A Vacation

 We have been back a few weeks already but we went on a cruise at the end of May. It was nice, I enjoyed not having to cook or clean, but it feels like we didn't really go. I also feel we didn't take full advantage of the time on the ship. Jackson watched a lot of videos on his phone, and we spent more time in the cabin than we used to. Part of that was avoiding too many people, and part was something else I think. 

The trip was nice, we drove down the day before, drove to the port, and drove home the day we got off. It wasn't too bad of a drive, I didn't know there were so many hills in that area, and the bridges to cross the border were really big and tall. It was nice to drive and not have to worry about timing of flights, but the drive home was tiring for me. It helped when I found some music to listen to. It is too bad Florida is so far to drive, but there is no way I could do that much driving. 

The cruise itself was good, it was different than pre-Covid in some ways, the menu wasn't quite as varied, the service a little slower in some places. The ship itself was very big, and the cabin was nice. We had a view of the inside of the park instead of the ocean. It was nice but we did miss the ocean view. The waterslides were a bit slow, and Jackson didn't seem to want to enjoy them. I am not sure what happened, he didn't want to make friends at all. He wanted me to go on them with him, while I would have much rather sat on a chair and watched while he went. I was also surprised he didn't want to do the rock climbing or zipline on the ship. We played a lot of mini golf though. 

The view from our cabin

We had 3 port stops but only got off the ship in two. Coco Cay was a lot of fun. I spent a fortune and we went to the waterpark area. We spent the day on the waterslides, I did the tallest slide once, and kiddo did it many times. We also swam in the ocean but hadn't taken our snorkels off the ship. It was still fun, and we had a good time. But oh we got burnt! We reapplied sunscreen multiple times but still ended up quite red. 

Nassua was ok. We went to Blue Lagoon Island but it was changed from the morning to afternoon and while I had thought we would be able to leave when we wanted but that turned out to not be the case. We were ready to go back after a few hours, but we couldn't. So we found a quiet spot and relaxed, kiddo in a hammock and I sat on a lounge chair. The boat ride back was nice enough, the captain told us a lot of stories about the fancy houses we were passing. We ended up being late for dinner, didn't even have time to shower so we were salty and sandy. I would do something different in Nassau next time. 

Relaxing in the shade

The timing of the trip was interesting. In late April my manager told us he was leaving the team. He asked me to act for him for two weeks in early May and then the new manager would start. So she started and was there for a week before I left on vacation. It was a good timing for her to really have to learn everything. When I returned, she told me that my team had really sung my praises (which was nice to hear) and that I am an asset to the team. She has really been good for the team, she has picked up on a lot of things without anyone saying anything. I will stay in my job for the summer at least. I am in a process for a position a level up, I write a test Monday to get into that pool. I hope it will lead to a higher level job, the raise would be nice, especially with all the costs for things going up.

Jackson hasn't been back to school since March break. They keep trying but he keeps refusing. So I am not even sure what to do at this point. The school year is almost over. I wish he'd at least go get his locker stuff, it sucks that I'll need to buy new stuff and he'll need to memorize a new lock for next year. He says he will go next year, I hope that is accurate. I know he is anxious about it now, and avoiding it is terrible for him. I also know it's not a fight I can win. I hope the summer will be good for him, and that his friends will actually go OUTSIDE and do stuff. They are all online way too much. No one likes to do anything active. Hopefully that will change when the weather is nicer. At least he is still in contact with friends from school. 

I have been feeling off, physically, mentally. Even after the trip I still don't feel fully myself. I know I am older, and at my heaviest weight ever. I don't quite know what is off, perhaps not enough sleep, worry for Jackson, worry about money, just being overweight. I have been trying to walk, to keep my steps up. I just lack motivation, the dog helps a bit, forcing me to get out. He doesn't always make me go though, sometimes we just don't. I know I should, I know it feels good when I do, why don't I? I remember whenever I get into the good habit of being active, I feel better and wonder why I ever stopped. But then I stop again. It gets too hot, or I think I can skip just this one day, and then I'm back on the couch. Perhaps someday I will get it and stick with it. Right now, walking is one thing I can do. Since eating is an issue with prices rising so much, fruits/vegetables are going up and up in price, as is everything else. I'll manage, and we'll eat of course, just perhaps not as healthy as I'd like. And perhaps not as many snacks as kiddo would like. 

Stir Crazy Winter Blues

 I'm sure it's because I can see a year of lockdown bearing down on us, but this winter I am going stir crazy. Not being able to go anywhere is frustrating. Though the places I want to go are Disney, Universal and a cruise, or to visit my parents. Even Jackson is annoyed and sad by it all. Yesterday I allowed one of his friends to come play in the snow with him, they played inside for a bit as well which made me nervous but I'm sure it'll be ok. We both can't wait for spring, and being able to get outside again. Walks, bike rides, playing basketball, going to the park. And visiting my parents of course. 

Every so often Jackson will say he wants a little brother, he thinks I should just adopt a 5 or 6 year old boy so he has someone to play with. But he's also said a baby would be nice and he'd help me with the baby. He obviously doesn't understand the whole process. It's time consuming and I don't know if I am cut out for it. I turned 46 two weeks ago, my body is done with the ability to be pregnant, though my doctor feels he needs to confirm this with a blood test, and I deeply regret not trying at least. I am not sure I could manage adoption, it seems easy in one way, kids who need a parent to love them, but hard in other ways. I feel like I have been through a lot with Jackson and all the issues. We are finally getting to a good place. It has taken a long time. Of course then I also have more experience with it all, maybe that has me more prepared. But realistically, in 9 or so years, I could retire. And then what? Maybe I should be content. But Jackson isn't. Would he be in another few years?

I decided to rejoin WW, not fully sure why. It was a good deal for sure, but it's hard to get back into. I hope I can stick to it this time and see some results. I think this is the time of year when I feel tired and lazy and discontent. I want to be doing more, and travelling, just enjoying life. Things I can't do with an infant very easily. Though I could try. 

March I plan to do some work in the house, move a few things around, clean a few things up/out, and replace a few items. I hope that spring arrives early as well, and we can start to get outside more. Since it seems we will be here this year, maybe we could do a proper garden space, or at least do some pots with veggies. I'll have to get the landlord to fix up the deck as well, there are a few rotted boards. They started last summer but with all the restrictions I didn't want to cause a fuss. Once the snow melts I'll take some pictures and let him know. 

Jackson is registered for Grade 7 in the fall, now to get him to do the math work I think he needs so he will be able to keep up with the other kids. Worst case, I'll pull him out again and continue with homeschooling. It will be different though, since I'm sure his friends will all be back in classes. The school board is setting up a few online only schools, with separate teachers and structure. It's an interesting thing and would certainly interest me but I can't see him doing ok with it. I hope that the new school is better than the last one, and he gets some good teachers. I also hope they contact me to discuss anything beforehand. I've told them about his diagnoses and I hope they take it seriously, and that he gets the help he needs in school, as well as out. 

The interesting thing to me is that as I learn more about ADHD I realize that he is very typical in his behaviour. So I wonder why the school couldn't understand and be able to help him more. Is he the only one in his school with this same diagnosis? Doesn't make sense. I guess we'll see if high school is better prepared. At least he'll have gym daily, which is a great thing from my perspective. And I will advocate for him, and also be prepared to pull him out. I refuse to have him in a situation where he is being made to feel bad about himself any more. At least I should be able to continue working from home even after covid so I can be here and deal with things like school a little more easily. 

Medication and Supplements

 It's been over a week of the new medication, and the supplements. He doesn't like taking any of it and everyday is a struggle. He refuses the omega 3's and I can't really blame him, I mean it is flavoured fish oil. Yuck. We finally have the magnesium and theanine mixed in apple sauce as the best choice there. And the actual medication is small (and expensive). Even with my drug plan coverage it was almost $30. But I think it might be working? He has had a few blow ups but (knock wood) not as many as he was having. He has also been going to bed at 11 which is better than 1 (or later). That surprised me since the medication can cause sleep problems. I'm not sure how that will go if he was in school and had to be there early, he sleeps until 9 or 10 now, so he'd have to get up earlier for school. 

