November Ending

 This year is going very fast, and very slow at the same time. I think most people are feeling the same thing. At least it is the Holiday season. Christmas is coming up soon, I'm not at all ready, but I have started at least. I have an idea of what to get everyone who needs to be bought for. Time just seems to be moving fast, Jackson is growing up a lot. Work is the same, day by day. I wish I had more time off but I am trying to save most of it for when things are back to normal and we can travel. I will have two weeks off over Christmas at least, and a day off on Jackson's birthday. My parents are dropping off gifts next week, so I need to wrap what I got for them, and hope it's enough. It's not much this year, shopping was tricky as I didn't want to go out much to do it. I need to get a few more things for Jackson, his birthday is covered but I feel like I haven't gotten him enough for Christmas yet. I'll work on that after his birthday. A lot of smaller things this year, no one big gift. I know he wants a gaming PC but there is no way I'm spending that much on one thing this year! I promised him one when I get my back pay in May-ish. When we will also hopefully be moving. 

Everything feels very stuck, stuck in waiting mode. I am waiting for this or that before moving forward. It's hard, hard because of covid, and not being able to see family or friends, but also hard because I want so many things and I feel like I have wasted so much time already. I've been trying to do what I can, the Christmas ornaments are mostly sorted and some are gone. I need to work on the basement more, it's become a dumping ground for stuff. Yet I also worry about getting rid of all the baby stuff when I want another one. But I can always replace things I guess. I don't want to pay to move things we don't need. Starting in January we'll be saving more money, which will be hardest on kiddo, he is not used to being denied. He's already pushing me for things he wants and I say it's too close to his birthday/Christmas and we don't have extra money for that now, he gets very mad. His allowance is never enough. 

I've been eating keto for almost a week now. I feel good about it. My stomach is a lot happier after the first day or so. Keeping it up will be tricky for the next week or so, I plan to cheat on Christmas for dinner, maybe. After that it should be smoother sailing. At least I hope so! While I hope it will let me lose some weight, it is also so I feel better, which I normally do when I stick to it. I just have to stick to it. 

I have no trips planned for 2021. Obviously we don't know when vaccines or anything will be happening so I haven't got any travel plans. We have a cruise booked for 2022, which has been changed apparently, without notifying me. I am not sure how I feel about the new changes, the ship and itinerary have changed, even the dates. We'll see. Perhaps they will offer something eventually. And if I were to decide to do something about having another baby I may not be able to go any way. We also have a cruise booked for 2023, and those I am really looking forward to. With a baby or not. 

I still want to hold a baby in my arms, even if it means being pregnant and giving birth, and being broke for ages. Jackson said he doesn't want a baby brother (he insists it will be a boy no matter what) who is that much younger than him, but he also kind of wants a brother. He's be happier if we adopt, but I'm not sure I can go through all of that. Though it might cost less, it is so much extra work and invasive. Plus, I wouldn't get a baby. Though given my health and reproductive status I'm not sure a baby is possible any way. Whether I can afford it or not. In any case, my priorities now are staying keto, decluttering the house, and moving. 

Why move though? Our place is decent, I am sure the landlord would fix the things that are problems if needed. I just don't care of having yard work, and shoveling, and would like a change, new start. Perhaps a place that's a bit more updated, easier to clean, with new schools to choose from. Should he go back to school. Close enough to work that I can go if I have to. Though I do hope I'll be able to continue working from home indefinitely. The places I am looking at are probably smaller than this place, two people don't need so much space. Even if I have a baby, there should be a way to do that. Some of them have 3 bedrooms, similar to this place but a different, more open, layout, and better finishes. Perhaps no finished basement, but I don't think that will be a problem. They probably all cost more than here though. But not by much. 

Jackson needs better friends. The only kids he is still in touch with, he plays on line with and one of them is just not a nice kid. The other one is ok except for the influence of the other. And the boy who lived down the street, moved. Far. It's harder since he's not going to school. But he always had difficulties with friends. I am hoping we'll be able to figure something out if we move, perhaps he will meet other kids, even if I put him in school for a year or whatever, so he can make friends. I'll figure it out. I know if we stay here and he goes to the high school with all those kids, he'll never branch out to the other kids. And he needs better friends. 

