This new year has been flying by in some ways, and crawling in others. I start a new position at work on Monday, meaning I have to go back to my old building, and find parking. I posted about it on facebook and got so many messages from work people who are happy to see me back, a lot of we can go for coffee or come see me messages. It is nice to feel liked. I am happy to be seeing them all again, and the past two years have been good for me I think. The manager may have been nuts but she did help me feel like I am a strong employee with a lot to offer. I have 15 years experience, ranging across the spectrum of jobs, from working with customers to headquarters supporting field workers and projects as well. I know stuff. I remember stuff. One of the guys says I have the memory of an elephant. I guess I do. The commute to the new job will suck, one of the bridges to get there is closed so it pushes traffic onto fewer roads. And I still haven't sorted out parking, which really sucks. And is going to cost more than I can afford right now.
Money, budgets, wow do I suck at this stuff! I am still paying for going to Disney and totally over spending. I really need to get it together or we not only won't be moving but we won't be able to go away in December. Focus on the budget and sticking to it. It is a big harder since I've been eating keto. I haven't actually lost any weight doing it but I feel better (except that I have been waking up with headaches a lot). My stomach has been running well, no tummy troubles, and I am starting to feel the energy benefits. I know it will take a bit longer to really get those (it's only been 2 weeks). I just can only hope I can afford to keep doing this, and to get the cats back on canned food. I had to give in and buy them dry food for the next two weeks, this job change is costing more because of the parking uncertainty.
Weather has been interesting, we seem to get storms on the weekend, Saturday into Sunday morning, spend Sunday shoveling and then the week is usually ok for the most part. I guess it is good since it means I have all day Sunday to shovel. I didn't hire anyone this year, hoping to use a one time service when needed but so far I haven't needed to. I do hope we can move before next winter, and we'll have a smaller driveway. the current one is two car lengths long, one wide, but we're on a corner which means we get the big dump of snow from the plow when it goes around. Go even 2 or 3 cars down and they get less than half what we do.
Jackson and I have been struggling, we have had a few blow outs about his lack of respect, he takes out his anger over things on me. I can only handle being called very mean things for so long before I get mad and say things I regret. I get that he feels "safe" with me to call me these things and he doesn't know how else to deal with what he is feeling. In my head I understand it, but dealing with it is very hard. I have so many other things I'm trying to deal with and of course he hits on all my insecurities, making me feel even worse. We're working on it but it is a trial. I am hoping next week goes ok in the morning so I am not late for work! And hopefully in 6 weeks we'll be able to have him out of daycare, getting to school on his own and home again after, so I can shift my hours to an earlier start. Possibly able to work an extra 30 minutes each day and have a day off every 3 weeks. We'll see!
As for moving, I waiver. My landlord has raised my rent for the first time since I moved in here, it is still less than I'll end up paying at the new places, and the house itself feels so much better after the decluttering was done. But there are still things I'd like to change, and have updated, and I do not look forward to dealing with the rotten deck, and grass cutting, in the summer. Even though I will have to this year any way since I won't be able to save enough until fall for a move. I do plan to slowly replace a few things before we move any way, like my headboard and the garbage can in the kitchen, maybe the TV & stand. I may get a new microwave as well, the one here came with the place and still works but there is this retro red one that looks so cute and goes with the new coffee maker I have. So I'd like to update a few things like that.
Of course I still need to declutter the guest room, the basement, and my own room and kiddos room. Our rooms are a bit less important, they have clothes in them, and probably some garbage, to be collected, but a lot of old clothes are in bags in the guest room (along with a bunch of other stuff that needs to go). I need to arrange for a donation pick up, or to drop stuff off somewhere, the pick up being easiest in terms of just putting a label on the bags/boxes and putting them outside. I had planned to do that for Feb 3 but perhaps I will wait a bit longer. I have not done anything about any of it, to be honest. I haven't even printed off the labels. The stuff upstairs should be pretty easy, label the bag and it can go out. Some stuff still needs to be in a bag, but that's easy. The stuff in the basement is harder since I don't have boxes of the right size so not sure what to do about it, I could put stuff in bags instead of boxes, but I will need more bags for that. And there is the storage room which has a lot of stuff in it, in boxes from when we moved. Some of it things like a quilt I started before kiddo was born, or the stuff from when I had a little side business making lotions. Things that I would someday like to get back to.
