Small Steps

 Kiddo is in bed already, it's not even 8 yet. He is tired, and currently obsessed with getting 10 hours of sleep a night because that's how much a child his age should get. He looked it up. He didn't believe me when I told him. But that's ok, he believes it now. He only got 7 1/2 hours last night, and had a short nap today, maybe 30 minutes, so he has some to make up. I'm ok with it. If I can go to bed early tonight as well it will be great! 

The past couple evenings he has spent the time with me, as we used to. It is nice. He is interested in more grown up shows now, though he often watches his phone while the TV is on. We play games or he forces me to do nerf battles or play hide and seek. Well the nerf battles are all him, I hate them. We have even had dinner at the table, and he helped me cook. Not that it was much but he enjoyed helping so that was nice too. I look forward to moving and having more counter space to really cook on. 

And speaking of the moving, we found the perfect place to move to. It is further from here, about the same distance from my parents but has two master suites so Jackson is all excited to have his own ensuite. The main floor is nice and open with lots of space and a pantry, and a big breakfast bar. Even a fenced yard, which is lacking in the places near here that are also very nice. The new place is also cheaper, which leaves more money for travel and to save. So hopefully there will be something available still for May. At least with being able to work from home I don't have to worry about the commute so much. 

Ontario is in full lock down, don't leave the house unless you have to, mode. I went and picked up groceries today, the click and pick up style, and got Wendys drive thru for lunch. We made tacos for supper. He likes his nice and plain, just meat and cheese! We watched a show we can only find on YouTube, it's about this guy named Nigel who travels through time to visit dangerous seas and sea creatures, very realistic. I wish we could find the DVD. I'll keep watching for it though. 

I just want things to be back to whatever the new normal will be. With being able to travel and go places. I can't wait to get vaccinated, and for Jackson to be as well. I want to get on a cruise ship and sail away to warm lands. To eat yummy food and swim in the ocean. I can't wait. It is what keeps me going. The hope and plan that it will happen again. 

Kittens and puppies

 I think I have always had a pet of some sort. As long as I can remember I have had a dog or a cat, usually a cat. At least one. I am more of a cat person but have also had dogs, currently have one and three cats. I sometimes think we have too many but then I actually want more. Just how I want more babies. It seems every time the urge to grow my family has hit I have gotten another pet. 

I have been watching an awful lot of Christmas romances, and romantic comedies. It is kind of funny because while I think the romance part is sweet, and of course so contrived, it is the ones with babies that make me happy. I watched a show where a 3 week old baby is left on a door step and oh my but my heart sang for that. I wonder if this will ever go away. I mean my body is done with it, at only 45 I am menopausal. Only 45? I don't feel like I am old. Though I do also feel like my body is old. I don't take very good care of myself I guess. My arm has been aching and my knees/hips often ache as well. I don't move enough, and certainly eat too much. Whether that is eating my feelings, boredom or what, who knows. 

Shortly after I had Jackson, I knew I wanted another one. But thought it shouldn't be done. A single mom having more babies? Who does that? Lots of mom's apparently. But I worried about money, and cost. Funny thing is it would have cost me a couple thousand, if that, to do an IUI or two or three. And now, here I am wanting it still, and knowing it will cost me much more. By the time I could afford it now, I'd probably be over the age limits for all the clinics. And what would my family say? Could I even still ask my sister to be a guardian when she is even older than I am? What would Jackson do? He's been an only child for a long time, and he likes all the attention. A baby would be hard, I'd be tired, they need a lot, they are expensive. But oh my heart aches. And I wish I had done something more at 41 when I went to the clinic. 

The thing is, if we hadn't done the trips we have gone on, I'd have had the money and more. Those trips were rather amazing though and we enjoyed them all so much. I want to do more! How could I do that with a baby? I'd not want to go on a cruise until that baby is 2 at least, and Disney would be hard. Jackson loves the coasters but babies can't go on them. It wouldn't be fair for him to have to be alone on them all. 