November is almost done for another year. One more month to go! Then finally 2020 is over. Apparently the vaccines should be available and distributed by September next year. I will remain hopeful that it actually happens like that. Perhaps I'd plan a last minute trip for Disney or something. Or get pregnant. Who knows! 

It's Beginning to Look Like Winter

 Snow is falling. We put up the tree, I decorated most of it, he helped a bit. It's boring I guess! I have put on all the ornaments that I really like, but it looks plain. I am wondering how much more I should put on there! And which colours. We have some assorted colours as well as some pink and purple ones. Hopefully the cats will leave it standing for 5 or 6 more weeks I guess. The new tree is a nice size at least, and the lights are fun, they can do different things but I have them on multi coloured. I'll have to get rid of whatever ornaments we don't really need any more. We do have too many! 

The snow may need to be shoveled tomorrow, we'll see. It is really coming down. I guess winter has decided to settle in! I still need to get Jackson new boots. It's easier to forget these things when we don't go out much. I'll order some this week and hope they fit him. I ordered a new snow coat, but still need to find snowpants. I am not sure how much he will play outside this winter any way, his friend down the street has moved away. Hopefully we'll still be able to go out and play, but he will be missing out on his recess friends. Of course with rates going up who knows how much longer schools will be open, even if he was going. 

I was reading back over my blog, for the past 9 years I've been wanting to give Jackson a sibling. Nine years! Why didn't I do something sooner? A message to anyone who reading who is thinking, do try! Go for it. Take a leap and don't wait for things to be perfect. With the shut downs going on, and my sad bank account, I am focusing on getting my health (weight) in better shape and saving up. I will be doing a no spend challenge in January/February, no eating out, nothing other than groceries, gas for the car and pet supplies. I will give Jackson his allowance of course, he'll get mad if he doesn't get it. But otherwise, nothing extra. Except my birthday, I will order dinner that night, I don't want to cook on my birthday! 

Hopefully I will be ready to do something in May, when I expect to get my back pay, possibly move, and have enough saved. I believe, because I am old and my eggs are dead, I will need to be on hormones for a few months to bring my cycle back and then I should be good to go. I may need to go back on synthroid, so by March or so I will talk to my doctor to get that going. Until then I am going to try and enjoy things as they are, and get ready. 

Kittens and puppies

 I think I have always had a pet of some sort. As long as I can remember I have had a dog or a cat, usually a cat. At least one. I am more of a cat person but have also had dogs, currently have one and three cats. I sometimes think we have too many but then I actually want more. Just how I want more babies. It seems every time the urge to grow my family has hit I have gotten another pet. 

I have been watching an awful lot of Christmas romances, and romantic comedies. It is kind of funny because while I think the romance part is sweet, and of course so contrived, it is the ones with babies that make me happy. I watched a show where a 3 week old baby is left on a door step and oh my but my heart sang for that. I wonder if this will ever go away. I mean my body is done with it, at only 45 I am menopausal. Only 45? I don't feel like I am old. Though I do also feel like my body is old. I don't take very good care of myself I guess. My arm has been aching and my knees/hips often ache as well. I don't move enough, and certainly eat too much. Whether that is eating my feelings, boredom or what, who knows. 

Shortly after I had Jackson, I knew I wanted another one. But thought it shouldn't be done. A single mom having more babies? Who does that? Lots of mom's apparently. But I worried about money, and cost. Funny thing is it would have cost me a couple thousand, if that, to do an IUI or two or three. And now, here I am wanting it still, and knowing it will cost me much more. By the time I could afford it now, I'd probably be over the age limits for all the clinics. And what would my family say? Could I even still ask my sister to be a guardian when she is even older than I am? What would Jackson do? He's been an only child for a long time, and he likes all the attention. A baby would be hard, I'd be tired, they need a lot, they are expensive. But oh my heart aches. And I wish I had done something more at 41 when I went to the clinic. 

The thing is, if we hadn't done the trips we have gone on, I'd have had the money and more. Those trips were rather amazing though and we enjoyed them all so much. I want to do more! How could I do that with a baby? I'd not want to go on a cruise until that baby is 2 at least, and Disney would be hard. Jackson loves the coasters but babies can't go on them. It wouldn't be fair for him to have to be alone on them all. 