A lot of what remains will depend on which place I decide to move to. I think we really only need two bedrooms. The third would be nice as a place for his xbox and such but we don't need it. We won't have a lot of storage unless we move to the town home, rather than a two level flat. I want a town home since it will have a garage, for the car and his bike. But the other places will likely cost a lot less, so how much do I want to spend every month? I should save something on the utilities, I hope. But of course there will be set up fees for all the services. There will also be other things to get like new curtains, and breakfast bar stools. I will not have a kitchen/dining room table, we don't really need it if there is a breakfast bar to sit at for me to eat at. He eats in front of the TV any way, and I am tired of that fight.
January has been slow and long at the same time. Work was frustrating, trying to finish things, keep motivated to keep working, when I should have been let go to the new job well before I was. Now I'll play catch up on the new position and hopefully it will go well. Money has sucked, as always, and I need to pay better attention to it. At least I am eating pretty well, and Jackson is still eating a lot. He went skiing for the first time and had a lot of fun. Hopefully we get through the next few weeks well and can make it to spring without any problems. And he'll be ready to get to school on his own. Fingers crossed.
Saturday, January 25, 2020
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
New Year's Eve 2019
Another year is winding down. A decade really. I will soon be 45! Jackson is now 10, double digits! It has been quite a lot. A lot has happened, yet it all still feels the same. Does that make sense? I'm not sure.
This year has been interesting, it started pretty well. We were in a good place in terms of his behaviours. He started the year with comments from teachers that they noticed an improvement in him. We are ending it not that well. He's been on all his devices far too much, and is angry a lot of the time. I try to connect but he rebuffs me a lot. I miss my sweet boy. It's hard, but we continue on.
My goal for the new year is to yell less, to connect more. I'd like to have a game night, and a movie night. To get him to put away the devices and play. I want us to be active together in the summer. Walks, bike rides, whatever.
I have been gaining weight for awhile now, it keeps creeping up and up. I know what I need to do, the doing of it is the hard part. I plan to eat less carbs, meal plan so that leftovers are accounted for and used up. I will start walking again in the spring, and I'd like to do yoga at some point. I should start exercising sooner than spring, but we'll see on that front.
My home, it never quite got sorted when we moved in, and we continued to add to the toys and "stuff" over the years. My parents hired someone to come help me clean it, so I spent two days with her cleaning the whole main level. I tossed so many bags of garbage and she took even more to donate. There is no clutter now, everything has a place. Even the kitchen is organized and feels like I can cook in it! I still have to do the basement and the upstairs, but I feel like I can do it now. I need to focus though, spend a day or even half a day and just get through stuff. I'll have to take care of the donating myself, so it probably won't end up where I would most like it. Only one place comes to pick stuff up, but that is the easiest for sure.
Money, well money sucks. I am very broke. The cruise I wanted to take in March is not going to happen. But I have a goal to move in August or September (depends when the places are ready). So I need to save, first, last, movers, buy boxes, and hire the clutter lady to help me unpack for a day or half a day, so I start at that place in the right way. I have a cruise booked for next December, and we will go on that one. I can do this, save enough for everything and still manage to feed us properly. It will require saying NO to kiddo more often than I do, but it can happen. I have a list of things I want for the new place, and others I think we'll need. The needs come first of course, and whatever else I can get is prioritized.
The decluttering, getting rid of so much stuff, was cathartic, and exhausting at the same time. I feel good about the house now, though it still feels closed off. I do imagine the new place will be easier to organize. There may be some more toys to go. For now though, it works. Being able to cook will help with eating better. Not tripping over things will mean I can vacuum more often. And it will just be better in the long run. Still a ways to go with two thirds not done, but the one third that is done looks much nicer.
The New Year will be about change. I change jobs in late January. We hope to move mid year and I hope to take Jackson out of daycare by late March. That is a big change. Keeping the house clean, eating better, moving more. I can do it all. It sounds big but most are actually small changes.
This year has been interesting, it started pretty well. We were in a good place in terms of his behaviours. He started the year with comments from teachers that they noticed an improvement in him. We are ending it not that well. He's been on all his devices far too much, and is angry a lot of the time. I try to connect but he rebuffs me a lot. I miss my sweet boy. It's hard, but we continue on.
My goal for the new year is to yell less, to connect more. I'd like to have a game night, and a movie night. To get him to put away the devices and play. I want us to be active together in the summer. Walks, bike rides, whatever.
