weight.
He is home today but will be going back to school tomorrow. No matter what. He's agreed to that. Hopefully I've covered the bases, more time connecting, less time on screens, healthier diet, better sleep habits. One of those should fix the sore tummy.
I know he is also worried about my dad. He's in the hospital with some heart problems. So strange because he is not a smoker, doesn't drink, eat a healthy diet, and was walking 5k 5 times a week. Now he can barely walk across the room. Sudden and dramatic. He's going for some more test this week, and hopefully it will be ok soon. Jackson is worried about him though.
He's also worried that I will put him up for adoption, that he's "bad" and I don't like him. He doesn't like it when I get mad at him. Which I understand, I was the same when I was a kid. I am hoping less screens, less xbox, and more time connecting, will help to fix that. It does make me wonder at my mothering skills though, perhaps I am a terrible parent who has been too lax, and made a monster. Which of course makes me feel terribly guilty, and also wonder how I could even think of having another child. Not only am a crappy mom but perhaps my son shouldn't have a sibling, how would he behave? Hopefully I am able to fix all this, but it is so hard to be a mom some days. We are very different in a lot of ways, this kid of mine and me. I am very much an introvert and I need alone time very much. He loves to be at least near people and not alone. It has been difficult for me, but as he gets older we find ways for him to be around friends and me to not. Still, how can I think I could do this again? Or with another child around? It needs fixing for sure. I need to fix it.
Monday, October 15, 2018
Sunday, September 23, 2018
The great Ottawa tornado and power outage of 2018
Whelp. Power is finally back on. It went out Friday at 6pm and came back on today around 6pm. It was a long time with no electricity, no internet, spotty phone coverage. Nothing much in our house to eat that doesn't require cooking. We are also lacking in good flashlights or lanterns.
Friday was a hot humid day, there were thunderstorm warnings and then around 5pm, while we were eating, there were tornado warnings. We have had a few of those before with nothing to show for it. I kept the curtains open to watch the wind and skies while we ate. After dinner I was cleaning up when Jackson got upset because his game kept "lagging him out". The power flickered and then went out. No problem, it was still daylight so we went and found the flashlights and then decided what to do. We played cards in the kitchen while I tried to get through to hydro to report the outage and then check the status of it. The phone line, twitter and facebook were overwhelmed and I couldn't get through. Around 8pm nothing was back on and I finally saw a message that power was expected to be resorted by 10am. So I suggest an early bedtime since we were in the dark. No problem. We chatted for a bit, I left the flashlight on while he fell asleep. Then went to bed myself.
Saturday morning we got up, still no power, and nothing really to eat. No coffee, couldn't get cold water from the fridge, no ice cubes, I didn't want to open the freezer. So we had some warm tap water, a granola bar, and waited. We played some board games, then around 10am I told him to get dressed. My parent's place still had power and they said Jackson could take his xbox out there. So by 10:30 we were on our way. I packed him a change of clothes, jammies and toothbrush just in case. It took and extra 30 minutes just to get out of the area because all the traffic lights were out. We picked up McDonalds on the way for everyone. My dad hasn't been feeling well, is on a bunch of medications and has been resting a lot. He enjoyed lunch though. After his nap I took my mom up to the grocery store and we picked up a chicken for dinner. I also got some bread, PB, honey and water drops. Also a bag of chips. Since we hadn't brought the dog I knew I had to go home after dinner.
Jackson stayed at my parent's place and I came home to the dark. I couldn't find one of the flashlights, so it was a dark, quiet night for me! I went to bed early. I had bread and PB for breakfast, and checked for updates. They were saying our power would be back on by evening. Around 1 I went back to my mom and dad's. I took a load of laundry, and stopped at Walmart to get a lantern, better flashlight, and taco stuff for dinner. After dinner, while mom and I were cleaning up, my sister called. Power was back on! Phew. I told kiddo we were going home, and there was a chance internet wouldn't be working. I also got the notice that schools were closed Monday, so no work or school. Long weekend!