I considered adoption but that process is long and difficult, and I am just not sure I can do it. Or how Jackson would handle it. It could cost a lot less, even be free. As much as I didn't like being pregnant, or giving birth, I did love having a baby. Even though I have so many moments when I think I am terrible at being a mom, I know most mom's feel that way at times too. And honestly, Jackson is a lot but he is a good kid and doing so much better without the pressure and school stuff. 

So again, I'm cleaning up the house, getting rid of a lot of stuff and better organizing what remains. Also, trying to move more and eat better. I bought so many veggies and fruits. I can't decide between keto which I know works and makes me feel so good but is so hard to stick to, and weight watchers, which allows me to eat whatever I want but I hardly lose anything on, and is so easy to cheat with. As winter is descending on us, cooler weather rolling in, winter parking bans possible, and just wanting to not be a complete sloth, I have to pick one. And stop ordering so many meals. As yummy as they are. 

I have a hard time falling asleep. I wonder sometimes if my routine of sitting with kiddo while he fell asleep had an impact on my own sleep. I toss and turn for an hour or more every night, even when I stay up late to try and be more tired. Is that the menopause? Probably not entirely. Though I blame that for the fact I am hot at night so much. Maybe if I exercise more? Do yoga? Something? I had a month or two over summer where I was doing so well, and then it fell apart. Maybe that would help my sleep? 

Now, I just have to avoid getting another kitten. And stick to my plans. For once.  

November

 A new month. So far, we've had snow followed by a week of high teens (Celsius). Weather is messed up but I am glad the snow is gone. It did remind me I need to get boots for Jackson. Normally I'd remember because of school but with him not going, it hasn't been on my mind. I think he'll need new snow pants as well, because I bet he will want to do something outside this winter. I have already started Christmas shopping as well, and since I get paid this week I'll do a little more towards that. We got a new tree, bought on Halloween, and I want to pare down the ornaments so we only keep one bin of stuff. The more I can get rid of, the better! Perhaps I will move in spring, or maybe not, who knows. 

Of course, as with the rest of the world, we watched the election results from the states. It was fascinating to watch, and lead to many interesting conversations. Comparing the way an election happens in the US to Canada. I'd call that a really good social studies lesson. With the results, I do feel a bit more hopeful we will be able to travel to Disney again someday. Not sure when, still have to watch covid cases come down, and the border to open, but someday. 

Unschool has been going ok. He is learning, which is always good to see. I wish it was more of what I think is important but that isn't really the point of this so we will keep going. Not sure what will happen next year, I don't think he'll want to go. And I am also not sure where we will be living. 

I have choices to make, so many things I want and wish for, not enough time and money for all of them. I seem to be terrible at making a choice and sticking to it! Follow through. Perhaps I have a bit of ADHD myself... I am trying to focus on the things that don't require a choice, that could lead in any of a number of directions. So, declutter more, get rid of some more stuff. Including the basement. I also need to get back on track with eating healthier and moving more. I have been very lazy lately. I did walk the dog a bit this weekend with the nice weather, but I fell off the exercise wagon hard. I need to start back on my walking, even 20 minutes a day would be good. I know I can do it. 

Cleaning up, getting rid of things, can be helpful if we decide to move, or stay, or add to the family. That's why it's important to me right now. I have maintained about 90% of what I did last year with the declutter lady. Some things are messy again, but it would be easy to tidy up if people were coming over. However I have not made any further progress really. Though I did do a bit of work upstairs in the guest room, mostly because kiddo wanted to put his computer in there. Which lasted about a month. 

My own health, well that is important regardless of what I want to do in the future, if we want to travel I will be fit and better able to do more. If we want to add to the family, I'll be in better shape to do that. If we just want to be more active, I'll be able to do that. Though I still don't like sports. I'll be buying more groceries this week, healthy things that will hopefully lead to healthy meals and not ordering in. I still don't like cooking. 

Less than two months to the end of this weird year. I wonder what 2021 will hold? hopefully calm and health.