I considered adoption but that process is long and difficult, and I am just not sure I can do it. Or how Jackson would handle it. It could cost a lot less, even be free. As much as I didn't like being pregnant, or giving birth, I did love having a baby. Even though I have so many moments when I think I am terrible at being a mom, I know most mom's feel that way at times too. And honestly, Jackson is a lot but he is a good kid and doing so much better without the pressure and school stuff. 

So again, I'm cleaning up the house, getting rid of a lot of stuff and better organizing what remains. Also, trying to move more and eat better. I bought so many veggies and fruits. I can't decide between keto which I know works and makes me feel so good but is so hard to stick to, and weight watchers, which allows me to eat whatever I want but I hardly lose anything on, and is so easy to cheat with. As winter is descending on us, cooler weather rolling in, winter parking bans possible, and just wanting to not be a complete sloth, I have to pick one. And stop ordering so many meals. As yummy as they are. 

I have a hard time falling asleep. I wonder sometimes if my routine of sitting with kiddo while he fell asleep had an impact on my own sleep. I toss and turn for an hour or more every night, even when I stay up late to try and be more tired. Is that the menopause? Probably not entirely. Though I blame that for the fact I am hot at night so much. Maybe if I exercise more? Do yoga? Something? I had a month or two over summer where I was doing so well, and then it fell apart. Maybe that would help my sleep? 

Now, I just have to avoid getting another kitten. And stick to my plans. For once.  

Another month is almost over!

 Time is a strange thing this year. It goes super fast at times, yet seems to be moving like a snail. I'm sure it's a covid side effect. With restrictions coming and going, school not happening really, and work the same, day after day. I am trying to stay positive, sometimes it's really hard. I know that when winter arrives it is going to get even harder. At least now we can go for walks, enjoy some sunshine. Once the snow starts, it will be harder to get out, at least for me. I haven't been that great about getting out for walks this past week. I have, what I hope, is a cold. I have no idea where I caught it, but I was exhausted for a couple days and Jackson had to fall asleep on his own. First time since he was about 3 or 4 he's done that. He was really good at it up until he started school. Then I had to sit with him until he fell sleep every night. Which has now been going on for so many years I've lost track. Now, finally, he's going to sleep on his own. Which means I can go to bed when I am tired! I don't have to wait for him to feel sleepy. He can stay up and watch his videos or whatever and I can be asleep. Its a game changer. He is a night owl, through and through. I am not, not when I have to be at work at 7. He had a rough few nights at first, staying up until 2 or 4, and sleeping until 11 or whenever. But he's back on schedule now. Last night he was asleep just after 11. Still feels late to me, but for a weekend, its ok.

He has been doing some math work, and realizing it isn't as bad as he thought it would be. He knew how to do the problems so he was happy about that. It only takes 10 or 15 minutes a day and he is learning a lot of other stuff as well. On his own. I would like him to do some reading comprehension as well, but we'll see if he's game for that tomorrow. I am not too worried about it, which perhaps isn't a very mothery thing to say, but I know he will learn what he needs to learn. 

One thing I am trying to cling to in all of this, I love being able to work from home. Though I do not care for my current job, I know opportunities will come up eventually should I want to seek them. And the ability to be home is amazing. Not having to drive to work, deal with people, winter driving, pay for parking, all of that is awesome. I have a space set up, finally, and can shut it all off at the end of the day. I am not sure where we will fit in the Christmas tree this year but I am sure we will manage something. I do still need to declutter the basement so maybe some of the toys can go down there, even if only for December. I do think we'll need a new tree this year. I'd love to get a smaller one, or perhaps a narrow one? Not sure, but the one we have is older than kiddo and the cats have destroyed a few branches from sleeping in it. I am sure they'll do that to another one as well, but perhaps if it is narrow we'll manage to keep it up and not broken. 

