This time of isolation and social distancing is starting to cause my anxiety to soar, and my stress levels to go rather high. I admit I may have taken some of it out on the boy. I yelled at him at lunch time when he didn't want what I offered. Mind you, he is incredibly picky and with shopping being difficult he can't keep it up. I got fed up, I made two lists. The first is all the lunches we have available for the next week, he can tell me what he wants instead of saying "what do we have?" and then refusing what I tell him we have. I also told him to put things on the list of what he wants for lunches, so when I go to the store I can hopefully get what he wants and will eat. I also made a list for dinners, with the caveat he has to tell me the day before because some of it has to be thawed to be cooked. So tomorrow we are having pork chops and rice.
Easter is coming, it is a little bit sad. I am used to being with family, sometimes we have a meal with my parents and one with my sister. This year we can't do either one. So I suggested we have a group facetime chat. Hopefully it goes well! It will be nice to at least "see" everyone. We are having ribs for dinner, Jackson's choice. Not sure I will have them or not, but we'll see.
I am lucky I was able to get the ribs at the store Thursday. There was a lengthy line up to get into the store, an explanation by a worker before we went in, and of course social distancing. I had planned on two stores due to the various sales, groceries have been a little expensive and I was trying to save money. Sadly I didn't do as planned, and ended up spending more than I should have. That seems to be par for the course lately. I shouldn't need to go back for a week though. I didn't get eggs, but hopefully we will manage without them! Otherwise I will have to go somewhere and get eggs and maybe a loaf of bread.
Work has been very busy, and very irritating. I am having a hard time balancing making sure Jackson does what he should, getting my own work done, and learning the job at the same time. It's new and I am not good at it. I believe I have the option to stop working from home because I have kiddo to look after, the problem is I don't want to cause problems for the rest of the team, and I don't want to be overly bored. Nor do I want this held against me if I want to work from home on PD days or snow days at some point in the future. It is very different though, one day a month versus months on end. And I do think this will be months on end. I am fairly certain this will go on longer than May.
School at home has been a disaster, he refuses to do it, tells me I don't respect what he wants to do... I don't even know how to manage this right now, I am just so frustrated and tired. I wish I could have the time to focus on helping him but the work is so busy. I need to be able to spend an hour a day at least with him. I don't really care if we are learning what his teachers have for him to learn, as long as he is learning age appropriate things that will help him in the future.
My diet and exercise are difficult. I have been walking the dog two or three times a day, unless it's cold and yucky like today, then it was only once. My knees and hips ache, I am feeling old (and fat). It is helpful to get out and move, the walks help me break up the day and work. But they certainly aren't enough to help me lose weight. I have been eating more than I should, still. I changed my plan so I don't get the fit points added on, so it's just daily and weekly points, but I am sure I really eat more of them than I should. Part of it is the anxiety, I get upset, and eat. I worry, I eat. Kiddo drives me nuts, I eat.
I am sometimes glad I don't have more kids during this time, it would be a lot to manage. But perhaps it would be better? Maybe having someone to play with would help the boy. I can't imagine having to go get groceries with a little one along though. They want to limit it to one person, but aren't enforcing it. I can't imagine how single parents would manage with little babies, I know there are grocery deliveries and even pick up options, but both are hard to come by right now. The local stores where you can order online and pick up are two weeks ahead, how do you manage that? You can only have one order placed at a time, so you can only get stuff every two weeks, and can't change your order in some cases. When Jackson was on milk we went through 2+ bags of milk a week! He wouldn't drink it frozen, so I'd have to be buying 5 bags every two weeks, and hoping for good expiry dates. Right now it's also hard to find certain things in stores, there are empty places on shelves. I managed to get a 24 pack of TP, which is great, should last a few weeks! But other things are missing, including a large number of cleaning products.
I trust and hope that at the end of this, life returns to somewhat normal. I can't imagine it will be the same, I think everything is changing. I really hope I will be able to cruise again, I hope we will be able to go back to Disney, to go to Universal, and Seaworld, Perhaps an All Inclusive at some point. And to see Canada, from coast to coast. I want to see things, to do things, to not be stuck at home. Yet, if I'm honest, I like being home, if I wasn't for having to take care of the boy this would be not so bad. I worry if I get sick, how will he be taken care of? He can't cook, he won't be able to feed and water the pets. No matter what, I have to be able to take care of him.
Friday, April 10, 2020
Saturday, March 28, 2020
Social Isolation in Crazy Time
Times are crazy. This virus is changing the way we live in so many ways. Not only is school closed but kids aren't supposed to be out playing with friends. Plus I am working from home, my job is critical so I'm expected to work. It is also proving challenging to do that and make sure Jackson is ok through all this.
The homeschooling did not go well, it started out great but he is stubborn and now would rather just play xbox all day. I am working, it's busy as I am supporting phone lines which are answering a lot more calls with a lot fewer people available. It's a struggle to balance everything. And the government hasn't announced when schools will actually go back. If it's a few weeks then ok fine, lets get through this, but if they aren't going back until September, then he needs to get over it and start doing more than xbox all the time. He has reconnected online with a boy he played with two summers ago, the other kid is quite nice and seems to be good with Jackson, which is nice. But Jackson can be needy and so can get upset when he's not the focus of the other kids time online. It can be a struggle. I have been having a lot of conference calls so he often has to be quiet. And I also have been trying to take video workout breaks during the day, even 10 minutes of a walking workout makes me feel better. I am looking forward to finding out about school so I can put plans in place. Add in plans for summer camps, and it is a difficult time for sure.
