Tempers

I am not sure if it's his age, or something else, but lately Jackson has been quite quick to anger, and it has me on edge, which makes me quick to anger as well. Even on our trip we both got angry at one another. I try to give him choices in things, but of course things like bedtime and going to school are non-negotiable. He has been using some bad words, and speaking in mean tones, I am used to him calling me stupid or an idiot if he doesn't get his way but it seems more and just beyond what I can tolerate. We had a big blow up today, I ended up carrying him to his room and holding the door closed while he banged on it and yelled at me from the other side.

It ended when I told him if his behaviour continues I will take action. And it ended in cuddles. It started when he asked me to fix a toy, I tried and it didn't work. He called the toy stupid, hit me, threw the toy, called me names, and tried to kick me. I told him the next time it happens the toy he's upset over will be going away. And if I hear it happens at school or daycare, any type of temper tantrum like that, no TV for the night. Which is honestly as much punishment for me as him.

I also told him he had to eat dinner with me at the table, which caused another melt down. He likes to eat in front of the tv. I like to read while I'm eating. Neither are good habits of course, but I've always liked to read while I'm eating. So it's hard for me to enforce something I don't really want to do. But I did it. For at least a few minutes and mouthfuls any way. We will stretch the time until he's at the table for the whole meal. I hope.

I have been trying not to yell. I try and follow Dr Laura Markham's Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids. But somedays... oh somedays I just lose it and yell. I can hear myself saying things to him that I know are not the right choice. I am sarcastic, and I do sometimes say things to him that he doesn't understand. I know I need to work on my own response. I think it is harder because there is no other adult here to step in, so if I am losing it, there is no backup, no way for me to escape. I have tried to walk away, he follows me.

I think I need to take better care of myself. I am trying, but it can be difficult to spend the energy on myself when it takes so much to keep us on track. I have not been getting up early enough to exercise, I know I need to. It makes me feel better and of course could help me lose some weight. I have been taking time after work, before I go get him from daycare. I feel guilty about it but he enjoys playing at the park with the other kids, they get outdoor time after school. He tends to not eat the daycare offered snack, so then is starving by the time I get him, and it takes longer to get dinner on the table. A whole hour extra I leave him there. And still when I pick him up he doesn't want to go. I guess that hurts. Well I know it does but it shouldn't? Why do the other kids run to their parents, happy to leave, and mine has a fuss and wants to stay. I must be doing this all wrong, maybe he's right and I am stupid.

Then later he will be loving and want cuddles and to be close to me. He doesn't want me to leave at bedtime, wants to talk then. I believe we are lacking some connection, I try and maintain it and build it but I guess I need to do more. I find it hard, I love my son of course! He is smart and funny, he is also very active, and wants to be with me and talking, all the time. I am a quieter person, I like to read and relax. I do things for him because I know he likes to. Like going to the park, I hate it, he loves it, we do it. And I also know I need to get that exercise back on track, when I am active I want to be active. How silly is that, yet that's the way it works.

So I am trying, trying to not yell, to walk away instead of losing my temper. I am going to get active, and focus on eating better, for both of us. And there will be consequences for his losing his temper with me. I am tired of being yelled at myself, and I do not like who I become when he treats me like that. I know he's 6, and he doesn't really understand, but if he doesn't learn it now, when will he?

I'm also reading, a lot. I got a few books from the library and have a few more ordered. All about conscious parenting, simplifying, and I am hoping it will all work out. One step requires getting rid of toys... Jackson has a lot of toys. Way too many. I know this. I find it frustrating and irritating. So while he goes to my parent's in July, I will be boxing up toys. I know he will be angry about it when he gets home. I am not throwing them out (except the broken ones or ones he has outgrown), so they will be in boxes or bins, stored away and to be exchanged with the ones I leave out. He can choose to swap them or I can to mix things up. I hope it will help keep the house clutter free. I will also be trying to declutter my own things, it's only fair after all.