Goodbye 2021

 The past two years have been trying. I know we are much better off than many people, I didn't lose my job and have been able to work from home, kiddo was old enough to get vaccinated sooner than later, we managed to do well in the big picture. But oh it has been trying. Homeschooling did not go very well really, but when he finally went back to school it didn't last as long it should have. He has been missing a lot of days. I hope that he will get back when it starts back up again. Ontario has delayed that by two days, I'm not sure what that is supposed to do but there it is. I have to get back to work on Tuesday and we'll have to get back on a proper sleep schedule before then. Staying up late and sleeping in isn't the best, but sleeping in sure is nice. 

Christmas was quiet, we stayed home as my sister didn't want to hold a get together. There were a few presents, just enough I think. And we'll end up with just over two weeks of vacation, at home. Together. Just the two of us. That is one thing that I wish would get better. He has many anxiety issues that he refuses to address, and I can't help with when he won't let me. So there is no going to play with friends or even being able to play online with no monitor. We need to work on that, so he can go to school without worrying, and eventually be able to fly again without getting sick. Since he refuses to actually speak to the psychologist himself it becomes more difficult, I have to get him to listen to the advice coming from me. I wish he'd just go to one or two sessions himself, perhaps he'd find it helpful and want to continue on himself, leaving me out of the middle of it. Any way. We will work on this and hopefully he'll be able to go on whatever trip we have next, and go to school everyday. 

I wish we had moved, it would be nice to be a nice new place, but we've saved some money, which we've then spent on eating out (or ordering in I guess) and going on the quick trip to Disney. I am very glad we went on that, even though it's hard to remember it at all. Given the current variant, and everything else, I am worried we won't be able to cruise in March. As much as I really want to cruise. I guess we'll have to see, still have a few weeks to decide on what to do. My landlord is raising the rent, which is fair, and it's still lower than any comparable place nearby. It's hard in this area if I want to keep him in the school. 

Olaf is adorable, and quite a handful. He is doing better with the other cats. He gets along with the dog. Still has to sleep in his room most nights, he is just a lot at night and chases poor Elsa from my room which isn't fair to her. Hopefully he'll be good in a few more weeks, and we'll keep trying. He naps on the couch with KitKat now at least, and sometimes Snickers, but everyone loves Snickers. I love all the pets, they are all so cute and make me smile. 

A new year starts tomorrow. What will 2022 bring? No real ideas, I hope we get to travel again, I hope covid goes away or at least we learn to live with it more than we have been, no more lock downs. We are both vaccinated, I've been boostered as well. I am glad I'll still be able to work from home, I hope Jackson will get back to school and continues to do well. I need to cook more, buy less, declutter more, replace a few things, stick to a budget and move more. A lot more. 

I hope we are able to get away for March break, and in August. Perhaps we will move, but that's not a guarantee at all. Losing some weight would be nice, the moving more will help with that I think. And hopefully that will help with snoring, and energy. I should keep a better sleep schedule as well, and would like Jackson to have a better one as well. 

In the end, it will be another year, they continue on. 

A quick vacation

 With so many changes to travel, and the US requiring vaccination to travel there (but not recognizing my mixed vaccines as vaccinated, at least originally) I decided to plan a quick trip to Disney for the end of October. The plan was to get a second dose of Pfizer so I'd be considered vaccinated, and thus able to travel once those rules were in place (and to cruise as well). Turns out, I didn't need to, but by the time those rules were updated, our trip was well booked and within a few days so... we went for it. 

We flew to Orlando on Oct 25, what a mess that was! Our flight was delayed almost 2 hours due to security/customs problems in Toronto. We did make it, very late. We still went to Epcot, and kiddo rallied for the food. We enjoyed food/wine well the food any way, and a couple rides. It was a short evening and we went back to the hotel to swim before bed. We stayed onsite, at Pop Century, and it was fun to ride the skyliner and be back at our happy place. Kiddo still has serious anxiety over flying, and throws up constantly. I mean he started before we even got in the car to head to the airport. Coming home was even worse, and such a long day, but our next trip at least has direct flights so that will be a big help I think.

We went to all the parks, had a great time, did all the rides we like and it was only busy our last day. We still got to ride lots and of course we ate a lot. Kiddo eats more than I had budgeted for so that was a bit of a problem, but we'll manage to get it figure out and make up for that now. We had a lot of fun, though it is hard to believe we haven't even been home a week yet. It feels like we never even went, and is a bit of a strange situation to me. I hope our next trip, which will be longer, will be something I feel better about afterwards.

We got back on Halloween and Jackson was feeling too poorly to trick or treat, so no candy at this house! Probably a good thing. I do think I lost a few pounds while there from all the walking, and trying to eat smaller kid meals myself (to save money and it was just too hot to eat much some days). I did have a few adult drinks, which I must say was kind of nice, I never do that at home, but it was nice to have something fun and certainly helped me relax a little bit at some times. 

Of course Jackson has a stuffy nose and seems to have caught something, I just can't imagine where or what. We were tested for covid before flying home, and wore masks and used lots of hand sanitizer the whole trip. The day we flew home we were masked for 12 hours or so in airports and flights. I haven't taken him for another covid test, yet. If it continues or gets worse I will. I wasn't feeling the best yesterday but am much better today so it may have been stress related. Work has been incredibly frustrating lately, with a few team members leaving in short order and no one fully trained to replace them so work is taking a lot longer to do. I hope that will improve soon. Thought this coming week will be hard, I got called for Jury Duty (!!!!) Tuesday, and am off the rest of the week as well, so I only work Monday, which may cause some extra stress for my team mates, which will worry me. Any way. I am sure it'll all be fine and hopefully I get excused from Jury Duty in short order. Since I have no faith at all in the justice system, and am single mom to a young child (is he still considered young at 11? I think so), I hope it will be a quick conversation and they'll let me leave. I hope it isn't an all day thing. I get a panic attack just thinking about it, so am trying not to dwell on it at all.

We are still hoping to move in the spring, but I am not sure about costs and all of that. I will have to wait and see how much we spend on the March Break cruises, flights for that are already booked at least and the pay in full date got moved to 30 days before the cruises, so mid-February, which gives me some time to save up a bit more and, perhaps, enjoy Christmas. Though I am not keen to over spend on anything right now, and the whole supply chain issues, from groceries to stuff, is obviously going to be a problem. Prices keep going up, even the dogs food has increased quite a bit, never mind the cats food. And we need a new cellphone plan, Jackson's phone is broken, and our plans are at the two year mark shortly so I want to get us new phones, and a new provider. Our current one rather sucks in coverage, so a new one would be good. I hope so any way. I know we still have to pay to the end of the contract, late November, but that is sooner than you think. 