We got home, hooked the xbox back up, and internet is working. So we have a nice evening at home and tomorrow I have to restock the fridge and freezers. A few things can be salvaged but others need to be tossed. Sad part is I just spent a bunch on groceries Friday... all gone. At least we ate the steaks for dinner that night!
Jackson really enjoyed being at my parents. He wished we lived there. They have a very neat, tidy, uncluttered bungalow. We have a messy, toy filled, very cluttered two story. So he's agreed that tomorrow we will start to put things away and declutter. Toys first. We have a lot of them that he doesn't play with so we'll get rid of them, even if they just get stored in boxes for now. Once stuff is put away perhaps we will be more comfortable here. Who knows.
I did miss some of my shows Friday night, they didn't get recorded and now I will have to watch them streaming and probably with commercials. Oh well. This whole thing has really made me appreciate electricity. The city has suffered greatly, the tornadoes destroyed homes near where we used to live. The electric depot nearby looks like it was attacked by missiles. It's been very frustrating but also pretty cool. So many people have offered so much. People I have never met offered me ice and a place to shower. I didn't accept but it's still very cool to see people so helpful during a crisis. Now that power is coming back on we are trying to be conservative, but man do I like being able to watch tv! and have lights on.
Friday was a hot humid day, there were thunderstorm warnings and then around 5pm, while we were eating, there were tornado warnings. We have had a few of those before with nothing to show for it. I kept the curtains open to watch the wind and skies while we ate. After dinner I was cleaning up when Jackson got upset because his game kept "lagging him out". The power flickered and then went out. No problem, it was still daylight so we went and found the flashlights and then decided what to do. We played cards in the kitchen while I tried to get through to hydro to report the outage and then check the status of it. The phone line, twitter and facebook were overwhelmed and I couldn't get through. Around 8pm nothing was back on and I finally saw a message that power was expected to be resorted by 10am. So I suggest an early bedtime since we were in the dark. No problem. We chatted for a bit, I left the flashlight on while he fell asleep. Then went to bed myself.
Saturday morning we got up, still no power, and nothing really to eat. No coffee, couldn't get cold water from the fridge, no ice cubes, I didn't want to open the freezer. So we had some warm tap water, a granola bar, and waited. We played some board games, then around 10am I told him to get dressed. My parent's place still had power and they said Jackson could take his xbox out there. So by 10:30 we were on our way. I packed him a change of clothes, jammies and toothbrush just in case. It took and extra 30 minutes just to get out of the area because all the traffic lights were out. We picked up McDonalds on the way for everyone. My dad hasn't been feeling well, is on a bunch of medications and has been resting a lot. He enjoyed lunch though. After his nap I took my mom up to the grocery store and we picked up a chicken for dinner. I also got some bread, PB, honey and water drops. Also a bag of chips. Since we hadn't brought the dog I knew I had to go home after dinner.
Jackson stayed at my parent's place and I came home to the dark. I couldn't find one of the flashlights, so it was a dark, quiet night for me! I went to bed early. I had bread and PB for breakfast, and checked for updates. They were saying our power would be back on by evening. Around 1 I went back to my mom and dad's. I took a load of laundry, and stopped at Walmart to get a lantern, better flashlight, and taco stuff for dinner. After dinner, while mom and I were cleaning up, my sister called. Power was back on! Phew. I told kiddo we were going home, and there was a chance internet wouldn't be working. I also got the notice that schools were closed Monday, so no work or school. Long weekend!
We got home, hooked the xbox back up, and internet is working. So we have a nice evening at home and tomorrow I have to restock the fridge and freezers. A few things can be salvaged but others need to be tossed. Sad part is I just spent a bunch on groceries Friday... all gone. At least we ate the steaks for dinner that night!