Kiddo will be 11 soon. Hard to imagine. I so regret not trying to give him a sibling way back when. I had chances but always thought this one thing would have to be perfect first, either my weight, or buying a house instead of renting. Whatever it was, I missed my chances. I am out of luck now it seems, apparently my family goes through menopause early so I'd have to spend a small fortune on the chance. And it sucks because if I had done this when he was 2 or 3, or even 6 or 7, I would have had to spend a little bit. I think we would have a better time of it now if we had another person around. He would certainly be a great big brother, he can be super caring and thoughtful. His temper tends to get in the way of things a lot. But even that is getting a bit better to deal with. Given the money I'd need to do donor eggs it would take at least another year, and after that, a year before a baby, and so kiddo would be 13. That's a really big age gap. And means a baby would be 8 to 10 when I am able to retire. Would that be good? Maybe. But I'd also have spent a lot of money so close to when I want to retire, which wouldn't be good. Though I also have a really good pension plan so does it really matter? Having to pay for a child with only pension income might be hard. But I could also do some consultant work, a lot of people that retire from my employer do that after. Lots to consider. But either way, I need the money to do it. Which I could have next year as I'll be getting a bunch of back pay. So yeah. I could maybe do it? 6-ish months to decide I guess. 

This year

 I know there are a lot of jokes and memes floating around about 2020, I mean this year has been so crazy. Usually, I am ok with it all. I mean I have a bit of worry about what we'd do if I got sick, or if he did, and in the beginning about how expensive everything suddenly became, but we made it through that part and are somewhat settled. I try and see the good parts, I love being able to work from home, and I think it's been good for him to be not in school for a little while. But then, something will trigger this overwhelming "ugh" moment for me and I will feel like crying about the whole situation. I miss the things we should have been doing this summer, he was supposed to be trying out new summer camps, we were supposed to have season passes for the local water park. Now, we've gone to the beach once, and will be going to a museum this week but otherwise we haven't really gone anywhere or done much. I feel badly that I haven't been able to do as much as we did last year, we haven't been able to go swimming or to the beach we like (it's closed this summer any way) and even little day trips haven't happened because of so many restrictions.

This virus, it scares me, and it amazes me how quickly the world has changed. I feel resentful that I can't do things I want to do, that we can't plan trips for this winter, and we can't even just decide to go swimming and play at the pools. I am sad that things have changed in so many ways, and scared about what school holds for this fall. At least in that regard I am (so far) satisfied with my decision to send him, the board has about 25% of kids that won't be going to class so I am hoping his group will be smaller. I hope that we will feel like it's safe, and not want to pull him back to online. If I'm honest, we could use a little break from one another. It's been a long 6 months of just us, with a few breaks where he has spent a night at my parent's. He is going for 3 nights this weekend and is already worrying about it. I am looking forward to it, as much as I love my kiddo, I am an introvert by nature and look forward to alone time. 

He's been staying up late, we go to bed at the same time so I don't get time then. During the week, I get up first but I have to work, so it isn't like I can just watch something fun for me. I do get some time after dinner sometimes (like today) when he's either playing online with friends or going to the park with them. I prefer when he goes to the park, but I'll take either option. Weekends, I am probably up after him. I feel like I have not been getting enough sleep at all. I think once school starts, he'll be going to bed earlier. I hope so. 

Once school is sorted, or at least started, I will have to consider work. I am not happy with my job, the work itself that I currently have is irritating to me, it is not something I enjoy and not what I want to be doing. I will have to find a way to get a new position, without being able to just go walk up to people I know and chat with them. I'm sure I can do it, I really want to get back to projects, I prefer it a lot. I am also good at it, good at writing for projects. I just hope I can find something. 

