First Trick or Treating



Ready for daycare



This was the first Halloween we went trick or treating.  Last year my boy was sick.  They did some at daycare, went to a couple areas in the daycare and got raisins, a juice box, healthy stuff. They were not allowed to wear costumes to daycare so above is what he wore instead.  When I went to pick him up, I was told he'd already done trick or treating and we didn't need to go again... ok not acceptable!  I got him home and fed, then we packed up and went to my sister's.  She lives in a much nicer neighbourhood than we do so I thought it would be better to go there.  It was.  Jackson had a lot of fun, he rang doorbells (multiple times) and said trick or treat before the door opened, thank you after he got the candy. He really wanted to go to the spookiest house, the one with all the decorations.  And wasn't happy when I said that's enough. I suspect next year we'll be out for hours lol.  He was a great little construction man, and very happy to get back to aunties to eat some candy and feed some to mommy too! 



My little construcion man



I got the job

I got the job today, so I got the promotion permanently, and get to stay in the building I currently work in, rather than having to move.  It is a good thing, and scares me greatly.  I know the people I've been working with, and what is expected of me so this will be a big change. I know I can do it, and the security is great.  It means a bigger payout when our contracts are renegotiated as well, which is awesome!  And it means I can look for a house to rent in the neighbourhood I want, and that is near my sister.  I'm really excited and like I said, scared.  My current manager is not too happy, I'm not sure what he's going to do, I guess we'll see.  Hopefully he doesn't try to stop me from going, or cause any problems.  I hope I will love the new job but realistically I am expecting it to be a year long commitment, more if it goes well.

Mea is still hanging in there, I need to call the vet to have her checked again, with the weight she is still losing I am pretty sure she must have cancer.  It's the only thing I can think of that would be sucking the weight off her, which she's still eating quite a bit.

Jackson is still a handful, but as the antibiotics are working he is happier, which makes life happier.  Though he did have a fit at the store yesterday, trying to bite my hands as I pushed the cart, yelling, crying, hitting me... fun times!  All because I wouldn't buy him a new toy. Sigh.

I have a plan to declutter and get rid of things, but no idea when I'll be able to follow through.  I need to of course, it's important.  If I plan to move I cannot pack and move all the crap I have.  I read about the 100 item challenge, where people end up keeping only 100 items per person, but I can't go that extreme, maybe 1000 items lol.  I have a bunch of stuff to get rid of, and at this point I'd rather just give it away than try to sell it all.  But a couple things are big so I couldn't carry them out myself, so I'll have to put an ad and see if anyone bites. 

So I have a new job, a plan to move, and get rid of stuff.  Things seem to be falling into place.  Phew!  Now to stick to it all, including the budget so I can actually move and get some new furniture in the process. 

Work decisions & Ear Infections

Jackson woke up crying this morning that his ear hurts.  Again or still, not sure.  But I decided I'd take him to the doctor just in case.  We got there very early, first in line, so were fairly quick to be seen.  The doctor said he has a bit of an infection and prescribed antibiotics.  Alright.  So we got them and then I took him to daycare and went to work.  I was late, obviously, and missed my French classes, which are not going so well any way.  He went to daycare and had a fun day from all accounts.  They have managed to already lose his red mittens which kind of pisses me off since they are labelled and he had them there ONE day.  But ok, maybe they are around somewhere and will turn up. I hope. We have two other pairs but they are warmer and these were for fall weather, and the car.  Any way.  He's been having a better time since the biting incident, and hopefully he feels better soon.

I got a call from a manager in another Branch, asking me to come to a meet and greet.  It's for a permanent offer at my acting level, so I would love it.  Plus it will be at the location I currently work when the dust settles and the Branch I'm with now moves to a new building, further from home and daycare.  I know that my current manager has plans, and is planning to make me a permanent offer once the pool is established for my Branch, but I cannot turn down a perm placement, it would be foolish I think to turn something down for something that is probably going to happen.  You never can tell after all.  I did talk to my old manager about it, because I value his opinion.  He is the one who told me before to turn down a lateral move because I wouldn't like it.  Whether that was the right move in the end, who knows, but at this point I'm in a position to make better money, have more responsibility, and be in a team leader type position.  That all sounds great to me.  So Friday I go meet and greet the other manager and see where it goes.  He also suggested I draw it out as log as possible to give my Branch time to make an offer, we'll see if I have that choice. 

I should be in bed, I've been very tired and have done something to my lower back/hip area.  I took something for it, hopefully it lets me sleep.  Hopefully Jackson sleeps as well. 