Jackson really enjoyed being at my parents. He wished we lived there. They have a very neat, tidy, uncluttered bungalow. We have a messy, toy filled, very cluttered two story. So he's agreed that tomorrow we will start to put things away and declutter. Toys first. We have a lot of them that he doesn't play with so we'll get rid of them, even if they just get stored in boxes for now. Once stuff is put away perhaps we will be more comfortable here. Who knows.
I did miss some of my shows Friday night, they didn't get recorded and now I will have to watch them streaming and probably with commercials. Oh well. This whole thing has really made me appreciate electricity. The city has suffered greatly, the tornadoes destroyed homes near where we used to live. The electric depot nearby looks like it was attacked by missiles. It's been very frustrating but also pretty cool. So many people have offered so much. People I have never met offered me ice and a place to shower. I didn't accept but it's still very cool to see people so helpful during a crisis. Now that power is coming back on we are trying to be conservative, but man do I like being able to watch tv! and have lights on.
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
Grade 4!
Jackson has started grade 4. He is doing French Immersion this year, it starts in Grade 4 at his school. He has half the day in English and half in French. He was quite pleased with who his teachers are this year, seems to like them all (so far). He has 4 teachers! Seems like a lot but I think it will be good for him. if there is one he doesn't get along with very well then he only has her for a short block.
He has first block in English - language, religion and family life. Second block is in English as well but with a different teacher, just for math. After lunch he has his Immersion class for science, phys ed, health, music and dance. Then last block is a different French teacher for language, social studies, visual arts and drama. He has friends in his class, as well as his Immersion class which is a different group than the other classes.
He does not like school, doesn't want to go, but hopefully it will go ok this year. He has two weeks of after school daycare and then he will be walking home. I have to sign some forms, but he is very excited for the responsibility. I got a lock box for the front door so he doesn't have to carry a key, just remember the code. It should work ok to start at least. We can see if it is going well or if we need to do something else. He will still have before school daycare because I don't trust him to leave the video games in time to get to school. We will see about next year!
I go back to work tomorrow, so am enjoying a final day off without kiddo, able to watch some something on TV, other than him playing video games. After this, no breaks until the long weekend in October! Ugh. I have enjoyed the time off. I wish it was longer, yet it was quite long. I think the pets are going to be sad tomorrow, especially the dog who spends the day in his crate. Hopefully he'll be able to be out soon, but right now he is just a terror! :-) He gets into stuff, loves to shred tissues and paper, and will do his business when he feels like it, so if I'm not home to let him out he won't hold it. We are working on that! He's good in his crate so I know he can do it, just doesn't like to I guess.
It's back to school and the temperature is hot, heat warnings in effect. At least kiddo's class room is air conditioned, not all of the rooms are. I imagine it will be hot at recess and if he decides he wants to walk home today. I give him the option these few weeks as practice. At least we are doing some walking.
He has first block in English - language, religion and family life. Second block is in English as well but with a different teacher, just for math. After lunch he has his Immersion class for science, phys ed, health, music and dance. Then last block is a different French teacher for language, social studies, visual arts and drama. He has friends in his class, as well as his Immersion class which is a different group than the other classes.
He does not like school, doesn't want to go, but hopefully it will go ok this year. He has two weeks of after school daycare and then he will be walking home. I have to sign some forms, but he is very excited for the responsibility. I got a lock box for the front door so he doesn't have to carry a key, just remember the code. It should work ok to start at least. We can see if it is going well or if we need to do something else. He will still have before school daycare because I don't trust him to leave the video games in time to get to school. We will see about next year!
I go back to work tomorrow, so am enjoying a final day off without kiddo, able to watch some something on TV, other than him playing video games. After this, no breaks until the long weekend in October! Ugh. I have enjoyed the time off. I wish it was longer, yet it was quite long. I think the pets are going to be sad tomorrow, especially the dog who spends the day in his crate. Hopefully he'll be able to be out soon, but right now he is just a terror! :-) He gets into stuff, loves to shred tissues and paper, and will do his business when he feels like it, so if I'm not home to let him out he won't hold it. We are working on that! He's good in his crate so I know he can do it, just doesn't like to I guess.