I did register him for high school, which is a pain now. I have to send in a bunch of documents they should already have since he was registered there previously... kind of irritating to be honest. I may push back on it, but I don't want to cause problems before he even starts. I'm not honestly sure how well it will go any way, he is very stubborn and I hope he is going to really try in the fall, it's a long time away and we still have the therapy part of this treatment plan to get to. 

Last week my cat, the oldest one, hurt his leg. Being an off pay week it was difficult to find time/money to take him to the vet so he was confined to the guest room for a few days, and over night (much to his annoyance). He is actually doing better now, still seems to limp a bit. I have an appointment for him Friday but am not sure I want to take him. It will stress him out a lot and at this point I don't think there is much they can do for him. I do think I need to start adding something to his food for old cats, green lipped mussel or glucosamine for joints would probably be a good idea. I'll see how he is doing tomorrow and decide then if I will keep the appointment or not. 

We have a few trips booked for the future, I'm not sure what will actually be able to happen. Vaccine rollout seems to be taking it's time here and who knows what will happen. I am not sure we'll be able to go this year which will be very sad. Next year is debatable as well. But maybe by summer/fall? And then what to do? Considering a Mediterranean cruise. Or Disney... because we like to do that. But the cruise is actually probably cheaper, even if it's 10 nights from Rome and we stay 3 or 4 days in Rome pre-cruise. Might be a nice change? We'll see.... April 2023 cruise will be happening... if we can't travel by then I will be crying about more than the loss of travel. 

I am hoping we'll be able to do something this summer, even if it's just going back to the Toronto Zoo for a day, or something along those lines. I'd consider renting a cottage of some sort, but not sure where to do that, or if it's something I'd really be able to relax with. I know he would love it but I'd still have to cook and clean. I'm wondering what will be able to open this summer, Calypso? That would be ideal. Even being able to swim in a fun way, not just laps, would be great. At least the beach we like will be open again, they were doing work on it last summer so we ended up across the river in Gatineau twice. I prefer to stay on this side though. Hopefully he'll be able to play with some friends too, and even just visit my parents. I only plan to take a week in June/July and two weeks in August though. I want to save my vacation for those trips we may not be able to do... but if we can't then when we can do them I'll have lots of vacation time saved up. 

The Pediatrician

 Yesterday we had our appointment with the pediatrician. He is a specialist in brain/mind things so very familiar with ADHD, anxiety, ODD, etc. The appointment was long, over an hour. And oh we have a lot to do now! I hope some part of it will be successful and there will be improvement in the reactions. He explained the "higher brain" and "lower brain" stuff, how Jackson is living in the reactive state and not allowing his higher brain to take over. And so that is what we need to work on. He gave recommendations for massage therapy, physiotherapy, a slew of supplements, 1 hours of activity a day, 10-15 minutes of meditation/yoga per day and only 2 hours of screen time (outside of educational and family time). As well, he gave us a prescription for medication, which I will get filled tomorrow with the hope we can start it on Sunday. And hope it works. Oh, bloodwork to get done as well, and recommendation to have Jackson's eye's checked. So. 

We have an eye appointment for Tuesday after work. We have an intake sessions with the physiotherapist for March. I spoke with a psychologist today and we will be setting up the intake appointment with me and then treatment plans for the future, hoping to start end of February or beginning of March. That's virtual. I will take him for the bloodwork next Friday since I have the day off, we can line up virtually I believe so hopefully that works well. I'm not sure. I believe I have to pay for one of the tests, hopefully it's covered by my work plan. Like all the other stuff... I still have to make an appointment for massage therapy as well, but it's all out of pocket and reimbursed stuff so I am waiting a bit since money is tight, again. 

Kiddo broke his phone last night so I had to get him a new one. I am honestly surprised it lasted as long as it did, but he really broke it, snapped the screen right off it. New one is not as big, or as powerful, but oh well! Hopefully it lasts a year. There are 10 months left before the old one is even paid off so we can't change plans, but I was able to put the sim card in the new one and it works fine. I will probably upgrade mine when we are able to and save my current one for him to use when his breaks, we'll see. I can then get some kind of pay as you go type plan, or bring your own device style. Cheaper I think. He likes to watch videos while he's going to bed. Which of course we need to work on. 

For the decreases in screen time we are starting with a baseline, how much time is he on it now. Then well set a plan to decrease it. I can't see him going "cold turkey". We have tried that before and oh it does not go well. The doctor talked about how the screens act on the same part of the brain that causes addiction, brains behave the same way with screens as they do with various drugs. Lovely. I think that will help with the outbursts as most of them are related to things that have happened in a game.

Some are due to the disconnect between what someone says or means and how Jackson's brain perceives it. He doesn't always think things through or understand that what he thinks as a first reaction isn't really what anyone has said. I hope the therapist will be able to help with that. And with increasing his mood, helping him see the good in things and the growth mindset that will benefit him later. 

Now we start to worry about what to do about school in the fall. When he is rested and in a good mood he is ok with a change. When he is tired or hungry he only says he wants to go where his friends do. Though I don't agree. I will hopefully be able to talk to him about this as we go through the various treatments and see improvement. While I think we will be staying here for another year, to save money, who knows and perhaps we will want to move. You never know what will happen.

Now if only this lockdown, pandemic, crappy stuck at home stuff would end. While I love working from home, and don't want to do much in winter any way, kiddo needs to be more active than we are. It would be nice to be able to do things. Hopefully lockdown is ending in another week or two, and by then it will be almost spring. It is even hard to walk the dog because sidewalks are so narrow, I don't want to pass that closely to others. 

My birthday is coming up on the weekend, 46. Yeah. I'm old! Well not really I guess but it feels like I am. Like I am done with so many things. I still have a few years to go before I can retire though. I do wish that was sooner. I am rethinking my wish to be a snowbird though. With this pandemic a lot of them have been stuck, either able to travel or not. So we'll see. In the meantime, we are probably getting a kitten in the next few months. Yeah. Don't need another cat of course, but we love them and I think our youngest one would like a playmate, she torments one of our other cats and I hope a kitten would help. We'll see. 

Winter Blah

 Winter has decided to really roll in, with some snow and temperature's dropping. Of course since Ontario is in lock down we are stuck at home and it is starting to show. Jackson hasn't been playing with his "friends" the past few days so has been a bit more bored than usual. He has made friends with a boy in Ireland who enjoys the same game he plays in Minecraft, so he plays with him in the afternoon but there is a time difference so not all day. 

He's once again interested in dinosaurs and we have watched the same few documentaries over and over again, the then reenacts them with his dino toys, but there are fewer than there once were. I got rid of tonnes of them over a year ago, and he hasn't wanted to play with them until now. Of course now he wants more of them so I ordered a few but we'll see if they are what he expects. I don't plan to replace any more. There is a lot I don't want to replace any more to be honest. 

We have also been playing dinosaur games outside, but today was too cold for me. I am sure we'll be back out there tomorrow, and probably need to shovel a bit as well. He loves it, I tolerate it, and sometimes we take the dog out too. He gets cold so it's a good excuse to head back in. I know when I was his age, or younger, I played outside on my own but apparently that isn't a thing with kids now. I think if this had all happened when I was his age, if we'd had the technology, I'd have been ok to play alone. And I think sometimes this is harder for me because I have his care and mental well being to worry about. 

