Thursday, April 28, 2011


I've been thinking a lot lately about fertility.  I'm realizing I don't know a lot about fertility in general, and my own in particular.  I've been reading blogs about other women trying to be moms, they talk about their FSH levels, and blood tests, ultrasound and all these sticks they pee on.  I'm trying to learn, because I think I'm going to need this knowledge.  It also causes me to worry that the $5000 I'm trying to save up for this process may not be enough. 

I guess I've been counting on being able to get pregnant again easily.  I've been pregnant twice, both times were kind of one shot deals, well timed without knowing that they were.  The first was two years before I got pregnant with my son.  It ended in miscarriage, on my birthday.  My ex, who was the father, and who I was living with at the time, asked me "what I was going to do about it" when I told him I was expecting.  Which I suppose should have indicated to me that we were not in the same place, I mean when we moved in together we talked about trying to have kids, and "make babies" and I went off the pill.  He knew this.  But somehow it was a big shock.  What it did for me was two things, it made me realize how much I wanted to be a mom and have kids.  And it also made me worry the whole time I was pregnant with my son that something would go wrong.  Somehow it didn't make me kick his butt out... but that's a whole other post :-)

Regardless, it all leaves me with this, probably false, belief that I will be lucky enough to get pregnant again easily and quickly.  Even though it's probably not true.  I am older now, and well my "cycles" have been messed up lately, not at all regular and rather heavy and icky (real scientific, I know!).  I also have family history to battle.  My mom went through menopause early, she was all done before she was 50.  And my sister, who is 5-years older than me, has already had perimenopausal symptoms, for a few years.  So if my clock is like theirs, it's running out of steam quickly.

I worry that I should be trying NOW.  But I can't afford it now.  If I manage to stick to my budget, which so far has been tricky, I should have that $5000 by around this time next year.  Yes it's a long time, and you would think that with my salary I'd be able to save more, but daycare is so expensive!  As is life.  And all the "stuff" I want.  I try and find ways to cut the budget, but I hate to think that I am depriving myself, and my son, of things that we "should" have.  I also have credit issues in the past to deal with, things that I'm sure are going to bite me in the ass soon enough.  Otherwise I'd probably try and just charge the expenses. 

So I don't know when to start.  Ideally, I'd like to have another child and time it so that Jackson is starting school when my mat leave would be ending, or have him starting school when I start mat leave.  But then I'm not having a baby until 2013!!  At 38.  Do I have time?  And how much will it cost me to find out.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Laundry day

I am so tired of doing laundry.  For the past 16, almost 17 months, I have done probably a load of laundry a day.  I've forgotten loads in the washer and had to rewash them, forgotten loads in the dryer and had to re fluff them.  I've forgotten to add soap, added too much, not felt like putting things away and left them in the basket until it's time for the next load to be done.  Having a child, they don't tell you this, adds an incredible amount of laundry!

When he was new, he was constantly spitting up, and leaking other ways lol, and causing dirty blankets, clothes, just about everything.  I washed a lot of clothes.  Even now, his diaper sometimes leaks, especially over night, or his bottle, or he just plain drools a lot.  Sometimes he just gets dirty, crayons, paint, sparkles.  And then of course there are the diapers.  I switched him to cloth diapers 9 months ago, and have no real regrets about doing so.  It's fun, they're cute, and I never run out of diapers or have to run to the store to pick up more.  But I also have to do at least 3 loads of diapers a week.  And that's a tricky business.

Washing cloth diapers isn't really hard, and I am lucky to have soft water, a top loader, and haven't had any "stink" issues...yet.  I dump them all in the washer, run a cold rinse, then add a scoop of Nellies soap and run a hot wash/cold rinse cycle.  I use the most water the machine will do.  When they're done I throw them in the dryer on medium heat for about 30 to 45 minutes, then hang them up to finish drying.  I like to use the dryer because it adds some fluff to the diapers, so they are softer and nice.  But three times a week, well it's a lot of laundry.

I also of course have to do my own clothes.  Once a week :-)  I remember fondly when it was just me and I did one load of laundry a week, maybe two lol.  Now it's at least 7 a week.  The funny, or sad?, thing is that this past long weekend, while visiting my parents, the most relaxing part of it all was that my mom did all the laundry.  And it was so nice!