On the cat front I am in the process of switching my kitties to more canned/raw food, less dry.  Snickers is letting me know he doesn't like this plan and is begging for dry food constantly.  But he needs to lose weight and this allows me to have set meal times and know what he's eating.  Mea will have food available whenever she wants it as she needs to gain a lot still.  Yes she is still hanging in there.  Amazingly as soon as I decided to let her go she had a rebound.  Not sure why and she is still not grooming, can't jump up, but is getting down from places and trying to get on my lap in the evening.  Any way, she has food down where she can get it and Snickers can't.  They get canned food in the morning and raw at dinner time.  I'll work on switching the dog over once we have used up some of the dry stuff we have, and figure out whether I really want to or not, he doesn't have any obvious health issues at this point and so is less of a priority.

And... we have a biter

Ok so I knew he's a biter, he's bitten me more than once, but I've learned how to avoid it and walk away.  No one at the daycare has mentioned to me that he was having an issue. So it was a surprise to me to be told today that "we have a problem" and he bit a girl (twice), leaving marks, and it's something we need to work on.  It seemed to be implied that he'd be kicked out of daycare if it happened again.

I'm a little upset.  I picked him up just after 4 and he was obviously still upset and quiet about it all, and it happened in the morning, so it's obviously been an issue all day. He had a few accidents as well.  I recognize that biting is an issue, and not acceptable, and if he'd been bit I'd be upset, but I also recognize that he's not even 3 yet!  He is learning to deal with his emotions and what to do when he's angry.  And really they should be helping with this stuff, and perhaps they missed it too. 

Now we need to deal with it, but they didn't tell me how they'd like me to do that.  I mean he hasn't done it to me in awhile since the last time I walked away and went upstairs.  He followed me up crying and saying "I'm not biting now mommy see?" He hasn't done it since. Two people now have told me to bite him back.  So I guess I'll try that next time. I am also going to try and get him to find a new "thing" for when he gets angry.

The funny thing about this is the story he tells of the incident.  He told me he bit her because it was clean up time and he wanted to clean up the toys she was playing with and she wasn't listening.  He also told me he had to sit in the time out chair, and he cried, but the girl he bit didn't.  So how much of the story is true, who knows! But I think it was pretty funny. 

Depression sucks

I have struggled with depression off and on for most of my adult life, in fact it probably started in high school.  I've been on medication for it twice, and the last time it was very bad was right before I got pregnant.  I managed to pull myself out of it using a book, and self talk.  It was rough but I did it, and felt a lot better.  The whole time I was pregnant my OBGYN told me I should go on antidepressants because I'd get PPD.  She was totally wrong and I'm glad I didn't listen to her.  I had a rough pregnancy but as soon as I had my son in my arms I was the happiest I've been ever I think.  Yes we had some rough times in the beginning, lack of sleep is brutal.  But I never felt depressed, bored on occasion and tired but never depressed.

Lately however I'm struggling.  My son can still pull me out of it, but it's taking me longer and as soon as he's in bed I kind of fall into a lull, and feel sad.  I don't like it and I know it, and I am not sure how to get out of it.  I know that it's partly because of work. I am struggling with the new job, in that it is boring and I am feeling I made the wrong choice, that I was pushed to take the job even without really taking the time to think about it.  Add in my cat problems, and the stupid car/CD player, and just feeling fat and like a loser. 

My cat, she seems to actually be doing better.  I picked up some raw food for her and Snickers, she really likes it, but it's pricey so I'm not sure how long I can afford for them to eat it.  But she actually groomed herself after dinner tonight, so that was great, and she jumped down from eating twice.  She still hasn't gotten up there but at least she came down. 

So I have joined a facebook group to provide some support in weightloss, I hope that will help lead to other changes.  I know my job is a big thing, it needs to change, I cannot go on like this at work, I feel like I'm not doing anything, and I do like to be busy. I will be looking for something else, but may wait until I get the promotion permanently, which should be about another month... I can do this for another month right? I hope so.  Otherwise if something else comes up first I will jump at it. I do wish there was something else jumping at me but so far I haven't seen anything. 

And on another note, my ex-boss and his wife are expecting. I believe she's 40 or so, they have a little boy a year older or so than Jackson, and my understanding from him before was they were done, they are re-married and both have kids from their previous relationships.  It really makes me think.  If I wait another year my kids will be the same age apart as theirs.  And I'll be younger, but still single.  Which I prefer.  The funny thing?  They just had a house built to accomodate their family, with one kid in the full time picture.  Wonder if they'll move again?

Oh, and speaking of moving, I've been watching the houses for rent, I think I'll be able to find something nice for May.  And I can't wait!  I somehow think it will make me happier and resolve the depression issues, though I know moving doesn't usually do that for me.  But I still hope. 

The grumpies

This weekend was quite nice at my parent's.  Jackson was generally a very good boy and listened pretty well, had fun, no naps (which sucks) and ate well.  We went apple picking yesterday after brunch and he ate 3 apples.  Two on the way home from picking and one when we got back.  He had a slight fit when I said no more... I figured that was enough fiber for his little tummy.