It's back to school and the temperature is hot, heat warnings in effect. At least kiddo's class room is air conditioned, not all of the rooms are. I imagine it will be hot at recess and if he decides he wants to walk home today. I give him the option these few weeks as practice. At least we are doing some walking.
Wednesday, August 8, 2018
Family
My dad is quite ill. It's strange because up until a couple months ago he was walking 5 miles a day. Now he has lost quite a bit of weight, and is on a bunch of medications. He is finally feeling up to eating again so hopefully that will help. He also has had a few tests done and more ordered. And he finally got a new family doctor in their new town. That is good at least, he'll have someone to follow his care instead of having to wait hours in the ER to speak to someone. I hope he feels better soon. My mom is still worried about him, but happy he's starting to eat again.
Jackson and I had a fight at bedtime one night. He told me he wants me to get married and find him a father. He thinks that if he had a dad he would never have to be alone, and he'd have more money to play his game. I tried to explain you can't just run out and get a man to marry, that I'm not really interested, it's hard work, and that it probably wouldn't go how he thinks. But he was quite upset. He then also said he just wants a bigger family. I kind of broke down and told him I am so sorry I never gave him a brother or sister. He gave me a hug and told me he doesn't need a brother or sister. But I do feel badly about it. Not so much the dad part simply because I really don't see the need.
We have seen more of our family these past few weeks than in the months before. I suppose that is a good thing, but it's also different. I am very much an introvert, though I love my kid and being a mom, I also love to be quiet and alone, reading or whatever. It is one thing I do love about vacation, just the two of us and not having to be around people all the time. I find that draining.
Now I just need to grow our family. A little. Though it will be hard, and expensive. I know it can happen. I do regret not doing it sooner. So much. But I will still move forward, and do this. I am old, and my eggs are old. There are options, and I will follow them as best I can.
Jackson and I had a fight at bedtime one night. He told me he wants me to get married and find him a father. He thinks that if he had a dad he would never have to be alone, and he'd have more money to play his game. I tried to explain you can't just run out and get a man to marry, that I'm not really interested, it's hard work, and that it probably wouldn't go how he thinks. But he was quite upset. He then also said he just wants a bigger family. I kind of broke down and told him I am so sorry I never gave him a brother or sister. He gave me a hug and told me he doesn't need a brother or sister. But I do feel badly about it. Not so much the dad part simply because I really don't see the need.
We have seen more of our family these past few weeks than in the months before. I suppose that is a good thing, but it's also different. I am very much an introvert, though I love my kid and being a mom, I also love to be quiet and alone, reading or whatever. It is one thing I do love about vacation, just the two of us and not having to be around people all the time. I find that draining.
Now I just need to grow our family. A little. Though it will be hard, and expensive. I know it can happen. I do regret not doing it sooner. So much. But I will still move forward, and do this. I am old, and my eggs are old. There are options, and I will follow them as best I can.
Sunday, August 5, 2018
Hot Summer
We are officially on vacation! For 4 weeks together. I had a few days off before he was done day care for the summer. He doesn't know that though. I was supposed to clean the house, reorganize furniture, do a bunch of stuff. But I didn't do any of it. I did watch some Netflix, catch up on some TV, and spend time wondering what to do. We don't really have any plans this year. No big trips, no Disney. We aren't even going to spend a week at my parent's because they live so close now.
Which has turned out to be a good thing. My dad is suddenly on a few medications and going for a bunch of tests. He has water on his lungs, heart arrhythmia, and went in to the hospital for tests because of his heart burn. Which they still haven't done anything about. My mom is all freaked out, she seems to think he's dying and she was supposed to die first... so it's been fun. My sister is upset because my mom is. And I, somehow, am the one calming them all down. My dad doesn't seem overly worried, he's on some pills which is surprising, he has always been active. Up until a couple years ago he was doing marathons. Until they moved he was walking 5 miles a day at least 5 times a week. He is in great shape, no high blood pressure, doesn't smoke or drink except an occasional glass of wine. He eats fairly well and isn't over weight, or at least not by much if he is at all. So who knows what is going on. I think he had walking pneumonia or something and it's affecting his lungs and heart. I think he also has sleep apnea, but hasn't been tested for it. I hope he will end up going for a sleep study. He has a CT scan with barium on Tuesday, and then we'll have more information.