I have had to spend some money I wasn't supposed to, on groceries. Because everything is so scary, I only want to go to the stores once a week or less, so I am not shopping flyers and looking for the sales, or at least I am having to spend full price on some things which is causing me to spend more of my budget than I expected. This will impact summer camps, I am not sure I will be able to afford all the weeks I had originally planned for. He may end up in some more generic ones than the special camps. This if the camps even open up this summer! Who knows.
Given a 3 to 4 month time frame for this to go through the worst, that puts it at end of June before things normalize. I am glad that Canada seems to be doing better at planking the curve than perhaps some other countries. I think it helps we are so large in geography, and smaller in population. I am worried about my planned December cruise, not because I am scared to cruise, I have no issues getting on a cruise ship in the future, I am more worried about the place it cruises from, getting there and staying there beforehand. I have promised, if something happens and we can't cruise, we will go away to an all inclusive as soon as we can.
It is very strange when I take the dog for walks, everyone is good about staying on their side of the sidewalk, there are few people out and about walking, biking, etc. And even on the roads, there are few cars driving around. I have been to the stores twice, the experience is so different. Put your groceries up, step back, they ring them up, they step back, you step up and pay, then when they step back again you bag them up. I find it frustrating that so many things are out of stock, and I can't shop sales like I normally would. I am lucky I still get a pay cheque, but it is not going to last as much as it once did with prices higher. It is also hard being home, kiddo is not eating his usual school snacks and only wants the special things like chips and candy, he won't eat cookies. It is weird, and frustrating. Tonight I have a chicken in the oven, I'll have mashed potatoes, he'll have rice.
I have been trying to stick to weight watchers, but it is hard! Fresh veggies are hard to come by, and even frozen ones are few in stock. Add in the anxiety, stress from working at home, worry about how Jackson is coping, and I have been overeating. I intend to do better going forward, spend April really keeping on plan and adding in movement breaks to my day. I will do what I can, and hopefully by May we'll be able to get out of the house more, and perhaps back to normal.
I think the unique thing for being an SMC in this time, I am the only parent, the only option. If I get sick, god forbid I end up in hospital, what will happen to Jackson? I have family but I also don't want to risk them and if I am sick, he would be too. I have one amazing niece who has said she'd help out any way she can which is so generous of her. My parents are older and I can't risk them getting sick. Hopefully I won't get it any way, but every time I cough or sneeze, or think my nose is stuffy, I worry. Now I do have seasonal allergies, so I've been dealing with that as the snow melts and that yucky mold comes out. I managed to find some claritin and it is helping but I still feel the post nasal drip. I worry about me getting sick, and him not able to take care of himself at all. He refuses to learn things, like even making a waffle for breakfast, he'd rather just have me do it.
I do still have regrets that he's an only child. I wish I had my 3 kids that I dreamt of, but I also know it would be super hard right now if I did. Even going to the store, he is able to stay home for an hour if I need to do that, younger kids, not so much. Cost wise, one is much better on the budget. But oh I wish I had another. Maybe, we'll see what happens I guess. I guess if I end up having to cancel the trip, perhaps I can save up and try next year? I'd be 46. Man. That feels so old. Yet sometimes I still think I must be in my 20's. But then we wouldn't be able to move at all. Though I think that may wait any way. Who knows, maybe this will be good for house prices? For me any way, not for sellers I guess.
Since we are home, I want to get the upstairs room cleaned up. I have a lot of stuff in it that needs to get out of the house. I had planned to donate but I guess that's not a good idea right now, so I am considering some of it just getting out. Next week is cardboard week, then the following is garbage week. Maybe next weekend I can some stuff ready to go. It's doable, just need to do.
Easter will be interesting too, we normally do dinner with family, but obviously we won't be able to do that now. I'm not sure how to handle the Easter bunny either, I had planned to start getting candy and eggs ready soon but haven't been able to do that yet. Perhaps next week I will find some good sale and try and get some stuff. Just not sure what I will be able to get as he is not a big chocolate kid. I am leery of heading to Walmart but know that would be the best place to get what I want. I will wait and see I guess. I have some time. Not much but a little bit.
The homeschooling did not go well, it started out great but he is stubborn and now would rather just play xbox all day. I am working, it's busy as I am supporting phone lines which are answering a lot more calls with a lot fewer people available. It's a struggle to balance everything. And the government hasn't announced when schools will actually go back. If it's a few weeks then ok fine, lets get through this, but if they aren't going back until September, then he needs to get over it and start doing more than xbox all the time. He has reconnected online with a boy he played with two summers ago, the other kid is quite nice and seems to be good with Jackson, which is nice. But Jackson can be needy and so can get upset when he's not the focus of the other kids time online. It can be a struggle. I have been having a lot of conference calls so he often has to be quiet. And I also have been trying to take video workout breaks during the day, even 10 minutes of a walking workout makes me feel better. I am looking forward to finding out about school so I can put plans in place. Add in plans for summer camps, and it is a difficult time for sure.
I have had to spend some money I wasn't supposed to, on groceries. Because everything is so scary, I only want to go to the stores once a week or less, so I am not shopping flyers and looking for the sales, or at least I am having to spend full price on some things which is causing me to spend more of my budget than I expected. This will impact summer camps, I am not sure I will be able to afford all the weeks I had originally planned for. He may end up in some more generic ones than the special camps. This if the camps even open up this summer! Who knows.