I have been gaining weight for awhile now, it keeps creeping up and up. I know what I need to do, the doing of it is the hard part. I plan to eat less carbs, meal plan so that leftovers are accounted for and used up. I will start walking again in the spring, and I'd like to do yoga at some point. I should start exercising sooner than spring, but we'll see on that front.
My home, it never quite got sorted when we moved in, and we continued to add to the toys and "stuff" over the years. My parents hired someone to come help me clean it, so I spent two days with her cleaning the whole main level. I tossed so many bags of garbage and she took even more to donate. There is no clutter now, everything has a place. Even the kitchen is organized and feels like I can cook in it! I still have to do the basement and the upstairs, but I feel like I can do it now. I need to focus though, spend a day or even half a day and just get through stuff. I'll have to take care of the donating myself, so it probably won't end up where I would most like it. Only one place comes to pick stuff up, but that is the easiest for sure.
Money, well money sucks. I am very broke. The cruise I wanted to take in March is not going to happen. But I have a goal to move in August or September (depends when the places are ready). So I need to save, first, last, movers, buy boxes, and hire the clutter lady to help me unpack for a day or half a day, so I start at that place in the right way. I have a cruise booked for next December, and we will go on that one. I can do this, save enough for everything and still manage to feed us properly. It will require saying NO to kiddo more often than I do, but it can happen. I have a list of things I want for the new place, and others I think we'll need. The needs come first of course, and whatever else I can get is prioritized.
The decluttering, getting rid of so much stuff, was cathartic, and exhausting at the same time. I feel good about the house now, though it still feels closed off. I do imagine the new place will be easier to organize. There may be some more toys to go. For now though, it works. Being able to cook will help with eating better. Not tripping over things will mean I can vacuum more often. And it will just be better in the long run. Still a ways to go with two thirds not done, but the one third that is done looks much nicer.
The New Year will be about change. I change jobs in late January. We hope to move mid year and I hope to take Jackson out of daycare by late March. That is a big change. Keeping the house clean, eating better, moving more. I can do it all. It sounds big but most are actually small changes.
Wednesday, December 25, 2019
Merry Christmas 2019
Another Christmas. This one went pretty well this morning, especially compared to last year. Kiddo got things he hadn't asked for but said if he had known he would have asked for them. So that was good! He is playing video games with his friends now, we will head to my sister's this afternoon for dinner and to play some games. He got a few, cribbage, chinese checkers and backgammon. Classics. He got some chocolate bars, some candy of course, and some star wars things. He got two posters for his room, and I got him a weighted blanket which I hope will help him sleep! My parents got him a chromebook to take to school. I wouldn't buy it for him. I just hope he doesn't lose it or have it get stolen or something. Fingers crossed!
My parents were generous to me as well, they got me a really cool red keurig mini, a new fitbit and they are paying to have someone come spend two days getting rid of "stuff" from my house. Which is really cool. She is coming on the 28 & 29th, I am hopeful it will make a difference, and we'll be able to be more comfortable. The lady is great, she has a lot of energy and is very into it. Plus she takes all the stuff away, which is great.
For dinner this year we are having pasta, with a bunch of toppings and sauces, rather than a turkey dinner. I had planned to get a turkey to do for us but never got around to it, so we'll wait I guess, and see what happens. I may get one after Christmas, but we have a few meals in the fridge to cook and eat, so I don't want to waste that. I ordered a meal box this week, to avoid having to shop, but still ended up going for groceries, so that didn't work as well as I hoped! But we have 3 healthy meals for later this week. I will go and get a few other things later this week, pet food mostly. And probably some lunch items for him.
In January and February we will be on a "no buy" challenge, only getting things we NEED. As I try and pay a few things off, and save up to move. That may carry over into March. I will have to stop imagining we can go away at March break though. I love to plan trips, even when we can't actually go on them.
Now I could use a nap! I didn't sleep well, kept expecting him to get up early. He always has a hard time sleeping on Christmas Eve but did well last night. I could really use a nap though. Perhaps I will go lie down for a bit, we have a few hours before we head out again. At least we have two weeks off, no school or work until January!
My parents were generous to me as well, they got me a really cool red keurig mini, a new fitbit and they are paying to have someone come spend two days getting rid of "stuff" from my house. Which is really cool. She is coming on the 28 & 29th, I am hopeful it will make a difference, and we'll be able to be more comfortable. The lady is great, she has a lot of energy and is very into it. Plus she takes all the stuff away, which is great.