I am feeling down this evening, probably tired from a long night, he woke up with a bad dream and I had to sit with him for about 2 hours in the middle of the night. So I'm tired. Doesn't help the situation. I am also wondering about travelling. We miss it, we went to Disney last summer and it was so nice. I can't wait to go back, but not until the mess is over in the US. I also want to cruise, but don't see that happening. I am wondering if it will be at all possible to go to an all inclusive, we never have, and winter is going to be long. But we won't go if it isn't safe of course. And if we do go, it will have to be somewhere with a lot to do for him. But then too, a trip may mean we can't move.

And speaking of the moving, I keep thinking we should stay here another two years, save enough to buy something. Something small. Instead of renting. I don't know. Buying will be very expensive, prices have gone up so much in only a few years, two more years could be difficult. But I'd have my debts paid off by then and hopefully enough for a down payment. But buying comes with so much responsibility, and having to maintain things. I'm sure we can find something that isn't too much work. 

Happy Belated Canada Day

I have realized, after having 5 days off in a row, that perhaps I should have booked some summer vacation. It was nice, to sleep in, to watch a lot of TV and such. It was nice to not get up early and do as I wanted through the day. I don't tend to workout as much though. I find the days I work, I am reminded to get up and move more so I get more steps in, and often need to step away from the work to do a short workout. I love the being able to sleep in, but I am mostly glad I am saving my vacation days for when life returns to "normal" and we are able to travel again. One other thing, I have saved so much sick leave. Normally I use it up almost as fast as I accrue it. I get migraines and have only had a couple since lock down began, I wonder how much of a part the lighting at work plays. Possibly hormones as well, since I also have still not had a period since Disney last August (which has been awesome, though sad at the same time). 

For Canada Day, we didn't even leave the house. Well, I did go get us cold drinks, an iced coffee for me and a slushy drink for him. There were no fireworks, no big celebration. I guess it's good it wasn't the 150 or something? To be honest, we don't really have a lot of plans for the whole of summer. I am bribing him to do some work during the week, which so far has not worked very well. It's pretty easy stuff, I would like to know he is up to speed when school restarts, depending on what that even looks like.

I am very glad that the main floor got decluttered in December, it has made a big difference in being able to enjoy the space a bit. I want to do more work upstairs but keep procrastinating, getting started is the hard part. It needs to be done though. The basement as well but we don't use that as much. It would be nice to get it done so we can move if we choose to, though the places I was looking at moving to are going to probably be out of my budget. And I may miss the backyard? Well the dog will miss the backyard, he loves chasing the bunnies out there. The places aren't quite as close to the walking trail, but not too far. And the park is right there. Hopefully that will open up soon, actually living right there beside it would be hard to resist. 

I have been walking, and working out. And my knees are feeling it. I guess I should have worked to lose more weight before trying any jogging. But the jogging does really feel good in the moment. It makes me feel strong and like I can do anything. The workouts I have been doing also make me feel strong. Though the first few days I also felt sore! It was kind of nice to feel like I had done something. And it improved, I got better at it. In only a few days. 

The province is still slowly moving forward, things have been reopening. I can walk into McDonalds now to order take out, which is nice for us. It's closer to walk than drive. I wear a mask, it makes it easier! Though of course that could kick me in the butt if I don't stick to the points. I hope the city pools open sooner than later, we love to go swimming and it would be nice when the weather is so hot. If the water park doesn't open I will look at going to the one in Quebec, though it's not as nice. We do need some things to do, to get him off the computer and moving would be nice. He has been playing with a friend, but not everyday. That's ok, somedays are better than others.

I have no idea what fall will bring, school's should open to some extent, and if not, well, it will be really hard to get him to do anything. I think if that happens I will have to really step up the bribes, or something. Some fights have not been worth it. My goals are to help him stop breaking things, and learn some emotional control over his anger. I have no idea if we will accomplish that over the summer or not! It would also be really nice if he could fall asleep on his own without me sitting there. Those are my goals for him. My goals for me are all about my health, losing weight, eating better, moving more. And controlling my own temper as well. He does know how to push my buttons. I know that to manage better, I need to take care of myself better. So the walking and exercise are key there. It has been really hot, so the walking has to happen early or very late. Somedays, it's too hot for the dog even early. I do go out myself those days. The dog gets to play fetch in the house and run around inside, thankfully he is small enough that is seems to be just enough. 