Any way. We had a great trip, I hope I can buy the pictures next week but we'll have to see, and I do hope we haven't caught something bad. We are both vaccinated so I am not worried about dying or something, just inconvenience. In any case, life goes on and I am glad we were able to travel and get back to some sort of normalcy. It can only improve from here. 

Back to School

 Jackson went back to school on Tuesday. He has one friend in his class, but a few other kids he knows as well. So far he seems to be enjoying it. But he doesn't eat much while he's there, he has a big "snack" when he gets home. Today that was two plates of leftover chicken fried rice. Then half a pizza for supper an hour later. So that will be fun. I am glad he is doing well so far. Math is his least favourite class, of course, and he loves gym. The gym teacher is his fav as well, and also teaches Science and History, so he has her twice a day every day. Other than homeroom, followed by Language, the rest of his classes are all mixed up. He has math, language and gym daily, then French, history, geography, science, religion/family life make up the rest, 6 classes a day, two then snack, two then lunch/recess, two then done! He is allowed to have his phone, and texts me between classes and at lunch. It's super cute and I love that he fills me in on what's going on. 

I have to admit, it has been really nice to have him gone during the day while I work. I do take him to school and pick him up, though he walked home today. It is good. I like having the house to myself, the first couple days I was off work and it was really nice. I miss "me time". Tonight he is off playing basketball with friends, probably done soon as it's getting dark. I will see how the weekend goes, he goes for his second covid shot on Saturday but otherwise we have no real plans, maybe laundry? I'm sure he will want to play basketball. Maybe go for a hike in the woods. It's still warm and the leaves haven't started to change yet. I'm sure that is coming soon enough.

Now that I am home alone all day, I want to have a nicer space for working. It's a bit of a mess, and while it doesn't really matter if there is no separate room since no one else is home, I'd just like it to be a little better. I will need to figure out the layout of the room, I don't want to move upstairs since I still want the guest room to be a cat room for Olaf over night. I will also need to fit in the cat wheel when it comes. And I have some things to get sold, but still need to sort out a couple things before I can sell them. I was waiting for school to start and see what's what. I should be able to take some time this weekend, and week, to work on that.

I do think the year away from the school system was good for him. And me. I know he will do ok this  year, and I will advocate for him whenever I need to. He is learning things, and making some friends. He looks forward to trying out for basketball in February, and I wonder if there will be any other teams he wants to try out for. I hope so, but not sure. 

KitKat and Olaf napping together

The last summer hurrah

 Soon it will be back to school. We are hopeful it will go well, and I am really hoping kiddo stays and doesn't let his anxiety overwhelm him. I think he is looking forward to it to a certain extent, at least seeing his old friends and playing at lunch, doing sports as well. The summer weather has cooled, but it's still pretty nice. Yesterday we took the day and went back to the water park, it was a lot quieter than when we went at the start of summer. We had a lot of fun, went on quite a few slides, and he had a lot of fun doing certain ones over and over with little wait. My feet and calves are so sore today from all the walking and stairs. We also got a little sunburned. But it was a super fun day. 

Now we have a few more days, and then it's back to it! I have the first couple days off when he goes back, so I'll be taking him to school those days. I also have some errands to run, and cleaning to do. His room will get a deep clean, he has been keeping it a bit tidy but things get messier over time and it seems to be where water bottles to go to get lost. I look forward to getting things clean and sorted, his room and the main living space. I need to make room for a cat wheel. When we got Olaf, our new bengal, and with our other cats, a cat wheel seemed like a good investment. Hopefully it'll fit in here somewhere. I may have to get rid of a few more things, I had planned to sell some of the toy storage so just need to actually try and do that. 

I think we will move in the spring, depending on how winter goes. Over the winter I will probably try and replace a few things, get rid of others. I'll need to keep distracted from the fact I probably won't be able travel for awhile still. This whole mixed vaccine thing is just making me upset. No one even bothers to make it look like they are doing anything to help. I am worrying about our March break cruises, and if we can't do them then I don't know what we'll be able to do instead, because I really must get away this winter. We will both be vaccinated and I just can't imagine we won't be able to finally travel. Even at the water park yesterday he was saying how much he can't wait to travel again. We miss cruising. I have a lot of vacation banked to use, just need to be able to travel!

Work has been busy, I covered for my boss for a couple weeks, that was too much. I have no desire to be a manager. At all. Now it's back to it, as people wind down their holidays and we move into a busy fall. One team member is leaving so it's the time to shuffle things and Lean the process. I am very excited, and know my manager is behind me. The changes are small but with a big impact. I do love Lean and getting rid of unnecessary steps. I feel like I'll finally be able to get this work into shape so anyone can step in and do the job. For now I am not looking to change positions. They are still allowing us to work from home, and I hope that I will be able to continue doing so forever. If the current boss has a problem with it, I will likely look for something else that will allow it. 

Visiting the doctor

 Summer is well underway, we've had HOT temperatures and then a few colder days, and now back to the heat. This week is vacation for me, along with next week. Sadly it's been pretty crappy so far. Our plans got torpedoed by a strange bump on Jackson's cheek, near his ear/jawline, that gradually became a swollen cheek. It started Monday, Tuesday I called the family doctor but was told he couldn't get a phone appointment until Wednesday. I called Wednesday at 8 when they opened and got an appointment to talk to the nurse practitioner at 9:15, sent some pictures and waited. At 9:30 we talked to her, answered questions and they set up an appointment to see the doctor (not his, he is on vacation this week as well). Went at 5:15 for that, apparently by then he had spiked a fever which made them give me dirty looks, well gee, it's likely an infection which tend to come with fevers so maybe prescribe some antibiotics so we can get that started? Nope, sent us off to the children's hospital. 

We went home to let the dog out since I knew it would be a long time sitting there, and off we went. By the time we got there, and parked, and found the doors, it was 6:45. We stood in line to get triaged, which was well over 30 minutes, they gave him a dose of advil for the fever, and sent us to the waiting room. We found seats and then waited. And waited. At 10:30 they put us in a room to see the doctor. I guess there was only one working because it was about 1 AM before we saw him. He did what the other doctor did, until I asked him about the ultrasound we were supposed to be there to get, and he kind of went "oh, ok, since that's why you are here". Couldn't see anything. Gave us a prescription, tried to give him a dose of antibiotics there but Jackson was throwing up by that point so I just took it home. He threw up before we got into the emergency room, and again after the doctor checked him out. And again in the car on the way home. By then it was all anxiety and worry, the family doctor told him he might have to do a covid test and he was very worried about that. So far we haven't had cause to be tested, and he wasn't there either. 

