To rent or to buy

I've been reading Mayim Balik's book, and it's very interesting, very much about attachment parenting of course.  One thing she says pretty early on is, that is to know the type of parent you want to be.  So I've been thinking about how much time I get to spend with Jackson.  My job is relocating to a new building which will extend my commute, and that means less time with my boy.  Add in his starting school next year, and the new hours I'll have to work to accommodate that, and I'm left with a minor dilemma.  Well it's actually a big problem and I am not sure what to do.

The way I see it I have a few options with where to live, and with work.  So the home options first.  I can stay where I am and just suck it up, we'll have less time together than I'd like but it's more than lots of people get.  We can afford to be here, the school he'll be at is quite good and there is an after school program there for a reasonable price that he will be able to attend.  I'll be able to put him on the bus then pick him up at the school before 6, and voila.  Option 1.

My other choice is to move closer to where the new job will be. I cannot afford to buy there, probably ever, so renting would be the option.  To rent there would cost more than I am paying now, it's doable for us, and the area is pretty great, I have to check the schools still.  I won't be able to go until spring/summer any way, so the option is one I'd have to plan for.  I'd be able to rent a house, as opposed to my townhouse, so a nicer space just in the fact I wouldn't be attached to anyone.  But as I said, it'd cost more, so it would take longer to save up.

The last choice is to maybe try a "rent to own" company, which I've heard not so great things about but sometimes it feels like it's what I'm going to have to do.  In that case I'd end up likely out of town because that's where I'll be able to afford.  So it's an option but not really one I feel strongly about.  Except that it would be nice to only have to move once, and to not be here too much longer. 

For all of these options I really feel like I need to really purge and declutter my home.  There are so many toys, so much stuff, and it just needs to go.  I just don't know where to start.  I think it would be nice to have someone else come over and just start.  I get overwhelmed looking at everything I need to sort through.  I know I should be doing small steps, even 15 minutes a day to just start to get through it.  It's on the to do list.

And now the job.  A couple options here too.  If I could get a job and stay in the building I'm at now it would save me, save me having to move, give me more options of where to live, and give me the permanence in the new position.  That would be ideal but it's not something I have no control over. 

The choices I have control over, are whether to work part time when Jackson starts school in order to not have to put him in after school care.  It would mean a pay cut of course, how much?  I'd have to work that out.  But it might be an option, perhaps it would make me feel better about how much time I can spend with him, since I do want him to go school.

And finally there is the summer's off option, which can be used with the part time option as well.  I work for the government and we have the option of taking time off and spreading the unpaid leave over the year, they call it leave with income averaging, so they spread out the unpaid time and you get a little less every pay but still get paid while you are off on leave.  The benefit will be when he starts school, I won't need childcare for the whole summer, it'll again be a pay cut, but how much? I'll need to check that too I guess.  It's an option I am likely going to take advantage of, but whether I can afford to do both pay cuts is greatly debatable. 

I think that's enough for now, hopefully it all makes sense.  It helps me to write it down and get it out there.  I am tired, tired of my messy home that I can't seem to get a handle on, tired of living here with the closeness of the neighbours, tired of worrying all the time.  I want to be able to make a decision and get on with it.  I know I won't really be able to do that until spring, but if I know that the choice is coming to a certain extent, then I can start the purging, and decluttering, and hopefully the saving to move, and be able to make the decision when the time comes. 

Men are...

Stupid.  At least so it seems to me lately.  There's a guy at work, older, nice, or so I thought.  Over the past year or so he's done odd things, sending me lottery ticket numbers, promising to share the winnings, buying me a gift at Christmas.  A lot of it I thought was because he felt sorry for me, being a single mom seems to be something people feel bad about for some weird reason.  I've been nice in return, it's not like I'm going to be rude.  But it got a little weird when he started avoiding mentioning anything to do with me to his wife, who works on the same floor as me (and him at the time).  He didn't want me to tell anyone if he did something for me. 

Then he came over to see my new car. I thought ok, he doesn't work in the same building any more, so whatever, he can come see the car.  He brought Jackson timbits, and then came in for a bit, which was a little weird but whatever, he came all the way over.  Jackson enjoyed him, as he does anyone who visits and pays attention to him. 

Then last weekend he sent me an email asking if he could come over for dinner, order something in, he'd leave right after we ate.  Ok, weird.  He's married.  That sounded rather datelike to me.  I didn't reply to the email.  We went on our merry way, Sunday at the store doing groceries my phone rang and I answered it. It was him.  Wanted to know if his email had made been inappropriate, then if we could go for coffee.  I said no because I was out doing groceries. And that was it.  But then he emailed me twice.  I never replied. And again this week he has emailed me at work, and I have not replied.  What could I say?  I didn't know for sure he was being an idiot, only that it made me feel uncomfortable and I figured some time perhaps I'd be able to actually say something that wouldn't be mean.

Then tonight he sends me this "When I called last weekend, I was trying to determine if I was bothering you...I guess I'm a little slow. I obv put you in a very uncomfortable position...been fighting whatever it is I have been feeling for a while and was part of the reason I changed jobs. Really didn't want to hurt you...I'll go far away now..."  Umm really?  Perhaps he needs to talk to his wife before deciding how he feels.  Honestly, I don't even know what to say to that, or to say anything at all.  So men are stupid, and I don't like it. 

I have been very happy in my little life, man free. Not having to deal with any of this crap. I like being single, I love being a mom, I love being a single mom and not worrying about men or dating or any of it. I don't want to date, I don't want to be in a relationship.  Even if I did want to date, I certainly would never go for a married man!  And not this man in particular any way.  And being a wuss who hates conflict I don't want to deal with this particular issue.  The man changed jobs to escape me!  Come on. 

