Goodbye 2020

 New year's eve. It feels good that this year is ending. I wish it had gone better. This COVID, lockdown stuff has been difficult. But I am trying to see the good things in it. I have really enjoyed working from home. I will continue with that for as long as possible, if I never have to go back to an office I will be ok with that. Though I'd like to go get my stuff from my desk, I had a really nice pair of boots I left as well as some baby pictures of kiddo, some of his artwork and a fancy travel mug I used for coffee/tea while I was there. Not much else really but still, I'd like to get that stuff. Eventually. 

My goals for this year have been interesting to try and keep. Yelling less, I think I have? I have certainly learned to listen to him more and let him have a bit more freedom in his own schedule. We haven't had regular games nights or anything but we do spend some time together and he is finally putting himself to sleep, though having a hard time getting to bed at night. We will work on that in the new year.

Losing weight, I did lose some over the early summer, it was hard and took a lot of exercise. And when I gave up again it all came back. Of course. My goal for the new year will be to eat keto/low carb and get 2500 steps on the days I work, as well as 10 minutes or more of walking each day. The goal is not the weight loss but to feel better. For my stomach to not be so unhappy, to have more energy. Hopefully, weight loss will come but it isn't the goal. 

The decluttering I did last December has remained, things have moved a bit and the kitchen remains a sore spot, honestly the layout is not the best for us. But the rest of the space on the main floor is good. I haven't done nearly enough to the rest of the house, but I need to now if we will be moving. I do not want to move all this stuff if we don't need to! So stuff needs to go. Sadly donation is difficult with covid around, so I'll have to figure that out and perhaps in a month or two things can be picked up again? 

Certainly, a lot changed in 2020, but not as much as I expected I guess. Jackson isn't in daycare, or school for that matter. My new job did not turn out as well as I had hoped but it's a job and I will continue working to make it better for me. If it doesn't improve though, since I've been there almost a year, I will look for something else. We haven't moved, but I still hope to. By the time we move, I will decide where and to which place. I hope by March 30 to get my back pay so will have enough for first/last, moving expenses and new stuff for the new place. I plan a two month No Buy challenge again, this time we'll stick to it. Nothing other than groceries, pet food and gas for the car, which I don't need a lot of. Jackson will get his allowance but it is all he will have to spend. I hope this will help us save even more for moving, and get Jackson a gaming computer. Though to earn that he has to actually speak to the therapist and the possibility of medication is there as well. 

For 2021, besides my goals for eating and moving my body, and my home, I haven't got much else. I want to focus on my health and my home. Jackson has said he wants to try therapy and perhaps medication for his ADHD so he won't have anger issues. I have an appointment on the 4th to talk to his family doctor and hopefully therapy will follow soon after. I will also bring up medication and see what the doctor's thoughts are on that. For school, I will leave that up to kiddo, if he'd like to continue homeschooling I am ok with that, or if he wants to go to school I will be ok with that as well. We do have a trip planned for December 2021, hopefully we will be vaccinated by then, and I will be ok with him missing two weeks of school for it. If they aren't, well I'm not sure it matters to me. I am quite disillusioned with public school to be honest, I blame them for a lot of Jackson's problems. 

I still feel the two bedroom townhome is the best choice for us, but the three bedroom would be nice. It costs more and I would worry things could be hard financially. It all costs more than here of course, but I am anxious to move. A lot of the problems here I am sure the landlord would solve if I brought it up with him, and some he will have to fix for a new tenant any way (the back deck which is rotting for example). But the space is also not the best for us. The kitchen in particular is not the best for cooking, which is part of why I don't like to cook. It may be silly but I think if we had a nice kitchen with a big island I would be more inclined to actually cook. And cooking would be better for our health. We have been watching some TV together and keep seeing the commercials for meal delivery kits and he asks why we don't get them any more. The short answer is both they are expensive and he has never eaten the actual meals from them. I always have to cook the food differently for him than the recipe calls for. He said he would try meat with sauce on it next time. But I do think we'll wait until we move to try them again. So hopefully April or May. 

Now tonight, steak, broccoli and spaghetti for supper. And tomorrow I cut carbs, again, and stick with it this time. Tomorrow I start walking again, inside or out, 10 minutes a day to start. Tonight we will watch something on TV or a movie and eat chips and chocolate and candy. Tomorrow, I will start cleaning in the basement and the guest room. I have to take down the Christmas tree, but am reluctant to do so, it is so pretty and I don't want to put it away. I am so glad we got a new tree, it is smaller but fits nicely and looks so nice. It will be so empty without it, and all the other stuff. I guess it's like that every year. This year seems different though. We had no family get together, it's been a week since Christmas and it feels strange. Time is always a bit of a blur this time of year, and this year is worse than ever. The whole year has been a blur. Hopefully 2021 will be better. Sometime by April vaccinations should be available for us (or me at least I guess) and this coming summer we will hopefully be able to do more than last year, perhaps go back to the zoo, maybe get to go to Calypso again, and just be happy. 

Merry Christmas!

 Christmas 2020. What a year! We had tuna casserole last night for supper. Jackson's request. It was very good, and there is a bit leftover for lunch tomorrow or his dinner tonight if he doesn't like what I make. Which I hope turns out. 

Jackson didn't get a lot of sleep last night, maybe an hour or two. I didn't sleep much better to be honest, but we were up at 7 and ready to go! He was very happy with the stocking items, and as we opened gifts he liked all of them as well. He got a few science items, a kit to make explosive foam, a microscope and some slides, and a telescope as well. He also got some lego and a ukulele. A few cozy blankets and lots of candy. To be honest, for only being two people in the house, there were a lot of presents! When I commented on that he said it's because he's an only child so he gets spoiled. 

All those presents! And two cats checking it out.

It didn't take all that long to open things up, he was good at handing things out, and getting me to open things as well. It was a fun morning. Now for the less fun part, only because in a normal year we'd be going over to my sister's around 3 for dinner, and meeting family there. But this year of course there is nothing. We will skype with my parents later so Jackson can show off some of his gifts and perhaps play a song on the ukulele. If we can figure out how to tune it. 

I think next year will be less presents, we have a trip planned for right before Christmas on his birthday, and perhaps that will be enough, plus smaller things to open up. Or I'll be pregnant? Maybe? Or in the process of adopting? Or we'll have moved and have to spend more on rent so no money left for presents... We'll see! 

One week to eat a lot of chocolate up before New Year's Eve and 2021, when the healthy eating starts. One week to get the basement cleaned and sorted as much as possible. Starting tomorrow :-)

Christmas Eve

 This year has been a bit much. Everything has just been a lot. I am trying to find some good moments in amongst all the stuff that's happened, and I admit there have been some good things. I love working from home, Jackson and I have gotten along better, the house is neat on the main level and Christmas promises to be lovely. We opened up Christmas PJ's to wear tomorrow while we open gifts, and hopefully they fit us :) The dog got a Christmas sweater, which he doesn't really like. Tomorrow, I hope the boy likes his presents. I'm not sure he will really love them all but I hope so! It will be quiet and just the two of us. We'll video chat my parents later to show off his gifts. 

Finn's Sweater

Yesterday we went to meet them half way, they had picked up some sausages and stuff for kiddo, including a new monitor to replace the one he broke. Hopefully this one will last. On the way there a light came on the dash of my car and it got stiff to turn. So that made for a great present. I got it towed to the dealership where they fixed it up. Mice/rats chewed a wire. Could have been worse, but still cost $500. I'm parked in the driveway until we kill all the mice/rats. Or move, whichever comes first. 

I still want to move. I want to go on cruises, go back to Disney. I want to have another child, or adopt, or something. All of those require money, which I have less of than I would like. And of course I am not getting any younger. And this entire year has been a right off... I wasted it and the time home. I could have done more, but I didn't. I have a few months to get ready, still in lock down. I will use it to my advantage.

I also need to contact our family doctor in the new year and get Jackson to talk to a therapist. He asked for medication, I'm not sure of that but I am at a point where perhaps it is necessary. I think I could also use a therapist so we'll see about that too. Different ones. 

Tomorrow is Christmas. I made Jackson promise not to get me up before 7 for presents. Today he got up at noon. He's been having trouble sleeping and tonight I am sure he'll get very little. He can have a nap after the gifts, unless he wants to play with them all or something. We will have sausages, hashbrowns, bacon and eggs for breakfast. Lots of coffee for me. And I got a porchetta for dinner, we'll have mashed potatoes with it, cauliflower and gravy of course. I'm not sure how to cook the roast but I'll figure it out tomorrow. There will be lots of candy and chocolate (for me) some hot chocolate and marshmallows. And lots of rain, so a green Christmas (no snow!).