Between winter and covid and work, I am having a hard time. I am struggling with this round of lock down. I think the fact vaccinations are so close, yet so far away, is not helping. I really look forward to life returning to some semblance of normal again. I hope that Jackson will go back to school eventually, I hope that we will be able to travel, visit my parents, see friends. Get out of the house and DO something. It's taking a toll on both of us, he is bored and cranky, though he's been sleeping better. I am irritated and on edge. This is a struggle, the worst it's been yet. I really hope this lock down stuff ends soon. We need to be able to get out. I want desperately to be able to travel. Since we started doing our trips this is the longest we have gone without anything, before this it was 16 months and then we knew we were going back. This time it's been 17 months already with no end in sight. Likely 28 months or more. It's a first world problem for sure, but it is impacting my mental health. 

We still have rodents in the garage, though I've set traps and poison and tried to get rid of them. It's frustrating and I'm not sure what else I can possibly do. The back deck is still falling apart, I will let the landlord know about that in spring once the snow melts again. Though I don't want to live through it's repair or deal with them coming to check it out before it can get fixed. These are the things that make me want to move. But moving is so much work... and today I am not sure I can do it. I haven't got the energy or motivation to do the work that needs to be done. There is a lot of work to do here before we can move. I have so much I want to do, but I also wonder if moving is the best idea. The places I found outside of town are out, kiddo threw a fit about leaving the school he thinks he wants to go to. Even though he hates school, and his "friends" aren't always nice to him. I am so hoping the pediatrician appointment is helpful. Something needs to change. 

Despair and Hope

 Jackson had an ok day yesterday. But then in the evening, I could hear him getting really worked up about the game he was playing. I went up to get ready for bed and he hit his monitor when I went in to get his bed sorted. It didn't break but I told him to take it easy and maybe take a break from the game to calm down. He didn't listen, and when I was getting ready for bed I heard it, the smack that cracked another monitor and then the string of self loathing and crying. So that's 3 in a month? Yeah. I don't know what he expects me to do about this. I can't keep replacing these expensive things, nor am I willing to shell out money for a fancy computer I doubt he'll take care of. It is frustrating. But services were closed over Christmas/New Years so no help to be had.

Today, things started back up. I was able to talk to his family doctor, who is referring him to a pediatrician to talk to about medications and help. He also gave a therapy prescription which I need to insurance. Now to find one taking new people, before summer... and of course they are all doing virtual only at the moment so it's really difficult to find one. I have emailed a few, hopefully I will hear back from someone sooner than later!

I also heard from a short term place, and they have someone for us to talk to (virtually) on Thursday, so that's a relief, at least it's something. Based on that conversation, we'll see what they can do to help, and how we can move forward. I need things to move as quickly as possible so he is willing to do this, and so stuff stops getting broken. I just can't afford to keep replacing things!

The sad thing for me is that all of this, and maybe I should have forced it sooner, has left me feeling like a failure as a mom and knowing I shouldn't have any more kids because it's too hard, too much. If I had done it sooner, perhaps things might have gone differently. I don't know. I still have hope, maybe we'll figure this out and it will all be ok. I worry so much for his future if we can't get him calmer and more in control of himself. Less destructive. I wish we hadn't needed daycare, or that school was a better situation for him. It is difficult. I moved to this house to get him closer to a better school and area, but it seems to have back fired. I don't know any more. I don't think it's best for us to remain here with the toxic friends he has, but will kids in other areas be any better? Perhaps if he has some tools to help, and some medication? I wouldn't put it all on the other kids, I know my kid has a mouth and anger that can spew forth. But he is sensitive, and what wouldn't impact another kid, hits him hard. 

It was back to work today, a long day with a lot of email to catch up on. It's going to be a long week I think. The time off was really nice. I enjoyed it a lot. I worry that kiddo's sleep was very bad the whole time, and that continues. Not enough sleep doesn't help any of the problems. I am having a hard time getting my own sleep back to normal this week, I was up late last night after the monitor happened. And slept through my alarm this morning. But being so close I was able to get to work easily :-) I kept keto and did my steps every hour. That part is easy, the 10 minutes is hard though! I'm not sure why to be honest. Oh well, I'll keep trying. 

Goodbye 2020

 New year's eve. It feels good that this year is ending. I wish it had gone better. This COVID, lockdown stuff has been difficult. But I am trying to see the good things in it. I have really enjoyed working from home. I will continue with that for as long as possible, if I never have to go back to an office I will be ok with that. Though I'd like to go get my stuff from my desk, I had a really nice pair of boots I left as well as some baby pictures of kiddo, some of his artwork and a fancy travel mug I used for coffee/tea while I was there. Not much else really but still, I'd like to get that stuff. Eventually. 

My goals for this year have been interesting to try and keep. Yelling less, I think I have? I have certainly learned to listen to him more and let him have a bit more freedom in his own schedule. We haven't had regular games nights or anything but we do spend some time together and he is finally putting himself to sleep, though having a hard time getting to bed at night. We will work on that in the new year.

Losing weight, I did lose some over the early summer, it was hard and took a lot of exercise. And when I gave up again it all came back. Of course. My goal for the new year will be to eat keto/low carb and get 2500 steps on the days I work, as well as 10 minutes or more of walking each day. The goal is not the weight loss but to feel better. For my stomach to not be so unhappy, to have more energy. Hopefully, weight loss will come but it isn't the goal. 

The decluttering I did last December has remained, things have moved a bit and the kitchen remains a sore spot, honestly the layout is not the best for us. But the rest of the space on the main floor is good. I haven't done nearly enough to the rest of the house, but I need to now if we will be moving. I do not want to move all this stuff if we don't need to! So stuff needs to go. Sadly donation is difficult with covid around, so I'll have to figure that out and perhaps in a month or two things can be picked up again? 

Certainly, a lot changed in 2020, but not as much as I expected I guess. Jackson isn't in daycare, or school for that matter. My new job did not turn out as well as I had hoped but it's a job and I will continue working to make it better for me. If it doesn't improve though, since I've been there almost a year, I will look for something else. We haven't moved, but I still hope to. By the time we move, I will decide where and to which place. I hope by March 30 to get my back pay so will have enough for first/last, moving expenses and new stuff for the new place. I plan a two month No Buy challenge again, this time we'll stick to it. Nothing other than groceries, pet food and gas for the car, which I don't need a lot of. Jackson will get his allowance but it is all he will have to spend. I hope this will help us save even more for moving, and get Jackson a gaming computer. Though to earn that he has to actually speak to the therapist and the possibility of medication is there as well. 

For 2021, besides my goals for eating and moving my body, and my home, I haven't got much else. I want to focus on my health and my home. Jackson has said he wants to try therapy and perhaps medication for his ADHD so he won't have anger issues. I have an appointment on the 4th to talk to his family doctor and hopefully therapy will follow soon after. I will also bring up medication and see what the doctor's thoughts are on that. For school, I will leave that up to kiddo, if he'd like to continue homeschooling I am ok with that, or if he wants to go to school I will be ok with that as well. We do have a trip planned for December 2021, hopefully we will be vaccinated by then, and I will be ok with him missing two weeks of school for it. If they aren't, well I'm not sure it matters to me. I am quite disillusioned with public school to be honest, I blame them for a lot of Jackson's problems. 

I still feel the two bedroom townhome is the best choice for us, but the three bedroom would be nice. It costs more and I would worry things could be hard financially. It all costs more than here of course, but I am anxious to move. A lot of the problems here I am sure the landlord would solve if I brought it up with him, and some he will have to fix for a new tenant any way (the back deck which is rotting for example). But the space is also not the best for us. The kitchen in particular is not the best for cooking, which is part of why I don't like to cook. It may be silly but I think if we had a nice kitchen with a big island I would be more inclined to actually cook. And cooking would be better for our health. We have been watching some TV together and keep seeing the commercials for meal delivery kits and he asks why we don't get them any more. The short answer is both they are expensive and he has never eaten the actual meals from them. I always have to cook the food differently for him than the recipe calls for. He said he would try meat with sauce on it next time. But I do think we'll wait until we move to try them again. So hopefully April or May. 