For dinner this year we are having pasta, with a bunch of toppings and sauces, rather than a turkey dinner. I had planned to get a turkey to do for us but never got around to it, so we'll wait I guess, and see what happens. I may get one after Christmas, but we have a few meals in the fridge to cook and eat, so I don't want to waste that. I ordered a meal box this week, to avoid having to shop, but still ended up going for groceries, so that didn't work as well as I hoped! But we have 3 healthy meals for later this week. I will go and get a few other things later this week, pet food mostly. And probably some lunch items for him.
In January and February we will be on a "no buy" challenge, only getting things we NEED. As I try and pay a few things off, and save up to move. That may carry over into March. I will have to stop imagining we can go away at March break though. I love to plan trips, even when we can't actually go on them.
Now I could use a nap! I didn't sleep well, kept expecting him to get up early. He always has a hard time sleeping on Christmas Eve but did well last night. I could really use a nap though. Perhaps I will go lie down for a bit, we have a few hours before we head out again. At least we have two weeks off, no school or work until January!
Sunday, December 8, 2019
Ungratefulness
Jackson turns 10 tomorrow. For his party we went to the swimming pool, with 6 of his friends. They had a great time, then ran around the party room. He got a few nerf guns and a couple other presents. I only served cake and koolaid. I had chips but they ate the cake and then ran around so I didn't put them out. I assumed because the party was from 1 to 3, and swimming was the first hour, that at 2 pm I wouldn't need to serve anything lunch like. I guess a couple of the kids at least didn't have lunch. Oops. Oh well.
Today I let him go out with a friend most of the day and then open his present from my parents and one from me. He got a video game he's wanted. He set it up, really excited, and of course it was hard so he lost his temper and wants to sell it. Very frustrating to me. Then the phone I got him, he would rather have my old cellphone than a brand new just for him phone. Of course I set it up with a new child's google account for him, and it won't let him use regular Youtube. Only the kids version, which makes me wonder if that's the version he should have been using for everything. And makes me really angry. Ungrateful child.
I think it's typical really, he doesn't seem to appreciate anything that he has, from the stuff to the trips we've been on. I don't know that I can fix it, or teach it. I'm at a loss and it just really upsets me. I get that he is a child, and children are, by nature, selfish. But he fails to show much empathy or consideration. I know it's part of why he's had such difficulty in school, getting along with others. He is spoiled, gets everything he asks for or wants. Even a chromebook for school. He asked for it, I said no. He asked my mom, and my dad bought him one for Christmas. Why? I have no idea, they have them in the classroom so I don't know why he feels he needs his own. I'm sure it will get lost/broken/stolen.
My parents got a person to help me with my clutter for Christmas. So she came last week to evaluate my spaces and stuff, and she'll be coming for two days over the holidays to help me get rid of as much as possible. I hope it will make a big difference. A lot of the stuff is Jackson's toys, which he won't really have much say over. I would like him to help with two buckets of toys but otherwise I will make the decisions. She was very excited, and energetic and told me I have great space. I hope it will feel better once she's done. And set me up for an easy move next year. Maybe I will hire her to come help me set up the house once I'm moved in.
Now I need to figure out what to do with this stupid phone, it's a good freaking phone, 3 day battery life, nice big screen, good for videos and calls, he doesn't like that it doesn't have a button, well no kidding, they don't have those any more! Even my new one doesn't have that. I just don't know. I guess he's been spoiled for too long. Getting him the phone in the first place probably didn't help. But I can get rid of the home line again.
I wish I hadn't spent so much over the past few months, though I don't feel like I've overspent. I did increase how much I spend on the pets, they are eating better food and it shows. But it means I can't do the March Break cruise I had booked, and that makes me sad. I understand, and it does come down to the choices I've made, but I still wish I could afford to do it. The itinerary is just so nice, and it would be so fun. We'll have to wait until December 2020.
I got the new job, I start late January. The commute and parking will suck, but the job itself should be fun and I'll be around my friends more which will be good for me I hope. My current job has been frustrating and I am very tired of it. I look forward to moving on. Hopefully the new one works out! But if not I'll be back where I know more people and I'm sure will have the chance to move around if I seek it.
Today I let him go out with a friend most of the day and then open his present from my parents and one from me. He got a video game he's wanted. He set it up, really excited, and of course it was hard so he lost his temper and wants to sell it. Very frustrating to me. Then the phone I got him, he would rather have my old cellphone than a brand new just for him phone. Of course I set it up with a new child's google account for him, and it won't let him use regular Youtube. Only the kids version, which makes me wonder if that's the version he should have been using for everything. And makes me really angry. Ungrateful child.