Given a 3 to 4 month time frame for this to go through the worst, that puts it at end of June before things normalize. I am glad that Canada seems to be doing better at planking the curve than perhaps some other countries. I think it helps we are so large in geography, and smaller in population. I am worried about my planned December cruise, not because I am scared to cruise, I have no issues getting on a cruise ship in the future, I am more worried about the place it cruises from, getting there and staying there beforehand. I have promised, if something happens and we can't cruise, we will go away to an all inclusive as soon as we can.
It is very strange when I take the dog for walks, everyone is good about staying on their side of the sidewalk, there are few people out and about walking, biking, etc. And even on the roads, there are few cars driving around. I have been to the stores twice, the experience is so different. Put your groceries up, step back, they ring them up, they step back, you step up and pay, then when they step back again you bag them up. I find it frustrating that so many things are out of stock, and I can't shop sales like I normally would. I am lucky I still get a pay cheque, but it is not going to last as much as it once did with prices higher. It is also hard being home, kiddo is not eating his usual school snacks and only wants the special things like chips and candy, he won't eat cookies. It is weird, and frustrating. Tonight I have a chicken in the oven, I'll have mashed potatoes, he'll have rice.
I have been trying to stick to weight watchers, but it is hard! Fresh veggies are hard to come by, and even frozen ones are few in stock. Add in the anxiety, stress from working at home, worry about how Jackson is coping, and I have been overeating. I intend to do better going forward, spend April really keeping on plan and adding in movement breaks to my day. I will do what I can, and hopefully by May we'll be able to get out of the house more, and perhaps back to normal.
I think the unique thing for being an SMC in this time, I am the only parent, the only option. If I get sick, god forbid I end up in hospital, what will happen to Jackson? I have family but I also don't want to risk them and if I am sick, he would be too. I have one amazing niece who has said she'd help out any way she can which is so generous of her. My parents are older and I can't risk them getting sick. Hopefully I won't get it any way, but every time I cough or sneeze, or think my nose is stuffy, I worry. Now I do have seasonal allergies, so I've been dealing with that as the snow melts and that yucky mold comes out. I managed to find some claritin and it is helping but I still feel the post nasal drip. I worry about me getting sick, and him not able to take care of himself at all. He refuses to learn things, like even making a waffle for breakfast, he'd rather just have me do it.
I do still have regrets that he's an only child. I wish I had my 3 kids that I dreamt of, but I also know it would be super hard right now if I did. Even going to the store, he is able to stay home for an hour if I need to do that, younger kids, not so much. Cost wise, one is much better on the budget. But oh I wish I had another. Maybe, we'll see what happens I guess. I guess if I end up having to cancel the trip, perhaps I can save up and try next year? I'd be 46. Man. That feels so old. Yet sometimes I still think I must be in my 20's. But then we wouldn't be able to move at all. Though I think that may wait any way. Who knows, maybe this will be good for house prices? For me any way, not for sellers I guess.
Since we are home, I want to get the upstairs room cleaned up. I have a lot of stuff in it that needs to get out of the house. I had planned to donate but I guess that's not a good idea right now, so I am considering some of it just getting out. Next week is cardboard week, then the following is garbage week. Maybe next weekend I can some stuff ready to go. It's doable, just need to do.
Easter will be interesting too, we normally do dinner with family, but obviously we won't be able to do that now. I'm not sure how to handle the Easter bunny either, I had planned to start getting candy and eggs ready soon but haven't been able to do that yet. Perhaps next week I will find some good sale and try and get some stuff. Just not sure what I will be able to get as he is not a big chocolate kid. I am leery of heading to Walmart but know that would be the best place to get what I want. I will wait and see I guess. I have some time. Not much but a little bit.
Thursday, March 19, 2020
Epic Homeschooling?
Well things ramped up pretty quick, and it is an interesting time to be living. Schools are closed for March break and then two weeks, but at least two provinces have closed them "indefinitely" so I'm sure ours are to follow. I am lucky that I can work from home, not lucky that I am considered essentially and actually have to. Hopefully they will be accommodating, I do not have a lot of options for childcare! Thought my parents and sister's family have offered to help. At least this week I am on vacation, which so far involves walking the dog, listening to the boy complain about his video games, and trying to avoid the stores. So far, not going that great but not terrible.
Last night I was talking to him about how starting next week we would need to do some school type work, and showed him a schedule I had done up. He asked to move a few of the blocks around and was excited to get started. So this morning, at 9 AM he said "time for the epic homeschooling!" and off we go. It isn't so bad, so far. But he is a handful and even the two hour activity breaks do not seem to be enough for his mental health. He needs to be active. I did order a small indoor trampoline for us and hopefully it comes Monday! Also some books to learn cursive and work on multiplication tables. I also get him to do 10 minutes of reading (his reading level is really high so I'm not worried about that) and this morning he did a slide show to present me with information on covid 19. I am hoping to get him to do a few online programs as well, we'll see. There are a lot of resources being made available for parents and children since we are not supposed to be interacting with anyone.
We did go visit my parents yesterday, I'm not sure we'll be able to do that again any time soon, but it was nice as it was. I've stocked up on pet food, we have enough for the 3 weeks, and we'll go from there. For us, I will probably need to get some things this week but it will be later and not a lot. I am sad I didn't get my hair cut last week, since now who knows when I will be able to do so. It is bugging me but I will survive, it's just hair after all!
