Monday, May 30, 2011

Ah sleep...

It seems that every time Jackson's sleep gets better, a few days later it gets much worse than it was before.  I was home Friday sick (feeling much better now!) and managed to get quite a bit of sleep myself.  I picked him up from daycare and we were all set!  I knew it was going to be a bit of a rough weekend, the weather was going to be rainy and icky (it was) so we wouldn't be able to get out and about.  Plus I'm kind of broke at the moment, so we couldn't go anywhere. 

Friday night wasn't too bad, he went to sleep pretty well.  Woke up once, gave him a bottle and he went back to sleep.  Then he was up at 6.  In the morning.  seriously!  I am so not a morning person but since having my son I do not get to sleep in any more!  I was a bad mommy and gave him a bottle, he was content for another hour or so, I think he went back to sleep for awhile and then woke up babbling and having a great time, so we were up for the day at 7.

Because we didn't get out Saturday, and he wasn't very tired, I tried putting him down for his nap at 11:30, usually he's asleep by 12, but this weekend he decided he'd stay up, so I got him up again and we tried at 12:45, it took him another 30 minutes to fall asleep, and then he only slept until 2, so about an hour long nap.  You would think after that he'd be tired Saturday night for bed... but no!  He was up, babbling, talking, crying, saying "book" and "park" over and over again, with an occasional "car" thrown in, until 9!!  He is normally asleep by 8 at the latest.  It was difficult for me because I do not let him cry it out, so if he was crying I'd go up to see what was wrong, he'd try to climb up me to get out of his crib, refuse to take his bottle, or lie down, and did not want to sleep even though he was obviously tired.  He was yawning and his eyes were droopy tired.  So it was a long night.

He woke up once, had a bottle, went back to sleep, and got up at 7 on Sunday.  He seemed really tired so I put him down for his nap at 11, he was asleep by just before noon, it took awhile but he was playing and not crying, so it seemed well.  Then the umm, very nice religious people, came and knocked on the door at 1.  Which set the dog off.  I mean he was barking like crazy, he woke the baby up... sigh... so I grabbed a second bottle and ran in to comfort him, he actually went back to sleep, thank goodness!  But then, at 1:30, the dog barked at some guy walking behind my house... like people do all the freaking time... so again, the baby woke up but this time he was not going back to sleep... another long day.

Then last night, he was hard to get down again, it was after 8 before he fell asleep.  And then just before midnight he woke up. As usual, I took him a bottle.  He took it, and seemed to go back to sleep, or not... for the next 90 minutes I was in and out of his room before I finally told him I was going back to bed and he would just have to go to sleep because I was done.  Of course he understood that :-) he did go back to sleep though, finally.  But it meant I was extra tired this morning so didn't get up to do my workout :-( 

Tonight was more of the same, I should be going to bed so I can at least get a bit of sleep before he wakes up again.  I just don't know what the problem is.  It could be his teeth, his two year molars are right there, I can see one peeking through, and the drool... oh the drool!  I know he has a bit of my cold, his nose is runny, but colds make me tired!  I refuse to let him simply cry, though that is what I'm being more tempted to try. 

I wonder about mom's who say they bring the kids into the bed with them.  I would love to do that if it would work.  But if he's in my bed, he's in my room, and I don't think he'll stay in the bed.  He knows how to get out of it, and he loves to play with everything he can reach in my room.  I'm not sure how to manage that.  Even putting him into a toddler bed, I can't see how that would work, he's into EVERYTHING.  And he tosses and turns, puts his feet between the bars, squishes up in one end of the crib or the other, moves as much as I do when I sleep. 

I just don't know what to do.  I'm sure the bottles are part of the problem, but when I can actually get him to take it, he usually falls asleep.  Oh, and rocking him in the rocking chair now just brings giggles and no longer puts him to sleep... that's a little bit sad.  I hope it gets sorted out soon.  I was so excited a week or two ago when he slept all night through with no wake ups.  I knew it wouldn't last, but I didn't think it would get so much worse!  I cannot see keeping him up until 8 then putting him to bed, I just don't see how that would work. 