All to say, it was 8 hours from arriving at the hospital to getting home after 2 AM. Very tired but also wired and unable to really sleep, and hungry since we didn't have dinner. This all meant we didn't go to the water park again as we'd planned, and our trip to Toronto next week was iffy, but he really wants to go so I didn't cancel it. Now we hope for nice weather and the antibiotics to work. The swelling is coming down, he no longer looks like half a chipmunk, but he is still having trouble eating because it "feels weird". 

I have to say, I was unimpressed with the whole thing, this visiting the doctor in the age of Covid is really irritating. I also feel bad, I should have taken him to the hospital on Monday or Tuesday when it started. But there is nothing there, no marks, no obvious injuries or infections. I guess we'll never really know what caused it but I have said maybe we need to focus a little more on tooth brushing than we have been, and get some mouth wash or something to help? I don't know. 

At least he's been good about the antibiotics, reminds me when it's time for his mid day dose. Today I had a very bad migraine and was very out of sorts. Tomorrow we have no real plans, will probably do some cleaning and reorganizing. Sunday we go to my parents to drop off the dog and then Monday morning we head to the Toronto Zoo, followed by some shopping, time at the hotel (hope we can go swimming) and Tuesday to Wonderland. Which I hope goes well and the weather cooperates. Wednesday we go back to my parents to get the dog and come home. If he's feeling better we'll see about the water park on Thursday or Friday. I don't really want to go on a weekend if we can avoid it. And this is it for summer holidays, I didn't take a month off like I used to. 

I am really looking forward to the time away, even if we have to wear masks and I have to drive in Toronto. It has been a long time, we went there for one night last year but even less was open. I can't wait to be able to travel again. Though I have mixed dose vaccines so am not even sure when I'll be allowed to. Jackson will get his vaccines in December at the latest (depends when they approve for 5 to 11 year olds) and be all set. We have a Disney trip booked that I will cancel at some point, and cruises for March break, which may not happen. I may just book Disney for that time in case we can't cruise because of my vaccines. I am hopeful everything will be sorted by then. What is the point of getting vaccinated if life doesn't open up at least a bit? At some point we have to learn to live with this new disease. But I will get him vaccinated before we do anything too crazy. 

Summer

 The weather has been interesting so far this summer, between the crazy hot days and then cooler rainy ones. It's all over the place, but generally hot. I am glad the AC got fixed! So far we haven't done a whole lot, things are just reopening, with Ontario moving to phase 3 soon. We went to the waterpark yesterday and had a lot of fun, even though it was a mess. There was a problem with the pH and so slides weren't open. We did most of what we wanted to do, and had fun, I really do enjoy the lazy river, and he loves the wave pool. Those we were able to do a lot. It was nice to be "normal" but also strange because no one was social distancing, so I feel like we can't go anywhere or do anything for at least a week to make sure we didn't catch anything.

We have plans to go to Toronto for a couple nights in early August, we'll go to the Zoo for a day, then stay in a hotel near Wonderland for two nights, spending one full day there. I splurged on Fastlane, and also the meal and drinks for the day. So most everything is paid for, for that day at least. I will have to still pay for food at the zoo, and get parking there, but those tickets are bought already as well. It should be fairly open by the time we go. I believe the hotel we're staying at has a free breakfast, though I don't expect it to be much. It will just be nice to do something!

I changed all my cruises and trips around. With all the questions regarding vaccinated/not vaccinated I wasn't sure by December we'd be ok with the changes so I moved the RCL to March break and added a short 4 night cruise to that, and the Carnival to Dec 2023. So we have 6 cruises planned to the end of 2023. Plus a week at Disney, or a little more than a week I guess. I am still not sure on that, I have it booked/planned for December but I am worried about weather, and timing, and wonder if I should move it, but where to put it that won't be too close to the other vacations we have planned. In any case, we are eager to get travelling again and look forward to things getting more back to normal. Without me having to go back to work in the office of course. 

I had one week off this summer so far, and two more coming up in August. I didn't take much time off last year, but wanted a bit of a break this year. I look forward to sleeping in, probably going back to the water park, and the Toronto trip, even though I hate driving there and am scared of the rides at Wonderland. It will be a fun time. Life it ticking back towards normal, with some things that will probably stay in this new normal zone. I am thankful to be vaccinated, and hope that the rest of the world will be able to follow. I am super proud of Canadians for getting their doses in such high numbers, and while we had a rough start to the roll out it really seems to be picking up. 

Vaccinated.

 Today I got my second dose of vaccine. Because this is Canada it took over 8 weeks, and is different from my first dose. But it's done. Two weeks and I'll be "safe". Not that kiddo will be, sadly Ontario is giving me a hard time about getting him done until his birthday. If we lived in a different province he'd already have his first dose. Frustrating. We'll figure something out eventually I guess, but I do feel like I need to start planning for a backup vacation in December, or how to cancel what's booked, or part of what's booked. Any way, we'll see how that goes.

We have a few things planned for summer, the local water park is open by reservation so I booked it for the first Saturday it's open. We also booked a day at Canada's Wonderland near Toronto, and hopefully we'll go to the zoo as well. So much driving that will bug me but we'll manage. It'll be nice to have a vacation of sorts. 

Friday was the last day of the school year. All his friends who stuck with the school got t-shirts, pictures and a diploma. I'm a little sad his name won't be on the wall, he won't have those memories, but I also think he did better this year than if he'd been in classes. He learned a lot. I am a little worried that he will have a hard time in Grade 7, and it won't last. I am also worried that they will try and make me go back to the office, and I don't want to, at all. I quite like working from home and hope I can manage to remain doing so. I'd like to go pick up my stuff from work, it's all still there, but other than an occasional meeting, I want to be at home. 

I still have a lot of sorting to do here, lots of cleaning and reorganizing, but I do feel like it's on track. I also still have an urge to move. But I have stronger urges to travel. It's a strange dilemma, which one do I focus on. At least the AC has been fixed, I did a few things to fix things up. But there is still work to do, and frustrating critters in the garage. The AC was broken during the heat wave, they came to fix it a week later, we survived, went to the beach a lot actually. And had a mattress in the living room for Jackson to sleep on, apparently I snore too loudly to be able to stay with him. 