Starting on the 26th I need to get in the basement and get cleaning! I may need some more bins, I have bought 6 but not sure it will be enough for the toys and stuff down there. I have 3 to 5 months before I hope to move so need to get things cleaned up and sorted down there asap. I guess since I'm parking in the driveway I can use the garage for some garbage storage. I don't want to move anything more than necessary. I'll take the tree down by the 31st probably. And hopefully it won't take too long to get the basement sorted out. 

It's a Christmas Lockdown

 Our premier announced that starting on Boxing Day we'll be back in lock down for 4 weeks. I do get it, and I have commented that I hope we follow Quebec because so many of them would just come here if we didn't. But oh, it's hard to go back! I mean it doesn't impact me too much I guess, but there will be limitations on some things, even going to the pet store to get the dog's food becomes more difficult. I plan to go to the grocery store tomorrow and get what I need for a few weeks, and we'll see from there. I mean grocery stores will still be open of course, but I'd prefer not to go and stand in line again, especially given it's winter now and cold! We were expecting to have a just us Christmas, which is perhaps why I am so keen to have another child. It feels lonely and like we need more. 

The doctor's office is closed for two weeks, I hope they will do online or telephone appointments when the two weeks are over, I need a new referral for Jackson to a psychologist. I am tired of broken things. He gets so angry and just breaks things, expensive things. He's now without a computer for at least a few weeks. He had broken the screen but got a monitor for his birthday and broke that. So yeah. It's super fun times here. At least Christmas is soon and hopefully some of his gifts will help to fill his time a bit. And this stuff is all why I wonder if having another child would be a something I can handle. He is sometimes more than I can manage. We are given what we can manage but it is hard to manage sometimes. Maybe I need to talk to the therapist too. 

Working on getting his sleep back to normal, he had one good day/night and then last night not so much. I think he was still upset about the broken monitor, but hopefully he will be able to get to sleep tonight eventually. I do hope he comes down to do more than watch youtube on his phone. We had one good day and an ok evening yesterday. After the broken monitor that is. I wonder if a few weeks of no games will make a difference. I doubt it. He still isn't learning how to deal with the anger. I tell him he can get mad but he can't break things or hurt people (including himself). We've tried a lot of things but nothing seems to stick, and he feels it's all "stupid". I don't even know if talking to someone else would even be helpful. If he will even talk to them. He asked the other day if he could just take medication, so we'll discuss that with the doctor as well. I don't know if it will help. Sometimes I wonder if anything will help. But I know he can't go on like this forever, he will have no friends, no one will want to be near him. So something needs to be done. 

Working from home

My office has all been working from home since mid-March. It's been interesting. The IT department has really done a great job getting it so everyone is able to be online and secure. We have some great tools to make it easier to keep in touch with people, and having meetings, video calls and such are going well. I have really been enjoying it. Especially once they gave better time frames, it was a few weeks, then months, and now we know to the end of June. Makes life much easier! 

Yesterday there was a town hall with the top people and one of them said that working from home would be something that could continue even after COVID is over. I was really happy to hear that, and hope to remain in positions that allow that to continue until I retire. If the second in charge of then entire Agency can say she'll never have to drive in a snowstorm again, I think that should apply to me as well. It means that we can live anywhere, honestly anywhere the Agency has an office I think. Not that I can see leaving here except to maybe going a bit further out eventually. It opens possibilities any way.

It also gives me options for schooling. Jackson is homeschooling this year but in September he can go back, or stay home if I can still work from home. It is a nice option to have as well. It means we can do trips whenever, and he's learning what he wants as well as what he should be. It does mean he doesn't get to play with his friends as often, but he is doing that online instead of in person, which is better for COVID any way. His sleep/wake up has been a mess but hopefully is getting back on track now. Even things like lunches are easier since there are things he won't eat at home versus at school. He is learning some cooking skills. And becoming a bit more self sufficient. 

Working from home means being with these guys all day. 

Finn

Kit Kat who is always cold and knows when the furnace comes on

Snickers in back and Elsa in front

Jackson turns 11

 It's my baby's birthday. Today, as when he was born, it's snowing. Unlike the past few years, we haven't been able to have a big party. We did facetime my parents while he opened presents, so that was nice. And we will order in our usual dinner. Normally we'd go there but that isn't really a smart choice. I have ice cream for his special dessert, with sprinkles and a candle. He isn't big on cake so this works. I did buy some mini cupcakes he likes but I think he will enjoy the ice cream more. 

The dog goes to the groomers this afternoon as well, he needs a haircut. Then I'll pick him up later when he's all dry and smells good again. And this morning I went to the big W and spent way too much money, but think I am finally done shopping! I wrapped all the presents when I got home, realized I ordered the wrong Monopoly game, should have checked the packages better when things arrived, but did find the proper one on amazon and will get it Monday. So phew... and we'll keep the other version for a gift for someone if birthday parties ever become a thing again. I took the day off and it was nice. I can't wait to be off for two weeks over the holidays.

We were supposed to be on a cruise ship this week, today we'd be in Grand Cayman and going to the steakhouse for dinner. Maybe next year. Now that one vaccine is approved, I am sure others will follow. I know I'm not at the top of the list to get one, and kids aren't even on the list yet, but hopefully by next fall we'll be able to get them and then be able to travel again. I miss travelling! 

We've been talking a lot about moving. I am hoping by May, but earlier would be better. It depends on what "spring" means in terms of my back pay. March? or later? Who knows, but we'll be getting ready any way. The main floor is still looking good after the decluttering last year, a few hot spots pop up, I have a hard time keeping the kitchen neat, it's just so little counter space, so little storage. But the rest is good. I will work in the basement over the holidays, I plan to spend a couple days, or part of days at least, down there getting as much as possible out of the house. And I have lists of things we want to buy or replace before, or shortly after, we move. I think we'll be staying in Barrhaven, where exactly remains to be seen still. And perhaps it is silly to move, but I want a change I guess. I hope to buy a few of the items I want to replace over the next few months. At least the raises are set to come before the new year, so my pay will go up, thank goodness. 

I wonder sometimes, if I should move ahead with baby 2 plans. My body is against it, but my heart yearns for it. With 11, and more likely 12 years between kids, is it foolish? I mean another 7 years and Jackson is 18, then I could be alone again. But is that what I want? Jackson wants a brother who is only a few years younger than he is. Adoption would be that route, but adoption comes with it's own hurdles, and difficulties. And I worry I wouldn't pass whatever tests they set. Plus I'd have to rely on other people to provide references and such. It's so frustrating a process. But I won't be happy without trying something. Adoption is less expensive, but less sure. 

So I go on with my plans. Though keto fell in the face of my mom's cherry loaf. I am getting back to it, and will continue to try and follow it through the new year, January and February for sure. No more junk food or carbs for me. I will be ready and able to do it. And the cherry loaf is gone so that helps. The decluttering continues, and will escalate shortly. 

Jackson has quite the set up now for his computer, except that his laptop is not powerful enough to be a true gaming system. I did promise him a gaming system once I get my back pay, in the spring. He has everything else he needs for it now though, fancy microphone, webcam, good monitor, gaming keyboard and mouse. I'll get him a good system in the spring, and a bigger desk once we move. If we move. We should move. 

November Ending

 This year is going very fast, and very slow at the same time. I think most people are feeling the same thing. At least it is the Holiday season. Christmas is coming up soon, I'm not at all ready, but I have started at least. I have an idea of what to get everyone who needs to be bought for. Time just seems to be moving fast, Jackson is growing up a lot. Work is the same, day by day. I wish I had more time off but I am trying to save most of it for when things are back to normal and we can travel. I will have two weeks off over Christmas at least, and a day off on Jackson's birthday. My parents are dropping off gifts next week, so I need to wrap what I got for them, and hope it's enough. It's not much this year, shopping was tricky as I didn't want to go out much to do it. I need to get a few more things for Jackson, his birthday is covered but I feel like I haven't gotten him enough for Christmas yet. I'll work on that after his birthday. A lot of smaller things this year, no one big gift. I know he wants a gaming PC but there is no way I'm spending that much on one thing this year! I promised him one when I get my back pay in May-ish. When we will also hopefully be moving. 

Everything feels very stuck, stuck in waiting mode. I am waiting for this or that before moving forward. It's hard, hard because of covid, and not being able to see family or friends, but also hard because I want so many things and I feel like I have wasted so much time already. I've been trying to do what I can, the Christmas ornaments are mostly sorted and some are gone. I need to work on the basement more, it's become a dumping ground for stuff. Yet I also worry about getting rid of all the baby stuff when I want another one. But I can always replace things I guess. I don't want to pay to move things we don't need. Starting in January we'll be saving more money, which will be hardest on kiddo, he is not used to being denied. He's already pushing me for things he wants and I say it's too close to his birthday/Christmas and we don't have extra money for that now, he gets very mad. His allowance is never enough. 