Any way, I think this turned out a bit rambling.  I think I need some sleep :-)

Friday, May 27, 2011

I have a cold

I am sure my work is going to end up hating me, every time I am slightly sick now I call in, and don't go to work.  Today I am home because I have a cold.  If I didn't have a baby, I'd probably have gone to work.  But then I would have had the weekend to recover and sleep lots, now I don't have that luxury.  And this weekend promises to be raining and boring, and we'll both probably end up a little bit cranky. 

Even while I was pregnant I called in sick more than I would have before, sometimes because of morning sickness, sometimes I was just too tired and feeling icky to get out of bed.  Now, the slightest illness has me calling in.  It didn't  used to be that way!  I was good about going in, I had sick leave built up.  I also thought if I didn't go in the place would fall apart without me.  Now I don't think that.  And if it does, well honestly they should have planned a little better if that's the case. 

It's kind of funny how having a child puts a new perspective on things, like leaving work at work so I can focus on being a mom while I'm at home.  I went to pick up some groceries today, because I needed some juice and chicken noodle soup (I'm sick after all!) and it was so strange to be there pushing a cart without a toddler in it.  Even while driving, I look back and see his empty car seat, it feels weird.  I feel slightly guilty for taking him to daycare today while I'm home, but I am home to get better (and am going to take another nap in a few minutes), and I have to pay for the day any way. 

I am not sure that moms in relationships, with fathers in the picture, would have it any easier.  From what I've seen, even when sick those moms are expected to take care of everyone.  That may not always be the case of course, but if that was me, I'd be more than resentful if he was all healthy and didn't take care of the baby so I could get better.  I think things like that are why I'm happy as a single mom.  I look at all the work and effort people have to put into their relationships after kids enter the picture, and I just can't see myself doing that. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm sick, but I don't feel sorry for myself, and I know we'll manage.  But I am really glad I have good sick leave and other benefits at work because I sure do use them now!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

A rough day

The weather today did not cooperate.  It was humid and cloudy, and threatening to rain all day.  Then it did pour.  I had thought it was supposed to be nice and sunny, a great day to go to the park and play in the backyard.  But alas, it was not the case.  We did get to the park, I was desperate for a break from the whining and fussiness.  But didn't get to stay long as a few drops of rain started to fall, and the poor dog (who is terrified of the rain) was starting to freak out. 

Days like today are hard.  No one is here to help, or give me a break.  I resorted in the end to two videos.  Then a bath.  I do wonder sometimes, if I can handle two.  Most days are great but then there's a day or two, like today, where it all seems to be so much.  I guess if I had a better support system or something it would be better?  I don't know.  I know it'll get better when he can talk more, tell me what the problem is so I don't have to guess.  It could have been his teeth, he was droolier than usual.  Who knows.  I'll never really know. 

Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day. 

Saturday, May 21, 2011

And my parents have gone

They came and went in about 36 hours.  It was quick!  And it was nice.  They didn't make too many comments on the cleanliness of my home, and only a couple comments about when I'm going to buy a house.  I managed to not tell them about my wanting another baby, and thus avoided those comments.  It was nice to see them, and Jackson certainly loves them, he was quite thrilled with his Poppy.  Which is nice because I do sometimes worry about the lack of male influence in my house. 

My dad took me to Walmart yesterday too, and we got Jackson a sandbox, and a few other things.  Jackson loves his sandbox.  He will stand at the patio door and say "outside" over and over, then as soon as we go out the door, he runs over to it and tries to lift the lid saying "sandbox!" quite excitedly.  It's very cute.  Now I just need to try and find a slide, every time he sees one he says "slide" and wants to go over to it, which is awkward when they are in someones yard :-) 

We had a great day today too, it was gorgeous weather, so after my parents left we took the dog for a walk, then played in the backyard.  Lunch, nap then some more play, we checked out the basement which has finally been made ready for playing (in hopes it'll be cooler down there in summer).  Some more outside play this afternoon, then dinner, a walk to the park to play, and a signing dvd before bed.  Not that he's asleep yet, he's up there babbling away, but it's past bedtime so unless he starts crying he's on his own. 