Todays dose seems to have made me sleepy, so I think I will be going to bed early tonight, will need to put little Olaf to bed early. He is adorable, and plays well with the dog. The other cats aren't keen on him but I think they will be eventually. Or he'll stick with the dog. Either way, he's cute, playful and healthy. And he sleeps in the guest room because he is a pain when it's sleep time. 

A May Vaca

 I am done work for almost two weeks! I don't have to go back until May 25th and it is so nice. Not like we can go anywhere or travel, but it sure does feel nice to not have to get up early or anything. My plans for the time off are to clean, declutter, garden and have naps :-)  Since I had planned to move, I ordered boxes and they were delivered early, so I wasn't able to cancel the order. I have to find a place to store them until we do decide to really move. I also need to get rid of so much from the basement, there are toys and all kinds of things that need to GO. I have been waiting for places to be open that will pick up donations but that seems to be a long wait. Maybe by summer. In any case, I'll put everything in the garage for now. Also have some broken electronics to go, but that is a process, can't just put stuff out at the garbage sadly. I'll need to find a place to drop it all off. Someday. 

I'm glad of the news that kids 12 - 15 can get Pfizer, can't wait for them to get to his age here. Hopefully by June but we'll see. I hope they don't only do it through the schools since he isn't registered. This will mean we should be able to travel this winter! Cruising will happen. We have two weeks booked, flights booked, hotels before and between the two cruises. Should be great. Can't wait. Looks like things are getting better on the cruise front too, masks won't be required if you are vaccinated (which we will be). I'll still do cruise sponsored excursions though. Not sure about the one we have planned for Jan/Feb, might cancel that one. I also have one booked for Aug 2022 to Bermuda! It's from New York and we'll go a few days early to see some of the city. Which scares me but I look forward to it as well. I just can't wait to travel! I had been considering going from Greece or Italy, but the long flights and expenses are higher make it less likely.

Sadly we are still in lock down so can't go visit my parents or anything fun like that. Hopefully by June we will be able to though. And by our week off in July for sure. At that point we may decide to do something more fun. I am still hoping the waterparks will be open. Even if only half the summer. I alternate between being hopeful this is all coming to an end and wondering if we'll ever be able to get back to normal. I am planning for the future though, someday we'll be able to do more. 

Vaccine one done

 On Sunday the province announced that they were lowering the age to 40+ on the astrazeneca vaccine available in pharmacies. I was super excited to hear this and signed up for all the places and wait lists. Yesterday I got an email from one of the pharmacies that they have "walk in" places so I called to see if they had any available, they made me an appointment for today and I got the shot at 12:45. I am so happy. There is a 16 week wait for shot two but I don't care, just relieved. It was interesting to see so many other people there excited to be getting vaccinated. Interesting too, as soon as they lowered the age, the appointments booked up fast. I think many people in the 55+ were waiting for a "better" shot which honestly irritates me, even if it led to me getting mine sooner. 

Now who knows how long it will be for Jackson to get his. If he was already 12 I'd be less worried about that. I do hope it happens this year. It will impact our plans for December. I am hoping we can cruise but if not, we'll spend two weeks in Orlando and do Disney/Universal or something. Easy. We will travel!!

I hope I don't have a bad reaction to the vaccine, I already feel a bit tired, had a nap after work, and my head/jaw hurts but that happens to me a lot since I grind my teeth and clench my jaw all the time. I will try and wait it out, see what happens. I am ready to take the day off tomorrow if I have to, I have sick leave I can use. I do have a grocery order to pick up, which I can cancel now but would like to get. I am sure I'll be able to manage it any way, just have to drive there, they load the stuff in the trunk and I drive home, put everything away (that's the hard part lol). But I've managed more when sicker so I'm sure I can manage this. I guess that's when being a single mom and having to do it all pays off, I'm used to managing things no matter how I feel. 

On the move front, while I decided to move, I changed my mind and we'll be here for a little while still. I am going to use the time to really declutter and clean up (for reals this time). I want to be in a position that if we decide to move, we can do it quickly. I have some other financial goals, buying a house is not one of them though. I am still thinking of moving to a smaller town outside the city, but we'll see what happens with work from home, and Jackson's school in the fall. 

I am so happy to be vaccinated once, and cannot wait for number 2. Phew! 

To move or Not to move

 I was browsing the local sites and saw that the townhomes we have wanted to move to for ages have both gone up a bit in price and almost all been rented. I also noticed that the smaller places, with no garage or storage, are also almost all taken. In a panic I asked to see them, and ended up applying to rent one of the townhomes. It is really nice with great finishes, brand new, no yard maintenance, smaller driveway I'll have to shovel, and a good size for us. But expensive. Now I am in panic mode the other way, thinking I shouldn't have done it and we should just stay here. I cannot make a decision. I've made lists of pros and cons, they are about equal either way. The difference is money (which leads to trips, eating out, etc) versus quality and "niceness". Which is more important. Surely the money makes the most sense. I know I will never buy a home, it really isn't on my radar as an option unless I win the lottery, dealing with maintenance and all of that is of no interest to me. It's a heart vs head question at this point. What my heart wants is the new place, but my head says to stay here and deal with all the issues. I have tomorrow to decide, and the decision has to be made before end of work day. 

Covid restrictions are not helping matters, they add to my stress if we do move. The current landlord will want to show the place, and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with other people coming in to see it. Plus movers, because I am not moving things myself. How does that work? I assume they have to mask and distance, but what does that mean for me being here while it's happening? Do I just wait at the new place for them to arrive with everything? Sit in my car and wait for them to finish loading everything in the truck? I'd take the dog and child to my parents. Hopefully that will be allowed by then. Since we are in full lock down until May 20th, so I can't even donate stuff now. 

We have been here 8 years, which is a long time for me. Jackson was 3 when we moved in, so we have toys and stuff from that age right up to now. Including a bit of broken electronics you can't just put in the trash. I have to go through all of it. Should be working on that now. It's overwhelming a bit. I did clean up the upstairs, 75% of it any way, and it's "ready to pack". The only things left in those spaces just need to be put in boxes, which I already have. But we have 6 weeks so we need to use some of that stuff still. I will get more done today, I need to get the garbage collected from a few areas, including stuff hidden at the back of the freezer that is no good any more. Garbage can only go out every 2 weeks, which means 3 times until we move. And I don't want food garbage sitting around getting stinky for weeks at a time. 

