Winter Blah

 Winter has decided to really roll in, with some snow and temperature's dropping. Of course since Ontario is in lock down we are stuck at home and it is starting to show. Jackson hasn't been playing with his "friends" the past few days so has been a bit more bored than usual. He has made friends with a boy in Ireland who enjoys the same game he plays in Minecraft, so he plays with him in the afternoon but there is a time difference so not all day. 

He's once again interested in dinosaurs and we have watched the same few documentaries over and over again, the then reenacts them with his dino toys, but there are fewer than there once were. I got rid of tonnes of them over a year ago, and he hasn't wanted to play with them until now. Of course now he wants more of them so I ordered a few but we'll see if they are what he expects. I don't plan to replace any more. There is a lot I don't want to replace any more to be honest. 

We have also been playing dinosaur games outside, but today was too cold for me. I am sure we'll be back out there tomorrow, and probably need to shovel a bit as well. He loves it, I tolerate it, and sometimes we take the dog out too. He gets cold so it's a good excuse to head back in. I know when I was his age, or younger, I played outside on my own but apparently that isn't a thing with kids now. I think if this had all happened when I was his age, if we'd had the technology, I'd have been ok to play alone. And I think sometimes this is harder for me because I have his care and mental well being to worry about. 

Between winter and covid and work, I am having a hard time. I am struggling with this round of lock down. I think the fact vaccinations are so close, yet so far away, is not helping. I really look forward to life returning to some semblance of normal again. I hope that Jackson will go back to school eventually, I hope that we will be able to travel, visit my parents, see friends. Get out of the house and DO something. It's taking a toll on both of us, he is bored and cranky, though he's been sleeping better. I am irritated and on edge. This is a struggle, the worst it's been yet. I really hope this lock down stuff ends soon. We need to be able to get out. I want desperately to be able to travel. Since we started doing our trips this is the longest we have gone without anything, before this it was 16 months and then we knew we were going back. This time it's been 17 months already with no end in sight. Likely 28 months or more. It's a first world problem for sure, but it is impacting my mental health. 

We still have rodents in the garage, though I've set traps and poison and tried to get rid of them. It's frustrating and I'm not sure what else I can possibly do. The back deck is still falling apart, I will let the landlord know about that in spring once the snow melts again. Though I don't want to live through it's repair or deal with them coming to check it out before it can get fixed. These are the things that make me want to move. But moving is so much work... and today I am not sure I can do it. I haven't got the energy or motivation to do the work that needs to be done. There is a lot of work to do here before we can move. I have so much I want to do, but I also wonder if moving is the best idea. The places I found outside of town are out, kiddo threw a fit about leaving the school he thinks he wants to go to. Even though he hates school, and his "friends" aren't always nice to him. I am so hoping the pediatrician appointment is helpful. Something needs to change. 

Small Steps

 Kiddo is in bed already, it's not even 8 yet. He is tired, and currently obsessed with getting 10 hours of sleep a night because that's how much a child his age should get. He looked it up. He didn't believe me when I told him. But that's ok, he believes it now. He only got 7 1/2 hours last night, and had a short nap today, maybe 30 minutes, so he has some to make up. I'm ok with it. If I can go to bed early tonight as well it will be great! 

The past couple evenings he has spent the time with me, as we used to. It is nice. He is interested in more grown up shows now, though he often watches his phone while the TV is on. We play games or he forces me to do nerf battles or play hide and seek. Well the nerf battles are all him, I hate them. We have even had dinner at the table, and he helped me cook. Not that it was much but he enjoyed helping so that was nice too. I look forward to moving and having more counter space to really cook on. 

And speaking of the moving, we found the perfect place to move to. It is further from here, about the same distance from my parents but has two master suites so Jackson is all excited to have his own ensuite. The main floor is nice and open with lots of space and a pantry, and a big breakfast bar. Even a fenced yard, which is lacking in the places near here that are also very nice. The new place is also cheaper, which leaves more money for travel and to save. So hopefully there will be something available still for May. At least with being able to work from home I don't have to worry about the commute so much. 

Ontario is in full lock down, don't leave the house unless you have to, mode. I went and picked up groceries today, the click and pick up style, and got Wendys drive thru for lunch. We made tacos for supper. He likes his nice and plain, just meat and cheese! We watched a show we can only find on YouTube, it's about this guy named Nigel who travels through time to visit dangerous seas and sea creatures, very realistic. I wish we could find the DVD. I'll keep watching for it though. 

I just want things to be back to whatever the new normal will be. With being able to travel and go places. I can't wait to get vaccinated, and for Jackson to be as well. I want to get on a cruise ship and sail away to warm lands. To eat yummy food and swim in the ocean. I can't wait. It is what keeps me going. The hope and plan that it will happen again. 

Despair and Hope

 Jackson had an ok day yesterday. But then in the evening, I could hear him getting really worked up about the game he was playing. I went up to get ready for bed and he hit his monitor when I went in to get his bed sorted. It didn't break but I told him to take it easy and maybe take a break from the game to calm down. He didn't listen, and when I was getting ready for bed I heard it, the smack that cracked another monitor and then the string of self loathing and crying. So that's 3 in a month? Yeah. I don't know what he expects me to do about this. I can't keep replacing these expensive things, nor am I willing to shell out money for a fancy computer I doubt he'll take care of. It is frustrating. But services were closed over Christmas/New Years so no help to be had.

Today, things started back up. I was able to talk to his family doctor, who is referring him to a pediatrician to talk to about medications and help. He also gave a therapy prescription which I need to insurance. Now to find one taking new people, before summer... and of course they are all doing virtual only at the moment so it's really difficult to find one. I have emailed a few, hopefully I will hear back from someone sooner than later!

I also heard from a short term place, and they have someone for us to talk to (virtually) on Thursday, so that's a relief, at least it's something. Based on that conversation, we'll see what they can do to help, and how we can move forward. I need things to move as quickly as possible so he is willing to do this, and so stuff stops getting broken. I just can't afford to keep replacing things!

The sad thing for me is that all of this, and maybe I should have forced it sooner, has left me feeling like a failure as a mom and knowing I shouldn't have any more kids because it's too hard, too much. If I had done it sooner, perhaps things might have gone differently. I don't know. I still have hope, maybe we'll figure this out and it will all be ok. I worry so much for his future if we can't get him calmer and more in control of himself. Less destructive. I wish we hadn't needed daycare, or that school was a better situation for him. It is difficult. I moved to this house to get him closer to a better school and area, but it seems to have back fired. I don't know any more. I don't think it's best for us to remain here with the toxic friends he has, but will kids in other areas be any better? Perhaps if he has some tools to help, and some medication? I wouldn't put it all on the other kids, I know my kid has a mouth and anger that can spew forth. But he is sensitive, and what wouldn't impact another kid, hits him hard. 

It was back to work today, a long day with a lot of email to catch up on. It's going to be a long week I think. The time off was really nice. I enjoyed it a lot. I worry that kiddo's sleep was very bad the whole time, and that continues. Not enough sleep doesn't help any of the problems. I am having a hard time getting my own sleep back to normal this week, I was up late last night after the monitor happened. And slept through my alarm this morning. But being so close I was able to get to work easily :-) I kept keto and did my steps every hour. That part is easy, the 10 minutes is hard though! I'm not sure why to be honest. Oh well, I'll keep trying.