My animals are happy my parent's visit was short, especially the cats.  Their very large lab likes to chase kitties, and mine are not used to that.  They come out to check him out but don't stay long, so spend the time  hiding in the basement or other places they can get to that he can't.  Once he's gone they are tentative in coming back out, and then fine. 

The rest of the weekend should be nice as well, tomorrow's weather is supposed to be as nice, and Monday there is a potluck with the Ottawa SMC's.  Which should be fun.  I hope the couple of them who have gone to the local fertility clinic and can give some advice.  I have already asked, and a couple have replied with great insight and advice.  I'm quite excited about making the decision to move forward.  Though this makes it difficult as I normally share pretty much everything with my parents.  And this is not something I can share. 

Now to chill and watch some TV, Dr Who is on :-)  Then we'll see.  Might be an early to bed night!  On a Saturday no less lol.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

My parents are coming!

It's a long weekend here in Canada, well Monday is a holiday for most of the country I think any way.  I had to take Friday off as my daycare is closed, which is fine by me!  I told my parents I had Friday off, and they decided to come and visit.  They come in late spring/early summer, and late summer/early fall to help me with my window air conditioner.  They decided to come down Thursday evening, so I decided to take Thursday off as well.  Jackson will still be going to daycare, so I can clean the house.

My parents have very high standards when it comes to cleaning.  I remember as a kid you didn't walk on the carpet after it was vacuumed because you would put footprints on it.  And they always makes comments about all my "stuff".  Yes I have a lot of things, some of it I probably don't need but I am horrible about getting rid of things.  I am pretty sure my mom will make comments about the fact I have baby things, like the jolly jumper and exersaucer, that she thinks I should sell.

They are not for me having a second child.  My mom has made many comments about me not having any more, and in fact suggested I get "fixed" when I was in the hospital having my son.  And I didn't have a c-section.  If and when I decide to get going on a second try, I will not tell them until I am well pregnant. 

My parents are funny, they love their grandchildren, and I know they love me and my sister, but they can be difficult.  My mom more than my dad.  I think I take after my dad more, both in his shopping habits, and in that he is quieter.  My mom is private, but she is also somewhat negative.  I think she's suffered from depression quite often in her life, I know she's been on medication for it, and I think there have been other times she should have been.  In general they both believe that I should live like they do, or like they have.  That I should do things the way they would do them. 

But I am not my parents.  I do not do things the way they want.  I lived with a guy I wasn't married to.  I had a child on my own.  I rent, I didn't buy.  I bought a used car.  I have two cats and a dog.  I don't clean the house as much as they would.  I don't cook the way they would.  I didn't start my son on solids in a way they approved of.  I don't let my baby cry it out, and I "spoil" him in their eyes.  I think my life is pretty good though.  My son is happy, and smart.  We spend time together, instead of worrying about dusting.  We manage.

I really am looking forward to their visit.  I do love my parents.  They have been good to me, to us.  They have supported me financially in the past, and like I said, they love me. 

It should be an interesting few days.  Oh, did I mention?  They have a black lab, a very big black lab :-)  I'll have quite a full house!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

How to have fun

I've been trying to figure out what to get for the backyard, what would be fun to have back there to play with.  So we don't have to go to the park all the time.  It's hard because it's a small yard, and I don't want to spend a lot of money.  I had wanted to get a water table, but I went cheap and got a couple dish pans and buckets from the dollar store.  Not great quality but someone doesn't mind. 

He had a lot of fun playing with such cheap toys, and ended up dumping all the water on himself.  But he had fun! 

I'm learning a lot from him about having fun and enjoying life.  It doesn't take much to get a giggle from him, the simplest things bring a smile to his face.  Tonight he found a ball and dropped it, it bounced and he thought that was hilarious.  Doesn't take much. 