I am also working on myself and letting go of what I can't have. I have to let go of my big family dreams. I know it's not practical, I know it doesn't make financial sense. I know my body is done so the choices would be expensive. In my head, I know. In my heart? Oh I wish I could have two more kids, I wish we could be a big family. I have buried my dream in trips instead, and now that trips are off the table for awhile, it brings the family dream back around to my heart. Could I adopt? I don't know. I don't even know that I would really want to be pregnant again, it was not a good experience the first time. So my head should win this battle and perhaps convince my heart what to do, or I guess not do in this case? 

As for the trips, we have two cruises booked in December, but given the mess that the US is at the moment, in particular Florida, I have no idea if we would even be able to travel there. I'm not sure I want to! There is also the November election, what impact that could have. So perhaps we will try an all inclusive this year instead. Or spend another winter in the cold. Hey, if I don't have to drive to work maybe it wouldn't be so bad? And hopefully this work from home thing will be the way going forward, at least most of the time, with perhaps going in to the office on occasion? Honestly? I'd be totally ok with that. And given it looks like kids will only be in classes maybe two days a week, if that, it is probably going to be the way for at least the next school year. 

Tick Tock Time

Only a couple official weeks of school, even though kiddo has not done any work since this started, he will be far behind next fall. There isn't really much I can do about it at this point. I hope he will agree to do something before school restarts but I'm not holding my breath. My dad bought him a laptop. I am not sure why, but at least he isn't using mine any more. He has it up in his room, we'll have to see how well this goes. He has a tendency to break electronics. The camera on his cellphone is cracked. I could replace the phone, I did buy a plan with it so it can be replaced twice a year, but the phone itself still works, so I'm reluctant to do so. I'm kind of waiting for something bigger to go wrong.

Ontario has moved to phase 2, and so we can expand our circle to up to 10 people, so we can officially visit my parents. We're going next weekend for Father's Day. Not sure if my sister will be there as well, I suspect she will. It will be nice to see people again. We can go for haircuts and such, but I did my own so I'll leave it at that for now. I can wait at this point. Pools aren't open... yet, but they can be so hopefully the city will get a plan out there so we can go swimming again! I know it is something Jackson really enjoys. I am hoping the water park will open this summer, but am reluctant to get a season pass, so we'll have to hope it will be easy enough to be able to go. We enjoyed it last summer, and the two at Disney as well. He does love his water slides. 

I've been doing a lot of walking, jogging and other exercise. Trying to eat better, but still haven't really lost much weight. Oh well. I am feeling better, healthier, more energy. I get up and workout before work, and also do a walk in the morning, then again either after work or after dinner, depends on how tired I am. Since I am still only getting 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night, and I really do need more. But I don't like going to bed right when kiddo does, I like a bit of me time after he's in bed. Now that he is on his computer in his room though, perhaps I will get enough time alone and be able to go to bed at a decent time. We'll see!

Time is a strange beast now, we've been off school for so long, working from home and isolated so long. It will be 6 months from his last day until back to school. It's all a bit crazy. The world sure changed fast. Which is good, but also feels a bit artificial, like any moment I will wake up and this will all be over. It feels like the world is still turning but holding it's breath on what will come next. I watch what's happening in other countries and have to admit, I have some worry. 

We have two weeks of cruises booked for December. I am hopeful we can go on them, but also worry that perhaps I shouldn't do it. Not entirely because of COVID. I am considering instead going to an all inclusive, perhaps in January or February. It will depend on if we have to isolate for two weeks when we return, in which case December would be better since we'll probably have two weeks off at Christmas. Though if I can work from home, it wouldn't matter too much for me, just for him missing school. I will continue to watch and see what happens with flights and everything else. I am determined to cruise again though. The all inclusive would have to have water slides, and a beach. I worry he would be bored, but I would be fine with a book (or ebook) and a beach. I am sure we'd manage any way. 

