Happy Holidays

It's that time of year. When kiddo and I are home together for two weeks. And we try to find fun things to do when it gets super cold and I don't want to leave the house. Tonight will be a struggle, there will be a child who cannot sleep, much crying and carrying on. Tomorrow will hopefully be good. Though the kiddo also changed his mind on what Santa should bring two days ago... so that's going to end well I'm sure. I also managed to over spend, again, as I do every year. So we have not much money to do anything with. But sledding is free, if the snow keeps up. And we have some board games wrapped under the tree, so those will fill some time. I do wish I could fly some place warm, but not this year.

Tonight we are going to my sister's for a pizza dinner. She is picking up my parents so they can spend the few days with us. Dad can't drive even that far yet. Hopefully he is on the mend and will improve. But for now they are coming to my sister's house today and will go home on Boxing Day. We will probably go visit for a day somewhere along the break. Tomorrow is Christmas Dinner at my sister's as well. Yup, she has a bigger house and plays host. Plus I am not such a great house keeper and my parents are not allergic to my cats. We have carpet so it's never going to be really cat free, my sister has wood floors and only one cat. Any way. It works out in the end I think. We will open presents here then go over there in the afternoon.

I'm off work until January 7th which is great. We will be spending some time working on Jackson's anxiety or ADHD or whatever it is he has. I plan to take him to the doctor that first week back, since my doctor is off until then. He is finally agreeable to do that. He asks me why he gets to mad, and what we can do to help. I'm trying, he's resistant to any suggestion. I hope we will come up with some ideas that help over the holidays. I'd like him to try some simple yoga moves, meditation, perhaps some stress ball type toys and essential oils. Of course some of those things cost money I don't have right now. But we'll see what we can do! I also want to limit his xbox time dramatically. He seems to do ok when he uses his iPad but the xbox is a whole other level of issues. I fear he is getting stuck in certain reactions and it will be that much harder to get him to change those if they are so ingrained. Hopefully the new year will allow for some changes at school as well. He will have a new vice principal, who he met last week (says she is nice actually), and beyond that, I hope I can figure out how to help him interact with two of his teachers who have no patience for him. He has 4 teachers this year, his first block teacher is good, she is steady and seems to understand how to handle him. Second block is a nightmare, and to be honest, after speaking to the woman I am glad I don't have to spend time with her. She often sends him out to sit in the hall and work there. Alone. Because he is rude to her, and she doesn't like that. Never mind how she treats him. Third block is great, she is also the resource teacher and she is amazing. She actually checks on him in the other blocks when she knows he has trouble. He doesn't always tell her what's going on though. I hope he will take advantage of that relationship more. Then last block. He doesn't like her because she told me he could do better in class and needs to speak up more. I shouldn't have said anything to him, but didn't realize the storm that would brew. Now he is defiant with her because she "said mean things about him". working on that. I'll need to speak to her at some point, or go through the resource teacher for help.

It's all been a lot. But certainly has shown me that if I can handle this, and work through it, then perhaps I can handle a "special needs" adoption, to a certain level any way. Is it easier with my own flesh and blood? Perhaps, but kids need love. And I think that is something I can do. So I still intend to move forward with that, but not until April or May, and hopefully Jackson and I will have a better handle on his issues, and my own, so that we are able to grow our family. It would certainly be "easier" to simply go the donor egg/embryo route, but costly, and the age gap would be great, and I'm not entirely sure it would be any "easier" on Jackson to have a baby come home. I'm putting this out there, into the universe, because I think the universe will show me what I can handle and what we should do.

Last minute shopping is done, presents are all wrapped, plans are made, and snow is falling. Kiddo is watching Youtube, I'm not sure of the appeal, and I think I'll watch a movie or at least part of it while he is occupied. We go to my sisters later, and tomorrow is the big presents day.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and wish you a peaceful time.