But if we stay, I can take my time with all of that. It still needs to be done, decluttering, cleaning, but not within 6 weeks. I wish I had more time. Ideally I wouldn't be going until August, or September. Give me a few more months to get things really organized, and save a bit more. Replace some furniture. But the clock is ticking and time is up. So it's now or never. I don't want it to be never. Even if it means we can't order in 3 times a week or travel once or twice a year, if we have to limit that to ordering in once a week and travelling every two years. It's possible. I know some of my angst is because of how well my son pushes my buttons. When he wants something and has already spent his allowance he will call me poor and stupid. And it hurts. Because we are not poor, though we don't have a lot of savings, we live a comfortable life, and he doesn't see that because he always gets what he wants. And it is hard to say no and stay strong in the constant badgering and bargaining, and just general belligerence. And so I second guess every decision I have made, and my choices. Obviously I have work to do on myself. And I will talk to my therapist tomorrow about it, I am so thankful I have her now. 

And now for Another Stay At Home Order

 Things are not good. While we are trying to roll out the vaccines, it is so slow! They finally really shut things down in the province. It sucks because the weather was finally improving and Jackson was looking forward to playing basketball with friends. Now he just has me, for 4 weeks. Hopefully by the time it's over, things will be much improved and lots of people will be able to get vaccinated. I'm not on the list yet. My parents have their appointment for the end of the month. My BIL is eligible and I'm sure has an appointment. My sister is close I think? She's 51 (though she denies it) and we're at 60+ now... getting there! 

Today is my last day of my super long weekend. Easter was ok. Quiet of course. We didn't really do much. He found some candy eggs I hid around, but that's about it. I got us a switch, and the games aren't here yet so he's been super irritating about it. I hate being asked the same question a million times. 

I guess we'll be going to play basketball a lot. Since we can only play with each other. Hopefully he will do well and I won't have to chase the ball too far. It will be good to enjoy the nice weather, and be able to get him some exercise and burn some energy. I should have bought the net for the driveway. I keep debating that, do I get it and then we move and maybe not have room for it? Or do I not and we just keep going to the park. I don't know. If we move to the expensive places, the park is right there. Like you can almost see if from the balcony. But the expense is a lot if we move there. Plus, moving. It's a pain. 

I guess we'll see what we do during this lockdown. Won't be much I suppose. I will pick up groceries, we'll play switch games, go play basketball. I'll try and cook and not get deliveries all the time. I'll work, he'll learn. We'll yell at one another. I will talk to the psychologist and feel better for a little while. I'm tired of it all. And it's only beginning. I do hope the break allows a lot of vaccines to be given so we can have a more normal summer. I really hope the waterpark opens, and we can go to the beach. Heck, I will take more time off if we can do some fun things. I have lots banked. And even having a good summer doesn't mean we'll be able to cruise in December. 

Easter Lockdown

 The province moves back to lockdown at midnight. I am not really clear what changes except that things like hair dressers and in restaurant dining are closed. Since it is Easter weekend I guess they want people to avoid socializing, which we've been doing for over a year now most of the time. It's all getting a little frustrating, more for kiddo than me. I miss being able to see my whole family together, and a few friends, but in general, I'm good. Jackson though, he needs friends and outside play time. I hope he will be able to play with friends again soon, 28 days of lockdown.

My parents finally have appointments for vaccines! End of the month but I'm glad they are getting it done. My brother-in-law should be able to get his soon as well, in pharmacy. My sister will be next but not for a bit, then me, then my nieces. I worry for when Jackson will be able to get his, I know it won't be for awhile but I am hoping it's this year, and we don't have to wait for him to turn 12. I guess time will tell. I just want to be able to travel and get out again! 

I got some back pay from work and paid off a credit card, that felt really good. Though they held the payment because it was so much. I had to call and get it sorted but that's ok. Now I've spent a bit on some fun things, like a Switch, and a bunch of games for that. But not too bad. I mean I could use it all to go for donor eggs now I guess? But then I'd be back in a bunch of debt. And no guarantee it will work right away. Plus Europe is the best price, and it's off limits to travel right now. Maybe by the end of summer? Who knows. So many unknowns. 

I managed to get some candy to hide, was planning to go to pick up a bit more tomorrow but I'm not sure now. I don't want to go to stores if I can avoid it. We don't need anything more I don't think. As much as I would like more.

I purchased the part I think I need to fix Jackson's toilet. I've replaced most of the insides already, this is the last part and it's the hardest to do. You have to take the tank off the toilet, replace the part, and put it back together. If I screw it up, it will be totally broken. It looks easy enough on YouTube. I can do this. I've replaced all the other parts, this should be easy! I hope. 

Summertime is an unknown this year. I booked some holidays and look forward to the time off, but am not sure we'll be able to do much. If the vaccines don't start to make an impact soon I can't see anything happening until fall. We are so far behind other countries. Honestly, I'll be happy if we can go the beaches, if the water park opens, or we can go to Toronto for a few days. It's all up in the air. I'll fit in what we can on the time off, and hopefully he will find some friends to play with at the parks, or basketball, or something. 

Back to Red

 Ottawa is going back to red zone. our cases have been going up. I am so anxious for vaccines to get ramped up and life to open up again. As spring approaches and things are melting I am hopeful we'll be able to do more this summer. Maybe the waterpark will even be able to open. Who knows. Of course kids are still not able to get vaccinated, but I believe a couple are in trials on little kids so I have hope. 

I must be living in hope since we have two cruises booked in December. Not sure we'll be able to go on them, it will greatly depend on if you have to be vaccinated and when kiddo can get his. I am excited to think we may be able to travel though. If not December, then maybe January and if not then, we'll have to find something to book as soon as we can. We like travelling, even though he gets sick on flights. I wonder if any of the medication or therapy will be able to help with it. 

We've been slowly getting some new things for the house and moving things around. The cats enjoy checking everything out as it gets moved around. Still a few more things to get and to move, but it will happen in time. Then if we decide to move, we'll have everything we want. Except the couch. I'm not sure what to do about that. I got this couch and love seat when we moved in here, but they are big, electric reclining, and big. I like being able to put my fee up though so that part I do enjoy. But if we move I wonder if it might be good to get something smaller, perhaps a sectional/sofa bed style with the L shape. So I wonder if I should look at getting one here or just wait until we move. And I do still want to move. Jackson wants to go to the school in the fall, if it goes well, we'll want to stay nearby. But if it is a disaster, perhaps we'll look outside the city. I'd prefer that any way but it's all about the boy at this point. 

I got a treadmill, which has been great. I haven't used it as much as I should yet. But I have used it a few times, Jackson has used it as well, and it is nice to have. I hope as spring comes on, my usual inspiration to get moving more will kick in and this will make it convenient. It folds up super small so doesn't take up a lot of space which is really nice. Jackson has also been doing physiotherapy, but yesterday's session left his feet quite sore. Which led to some sleep problems last night. I hope tonight is better because we are planning to visit my parents tomorrow. We haven't seen them since November I think? Except for brief drop off/pick up of some gifts. I'm off work for a couple days so we are going for a visit. Even though we're moving into red, still allowed up to 5 people inside and we'll be 4. 

