What's next

I think I need to see a psychologist or something. I am having a truly hard time with decisions right now, and regrets. I wonder if talking to someone would help at all. I need a referral to have it covered by insurance. It has been a few months now of wondering what to do, wishing I had done something sooner when I thought of it, when I wanted to at first. Wishing that at 38 or even 41 I had moved forward and not made excuses. Perhaps excuses mean I don't really want to do this? I don't know. What I do know right now is that my doctor is on vacation, and by the time he's back I will be off with Jackson, and not able to go see him with kiddo in tow. So I will have to wait until September for that, if I don't change my mind, again. Until then I guess I will keep thinking about it. Try to eat healthier, take my supplements, and try not to spend too much money. Lots of thinking. Figuring this out.

I have read lots of other women's stories about how they had to mourn not having a husband or partner first, and then deciding to have kids any way. I've never had that, I have been in relationships, but I am more content on my own. I love being a mom though. Even though he does crazy things and at times drives me nuts, I love the bond and well, mothering. I think I have always loved that part, wanting to help others and take care of them. Most of my relationships have had that aspect to them, taking care of the other person.

The problem is that it would be hard, I can see how things that we do now would be harder with another baby in the house. Heck even the dog would be more difficult to manage with a baby around. Expenses, being able to travel. All harder with a baby. Yet those things don't really bother me. I know we'd make it work. My mom, she'd have something to say I'm sure. Even the process of appointment would be tricky with kiddo. If I decide I really do want to go to donor eggs in the US, that's travel that is hard to manage with kiddo around. I don't think taking him with me is a good idea, but options are limited.

I have been looking at AI's in the south for a winter trip, but know I can't do that if I want to get pregnant. The threat of zika is huge in my mind. Not worth it. But if I decide not to move forward then a trip will be needed. Normally we cruise but I am reluctant to go through the US with all of the uncertainty. Though I'm considering it for treatment. How crazy.

The funny part to me is I did not enjoy being pregnant. I was filled with worry, and actually had morning sickness the whole time. In the end I had to be induced because my blood pressure went up. I also had gestational diabetes. All in all, pregnancy was not fun. Even being induced, and labour, ugh! It was horrible. But of course the baby made it all worth it. I can hope that I know better now, and would do better now. I also hope that I would be able to use a midwife and have a better experience in general. It is one of the things that makes me question my decision though. I wonder if adopting would make more sense. But it's hard to do as well. So what do I do? Accept my past choices, and move on. Or keep thinking I have time to make a decision and make a new choice.

I guess I'll be doing a lot (more) soul searching, and perhaps try a bit of the secret. While reading up on my odds at 43, and 44... and possibly older? And eventually getting to talk to a professional.

Silly Kid

Jackson played on his Xbox almost all weekend. Way too many hours, but it was SO hot out I couldn't really blame him for it. Some of his friends were playing as well so he was talking to them over his headset. My dad got it for him, though the one he ordered is going back and has been replaced with one that connects properly. He is playing a free online game, but you can pay to buy things for it. Things that don't really help with playing the game, just "look cool". I have a hard enough time paying the fees to play the game monthly, I don't want to spend the money on something that frivolous! Especially when I need to save every bit if I intend to move forward with donor eggs, or even IVF.

We were talking about the new stuff at Disney that opened this weekend, and how long the waits are. I told him maybe we'd be able to go next year if I don't have another baby. He mumbled something about having a baby. I asked him what he said. He then told me doesn't want a baby brother or sister, who we should call Sam because it could be a boy or girl name. I asked why, just so he could go to Disney again? He said that didn't matter, but if we have Sam then we will have to buy more food, and then he won't be able to keep playing Xbox. I asked if that was all, he said there were other reasons. He told me that a baby would mean the house would be messier, he would have to share the Xbox. It was kind of funny. Nothing about having to share me, or not be able to go on trips, just concern that the baby would mean less "stuff" for him.

I do know my kid is spoiled, he basically gets everything he wants. We are working on that. I am working on my budget, and setting money aside for me as well. I tend to not get new things for myself until I have to. I am much more particular about what I will spend the money on now as well. I can't control what my parents buy the boy, but I can make suggestions.

I am still considering what to do about number 2, but I still wish I could use my own eggs and just do an IUI or two, much cheaper. But of course a much lower success rate. I think IUI and IVF would probably be about the same success rate now, of course using donor eggs puts that up significantly.

For now, I am trying to lose some more weight, and save some money. I will be cleaning the house up as well. Though I am reluctant to get rid of all the toys, perhaps we can sort them out and select the "best" to keep. I also want to take some supplements for egg health, and I guess I'll need another appointment with the fertility clinic. I do wish it wasn't such a process to get in, or perhaps not such a long wait. When I make the decision I would like to be able to do something about it then and not wait 3 months, during which time I am more likely to change my mind. I guess changing my mind is not the best? I know I will have to talk to a psychologist before I move forward, perhaps that will help.