Change

I find this time of year I am wanting change. Normally, as I approach my birthday, I look back and see what I've done so far in my life, see what else I want, and feel bad that I'm not really where I want to be. When I was growing up, I didn't always think about the future, I had general ideas. I always imagined I would get a good job, get married, buy a house, have children. I never thought I would have a job like the one I do. I thought I would be a scientist, I would work in a lab or something like that. I always assumed I would get married, it is what people do after all. I sometimes wonder what types of dreams for the future Jackson has, or will have. He changes his mind daily, sometimes hourly, but I know he's still young so I tell him he can do or be anything he wants.

I no longer want to be a scientist. I don't really want to work at all. I wish I could stay home and spend time improving my home, taking care of my son, taking care of myself. I feel like I have never really found a job that I loved, but I know I have bills to pay and things I want to do, so I keep doing what I am. There are no real options for me. I can change positions, but ultimately it would be the same job. I am stuck though, I certainly cannot be without a job at this point. Even taking time off to get a different education, at this point seems somewhat pointless. Given my job and pension plan, I have 12+ years of work left.

I no longer want to be married. Though Jackson would like me to be. I find the thought of having to share my life, and decisions, at this point exhausting. There would, I'm sure, be some benefits, especially financially. I simply recognize that relationships are a lot of work, work that I am not interested in putting in. I have nothing against men, or relationships for others, I simply don't want to spend the time and effort myself.

I've said before in this blog that I wanted 3 children. I have one, and I love him. I wish I could have more, but I am not sure I am willing to go forward with donor eggs. I am not even sure I am willing to try IVF. But I also know IUI will likely not work. At this point my body is winding down on the egg production. I haven't had a period since November, missed December and January is technically late. I haven't had a reliable, regular cycle for a year or two now, so I know my time is up, or at the very least it would be very low chances. Financially, I am not really in a position to try any way. I have chosen to spend money on travelling instead of saving to buy a house, or do IVF. Is it the right choice? I don't know but we have certainly enjoyed the trips.

I do recognize that I need to stop the trips for awhile, save some money instead of spending it all. I do have some debt, and it needs to go. If I didn't have that, life would be a lot easier and freer. I know I need to follow a proper budget, pay off the debt and save some money. Maybe even buy a house someday. I like to buy things. Things I can't always afford. And I know it's wrong and bad, and I am trying to change. But like everything else in my life, change is hard. Even when it's necessary change.

Happy New Year

We rang in 2018 asleep. Couldn't make it to midnight! Kiddo was yawning by 9. I was tired too. At least he's feeling better. He was sick a few days after our trip, and we stayed home from work for two days, so I worked half a day after our trip. Oh well! I go back to work on January 8th.

Last year had us taking a lot of trips, and spending a lot of money. This year we have one trip planned, and after that I need to focus on not spending so much. I need to save money. I want to buy a house someday. We also spent a lot on the pets, including the puppy. He is still a work in progress. I think we should have gotten an adult instead of a puppy, he is a lot of work and I cannot wait for him to calm down a bit.

I'm not really sure what our goals, or what my goals any way, are for the coming year. I want to be healthier, lost some weight, save some money. All the usual goals. I also plan to make a final decision on the second baby front.

I will need money, since I expect that I will need to use donor eggs at this point. I will be 43, my cycles have gone wonky, though I don't mind when it decides to skip a month! Well, except that I do feel much older than I am. Or perhaps I am as old as I feel? I need to lose some weight if I want to do donor eggs as well, I think I am close to the limit of what the BMI they will work with allows. I need to make the decision and feel ok with it. I may need to speak to someone, a professional. To sort out my feelings and help focus on a decision.

I think 2018 will be as any other year, me trying to be healthier, trying to do better with money. Kiddo will grow up and be himself. He will complain about having to go to boring school, he will hopefully do some swimming lessons, and perhaps play a sport. I will have to decide if he is going to do French immersion for grade 4. He isn't too happy in school right now. He complains that he doesn't really have any friends, no one cares about him, they are mean, and his teacher takes everyone else's side. I know he is smart, and has trouble because he is ahead of the curve in a lot of ways, and yet younger than the other kids since he is a December baby.

I have a week left until it's back to work. I hope I get some time to myself, I am very much an introvert who likes to be alone and kiddo is the opposite, wanting to be with me all the time. I love him, and love spending time with him, but it can be a bit much. And he doesn't understand, thinks it means I don't care about him or like him if I need time alone. How to deal with that? Not sure, but working on it. Usually I get some time after he's in bed, and that helps. But he has been staying up late because we're on vacation. So not time alone for me! It's only a week. Hopefully the cold lifts at least enough so we can go sledding or something. It has been cold warnings since before Christmas, a long time with terribly cold weather. It would be nice to get out and about. Even in winter.