I think it's typical really, he doesn't seem to appreciate anything that he has, from the stuff to the trips we've been on. I don't know that I can fix it, or teach it. I'm at a loss and it just really upsets me. I get that he is a child, and children are, by nature, selfish. But he fails to show much empathy or consideration. I know it's part of why he's had such difficulty in school, getting along with others. He is spoiled, gets everything he asks for or wants. Even a chromebook for school. He asked for it, I said no. He asked my mom, and my dad bought him one for Christmas. Why? I have no idea, they have them in the classroom so I don't know why he feels he needs his own. I'm sure it will get lost/broken/stolen.
My parents got a person to help me with my clutter for Christmas. So she came last week to evaluate my spaces and stuff, and she'll be coming for two days over the holidays to help me get rid of as much as possible. I hope it will make a big difference. A lot of the stuff is Jackson's toys, which he won't really have much say over. I would like him to help with two buckets of toys but otherwise I will make the decisions. She was very excited, and energetic and told me I have great space. I hope it will feel better once she's done. And set me up for an easy move next year. Maybe I will hire her to come help me set up the house once I'm moved in.
Now I need to figure out what to do with this stupid phone, it's a good freaking phone, 3 day battery life, nice big screen, good for videos and calls, he doesn't like that it doesn't have a button, well no kidding, they don't have those any more! Even my new one doesn't have that. I just don't know. I guess he's been spoiled for too long. Getting him the phone in the first place probably didn't help. But I can get rid of the home line again.
I wish I hadn't spent so much over the past few months, though I don't feel like I've overspent. I did increase how much I spend on the pets, they are eating better food and it shows. But it means I can't do the March Break cruise I had booked, and that makes me sad. I understand, and it does come down to the choices I've made, but I still wish I could afford to do it. The itinerary is just so nice, and it would be so fun. We'll have to wait until December 2020.
I got the new job, I start late January. The commute and parking will suck, but the job itself should be fun and I'll be around my friends more which will be good for me I hope. My current job has been frustrating and I am very tired of it. I look forward to moving on. Hopefully the new one works out! But if not I'll be back where I know more people and I'm sure will have the chance to move around if I seek it.
Sunday, November 24, 2019
Winter season and holidays
Winter arrived, then went away a bit. It's cold but we had some rain so all the snow melted. Phew! I am not a cold and snow kind of person, which is strange I'm sure, since I live in Canada after all. Winter of course, means Jackson's birthday party and soon after that Christmas. Which means so much money to spend.
He wanted to see the new Star Wars for his party but they don't do parties over the holidays so we settled on Swimming. It was less expensive than some choices, and I was able to book the date/time that works. He's invited 6 friends, there is room for one more but he'd better decide soon if he wants to add someone. My sister makes the cake, star wars themed of course. I have to get some loot bags or something, and provide some snacks. More money to spend. This time of year is often a struggle with money, especially as Jackson has gotten older and wants less toys and more tech.
This year he wants a laptop, and a cellphone with a data plan. He hasn't decided what to ask Santa for. Yes he still believes. And he is also worried that he'll end up with coal since he's "bad". I am not entirely sure how to proceed, I don't think he is a bad kid, he has some problems of course but in general he does try so hard. And we have been doing a lot better lately as well. My parents gave him their old ipad, with a kid proof case, and so I at least get my lap top back. Though he still wants to use it to play his games. But for now, it is going to help.
I got him a weighted blanket, which I hope will help with sleep, and make life a bit easier in that regard. I had planned to get him a new Xbox controller but I think my parents are doing that to go with the new game they got him as well.
For me, my parents want to pay someone to help me declutter and clean the house. I admit, it gets overwhelming. I am terrible at house work and keeping things neat, I tend to keep some things far longer than I should. I did some work today, cleaning a few things out and ready to recycle on Tuesday. Everything still needs work though, and we need to make room for the tree soon. Probably for next weekend. Not as much to do this year as last for that though, just the recycling I packed up today and somewhere to put the exercise bike. Perhaps that will go down to the basement.
Given how terrible I seem to be at money and cleaning, my desire to expand my family is probably pretty stupid. How would I manage? I admit, the last house was easier to keep neater with the wood floors, much easier to clean. I miss my robot vacuum but it broke and isn't worth it to try and repair. The choppy layout here makes it hard to use that any way. Perhaps it would work in the new place when we get to move next year. At least I hope we get to move next year! I should have saved more I guess, but we have enjoyed travelling. Which we will be doing much less of going forward.