Then there was today.  Today we drove home from my parent's.  And Jackson was up before 6, crying and cranky and refusing to go back to sleep.  So I should be going to bed now myself, I'm very tired.  It meant he was very cranky all day, but did have a great sleep in the car on the way home, he slept almost the full drive.  Then we went to my sister's for a Thanksgiving feast.  It was a great dinner and Jackson really enjoyed seeing his cousins.  But then it was time to leave and there was a minor tantrum, which didn't come close to matching the "it's time for bed" tantrum.  He finally went to bed, and is asleep, but it was a trying evening. 

I hate that I have to go back to work tomorrow.  I just really don't want to. I don't hate what I do, I just feel like I need a big break. I know Christmas will be good, I'm off for over 10 days in a row which will be great.  I could really use some time off to clean the house!  and get rid of stuff.  So much stuff.  Since I plan to move I really need to get rid of things so we don't have to move them.  I need to sort through all of Jackson's old clothes and toys, and that's hard to do. It feels like I'm giving away part of my memories, which is of course silly but it makes it hard.

And on the cat front, Mea seems to be doing better.  She was of course very happy to see us but has been out quite a bit since we got home, she even went up to eat her dry food and is barely limping.  She's managing the stairs a bit better, but still can't jump up on things, and has not gained any weight.  She is so thin it's sad.  So now I'm not sure what to do, I was quite certain that I'd be saying good bye to her very soon, but now I don't know.  I guess I will be doing a little more wait and see.  But I still want a kitten. I think part of that is because it's a baby replacement... I did that with a puppy and a kitten before.  Can't have a baby?  get another pet. 

Planning for the future

We are at my parent's for Thanksgiving, so far Jackson is having a lot of fun, and hasn't had a nap.  He's eating well, really well... which means he's going to grow again I guess.  We went to a buffet for Thanksgiving lunch, and Jackson ate a lot of sausage, and dessert.  Then we went and picked apples, he ate two on the way home.  And one when we got home.  He wanted more and I said no, how mean right?  But I was worried he'd get a sore tummy from so much fiber! 

I talked to my mom and dad about my idea to rent a nicer/bigger/better place, and they seemed supportive.  At least they didn't tell me I'm an idiot lol.  My mom thinks it's a good idea if I can get a single family home as it will be brighter, my main floor now only has the patio doors as windows, the upstairs is brighter but we aren't up there that much.  I've been really looking at what I can get for what I can afford and there are some really nice places out there.  So my plan is to move for May.  When I file my taxes I should be getting back a big refund, some time late February or early March, which I can use as the first/last, and movers I can always put on the credit card if I haven't got enough saved up.  Keeping in mind I won't have to pay the first month at the new place and last where I am.  And May is a good time to move, not yet too hot (hopefully), and the snow all gone.  It also gives me a good amount of time to save, and to clean/purge.  I'll be putting quite a few things up on kijiji over the next month or so, hopefully I can sell a lot of stuff.  But whatever I can't sell I will otherwise get rid of, give away if I have to. 

Because I expect the move will mean not buying for at least 3 to 5 years, I should be able to try for two next fall, instead of this year, which means Jackson will be 5 but I think that's still ok.  It gives me more time to save in my RRSP, and time to save for IUI etc.  The better rental will also be better for another baby, and newer, nicer to boot.  I'm actually pretty excited, and while I wish that I could do it NOW, of course I need to wait. 

And I plan on getting at least one kitten. I will be going to the cat show in about a month and hope to see in person the breeds I'm looking for, being able to talk to the breeders and get to know the cats better.  I would like to get Snickers down a few pounds first, he is very overweight, and if I could get him down 3 or 4 pounds before getting a kitten, I think the kitten then would be good exercise for him.  I may get two cats, but I'm not sure on that yet.  I'm leaning to getting a Tonk & Aby.  Perhaps at Christmas time, but it may not be until we move into the new house. 

So I have my plans for saving, my budget in place, that I have to stick to!! And if all goes well I think I will be quite comfortable and happy.  I may even host an SMC get together once we get settled in a new place. 

I bought some test strips, for FSH and for ovulation, I plan to use them this cycle just to see if I can get an idea of where I'm at, before going to my doctor to see if he'll run the tests. Since I don't really want to try for a year, well since I can't afford to try for another year, it makes sense to get a feel for where I'm at, and if I do in fact have time to wait.  I know if things are not in my favour, I will be happy with one.  But I think if I don't at least find out my status and if I can do this again, that I will regret that.  So this is step one, a quick pee test, and then we'll see from there.  Fingers crossed I still have some time.

Crazy for cats

I think I've mentioned before that I tend to get obsessed with things.  Well now I'm on to cats.  Mea is still with us, and I'm not sure for how much longer but I didn't want to leave Snickers all alone for the long weekend so I've delayed having her euthanized. I still believe it's the best option now, sadly, she has moments when her back legs don't support her, and while I think she has rallied a bit this past week, the long weekend alone without me will be telling.  So we'll see if all this changes when we get home Monday.