So now here we are, homeschooling... trying to keep him active and yet calm, he has always been one to get worked up about stuff, and this is the same. I hope we can manage to get through this without any blow out fights. I am glad we had already cancelled the cruise we should be on right now, that would have been difficult to sort out with refunds and stuff. At least this way, we have the one in December to look forward to and hopefully enough time before then to settle things down. If the dollar keeps dropping though it could be a very expensive trip! But one I think we will really look forward to going on.
Life goes on. I am not worried about catching this thing ourselves, slightly concerned for my parents because they are older and have had health problems, including my mom's diabetes. We will survive this, things will probably change significantly, and in the end, we will be stronger for it.
Last night I was talking to him about how starting next week we would need to do some school type work, and showed him a schedule I had done up. He asked to move a few of the blocks around and was excited to get started. So this morning, at 9 AM he said "time for the epic homeschooling!" and off we go. It isn't so bad, so far. But he is a handful and even the two hour activity breaks do not seem to be enough for his mental health. He needs to be active. I did order a small indoor trampoline for us and hopefully it comes Monday! Also some books to learn cursive and work on multiplication tables. I also get him to do 10 minutes of reading (his reading level is really high so I'm not worried about that) and this morning he did a slide show to present me with information on covid 19. I am hoping to get him to do a few online programs as well, we'll see. There are a lot of resources being made available for parents and children since we are not supposed to be interacting with anyone.
We did go visit my parents yesterday, I'm not sure we'll be able to do that again any time soon, but it was nice as it was. I've stocked up on pet food, we have enough for the 3 weeks, and we'll go from there. For us, I will probably need to get some things this week but it will be later and not a lot. I am sad I didn't get my hair cut last week, since now who knows when I will be able to do so. It is bugging me but I will survive, it's just hair after all!
So now here we are, homeschooling... trying to keep him active and yet calm, he has always been one to get worked up about stuff, and this is the same. I hope we can manage to get through this without any blow out fights. I am glad we had already cancelled the cruise we should be on right now, that would have been difficult to sort out with refunds and stuff. At least this way, we have the one in December to look forward to and hopefully enough time before then to settle things down. If the dollar keeps dropping though it could be a very expensive trip! But one I think we will really look forward to going on.
Life goes on. I am not worried about catching this thing ourselves, slightly concerned for my parents because they are older and have had health problems, including my mom's diabetes. We will survive this, things will probably change significantly, and in the end, we will be stronger for it.
Thursday, March 12, 2020
Feels like end of days
This Covid-19 thing is really getting annoying. It has sure escalated quickly. I guess at this point I am glad I cancelled my cruise plans for March break, given we'd likely end up quarantined or something. At least now I just have a week of March Break, avoiding crowds, and then TWO WEEKS of closed schools. So 3 weeks at home. I mean, I am able to work from home, so it should be ok, but wow... it's quite a thing! It seems everyone is in full on panic mode. Stores are nuts, shelves are bare, what are people doing? Do they think they will never be able to leave their home again? I just don't understand. I certainly don't have two weeks or more of food in the house. I do plan to buy 2 weeks of cat and dog food when I get paid next week, but I do that any way. For kiddo and I, well we could manage with what's in the house for a few days any way. But I certainly don't have a stock pile of things. I have a grocery list for this weekend, I can only hope the items will be in store!
I am off work until March 23rd, then working from home until April 5. It's crazy. I mean it's kind of nice, I like working from home, I feel I get more done, but it will be weird for sure. And it will be harder on the kid. Two weeks is a long time for no school, no going out. And he is not using my new laptop for playing his video games. He broke my last one, I had to get a replacement rather quickly, and now I finally received it. It is nice, and new, and pink, and not for his use! I will have to lock it up or something.
He has been getting to and from school on his own for a couple weeks now. Doing well with it, except eating chips for breakfast. Instead of cereal or toast or something. We will have to work on that. At least he hasn't been late or anything. Now the weather is starting to get nicer, it will be even better.
I have joined WW, again, and am starting to walk again. The sidewalks have cleared up well enough to go and not slip around. I am not doing great but am hopeful, and I have lost a pound or so. I hope to lose more, and perhaps being home for 3 weeks will help. I will at least be able to go for a good walk at lunch time. Perhaps I can start running. It is hard, normally sometime in January or February I start exercising in the basement, but this year I didn't. I have not been getting enough sleep, been lazy, and gained some extra weight. I signed up for 6 months, I hope it will be enough time to get some good habits. We'll see!
I am off work until March 23rd, then working from home until April 5. It's crazy. I mean it's kind of nice, I like working from home, I feel I get more done, but it will be weird for sure. And it will be harder on the kid. Two weeks is a long time for no school, no going out. And he is not using my new laptop for playing his video games. He broke my last one, I had to get a replacement rather quickly, and now I finally received it. It is nice, and new, and pink, and not for his use! I will have to lock it up or something.
He has been getting to and from school on his own for a couple weeks now. Doing well with it, except eating chips for breakfast. Instead of cereal or toast or something. We will have to work on that. At least he hasn't been late or anything. Now the weather is starting to get nicer, it will be even better.
I have joined WW, again, and am starting to walk again. The sidewalks have cleared up well enough to go and not slip around. I am not doing great but am hopeful, and I have lost a pound or so. I hope to lose more, and perhaps being home for 3 weeks will help. I will at least be able to go for a good walk at lunch time. Perhaps I can start running. It is hard, normally sometime in January or February I start exercising in the basement, but this year I didn't. I have not been getting enough sleep, been lazy, and gained some extra weight. I signed up for 6 months, I hope it will be enough time to get some good habits. We'll see!