I've been eating keto for almost a week now. I feel good about it. My stomach is a lot happier after the first day or so. Keeping it up will be tricky for the next week or so, I plan to cheat on Christmas for dinner, maybe. After that it should be smoother sailing. At least I hope so! While I hope it will let me lose some weight, it is also so I feel better, which I normally do when I stick to it. I just have to stick to it. 

I have no trips planned for 2021. Obviously we don't know when vaccines or anything will be happening so I haven't got any travel plans. We have a cruise booked for 2022, which has been changed apparently, without notifying me. I am not sure how I feel about the new changes, the ship and itinerary have changed, even the dates. We'll see. Perhaps they will offer something eventually. And if I were to decide to do something about having another baby I may not be able to go any way. We also have a cruise booked for 2023, and those I am really looking forward to. With a baby or not. 

I still want to hold a baby in my arms, even if it means being pregnant and giving birth, and being broke for ages. Jackson said he doesn't want a baby brother (he insists it will be a boy no matter what) who is that much younger than him, but he also kind of wants a brother. He's be happier if we adopt, but I'm not sure I can go through all of that. Though it might cost less, it is so much extra work and invasive. Plus, I wouldn't get a baby. Though given my health and reproductive status I'm not sure a baby is possible any way. Whether I can afford it or not. In any case, my priorities now are staying keto, decluttering the house, and moving. 

Why move though? Our place is decent, I am sure the landlord would fix the things that are problems if needed. I just don't care of having yard work, and shoveling, and would like a change, new start. Perhaps a place that's a bit more updated, easier to clean, with new schools to choose from. Should he go back to school. Close enough to work that I can go if I have to. Though I do hope I'll be able to continue working from home indefinitely. The places I am looking at are probably smaller than this place, two people don't need so much space. Even if I have a baby, there should be a way to do that. Some of them have 3 bedrooms, similar to this place but a different, more open, layout, and better finishes. Perhaps no finished basement, but I don't think that will be a problem. They probably all cost more than here though. But not by much. 

Jackson needs better friends. The only kids he is still in touch with, he plays on line with and one of them is just not a nice kid. The other one is ok except for the influence of the other. And the boy who lived down the street, moved. Far. It's harder since he's not going to school. But he always had difficulties with friends. I am hoping we'll be able to figure something out if we move, perhaps he will meet other kids, even if I put him in school for a year or whatever, so he can make friends. I'll figure it out. I know if we stay here and he goes to the high school with all those kids, he'll never branch out to the other kids. And he needs better friends. 

November is almost done for another year. One more month to go! Then finally 2020 is over. Apparently the vaccines should be available and distributed by September next year. I will remain hopeful that it actually happens like that. Perhaps I'd plan a last minute trip for Disney or something. Or get pregnant. Who knows! 

It's Beginning to Look Like Winter

 Snow is falling. We put up the tree, I decorated most of it, he helped a bit. It's boring I guess! I have put on all the ornaments that I really like, but it looks plain. I am wondering how much more I should put on there! And which colours. We have some assorted colours as well as some pink and purple ones. Hopefully the cats will leave it standing for 5 or 6 more weeks I guess. The new tree is a nice size at least, and the lights are fun, they can do different things but I have them on multi coloured. I'll have to get rid of whatever ornaments we don't really need any more. We do have too many! 

The snow may need to be shoveled tomorrow, we'll see. It is really coming down. I guess winter has decided to settle in! I still need to get Jackson new boots. It's easier to forget these things when we don't go out much. I'll order some this week and hope they fit him. I ordered a new snow coat, but still need to find snowpants. I am not sure how much he will play outside this winter any way, his friend down the street has moved away. Hopefully we'll still be able to go out and play, but he will be missing out on his recess friends. Of course with rates going up who knows how much longer schools will be open, even if he was going. 

I was reading back over my blog, for the past 9 years I've been wanting to give Jackson a sibling. Nine years! Why didn't I do something sooner? A message to anyone who reading who is thinking, do try! Go for it. Take a leap and don't wait for things to be perfect. With the shut downs going on, and my sad bank account, I am focusing on getting my health (weight) in better shape and saving up. I will be doing a no spend challenge in January/February, no eating out, nothing other than groceries, gas for the car and pet supplies. I will give Jackson his allowance of course, he'll get mad if he doesn't get it. But otherwise, nothing extra. Except my birthday, I will order dinner that night, I don't want to cook on my birthday! 

Hopefully I will be ready to do something in May, when I expect to get my back pay, possibly move, and have enough saved. I believe, because I am old and my eggs are dead, I will need to be on hormones for a few months to bring my cycle back and then I should be good to go. I may need to go back on synthroid, so by March or so I will talk to my doctor to get that going. Until then I am going to try and enjoy things as they are, and get ready. 

Kittens and puppies

 I think I have always had a pet of some sort. As long as I can remember I have had a dog or a cat, usually a cat. At least one. I am more of a cat person but have also had dogs, currently have one and three cats. I sometimes think we have too many but then I actually want more. Just how I want more babies. It seems every time the urge to grow my family has hit I have gotten another pet. 

I have been watching an awful lot of Christmas romances, and romantic comedies. It is kind of funny because while I think the romance part is sweet, and of course so contrived, it is the ones with babies that make me happy. I watched a show where a 3 week old baby is left on a door step and oh my but my heart sang for that. I wonder if this will ever go away. I mean my body is done with it, at only 45 I am menopausal. Only 45? I don't feel like I am old. Though I do also feel like my body is old. I don't take very good care of myself I guess. My arm has been aching and my knees/hips often ache as well. I don't move enough, and certainly eat too much. Whether that is eating my feelings, boredom or what, who knows. 

Shortly after I had Jackson, I knew I wanted another one. But thought it shouldn't be done. A single mom having more babies? Who does that? Lots of mom's apparently. But I worried about money, and cost. Funny thing is it would have cost me a couple thousand, if that, to do an IUI or two or three. And now, here I am wanting it still, and knowing it will cost me much more. By the time I could afford it now, I'd probably be over the age limits for all the clinics. And what would my family say? Could I even still ask my sister to be a guardian when she is even older than I am? What would Jackson do? He's been an only child for a long time, and he likes all the attention. A baby would be hard, I'd be tired, they need a lot, they are expensive. But oh my heart aches. And I wish I had done something more at 41 when I went to the clinic. 

The thing is, if we hadn't done the trips we have gone on, I'd have had the money and more. Those trips were rather amazing though and we enjoyed them all so much. I want to do more! How could I do that with a baby? I'd not want to go on a cruise until that baby is 2 at least, and Disney would be hard. Jackson loves the coasters but babies can't go on them. It wouldn't be fair for him to have to be alone on them all. 

I considered adoption but that process is long and difficult, and I am just not sure I can do it. Or how Jackson would handle it. It could cost a lot less, even be free. As much as I didn't like being pregnant, or giving birth, I did love having a baby. Even though I have so many moments when I think I am terrible at being a mom, I know most mom's feel that way at times too. And honestly, Jackson is a lot but he is a good kid and doing so much better without the pressure and school stuff. 

So again, I'm cleaning up the house, getting rid of a lot of stuff and better organizing what remains. Also, trying to move more and eat better. I bought so many veggies and fruits. I can't decide between keto which I know works and makes me feel so good but is so hard to stick to, and weight watchers, which allows me to eat whatever I want but I hardly lose anything on, and is so easy to cheat with. As winter is descending on us, cooler weather rolling in, winter parking bans possible, and just wanting to not be a complete sloth, I have to pick one. And stop ordering so many meals. As yummy as they are. 

I have a hard time falling asleep. I wonder sometimes if my routine of sitting with kiddo while he fell asleep had an impact on my own sleep. I toss and turn for an hour or more every night, even when I stay up late to try and be more tired. Is that the menopause? Probably not entirely. Though I blame that for the fact I am hot at night so much. Maybe if I exercise more? Do yoga? Something? I had a month or two over summer where I was doing so well, and then it fell apart. Maybe that would help my sleep? 

Now, I just have to avoid getting another kitten. And stick to my plans. For once.  

November

 A new month. So far, we've had snow followed by a week of high teens (Celsius). Weather is messed up but I am glad the snow is gone. It did remind me I need to get boots for Jackson. Normally I'd remember because of school but with him not going, it hasn't been on my mind. I think he'll need new snow pants as well, because I bet he will want to do something outside this winter. I have already started Christmas shopping as well, and since I get paid this week I'll do a little more towards that. We got a new tree, bought on Halloween, and I want to pare down the ornaments so we only keep one bin of stuff. The more I can get rid of, the better! Perhaps I will move in spring, or maybe not, who knows. 