I have a bunch of alarms set, to remind me which days I have to work, which days I have to get up early, when I need to make sure and start dinner. Days, weeks, months are all blurring together. We are comfortable enough here, and the weather seems to be nice enough. I am focusing on the exercise and trying to eat better. I am hoping that in 3 months when I go back to work everyone will be surprised. Even though I know no one will really notice. I am trying to do this, I want to be fit and healthy, I want to be thinner and be able to wear pretty clothes. To feel comfortable. I will get there. 

Nerves

I had booked an appointment with my family doctor for next Monday after work, to ask for the referral to the local fertility clinic. They called this morning to say that the doctor won't be in the office Monday so I have to move the appointment! I asked about today, and ended up going at lunch time. The asking for the referral was quick and easy, he said "I see you want to discuss your fertility, are you trying to get pregnant?" To which I replied "well I'm single so I kind of need that referral before I can try". Ok then. No problem! Now to wait and see how long it takes to get seen. I am hoping not too long as my period is about to start, and if I want to catch the next one for the Day 3 blood work it can't take that long to get in, right?? 


My doctor also asked if there was anything else, then went over all the stuff I said I'd do 3 years ago but didn't :-) like a pap test, and blood work, and a tetanus shot... so now I have to get all that done soon as well. I also asked about what I think is a hernia from my gallbladder removal, and he got me a requisition for an ultrasound. I booked that appointment already, and will do the rest when I get home. Well, the pap and tetanus any way. Blood work I just need to go in fasting, which I will do one day in August that kiddo goes to daycare. Since it's just "regular" blood work it will be testing for all the usual stuff like cholesterol and blood sugars, I am sure cholesterol will be high, and am praying the blood sugars are fine. I am considering doing low carb for a few weeks in preparation... but we'll see if I manage that! I know I need to take better care of myself in general, and am trying to do that, in small steps.


I was a little sad to see my weight, yet another good reason to do the low carb thing, but excited to hear the nurse say I'm half an inch taller than I thought. I suspect she was rounding?  Not sure! Any way. I know the fertility clinic will want me to try and lose weight, I am in the obese category. So I will be continuing to work on that. I know what to do, doing it is the hard part! I am going to get some extra vegetables on my way home from work today, and start with that. I know I need to give up coffee, but am planning to do that when I start my holidays, so one more week of the good stuff then I'll drop it, and switch to herbal teas and such.


I've been taking my CoQ10, and vitamins, just realized the vitamin I bought thinking it was a prenatal is not, so once it's gone I'll need a better one. I am taking another calcium/magnesium/zinc so that is covered, and a B-complex, so I am getting folic acid, but am sure I'm not getting enough iron and probably other things. I'll fix that once this bottle is gone, should only be a couple weeks. I suppose I could check the expiry date and if it's long enough I could put those away and get some prenatals for now, use the regular ones up later. I am debating adding in Maca, which I have sitting on a shelf and have used in protein shakes for breakfast, but I don't really like the taste of it. I also would like to add myo-inositol, but it's expensive! So that one has to wait for pay day. I think that covers everything though, for now any way!


Jackson has been doing well at daycare, he seems to be enjoying it more. And I am attempting to maintain my calm when he's tired and cranky. Just to remember that he is a kid. It is interesting, and I think I am doing well at times, then other times I feel like I've lost it. But I go back to how I felt in the middle of the night when he was almost 2 and he still wanted me to soothe him, it doesn't last! And it didn't last, and now some nights I miss those middle of the night rocking sessions with my baby. They do grow up so fast. I'm sure soon enough he won't want me to put him to bed at night and will want to do it on his own.