Getting Older

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 45. I don't feel old or anything, but I do feel unprepared. I have some regrets, some worries for the future, and a host of other feelings. Worry being near the top. We intend to go for dinner tomorrow night, so I don't have to cook, and so we actually go out, but that will be weather permitting I think. We are in the midst of a large amount of snow fall and the temperature has dropped again. It is supposed to warm up a bit again over the weekend. Not many plans for the weekend, I don't tend to do much in winter though I think that may be worse for Jackson. I wish we were going on a trip this year but it's not in the cards. Not until December any way.

Based on where I work, I could retire at 55, just 10 years away. But I think I will have to work until 59. There is a course I can take on retirement at work that I guess I should take now. I am banking on the pension plan, so I will need to make sure my best years are high enough to be able to manage after I retire. Of course I will want to travel, spend winter some place warmer. Not sure I will be able to do any of that, but I will hope (and plan at some point). I am not prepared to be a decade away from retirement, though I look forward to not having to work. I worry that I won't be able to do it, that I will have to work much longer, and not be able to retire ever.

I have regrets, as Jackson has gotten older I find I deeply regret not giving him a sibling when he was 2 or 3, I wonder if it might have made our problems easier, perhaps if he had a built in friend to play with things might have been easier especially in terms of getting the screens out of our lives. I feel like I would love to be able to provide that sibling even now, but 10 years to retirement? I wouldn't be able to do that with a new baby, and adoption is too difficult right now. The logistics of it, and with the problems we are having, it seems like it would be too difficult to manage. He has been having more trouble in school, I am hoping that we have a handle on it but you never know. He has been somewhat ostracized by his friends, not getting invited to birthday parties, none of them wanting to come play. It worries me too.

Still looking at moving, not sure when or where now though. With all the issues at school I wonder if it would be a good break to change schools. Clean break and all that. It would be nice for him to have more choices of friends, perhaps a bigger school. I debate just switching him to the public school board. And so I consider where to move to. Or whether to move at all. This house is bigger than we really need, but it's also comfortable and a good location. Moving is expensive and a lot of work. We could move into something smaller, but I don't think it would save money. And I'd probably have to park outside, in winter, which sucks. So I'm not sure what to do really. A lot to consider, and I've been making lists of course, and trying to think it all through. I don't want to make a decision too hastily, because I worry about the future and make decisions too quickly.

Here I am, turning 45. My life is not what I expected it would be but I keep going, keep making choices and trying to make it something good. I have a good job, that pays well and I'm good at. But that really bores me and is not inspiring. I can't imagine a better one though, I don't have a job in mind that would be amazing. I'll continue it, because it has a pension plan, benefits, and I am good at it. I hope that will be enough.

I have one child, I always imagined having 3, but sometimes one feels like more than enough. And yet it also feels like not at all enough. I long for a bigger family, more love. But it's also hard, my one kid is a bit hard to manage, and I miss so much the little kid he was, the adoring child who just wanted to be with me all the time. He still needs me every bedtime, but not for cuddles. I miss it so much, people are right, it does go by so fast.

I wanted to travel to some places, and while we have gone on a few trips, and I love our cruises and Disney vacations, there are other places I want to see that I'm not sure I'll be able to now. Or maybe I will after I retire. I also didn't really want to live here forever, but given my job it is now the only option. Again, until I retire. I guess I need to hope I will be able to retire.