Now tonight, steak, broccoli and spaghetti for supper. And tomorrow I cut carbs, again, and stick with it this time. Tomorrow I start walking again, inside or out, 10 minutes a day to start. Tonight we will watch something on TV or a movie and eat chips and chocolate and candy. Tomorrow, I will start cleaning in the basement and the guest room. I have to take down the Christmas tree, but am reluctant to do so, it is so pretty and I don't want to put it away. I am so glad we got a new tree, it is smaller but fits nicely and looks so nice. It will be so empty without it, and all the other stuff. I guess it's like that every year. This year seems different though. We had no family get together, it's been a week since Christmas and it feels strange. Time is always a bit of a blur this time of year, and this year is worse than ever. The whole year has been a blur. Hopefully 2021 will be better. Sometime by April vaccinations should be available for us (or me at least I guess) and this coming summer we will hopefully be able to do more than last year, perhaps go back to the zoo, maybe get to go to Calypso again, and just be happy. 

Christmas Eve

 This year has been a bit much. Everything has just been a lot. I am trying to find some good moments in amongst all the stuff that's happened, and I admit there have been some good things. I love working from home, Jackson and I have gotten along better, the house is neat on the main level and Christmas promises to be lovely. We opened up Christmas PJ's to wear tomorrow while we open gifts, and hopefully they fit us :) The dog got a Christmas sweater, which he doesn't really like. Tomorrow, I hope the boy likes his presents. I'm not sure he will really love them all but I hope so! It will be quiet and just the two of us. We'll video chat my parents later to show off his gifts. 

Finn's Sweater

Yesterday we went to meet them half way, they had picked up some sausages and stuff for kiddo, including a new monitor to replace the one he broke. Hopefully this one will last. On the way there a light came on the dash of my car and it got stiff to turn. So that made for a great present. I got it towed to the dealership where they fixed it up. Mice/rats chewed a wire. Could have been worse, but still cost $500. I'm parked in the driveway until we kill all the mice/rats. Or move, whichever comes first. 

I still want to move. I want to go on cruises, go back to Disney. I want to have another child, or adopt, or something. All of those require money, which I have less of than I would like. And of course I am not getting any younger. And this entire year has been a right off... I wasted it and the time home. I could have done more, but I didn't. I have a few months to get ready, still in lock down. I will use it to my advantage.

I also need to contact our family doctor in the new year and get Jackson to talk to a therapist. He asked for medication, I'm not sure of that but I am at a point where perhaps it is necessary. I think I could also use a therapist so we'll see about that too. Different ones. 

Tomorrow is Christmas. I made Jackson promise not to get me up before 7 for presents. Today he got up at noon. He's been having trouble sleeping and tonight I am sure he'll get very little. He can have a nap after the gifts, unless he wants to play with them all or something. We will have sausages, hashbrowns, bacon and eggs for breakfast. Lots of coffee for me. And I got a porchetta for dinner, we'll have mashed potatoes with it, cauliflower and gravy of course. I'm not sure how to cook the roast but I'll figure it out tomorrow. There will be lots of candy and chocolate (for me) some hot chocolate and marshmallows. And lots of rain, so a green Christmas (no snow!).

Starting on the 26th I need to get in the basement and get cleaning! I may need some more bins, I have bought 6 but not sure it will be enough for the toys and stuff down there. I have 3 to 5 months before I hope to move so need to get things cleaned up and sorted down there asap. I guess since I'm parking in the driveway I can use the garage for some garbage storage. I don't want to move anything more than necessary. I'll take the tree down by the 31st probably. And hopefully it won't take too long to get the basement sorted out. 

It's a Christmas Lockdown

 Our premier announced that starting on Boxing Day we'll be back in lock down for 4 weeks. I do get it, and I have commented that I hope we follow Quebec because so many of them would just come here if we didn't. But oh, it's hard to go back! I mean it doesn't impact me too much I guess, but there will be limitations on some things, even going to the pet store to get the dog's food becomes more difficult. I plan to go to the grocery store tomorrow and get what I need for a few weeks, and we'll see from there. I mean grocery stores will still be open of course, but I'd prefer not to go and stand in line again, especially given it's winter now and cold! We were expecting to have a just us Christmas, which is perhaps why I am so keen to have another child. It feels lonely and like we need more. 

The doctor's office is closed for two weeks, I hope they will do online or telephone appointments when the two weeks are over, I need a new referral for Jackson to a psychologist. I am tired of broken things. He gets so angry and just breaks things, expensive things. He's now without a computer for at least a few weeks. He had broken the screen but got a monitor for his birthday and broke that. So yeah. It's super fun times here. At least Christmas is soon and hopefully some of his gifts will help to fill his time a bit. And this stuff is all why I wonder if having another child would be a something I can handle. He is sometimes more than I can manage. We are given what we can manage but it is hard to manage sometimes. Maybe I need to talk to the therapist too. 

Working on getting his sleep back to normal, he had one good day/night and then last night not so much. I think he was still upset about the broken monitor, but hopefully he will be able to get to sleep tonight eventually. I do hope he comes down to do more than watch youtube on his phone. We had one good day and an ok evening yesterday. After the broken monitor that is. I wonder if a few weeks of no games will make a difference. I doubt it. He still isn't learning how to deal with the anger. I tell him he can get mad but he can't break things or hurt people (including himself). We've tried a lot of things but nothing seems to stick, and he feels it's all "stupid". I don't even know if talking to someone else would even be helpful. If he will even talk to them. He asked the other day if he could just take medication, so we'll discuss that with the doctor as well. I don't know if it will help. Sometimes I wonder if anything will help. But I know he can't go on like this forever, he will have no friends, no one will want to be near him. So something needs to be done. 

November

 A new month. So far, we've had snow followed by a week of high teens (Celsius). Weather is messed up but I am glad the snow is gone. It did remind me I need to get boots for Jackson. Normally I'd remember because of school but with him not going, it hasn't been on my mind. I think he'll need new snow pants as well, because I bet he will want to do something outside this winter. I have already started Christmas shopping as well, and since I get paid this week I'll do a little more towards that. We got a new tree, bought on Halloween, and I want to pare down the ornaments so we only keep one bin of stuff. The more I can get rid of, the better! Perhaps I will move in spring, or maybe not, who knows. 

Of course, as with the rest of the world, we watched the election results from the states. It was fascinating to watch, and lead to many interesting conversations. Comparing the way an election happens in the US to Canada. I'd call that a really good social studies lesson. With the results, I do feel a bit more hopeful we will be able to travel to Disney again someday. Not sure when, still have to watch covid cases come down, and the border to open, but someday. 

Unschool has been going ok. He is learning, which is always good to see. I wish it was more of what I think is important but that isn't really the point of this so we will keep going. Not sure what will happen next year, I don't think he'll want to go. And I am also not sure where we will be living. 

I have choices to make, so many things I want and wish for, not enough time and money for all of them. I seem to be terrible at making a choice and sticking to it! Follow through. Perhaps I have a bit of ADHD myself... I am trying to focus on the things that don't require a choice, that could lead in any of a number of directions. So, declutter more, get rid of some more stuff. Including the basement. I also need to get back on track with eating healthier and moving more. I have been very lazy lately. I did walk the dog a bit this weekend with the nice weather, but I fell off the exercise wagon hard. I need to start back on my walking, even 20 minutes a day would be good. I know I can do it. 

Cleaning up, getting rid of things, can be helpful if we decide to move, or stay, or add to the family. That's why it's important to me right now. I have maintained about 90% of what I did last year with the declutter lady. Some things are messy again, but it would be easy to tidy up if people were coming over. However I have not made any further progress really. Though I did do a bit of work upstairs in the guest room, mostly because kiddo wanted to put his computer in there. Which lasted about a month. 