It is odd that I am the calmest about it all. Being practical I guess. I have some worry but not a lot. Not sure why? I guess we'll see how things go next week. Monday we are going to help move stuff to the basement. It's finally finished so they can move the boxes from the garage, and some furniture, down to the basement. Jackson will just be entertaining I'm sure. My brother in law and nieces will be there as well. I guess it's good they are so close now, it's much easier to help.
There is a heat warning today. I wish we could get out but it's far too hot out there. Hopefully it will clear up evening so I can walk the dog. Or he'll just have to run around the house. I'd love to go get some ice cream, but I shouldn't. It's really good though, and it's so hot out. But I am trying to be good. And will need to be sticking to my diet plan sooner than later. Plus it costs money, which I should be saving. Donor egg IVF is rather pricey.
I think I am settled on a plan of action. I have a plan for my health, a plan for finances, and am hoping to go to my doctor in September before I go back to work, so I can get a new referral, and also one to a psychologist so that will be covered by my work insurance. I think I could contact the EAP and they would likely give me some sort of consult free, but I'd like to be able to see someone who knows stuff about fertility. I'll need to do that before moving forward with donor eggs, etc any way.
I would like to go south this winter, but I can't because of zika, and financially it wouldn't make sense to do so. I need to save everything I have if I want to move forward. Plus I'm reluctant to go to an all inclusive. I've been researching them and it doesn't seem like it would be best for us. We do love to cruise, and go to Disney. My problem is the uncertainty in the US right now. Makes me reluctant to go there. Though I'm considering it for treatment. Oh well. I can't figure out where to go any way. Perhaps if I am successful we'll be travelling as 3 people at some point. But not likely until baby to be is 2 or 3. So in 4 years? Ugh. But that's ok.
I can do this. Somehow. I will figure it out. Somehow. Not sure why I am bothering with things to improve my egg quality when I know I'll need donor eggs. Doesn't make much sense. But I'll keep it up for now. Prenatal, CoQ10, Vitamin D, fish oils, vitamin C, magnesium and a B complex. Most of those are a good idea any way I think? And I'll add whatever is needed as I am closer to moving forward, I think there are a few things good to help with implantation.
So for now, we are on vacation. When school starts again in the fall the plan is for Jackson to be able to be an after school walker. It will save some daycare, give him some freedom, and should work out. I would be home 10 minutes or so after him most days. I will have to get a home phone, and work out something for the door so he doesn't need to carry a key. A smart lock with keypad would work. The home phone I'll sign up for next week, along with new internet, save a bit of money there too. I'd love to get rid of TV as well but there are still some shows I like to watch. For now the $50 or so I pay for that part is ok. If I can get the internet plus home phone for less than I currently pay for internet, well that sounds great to me. Then I need to get a lock and key pad, and we'll be all set. Well except for pants, shirts, shoes, snow suit, gloves, hats, boots, ugh!
Which has turned out to be a good thing. My dad is suddenly on a few medications and going for a bunch of tests. He has water on his lungs, heart arrhythmia, and went in to the hospital for tests because of his heart burn. Which they still haven't done anything about. My mom is all freaked out, she seems to think he's dying and she was supposed to die first... so it's been fun. My sister is upset because my mom is. And I, somehow, am the one calming them all down. My dad doesn't seem overly worried, he's on some pills which is surprising, he has always been active. Up until a couple years ago he was doing marathons. Until they moved he was walking 5 miles a day at least 5 times a week. He is in great shape, no high blood pressure, doesn't smoke or drink except an occasional glass of wine. He eats fairly well and isn't over weight, or at least not by much if he is at all. So who knows what is going on. I think he had walking pneumonia or something and it's affecting his lungs and heart. I think he also has sleep apnea, but hasn't been tested for it. I hope he will end up going for a sleep study. He has a CT scan with barium on Tuesday, and then we'll have more information.