Monday, April 18, 2011


I've always been a worrier, an anxious kind of person.  As a kid I was always worried I'd failed a grade, wouldn't get a good teacher, wouldn't have any friends.  None of which happened of course, but the anxiety was always there.  I still think I was pretty happy for the most part, I had everything I could want, and was content with life.

Depression has always been in my life.  I think my mom suffered from it for a long time before she got help.  I know I had bouts of it over the years.  I would wonder what the point of living was, what to do next.  Over that time I've often managed to pull myself out of it by taking care of something, or someone.  I had a cat first, he had some expensive health issues but he was what got me through.  I did end up on medication for depression, and it really did help.  I think the fact that spring came again helped too, my sadness gets worse in winter. 

Then I met my ex.  Talk about having to take care of someone.  He had issues, lots of them.  Still does I'm sure.  Anxiety and depression were part of them, ones he never really worked on solving.  And he had some serious issues with money.  We were together 4 years and I paid for everything, rent, groceries, utilities, heck I even made half his car payments and help him pay his child support.  Then I got tired of it.  Tired of giving and not getting anything back, of feeling drained and alone though I was living with someone. 

Not really sure still how it all ended, but he told me his parents had separated and he had to move back to help his mom, so he moved out.  I was quite upset that he was just gone when I got home, he left while I was at work, left a note and vanished.  He left in September, by about January, early February, I was once again sunk into a deep depression.  I thank my dog for getting me through that one, a dog needs to out so I had to get up in the morning.  I had to go to work so I could pay the rent. 

Eventually I read a book, Feeling Good I think it's called.  It's about behavioural therapy for depression and while I didn't exactly follow the steps or do the activities, it helped.  A lot.  I managed to turn myself around.  Because of that book and  video a lady at work loaned me, the Secret.  Between the two I decided that I would get the life I want, I would have kids and be a mom, I would do what I wanted.

Then my ex called.  He came over.  We talked.  He thanked me for making him leave, for making him grow up.  He told me about how he had tried to kill himself and ended up in the hospital, how he was working again and dealing with things.  I didn't want to get back together, but have to admit it felt nice to be desired.  Even a bit.  I asked a favour, and he obliged. 

Now I have my son.  Becoming a mom was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.  Seeing my son for the first time flooded me with joy and happiness, more than I can express.  I have now gone through two winters without the slightest feeling of sadness, except of course those first few weeks of sleep deprivation lol, though that wasn't really sadness I suppose.  I can just picture my son and get flooded with joy.  Checking on him before bed gives me a happy feeling before I fall asleep.  It's awesome.

And the funny thing is there is a woman at work who commented on this today.  She has known me awhile, before when I was not so happy, then we didn't work together for a couple years, and now again we work in the same area.  She said to me that before I was a nice enough person, but now I am so much "more".  She can see the joy in me that my son brings to my life.  Isn't that an amazing thing?  I know I had happy moments before, but now even the crappiest moments are so short lived, and so easy to dispel.  Joy and love are very much part of my life, and always will be.  I am a happy mommy :-)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Night Terrors

Last night at around 11, Jackson woke up.  This isn't unusual, he often wakes for a bottle, so I stumbled in to give him one.  But he didn't want it.  And his screaming got louder.  So I picked him up and tried to comfort him, which is when he started thrashing about, screaming and sobbing.  I had to put him down to keep from dropping him.  It was frustrating and a bit scary.  I just didn't know what to do.  Eventually he calmed down and just fell back to sleep, if he had even been awake.

I googled it of course, and nearest I can figure it's night terrors.  Which is a similar state to sleep walking, the person appears awake but isn't.  My research implies that it can be caused by changes to routine (none), being over tired (possibly) or just because (helpful lol).  I think the over tired thing is a possibility because I've started putting him to bed 30 minutes later.  We used to go up to bed at 7 and he'd play in his bed until falling asleep at 8.  So I figured half an hour extra of being up with me, he's still fall asleep at the same time.  Which works.  But it could be the problem.  Then as well, he doesn't nap at daycare as much as he would at home.  She puts all the kids down from 1 to 3, at home he naps from 11 until 1 or 2, usually 2.

The way to handle it when it is happening, is apparently to just be there, but not to try and comfort him or anything, that makes it worse apparently.  Which was the case last night, so I guess that's true enough.  Sadly.  It is really really hard as a mommy to ignore your screaming horribly upset child.  Seriously.  But hopefully it will lead to a shorter outburst.  I really hope it works, and that this passes quickly.  I am kind of hoping that it will be due to his 2 year molars coming in, and once they are here it will all get better.  I really hope it does. 