I have been seeing the therapist I wanted for Jackson. She is easy to talk to and offers some help. I wanted Jackson to be able to talk to her and perhaps get some ideas on how to deal with his anxiety. But he refused on Monday, which made for a rough time for me. I so far see her about 30 minutes a week, and it's all virtual at this point of course. I hope he will talk to her at some point. 

I hope that Canada will kick it up with the vaccines soon. It has been slow going. I know all the countries that can produce them are keeping them for themselves, and we can't make our own, yet. But oh it is frustrating to have to wait. I really want my parents to get protected. Myself as well of course but I know I'm younger so it will be slower. I just see so many people in the US getting them already who are younger than me. I do kind of get it though, I mean they had such a terrible response and so many sick and so many deaths, get them vaccinated. But we sit here, following all these rules, and waiting. I feel really badly for some of the poor countries and places that who knows when they'll be able to get the vaccines at all. Hopefully this year, by the end of it the world will be vaccinated. Not sure that's realistic but I hope. 

We've been getting the food boxes again, Jackson likes to help me cook the meals, even if he won't eat half the food. I end up keeping his meat plain with no spices on it, keep certain vegetables raw for him, and cook him plain pasta or rice instead of potatoes or flavoured stuff. So it's not really helpful but we have tried a few things that we enjoyed. Now if only I could get him to take his medication and do what the doctor asked. Maybe, as the weather improves, he'll get out to the park or something more often. If he could only keep in touch with the few friends who actually like to do sports and such. 

I wonder how long the city will be in the red zone and if the increased measures will help. I guess because I live in my own bubble and we don't go out much I don't see how people are catching anything. We get groceries put in the trunk, food delivered, don't do restaurants, don't go to the movies (when they are open). Jackson doesn't go to school and I work from home. So we are isolated, which helps keep us safe. And I do know that not everyone is so lucky. Honestly, if he were in class, in school, we wouldn't be going to see my parents tomorrow. 

Life goes on, I am trying to keep hopeful and look forward to being able to travel, to get out more. And to continue to work from home. Things are not as bad as they could be. And getting better. I think. I hope. 

Stir Crazy Winter Blues

 I'm sure it's because I can see a year of lockdown bearing down on us, but this winter I am going stir crazy. Not being able to go anywhere is frustrating. Though the places I want to go are Disney, Universal and a cruise, or to visit my parents. Even Jackson is annoyed and sad by it all. Yesterday I allowed one of his friends to come play in the snow with him, they played inside for a bit as well which made me nervous but I'm sure it'll be ok. We both can't wait for spring, and being able to get outside again. Walks, bike rides, playing basketball, going to the park. And visiting my parents of course. 

Every so often Jackson will say he wants a little brother, he thinks I should just adopt a 5 or 6 year old boy so he has someone to play with. But he's also said a baby would be nice and he'd help me with the baby. He obviously doesn't understand the whole process. It's time consuming and I don't know if I am cut out for it. I turned 46 two weeks ago, my body is done with the ability to be pregnant, though my doctor feels he needs to confirm this with a blood test, and I deeply regret not trying at least. I am not sure I could manage adoption, it seems easy in one way, kids who need a parent to love them, but hard in other ways. I feel like I have been through a lot with Jackson and all the issues. We are finally getting to a good place. It has taken a long time. Of course then I also have more experience with it all, maybe that has me more prepared. But realistically, in 9 or so years, I could retire. And then what? Maybe I should be content. But Jackson isn't. Would he be in another few years?

I decided to rejoin WW, not fully sure why. It was a good deal for sure, but it's hard to get back into. I hope I can stick to it this time and see some results. I think this is the time of year when I feel tired and lazy and discontent. I want to be doing more, and travelling, just enjoying life. Things I can't do with an infant very easily. Though I could try. 

March I plan to do some work in the house, move a few things around, clean a few things up/out, and replace a few items. I hope that spring arrives early as well, and we can start to get outside more. Since it seems we will be here this year, maybe we could do a proper garden space, or at least do some pots with veggies. I'll have to get the landlord to fix up the deck as well, there are a few rotted boards. They started last summer but with all the restrictions I didn't want to cause a fuss. Once the snow melts I'll take some pictures and let him know. 

Jackson is registered for Grade 7 in the fall, now to get him to do the math work I think he needs so he will be able to keep up with the other kids. Worst case, I'll pull him out again and continue with homeschooling. It will be different though, since I'm sure his friends will all be back in classes. The school board is setting up a few online only schools, with separate teachers and structure. It's an interesting thing and would certainly interest me but I can't see him doing ok with it. I hope that the new school is better than the last one, and he gets some good teachers. I also hope they contact me to discuss anything beforehand. I've told them about his diagnoses and I hope they take it seriously, and that he gets the help he needs in school, as well as out. 

The interesting thing to me is that as I learn more about ADHD I realize that he is very typical in his behaviour. So I wonder why the school couldn't understand and be able to help him more. Is he the only one in his school with this same diagnosis? Doesn't make sense. I guess we'll see if high school is better prepared. At least he'll have gym daily, which is a great thing from my perspective. And I will advocate for him, and also be prepared to pull him out. I refuse to have him in a situation where he is being made to feel bad about himself any more. At least I should be able to continue working from home even after covid so I can be here and deal with things like school a little more easily. 

Medication and Supplements

 It's been over a week of the new medication, and the supplements. He doesn't like taking any of it and everyday is a struggle. He refuses the omega 3's and I can't really blame him, I mean it is flavoured fish oil. Yuck. We finally have the magnesium and theanine mixed in apple sauce as the best choice there. And the actual medication is small (and expensive). Even with my drug plan coverage it was almost $30. But I think it might be working? He has had a few blow ups but (knock wood) not as many as he was having. He has also been going to bed at 11 which is better than 1 (or later). That surprised me since the medication can cause sleep problems. I'm not sure how that will go if he was in school and had to be there early, he sleeps until 9 or 10 now, so he'd have to get up earlier for school. 

I did register him for high school, which is a pain now. I have to send in a bunch of documents they should already have since he was registered there previously... kind of irritating to be honest. I may push back on it, but I don't want to cause problems before he even starts. I'm not honestly sure how well it will go any way, he is very stubborn and I hope he is going to really try in the fall, it's a long time away and we still have the therapy part of this treatment plan to get to. 

