Jackson had an ok day yesterday. But then in the evening, I could hear him getting really worked up about the game he was playing. I went up to get ready for bed and he hit his monitor when I went in to get his bed sorted. It didn't break but I told him to take it easy and maybe take a break from the game to calm down. He didn't listen, and when I was getting ready for bed I heard it, the smack that cracked another monitor and then the string of self loathing and crying. So that's 3 in a month? Yeah. I don't know what he expects me to do about this. I can't keep replacing these expensive things, nor am I willing to shell out money for a fancy computer I doubt he'll take care of. It is frustrating. But services were closed over Christmas/New Years so no help to be had.
Today, things started back up. I was able to talk to his family doctor, who is referring him to a pediatrician to talk to about medications and help. He also gave a therapy prescription which I need to insurance. Now to find one taking new people, before summer... and of course they are all doing virtual only at the moment so it's really difficult to find one. I have emailed a few, hopefully I will hear back from someone sooner than later!
I also heard from a short term place, and they have someone for us to talk to (virtually) on Thursday, so that's a relief, at least it's something. Based on that conversation, we'll see what they can do to help, and how we can move forward. I need things to move as quickly as possible so he is willing to do this, and so stuff stops getting broken. I just can't afford to keep replacing things!
The sad thing for me is that all of this, and maybe I should have forced it sooner, has left me feeling like a failure as a mom and knowing I shouldn't have any more kids because it's too hard, too much. If I had done it sooner, perhaps things might have gone differently. I don't know. I still have hope, maybe we'll figure this out and it will all be ok. I worry so much for his future if we can't get him calmer and more in control of himself. Less destructive. I wish we hadn't needed daycare, or that school was a better situation for him. It is difficult. I moved to this house to get him closer to a better school and area, but it seems to have back fired. I don't know any more. I don't think it's best for us to remain here with the toxic friends he has, but will kids in other areas be any better? Perhaps if he has some tools to help, and some medication? I wouldn't put it all on the other kids, I know my kid has a mouth and anger that can spew forth. But he is sensitive, and what wouldn't impact another kid, hits him hard.
It was back to work today, a long day with a lot of email to catch up on. It's going to be a long week I think. The time off was really nice. I enjoyed it a lot. I worry that kiddo's sleep was very bad the whole time, and that continues. Not enough sleep doesn't help any of the problems. I am having a hard time getting my own sleep back to normal this week, I was up late last night after the monitor happened. And slept through my alarm this morning. But being so close I was able to get to work easily :-) I kept keto and did my steps every hour. That part is easy, the 10 minutes is hard though! I'm not sure why to be honest. Oh well, I'll keep trying.
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