I had to write it down, tell "someone".  I worked with him, he knows everyone I know at work and they know him.  It's just so wrong.  Now back to my regular life...

New job

I started my job last week, my new position that is.  I still work for the same government agency, and am still acting a level up, just doing different work and on a different team.  So far so good, I know I can do the work, but I think I've gotten lazy in my old job, used to just doing what I do and not having to think about it too much, so it's a challenge to get back on track and listen again.  I have a new team, so new people to get used to. The one lady I work with now is very umm eager.  She's quite a happy person, very much wants to do a good job, a little over the top but I'm sure I'll get used to it. She's very organized, which is good.  But it will also be an adjustment again because I'm used to basically working alone.  I was happy to have the manager tell me that as soon as the pool is established my temporary level will be permanent.  That is a relief and means I can plan my savings better.

Mea is still not 100%, and I am concerned. I am not sure what to do. I can put her on antibiotics for 3 weeks, see if that helps, but she has lost so much weight, and is not gaining it back. I can feel every bone in her body when I pet her, it makes me feel bad.  I've been trying to get weight back on her, feeding her kitten food, giving her canned food 3 times a day plus leaving dry stuff down for her.  But I'm not sure it's helping enough, she was very sick and I think I took too long to help her.  I will call the vet again, see if she will give the antibiotics without more blood work etc, and see from there. 

I've been pretty good about my budget, have a bit of money saved, and am working on paying off the debt.  I am not sure I'll be able to afford getting pregnant this fall, without going further into debt, and I won't be able to buy a house for at least another year, if not 18 months, so I'm not sure what to do.  I am still loving being a mom, and would love another baby, but we are so comfortable. I wonder how parents decide to have another baby, I mean at first, in the first year or so it was easy, I knew I wanted more, it was all I could think about.  Then time goes by and things get easier, comfortable, and you wonder if you want to disrupt all of that again.  Perhaps too much time goes by.  I guess having the kids closer together would have made more sense.  Or perhaps starting earlier so I had more time to make a decision.  Never mind being 37 and having a hard time keeping up with my boy!  He has so much energy!

So I have a bit of a plan.  I want to keep to my budget on track, lose weight, declutter, and organize my house.  If I can focus on these things for awhile (say 2 or 3 months) then I will be in a position to have another baby if that's what I decide I still want to do.  My home is big enough, it's a rental and there are much larger families than mine living in these places.  But I would still like to buy a house, have more outdoor space, be in a nicer neighbourhood.  I will also need to make a decision about Mea, either way, and go with that.  I don't think she'd survive another baby, and her life is not so great right now as it is.  So that needs to be resolved, and will take some time. 

I'm also working on resolving my thoughts on a second baby or not.  Everything gives me some time to work that all out, and to possibly get to the doctor to get some tests done.  I'm just not sure if I need to go to the fertility clinic to even get the tests done, I know they would be better to interpret the results, but not necessarily needed to get the tests done, at least the blood work.  I am not sure how long I have, I'm 37 now.  My period has changed, though I think that's partly because of my choice to use mama cloth, which is fabulous btw.  My cycle is very regular now, fertility friend gets it right every month... which is kind of nice.  I haven't been temp'ing at all, suppose I should start that.  And once I decide to go ahead I have a list of supplements that can help.  Just not sure if I should be taking them now too.  Need to read more I guess.

Another too short long weekend

The end of another long weekend.  It was a good one.  I had Friday off but because Mea has been on antibiotics we didn't go down until Saturday morning so she could get her last doses.  Saturday morning we went shopping and earned a bunch of points, got some awesome deals and then came home, put it all away and packed up the car.  We left at 9:30 and got to Nanny's just after noon, in time for lunch.  Jackson started talking and didn't stop the whole time.  He was very tired tonight and fell asleep super quick in his own bed.  I guess he also likes being in his own bed, like me.  I will also sleep very tonight I'm sure.  I have tomorrow off as well, it was a last minute decision and I'm not keeping him home.  My plan is to get some purge and decluttering done.  Hopefully I can do a good job.  And maybe take a nap :-)

Jackson was really good at my parent's.  We went for brunch on Sunday, it was a buffet and he did quite well.  He ate quite a bit and enjoyed it.  We drove my new car and my parent's said it's quite roomy and comfy for them too.  I'm enjoying the car, it's nice to be in something safe and with great mileage.  I also liked the way it drove on the highway.  And it put Jackson to sleep pretty quickly too.

On Mea - she is actually doing better.  Amazingly. I am still a little surprised, and also feeling slightly guilty.  If it was the antibiotics that helped, if I had done them sooner she'd have been well sooner. However I can't change that so we are just moving forward.  I'm feeding her at least one extra time a day the canned food, and bought her some kitten food to put some weight back on her. I am going to call the vet tomorrow to see if I can take her in to get weighed, I don't want an appointment, just to see if she's putting weight back on.  I think she is but she still has a way to go.  She needs to beef up though so she can build her muscle and be able to play again.  She is still staying low and sleeping more, but she is so much better at walking again, still a little weak but I'm thinking that's the weight loss and muscle loss. 

And that's about it I think.  Money is yucky, I am trying to stick to budget but between the cat and the car things are not going as well as I'd like.  Hopefully it's going to get better soon.  I have a bit of a stockpile of things happening, things I need but sometimes spend too much on, that I got on good sales with coupons too.  We have food to last at least a month, minus the milk which of course we need to buy fresh, and some veggies and fruit, but even fruit I have some frozen that can do if needed, same with veggies I guess.  And of course weight loss is not happening either, need to do something about that now.  All in all though it means baby 2 is probably another year off... by then I'll have the SP8 job permanently so money will be better, and last mat leave will be paid back, and hopefully we'll be in a position to be buying a house... at least that's the plan now!