It is odd that I am the calmest about it all. Being practical I guess. I have some worry but not a lot. Not sure why? I guess we'll see how things go next week. Monday we are going to help move stuff to the basement. It's finally finished so they can move the boxes from the garage, and some furniture, down to the basement. Jackson will just be entertaining I'm sure. My brother in law and nieces will be there as well. I guess it's good they are so close now, it's much easier to help.
There is a heat warning today. I wish we could get out but it's far too hot out there. Hopefully it will clear up evening so I can walk the dog. Or he'll just have to run around the house. I'd love to go get some ice cream, but I shouldn't. It's really good though, and it's so hot out. But I am trying to be good. And will need to be sticking to my diet plan sooner than later. Plus it costs money, which I should be saving. Donor egg IVF is rather pricey.
I think I am settled on a plan of action. I have a plan for my health, a plan for finances, and am hoping to go to my doctor in September before I go back to work, so I can get a new referral, and also one to a psychologist so that will be covered by my work insurance. I think I could contact the EAP and they would likely give me some sort of consult free, but I'd like to be able to see someone who knows stuff about fertility. I'll need to do that before moving forward with donor eggs, etc any way.
I would like to go south this winter, but I can't because of zika, and financially it wouldn't make sense to do so. I need to save everything I have if I want to move forward. Plus I'm reluctant to go to an all inclusive. I've been researching them and it doesn't seem like it would be best for us. We do love to cruise, and go to Disney. My problem is the uncertainty in the US right now. Makes me reluctant to go there. Though I'm considering it for treatment. Oh well. I can't figure out where to go any way. Perhaps if I am successful we'll be travelling as 3 people at some point. But not likely until baby to be is 2 or 3. So in 4 years? Ugh. But that's ok.
I can do this. Somehow. I will figure it out. Somehow. Not sure why I am bothering with things to improve my egg quality when I know I'll need donor eggs. Doesn't make much sense. But I'll keep it up for now. Prenatal, CoQ10, Vitamin D, fish oils, vitamin C, magnesium and a B complex. Most of those are a good idea any way I think? And I'll add whatever is needed as I am closer to moving forward, I think there are a few things good to help with implantation.
So for now, we are on vacation. When school starts again in the fall the plan is for Jackson to be able to be an after school walker. It will save some daycare, give him some freedom, and should work out. I would be home 10 minutes or so after him most days. I will have to get a home phone, and work out something for the door so he doesn't need to carry a key. A smart lock with keypad would work. The home phone I'll sign up for next week, along with new internet, save a bit of money there too. I'd love to get rid of TV as well but there are still some shows I like to watch. For now the $50 or so I pay for that part is ok. If I can get the internet plus home phone for less than I currently pay for internet, well that sounds great to me. Then I need to get a lock and key pad, and we'll be all set. Well except for pants, shirts, shoes, snow suit, gloves, hats, boots, ugh!
Saturday, July 28, 2018
What's next
I think I need to see a psychologist or something. I am having a truly hard time with decisions right now, and regrets. I wonder if talking to someone would help at all. I need a referral to have it covered by insurance. It has been a few months now of wondering what to do, wishing I had done something sooner when I thought of it, when I wanted to at first. Wishing that at 38 or even 41 I had moved forward and not made excuses. Perhaps excuses mean I don't really want to do this? I don't know. What I do know right now is that my doctor is on vacation, and by the time he's back I will be off with Jackson, and not able to go see him with kiddo in tow. So I will have to wait until September for that, if I don't change my mind, again. Until then I guess I will keep thinking about it. Try to eat healthier, take my supplements, and try not to spend too much money. Lots of thinking. Figuring this out.