My own health, well that is important regardless of what I want to do in the future, if we want to travel I will be fit and better able to do more. If we want to add to the family, I'll be in better shape to do that. If we just want to be more active, I'll be able to do that. Though I still don't like sports. I'll be buying more groceries this week, healthy things that will hopefully lead to healthy meals and not ordering in. I still don't like cooking. 

Less than two months to the end of this weird year. I wonder what 2021 will hold? hopefully calm and health. 

Back to... not school

 Well, we are not off to a great start. So far Jackson has gone to 3 days of classes. Then he got a "headache". Which is code for "anxiety over going to school". So he's been home, I spoke with the principal and she has put him on the wait list for online school. His homeroom teacher has been amazing and is sending me daily emails with what they covered and where to find it in the online portal for the kids. So then we sit and try to do it. Not really well. I am just at my wit's end and want to just say screw it, who needs school! Well we do I guess, need to learn stuff. But there has to be a better way than this. It's been a struggle, most notably since grade 4. The last options we have are to switch from immersion (question is with the principal but I am doubtful as I think the classes are pretty full), try the online (if we get in at the end of the month, make do with what the teacher is sending for now. 

After all of this, we will probably be doing straight up home schooling. I have been looking at curriculum's and various ways to do it. I think we can do a hybrid of various types of learning. My focus is on math at the moment, he has fallen very far behind when he used to be way ahead. It frustrates me, the school itself does. The principal from last few years was not the best fit as far as I am concerned. The new one so far seems really good. It is irritating that things like this just get overlooked or he's made to feel like he is bad for things that he can't control or that they don't understand or listen to the story of. Other than math I think the rest we can do through various methods, trying to get him to read on his own (for fun) and learn while he's at it. There will have to be some limits, but I am happy to follow his lead in what he wants to learn. 

Now we wait and see, does he get into the other class or does he get into the online school? Or do we just pull him completely from the school for a year, or 3. Today he did a bit of the work that was required, I've made space at my work desk so that he can work right beside me while I am working, I think it will let us work together and he'll know I am right there to help. Hopefully that will be a good thing. He even helped me clean up the folding chair from the basement to use for now. 

Now I'm off to keep researching curriculum options and figure out the best way to move forward. A few books, a few ideas, and some websites to try. There is a monthly subscription for Canadian Geography and History, it sounds really cool and I want to try it out. I am not sure if it is for much younger kids, but either way, I think it's a good start! With the math I already have and hopefully an online version that looks cool. Add in some books he'll maybe try to read. Voila, we're good for now! 

School Begins - Grade 6

 Well. That was a day. School is finally started back up, it's been about 6 months since he was last in school, and he certainly didn't do any work while he was off. He is in immersion, and now hates French. That is partly because none of the friends he plays with are in his class. He does like the teachers he has, and I think he will enjoy the 3 days of gym, mostly outside. He does actually have a few friends in his class, just not the ones he kept in touch with over the summer. He says he had sort of fun. He wants to switch to non-immersion, which I don't think is an option. And says he wishes he had chosen to do the at home online school. That we can't change to until 2 months in I believe. 

Then there is my worry. I believe that in the next week or two we will run into trouble, something will happen, he will get in trouble or a fight or whatever and I will say screw it and pull him out to homeschool. If I am honest, I want to do it now any way. If I follow my intuition, he would not be going to school right now. It is an adjustment though, either way. I have been burying my intuition for years, struggling to do what we are supposed to do instead of what I feel is right. At some point, I need to get back to what I believe. I do have some worries, what if he decides he wants to go back to school? Will it be a problem to put him back in if we have followed a more unschooling rhythm and not done a curriculum. 

I think we need to focus more on his emotional intelligence than anything else. He needs to learn a growth mindset, to see the positive in things and to know that he has to sometimes work for things. I want him to be able to play, have fun, be outside, and enjoy being a kid. There are so many positives to pulling him out and doing things at home. The only negatives are him being able to play with friends, and I think he will be able to do that after school or with a few select friends who are homeschooling as well. Perhaps we can meet a new group of kids. He gets shy but he also needs more confidence and that is something we'll be working on. If this was a normal year, I would look at putting him into some kind of day time lessons, swimming, martial arts, whatever. If he was willing to do something online there are a few classes he might like, even just hour long webinars. We'll get there though. 

I am back at work tomorrow, and not really looking forward to it. I need to work on finding a new job for myself as well, something I don't dread. There are options, they are just harder to find right now. But still possible. I will do this, and he will learn what he needs to learn, and we will move forward. 

Last Week of Summer

 Jackson is back to school next week on Wednesday. We have finally gotten more details, I know who his teachers are at least. I am not sure how many kids will be in his class, I am hoping it's not too many but based on the picture I saw of his classroom set up I am a bit worried. We will see. I am going to try and give it two full weeks before we change anything up. Hopefully it all goes well and he does great. His teacher is new to the school which is hopeful. She won't know him from the past so he should have a clean slate. 

We spent the past week very busy. Sunday he went fishing with a friend, he didn't catch anything, threw a couple fits, swears he will never fish again, and that was it. Monday we went over to Gatineau to swim since the beaches on the Ontario side are closed. It was cold but fun, we played with a ball in the water, he swam, it was fine. Tuesday we went on a boat tour of the Thousand Islands, he really enjoyed that, even though we didn't get to sit up on the top deck and had to wear masks the whole time. It was great weather. We went to dinner with a friend from work I haven't seen since March, it was nice, though got a bit chilly. The food wasn't great, but it was still nice. 

Wednesday we went to my parents and dropped the dog off for them to watch. I think they enjoyed having him as they are dog people and haven't had one for awhile. We stayed for dinner and it was a nice little break. Then the big day came. Thursday. We drove to Toronto to the zoo. Wow, I do not like driving on big roads like that! It was a bit stressful, but we made it and had a great time at the zoo. It was a lot of walking, so many hills! Jackson really enjoyed it and thanked me many times for taking him there. 

Jackson took a lot of photos, he did a really good job at them. We ate lunch before we arrived since we had a 12:45 time to check in. It was busier than I would have liked and many people did not seem to know how to follow the arrows or stay 6 feet apart, we wore masks for certain parts. But it was a lot of fun. We stayed at a hotel that night, mostly because it was a 4 hour drive and I didn't want to drive in the dark. That's why the dog stayed with my parents. We had a rough sleep at the hotel. Apparently I was snoring and woke him up, he couldn't get back to sleep and watched his phone for a few hours before finally turning it off to try and sleep more. At one point he cried because he missed the cat so much. I wasn't very helpful I'm afraid, I was worried because I knew if I didn't at least get a decent rest I would be terrible on the road and didn't want to get into an accident. He did finally listen and just lay down and try to sleep. Funny thing was I had a hard time falling asleep because he was snoring. I think it's allergy season.

Friday we drove back to my parents to get the dog. We stopped at the big apple on the 401 and then a bit later for lunch and to put gas in the car. All in all, it was a lot of driving over the week, I don't want to go anywhere for awhile and I much prefer the vacations we take where I don't have to dive at all! But my car is lovely and at least it was easy to drive. 

Now we have a few days to fill, today being a quiet one though he is in a mood again. Apparently the cat scratched him this morning and he's been holding a grudge all day long. I don't know how to help him deal with things like this, he just holds onto hurt feelings and anger until it bursts from him and gets directed at everyone and everything around him. It's the one thing I wish I could help him with. His self confidence and self esteem have been rough since grade 2 as well, so these are the things I want to help him with. I am just not sure how to do more than I am when he refuses to participate. I am really trying to notice every time he does anything "good" and praise him for it. I try and talk to him about being thankful for what we have and how I want to share experiences and travel with him more than things. Sometimes he gets it, and other times he just explodes. It has been better the past few weeks, his explosions are fewer, maybe one a day instead of multiple times, and I hope school doesn't derail those efforts. I wish we could find a better group of friends, kids who like the same things as him, shared interests. He sometimes takes up the interests of others because they go on about it. Then he regrets it. Another thing we are working on. 