Maybe adoption

Jackson has been doing marginally better at school. He still does not like his math teacher, and to be honest, after speaking to her, I'm not impressed either. Based on it being his worst class, and his complaints about not understanding what she wants him to do or why, I asked her to call me to explain what the purpose of the math exercises they are doing is, what is he supposed to be learning. So she called me, and started off with the fact he is rude to her. She doesn't set the curriculum, and if he has a problem answering the questions he should ask for help. Well I talked to him about it, and he says he does but she just tells him to read the question again. Based on talking to her, I know she doesn't like my son. No problem, people don't always like one another, I get it! I have people at work I don't really like either but as an adult I know I have to work with them so I behave politely! She on the other hand, being the adult, the teacher with (I assume) training in how to deal with students, chooses instead to punish him any time he asks questions or disagrees with her. I'm not impressed, and I called to speak with the VP. Not sure it's done any good. I trust they will contact me again in future, but it was very frustrating to me.

At this point in the school year it isn't like I can change schools, even waiting until the end of the year is tricky. He has friends there, changing for the sake of changing seems silly. But then again, he has had a few bad years. Grade 2 he had a flighty new teacher who was all about letting the kids sit where they wanted, and I don't think he actually learned anything. Grade 3 he started out good but ended up with a teacher who was terrible. We got through it and I didn't bring it up with the school because it was a few months left and I thought we'd just manage. Now I am regretting not bringing those concerns up at the time, since the school is now basically blaming him and not the situation. We shall see what happens I guess, I don't want to change schools (and daycares) but I will do what needs to be done for him.

We went to the Christmas party at school yesterday. We sat with another mom and her kids, Jackson plays with her older son in daycare. She is also a single mom, through adoption! She has 3 kids (9, 5 & 3), and is hoping to add a fourth. I was able to talk to her a bit about it, and I think it's something I'd like to investigate. I know I need to pay off some credit card debt, and clean up the house, perhaps get rid of some stuff. I am not sure what they would say about my 4 pets. But I can only start and see what happens. I am also not sure what Jackson would really think, or how his current issues could impact anything. I think I'd prefer to adopt an "older" child, age 2 to 6 I think. And I think I can say I'd prefer another boy? Not sure on that one. Based on legislation I believe I can take 61 weeks off for parental leave, I don't think I'd get a full top up from work but the first 30 weeks or so would be.

I have thought about it before but been scared to try, now, after talking to the other mom, perhaps it might not be as difficult as I thought. Maybe it could work. And I'd get what I want, a bigger family, while taking in a child who needs a home and love. Also giving Jackson a sibling. Someone to play with, and to grow up with, and to have when I am gone. I'll have some work to do. I think I will take a couple months to work on cleaning up the house, decluttering, and paying off some debt. Then get started and see where it goes! Come April my vacation bank is reset so I would have time available to take off for parenting courses and such.

Explosive

We had an interesting week. It was a little rough in spots, when the internet shuts off and Jackson feels he should still be able to use it. I have left him his iPad for the most part, with a shut off before bed. We had a few good days. In particular Wednesday was great. We had to go boot shopping, which was fun, we went all over the place and ended up at a mall where we had dinner and then tried on more boots. Finally got a nice pair, cost more than I wanted. But on the way home we had a good talk, and he said he thought maybe he shouldn't play on the xbox during the week. He was good about that, and only played today.

As soon as he turned it on, it was like he was back in that rage explosion. He was rude, and again with the language. It's the xbox then. He was agreeable to only using it on the weekend, though I'm not sure how long that will last. I will have to set a stronger limit on it, because it really is detrimental to his well being, and my own sanity.

Parent teacher interviews were ok. They are trying to help him, which is good to see, but I'm not sure the methods will really help. He doesn't really respond to sticker chart style rewards. And he doesn't always understand why he's in trouble for things. I have a bit of a plan for it, and read a really good book that has steps to help. I will be following that plan and working with him to problem solve and try to figure out how to stop the explosions.