Thursday, February 6, 2020
Getting Older
Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 45. I don't feel old or anything, but I do feel unprepared. I have some regrets, some worries for the future, and a host of other feelings. Worry being near the top. We intend to go for dinner tomorrow night, so I don't have to cook, and so we actually go out, but that will be weather permitting I think. We are in the midst of a large amount of snow fall and the temperature has dropped again. It is supposed to warm up a bit again over the weekend. Not many plans for the weekend, I don't tend to do much in winter though I think that may be worse for Jackson. I wish we were going on a trip this year but it's not in the cards. Not until December any way.
Based on where I work, I could retire at 55, just 10 years away. But I think I will have to work until 59. There is a course I can take on retirement at work that I guess I should take now. I am banking on the pension plan, so I will need to make sure my best years are high enough to be able to manage after I retire. Of course I will want to travel, spend winter some place warmer. Not sure I will be able to do any of that, but I will hope (and plan at some point). I am not prepared to be a decade away from retirement, though I look forward to not having to work. I worry that I won't be able to do it, that I will have to work much longer, and not be able to retire ever.
I have regrets, as Jackson has gotten older I find I deeply regret not giving him a sibling when he was 2 or 3, I wonder if it might have made our problems easier, perhaps if he had a built in friend to play with things might have been easier especially in terms of getting the screens out of our lives. I feel like I would love to be able to provide that sibling even now, but 10 years to retirement? I wouldn't be able to do that with a new baby, and adoption is too difficult right now. The logistics of it, and with the problems we are having, it seems like it would be too difficult to manage. He has been having more trouble in school, I am hoping that we have a handle on it but you never know. He has been somewhat ostracized by his friends, not getting invited to birthday parties, none of them wanting to come play. It worries me too.
Still looking at moving, not sure when or where now though. With all the issues at school I wonder if it would be a good break to change schools. Clean break and all that. It would be nice for him to have more choices of friends, perhaps a bigger school. I debate just switching him to the public school board. And so I consider where to move to. Or whether to move at all. This house is bigger than we really need, but it's also comfortable and a good location. Moving is expensive and a lot of work. We could move into something smaller, but I don't think it would save money. And I'd probably have to park outside, in winter, which sucks. So I'm not sure what to do really. A lot to consider, and I've been making lists of course, and trying to think it all through. I don't want to make a decision too hastily, because I worry about the future and make decisions too quickly.
Here I am, turning 45. My life is not what I expected it would be but I keep going, keep making choices and trying to make it something good. I have a good job, that pays well and I'm good at. But that really bores me and is not inspiring. I can't imagine a better one though, I don't have a job in mind that would be amazing. I'll continue it, because it has a pension plan, benefits, and I am good at it. I hope that will be enough.
I have one child, I always imagined having 3, but sometimes one feels like more than enough. And yet it also feels like not at all enough. I long for a bigger family, more love. But it's also hard, my one kid is a bit hard to manage, and I miss so much the little kid he was, the adoring child who just wanted to be with me all the time. He still needs me every bedtime, but not for cuddles. I miss it so much, people are right, it does go by so fast.
I wanted to travel to some places, and while we have gone on a few trips, and I love our cruises and Disney vacations, there are other places I want to see that I'm not sure I'll be able to now. Or maybe I will after I retire. I also didn't really want to live here forever, but given my job it is now the only option. Again, until I retire. I guess I need to hope I will be able to retire.
Based on where I work, I could retire at 55, just 10 years away. But I think I will have to work until 59. There is a course I can take on retirement at work that I guess I should take now. I am banking on the pension plan, so I will need to make sure my best years are high enough to be able to manage after I retire. Of course I will want to travel, spend winter some place warmer. Not sure I will be able to do any of that, but I will hope (and plan at some point). I am not prepared to be a decade away from retirement, though I look forward to not having to work. I worry that I won't be able to do it, that I will have to work much longer, and not be able to retire ever.
I have regrets, as Jackson has gotten older I find I deeply regret not giving him a sibling when he was 2 or 3, I wonder if it might have made our problems easier, perhaps if he had a built in friend to play with things might have been easier especially in terms of getting the screens out of our lives. I feel like I would love to be able to provide that sibling even now, but 10 years to retirement? I wouldn't be able to do that with a new baby, and adoption is too difficult right now. The logistics of it, and with the problems we are having, it seems like it would be too difficult to manage. He has been having more trouble in school, I am hoping that we have a handle on it but you never know. He has been somewhat ostracized by his friends, not getting invited to birthday parties, none of them wanting to come play. It worries me too.
Still looking at moving, not sure when or where now though. With all the issues at school I wonder if it would be a good break to change schools. Clean break and all that. It would be nice for him to have more choices of friends, perhaps a bigger school. I debate just switching him to the public school board. And so I consider where to move to. Or whether to move at all. This house is bigger than we really need, but it's also comfortable and a good location. Moving is expensive and a lot of work. We could move into something smaller, but I don't think it would save money. And I'd probably have to park outside, in winter, which sucks. So I'm not sure what to do really. A lot to consider, and I've been making lists of course, and trying to think it all through. I don't want to make a decision too hastily, because I worry about the future and make decisions too quickly.