Sunday, April 10, 2011

My addictive personality

I tend to go over board on things.  When I find something I like, I obsess over it and want more and more.  It's probably a good thing I never started smoking or drinking. 

My latest obsessions, besides wanting to have more kids, are cloth diapers and baby carriers.  I have to control myself not to buy more diapers.  It's crazy, I mean how many can I possibly use?  We have enough to last 3 full days.  Now I've never really found one that will last over night, my boy is a heavy wetter.  So I could use that as an excuse, I'm just buying more to try and find one that works well over night.  But I am resisting.  My desire to save money and have another baby is stronger than my desire for more diapers.

Carriers.  I love my carriers.  I have a ring sling I used when he was little, a wrap I loved when he was new, and of course my Ergo and Scootababy, my two go to carriers.  The problem is that the Ergo is getting a bit small for my little giant.  So I am investigating toddler carriers... they are not cheap!  I can justify it that I'll be able to use it for a couple years, and they do have great resale value.  Plus when I have a number 2 I'll be able to use it again.  Right? 

Even things I can't buy I obsess over, I love, absolutely love, to look at floor plans for houses, house I can't afford and probably never would be able to afford.  I know exactly which house by which builder I would buy if I could.  For a few different price points lol.  Cars too.  I know exactly which car I want, if I win the lottery, and it's a nice practical one too, not some fancy sports car or anything. 

I have a list a mile long of things I want to get, things I think I need.  Things I know in my head I don't need, but that I want.  Because I want them!  I can't blame it on some childhood issue of not getting enough toys, or love, or something silly like that.  I had everything I wanted, everything I needed.  It's just me, the way I am.  When I want something I don't let it go.  Well, until I find something new to obsess over :-) 

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Who needs a man!

I am quite proud of myself.  I fixed my leaky toilet.  Now this probably doesn't sound like a big deal to most people but it is something to me.  This is in fact the third time I have fixed toilet problems on my own.  I replaced two broken flushers (in different toilets) before this.  It's kind of funny too since I rent and could call the landlord to come and fix these things.  It just seems like such a waste of time, and stress for my dog who would be home alone while they were coming in to do this.  All in all it isn't like the parts cost a lot either.  So I figured it out and went and got the parts and voila!  No more leaky toilet!  I am so proud of me :-)

I kind of like the feeling of independance it brings to fix things myself.  Even little things like when I set up my wireless home network, it was easy when I followed the directions.  I put together some storage shelves for all of Jackson's toys, I even managed to lower the crib mattress on my own!  And that was tricky because you really need someone to hold it in place while you screw it back in place.  I've even put together 2 strollers on my own.  And installed two car seats! 

It's funny really, to think of all these "manly" jobs, and realize how there are such stereotypes in the world.  I sometimes wonder if Jackson will have to face these, to be the man and kill the spiders, mow the lawn, get the oil changed in the car.  I worry that people will judge him if he decides he likes to wear pink, or have his nails painted.  And what if he likes to dance? or gymnastics?  What if he doesn't like hockey or want to play a sport?  To me, well I don't care what he wants to do or not do.  Except that hockey is expensive, cold and often really early in the morning!  I really just want him to be happy, and to do what makes him happy. 

Like me.  I'm certainly not traditional.  I'm not married, but I have a child.  I play an online role playing game, and quite enjoy it.  I like comedies and action movies, sci fi and vampire movies.  I do not like romance movies, unless they're funny, and am not that fond of historical dramas.  I've had one serious relationship in my life, and even in that I was the one paying the bills, taking care of things.  I often think if it wasn't for my son I'd have ended up as the "crazy cat lady", though I do have a dog as well. 

So yes, who needs a man?  I need part of him in order to have another child, but not all the drama that goes along with it.  I am a woman!  I can do whatever a man can. Roar!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Oh the bottles!

Jackson loves his bottle.  Seriously.  When I put him to bed and give him a bottle of milk he sighs and says "baba..." in such a loving way!  He loves his milk, if he's fussy or cranky, offer him a bottle and he's fine.  He will carry it around, dangling from his mouth, while playing, talking, running, whatever.  I know it's my fault.  I read the books, I read about not letting the baby fall asleep while nursing.  But it was easy!  So easy, and when you are tired, well easy works. 