Of course, as with the rest of the world, we watched the election results from the states. It was fascinating to watch, and lead to many interesting conversations. Comparing the way an election happens in the US to Canada. I'd call that a really good social studies lesson. With the results, I do feel a bit more hopeful we will be able to travel to Disney again someday. Not sure when, still have to watch covid cases come down, and the border to open, but someday. 

Unschool has been going ok. He is learning, which is always good to see. I wish it was more of what I think is important but that isn't really the point of this so we will keep going. Not sure what will happen next year, I don't think he'll want to go. And I am also not sure where we will be living. 

I have choices to make, so many things I want and wish for, not enough time and money for all of them. I seem to be terrible at making a choice and sticking to it! Follow through. Perhaps I have a bit of ADHD myself... I am trying to focus on the things that don't require a choice, that could lead in any of a number of directions. So, declutter more, get rid of some more stuff. Including the basement. I also need to get back on track with eating healthier and moving more. I have been very lazy lately. I did walk the dog a bit this weekend with the nice weather, but I fell off the exercise wagon hard. I need to start back on my walking, even 20 minutes a day would be good. I know I can do it. 

Cleaning up, getting rid of things, can be helpful if we decide to move, or stay, or add to the family. That's why it's important to me right now. I have maintained about 90% of what I did last year with the declutter lady. Some things are messy again, but it would be easy to tidy up if people were coming over. However I have not made any further progress really. Though I did do a bit of work upstairs in the guest room, mostly because kiddo wanted to put his computer in there. Which lasted about a month. 

My own health, well that is important regardless of what I want to do in the future, if we want to travel I will be fit and better able to do more. If we want to add to the family, I'll be in better shape to do that. If we just want to be more active, I'll be able to do that. Though I still don't like sports. I'll be buying more groceries this week, healthy things that will hopefully lead to healthy meals and not ordering in. I still don't like cooking. 

Less than two months to the end of this weird year. I wonder what 2021 will hold? hopefully calm and health. 

Another month is almost over!

 Time is a strange thing this year. It goes super fast at times, yet seems to be moving like a snail. I'm sure it's a covid side effect. With restrictions coming and going, school not happening really, and work the same, day after day. I am trying to stay positive, sometimes it's really hard. I know that when winter arrives it is going to get even harder. At least now we can go for walks, enjoy some sunshine. Once the snow starts, it will be harder to get out, at least for me. I haven't been that great about getting out for walks this past week. I have, what I hope, is a cold. I have no idea where I caught it, but I was exhausted for a couple days and Jackson had to fall asleep on his own. First time since he was about 3 or 4 he's done that. He was really good at it up until he started school. Then I had to sit with him until he fell sleep every night. Which has now been going on for so many years I've lost track. Now, finally, he's going to sleep on his own. Which means I can go to bed when I am tired! I don't have to wait for him to feel sleepy. He can stay up and watch his videos or whatever and I can be asleep. Its a game changer. He is a night owl, through and through. I am not, not when I have to be at work at 7. He had a rough few nights at first, staying up until 2 or 4, and sleeping until 11 or whenever. But he's back on schedule now. Last night he was asleep just after 11. Still feels late to me, but for a weekend, its ok.

He has been doing some math work, and realizing it isn't as bad as he thought it would be. He knew how to do the problems so he was happy about that. It only takes 10 or 15 minutes a day and he is learning a lot of other stuff as well. On his own. I would like him to do some reading comprehension as well, but we'll see if he's game for that tomorrow. I am not too worried about it, which perhaps isn't a very mothery thing to say, but I know he will learn what he needs to learn. 

One thing I am trying to cling to in all of this, I love being able to work from home. Though I do not care for my current job, I know opportunities will come up eventually should I want to seek them. And the ability to be home is amazing. Not having to drive to work, deal with people, winter driving, pay for parking, all of that is awesome. I have a space set up, finally, and can shut it all off at the end of the day. I am not sure where we will fit in the Christmas tree this year but I am sure we will manage something. I do still need to declutter the basement so maybe some of the toys can go down there, even if only for December. I do think we'll need a new tree this year. I'd love to get a smaller one, or perhaps a narrow one? Not sure, but the one we have is older than kiddo and the cats have destroyed a few branches from sleeping in it. I am sure they'll do that to another one as well, but perhaps if it is narrow we'll manage to keep it up and not broken. 

Kiddo will be 11 soon. Hard to imagine. I so regret not trying to give him a sibling way back when. I had chances but always thought this one thing would have to be perfect first, either my weight, or buying a house instead of renting. Whatever it was, I missed my chances. I am out of luck now it seems, apparently my family goes through menopause early so I'd have to spend a small fortune on the chance. And it sucks because if I had done this when he was 2 or 3, or even 6 or 7, I would have had to spend a little bit. I think we would have a better time of it now if we had another person around. He would certainly be a great big brother, he can be super caring and thoughtful. His temper tends to get in the way of things a lot. But even that is getting a bit better to deal with. Given the money I'd need to do donor eggs it would take at least another year, and after that, a year before a baby, and so kiddo would be 13. That's a really big age gap. And means a baby would be 8 to 10 when I am able to retire. Would that be good? Maybe. But I'd also have spent a lot of money so close to when I want to retire, which wouldn't be good. Though I also have a really good pension plan so does it really matter? Having to pay for a child with only pension income might be hard. But I could also do some consultant work, a lot of people that retire from my employer do that after. Lots to consider. But either way, I need the money to do it. Which I could have next year as I'll be getting a bunch of back pay. So yeah. I could maybe do it? 6-ish months to decide I guess. 

Happy Thanksgiving 2020

 What a different year this is. Normally we'd head to my sister's for dinner, or possibly my parent's. But this year, we are home. And since a big ole turkey dinner is way too much for us, when Jackson doesn't really like any of it, we will have a chicken with some gravy and he can have pasta or rice with his. Should still be yummy, but different from regular years. We did go visit my parents on Friday, before restrictions here locked up again. Considering neither kiddo nor I have been out of the house much in the past few weeks, it did feel quite safe. We won't see my sister and her family though, they are spending a lot of time up at their cottage (well brother in law and niece any way, my sister doesn't go). I think that's actually against the new rules, but I'm not going to cause them a problem over it. Just keep our distance really. 

Halloween promises to be another strange holiday, I have promised to buy lots of candy and we'll just stay home. He hasn't really got any friends to go trick or treating with at this point any way. Which is strange and interesting. He has always felt like he'll never make friends, yet he has never really had any good ones. I have suggested we could move, perhaps to a smaller town just outside Ottawa, and have a lower cost of living, more space. And he'd make new friends, though that would require him going to school. Another thing to think on any way. As long as I am close enough to go in some days to the office, eventually. I will be pushing to work from home as much as possible. At least until Jackson is a bit older, or back in school full time. I am looking at a few places, they are closer to my parents. But still rentals. And then I'm not sure if its "worth it" to move. Perhaps we should wait a bit longer, another year or whatever. Maybe someday I can buy a place, though to be honest, if I just wait until I'm retired, and he's moved out, I can get a smaller condo type place maybe? Or an RV and just drive south when it's cold. 

We watched all the Harry Potter movies, which he enjoyed. And have led to an increased desire to visit Universal Studios. Maybe in a year, or two. Probably a combo trip with our Favourite Disney. There are some new rides coming there and it is our happy place for sure. We already have two cruises booked for 2022 and 2023 so will have to fit it around those, and if we do more trips, we won't be moving any time soon! We still have to watch the Fantastic Beasts movies, but those should be coming out soon for us to watch. 

After Halloween it will be the count down to winter and Christmas. I have already told him there won't be a big birthday party this year, but that means I'll get him a proper gift instead of paying for an expensive party. We will go to my parent's to celebrate and maybe see Auntie and her family. When asked what he wants, he doesn't know besides a gaming computer. But apparently my dad may be upgrading his computer and then giving his to kiddo... that one does play the games he likes better and I think we could maybe upgrade the graphics card to help with lag as well. Then the laptop goes to my mom, or someone. 

At some point we should go for a walk in the woods to see the pretty fall colours. The weather has just been so rainy lately that I'm sure it's pure mud on all the trails. It would be nice to be out in the fresh air and enjoy some nature. The trails nearby are ok but not really nature trails at all. I am not sure Gatineau that is possible, Quebec's rates are as bad or worse than Ottawa so I don't really want to risk it. There are some trails near here, I'm not sure how busy they are, I imagine when the weather is nice they will be very busy though. 

Other than having to go for dog food next week, I should need much of anything grocery wise for at least a few weeks. That is nice, and hopefully means we won't have to head out to any stores. I'll need cat food too but that I get delivered as it's cheaper. Avoid going out much is key. Eventually things will improve again, I hope. Eventually, things will return to a more normal state, though I doubt they will ever be what they were. Some pieces of this lock down and isolation will probably continue, work from home would be great to keep going, but it would be nice to travel again. I can live with masks, if we have to, though they can be a pain at times. 