I have read lots of other women's stories about how they had to mourn not having a husband or partner first, and then deciding to have kids any way. I've never had that, I have been in relationships, but I am more content on my own. I love being a mom though. Even though he does crazy things and at times drives me nuts, I love the bond and well, mothering. I think I have always loved that part, wanting to help others and take care of them. Most of my relationships have had that aspect to them, taking care of the other person.
The problem is that it would be hard, I can see how things that we do now would be harder with another baby in the house. Heck even the dog would be more difficult to manage with a baby around. Expenses, being able to travel. All harder with a baby. Yet those things don't really bother me. I know we'd make it work. My mom, she'd have something to say I'm sure. Even the process of appointment would be tricky with kiddo. If I decide I really do want to go to donor eggs in the US, that's travel that is hard to manage with kiddo around. I don't think taking him with me is a good idea, but options are limited.
I have been looking at AI's in the south for a winter trip, but know I can't do that if I want to get pregnant. The threat of zika is huge in my mind. Not worth it. But if I decide not to move forward then a trip will be needed. Normally we cruise but I am reluctant to go through the US with all of the uncertainty. Though I'm considering it for treatment. How crazy.
The funny part to me is I did not enjoy being pregnant. I was filled with worry, and actually had morning sickness the whole time. In the end I had to be induced because my blood pressure went up. I also had gestational diabetes. All in all, pregnancy was not fun. Even being induced, and labour, ugh! It was horrible. But of course the baby made it all worth it. I can hope that I know better now, and would do better now. I also hope that I would be able to use a midwife and have a better experience in general. It is one of the things that makes me question my decision though. I wonder if adopting would make more sense. But it's hard to do as well. So what do I do? Accept my past choices, and move on. Or keep thinking I have time to make a decision and make a new choice.
I guess I'll be doing a lot (more) soul searching, and perhaps try a bit of the secret. While reading up on my odds at 43, and 44... and possibly older? And eventually getting to talk to a professional.
I have read lots of other women's stories about how they had to mourn not having a husband or partner first, and then deciding to have kids any way. I've never had that, I have been in relationships, but I am more content on my own. I love being a mom though. Even though he does crazy things and at times drives me nuts, I love the bond and well, mothering. I think I have always loved that part, wanting to help others and take care of them. Most of my relationships have had that aspect to them, taking care of the other person.
The problem is that it would be hard, I can see how things that we do now would be harder with another baby in the house. Heck even the dog would be more difficult to manage with a baby around. Expenses, being able to travel. All harder with a baby. Yet those things don't really bother me. I know we'd make it work. My mom, she'd have something to say I'm sure. Even the process of appointment would be tricky with kiddo. If I decide I really do want to go to donor eggs in the US, that's travel that is hard to manage with kiddo around. I don't think taking him with me is a good idea, but options are limited.
I have been looking at AI's in the south for a winter trip, but know I can't do that if I want to get pregnant. The threat of zika is huge in my mind. Not worth it. But if I decide not to move forward then a trip will be needed. Normally we cruise but I am reluctant to go through the US with all of the uncertainty. Though I'm considering it for treatment. How crazy.
The funny part to me is I did not enjoy being pregnant. I was filled with worry, and actually had morning sickness the whole time. In the end I had to be induced because my blood pressure went up. I also had gestational diabetes. All in all, pregnancy was not fun. Even being induced, and labour, ugh! It was horrible. But of course the baby made it all worth it. I can hope that I know better now, and would do better now. I also hope that I would be able to use a midwife and have a better experience in general. It is one of the things that makes me question my decision though. I wonder if adopting would make more sense. But it's hard to do as well. So what do I do? Accept my past choices, and move on. Or keep thinking I have time to make a decision and make a new choice.
I guess I'll be doing a lot (more) soul searching, and perhaps try a bit of the secret. While reading up on my odds at 43, and 44... and possibly older? And eventually getting to talk to a professional.