Summer is pretty much over, school starts soon. I wonder what the fall and winter will hold. Will we be able to travel. Will we be able to move. Will we be healthy. 

August 2020

It's August. Normally around now I'd be celebrating the start of my holidays, looking forward to 5 weeks of time off. This year is different, no vacation plans this summer, we're home any way so no day camps. No swimming lessons, nothing really planned. I am off this weekend, extra long with a couple extra days off. I'll have a few days off the week before school starts, I may move them depending on the actual start date. Facebook keeps reminding me that I'm normally enjoying time off, but I am holding strong and waiting to use the vacation days either when we move or in the winter, should travel again be an option. Unlikely but I'm always hoping! 

An interesting development the past few days. Kiddo has not been playing any video games. On computer or xbox. His choice. He says his laptop is not broken but I haven't checked. He is still watching videos, and hanging out in the tent we got him a few years ago from Ikea. As a result, it's like he has matured over night. He is helpful, we have good conversations, he is learning some cooking skills. And while he's had one or two mild blow ups, it is nothing like what it normally is. I have proof that those darn games are horrible on his brain. Imagine if he gave up the youtube! 

While school is due to start in early September, either the 3rd or 8th depending on what they tell us, we are starting to plan for it. We will go get him new runners a week or so before, my parents offered to pay for them. We will also need some more pants for him, he's growing taller and taller. I am not sure how much longer he'll be in kid clothes to be honest. He is catching up to me in height! We have a dozen or so masks for him to use in school, and I will make sure he has hand sanitizer to take even though they will have a sink in the class room. I think he'll need some new pens and such as well, though it appears almost everything will be done on chromebooks. He has his own, thank goodness, so he'll be able to take that daily and use it. He wants a mouse with it as well, which shouldn't be a problem. We have a corded one he can take but I may get him a cordless one to use. 

Still trying to get my steps in every day, keep up the exercise, but it's gotten hard with some heat waves we've been having. Today I did walk the dog and kiddo came with us! Which was super great and I was really happy he came with us. He rode his bike, walked it at a few points. I think the exercise was good for all of us. 

A month until schools restart, what a strange year this has been. 

Happy Belated Canada Day

I have realized, after having 5 days off in a row, that perhaps I should have booked some summer vacation. It was nice, to sleep in, to watch a lot of TV and such. It was nice to not get up early and do as I wanted through the day. I don't tend to workout as much though. I find the days I work, I am reminded to get up and move more so I get more steps in, and often need to step away from the work to do a short workout. I love the being able to sleep in, but I am mostly glad I am saving my vacation days for when life returns to "normal" and we are able to travel again. One other thing, I have saved so much sick leave. Normally I use it up almost as fast as I accrue it. I get migraines and have only had a couple since lock down began, I wonder how much of a part the lighting at work plays. Possibly hormones as well, since I also have still not had a period since Disney last August (which has been awesome, though sad at the same time). 

For Canada Day, we didn't even leave the house. Well, I did go get us cold drinks, an iced coffee for me and a slushy drink for him. There were no fireworks, no big celebration. I guess it's good it wasn't the 150 or something? To be honest, we don't really have a lot of plans for the whole of summer. I am bribing him to do some work during the week, which so far has not worked very well. It's pretty easy stuff, I would like to know he is up to speed when school restarts, depending on what that even looks like.

I am very glad that the main floor got decluttered in December, it has made a big difference in being able to enjoy the space a bit. I want to do more work upstairs but keep procrastinating, getting started is the hard part. It needs to be done though. The basement as well but we don't use that as much. It would be nice to get it done so we can move if we choose to, though the places I was looking at moving to are going to probably be out of my budget. And I may miss the backyard? Well the dog will miss the backyard, he loves chasing the bunnies out there. The places aren't quite as close to the walking trail, but not too far. And the park is right there. Hopefully that will open up soon, actually living right there beside it would be hard to resist. 

I have been walking, and working out. And my knees are feeling it. I guess I should have worked to lose more weight before trying any jogging. But the jogging does really feel good in the moment. It makes me feel strong and like I can do anything. The workouts I have been doing also make me feel strong. Though the first few days I also felt sore! It was kind of nice to feel like I had done something. And it improved, I got better at it. In only a few days. 

The province is still slowly moving forward, things have been reopening. I can walk into McDonalds now to order take out, which is nice for us. It's closer to walk than drive. I wear a mask, it makes it easier! Though of course that could kick me in the butt if I don't stick to the points. I hope the city pools open sooner than later, we love to go swimming and it would be nice when the weather is so hot. If the water park doesn't open I will look at going to the one in Quebec, though it's not as nice. We do need some things to do, to get him off the computer and moving would be nice. He has been playing with a friend, but not everyday. That's ok, somedays are better than others.

I have no idea what fall will bring, school's should open to some extent, and if not, well, it will be really hard to get him to do anything. I think if that happens I will have to really step up the bribes, or something. Some fights have not been worth it. My goals are to help him stop breaking things, and learn some emotional control over his anger. I have no idea if we will accomplish that over the summer or not! It would also be really nice if he could fall asleep on his own without me sitting there. Those are my goals for him. My goals for me are all about my health, losing weight, eating better, moving more. And controlling my own temper as well. He does know how to push my buttons. I know that to manage better, I need to take care of myself better. So the walking and exercise are key there. It has been really hot, so the walking has to happen early or very late. Somedays, it's too hot for the dog even early. I do go out myself those days. The dog gets to play fetch in the house and run around inside, thankfully he is small enough that is seems to be just enough. 

I am also working on myself and letting go of what I can't have. I have to let go of my big family dreams. I know it's not practical, I know it doesn't make financial sense. I know my body is done so the choices would be expensive. In my head, I know. In my heart? Oh I wish I could have two more kids, I wish we could be a big family. I have buried my dream in trips instead, and now that trips are off the table for awhile, it brings the family dream back around to my heart. Could I adopt? I don't know. I don't even know that I would really want to be pregnant again, it was not a good experience the first time. So my head should win this battle and perhaps convince my heart what to do, or I guess not do in this case? 

As for the trips, we have two cruises booked in December, but given the mess that the US is at the moment, in particular Florida, I have no idea if we would even be able to travel there. I'm not sure I want to! There is also the November election, what impact that could have. So perhaps we will try an all inclusive this year instead. Or spend another winter in the cold. Hey, if I don't have to drive to work maybe it wouldn't be so bad? And hopefully this work from home thing will be the way going forward, at least most of the time, with perhaps going in to the office on occasion? Honestly? I'd be totally ok with that. And given it looks like kids will only be in classes maybe two days a week, if that, it is probably going to be the way for at least the next school year. 

Last Day of Grade 5

Technically, school ends today. Though I think he's supposed to do work tomorrow. Considering he hasn't done anything since March, I don't think that matters. I am glad it's over though, I let it go but at least now I can officially say it's done. What the fall will bring, remains to be seen. The province has set out guidelines and we should find out in August what option our school board will choose. They are also (finally) updating the math curriculum and bringing it back to basics, this makes me so happy. I am hoping to get him to do something over the summer, but he is not me, and it isn't really likely to happen. I will keep trying though. Perhaps I can figure out the right bribe. 

But this also does mean that perhaps more friends will be available to play. He has one friend who is allowed to play, I hope they can spend more time together over the summer as well. I only have a few days off each month, I am choosing to save my vacation days for when this is all over and I can go away somewhere. Plus there really isn't a lot to do this summer, so much is not open or with a lot of restrictions. It's possible Jackson will spend a few days at my parent's at some point. 

