Monday, February 14, 2011

Love life?

I've been a mommy for over a year now, and I've just started to experience a small desire to be in a couple, to have a significant other.  I have absolutely no regrets over my choice to have my son, he's my world and being a mom is the best thing ever.  But I kind of wonder about how I handled things when I was first pregnant.  I was just starting to date a really nice guy when I found out I was pregnant, that my trying had worked.  I never really figured out a way to tell him, to see if it might have worked any way.  And then I had my son and he was my focus for a year.  Now I'm seeing this guy again, at work, for coffee, and wondering how to handle it.  I might like to see if things could go on, if we could manage to make something work.  But how to do that?  I have a son!  I don't have a babysitter! 

I think part of my problem is that I know I want to have more kids, yes kids plural lol.  But I know that on my own, having one more is the most I could handle, and that would be difficult.  If I find a man, fall in love, get married, maybe there's time for another.  But the finding, falling in love stuff could take more time than I have. 

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change my life right now, and most of the time I'm perfectly happy being alone and doing this by myself.  I don't really even get lonely per se.  But there are moments when it's all a bit much, like I need a break, some kind of help, something.  Even having another adult here to talk to would be nice somedays.  It's funny too, if I hadn't gone back to work I'd be perfectly happy with my son and I, but now that I'm exposed to adults and conversations, and this one guy, it's changed. 

The dilemma I have now is whether to explain things to him, to see if I should, or even could, pursue a relationship with him.  Way back two years ago we went out on two dates, and it was nice, I could have liked to go out on more.  We had coffee, an occasional lunch, we chatted in emails.  It was nice.  But I was pregnant.  I didn't know at the time of our first date, I was only a few weeks long, and didn't test until after that date.  By the second one I was 6 weeks along and knew, but wasn't telling anyone.  How do you tell a guy you've gone out with a few times "hey I'm pregnant with my ex's child, he's not involved and I'm doing this on my own, and I'd like to keep dating you, no strings or anything!"

I don't even know who to talk to about this, who to ask for advice.  And I'm the type of person who won't really do anything about it any way.  I'm rather passive about relationships, I simply wait and see, and then nothing happens really.  I know this but can't seem to do anything about it!  I could talk to a friend at work but her husband is this guys best friend, so he'd hear about it I'm sure.  He's not even my "type"!  He's not tall, he's not rough and gruff, he's smart, he's sensible and reliable.  He's French, not that that's bad, just not something I thought I'd like.  He's also quite proper and responsible, and traditional.  I mean the type of guy who is probably waiting until he gets married to "do it".  And here I am, single mom, and I do enjoy sex.  We're not the same type of people.  But I'd really like to see where it goes.

So what to do, I should talk to him.  I should step up and tell him, see where it leads.  At least figure out if there's anything there to pursue so I can stop stressing over it all if there's not.  And if there is something to pursue, then I can figure out how to do that with a baby at home that I don't want to leave.  I know there are a lot of single mom's out there who date, it's possible to do.  Just probably not with such a young kid at home.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday.  And it's been a good day!  Four years ago on my birthday I had a miscarriage, the ones after that were not so good.  And then I had a baby.  Now I look forward to the big day.  It's funny how things can change in a moment.  My birthday went from being a horrible day to one that reminds me of everything I love, and how happy I am.  I have gone through a lot to get my little family, and look forward to adding to it.  My birthday is a reminder that time is ticking along, and I should be doing more to manifest the rest of what I want. 

I believe in the power of thought, that dreams and desires can manifest and become real.  I believe that you need to know what you want, in detail, and picture it to get it.  What I want is a happy family, to me a family has 3 kids.  Considering my current age the next two are not so likely to happen, one I should be able to manage.  I don't believe that things will necessarily just happen, I do think that people have to do something to help things along, you need to act to make things happen.

Which is why I have a plan, a plan to save money to afford to have another baby (or two lol), and a plan to buy a house.  A plan to take my family to Disney at some point, and a plan to retire at 55 and be able to enjoy life.  None of it will be easy, on the contrary I have to stick to a strict budget, and forgo things I might like, but my son will not suffer for it, and we will end up happier than ever because of it all. 

Today is my birthday, I am 36.  My life the past year or so has been wonderful.  I may be tired, I may lack sleep, I may be broke a lot.  But I am happy.  I love my life, being a mommy, having a decent roof over my head, a good enough car.  I may not own my own home, or have a brand new car, I may not wear the nicest clothes, or eat fancy foods.  But I am happy. 

I love that I am a single mom, that it's just me and my son.  I look forward to adding another child to our family.  People probably would find it strange that I have no desire to add a father/husband to the picture.  I know it's not traditional or typical, but it works.  I have always done well on my own, being alone but not lonely.  This is no different.  Today I took my son shopping with me, he was content to sit in his stroller looking around and playing with a toy.  He fell asleep in the car on the way home and I carried him in to bed.  Sure it would have been easier if I could have left him with someone to go shopping on my own, but with him along I am also more likely to stick to budget, he's a reminder of what I want. 

Today is my birthday, and I am happy.