Work is still frustrating. I have an interview on Tuesday for a new position but I'm not sure I am interested. I will talk to the hiring manager and see what it's about and how flexible they are on a few things. Otherwise I will stay where I am through winter at least. I would enjoy what I do if people would actually do their jobs and I didn't feel like I am babysitting them all. Including my boss. If only I was bilingual, I could be the boss. I don't speak french and don't feel like I can learn it, even the language training they would send me on is a year and you can't take vacations or anything. That's hard with a young kid. He is almost 10 now, but still can't stay home alone for any length of time.
2019 is winding down, the year has been interesting. Summer was really good and our Disney trip was awesome. but I wonder if I should have saved that money and done something else with it instead. I got a new car, and it is so awesome. I have spent a lot of time stressed, and it is wearing on me. Jackson has struggled but we seem to be doing better and I hope that continues to improve. I hope that 2020 will be an amazing year and am trying to get us settled to a point where it should be smooth sailing.
He wanted to see the new Star Wars for his party but they don't do parties over the holidays so we settled on Swimming. It was less expensive than some choices, and I was able to book the date/time that works. He's invited 6 friends, there is room for one more but he'd better decide soon if he wants to add someone. My sister makes the cake, star wars themed of course. I have to get some loot bags or something, and provide some snacks. More money to spend. This time of year is often a struggle with money, especially as Jackson has gotten older and wants less toys and more tech.
This year he wants a laptop, and a cellphone with a data plan. He hasn't decided what to ask Santa for. Yes he still believes. And he is also worried that he'll end up with coal since he's "bad". I am not entirely sure how to proceed, I don't think he is a bad kid, he has some problems of course but in general he does try so hard. And we have been doing a lot better lately as well. My parents gave him their old ipad, with a kid proof case, and so I at least get my lap top back. Though he still wants to use it to play his games. But for now, it is going to help.
I got him a weighted blanket, which I hope will help with sleep, and make life a bit easier in that regard. I had planned to get him a new Xbox controller but I think my parents are doing that to go with the new game they got him as well.
For me, my parents want to pay someone to help me declutter and clean the house. I admit, it gets overwhelming. I am terrible at house work and keeping things neat, I tend to keep some things far longer than I should. I did some work today, cleaning a few things out and ready to recycle on Tuesday. Everything still needs work though, and we need to make room for the tree soon. Probably for next weekend. Not as much to do this year as last for that though, just the recycling I packed up today and somewhere to put the exercise bike. Perhaps that will go down to the basement.
Given how terrible I seem to be at money and cleaning, my desire to expand my family is probably pretty stupid. How would I manage? I admit, the last house was easier to keep neater with the wood floors, much easier to clean. I miss my robot vacuum but it broke and isn't worth it to try and repair. The choppy layout here makes it hard to use that any way. Perhaps it would work in the new place when we get to move next year. At least I hope we get to move next year! I should have saved more I guess, but we have enjoyed travelling. Which we will be doing much less of going forward.
Work is still frustrating. I have an interview on Tuesday for a new position but I'm not sure I am interested. I will talk to the hiring manager and see what it's about and how flexible they are on a few things. Otherwise I will stay where I am through winter at least. I would enjoy what I do if people would actually do their jobs and I didn't feel like I am babysitting them all. Including my boss. If only I was bilingual, I could be the boss. I don't speak french and don't feel like I can learn it, even the language training they would send me on is a year and you can't take vacations or anything. That's hard with a young kid. He is almost 10 now, but still can't stay home alone for any length of time.
2019 is winding down, the year has been interesting. Summer was really good and our Disney trip was awesome. but I wonder if I should have saved that money and done something else with it instead. I got a new car, and it is so awesome. I have spent a lot of time stressed, and it is wearing on me. Jackson has struggled but we seem to be doing better and I hope that continues to improve. I hope that 2020 will be an amazing year and am trying to get us settled to a point where it should be smooth sailing.
Monday, November 11, 2019
Winter already?