I've been doing a lot of workouts, a lot. Walking, low impact workouts, and some new stuff. Also trying to eat healthy. It's really hard because I don't see a lot of results. I know, I am older, and my thyroid is a bit low. It's just a lot of work for little reward. I joined a group of ladies and we do a week day competition to get the most steps. Apparently I am competitive, last week I won through a lot of effort. This week is going better, so far. Next week will be hard because I have three days off, and I workout more when I work during the day. It will be hard but I will try. 

Puppy finally got his haircut, he was getting pretty hot with the heat wave we had, of course as soon as he's clipped, the temperature drops. Though that does mean both kiddo and I can go out a bit more. He doesn't overheat, and I am able to get a lot of walking in. I do hope it gets warm again, but perhaps not quite as hot as it was. At least not until the pools open again! 

Somedays I am thankful it's just the two of us, during this covid crap, it's probably easier to not have a very small kid. I will say, if I had it to do over, I would have gone for it. I wish I had. It is too late, I am 45, he's 10, and I don't have the money to do anything with donor eggs that would be needed. Plus all the travel restrictions, and I just have to give up. I don't think I have the energy or the patience. He is a lot. So much. I keep hoping things will improve, and yet they don't. It's hard, I can't understand it and I am not sure how to even handle him. I love him, he has so much potential, I do feel I made mistakes, and am not sure how to fix any of them. I wish we had a better relationship, and I really do blame the electronics so much. They damage people, and he's been on them for too much. I hope we get through this and come out with a better future. I would say though, don't wait. If you want kids, don't wait. Don't wait for it to be good timing or the perfect time or whatever. Find a way. 

Epic Homeschooling?

Well things ramped up pretty quick, and it is an interesting time to be living. Schools are closed for March break and then two weeks, but at least two provinces have closed them "indefinitely" so I'm sure ours are to follow. I am lucky that I can work from home, not lucky that I am considered essentially and actually have to. Hopefully they will be accommodating, I do not have a lot of options for childcare! Thought my parents and sister's family have offered to help. At least this week I am on vacation, which so far involves walking the dog, listening to the boy complain about his video games, and trying to avoid the stores. So far, not going that great but not terrible.

Last night I was talking to him about how starting next week we would need to do some school type work, and showed him a schedule I had done up. He asked to move a few of the blocks around and was excited to get started. So this morning, at 9 AM he said "time for the epic homeschooling!" and off we go. It isn't so bad, so far. But he is a handful and even the two hour activity breaks do not seem to be enough for his mental health. He needs to be active. I did order a small indoor trampoline for us and hopefully it comes Monday! Also some books to learn cursive and work on multiplication tables. I also get him to do 10 minutes of reading (his reading level is really high so I'm not worried about that) and this morning he did a slide show to present me with information on covid 19. I am hoping to get him to do a few online programs as well, we'll see. There are a lot of resources being made available for parents and children since we are not supposed to be interacting with anyone.

We did go visit my parents yesterday, I'm not sure we'll be able to do that again any time soon, but it was nice as it was. I've stocked up on pet food, we have enough for the 3 weeks, and we'll go from there. For us, I will probably need to get some things this week but it will be later and not a lot. I am sad I didn't get my hair cut last week, since now who knows when I will be able to do so. It is bugging me but I will survive, it's just hair after all!

So now here we are, homeschooling... trying to keep him active and yet calm, he has always been one to get worked up about stuff, and this is the same. I hope we can manage to get through this without any blow out fights. I am glad we had already cancelled the cruise we should be on right now, that would have been difficult to sort out with refunds and stuff. At least this way, we have the one in December to look forward to and hopefully enough time before then to settle things down. If the dollar keeps dropping though it could be a very expensive trip! But one I think we will really look forward to going on.

Life goes on. I am not worried about catching this thing ourselves, slightly concerned for my parents because they are older and have had health problems, including my mom's diabetes. We will survive this, things will probably change significantly, and in the end, we will be stronger for it.

Getting Older

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 45. I don't feel old or anything, but I do feel unprepared. I have some regrets, some worries for the future, and a host of other feelings. Worry being near the top. We intend to go for dinner tomorrow night, so I don't have to cook, and so we actually go out, but that will be weather permitting I think. We are in the midst of a large amount of snow fall and the temperature has dropped again. It is supposed to warm up a bit again over the weekend. Not many plans for the weekend, I don't tend to do much in winter though I think that may be worse for Jackson. I wish we were going on a trip this year but it's not in the cards. Not until December any way.

Based on where I work, I could retire at 55, just 10 years away. But I think I will have to work until 59. There is a course I can take on retirement at work that I guess I should take now. I am banking on the pension plan, so I will need to make sure my best years are high enough to be able to manage after I retire. Of course I will want to travel, spend winter some place warmer. Not sure I will be able to do any of that, but I will hope (and plan at some point). I am not prepared to be a decade away from retirement, though I look forward to not having to work. I worry that I won't be able to do it, that I will have to work much longer, and not be able to retire ever.

I have regrets, as Jackson has gotten older I find I deeply regret not giving him a sibling when he was 2 or 3, I wonder if it might have made our problems easier, perhaps if he had a built in friend to play with things might have been easier especially in terms of getting the screens out of our lives. I feel like I would love to be able to provide that sibling even now, but 10 years to retirement? I wouldn't be able to do that with a new baby, and adoption is too difficult right now. The logistics of it, and with the problems we are having, it seems like it would be too difficult to manage. He has been having more trouble in school, I am hoping that we have a handle on it but you never know. He has been somewhat ostracized by his friends, not getting invited to birthday parties, none of them wanting to come play. It worries me too.

Still looking at moving, not sure when or where now though. With all the issues at school I wonder if it would be a good break to change schools. Clean break and all that. It would be nice for him to have more choices of friends, perhaps a bigger school. I debate just switching him to the public school board. And so I consider where to move to. Or whether to move at all. This house is bigger than we really need, but it's also comfortable and a good location. Moving is expensive and a lot of work. We could move into something smaller, but I don't think it would save money. And I'd probably have to park outside, in winter, which sucks. So I'm not sure what to do really. A lot to consider, and I've been making lists of course, and trying to think it all through. I don't want to make a decision too hastily, because I worry about the future and make decisions too quickly.

Here I am, turning 45. My life is not what I expected it would be but I keep going, keep making choices and trying to make it something good. I have a good job, that pays well and I'm good at. But that really bores me and is not inspiring. I can't imagine a better one though, I don't have a job in mind that would be amazing. I'll continue it, because it has a pension plan, benefits, and I am good at it. I hope that will be enough.

I have one child, I always imagined having 3, but sometimes one feels like more than enough. And yet it also feels like not at all enough. I long for a bigger family, more love. But it's also hard, my one kid is a bit hard to manage, and I miss so much the little kid he was, the adoring child who just wanted to be with me all the time. He still needs me every bedtime, but not for cuddles. I miss it so much, people are right, it does go by so fast.

I wanted to travel to some places, and while we have gone on a few trips, and I love our cruises and Disney vacations, there are other places I want to see that I'm not sure I'll be able to now. Or maybe I will after I retire. I also didn't really want to live here forever, but given my job it is now the only option. Again, until I retire. I guess I need to hope I will be able to retire.

January

This new year has been flying by in some ways, and crawling in others. I start a new position at work on Monday, meaning I have to go back to my old building, and find parking. I posted about it on facebook and got so many messages from work people who are happy to see me back, a lot of we can go for coffee or come see me messages. It is nice to feel liked. I am happy to be seeing them all again, and the past two years have been good for me I think. The manager may have been nuts but she did help me feel like I am a strong employee with a lot to offer. I have 15 years experience, ranging across the spectrum of jobs, from working with customers to headquarters supporting field workers and projects as well. I know stuff. I remember stuff. One of the guys says I have the memory of an elephant. I guess I do. The commute to the new job will suck, one of the bridges to get there is closed so it pushes traffic onto fewer roads. And I still haven't sorted out parking, which really sucks. And is going to cost more than I can afford right now.

