Worry and what if

I go for my surgery on Friday. I'm a little worried about it. I know it's a simple procedure and laproscopic, and supposed to be quick and easy really.  But I'm still worried, I mean they knock you out for it, and they take a piece of me out!  I am sure it will all be ok, but when you have a kid, these things worry a mother. I am very glad that my parents are coming to take care of the kid, while I'm recovering at least, and to take me to the hospital and all that. At least it's a day procedure, so I'm not there over night or anything. I can't handle that again! Not right now any way.  It does remind me that if I do have another baby, I will likely have to stay in the hospital for a few days, at least it was a week last time. I talked to a friend who has had the same surgery done, she said it was an easy recovery and I don't need to worry. So I do feel better knowing that.

I am kind of excited to get started. But I know I need to recover from surgery, and lose some weight first. I need money too. I know I'll get a tax refund at the end of February, which should be enough to get started. I turn 39 in February too.  I will go for a referral then, and go from there.  I imagine it will take awhile to get to be seen by the clinic, and then tests and what not. So probably not until May or June will I get to try. Until then I am temping, and will use some ovulation tests to see if I am doing that. Not this month though, the surgery will likely mess things up as the hospital stay did.

There are moments when I wonder if I can do it. Moments when my kid drives me nuts, when he is just too much for me, when I cannot take one more whiny moment. But the good outweighs the bad, and he is a good kid 90% of the time. I have other moments when I really wish I'd done something sooner, so they'd be closer in age and better able to play together. But I also think it will be nice to have Jackson in school while I'm on mat leave with baby. I think that will be ideal really.

We put up the tree this weekend, Jackson really enjoyed decorating it, so the bottom half looks fabulous and loaded with ornaments. The top half that I did is a little less done. But over all it is quite pretty and I'm glad it's up and decorated. I would normally wait until December 1st at least but with me not able to get it up the stairs then I figured it had to be now.

I'm ready for the surgery. Well sort of. I don't know really. I hope I am. I know I need to do it, and I will feel better once it's done. Then the real work begins.

Imagination

Jackson seems to have inherited my love of imaginative play. I have always enjoyed pretending, I used to dress up and pretend to be all kinds of things, I would reenact movies, tv shows, books. I would pretend to be a character in a show.  The past week or so Jackson has had us reenacting shows we've watched, most notably Dino Dan where he plays the dinosaurs and I get to be all the other characters. We even re-did the Santa visit. Both of us took turns being Santa and the other being the little kid. I refrained from sitting on his knee and sat beside him instead.  I was told my desire for $1 million for a gift was not a present and had to pick something more toy like. I enjoy it, but also find it somewhat silly and have a hard time getting into it. I'm not sure at what point I lost that ability, but I am trying to recapture it.  I will say though that I wouldn't mind if he would get to a point where he can play like that by himself.  I'm sure he will.

We have a busy time coming up, so we went to see Santa last night. Jackson asked for the garbage truck play doh, two mighty machine movies (the only two he doesn't already have) and switch and go dinos. Luckily I knew this already and have ordered (and received) the gifts already, so we are set. I just need to pick up a few things for stockings and myself. I always get myself new socks, weird but true! I have been trying to get everything done since the surgery is coming up. I won't be able to carry anything too heavy so we'll be putting up the tree this weekend. I am not sure where to put it but we'll figure it out.

I am a little nervous about the surgery. I know it's laproscopic, and I go home that day. I should be able to walk and stuff pretty quick, and hopefully I'm not too drugged up from the anesthetic. I am scared it will hurt a lot, but hopefully it won't be as bad as the last attack I had.

My parents are coming down on Thursday and will go home Monday. That is great, and also sucks. I love my parents but I like my space, and life the way it is. When they are here things get changes. They already have a bunch of stuff planned for the weekend, which is great for Jackson, but one of the things they are doing is a birthday party for him at my sister's. And that irritates me. He is my kid and I should be at his parties. Hopefully I will be up to it, even if I can't really eat. I know I should just be grateful that they are coming and will be taking good care of Jackson. But I just am annoyed.

I am still hoping to try for two. But since my cycle is totally messed up, I'm on day 31 now, I have no idea what's going on, or if I'll be able to. I know I should get checked out, especially before I get too attached to this idea, but I'm a little scared. I don't want to know, but I need to.

Second thoughts

I'm having my gallbladder out Nov 29th. Quick. Two weeks away. I'm anxious to have it over with, but also scared. Though I've heard it's not that bad, and recovery is pretty quick. It will be nice to not have another attack. Once it's done, I hope I'm able to eat a better diet, more variety. I will also try and focus on losing weight. I'm not allowed to lift anything over 10lbs for a month, so exercise will be limited I guess, walking should be ok I hope.