Here I am, turning 45. My life is not what I expected it would be but I keep going, keep making choices and trying to make it something good. I have a good job, that pays well and I'm good at. But that really bores me and is not inspiring. I can't imagine a better one though, I don't have a job in mind that would be amazing. I'll continue it, because it has a pension plan, benefits, and I am good at it. I hope that will be enough.
I have one child, I always imagined having 3, but sometimes one feels like more than enough. And yet it also feels like not at all enough. I long for a bigger family, more love. But it's also hard, my one kid is a bit hard to manage, and I miss so much the little kid he was, the adoring child who just wanted to be with me all the time. He still needs me every bedtime, but not for cuddles. I miss it so much, people are right, it does go by so fast.
I wanted to travel to some places, and while we have gone on a few trips, and I love our cruises and Disney vacations, there are other places I want to see that I'm not sure I'll be able to now. Or maybe I will after I retire. I also didn't really want to live here forever, but given my job it is now the only option. Again, until I retire. I guess I need to hope I will be able to retire.
Saturday, January 25, 2020
January
This new year has been flying by in some ways, and crawling in others. I start a new position at work on Monday, meaning I have to go back to my old building, and find parking. I posted about it on facebook and got so many messages from work people who are happy to see me back, a lot of we can go for coffee or come see me messages. It is nice to feel liked. I am happy to be seeing them all again, and the past two years have been good for me I think. The manager may have been nuts but she did help me feel like I am a strong employee with a lot to offer. I have 15 years experience, ranging across the spectrum of jobs, from working with customers to headquarters supporting field workers and projects as well. I know stuff. I remember stuff. One of the guys says I have the memory of an elephant. I guess I do. The commute to the new job will suck, one of the bridges to get there is closed so it pushes traffic onto fewer roads. And I still haven't sorted out parking, which really sucks. And is going to cost more than I can afford right now.
Money, budgets, wow do I suck at this stuff! I am still paying for going to Disney and totally over spending. I really need to get it together or we not only won't be moving but we won't be able to go away in December. Focus on the budget and sticking to it. It is a big harder since I've been eating keto. I haven't actually lost any weight doing it but I feel better (except that I have been waking up with headaches a lot). My stomach has been running well, no tummy troubles, and I am starting to feel the energy benefits. I know it will take a bit longer to really get those (it's only been 2 weeks). I just can only hope I can afford to keep doing this, and to get the cats back on canned food. I had to give in and buy them dry food for the next two weeks, this job change is costing more because of the parking uncertainty.
Weather has been interesting, we seem to get storms on the weekend, Saturday into Sunday morning, spend Sunday shoveling and then the week is usually ok for the most part. I guess it is good since it means I have all day Sunday to shovel. I didn't hire anyone this year, hoping to use a one time service when needed but so far I haven't needed to. I do hope we can move before next winter, and we'll have a smaller driveway. the current one is two car lengths long, one wide, but we're on a corner which means we get the big dump of snow from the plow when it goes around. Go even 2 or 3 cars down and they get less than half what we do.
Jackson and I have been struggling, we have had a few blow outs about his lack of respect, he takes out his anger over things on me. I can only handle being called very mean things for so long before I get mad and say things I regret. I get that he feels "safe" with me to call me these things and he doesn't know how else to deal with what he is feeling. In my head I understand it, but dealing with it is very hard. I have so many other things I'm trying to deal with and of course he hits on all my insecurities, making me feel even worse. We're working on it but it is a trial. I am hoping next week goes ok in the morning so I am not late for work! And hopefully in 6 weeks we'll be able to have him out of daycare, getting to school on his own and home again after, so I can shift my hours to an earlier start. Possibly able to work an extra 30 minutes each day and have a day off every 3 weeks. We'll see!
As for moving, I waiver. My landlord has raised my rent for the first time since I moved in here, it is still less than I'll end up paying at the new places, and the house itself feels so much better after the decluttering was done. But there are still things I'd like to change, and have updated, and I do not look forward to dealing with the rotten deck, and grass cutting, in the summer. Even though I will have to this year any way since I won't be able to save enough until fall for a move. I do plan to slowly replace a few things before we move any way, like my headboard and the garbage can in the kitchen, maybe the TV & stand. I may get a new microwave as well, the one here came with the place and still works but there is this retro red one that looks so cute and goes with the new coffee maker I have. So I'd like to update a few things like that.
Of course I still need to declutter the guest room, the basement, and my own room and kiddos room. Our rooms are a bit less important, they have clothes in them, and probably some garbage, to be collected, but a lot of old clothes are in bags in the guest room (along with a bunch of other stuff that needs to go). I need to arrange for a donation pick up, or to drop stuff off somewhere, the pick up being easiest in terms of just putting a label on the bags/boxes and putting them outside. I had planned to do that for Feb 3 but perhaps I will wait a bit longer. I have not done anything about any of it, to be honest. I haven't even printed off the labels. The stuff upstairs should be pretty easy, label the bag and it can go out. Some stuff still needs to be in a bag, but that's easy. The stuff in the basement is harder since I don't have boxes of the right size so not sure what to do about it, I could put stuff in bags instead of boxes, but I will need more bags for that. And there is the storage room which has a lot of stuff in it, in boxes from when we moved. Some of it things like a quilt I started before kiddo was born, or the stuff from when I had a little side business making lotions. Things that I would someday like to get back to.