We chatted today a bit about having a sibling. I asked him if he'd be ok with no trips for a few years if we had a baby in the house. He was not ok with that idea. He seems to think we won't be able to afford to eat (which is silly) and he wouldn't get time to play his xbox (which is being cut back any way) or I'd be too busy paying attention to the baby to have time for him. Of course it isn't his decision but knowing his fears I can perhaps help to allay them. And of course there is the cost to figure out any way. It's expensive to do double donor. I'm not sure I'll be able to afford it. Not that I can afford a trip for awhile any way, but they are cheaper than this method of having a baby.

The social worker

Jackson has been having difficulty in school. Not with learning, he is very smart, but with the social/emotional aspects of it. He is behind in those it seems. So he rages at the slightest insult, perceiving it to be much greater than it is. Because he can't decompress, each issue is compounded. And he brings it home. The words that come out of his mouth... I haven't heard such language from adults, let alone an 8-year-old. I talked to the vice principal, she explained their plans to help him, and also that they could set me up to speak with their social worker, who could also speak to him if needed. I took them up on it and today we met.

It was 90 minutes of me talking (and crying, because I am a cryer). Going over everything, from his conception to his birth, to how he was as a baby, and even potty training. She listened, asked a lot of questions, I hope I gave her all the information. Then she made some recommendations.

First is to follow up with the family doctor to see about testing for ADHD, depression and/or anxiety issues.I messages the doctor's office to see if they want to meet with me, him, both or what to get that started.

I'm supposed to talk to my EAP and find out what is covered and seek a psych-ed assessment. I will start that at work tomorrow. I also wanted to check what my insurance coverage is for psychologists and see if I need a referral first (we do).

She recommended a place in Ottawa that specializes in children with possible mental health issues, to help us learn collaborative ways to problem solve. That's free, I think I can call and talk to someone or we can go to a drop in time. We'll see first what happens with the doctor and EAP.

She gave me the names of some places I can go to talk to for support since she thinks I'm carrying all the guilt. I think those are free as well. But again, will wait to talk to EAP first.

She recommends a babysitter so I can go out sometimes. That's hard. We have a crazy puppy, the house is not at a point I'd want other people in it, to be honest I hate it myself and find it hard to keep everything sorted. Work in progress. Drives me nuts. We'll see how that goes!

She recommends Jackson be involved in a community activity. The problem there is he only wants to play hockey and it's expensive, so we need something else. I suggested swimming since he was so good at it. I wish he'd try again.

She recommended two books. One I can find and the other I cannot. So I'll start with the one I can find, I will get it on kindle Wednesday (pay day) as the waiting list at the library seems really long.

And she says to limit technology. None allowed in his room (he's up there now watching YouTube on his iPad) and none after 7 pm. That will be a big fight. He currently uses it to self calm before bed. We will have to go back to me staying with him while he falls asleep, starting it earlier, and for sure it will be a process. I may get him to take some melatonin before bed, at least for the first few days to help him calm his mind and hopefully sleep. Earlier bed time.

We have two "problems" that I can see at the moment, his refusal to go to daycare/school and his language/temper tantrums at home. I showed him the times that could work, explaining that I need to work a certain number of hours in the day, unfortunately he is not old enough to be home alone for long periods of time, so his choices are daycare before school and walk home after, daycare before and after but for shorter times, or daycare after and on PD days. He wants to go with what we are currently doing, but he doesn't like it. Well I don't like going to work either but sadly we all have to do things we don't like sometimes. Hopefully we can get through that bit!

I'll have a follow up phone call in 4 weeks, right after his birthday, and hopefully things will be improving, at home and at school. He had a note today that he needed to write two apology notes and he'd know why and to whom. I made him do it. He wasn't happy and will not tell me what all happened. I also got a text from the mom of a boy he walks home with that Jackson pushed him off the side walk into the street. Now first of all the other boy plays football and I'm sure weighs twice as much as Jackson. But that's fine, we spoke about it as I was outside going to check the mail when he got home and he was crying. He told me the two boys he was walking with were teasing him and wouldn't stop. The other boy's mom was with them and apparently got mad at Jackson as well, didn't seem to care that her son was calling him names. I told Jackson to avoid walking with them if he can. I know they go the same way he does so it's hard. And yes he needs to learn to ignore these things, but he's not there yet. So it goes.