And then I think I am going to try for a second. I'm not entirely sure why, I mean by the time I'm able to try and have a second, Jackson will be almost 6. I will be 40. But I still want to try. It will be hard, and I know my parents will freak out, but I can't not try.  Jackson has been talking about being a brother, and asking for a baby. Not that having a second child is up to him of course! But at least right now he's not against the idea.

So I have a plan. Right now I will start temping again, to see if I can figure out my cycle. It's been messed up the past few months, getting shorter, and of course this month it's back to "normal" so what gives?  Annoying!  I will be good about taking my multi vitamin, and vitex, hopefully also the fish oil/omega 3's. In February, a few months before I will ask to get a referral, I will start taking CoQ10.  I have to investigate what else might help. I've heard evening primrose, but I don't think it would help my particular situation.  I will be cutting grain and sugar after my surgery, not right away though, but by January for sure. I hope to go for the referral in May, and I think it takes a couple months to get seen at the centre, plus the testing, so I'd be aiming to actually try in July or August. I will probably only do 4 tries, if that doesn't work then so be it.

I will keep looking at other ways I can get healthier, have better eggs.  I'm willing to try massage, accupuncture, seeing a naturopath, chiropractor. I think all of those are covered by my health care, but need a prescription for the massage at least. Shouldn't be too hard to get one I think.

It's a little sad that I got rid of all of Jackson's stuff. I still have only a few things, his baby bath, his infant car seat (which may be expired!), a small bin of clothes, a handful of cloth diapers no one would buy, and a few sheets and blankets for a crib.  I'll have to budget for all of the replacement stuff for sure. Shouldn't be too bad though, I am a much better shopper now, taking advantage of point plans, coupons, deals, sales, and even knowing that some brands are the same as the generic. I'd also use cloth from much earlier.

So yeah, I've changed my mind. Not sure why really. I can't quantify it or justify it. But I am happy with the plan, and better follow through.

A sick mommy

I've had some gallbladder issues in the past, about a year ago I had some very bad pain and procrastinated getting anything done about it.  This time I ended up going to the emergency room. It took me 5 days to go in, and I was eventually sent home, told I have gallstones, was scheduled for an MRI and a scope procedure to follow up and remove the stone. While I was in the emergency room Monday I called my parents, so my mom came up to stay with me and the boy.  Mom arrived Tuesday, which was a huge help. She was able to stay with Jackson while I went for the MRI on Tuesday evening, which showed stones and a blockage so the appointment was made to use the scope to get it out on Thursday afternoon. But by mid-Wednesday I was in so much pain even the magic pills they had prescribed didn't help. So I went back to the ER and this time was admitted. Turns out I had pancreatitis.  It is one of the most painful things I have ever experienced, I think it was worse than labour!  I was pumped full of morphine and gravol and it diminished but didn't get rid of the pain. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything for about 36 hours, hooked up to an IV and basically slept and got more drugs. Finally Thursday I got the procedure to remove the stone, which wasn't there any more! I was eventually discharged Friday night around 8:30 pm. And I went back to work Monday.  I will still have to have my gallbladder out at some point, probably in a few months, there is a wait list of course. I have a meeting with the doctor tomorrow, so we'll see from that. My parent's will probably have to come back.

This is one of the times when having family for support is really great. But I would still prefer to do everything myself. I don't think that having a spouse would be enough in this particular situation, I've had to have someone watch Jackson and drive me to or from the hospital.  All in all, it's really frustrating to not be able to manage these things on my own. I will be very happy when my gall bladder is out though, if it eliminates the pain I felt.

Jackson got to enjoy Halloween even without me. My brother in law took him trick or treating, in his dinosaur costume. And my mom was here to check his candy, and take some video of him going through it all. Some of my favourite quotes "I can't believe people buy this stuff and give it all away!" And his excitement over finding a "candy cane 3000" in his bag. Which I believe was a jolly rancher that ended up getting tossed because no one could get it out of it's wrapper.  He is very happy to have so much candy to eat, and asks for it all the time. It is difficult to limit it for sure!  He doesn't like the chocolate bars much, which of course is a problem for me since I'd love to eat them all, but can't because of the gall bladder stuff.

Next up is the big fourth birthday party. I have booked the party at a play gym, they get an hour of play time and then an hour in the party room for pizza and cake. I have bought loot bags and filler for them, and printed the invitations, which I have to get ready. I am just not sure of the timing of these things, how much notice do I give?  I do need to email two of his old daycare friends, so those will be emailed instead of actual invitations.  I have booked the party for 8 kids and he wants to invite 10.  Can you see a math problem? I am hoping 3 will be unable to attend. This is his first big party, every other year it's been just family and close friends. This is all daycare and school friends, I really hope it goes well.

After that of course is Christmas. I bought some lights to put up outside, and a few more ornaments for the tree. I am not sure where we will put the tree this year, but it will probably go up on December 1st, and we will be attending the Santa parade that night as well. Jackson wants many new toys, of course, so we'll have to work on narrowing that down and picking one or two for Santa's list. Should be fun.