A lot of what remains will depend on which place I decide to move to. I think we really only need two bedrooms. The third would be nice as a place for his xbox and such but we don't need it. We won't have a lot of storage unless we move to the town home, rather than a two level flat. I want a town home since it will have a garage, for the car and his bike. But the other places will likely cost a lot less, so how much do I want to spend every month? I should save something on the utilities, I hope. But of course there will be set up fees for all the services. There will also be other things to get like new curtains, and breakfast bar stools. I will not have a kitchen/dining room table, we don't really need it if there is a breakfast bar to sit at for me to eat at. He eats in front of the TV any way, and I am tired of that fight.
January has been slow and long at the same time. Work was frustrating, trying to finish things, keep motivated to keep working, when I should have been let go to the new job well before I was. Now I'll play catch up on the new position and hopefully it will go well. Money has sucked, as always, and I need to pay better attention to it. At least I am eating pretty well, and Jackson is still eating a lot. He went skiing for the first time and had a lot of fun. Hopefully we get through the next few weeks well and can make it to spring without any problems. And he'll be ready to get to school on his own. Fingers crossed.
Money, budgets, wow do I suck at this stuff! I am still paying for going to Disney and totally over spending. I really need to get it together or we not only won't be moving but we won't be able to go away in December. Focus on the budget and sticking to it. It is a big harder since I've been eating keto. I haven't actually lost any weight doing it but I feel better (except that I have been waking up with headaches a lot). My stomach has been running well, no tummy troubles, and I am starting to feel the energy benefits. I know it will take a bit longer to really get those (it's only been 2 weeks). I just can only hope I can afford to keep doing this, and to get the cats back on canned food. I had to give in and buy them dry food for the next two weeks, this job change is costing more because of the parking uncertainty.
Weather has been interesting, we seem to get storms on the weekend, Saturday into Sunday morning, spend Sunday shoveling and then the week is usually ok for the most part. I guess it is good since it means I have all day Sunday to shovel. I didn't hire anyone this year, hoping to use a one time service when needed but so far I haven't needed to. I do hope we can move before next winter, and we'll have a smaller driveway. the current one is two car lengths long, one wide, but we're on a corner which means we get the big dump of snow from the plow when it goes around. Go even 2 or 3 cars down and they get less than half what we do.
Jackson and I have been struggling, we have had a few blow outs about his lack of respect, he takes out his anger over things on me. I can only handle being called very mean things for so long before I get mad and say things I regret. I get that he feels "safe" with me to call me these things and he doesn't know how else to deal with what he is feeling. In my head I understand it, but dealing with it is very hard. I have so many other things I'm trying to deal with and of course he hits on all my insecurities, making me feel even worse. We're working on it but it is a trial. I am hoping next week goes ok in the morning so I am not late for work! And hopefully in 6 weeks we'll be able to have him out of daycare, getting to school on his own and home again after, so I can shift my hours to an earlier start. Possibly able to work an extra 30 minutes each day and have a day off every 3 weeks. We'll see!
As for moving, I waiver. My landlord has raised my rent for the first time since I moved in here, it is still less than I'll end up paying at the new places, and the house itself feels so much better after the decluttering was done. But there are still things I'd like to change, and have updated, and I do not look forward to dealing with the rotten deck, and grass cutting, in the summer. Even though I will have to this year any way since I won't be able to save enough until fall for a move. I do plan to slowly replace a few things before we move any way, like my headboard and the garbage can in the kitchen, maybe the TV & stand. I may get a new microwave as well, the one here came with the place and still works but there is this retro red one that looks so cute and goes with the new coffee maker I have. So I'd like to update a few things like that.
Of course I still need to declutter the guest room, the basement, and my own room and kiddos room. Our rooms are a bit less important, they have clothes in them, and probably some garbage, to be collected, but a lot of old clothes are in bags in the guest room (along with a bunch of other stuff that needs to go). I need to arrange for a donation pick up, or to drop stuff off somewhere, the pick up being easiest in terms of just putting a label on the bags/boxes and putting them outside. I had planned to do that for Feb 3 but perhaps I will wait a bit longer. I have not done anything about any of it, to be honest. I haven't even printed off the labels. The stuff upstairs should be pretty easy, label the bag and it can go out. Some stuff still needs to be in a bag, but that's easy. The stuff in the basement is harder since I don't have boxes of the right size so not sure what to do about it, I could put stuff in bags instead of boxes, but I will need more bags for that. And there is the storage room which has a lot of stuff in it, in boxes from when we moved. Some of it things like a quilt I started before kiddo was born, or the stuff from when I had a little side business making lotions. Things that I would someday like to get back to.
A lot of what remains will depend on which place I decide to move to. I think we really only need two bedrooms. The third would be nice as a place for his xbox and such but we don't need it. We won't have a lot of storage unless we move to the town home, rather than a two level flat. I want a town home since it will have a garage, for the car and his bike. But the other places will likely cost a lot less, so how much do I want to spend every month? I should save something on the utilities, I hope. But of course there will be set up fees for all the services. There will also be other things to get like new curtains, and breakfast bar stools. I will not have a kitchen/dining room table, we don't really need it if there is a breakfast bar to sit at for me to eat at. He eats in front of the TV any way, and I am tired of that fight.
January has been slow and long at the same time. Work was frustrating, trying to finish things, keep motivated to keep working, when I should have been let go to the new job well before I was. Now I'll play catch up on the new position and hopefully it will go well. Money has sucked, as always, and I need to pay better attention to it. At least I am eating pretty well, and Jackson is still eating a lot. He went skiing for the first time and had a lot of fun. Hopefully we get through the next few weeks well and can make it to spring without any problems. And he'll be ready to get to school on his own. Fingers crossed.