Last week my cat, the oldest one, hurt his leg. Being an off pay week it was difficult to find time/money to take him to the vet so he was confined to the guest room for a few days, and over night (much to his annoyance). He is actually doing better now, still seems to limp a bit. I have an appointment for him Friday but am not sure I want to take him. It will stress him out a lot and at this point I don't think there is much they can do for him. I do think I need to start adding something to his food for old cats, green lipped mussel or glucosamine for joints would probably be a good idea. I'll see how he is doing tomorrow and decide then if I will keep the appointment or not. 

We have a few trips booked for the future, I'm not sure what will actually be able to happen. Vaccine rollout seems to be taking it's time here and who knows what will happen. I am not sure we'll be able to go this year which will be very sad. Next year is debatable as well. But maybe by summer/fall? And then what to do? Considering a Mediterranean cruise. Or Disney... because we like to do that. But the cruise is actually probably cheaper, even if it's 10 nights from Rome and we stay 3 or 4 days in Rome pre-cruise. Might be a nice change? We'll see.... April 2023 cruise will be happening... if we can't travel by then I will be crying about more than the loss of travel. 

I am hoping we'll be able to do something this summer, even if it's just going back to the Toronto Zoo for a day, or something along those lines. I'd consider renting a cottage of some sort, but not sure where to do that, or if it's something I'd really be able to relax with. I know he would love it but I'd still have to cook and clean. I'm wondering what will be able to open this summer, Calypso? That would be ideal. Even being able to swim in a fun way, not just laps, would be great. At least the beach we like will be open again, they were doing work on it last summer so we ended up across the river in Gatineau twice. I prefer to stay on this side though. Hopefully he'll be able to play with some friends too, and even just visit my parents. I only plan to take a week in June/July and two weeks in August though. I want to save my vacation for those trips we may not be able to do... but if we can't then when we can do them I'll have lots of vacation time saved up. 

The Pediatrician

 Yesterday we had our appointment with the pediatrician. He is a specialist in brain/mind things so very familiar with ADHD, anxiety, ODD, etc. The appointment was long, over an hour. And oh we have a lot to do now! I hope some part of it will be successful and there will be improvement in the reactions. He explained the "higher brain" and "lower brain" stuff, how Jackson is living in the reactive state and not allowing his higher brain to take over. And so that is what we need to work on. He gave recommendations for massage therapy, physiotherapy, a slew of supplements, 1 hours of activity a day, 10-15 minutes of meditation/yoga per day and only 2 hours of screen time (outside of educational and family time). As well, he gave us a prescription for medication, which I will get filled tomorrow with the hope we can start it on Sunday. And hope it works. Oh, bloodwork to get done as well, and recommendation to have Jackson's eye's checked. So. 

We have an eye appointment for Tuesday after work. We have an intake sessions with the physiotherapist for March. I spoke with a psychologist today and we will be setting up the intake appointment with me and then treatment plans for the future, hoping to start end of February or beginning of March. That's virtual. I will take him for the bloodwork next Friday since I have the day off, we can line up virtually I believe so hopefully that works well. I'm not sure. I believe I have to pay for one of the tests, hopefully it's covered by my work plan. Like all the other stuff... I still have to make an appointment for massage therapy as well, but it's all out of pocket and reimbursed stuff so I am waiting a bit since money is tight, again. 

Kiddo broke his phone last night so I had to get him a new one. I am honestly surprised it lasted as long as it did, but he really broke it, snapped the screen right off it. New one is not as big, or as powerful, but oh well! Hopefully it lasts a year. There are 10 months left before the old one is even paid off so we can't change plans, but I was able to put the sim card in the new one and it works fine. I will probably upgrade mine when we are able to and save my current one for him to use when his breaks, we'll see. I can then get some kind of pay as you go type plan, or bring your own device style. Cheaper I think. He likes to watch videos while he's going to bed. Which of course we need to work on. 

For the decreases in screen time we are starting with a baseline, how much time is he on it now. Then well set a plan to decrease it. I can't see him going "cold turkey". We have tried that before and oh it does not go well. The doctor talked about how the screens act on the same part of the brain that causes addiction, brains behave the same way with screens as they do with various drugs. Lovely. I think that will help with the outbursts as most of them are related to things that have happened in a game.

Some are due to the disconnect between what someone says or means and how Jackson's brain perceives it. He doesn't always think things through or understand that what he thinks as a first reaction isn't really what anyone has said. I hope the therapist will be able to help with that. And with increasing his mood, helping him see the good in things and the growth mindset that will benefit him later. 

Now we start to worry about what to do about school in the fall. When he is rested and in a good mood he is ok with a change. When he is tired or hungry he only says he wants to go where his friends do. Though I don't agree. I will hopefully be able to talk to him about this as we go through the various treatments and see improvement. While I think we will be staying here for another year, to save money, who knows and perhaps we will want to move. You never know what will happen.

Now if only this lockdown, pandemic, crappy stuck at home stuff would end. While I love working from home, and don't want to do much in winter any way, kiddo needs to be more active than we are. It would be nice to be able to do things. Hopefully lockdown is ending in another week or two, and by then it will be almost spring. It is even hard to walk the dog because sidewalks are so narrow, I don't want to pass that closely to others. 

My birthday is coming up on the weekend, 46. Yeah. I'm old! Well not really I guess but it feels like I am. Like I am done with so many things. I still have a few years to go before I can retire though. I do wish that was sooner. I am rethinking my wish to be a snowbird though. With this pandemic a lot of them have been stuck, either able to travel or not. So we'll see. In the meantime, we are probably getting a kitten in the next few months. Yeah. Don't need another cat of course, but we love them and I think our youngest one would like a playmate, she torments one of our other cats and I hope a kitten would help. We'll see. 

Winter Blah

 Winter has decided to really roll in, with some snow and temperature's dropping. Of course since Ontario is in lock down we are stuck at home and it is starting to show. Jackson hasn't been playing with his "friends" the past few days so has been a bit more bored than usual. He has made friends with a boy in Ireland who enjoys the same game he plays in Minecraft, so he plays with him in the afternoon but there is a time difference so not all day. 

He's once again interested in dinosaurs and we have watched the same few documentaries over and over again, the then reenacts them with his dino toys, but there are fewer than there once were. I got rid of tonnes of them over a year ago, and he hasn't wanted to play with them until now. Of course now he wants more of them so I ordered a few but we'll see if they are what he expects. I don't plan to replace any more. There is a lot I don't want to replace any more to be honest. 

