Regrets

I try to live my life with no regrets. I don't like to dwell in the past, or feel like a choice I've made was a mistake. I like to believe that I am who I am, where I am, and I like myself, because of all those choices I've made. I may not be where I thought I would be at this age but I think I'm doing well.

Right now I am trying to not regret my choice to not move forward with having another child. It is proving difficult. I'm not sure why. I know it's best for me, for Jackson. But I always wanted to have more than one kid, three in fact, and now here I am at 42, almost 43, and it's too late. I never followed through last year, I would need to start over, new referral, wait 3 months to get seen, wait 3 more months to even try. My odds were 5% at 41, now what? Maybe 2%? what would be the point? And I will be too old for the covered IVF. I don't want to afford that. I could, I'm sure, work it out, but I don't want to. Never mind my cycles have been very irregular lately.

Canada is changing the mat leave rules, I'd be able to take 18 months off. It would be the same amount of pay as over the 12 months currently, but my employer tops up 12 months to 93% of my current salary. My son's school/daycare is going to be offering a toddler program starting soon, that starts at 18 months. Of course he's already in grade 3, so getting to a baby and that baby 18 months it might only be one year of overlap in the same place.

And I have about 14 years until I can probably retire, new baby would be 12 or 13 then? That would be difficult. I don't want to have to work an extra 10 years! I want to retire, buy a mobile home and drive south every winter! I know Jackson would have a hard time sharing me with a sibling, he has already said he wouldn't like it because he wants to be the baby. But of course today he wanted to be a big boy and walk to the park by himself, because it snowed and I didn't want to go out. We ended up at the park, after some yelling on my part. I wonder if my temper can handle another strong willed child.

So here I am, filled with regret over not trying for a second child when Jackson was 2, or 3 or 4... or even last year. Trying to get over it, with great difficulty.