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
New Year's Eve 2019
Another year is winding down. A decade really. I will soon be 45! Jackson is now 10, double digits! It has been quite a lot. A lot has happened, yet it all still feels the same. Does that make sense? I'm not sure.
This year has been interesting, it started pretty well. We were in a good place in terms of his behaviours. He started the year with comments from teachers that they noticed an improvement in him. We are ending it not that well. He's been on all his devices far too much, and is angry a lot of the time. I try to connect but he rebuffs me a lot. I miss my sweet boy. It's hard, but we continue on.
My goal for the new year is to yell less, to connect more. I'd like to have a game night, and a movie night. To get him to put away the devices and play. I want us to be active together in the summer. Walks, bike rides, whatever.
I have been gaining weight for awhile now, it keeps creeping up and up. I know what I need to do, the doing of it is the hard part. I plan to eat less carbs, meal plan so that leftovers are accounted for and used up. I will start walking again in the spring, and I'd like to do yoga at some point. I should start exercising sooner than spring, but we'll see on that front.
My home, it never quite got sorted when we moved in, and we continued to add to the toys and "stuff" over the years. My parents hired someone to come help me clean it, so I spent two days with her cleaning the whole main level. I tossed so many bags of garbage and she took even more to donate. There is no clutter now, everything has a place. Even the kitchen is organized and feels like I can cook in it! I still have to do the basement and the upstairs, but I feel like I can do it now. I need to focus though, spend a day or even half a day and just get through stuff. I'll have to take care of the donating myself, so it probably won't end up where I would most like it. Only one place comes to pick stuff up, but that is the easiest for sure.
Money, well money sucks. I am very broke. The cruise I wanted to take in March is not going to happen. But I have a goal to move in August or September (depends when the places are ready). So I need to save, first, last, movers, buy boxes, and hire the clutter lady to help me unpack for a day or half a day, so I start at that place in the right way. I have a cruise booked for next December, and we will go on that one. I can do this, save enough for everything and still manage to feed us properly. It will require saying NO to kiddo more often than I do, but it can happen. I have a list of things I want for the new place, and others I think we'll need. The needs come first of course, and whatever else I can get is prioritized.
The decluttering, getting rid of so much stuff, was cathartic, and exhausting at the same time. I feel good about the house now, though it still feels closed off. I do imagine the new place will be easier to organize. There may be some more toys to go. For now though, it works. Being able to cook will help with eating better. Not tripping over things will mean I can vacuum more often. And it will just be better in the long run. Still a ways to go with two thirds not done, but the one third that is done looks much nicer.
The New Year will be about change. I change jobs in late January. We hope to move mid year and I hope to take Jackson out of daycare by late March. That is a big change. Keeping the house clean, eating better, moving more. I can do it all. It sounds big but most are actually small changes.
This year has been interesting, it started pretty well. We were in a good place in terms of his behaviours. He started the year with comments from teachers that they noticed an improvement in him. We are ending it not that well. He's been on all his devices far too much, and is angry a lot of the time. I try to connect but he rebuffs me a lot. I miss my sweet boy. It's hard, but we continue on.
My goal for the new year is to yell less, to connect more. I'd like to have a game night, and a movie night. To get him to put away the devices and play. I want us to be active together in the summer. Walks, bike rides, whatever.
I have been gaining weight for awhile now, it keeps creeping up and up. I know what I need to do, the doing of it is the hard part. I plan to eat less carbs, meal plan so that leftovers are accounted for and used up. I will start walking again in the spring, and I'd like to do yoga at some point. I should start exercising sooner than spring, but we'll see on that front.
My home, it never quite got sorted when we moved in, and we continued to add to the toys and "stuff" over the years. My parents hired someone to come help me clean it, so I spent two days with her cleaning the whole main level. I tossed so many bags of garbage and she took even more to donate. There is no clutter now, everything has a place. Even the kitchen is organized and feels like I can cook in it! I still have to do the basement and the upstairs, but I feel like I can do it now. I need to focus though, spend a day or even half a day and just get through stuff. I'll have to take care of the donating myself, so it probably won't end up where I would most like it. Only one place comes to pick stuff up, but that is the easiest for sure.
Money, well money sucks. I am very broke. The cruise I wanted to take in March is not going to happen. But I have a goal to move in August or September (depends when the places are ready). So I need to save, first, last, movers, buy boxes, and hire the clutter lady to help me unpack for a day or half a day, so I start at that place in the right way. I have a cruise booked for next December, and we will go on that one. I can do this, save enough for everything and still manage to feed us properly. It will require saying NO to kiddo more often than I do, but it can happen. I have a list of things I want for the new place, and others I think we'll need. The needs come first of course, and whatever else I can get is prioritized.
The decluttering, getting rid of so much stuff, was cathartic, and exhausting at the same time. I feel good about the house now, though it still feels closed off. I do imagine the new place will be easier to organize. There may be some more toys to go. For now though, it works. Being able to cook will help with eating better. Not tripping over things will mean I can vacuum more often. And it will just be better in the long run. Still a ways to go with two thirds not done, but the one third that is done looks much nicer.
The New Year will be about change. I change jobs in late January. We hope to move mid year and I hope to take Jackson out of daycare by late March. That is a big change. Keeping the house clean, eating better, moving more. I can do it all. It sounds big but most are actually small changes.
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