Monday, July 2, 2018
Silly Kid
Jackson played on his Xbox almost all weekend. Way too many hours, but it was SO hot out I couldn't really blame him for it. Some of his friends were playing as well so he was talking to them over his headset. My dad got it for him, though the one he ordered is going back and has been replaced with one that connects properly. He is playing a free online game, but you can pay to buy things for it. Things that don't really help with playing the game, just "look cool". I have a hard enough time paying the fees to play the game monthly, I don't want to spend the money on something that frivolous! Especially when I need to save every bit if I intend to move forward with donor eggs, or even IVF.
We were talking about the new stuff at Disney that opened this weekend, and how long the waits are. I told him maybe we'd be able to go next year if I don't have another baby. He mumbled something about having a baby. I asked him what he said. He then told me doesn't want a baby brother or sister, who we should call Sam because it could be a boy or girl name. I asked why, just so he could go to Disney again? He said that didn't matter, but if we have Sam then we will have to buy more food, and then he won't be able to keep playing Xbox. I asked if that was all, he said there were other reasons. He told me that a baby would mean the house would be messier, he would have to share the Xbox. It was kind of funny. Nothing about having to share me, or not be able to go on trips, just concern that the baby would mean less "stuff" for him.
I do know my kid is spoiled, he basically gets everything he wants. We are working on that. I am working on my budget, and setting money aside for me as well. I tend to not get new things for myself until I have to. I am much more particular about what I will spend the money on now as well. I can't control what my parents buy the boy, but I can make suggestions.
I am still considering what to do about number 2, but I still wish I could use my own eggs and just do an IUI or two, much cheaper. But of course a much lower success rate. I think IUI and IVF would probably be about the same success rate now, of course using donor eggs puts that up significantly.
For now, I am trying to lose some more weight, and save some money. I will be cleaning the house up as well. Though I am reluctant to get rid of all the toys, perhaps we can sort them out and select the "best" to keep. I also want to take some supplements for egg health, and I guess I'll need another appointment with the fertility clinic. I do wish it wasn't such a process to get in, or perhaps not such a long wait. When I make the decision I would like to be able to do something about it then and not wait 3 months, during which time I am more likely to change my mind. I guess changing my mind is not the best? I know I will have to talk to a psychologist before I move forward, perhaps that will help.
We were talking about the new stuff at Disney that opened this weekend, and how long the waits are. I told him maybe we'd be able to go next year if I don't have another baby. He mumbled something about having a baby. I asked him what he said. He then told me doesn't want a baby brother or sister, who we should call Sam because it could be a boy or girl name. I asked why, just so he could go to Disney again? He said that didn't matter, but if we have Sam then we will have to buy more food, and then he won't be able to keep playing Xbox. I asked if that was all, he said there were other reasons. He told me that a baby would mean the house would be messier, he would have to share the Xbox. It was kind of funny. Nothing about having to share me, or not be able to go on trips, just concern that the baby would mean less "stuff" for him.
I do know my kid is spoiled, he basically gets everything he wants. We are working on that. I am working on my budget, and setting money aside for me as well. I tend to not get new things for myself until I have to. I am much more particular about what I will spend the money on now as well. I can't control what my parents buy the boy, but I can make suggestions.
I am still considering what to do about number 2, but I still wish I could use my own eggs and just do an IUI or two, much cheaper. But of course a much lower success rate. I think IUI and IVF would probably be about the same success rate now, of course using donor eggs puts that up significantly.
For now, I am trying to lose some more weight, and save some money. I will be cleaning the house up as well. Though I am reluctant to get rid of all the toys, perhaps we can sort them out and select the "best" to keep. I also want to take some supplements for egg health, and I guess I'll need another appointment with the fertility clinic. I do wish it wasn't such a process to get in, or perhaps not such a long wait. When I make the decision I would like to be able to do something about it then and not wait 3 months, during which time I am more likely to change my mind. I guess changing my mind is not the best? I know I will have to talk to a psychologist before I move forward, perhaps that will help.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)