I've been reading some online, people who are all upset because of the lockdowns, and they raise some good points, that it is destroying people in poor areas, in other countries that have relied on tourism and not for profits. I see it, but I also see this disease that we know so little about, we don't know the long term impacts of people having this disease. Maybe the death rate isn't super high, but there are more and more people who are having serious long term impacts from it. People who recover, who don't have the virus any more, but are having issues with lungs, lethargy, blood clotting issues, so many health problems. And with things running rampant south of the border, I am all for keeping that closed until they get it together. The problem of course is we can't open travel to over seas without opening to the US, so we are stuck. Keep the 2 week isolation until things can be kept safer, until there is better tracking of contacts. 

I do know people who have had problems because of this lock down, because things were closed for so long. So many businesses that have closed. I am thankful that the government is at least doing something to help, that there are benefits being brought in to help people make a living wage. I hope these types of things continue, this is how Canada's universal health care started, this is how we need to continue. Yes, we pay a lot of taxes because of these things but it seems worth it to me. I don't have to worry that if I get sick, I will have a massive bill to pay because of it. When I had my gallbladder problems I didn't have to worry about my hospital stay or the surgery, it was all covered. Any way. All interesting stuff to think about. 

Autumn 2020

 It's hard to believe it's Fall already. Autumn sounds so much prettier, but still, this year has been flying by. Which is weird since it has been a year of not doing a whole lot of anything. Heck, we hardly leave home any more. The city is in a second wave, since schools opened up there have been a lot more cases nearby, and getting tested is actually really difficult. I am glad I pulled kiddo out, my stress is a lot less, as is his. He has one friend from school he has been seeing a lot. He is there at the moment actually. I'll go get him in an hour or so. He hasn't been getting enough sleep the past few nights. One of his friends sent a message at 4 AM to all of his friends wondering if anyone was awake and it woke kiddo up. He has a hard time getting back to sleep ever so that was not good. He did eventually but it left him tired. This morning he woke up rather early, threw up, went back to sleep and got up at 11, which is unheard of. The sleep and then some food really helped. 

I have no idea what we are going to do this winter. I had planned to move us to some (expensive) rental townhomes near us but since he isn't in school, do we have to stay around here? Could we move further out? Find something bigger or whatever? I'm not sure. I will probably wait until I get my back pay. We are still voting on the contract so once that is done, it could be 6 months before we get the money. Such a long time, hopefully by spring I guess! So winter, will be here, and we'll have to shovel again. But, I won't have to drive him to school or me to work. So we don't have to do it first thing or whatever, it can take time to do, we can relax a little bit about it. As long as I get the garage cleaned up over the next couple weeks so I can park in there again. 

It is strange to me that my province is locking down again while some places in the states are getting more lax. I am not sure why, and I guess it doesn't matter too much. We will follow the rules and do our part to curb the spread. We will get flu shots (don't usually do that) and not travel (I wish we could go somewhere warm this winter!). Maybe in another year, or 18 months, or even 2 years, we will be able to travel again. We'll be ready! 

For our epic unschool, kiddo has been playing some video games, watching videos and we have been reading a couple books together. We also started watching the Harry Potter movies. He actually quite enjoyed the first two, and asked a lot of questions, but also figured a lot of the twists and turns out before they were revealed. He is observant and a smart kid. I have a few books for worksheets if he is interested. I plan to focus on his self esteem, a growth mindset, and just his general mental health over the next year, rather than focusing on his learning. I think it will be better for him long term to know how to handle anxiety, stress, and feel good about himself. It isn't always easy though. I can only do nerf battles and games like that for so long. I wish he'd rather play cards or something. Oh well. At least he still has one friend to play with, and hopefully we'll figure out something to do this winter. 

Epic Unschool

 It's official. I sent in a letter to the board and school to let them know I am withdrawing him from public school. I haven't heard back yet, I assume I will sooner or later. They can say what they please but I will be firm in my decision. Honestly, if this had been more of an option sooner I would have done it years ago. I was frustrated with the school since he was in grade 3 and then 4, even going back to grade 2 when I don't feel he really learned a whole lot. He has been seen as a troublemaker for standing up to the teachers and principal, which they don't like. He won't let people get away with things, even me. It is sometimes a struggle but I am learning to let it go. He is stubborn and getting to an age where these things are easier for him to manage on his own. If he doesn't want to participate then he doesn't have to. But I will also be able to do some of the things I want to do. He is old enough to be home alone for short periods, and soon for longer ones. 

Now we start with deschooling, though that is pretty much what we have been doing since March any way. We will continue with a lot of free time for him, he can let me know when he wants to learn something or has questions. I will leave some things around to help entice him to learn a few things, but it is going to be up to him. I have picked up a couple work books for helping kids with anxiety, adhd and have one on my list for a growth mindset. That is my focus for this year. Jackson is very down on himself and negative about things in general so I want to help with that. Hopefully I can manage, he refuses to speak to anyone so a therapist is not an option. 

This is going to be quite the journey I think. I feel good about it, though I am a little bit sad I will be losing out on all that alone time from when he's in school. Hopefully we can find him some activity to sign up for, I am pushing for swimming or a martial art. I think something active would be great and both of those are easy to socially distance but still hopefully he will also make some friends. I have signed up for a few facebook groups on homeschooling, unschooling, locally, provincially and world wide. Since we are stuck at home a lot, it becomes harder to meet new people.

He was playing with a friend most of last week but hasn't heard from him this weekend at all. Which has led to less activity. We have played with his nerf guns. That was a lot of running up and down the stairs! He had fun, me, less so. I am sure he'll make me do it again this evening. Tomorrow I do have to work so I am not sure what he will do. Like last week he will probably just watch videos and play Roblox and Minecraft. Hopefully his friend will be available at some point! 

I finally moved our December cruise, the pay in full date was approaching and I called to check my options. I was able to move it to April 2023, so hopefully by then we'll be able to travel! No extra fees which is great. Now we have 2 week cruises booked for Jan/Feb 2022 and April 2023. That's plenty of time for this thing to blow over a bit and hopefully get back to a more normal life. Even if it means an annual vaccine or wearing masks indoors a lot. I just want to be able to continue working from home, and we can figure out the rest from there. 

Back to... not school

 Well, we are not off to a great start. So far Jackson has gone to 3 days of classes. Then he got a "headache". Which is code for "anxiety over going to school". So he's been home, I spoke with the principal and she has put him on the wait list for online school. His homeroom teacher has been amazing and is sending me daily emails with what they covered and where to find it in the online portal for the kids. So then we sit and try to do it. Not really well. I am just at my wit's end and want to just say screw it, who needs school! Well we do I guess, need to learn stuff. But there has to be a better way than this. It's been a struggle, most notably since grade 4. The last options we have are to switch from immersion (question is with the principal but I am doubtful as I think the classes are pretty full), try the online (if we get in at the end of the month, make do with what the teacher is sending for now. 

After all of this, we will probably be doing straight up home schooling. I have been looking at curriculum's and various ways to do it. I think we can do a hybrid of various types of learning. My focus is on math at the moment, he has fallen very far behind when he used to be way ahead. It frustrates me, the school itself does. The principal from last few years was not the best fit as far as I am concerned. The new one so far seems really good. It is irritating that things like this just get overlooked or he's made to feel like he is bad for things that he can't control or that they don't understand or listen to the story of. Other than math I think the rest we can do through various methods, trying to get him to read on his own (for fun) and learn while he's at it. There will have to be some limits, but I am happy to follow his lead in what he wants to learn. 

Now we wait and see, does he get into the other class or does he get into the online school? Or do we just pull him completely from the school for a year, or 3. Today he did a bit of the work that was required, I've made space at my work desk so that he can work right beside me while I am working, I think it will let us work together and he'll know I am right there to help. Hopefully that will be a good thing. He even helped me clean up the folding chair from the basement to use for now. 

Now I'm off to keep researching curriculum options and figure out the best way to move forward. A few books, a few ideas, and some websites to try. There is a monthly subscription for Canadian Geography and History, it sounds really cool and I want to try it out. I am not sure if it is for much younger kids, but either way, I think it's a good start! With the math I already have and hopefully an online version that looks cool. Add in some books he'll maybe try to read. Voila, we're good for now! 

School Begins - Grade 6

 Well. That was a day. School is finally started back up, it's been about 6 months since he was last in school, and he certainly didn't do any work while he was off. He is in immersion, and now hates French. That is partly because none of the friends he plays with are in his class. He does like the teachers he has, and I think he will enjoy the 3 days of gym, mostly outside. He does actually have a few friends in his class, just not the ones he kept in touch with over the summer. He says he had sort of fun. He wants to switch to non-immersion, which I don't think is an option. And says he wishes he had chosen to do the at home online school. That we can't change to until 2 months in I believe. 

