That time of year

Looking back over the past few years, it seems this is the time of year when I write about how much I wish I'd had another baby. And once again I am feeling it. Why didn't I do this when Jackson was two or three? Why didn't I do it at 41 when I started the process? Fear? Probably. Every step I run into fear. I get scared of the unknown, of how much work it would be, how much money it would cost. I feel like I sabotage any chance of moving forward. I choose vacations and travel over trying. Trips are easy to plan, trying for a baby is hard and full of unknowns. Full of possible disappointment. With Jackson it was easy, it was a decision but not, if it happened great but if not, it was ok.

And now I am 44. And Jackson is almost 10. We were talking about how things would be if he had a baby brother. He said he really wanted to have one. But he wants me to have a baby in December like his birthday, and NOW. And then he got upset he didn't already have a baby brother, not a baby sister. The past couple years have been difficult as we have been working through everything at school. The problems he has had, some other stuff too. The fact I still have to sit with him every night until he falls asleep. How would I manage that with a baby? I am just getting to a point where I stay up past 10, it leaves me exhausted a lot of the time, but I hate having to go to bed at the same time as him or shortly after, leaves me no time to myself. Which I do like. And a baby would impact that as well. It makes sense for us to stay as a family of two. But my heart aches. I have regrets. I feel I have made the wrong choices. Even though every trip has been amazing and fun and so worth it in the moment. The memories, some of the moments on the trips, those have been amazing.

I do feel I've made some poor choices along the way. Even now, I want to move to a newer place, still rent, but it'll cost me so much more, and the place is smaller, with no back yard, though I am terrible at yard work any way. Financially, should I? Probably not. But purchasing a home has gone way up and is out of reach. Homes have increased by $100K over the past few years. It is crazy, my salary hasn't gone up that much! And, as happens when I run into baby fever, I then put all that longing into getting a new pet, so when we move, I want to get another cat. Because 3 cats and a dog just isn't enough! Right? Ha!

The problem with having a baby is it's donor eggs and sperm, and the cost. Over $20K for one lot of eggs/sperm with one FET. Less than I've spent on all our trips combined, but way more than I have access to right now. And getting it? Will take at least a year, which puts me at 45 and makes it harder to do everything. So what do I do? Stick with letting it go, even though I can't (and should talk to someone I guess) or try, and work on my weight, keto diet?, and saving. Which means no trips. But I really want a trip. So am I deflecting my desires? Trying to push the regret away by focusing on a trip, moving, a kitten? And of course also trying to focus on connecting with Jackson, maintaining that and trying to work on it more.

I finally managed to get him a prescription for therapy, but can't convince him to go. I guess I need to get one for myself as well and actually follow through for myself.

As much as I wanted to attempt to adopt, the more I look into it, the more concerned I become. I have my hands full with Jackson's problems, it tries me as a parent. I am not sure I can handle another kid with issues like his, or worse, and that is a concern with adoption.

So here we are, the night before Halloween, and it's supposed to be a rainy one. October almost over, 2019 almost over. And I wish I had a bigger family, and regret my lost chances and the choices I have made. They were my choices, and I live with them.