I'm a fairly serious person, I always have been.  I enjoy things, and I do laugh, but I like quiet and alone time.  Having a child doesn't give you much time for that, but I do manage to find some "me" time.  I get to read, just not as much as I used to.  I watch my tv shows, though they sometimes get interrupted (I really need a pvr!).  I think Jackson takes after me in some ways, he will sit with a toy and concentrate on it, enjoying it but not being crazy about it.  But he still likes to have fun.

And this is how you relax after a hard day playing and having fun.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

People are strange

I've finally been making some decisions about when/if to have another baby.  I love my son more than anything, he makes my life so amazingly full and wonderful, I love every moment I get to spend with him, and somehow any of the not so great moments get forgotten as soon as they've passed.  I want more.  I really believe I was meant to be a mom, and that I was meant to have more than one child.

I've decided that for the next 12 weeks, roughly until the end of July, I need to stick to my exercise plan, stick to my budget and stick to eating healthier.  If I can do that for 12 weeks, and lose some weight, and find a new family doctor (anyone know of any in Ottawa accepting new patients?  lol) I will get a referral to the local fertility clinic.  And go from there.  Ideally I'd like to lose 35 pounds and have $4000 in the bank to start the fertility stuff.  I'm in Canada so a lot of it is covered (like the IUI and ultrasounds and blood tests).  Drugs are partly covered by my health plan at work. So it's just the clinic's fee and the sperm itself I'll have to pay for.  I think :-)  I'll be looking more into that over the next 12 weeks too. 

I've told a couple people of my plans, no one in my family as they are against me having another baby as it's "too hard" to do alone.  One person I told asked what about using my ex, my son's donor/father, and I agreed that would save me some money.  I'm pretty sure he'd volunteer for a pizza dinner.  But I don't really think I want to do that again.  I will choose a donor with similar features, so my kids have a chance of looking similar. 

One person told me I'm crazy, I have a son who is great and I should buy a house instead.  The problem with that is of course I want another baby.  And if I have to save for a down payment on a house, that's about 4 or 5 years of saving before I really have enough.  And to start trying then, at 40 +, well that seems like it won't work.  So I'm choosing baby before house. 

Is it bad that I rent?  I have a nice townhouse, it's got 3 bedrooms, a finished basement, a small backyard, a garage, more than 1 bathroom.  I have a washer, dryer and dishwasher.  If something breaks, I call the landlord and they come fix it.  Unless it's something quick and easy (like the toilet leak I fixed myself lol).  If I own a house, I have to do all that stuff myself, I have to mow the lawn and shovel the driveway, I have to fix things and replace things. 

I've also told a few people that I want more kids, nothing specific in terms of time frames, and they are all supportive.  Or seem to be at least.  I have one friend who thinks I should find myself a husband, and she recommends a friend of hers (I think) but again, I don't really think I want that.  I never really had a wedding, husband dream, except for a bit when I was in a relationship, and really even then I don't think it was really what I wanted, just what was expected of a relationship.  I will admit there are moments when I miss certain parts of a man.  But those moments pass. 

At this point, I don't know how I would share myself with a man, I am so much involved in being a mom.  To be honest, I don't know how married people do it.  How do you stay on track and involved with your spouse?  I think it would require a lot of work, and more than I have the energy to spend.  So as part of my decision, I'm going to stay happily single, and pursue another child, and eventually a house. 

Saturday, May 7, 2011

A lovely day

Today was a great day.  Jackson and I are having a great weekend together and I love it.  This morning we went shopping for groceries, not very exciting but it was pretty nice to get out.  We stopped for McDonald's on the way home, to pick up breakfast.  Jackson loves the breakfast burrito and the hash browns.  I don't give it to him everyday of course but we go about once a week or so.  We got home and ate our breakfast, he really enjoyed his, as did I. 