Then there is my worry. I believe that in the next week or two we will run into trouble, something will happen, he will get in trouble or a fight or whatever and I will say screw it and pull him out to homeschool. If I am honest, I want to do it now any way. If I follow my intuition, he would not be going to school right now. It is an adjustment though, either way. I have been burying my intuition for years, struggling to do what we are supposed to do instead of what I feel is right. At some point, I need to get back to what I believe. I do have some worries, what if he decides he wants to go back to school? Will it be a problem to put him back in if we have followed a more unschooling rhythm and not done a curriculum. 

I think we need to focus more on his emotional intelligence than anything else. He needs to learn a growth mindset, to see the positive in things and to know that he has to sometimes work for things. I want him to be able to play, have fun, be outside, and enjoy being a kid. There are so many positives to pulling him out and doing things at home. The only negatives are him being able to play with friends, and I think he will be able to do that after school or with a few select friends who are homeschooling as well. Perhaps we can meet a new group of kids. He gets shy but he also needs more confidence and that is something we'll be working on. If this was a normal year, I would look at putting him into some kind of day time lessons, swimming, martial arts, whatever. If he was willing to do something online there are a few classes he might like, even just hour long webinars. We'll get there though. 

I am back at work tomorrow, and not really looking forward to it. I need to work on finding a new job for myself as well, something I don't dread. There are options, they are just harder to find right now. But still possible. I will do this, and he will learn what he needs to learn, and we will move forward. 

Last Week of Summer

 Jackson is back to school next week on Wednesday. We have finally gotten more details, I know who his teachers are at least. I am not sure how many kids will be in his class, I am hoping it's not too many but based on the picture I saw of his classroom set up I am a bit worried. We will see. I am going to try and give it two full weeks before we change anything up. Hopefully it all goes well and he does great. His teacher is new to the school which is hopeful. She won't know him from the past so he should have a clean slate. 

We spent the past week very busy. Sunday he went fishing with a friend, he didn't catch anything, threw a couple fits, swears he will never fish again, and that was it. Monday we went over to Gatineau to swim since the beaches on the Ontario side are closed. It was cold but fun, we played with a ball in the water, he swam, it was fine. Tuesday we went on a boat tour of the Thousand Islands, he really enjoyed that, even though we didn't get to sit up on the top deck and had to wear masks the whole time. It was great weather. We went to dinner with a friend from work I haven't seen since March, it was nice, though got a bit chilly. The food wasn't great, but it was still nice. 

Wednesday we went to my parents and dropped the dog off for them to watch. I think they enjoyed having him as they are dog people and haven't had one for awhile. We stayed for dinner and it was a nice little break. Then the big day came. Thursday. We drove to Toronto to the zoo. Wow, I do not like driving on big roads like that! It was a bit stressful, but we made it and had a great time at the zoo. It was a lot of walking, so many hills! Jackson really enjoyed it and thanked me many times for taking him there. 

Jackson took a lot of photos, he did a really good job at them. We ate lunch before we arrived since we had a 12:45 time to check in. It was busier than I would have liked and many people did not seem to know how to follow the arrows or stay 6 feet apart, we wore masks for certain parts. But it was a lot of fun. We stayed at a hotel that night, mostly because it was a 4 hour drive and I didn't want to drive in the dark. That's why the dog stayed with my parents. We had a rough sleep at the hotel. Apparently I was snoring and woke him up, he couldn't get back to sleep and watched his phone for a few hours before finally turning it off to try and sleep more. At one point he cried because he missed the cat so much. I wasn't very helpful I'm afraid, I was worried because I knew if I didn't at least get a decent rest I would be terrible on the road and didn't want to get into an accident. He did finally listen and just lay down and try to sleep. Funny thing was I had a hard time falling asleep because he was snoring. I think it's allergy season.

Friday we drove back to my parents to get the dog. We stopped at the big apple on the 401 and then a bit later for lunch and to put gas in the car. All in all, it was a lot of driving over the week, I don't want to go anywhere for awhile and I much prefer the vacations we take where I don't have to dive at all! But my car is lovely and at least it was easy to drive. 

Now we have a few days to fill, today being a quiet one though he is in a mood again. Apparently the cat scratched him this morning and he's been holding a grudge all day long. I don't know how to help him deal with things like this, he just holds onto hurt feelings and anger until it bursts from him and gets directed at everyone and everything around him. It's the one thing I wish I could help him with. His self confidence and self esteem have been rough since grade 2 as well, so these are the things I want to help him with. I am just not sure how to do more than I am when he refuses to participate. I am really trying to notice every time he does anything "good" and praise him for it. I try and talk to him about being thankful for what we have and how I want to share experiences and travel with him more than things. Sometimes he gets it, and other times he just explodes. It has been better the past few weeks, his explosions are fewer, maybe one a day instead of multiple times, and I hope school doesn't derail those efforts. I wish we could find a better group of friends, kids who like the same things as him, shared interests. He sometimes takes up the interests of others because they go on about it. Then he regrets it. Another thing we are working on. 

Summer is pretty much over, school starts soon. I wonder what the fall and winter will hold. Will we be able to travel. Will we be able to move. Will we be healthy. 

This year

 I know there are a lot of jokes and memes floating around about 2020, I mean this year has been so crazy. Usually, I am ok with it all. I mean I have a bit of worry about what we'd do if I got sick, or if he did, and in the beginning about how expensive everything suddenly became, but we made it through that part and are somewhat settled. I try and see the good parts, I love being able to work from home, and I think it's been good for him to be not in school for a little while. But then, something will trigger this overwhelming "ugh" moment for me and I will feel like crying about the whole situation. I miss the things we should have been doing this summer, he was supposed to be trying out new summer camps, we were supposed to have season passes for the local water park. Now, we've gone to the beach once, and will be going to a museum this week but otherwise we haven't really gone anywhere or done much. I feel badly that I haven't been able to do as much as we did last year, we haven't been able to go swimming or to the beach we like (it's closed this summer any way) and even little day trips haven't happened because of so many restrictions.

This virus, it scares me, and it amazes me how quickly the world has changed. I feel resentful that I can't do things I want to do, that we can't plan trips for this winter, and we can't even just decide to go swimming and play at the pools. I am sad that things have changed in so many ways, and scared about what school holds for this fall. At least in that regard I am (so far) satisfied with my decision to send him, the board has about 25% of kids that won't be going to class so I am hoping his group will be smaller. I hope that we will feel like it's safe, and not want to pull him back to online. If I'm honest, we could use a little break from one another. It's been a long 6 months of just us, with a few breaks where he has spent a night at my parent's. He is going for 3 nights this weekend and is already worrying about it. I am looking forward to it, as much as I love my kiddo, I am an introvert by nature and look forward to alone time. 

He's been staying up late, we go to bed at the same time so I don't get time then. During the week, I get up first but I have to work, so it isn't like I can just watch something fun for me. I do get some time after dinner sometimes (like today) when he's either playing online with friends or going to the park with them. I prefer when he goes to the park, but I'll take either option. Weekends, I am probably up after him. I feel like I have not been getting enough sleep at all. I think once school starts, he'll be going to bed earlier. I hope so. 

Once school is sorted, or at least started, I will have to consider work. I am not happy with my job, the work itself that I currently have is irritating to me, it is not something I enjoy and not what I want to be doing. I will have to find a way to get a new position, without being able to just go walk up to people I know and chat with them. I'm sure I can do it, I really want to get back to projects, I prefer it a lot. I am also good at it, good at writing for projects. I just hope I can find something. 

I am feeling down this evening, probably tired from a long night, he woke up with a bad dream and I had to sit with him for about 2 hours in the middle of the night. So I'm tired. Doesn't help the situation. I am also wondering about travelling. We miss it, we went to Disney last summer and it was so nice. I can't wait to go back, but not until the mess is over in the US. I also want to cruise, but don't see that happening. I am wondering if it will be at all possible to go to an all inclusive, we never have, and winter is going to be long. But we won't go if it isn't safe of course. And if we do go, it will have to be somewhere with a lot to do for him. But then too, a trip may mean we can't move.

And speaking of the moving, I keep thinking we should stay here another two years, save enough to buy something. Something small. Instead of renting. I don't know. Buying will be very expensive, prices have gone up so much in only a few years, two more years could be difficult. But I'd have my debts paid off by then and hopefully enough for a down payment. But buying comes with so much responsibility, and having to maintain things. I'm sure we can find something that isn't too much work. 