What is with the weather? A snow storm already, why is it starting so early??? I just do not like winter and snow. Yet I am Canadian, I mean we live in this. I have been here 44 years, I should be used to it! But wow this seems early. I don't know what I am going to do to get through this. I have a hard time going out and even walking in the snow. I don't ski, I don't skate. It will be hard to keep us busy and hopefully active. I hope the roads are ok by morning, or the commute will be terrible and I have a meeting in the afternoon that I need to be at work for. At least it's a short week, only 3 days to get through. But then it's full weeks until Christmas! Ugh again. I may need to take a day off to do my Christmas shopping, sometime in mid-December I guess.
Jackson really wanted a Star Wars birthday with the new movie, but the theatres don't do parties over the holidays so we can't. He's sad. I'm sad. But we'll go see it together. I will get us tickets soon. It will give us something to do over the two weeks off. It meant a back up plan for the party, so we are looking at swimming again. At least he likes to swim and everything. So hopefully that will be fun? It's about the same cost, and same number of kids. If we had a nicer, cleaner, more organized home it would be possible to do a movie party with coming back for cake I guess. But that's not an option this year at least. Maybe if we move.
I wish we could go on a trip this winter. I'm not sure how well I will survive it. I am trying to hold on to the thought of moving, thoughts of having another baby, but what I really want is a cruise and beaches. That's a "right now" kind of thought I guess. What the kid wants, a cell phone with a plan and a new computer. Since he's been using mine, he broke his table, I kind of wish he had his own as well. At least then I wouldn't be spending so much time in the basement. Though the cats are happy about that, they like to play with their toys without the dog trying to get in on the action. He's been playing a lot of fetch in the house, which he seems to love. We thought we lost his ball but found it. Now we have a back up since I bought a new one just in case.
We are going to my parents this weekend, need to stop and get kiddo's new passport photos done as well. Might as well get that sorted. It's hard to believe it was 5 years ago we got his first passport and were getting ready for our first trip. It sparked a love of cruising and Disney. One that I hope we can enjoy many more times.
Jackson really wanted a Star Wars birthday with the new movie, but the theatres don't do parties over the holidays so we can't. He's sad. I'm sad. But we'll go see it together. I will get us tickets soon. It will give us something to do over the two weeks off. It meant a back up plan for the party, so we are looking at swimming again. At least he likes to swim and everything. So hopefully that will be fun? It's about the same cost, and same number of kids. If we had a nicer, cleaner, more organized home it would be possible to do a movie party with coming back for cake I guess. But that's not an option this year at least. Maybe if we move.
I wish we could go on a trip this winter. I'm not sure how well I will survive it. I am trying to hold on to the thought of moving, thoughts of having another baby, but what I really want is a cruise and beaches. That's a "right now" kind of thought I guess. What the kid wants, a cell phone with a plan and a new computer. Since he's been using mine, he broke his table, I kind of wish he had his own as well. At least then I wouldn't be spending so much time in the basement. Though the cats are happy about that, they like to play with their toys without the dog trying to get in on the action. He's been playing a lot of fetch in the house, which he seems to love. We thought we lost his ball but found it. Now we have a back up since I bought a new one just in case.
We are going to my parents this weekend, need to stop and get kiddo's new passport photos done as well. Might as well get that sorted. It's hard to believe it was 5 years ago we got his first passport and were getting ready for our first trip. It sparked a love of cruising and Disney. One that I hope we can enjoy many more times.
Wednesday, October 30, 2019
That time of year
Looking back over the past few years, it seems this is the time of year when I write about how much I wish I'd had another baby. And once again I am feeling it. Why didn't I do this when Jackson was two or three? Why didn't I do it at 41 when I started the process? Fear? Probably. Every step I run into fear. I get scared of the unknown, of how much work it would be, how much money it would cost. I feel like I sabotage any chance of moving forward. I choose vacations and travel over trying. Trips are easy to plan, trying for a baby is hard and full of unknowns. Full of possible disappointment. With Jackson it was easy, it was a decision but not, if it happened great but if not, it was ok.
And now I am 44. And Jackson is almost 10. We were talking about how things would be if he had a baby brother. He said he really wanted to have one. But he wants me to have a baby in December like his birthday, and NOW. And then he got upset he didn't already have a baby brother, not a baby sister. The past couple years have been difficult as we have been working through everything at school. The problems he has had, some other stuff too. The fact I still have to sit with him every night until he falls asleep. How would I manage that with a baby? I am just getting to a point where I stay up past 10, it leaves me exhausted a lot of the time, but I hate having to go to bed at the same time as him or shortly after, leaves me no time to myself. Which I do like. And a baby would impact that as well. It makes sense for us to stay as a family of two. But my heart aches. I have regrets. I feel I have made the wrong choices. Even though every trip has been amazing and fun and so worth it in the moment. The memories, some of the moments on the trips, those have been amazing.