So here we are at almost 16 months and my little baby wakes up at least once, if not twice, in the middle of the night and cries.  What he wants is his bottle.  My baby doesn't use a soother, he has a bottle.  And it has me concerned.  How do I get him to give it up?  I mean with a soother, at night, he'd have it in his crib and when he wakes up he'd find it and voila!  But I don't want to leave him with a bottle in his bad all night, so now he wakes up and cries, and I go in and give him his baba.  I used to stay with him, we'd rock and cuddle.  But now, since I'm back at work and need my sleep a little more, I give him the bottle and leave.

I know, I know!  His teeth are all going to rot out of his head, and he'll have speaking and dental issues.  But it's easy.  Between the extra milk, the very full diapers with occasional leaks, and the sometimes having to go fill up another bottle because I didn't take enough up in the cooler bag, well it's not as easy as it was but I think it's still easier than having him upset and crying.  I'm sure he'll grow out of it eventually, even when he's older and I can talk to him about it, then it might be easier.

I googled it of course, to find out if there are nice, friendly ways to get him to give it up.  And I read about kids who are 3 or 5 when they finally gave it up.  One kid was 7!  So I am going to continue as is.  Though I will be switching him to water instead of milk for the overnight bottles, but  probably not until the weekend.  I can always have a nap Saturday and Sunday after all :-)  And if it doesn't go well those days, I'll try again over Easter when I visit my parents, maybe the change of scenery and routine will be enough to do it. 

The things I've learned from all of this?  Soothers aren't the enemy :-)  And letting baby fall asleep while nursing is not the best idea.  What will I do with baby number 2?  Whatever works lol, so yes, I might make the same mistakes again, who knows!  But I won't feel guilty over giving my child something that comforts them.  Talk to me in a few weeks after we visit my parents and my mom goes on about how I gave up my bottle at 6 months... though she also loves to tell the story of how she'd prop a bottle up in the corner of my crib for when I woke up in the middle of the night... So not really sure what the truth of that situation was, but I'm sure she'll have an opinion about my situation.

For now, Jackson will continue to get his baba at bed time, and over night.  And I will continue to smile when he grabs it from me, flops over and sighs... baba... 

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Babies, babies everywhere!

I love being a mommy.  Seriously, it is the best thing I have ever done, the only thing I've ever done that I feel is completely right for me.  I've never had a job where I feel this completely comfortable.  Even when I'm screwing up and doing things wrong, it still all feels right.  So I know I want another baby.  I look back on the past year and it flew by, I feel like I missed everything.  I don't remember when he first rolled over, I don't remember when he first smiled at me, or when he sat up on his own.  It's all a bur, a somewhat sleepless blur lol, but still a pretty incredible blur. 

Timing wise, if I were to get pregnant right now my babies would be two years apart, and I'd have to pay for two daycare spots... so I know I have to wait until at least this winter so there's only the one daycare spot to pay for.  Though I'll have before or after school care as well... I'll deal with that later :-) 

But it's hard!  Two of my facebook friends are pregnant, one is due in early May with a girl and the other in August I think, with a boy.  Then another friend I met online, who had a baby girl the same month as Jackson was born, is very newly pregnant.  And I'm jealous.  All the pregnant women I see at work, I'm jealous of them too.  All the moms who are fans of the same sites on facebook, who have new babies or are about to have babies... them too. 

A bit strange to be jealous of the pregnant mom's, partly because I absolutely hated being pregnant.  It was horrible.  I was sick the whole time, on zantac twice a day, threw up more times than I like to remember, wanted to eat nothing but bacon cheeseburgers... but only those from Wendys since if I had one from anywhere else it made a reappearance.  I could barely walk, hardly breathe because he was up so high.  Couldn't sleep, had to pee all the time, and was totally scared of giving birth.  Having given birth once now, it still terrifies me lol, I know I can do it though so that makes a difference I guess. 

So why do I want to do all that again?  And be older while doing it, and have a toddler to chase around while I'm so exhausted?  I mean I was in bed at 8 most nights, half the time Jackson won't fall asleep by 8.  I guess I really must love being a mom.  The craziest thing... I think I'd like to get a puppy too lol.  I mean I already have two cats and a dog, but a puppy might be fun (and satisfy my baby urges for a little while).