Mid-August update

 Hard to believe summer is winding down and it's almost fall! We haven't done much this summer, it's hard with all the restrictions but we are trying. He has been getting out with friends, to the park and such, and now that his splint is off he's able to get back to the monkey bars and everything. Today we wanted to hit a beach. We tried one in Ottawa but it was packed and I was uncomfortable with staying there so we went over to Gatineau to Lac Leamy and it was fine. The water was pretty good, not Caribbean Ocean good but not weedy and gross so that was a nice thing. He got a bit of a burn because he felt he didn't need to wear his rashguard since he's a "man" now. Hopefully this will be a lesson but we'll see! He got clean at least. We will be going to the aviation museum before school starts as well, he's really into planes right now so I thought it would be a good choice. It's the other end of town, and closed a couple days, you have to buy tickets in advance, but I think it will a good day trip kind of thing. A few hours any way. 

I have decided to send him to the classroom. I am not sure it's the right choice, I hope we get more information from the school before it's time to go back, but he wants to go and there will be a couple friends there for sure, but also many doing online. If it come to it though, I'd likely just pull him out completely and say let's homeschool. The online plans are actually decent to me, at least what the ministry is saying has to happen. But I have no idea how the school will roll it out, and that's the worry. He went through a day or so where he thought staying home would be better, but when he learned it's mostly synchronized learning, so he has to be logged on with a teacher for 225 minutes a day, he said no way. 

I am waiting for details on how school will work, who his teachers are, the classes, who will be there. I believe they will split the immersion and non immersion kids, so he won't be in class with his little nemesis. But I am not sure if they will all be going to recess together or kept separate there too. Which is good, but also one of his friends in in non-immersion. Funnily, the few kids he has been playing with this summer, will not be going back to in school. One may start up again in November, I guess depending on how it goes. And I am not sure we'll make it that long. Any sign of trouble, whether covid or with teachers, we will just not be doing it. I'm tired of all the difficulties we have had with him in school, and while he has had a lot of time to mature in the almost 6 months since school wrapped up, I suspect there would still be some problems. So... I'll be working from home (forever if I have my way) and so we can homeschool in the unschooling manner, with projects and self directed learning. I am sorely tempted to do that any way, but am giving grade 6 a chance before we make that decision. 

In the meantime, I am doing a lot of homeshooling research, and we are doing some learning. Planes right now and an eye to how to become a pilot or design planes, what do we need for those career paths. We've talked about air cadets when he's 12, and how that is a great (and pretty much free) way to learn some basic flying. Aerospace Engineering as a career, what courses would be good to have towards that. Now, we'll just have to get him over the fact the throws up even at the thought of being on a plane. 

Back to School Decisions

Local school boards have finally released their plans for back to school. For kiddo's board, the elementary schools will be back to full days. They will have staggered starts and breaks, but we won't get those details until schools send more information in another week or two. We have until this Friday to decide if we will do online or in class. Whatever you choose, you are stuck to until end of October. The kids will have to wear masks, have one seat, do their work online in the platform the board uses. The online kids will be at home, and able to contact teachers for help. They will be able to collaborate with the in class kids apparently. 

Details are still a little fuzzy on how the staggering will work, and how many kids will be in a group. The classes will be online and in class kids together. Teachers will rotate into the class, so kids will have their own little "island" of a desk, with all their stuff. That will be fun in winter. They will have to come up with something for the boots and such. 

I have contacted those parent's I know, and so far, of the 6 kids, 3 are doing online only, 2 are going to in class and one is probably going to in class, but his mom is a teacher and looking for more information first. Jackson wants to go. I think he should. But. I am prepared to pull him out, and I mean take him out and home school instead. Actually unschool. To be honest, I think it would be better for him in any case, but I don't want to pull him out if he is not ready. So I give the school a week or two before he wants to never go again. The problem I have is that I will have to get over what I think he needs to learn versus what he wants to learn. I can't help him with French, he doesn't want to do "regular" learning. But he is learning, he can tell you anything you want to know about planes, different types, various airlines, how to land, what the differences are. If he keeps it up I am hoping to put him in air cadets at 12, he wants to learn to fly and that would be the least expensive way to do it. I know he'll have other things that come up that he wants to learn more about. And it would be freeing to not be tied to the school year for vacations and such. But... can we do it? We may find out. 

For me, work is not going well. I am not enjoying it and wish I could change jobs. I am waiting for the union to sign our new contracts and then get some back pay and a raise. I can't wait for that! I am trying to do my job, trying to not hate it but I am not inspired by what I'm supposed to do, at all. It is frustrating to be dealing with a system that was built with so many issues. I mean it's practically new, only a year or two old, and yet there are so many things that it can't do, yet I'm asked to try and get the information. I wish I was back on a project, even if it meant just writing stuff again. I don't know what to do in the current climate, finding a new position will not be easy. And I really want to be able to stay home as long as possible, like another 10 years until I can retire if possible. My retirement course in early September will be online, perhaps I will learn more then about what I need to do over the next 10 years. 

The townhomes we want to move to are going up for rent, but only the ones on the main road and I want the back ones on the quiet street. We don't have first/last yet any way so we'll have to wait. And then I keep waivering. perhaps we should stay here for another year, save some money, buy a house instead of renting? But renting is so much easier for maintenance, not having to replace things. But if we homeschool, and I can work from home, we can live anywhere, a house in the country with a big yard, or some place else near by that is less expensive. I guess we'll see what happens over the next couple months. 

August 2020

It's August. Normally around now I'd be celebrating the start of my holidays, looking forward to 5 weeks of time off. This year is different, no vacation plans this summer, we're home any way so no day camps. No swimming lessons, nothing really planned. I am off this weekend, extra long with a couple extra days off. I'll have a few days off the week before school starts, I may move them depending on the actual start date. Facebook keeps reminding me that I'm normally enjoying time off, but I am holding strong and waiting to use the vacation days either when we move or in the winter, should travel again be an option. Unlikely but I'm always hoping! 

An interesting development the past few days. Kiddo has not been playing any video games. On computer or xbox. His choice. He says his laptop is not broken but I haven't checked. He is still watching videos, and hanging out in the tent we got him a few years ago from Ikea. As a result, it's like he has matured over night. He is helpful, we have good conversations, he is learning some cooking skills. And while he's had one or two mild blow ups, it is nothing like what it normally is. I have proof that those darn games are horrible on his brain. Imagine if he gave up the youtube! 

While school is due to start in early September, either the 3rd or 8th depending on what they tell us, we are starting to plan for it. We will go get him new runners a week or so before, my parents offered to pay for them. We will also need some more pants for him, he's growing taller and taller. I am not sure how much longer he'll be in kid clothes to be honest. He is catching up to me in height! We have a dozen or so masks for him to use in school, and I will make sure he has hand sanitizer to take even though they will have a sink in the class room. I think he'll need some new pens and such as well, though it appears almost everything will be done on chromebooks. He has his own, thank goodness, so he'll be able to take that daily and use it. He wants a mouse with it as well, which shouldn't be a problem. We have a corded one he can take but I may get him a cordless one to use. 

Still trying to get my steps in every day, keep up the exercise, but it's gotten hard with some heat waves we've been having. Today I did walk the dog and kiddo came with us! Which was super great and I was really happy he came with us. He rode his bike, walked it at a few points. I think the exercise was good for all of us. 

A month until schools restart, what a strange year this has been. 

Those back to school plans

Provinces are starting to roll out their back to school plans for the fall. It is interesting to read them all and see the variation across the country. Ontario announced their plans this afternoon and the school boards will take that and let us know what they intend to do. I look forward to more details but am happy with what I've read so far. Kids in grade 4 through 12 will wear masks, I have 10 so far for kiddo and a few more on the way, so he can wear two a day at least. They will go full week, full days, and stick to their cohort. That needs to be clarified. I have emailed the school to ask if Jackson can be in a class with a couple of his friends and not his enemy. Hopefully his class will be his cohort. 

I am glad they are going back to full days, however I am prepared to pull him from school, whether to do the online stuff they are supposed to be providing for those who don't want to send their children, or to homeschool him. Or rather unschool him I guess. It will be interesting to fit this in to work, but I have no intention of going back to the office until there is a vaccine or very well established protocols in place to keep us all safe. Work is a bit different from school, more people, smaller spaces, no windows that open. 

Things have been going ok for us. He has been able to get out with friends a bit. Last week he was riding his bike and fell off. We spent a morning in the ER and he has a buckle fracture, so he's been in a splint for a week so far, two more to go! Then two weeks he has to be careful with it (so wear the splint while he is biking or playing outside). I am hoping the friends he is going out to play with will be in his cohort. 