I guess I need a "self care" plan as well... what can I do for myself to get through this? I'm not even sure to be honest. I know exercise, eating better, sleep should all be top of the list... we'll see!

Constant Battles

It feels like we are in a constant battle zone at our home. Everything I ask him to do is a fight of "I don't want to" or "Later". But later never happens. I am sooooo tired of this. I cannot keep doing it, I just can't! I'm exhausted and don't see how this will ever get better. I've tried limiting activities, he yells at me, calls me names, it's another fight. Getting out of the house in the morning on time, getting to bed on time, basic things like having a bath. When something is planned, something else is more "fun" so he doesn't want to leave the house, he'd rather play with his friends online.

I've made a chart, he does certain basic things and he's allowed to use the xbox or the ipad. But he still doesn't do them. And he still does use those things. I am so tired it's so hard to fight him. Exhausting. Friday night I went to bed, he stayed up until almost 11. How does that work? not well really.

I need to be firmer, stand my ground. But it ends up as a yelling match. With crying. and words we don't mean. I try to stay calm, and firm, but it never works for long. Never lasts. I wish we'd never gotten the Xbox, never let him play online, never let him use his iPad for Youtube watching. It's too late, the genie is out of the bottle. Now he won't play with toys, but he's only 8! He needs a "hobby" outside of those video games, and watching people play those video games. Next weekend I have him signed up to try an obstacle course class, I know it will be a fight to get him to go to it. As with everything lately. Fight to get him to school, daycare, fight to get him to bed, to go to the store with me. Everything. It's so exhausting. What can I give up on? He already refuses to bathe regularly, refuses to brush his teeth properly twice a day, brush his hair. Heck I did laundry this week and apparently he only changed his under pants once! But I know nothing and he won't listen when I give him why he should or shouldn't do these things. I'm stupid, I don't understand. He promises he'll do it at some point.

I'm failing. He is going to be a spoiled adult. He will be the one who blames everyone else, is always right, doesn't compromise or listen to others, and I don't know how to fix this any more. He was such a good kid, now he's a defiant child who thinks he is older than he is. He should be a kid. But he thinks he knows everything, and I'm not sure how to convince him otherwise. It isn't like he will suddenly start to do chores around the house or take care of himself properly. I can't win. And the Xbox and iPad need to GO. Heck even my own computer needs to go, perhaps the TV too? At least when we are together.

Something has to change, can't keep going like this. I just can't.

We have snow, already. It's going to be a long winter cooped up in the house. He has gone to a friends for dinner. I'll go get him around 7. Two hours to figure something out. Figure out how to limit these things and get him to participate in the house. I hope.

Sick kid, video games and connections

Jackson has been "sick" for almost a week now. He complains he is going to throw up, his tummy hurts, his head hurts. I cannot tell if he is being legitimate or if he is trying to avoid school, or daycare. He has already said multiple times that he doesn't want to go to daycare in the mornings. It's too early, his friends aren't there, it's no fun. So what can I do? He's been home from school four days now. I suspect his tummy issues are stress or anxiety related, rather than actually a virus or something. It could be related to diet, we don't always eat the best. But he does eat an apple a day, plus other fruits and veggies. I'm just not sure.

I did tell him no xbox the days he was home last week, but he played a lot over the weekend. The games turn him into a violent, reactive, foul mouthed child. And I hate it. I have tried to limit his time on it, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. When he gets to the point he's over stimulated by the game it's too late, he yells, I yell, we argue, and it does not end well. I am trying to limit things further but it is hard to find a balance of it. He plays online with his friends, and if he isn't playing he's wanting to watch YouTube videos of people playing. How does that make sense? I do not understand it. I fear he is quite addicted to the game and screens in general.

He is, and always has been, a sensitive child. Wearing socks can cause screaming matches. I finally found some with no seams in the toes that he can wear without a fit. But he also gets very upset if I am mad at him, or he thinks I am. He hates when his teachers are upset with him too. He places a lot of his self worth on being good at things, connects who he is with how well he can do something. If he makes a mistake it is the end of the world, he's the only one who has ever done such a thing, and he is worthless because of it. Self esteem is a bit issue for us.

