Babies and little ones

We have been having a nice summer, had a pleasant trip to my parent's, doing some relaxing things around home. Kiddo is playing with his toys, being imaginative and creative. Today we went to an SMC bbq. It was nice to see other ladies with kids on their own. I think everyone there today had a kid, there were no thinkers or tryers this time. Jackson didn't really have a lot of fun, he is a little shy, and there were a lot of little ones around. A few kids his age came later, and he did have a bit of fun, but he didn't do as much as I expected. It is funny to see so many little ones. And to see the other moms. There was one with two kids, one who was trying for the second, actually two I think, and many who were one and done. I had fully intended to go to the doctor and get a referral this summer, get checked out at least and know if my chances are slim. Whenever I get around all the other kids, I start thinking again. It's funny because I remember going to another get together and all these little ones were not born yet or not walking yet, and now here they are. Time flies by. My son is less than 4 months from turning 6. He would be at least 6 years older than a sibling, and would he be resentful? Would it be too hard? I don't know.

Yesterday we went swimming at the local pool and it was nice, the water was warm and it wasn't too busy. We had fun. But if I'd had another kid to watch, not sure it would have happened. It would have been a lot harder for sure. I think I should have done it two years ago. I think that would have been a good gap in age, and it would have worked out. Now, I'm not sure. Again.

Of course I keep taking my supplements, and doing the things I should be doing, tracking my cycle, taking my temperature, but it could all be for nothing. I feel like I am getting old. In 15 years I will probably be able to retire, but not if I have a teenager. But I don't have a lot of time, and I just can't let go of it completely. There is this part of me that is hoping something will happen to make it all clear. A sign of some sort that will appear and say "do this".

I miss having a baby, I even miss diapers, and bottles, and carrying a little one everywhere. I think I would be more relaxed about some things this time, less stressed over whether I am doing the right thing, making the right choices. And I would be better prepared for some things, like a lack of sleep. And staying healthy, and doing things. But am I giving something up that I would regret? Will it be too much work? Too much for my own health? Too difficult with two of such different ages. I'm not sure.