We went yesterday to look at the townhomes that are coming up for rent soon. They are really nice, well finished and a good size. I am hoping we will be able to move for November or December, it is a lot of work, so much work. I am crossing my fingers and need to work out a plan. I also need to make sure I can afford it. My income has gone up a bit since I am not taking the unpaid leave this summer, and also my union just finally came to a new deal with my employer. It isn't signed yet but just a matter of time. That will take a long time to get sorted but the almost 6 years of back pay will be nice when it comes, if I could wait to move until then it would be ideal but I don't think the places will still be available. They are super nice, and of course close to his current school, and closer to the high school. They are also right beside a park with basketball net so he can play a lot, and his friends who go the park to play will be close by. Part of me thinks it is probably silly to move, but we have been in this house for 7 years I think? I'm not used to be in one place for so long, and changing schools isn't a good option. Purchasing is not an option, homes are far too expensive for what I want. 

The place also has 3 bedrooms, which would be awesome if I decide to have another child. Which I shouldn't do. It would be too much. Just that every time I read about someone else, another SMC, having a second (or third) baby, it makes me sad and full of regret. It would be lovely but I know it's not realistic. I can't even say "someday" as my days are running out. For now, Jackson will have two rooms for himself, and I will continue to be sad that I don't have 3 kids. 

Almost August

Time seems to be moving very quickly. It's almost August! I wonder if it would feel slower if I were taking August off again. This is the first summer I haven't, my pay cheque/bank account are very happy about this. My mental health is holding in there. I don't have to worry about summer camps or daycare so it's easier in that sense. I am working, it's going along fine. Things are getting done, but I could use a little break. I am glad I'll have a 5 day weekend soon. I need it. 

July has been hot. It's too bad we can't swim, or even get to a beach. And now we really can't. Jackson fell off his bike two days ago and broke his arm. It's a buckle fracture so he only needs a splint, but it can't get wet, so no swimming. Hopefully it heals quickly and completely. I am glad we don't have a trip planned. He is still able to go out, he went out with a friend today on his bike. He took his phone this time though, and some water and hand sanitizer. Not that he can do the monkey bars with a broken arm, but still good to have on him. The heat has been making it hard for me to sleep. We have central air, but it doesn't seem to work that well upstairs. We have ceiling fans in the bedrooms thank goodness, they do help, but I still feel so hot all the time! I'm sure it's partly "the change" so not much I can do about it. 

I work in a unionized job, and we've been without a new contract since 2016, they are currently negotiating, again, and hopefully we'll get a new deal from this round of bargaining. Because of all the "phoenix" issues we are also supposed to get a small bit of money. I am planning to use part of it to pay off some bills and put some aside so we can move to the new places, still rent, but new and nice, and a bit smaller. No yard to work on, which will possibly be annoying for the dog, but I think we'll manage. I just hope we get this all sorted before the end of the year. I am also glad to have finally paid up the leave I took last summer, so my take home pay has jumped a bit. I'll be trying to continue living as though I don't get that extra and put it aside. 

I am 99% sure we'll be cancelling our December cruises, but am waiting to see if the cruise lines cancel them first. I have booked a 14 night cruise for January 2022. It is sad that we'll have to wait so long to travel, but I really want to have something to look forward to. I would have been planning for Disney or Universal next summer but I don't think we'll be doing that. The situation down there is a bit nuts and I don't want to risk it really. 

I am hoping I'll be able to continue working from home indefinitely, like forever. School will be restarting September 3, though we won't know what that looks like until early August. I am hoping it's back to classroom, but also worry it needs to still be safe, so not sure that will be the best option. The school at home thing did not work for us, I can't see that improving. He needs to be able to be around kids. Hopefully if they limit the classroom size he will be put in with some kids he likes. 

It's summer, we are doing what we can to enjoy it while staying away from other people. Jackson spends some time at my parent's and is able to go out with a few friends to play. Even with the broken are he's still able to ride his bike and get some activity. I am hoping we'll be able to move before next summer, and need to get some work done in the house. I'd like to have the declutter lady come back for another day and help with the basement. I have bought a few things for here and there, a fancy red garbage can for the kitchen and a new headboard for my room. I'm excited to get that and make my bed cozy. I hope to hire her for a day when I move in as well, to really help get off on the right foot and get things organized right away. I have a list of things we'll need and a budget for all of it, so I don't have anything unexpected, even the utility moving costs are calculated. 

Happy Belated Canada Day

I have realized, after having 5 days off in a row, that perhaps I should have booked some summer vacation. It was nice, to sleep in, to watch a lot of TV and such. It was nice to not get up early and do as I wanted through the day. I don't tend to workout as much though. I find the days I work, I am reminded to get up and move more so I get more steps in, and often need to step away from the work to do a short workout. I love the being able to sleep in, but I am mostly glad I am saving my vacation days for when life returns to "normal" and we are able to travel again. One other thing, I have saved so much sick leave. Normally I use it up almost as fast as I accrue it. I get migraines and have only had a couple since lock down began, I wonder how much of a part the lighting at work plays. Possibly hormones as well, since I also have still not had a period since Disney last August (which has been awesome, though sad at the same time). 

For Canada Day, we didn't even leave the house. Well, I did go get us cold drinks, an iced coffee for me and a slushy drink for him. There were no fireworks, no big celebration. I guess it's good it wasn't the 150 or something? To be honest, we don't really have a lot of plans for the whole of summer. I am bribing him to do some work during the week, which so far has not worked very well. It's pretty easy stuff, I would like to know he is up to speed when school restarts, depending on what that even looks like.

I am very glad that the main floor got decluttered in December, it has made a big difference in being able to enjoy the space a bit. I want to do more work upstairs but keep procrastinating, getting started is the hard part. It needs to be done though. The basement as well but we don't use that as much. It would be nice to get it done so we can move if we choose to, though the places I was looking at moving to are going to probably be out of my budget. And I may miss the backyard? Well the dog will miss the backyard, he loves chasing the bunnies out there. The places aren't quite as close to the walking trail, but not too far. And the park is right there. Hopefully that will open up soon, actually living right there beside it would be hard to resist. 

I have been walking, and working out. And my knees are feeling it. I guess I should have worked to lose more weight before trying any jogging. But the jogging does really feel good in the moment. It makes me feel strong and like I can do anything. The workouts I have been doing also make me feel strong. Though the first few days I also felt sore! It was kind of nice to feel like I had done something. And it improved, I got better at it. In only a few days. 

The province is still slowly moving forward, things have been reopening. I can walk into McDonalds now to order take out, which is nice for us. It's closer to walk than drive. I wear a mask, it makes it easier! Though of course that could kick me in the butt if I don't stick to the points. I hope the city pools open sooner than later, we love to go swimming and it would be nice when the weather is so hot. If the water park doesn't open I will look at going to the one in Quebec, though it's not as nice. We do need some things to do, to get him off the computer and moving would be nice. He has been playing with a friend, but not everyday. That's ok, somedays are better than others.

I have no idea what fall will bring, school's should open to some extent, and if not, well, it will be really hard to get him to do anything. I think if that happens I will have to really step up the bribes, or something. Some fights have not been worth it. My goals are to help him stop breaking things, and learn some emotional control over his anger. I have no idea if we will accomplish that over the summer or not! It would also be really nice if he could fall asleep on his own without me sitting there. Those are my goals for him. My goals for me are all about my health, losing weight, eating better, moving more. And controlling my own temper as well. He does know how to push my buttons. I know that to manage better, I need to take care of myself better. So the walking and exercise are key there. It has been really hot, so the walking has to happen early or very late. Somedays, it's too hot for the dog even early. I do go out myself those days. The dog gets to play fetch in the house and run around inside, thankfully he is small enough that is seems to be just enough. 

I am also working on myself and letting go of what I can't have. I have to let go of my big family dreams. I know it's not practical, I know it doesn't make financial sense. I know my body is done so the choices would be expensive. In my head, I know. In my heart? Oh I wish I could have two more kids, I wish we could be a big family. I have buried my dream in trips instead, and now that trips are off the table for awhile, it brings the family dream back around to my heart. Could I adopt? I don't know. I don't even know that I would really want to be pregnant again, it was not a good experience the first time. So my head should win this battle and perhaps convince my heart what to do, or I guess not do in this case? 

As for the trips, we have two cruises booked in December, but given the mess that the US is at the moment, in particular Florida, I have no idea if we would even be able to travel there. I'm not sure I want to! There is also the November election, what impact that could have. So perhaps we will try an all inclusive this year instead. Or spend another winter in the cold. Hey, if I don't have to drive to work maybe it wouldn't be so bad? And hopefully this work from home thing will be the way going forward, at least most of the time, with perhaps going in to the office on occasion? Honestly? I'd be totally ok with that. And given it looks like kids will only be in classes maybe two days a week, if that, it is probably going to be the way for at least the next school year.