Change

I find this time of year I am wanting change. Normally, as I approach my birthday, I look back and see what I've done so far in my life, see what else I want, and feel bad that I'm not really where I want to be. When I was growing up, I didn't always think about the future, I had general ideas. I always imagined I would get a good job, get married, buy a house, have children. I never thought I would have a job like the one I do. I thought I would be a scientist, I would work in a lab or something like that. I always assumed I would get married, it is what people do after all. I sometimes wonder what types of dreams for the future Jackson has, or will have. He changes his mind daily, sometimes hourly, but I know he's still young so I tell him he can do or be anything he wants.

I no longer want to be a scientist. I don't really want to work at all. I wish I could stay home and spend time improving my home, taking care of my son, taking care of myself. I feel like I have never really found a job that I loved, but I know I have bills to pay and things I want to do, so I keep doing what I am. There are no real options for me. I can change positions, but ultimately it would be the same job. I am stuck though, I certainly cannot be without a job at this point. Even taking time off to get a different education, at this point seems somewhat pointless. Given my job and pension plan, I have 12+ years of work left.

I no longer want to be married. Though Jackson would like me to be. I find the thought of having to share my life, and decisions, at this point exhausting. There would, I'm sure, be some benefits, especially financially. I simply recognize that relationships are a lot of work, work that I am not interested in putting in. I have nothing against men, or relationships for others, I simply don't want to spend the time and effort myself.

I've said before in this blog that I wanted 3 children. I have one, and I love him. I wish I could have more, but I am not sure I am willing to go forward with donor eggs. I am not even sure I am willing to try IVF. But I also know IUI will likely not work. At this point my body is winding down on the egg production. I haven't had a period since November, missed December and January is technically late. I haven't had a reliable, regular cycle for a year or two now, so I know my time is up, or at the very least it would be very low chances. Financially, I am not really in a position to try any way. I have chosen to spend money on travelling instead of saving to buy a house, or do IVF. Is it the right choice? I don't know but we have certainly enjoyed the trips.

I do recognize that I need to stop the trips for awhile, save some money instead of spending it all. I do have some debt, and it needs to go. If I didn't have that, life would be a lot easier and freer. I know I need to follow a proper budget, pay off the debt and save some money. Maybe even buy a house someday. I like to buy things. Things I can't always afford. And I know it's wrong and bad, and I am trying to change. But like everything else in my life, change is hard. Even when it's necessary change.