Money, budgets, wow do I suck at this stuff! I am still paying for going to Disney and totally over spending. I really need to get it together or we not only won't be moving but we won't be able to go away in December. Focus on the budget and sticking to it. It is a big harder since I've been eating keto. I haven't actually lost any weight doing it but I feel better (except that I have been waking up with headaches a lot). My stomach has been running well, no tummy troubles, and I am starting to feel the energy benefits. I know it will take a bit longer to really get those (it's only been 2 weeks). I just can only hope I can afford to keep doing this, and to get the cats back on canned food. I had to give in and buy them dry food for the next two weeks, this job change is costing more because of the parking uncertainty.

Weather has been interesting, we seem to get storms on the weekend, Saturday into Sunday morning, spend Sunday shoveling and then the week is usually ok for the most part. I guess it is good since it means I have all day Sunday to shovel. I didn't hire anyone this year, hoping to use a one time service when needed but so far I haven't needed to. I do hope we can move before next winter, and we'll have a smaller driveway. the current one is two car lengths long, one wide, but we're on a corner which means we get the big dump of snow from the plow when it goes around. Go even 2 or 3 cars down and they get less than half what we do.

Jackson and I have been struggling, we have had a few blow outs about his lack of respect, he takes out his anger over things on me. I can only handle being called very mean things for so long before I get mad and say things I regret. I get that he feels "safe" with me to call me these things and he doesn't know how else to deal with what he is feeling. In my head I understand it, but dealing with it is very hard. I have so many other things I'm trying to deal with and of course he hits on all my insecurities, making me feel even worse. We're working on it but it is a trial. I am hoping next week goes ok in the morning so I am not late for work! And hopefully in 6 weeks we'll be able to have him out of daycare, getting to school on his own and home again after, so I can shift my hours to an earlier start. Possibly able to work an extra 30 minutes each day and have a day off every 3 weeks. We'll see!

As for moving, I waiver. My landlord has raised my rent for the first time since I moved in here, it is still less than I'll end up paying at the new places, and the house itself feels so much better after the decluttering was done. But there are still things I'd like to change, and have updated, and I do not look forward to dealing with the rotten deck, and grass cutting, in the summer. Even though I will have to this year any way since I won't be able to save enough until fall for a move. I do plan to slowly replace a few things before we move any way, like my headboard and the garbage can in the kitchen, maybe the TV & stand. I may get a new microwave as well, the one here came with the place and still works but there is this retro red one that looks so cute and goes with the new coffee maker I have. So I'd like to update a few things like that.

Of course I still need to declutter the guest room, the basement, and my own room and kiddos room. Our rooms are a bit less important, they have clothes in them, and probably some garbage, to be collected, but a lot of old clothes are in bags in the guest room (along with a bunch of other stuff that needs to go). I need to arrange for a donation pick up, or to drop stuff off somewhere, the pick up being easiest in terms of just putting a label on the bags/boxes and putting them outside. I had planned to do that for Feb 3 but perhaps I will wait a bit longer. I have not done anything about any of it, to be honest. I haven't even printed off the labels. The stuff upstairs should be pretty easy, label the bag and it can go out. Some stuff still needs to be in a bag, but that's easy. The stuff in the basement is harder since I don't have boxes of the right size so not sure what to do about it, I could put stuff in bags instead of boxes, but I will need more bags for that. And there is the storage room which has a lot of stuff in it, in boxes from when we moved. Some of it things like a quilt I started before kiddo was born, or the stuff from when I had a little side business making lotions. Things that I would someday like to get back to.

A lot of what remains will depend on which place I decide to move to. I think we really only need two bedrooms. The third would be nice as a place for his xbox and such but we don't need it. We won't have a lot of storage unless we move to the town home, rather than a two level flat. I want a town home since it will have a garage, for the car and his bike. But the other places will likely cost a lot less, so how much do I want to spend every month? I should save something on the utilities, I hope. But of course there will be set up fees for all the services. There will also be other things to get like new curtains, and breakfast bar stools. I will not have a kitchen/dining room table, we don't really need it if there is a breakfast bar to sit at for me to eat at. He eats in front of the TV any way, and I am tired of that fight.

January has been slow and long at the same time. Work was frustrating, trying to finish things, keep motivated to keep working, when I should have been let go to the new job well before I was. Now I'll play catch up on the new position and hopefully it will go well. Money has sucked, as always, and I need to pay better attention to it. At least I am eating pretty well, and Jackson is still eating a lot. He went skiing for the first time and had a lot of fun. Hopefully we get through the next few weeks well and can make it to spring without any problems. And he'll be ready to get to school on his own. Fingers crossed.

That time of year

Looking back over the past few years, it seems this is the time of year when I write about how much I wish I'd had another baby. And once again I am feeling it. Why didn't I do this when Jackson was two or three? Why didn't I do it at 41 when I started the process? Fear? Probably. Every step I run into fear. I get scared of the unknown, of how much work it would be, how much money it would cost. I feel like I sabotage any chance of moving forward. I choose vacations and travel over trying. Trips are easy to plan, trying for a baby is hard and full of unknowns. Full of possible disappointment. With Jackson it was easy, it was a decision but not, if it happened great but if not, it was ok.

And now I am 44. And Jackson is almost 10. We were talking about how things would be if he had a baby brother. He said he really wanted to have one. But he wants me to have a baby in December like his birthday, and NOW. And then he got upset he didn't already have a baby brother, not a baby sister. The past couple years have been difficult as we have been working through everything at school. The problems he has had, some other stuff too. The fact I still have to sit with him every night until he falls asleep. How would I manage that with a baby? I am just getting to a point where I stay up past 10, it leaves me exhausted a lot of the time, but I hate having to go to bed at the same time as him or shortly after, leaves me no time to myself. Which I do like. And a baby would impact that as well. It makes sense for us to stay as a family of two. But my heart aches. I have regrets. I feel I have made the wrong choices. Even though every trip has been amazing and fun and so worth it in the moment. The memories, some of the moments on the trips, those have been amazing.

I do feel I've made some poor choices along the way. Even now, I want to move to a newer place, still rent, but it'll cost me so much more, and the place is smaller, with no back yard, though I am terrible at yard work any way. Financially, should I? Probably not. But purchasing a home has gone way up and is out of reach. Homes have increased by $100K over the past few years. It is crazy, my salary hasn't gone up that much! And, as happens when I run into baby fever, I then put all that longing into getting a new pet, so when we move, I want to get another cat. Because 3 cats and a dog just isn't enough! Right? Ha!

The problem with having a baby is it's donor eggs and sperm, and the cost. Over $20K for one lot of eggs/sperm with one FET. Less than I've spent on all our trips combined, but way more than I have access to right now. And getting it? Will take at least a year, which puts me at 45 and makes it harder to do everything. So what do I do? Stick with letting it go, even though I can't (and should talk to someone I guess) or try, and work on my weight, keto diet?, and saving. Which means no trips. But I really want a trip. So am I deflecting my desires? Trying to push the regret away by focusing on a trip, moving, a kitten? And of course also trying to focus on connecting with Jackson, maintaining that and trying to work on it more.

I finally managed to get him a prescription for therapy, but can't convince him to go. I guess I need to get one for myself as well and actually follow through for myself.

As much as I wanted to attempt to adopt, the more I look into it, the more concerned I become. I have my hands full with Jackson's problems, it tries me as a parent. I am not sure I can handle another kid with issues like his, or worse, and that is a concern with adoption.

So here we are, the night before Halloween, and it's supposed to be a rainy one. October almost over, 2019 almost over. And I wish I had a bigger family, and regret my lost chances and the choices I have made. They were my choices, and I live with them.