Depression

I have always been an anxious person. I get worried and upset about just about everything. When I was in school I would be worried that I had failed, and end up with straight A's. In junior high I was miserable, I had a year where I was bullied, had no friends, basically felt worthless, hopeless and helpless. It was terrible, I wonder how I survived it. I did though, as I have every bout of depression I've since experienced. And I've had quite a few. I think I am in one now. It's not bad, well not as bad as I suppose it could be. It is annoying, and I don't like it. I don't like feeling this weight on me, this heaviness.  It makes me angry, and I have taken that anger out on my kid. Yelled at him when I don't want to, let little things bother me, said things I shouldn't say.

In the past I have taken medication to help, but hate the way it makes me feel. The last bad time I somehow managed to "talk" myself out of it. There is a book called "Feeling Good" I believe, I did some of that, and it worked.  That was just before I got pregnant, so it has been awhile. While I was pregnant that ob-gyn I saw kept trying to get me to go on anti depressants, worried I'd have postpartum depression I guess. It was one of many annoyances from her. After Jackson was born I was very happy. I had a rough first few weeks with my little guy who didn't want to sleep, but once I managed to get some sleep myself I felt better and we went along.

Going back to work was hard, every time he's changed daycares has been hard. Every time we have money problems it's been hard. Work is hard, so many changes, not always good ones. Every little thing adds to the pressure and worry. I've had a couple health issues, pet issues, nothing so terrible on its own, but just over all adding to the pressure.  And just now it's all a little much for me. I think I need a break, but of course there are no breaks from being a mom. Especially not a single mom.

In some ways I know what I need to do, I need to get back to my exercising, I need to eat better, I need to meditate or do some visualization. I need to be better in control of my own emotions. And it needs to be now, not in a week, but now. The problem of course is I am tired. The thought of doing something makes my head hurt. I can't afford to eat the way I'd like to, I can't afford not to though.

I sometimes get overwhelmed by all the things I want to be able to do, and wanting them now. Then realizing they may never happen at all, that time is ticking on and nothing really changed. It is hard to see the best things, the good things that I want. I feel disappointed, and like a failure. I want to buy a house someday, I still sometimes want another kid, or to travel lots, those two swap in my head every week :-)  I want to pay off all the debt, and not rack it up again. I want to be able to work part time or take summers off, or maybe both. Most of all I want to be a good mom, to be patient, and happy, to have fun with my kid, and to enjoy him.

School and Routines

Jackson has been back to school for 3 weeks now. He is in senior kindergarten. The school has split classes, so JK/SK together. He does English in the morning and French in the afternoon. Luckily he has one teacher, the other two classes are split, with one teacher for English and one for French. The sad part is his best friends are not in his class, so he's making new friends. He seems to be doing well, I think he likes it better than when he had half days any way. No problems with drop off, a few issues at pick up when he doesn't want to leave. At least on Thursdays he is good. Thursday we have swimming lessons. So far he's had two lessons and has been very good when the class is over and it's time to go home. He is re-doing the salamander level, he is working on doing the floating and stuff on his own. He has 7 more classes and I am really hoping he passes! I don't think we'll do swimming again over winter though. We have our trip planned and I don't want him to end up missing lessons. Whatever level he gets to we will continue in spring/summer.

Our routines have been going along nicely. Though it's probably a little bit boring. I get up before him and have my breakfast and coffee before I get him up. I suppose I could get him up earlier so he has time for breakfast at home, but since it's so hard to get him to sleep at night, I hate that he'd be so tired in the morning. Our evenings are quiet, except for Thursday with swimming. Weekends are easy, we go to the library on Saturday morning, do our errands, including groceries, then Sunday is quiet day, we hang out, sometimes he doesn't get out of his pj's!  Whichever day has nice weather we try and go to the park or for a walk in the woods. I wish we lived closer to the park, it's quite a walk and I almost always end up having to carry him part of the way home, he is a big, heavy boy!

I think the hardest thing about school is lunches. I have a really hard time packing a lunch for my son. He doesn't like sandwiches, so what can I send? I have sent things in his thermos, cheese and crackers, that's pretty much it, that he will eat. I have to send snacks too, fruit, veggies, snacky things. It is really hard to be creative. I bought some books to help, but haven't actually used them yet. I am somewhat stuck in the food and menu department. My own diet is miserable, partly because money is very tight right now. I still have to pay for our trip, and while the flights are paid for the rest is not, and since we have to fly there, we need to have a place to stay! So I need to manage that better than I have been. All in all it is frustrating, and my own fault for everything of course. In general our spending is better, we have been spending less. The problem is I haven't saved more. We will manage, somehow, but it's making me stressed, which isn't helping my eating habits, or anything else for that matter.

I think we are doing well. Somedays I find it really hard, he is just too much. But most of the time it's all good and wonderful. I know we are a happy family. And there are only brief moments when I wish there was a baby in the picture as well.