In the meantime I have been researching cat breeds.  I have narrowed my list down to 4 breeds, one is very hard to find, one is possibly a little too wild, and the other two are expensive, well all 4 are really lol.  I know people will tell me to rescue a cat from the shelter, I've done that one, and two as strays and I just can't do it again right now.  So the breeds I'm down to Tonkinese, Abyssinian, Ocicat & Bengal.  They are all active breeds who like to play and are interactive.  Which is what I want.  I am not planning to get a new cat any time soon, but am just looking at the options.  I plan to focus on getting my big Snickers down a few pounds before getting him a kitten, though perhaps an active kitten to chase around might help him down a few pounds. 

The Ocicat is the hardest to find, I believe there is a breeder in Montreal but they don't put an email on their website, and I don't like calling, so that is probably out.  Abyssinian's are available from a few places.  They seem to be a little more aloof, not a lap cat at all.  But they are good with kids, and fun.  And a breeder in Ottawa will have some available in late December.  There is a Tonkinese breeder in Kingston and the breed is active, and can be a lap cat.  They are talkative, friendly, and good with kids and other pets.  Finally there is the Bengal, they are possibly a bit more wild than I'd like but it depends I think on the breeder.  They also look pretty wild, which is very cool. 

I've also been looking more into renting.  My problem now is the area of town to move to, not until spring, and what will be available then.  It partly depends on if I can get a job that will allow me to stay at the work location I'm at now, if I can then the area to live in shifts, but if not then it is a bit more limited. Sadly I don't have the money now, there is a great 3 bed, 2 bath place for rent at less than my max, single family, backs onto a park.  It would be awesome, but of course I haven't got the money to move just now, I figure I'll need about $5k to do it, first, last & movers.  The rent of course will be "recovered" in not having to pay again for the first month, and not having to pay where I am for the last month since I put a deposit down.  But having it up front is the problem.  I'll have to do the math again I guess.  Of course I also need to hire movers, I'd have a hard time doing it all myself.  Also I'd want time off to do it, and won't have that until April 1st.  I also need time to purge and let go of things.  That is a tricky bit for me, I have a hard time getting rid of things I may need again someday.  And baby things in particular. 

Having another baby is still something I'd like to do, at some point. But it's difficult to imagine I'll ever have the money, especially if I keep wasting it like I do.  But I am hoping I can do better, I have been doing better at times, and then not so much. 

Any way, everything takes time, but it helps me to write it out and see it in black and white.  Time to get a new cat (or two?) and time to move. All good things come in time.  Sometime soon I hope. 

Preparing to say goodbye

My journey with Mea these past few months has been very difficult.  I have wavered in my decision a few times, and keep hoping for a miracle, that she will go back to her old self, start gaining weight, be able to jump and play again.  But alas it is not to be.  I have been reading a lot about when to say goodbye to your pet, and found a few sites online. One has a "test" where you score the pet on certain things and if the score is higher than 8, they say it is time.  Mea scored 13, and that was me being conservative on a few things.  She's been back on the antibiotics for a couple weeks now, with more to go but I just don't think she's really living any more.  She sleeps unless she is out of hiding looking for food.  She eats a lot, but is still losing weight.  She isn't grooming herself any more, and has difficulty walking around.  I know in my heart it's time. 

The difficulty now is the timing of it.  My previous cat died at Thanksgiving, so I don't really want to do that again, it would bring a really bad vibe to the whole holiday.  However, I'm not sure she'll make it with us gone away for the long weekend (for any Americans this coming weekend is Thanksgiving in Canada).  But on the other hand, it would be leaving poor Snickers, my other cat, alone for the whole weekend, and taking her in Friday to say goodbye, then leaving him alone, I suspect he'd end up a tad depressed and sad.  I can't take him to my parent's as they have a large black lab who takes great joy in chasing cats.  My thought right now is to wait until we get back.  Which leads to the "what to do with Jackson?" dilemma.  I don't want to take him with me, but getting someone to come watch him will be tricky, and to go without him during the day means taking a day off work.  Now I do need to go see the city about my daycare spot, but apparently I have to wait for them to send me a letter to go in, so I'm not sure when that'll be (since I was supposed to go in August and I'm still waiting...). 

I guess I just keep hoping some miracle will happen if I wait one more day.  Perhaps she'll start to play again, or jump up on something, or clean herself up a bit.  I've been brushing her but it's not the same.  To pet her is just painful with her losing so much, her body is eating her muscle, she has no fat left, and it's just so hard to see her like this. 



Mea looking like her regal self





Back when they got along




Jackson is 4 months, and Mea loved him and put up with anything




enjoying the baby's things