Saturday, April 6, 2013

feels like a breaking point

I am not sure if there is some hormonal pms type issue going on, but in addition to that, I have to say, I am so tired.  Tired of the bedtime fights, and the difficulty that goes with it.  I am tired of my dog, tired of my boy trying my patience and me losing it.  I just don't know what to do any more, it feels like I am angry and upset way more than I need to be, more than I want to be.  I just don't understand it any more.

I still love being a mom, and love my son. But boy oh boy, does he know how to push my buttons, and sometimes he seems to do it on purpose. Like bedtime tonight, he finally went upstairs, then went and hid in my closet instead of going into the bathroom to pee, brush his teeth and get his pj's on.  I tried counting, he eventually started crawling towards the bathroom, ok at least he was moving in the right direction, but then, he kept going, right on past it.  Umm no. So I grabbed him, put him in the bathroom and sat him on the potty. He started to scream at me, I mean the high pitched screech that everyone can hear. At that point I lost it. I screamed right back... yeah how wonderful. He kept crying, I got him ready for bed, his teeth brushed, and carried him into his room.  I told him I'm done with this nonsense and he knows better.  He kept crying. I told him I lost my temper, he told me to put it back.  Yeah... I'm getting temper advice from my kid. I ended up reading him a story and saying good night.  I didn't bring the monitor down tonight. I will go up and check on him again shortly, but I don't hear any screaming. Not sure if I would or not from down here. 

Something needs to change, this can't go on. I don't like being angry, I take it out on the dog.  Poor dog, he got a walk today but certainly not daily. He gets ignored, and I feel like I'm neglecting him. I don't even know what to do about that, do I try and re home him?  He's 7 but probably have another 10 years in him. He is probably not the best dog to have with kids, he has nipped at Jackson, like a herding dog, which of course I don't like, and he barks a lot.  But he's very much my dog, though I think he's been changing that a bit as well. He will go for a walk with other people. Is it fair to try and find him a new home?  Probably not.  Is it fair to keep going with him as is?  Definitely not. What to do? I'll have to figure that out I guess.  Soon too.

I had naively hoped that moving would help with the sleep issues, perhaps help my temper as well. But I know it will take more, that I need to change things up, to let something go. When I was at my wits end with the night time bottle feeding, I ended up having to let it go, it got to a point where I simply realized I had to embrace it, and that helped. I am not sure if that is even possible in this case, I do know that I have to do something though, some change or we'll both suffer for it. We already are really. 

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