What's next

I think I need to see a psychologist or something. I am having a truly hard time with decisions right now, and regrets. I wonder if talking to someone would help at all. I need a referral to have it covered by insurance. It has been a few months now of wondering what to do, wishing I had done something sooner when I thought of it, when I wanted to at first. Wishing that at 38 or even 41 I had moved forward and not made excuses. Perhaps excuses mean I don't really want to do this? I don't know. What I do know right now is that my doctor is on vacation, and by the time he's back I will be off with Jackson, and not able to go see him with kiddo in tow. So I will have to wait until September for that, if I don't change my mind, again. Until then I guess I will keep thinking about it. Try to eat healthier, take my supplements, and try not to spend too much money. Lots of thinking. Figuring this out.

I have read lots of other women's stories about how they had to mourn not having a husband or partner first, and then deciding to have kids any way. I've never had that, I have been in relationships, but I am more content on my own. I love being a mom though. Even though he does crazy things and at times drives me nuts, I love the bond and well, mothering. I think I have always loved that part, wanting to help others and take care of them. Most of my relationships have had that aspect to them, taking care of the other person.

The problem is that it would be hard, I can see how things that we do now would be harder with another baby in the house. Heck even the dog would be more difficult to manage with a baby around. Expenses, being able to travel. All harder with a baby. Yet those things don't really bother me. I know we'd make it work. My mom, she'd have something to say I'm sure. Even the process of appointment would be tricky with kiddo. If I decide I really do want to go to donor eggs in the US, that's travel that is hard to manage with kiddo around. I don't think taking him with me is a good idea, but options are limited.

I have been looking at AI's in the south for a winter trip, but know I can't do that if I want to get pregnant. The threat of zika is huge in my mind. Not worth it. But if I decide not to move forward then a trip will be needed. Normally we cruise but I am reluctant to go through the US with all of the uncertainty. Though I'm considering it for treatment. How crazy.

The funny part to me is I did not enjoy being pregnant. I was filled with worry, and actually had morning sickness the whole time. In the end I had to be induced because my blood pressure went up. I also had gestational diabetes. All in all, pregnancy was not fun. Even being induced, and labour, ugh! It was horrible. But of course the baby made it all worth it. I can hope that I know better now, and would do better now. I also hope that I would be able to use a midwife and have a better experience in general. It is one of the things that makes me question my decision though. I wonder if adopting would make more sense. But it's hard to do as well. So what do I do? Accept my past choices, and move on. Or keep thinking I have time to make a decision and make a new choice.

I guess I'll be doing a lot (more) soul searching, and perhaps try a bit of the secret. While reading up on my odds at 43, and 44... and possibly older? And eventually getting to talk to a professional.