We have also been playing dinosaur games outside, but today was too cold for me. I am sure we'll be back out there tomorrow, and probably need to shovel a bit as well. He loves it, I tolerate it, and sometimes we take the dog out too. He gets cold so it's a good excuse to head back in. I know when I was his age, or younger, I played outside on my own but apparently that isn't a thing with kids now. I think if this had all happened when I was his age, if we'd had the technology, I'd have been ok to play alone. And I think sometimes this is harder for me because I have his care and mental well being to worry about. 

Between winter and covid and work, I am having a hard time. I am struggling with this round of lock down. I think the fact vaccinations are so close, yet so far away, is not helping. I really look forward to life returning to some semblance of normal again. I hope that Jackson will go back to school eventually, I hope that we will be able to travel, visit my parents, see friends. Get out of the house and DO something. It's taking a toll on both of us, he is bored and cranky, though he's been sleeping better. I am irritated and on edge. This is a struggle, the worst it's been yet. I really hope this lock down stuff ends soon. We need to be able to get out. I want desperately to be able to travel. Since we started doing our trips this is the longest we have gone without anything, before this it was 16 months and then we knew we were going back. This time it's been 17 months already with no end in sight. Likely 28 months or more. It's a first world problem for sure, but it is impacting my mental health. 

We still have rodents in the garage, though I've set traps and poison and tried to get rid of them. It's frustrating and I'm not sure what else I can possibly do. The back deck is still falling apart, I will let the landlord know about that in spring once the snow melts again. Though I don't want to live through it's repair or deal with them coming to check it out before it can get fixed. These are the things that make me want to move. But moving is so much work... and today I am not sure I can do it. I haven't got the energy or motivation to do the work that needs to be done. There is a lot of work to do here before we can move. I have so much I want to do, but I also wonder if moving is the best idea. The places I found outside of town are out, kiddo threw a fit about leaving the school he thinks he wants to go to. Even though he hates school, and his "friends" aren't always nice to him. I am so hoping the pediatrician appointment is helpful. Something needs to change. 

Small Steps

 Kiddo is in bed already, it's not even 8 yet. He is tired, and currently obsessed with getting 10 hours of sleep a night because that's how much a child his age should get. He looked it up. He didn't believe me when I told him. But that's ok, he believes it now. He only got 7 1/2 hours last night, and had a short nap today, maybe 30 minutes, so he has some to make up. I'm ok with it. If I can go to bed early tonight as well it will be great! 

The past couple evenings he has spent the time with me, as we used to. It is nice. He is interested in more grown up shows now, though he often watches his phone while the TV is on. We play games or he forces me to do nerf battles or play hide and seek. Well the nerf battles are all him, I hate them. We have even had dinner at the table, and he helped me cook. Not that it was much but he enjoyed helping so that was nice too. I look forward to moving and having more counter space to really cook on. 

And speaking of the moving, we found the perfect place to move to. It is further from here, about the same distance from my parents but has two master suites so Jackson is all excited to have his own ensuite. The main floor is nice and open with lots of space and a pantry, and a big breakfast bar. Even a fenced yard, which is lacking in the places near here that are also very nice. The new place is also cheaper, which leaves more money for travel and to save. So hopefully there will be something available still for May. At least with being able to work from home I don't have to worry about the commute so much. 

Ontario is in full lock down, don't leave the house unless you have to, mode. I went and picked up groceries today, the click and pick up style, and got Wendys drive thru for lunch. We made tacos for supper. He likes his nice and plain, just meat and cheese! We watched a show we can only find on YouTube, it's about this guy named Nigel who travels through time to visit dangerous seas and sea creatures, very realistic. I wish we could find the DVD. I'll keep watching for it though. 

I just want things to be back to whatever the new normal will be. With being able to travel and go places. I can't wait to get vaccinated, and for Jackson to be as well. I want to get on a cruise ship and sail away to warm lands. To eat yummy food and swim in the ocean. I can't wait. It is what keeps me going. The hope and plan that it will happen again. 

Despair and Hope

 Jackson had an ok day yesterday. But then in the evening, I could hear him getting really worked up about the game he was playing. I went up to get ready for bed and he hit his monitor when I went in to get his bed sorted. It didn't break but I told him to take it easy and maybe take a break from the game to calm down. He didn't listen, and when I was getting ready for bed I heard it, the smack that cracked another monitor and then the string of self loathing and crying. So that's 3 in a month? Yeah. I don't know what he expects me to do about this. I can't keep replacing these expensive things, nor am I willing to shell out money for a fancy computer I doubt he'll take care of. It is frustrating. But services were closed over Christmas/New Years so no help to be had.

Today, things started back up. I was able to talk to his family doctor, who is referring him to a pediatrician to talk to about medications and help. He also gave a therapy prescription which I need to insurance. Now to find one taking new people, before summer... and of course they are all doing virtual only at the moment so it's really difficult to find one. I have emailed a few, hopefully I will hear back from someone sooner than later!

I also heard from a short term place, and they have someone for us to talk to (virtually) on Thursday, so that's a relief, at least it's something. Based on that conversation, we'll see what they can do to help, and how we can move forward. I need things to move as quickly as possible so he is willing to do this, and so stuff stops getting broken. I just can't afford to keep replacing things!

The sad thing for me is that all of this, and maybe I should have forced it sooner, has left me feeling like a failure as a mom and knowing I shouldn't have any more kids because it's too hard, too much. If I had done it sooner, perhaps things might have gone differently. I don't know. I still have hope, maybe we'll figure this out and it will all be ok. I worry so much for his future if we can't get him calmer and more in control of himself. Less destructive. I wish we hadn't needed daycare, or that school was a better situation for him. It is difficult. I moved to this house to get him closer to a better school and area, but it seems to have back fired. I don't know any more. I don't think it's best for us to remain here with the toxic friends he has, but will kids in other areas be any better? Perhaps if he has some tools to help, and some medication? I wouldn't put it all on the other kids, I know my kid has a mouth and anger that can spew forth. But he is sensitive, and what wouldn't impact another kid, hits him hard. 

It was back to work today, a long day with a lot of email to catch up on. It's going to be a long week I think. The time off was really nice. I enjoyed it a lot. I worry that kiddo's sleep was very bad the whole time, and that continues. Not enough sleep doesn't help any of the problems. I am having a hard time getting my own sleep back to normal this week, I was up late last night after the monitor happened. And slept through my alarm this morning. But being so close I was able to get to work easily :-) I kept keto and did my steps every hour. That part is easy, the 10 minutes is hard though! I'm not sure why to be honest. Oh well, I'll keep trying.