I do feel I've made some poor choices along the way. Even now, I want to move to a newer place, still rent, but it'll cost me so much more, and the place is smaller, with no back yard, though I am terrible at yard work any way. Financially, should I? Probably not. But purchasing a home has gone way up and is out of reach. Homes have increased by $100K over the past few years. It is crazy, my salary hasn't gone up that much! And, as happens when I run into baby fever, I then put all that longing into getting a new pet, so when we move, I want to get another cat. Because 3 cats and a dog just isn't enough! Right? Ha!
The problem with having a baby is it's donor eggs and sperm, and the cost. Over $20K for one lot of eggs/sperm with one FET. Less than I've spent on all our trips combined, but way more than I have access to right now. And getting it? Will take at least a year, which puts me at 45 and makes it harder to do everything. So what do I do? Stick with letting it go, even though I can't (and should talk to someone I guess) or try, and work on my weight, keto diet?, and saving. Which means no trips. But I really want a trip. So am I deflecting my desires? Trying to push the regret away by focusing on a trip, moving, a kitten? And of course also trying to focus on connecting with Jackson, maintaining that and trying to work on it more.
I finally managed to get him a prescription for therapy, but can't convince him to go. I guess I need to get one for myself as well and actually follow through for myself.
As much as I wanted to attempt to adopt, the more I look into it, the more concerned I become. I have my hands full with Jackson's problems, it tries me as a parent. I am not sure I can handle another kid with issues like his, or worse, and that is a concern with adoption.
So here we are, the night before Halloween, and it's supposed to be a rainy one. October almost over, 2019 almost over. And I wish I had a bigger family, and regret my lost chances and the choices I have made. They were my choices, and I live with them.
And now I am 44. And Jackson is almost 10. We were talking about how things would be if he had a baby brother. He said he really wanted to have one. But he wants me to have a baby in December like his birthday, and NOW. And then he got upset he didn't already have a baby brother, not a baby sister. The past couple years have been difficult as we have been working through everything at school. The problems he has had, some other stuff too. The fact I still have to sit with him every night until he falls asleep. How would I manage that with a baby? I am just getting to a point where I stay up past 10, it leaves me exhausted a lot of the time, but I hate having to go to bed at the same time as him or shortly after, leaves me no time to myself. Which I do like. And a baby would impact that as well. It makes sense for us to stay as a family of two. But my heart aches. I have regrets. I feel I have made the wrong choices. Even though every trip has been amazing and fun and so worth it in the moment. The memories, some of the moments on the trips, those have been amazing.
I do feel I've made some poor choices along the way. Even now, I want to move to a newer place, still rent, but it'll cost me so much more, and the place is smaller, with no back yard, though I am terrible at yard work any way. Financially, should I? Probably not. But purchasing a home has gone way up and is out of reach. Homes have increased by $100K over the past few years. It is crazy, my salary hasn't gone up that much! And, as happens when I run into baby fever, I then put all that longing into getting a new pet, so when we move, I want to get another cat. Because 3 cats and a dog just isn't enough! Right? Ha!
The problem with having a baby is it's donor eggs and sperm, and the cost. Over $20K for one lot of eggs/sperm with one FET. Less than I've spent on all our trips combined, but way more than I have access to right now. And getting it? Will take at least a year, which puts me at 45 and makes it harder to do everything. So what do I do? Stick with letting it go, even though I can't (and should talk to someone I guess) or try, and work on my weight, keto diet?, and saving. Which means no trips. But I really want a trip. So am I deflecting my desires? Trying to push the regret away by focusing on a trip, moving, a kitten? And of course also trying to focus on connecting with Jackson, maintaining that and trying to work on it more.
I finally managed to get him a prescription for therapy, but can't convince him to go. I guess I need to get one for myself as well and actually follow through for myself.
As much as I wanted to attempt to adopt, the more I look into it, the more concerned I become. I have my hands full with Jackson's problems, it tries me as a parent. I am not sure I can handle another kid with issues like his, or worse, and that is a concern with adoption.
So here we are, the night before Halloween, and it's supposed to be a rainy one. October almost over, 2019 almost over. And I wish I had a bigger family, and regret my lost chances and the choices I have made. They were my choices, and I live with them.
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