Then we went to the park, it's about a 20 minutes walk or so to the nice one.  And it was wet, the swings, the slide.  But I had brought an extra blanket in the stroller so I used that to dry things off a bit.  He had a lot of fun, using the swing, going down the slide, bouncy on the bouncy seat thingy.  Big smiles on his face.  Running in the sand, getting covered in sand.  Then we walked home and he had a snack of crackers and water.  He went down for his nap when we got home.

Three hour naps... ah how I will miss that someday!  I got some laundry done, while he slept, then had a bit of a nap myself :-)  When he got up it was snack time, then we played in the back yard for awhile.  Finally made dinner, burgers and potato salad.  Which he didn't eat any of lol.  We went for another walk after, carrying the baby in the Ergo.  It was also a nice walk. 

Finally a short a "movie" before the baby went to bed.  He loves to watch the singing dvd's, and then show off his signs.  Most look quite similar to each other, but he sure is enthusiastic about them!  He went to bed really easily too, fell asleep in record time. 

So it was a lovely day :-)

Tomorrow should also be pretty nice.  I have plans to go hiking in Gatineau Park with some other SMC's, I'll get a good workout carrying Jackson in my ergo... really need a toddler carrier soon lol.  I love my weekends with my baby, and now that the weather is nicer, it's really becoming fun to get out and enjoy the outdoors with him. 

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The secret

There's a quote I've always liked.  I have no idea who it's by so apologies to the original author.  The quote goes:
What your mind can conceive and believe
You can achieve

Or at least that's how I remember it.  I've always liked it because it means, to me at least, that what I really want, and believe in, will happen.  There are times in my life when I've forgotten this, when I've believed that I am doomed and a failure, that I am worthless and hopeless.  But eventually I remember again.

The winter before I conceived my son was a bad one.  I was depressed for many reasons and felt like life was nothing, there was nothing worth living for.  I had no love life, no really good friends, no children, just a dog and two cats.  A friend at work, an acquaintance really, told me about this video, The Secret, and loaned it to me. 

I won't say that I totally believe it, but I do think there is power in positive thinking.  I watched the video, and that quote I like was in it.  How neat is that?  Seeing that again reminded me that I am strong, that I have the power in me to have the life I want, if I can decide what that life should look like.  It lifted the darkness from me, and I acted.  I got a vehicle.  I had given mine up when I moved in with my ex, because we couldn't afford 2, and when he left, taking his car that I paid for, I was stuck on the bus all the time, and with crappy credit that wouldn't let me get a car loan.  All those places that say "we'll finance anyone!"  yeah, except me lol.  I did manage to find a place, and got some wheels!  You don't want to know the interest rate...  So I got moving, and was able to get out, which was great.  It made a difference.

I won't say that I got the car (actually it was a minivan) because of my belief that I could, but it pushed me to look for options.  To search for any place, and to call and put myself out there.  I could have given up, but I didn't.  I got a lot of no's before I found a yes. 

The same thing applies now.  I want a house.  I want another baby.  I won't give up until I find a way to get these things.  I will search for my options, and work at making my dreams come true.  I will also listen to my dreams, and to my heart.  I believe strongly that my mind shows me things in my dreams that mean something, whether it's how to work out a problem, or how to place the sofa :-) 

Don't get me wrong, I am also a planner, I plan things out in detail, step by step.  I like to know what's next and if I'm on track.  But sometimes I see a way to take a shortcut, or to change the steps.  And I am flexible enough to do that.  So dream it, plan it, and achieve it.  And be flexible enough to change mid-way. 

So what is the picture of my ideal life?  The one I'm working towards.  I think I still need to clarify some things, decide.  Do I want to live in the suburbs or in the country?  Do I want to have one more child or two?  Do I want to look into adoption as an option?  When do I want that child?  Do I need the promotion at work to do this or should I accept the job I have and just leave that alone?  Should I try dating?  I think once I know the answers to those questions, and a few more, I'll be able to solidify my plans. 

For now I am happy being a mom, loving being a mom, adoring my little man who is my sunshine.