So today a new plan because I can't miss more work. I wasn't planning to go today any way, but I thought I would have the day to myself to clean up a bit, and watch some Netflix. Instead we are working on a new plan and schedule.

He is walking home from school now, and I have been getting home a little before him. I will be changing my hours in November so get home later, and not have to use vacation days for PD days, so I can save those for the summer. That time from when he gets home until dinner is on the table he will be allowed to play OR watch his videos. Then we eat dinner together. After dinner he can choose a game, or toys, or a puzzle for us to do together, or we can walk the dog. Something together. Then he has homework or printing practice. He is quite upset that he loses marks for writing some letters backwards. So practice will hopefully help. I will contact the teachers to see if they can suggest something to help. He will be going up to his room by 7 to either watch YouTube or read, and then that's off by 7:30. He falls asleep with his light on, and I turn it off when I go to bed myself, but I will go up and turn it off earlier now. This should help him get a proper night sleep. I hope. He will still have early daycare until spring at least. I will see about starting work 30 minutes later, though that puts me getting home at 5 when we would normally be eating so I'm not sure I like that. We'll see.

We are also going to go through some of my paleo cook books and see what recipes he might like to try. We will try and clean up our diet more, do a whole foods type thing, less processed, less wheat/gluten. And see if that helps his tummy too. And my own. I haven't been very good about my own eating habits since the power outage. That was a good excuse to start eating lots of bread again. I need to clean it up so I can get back to feeling better myself. Plus I need to lose some weight! A lot of weight.

He is home today but will be going back to school tomorrow. No matter what. He's agreed to that. Hopefully I've covered the bases, more time connecting, less time on screens, healthier diet, better sleep habits. One of those should fix the sore tummy.

I know he is also worried about my dad. He's in the hospital with some heart problems. So strange because he is not a smoker, doesn't drink, eat a healthy diet, and was walking 5k 5 times a week. Now he can barely walk across the room. Sudden and dramatic. He's going for some more test this week, and hopefully it will be ok soon. Jackson is worried about him though.

He's also worried that I will put him up for adoption, that he's "bad" and I don't like him. He doesn't like it when I get mad at him. Which I understand, I was the same when I was a kid. I am hoping less screens, less xbox, and more time connecting, will help to fix that. It does make me wonder at my mothering skills though, perhaps I am a terrible parent who has been too lax, and made a monster. Which of course makes me feel terribly guilty, and also wonder how I could even think of having another child. Not only am a crappy mom but perhaps my son shouldn't have a sibling, how would he behave? Hopefully I am able to fix all this, but it is so hard to be a mom some days. We are very different in a lot of ways, this kid of mine and me. I am very much an introvert and I need alone time very much. He loves to be at least near people and not alone. It has been difficult for me, but as he gets older we find ways for him to be around friends and me to not. Still, how can I think I could do this again? Or with another child around? It needs fixing for sure. I need to fix it.

The great Ottawa tornado and power outage of 2018

Whelp. Power is finally back on. It went out Friday at 6pm and came back on today around 6pm. It was a long time with no electricity, no internet, spotty phone coverage. Nothing much in our house to eat that doesn't require cooking. We are also lacking in good flashlights or lanterns.

Friday was a hot humid day, there were thunderstorm warnings and then around 5pm, while we were eating, there were tornado warnings. We have had a few of those before with nothing to show for it. I kept the curtains open to watch the wind and skies while we ate. After dinner I was cleaning up when Jackson got upset because his game kept "lagging him out". The power flickered and then went out. No problem, it was still daylight so we went and found the flashlights and then decided what to do. We played cards in the kitchen while I tried to get through to hydro to report the outage and then check the status of it. The phone line, twitter and facebook were overwhelmed and I couldn't get through. Around 8pm nothing was back on and I finally saw a message that power was expected to be resorted by 10am. So I suggest an early bedtime since we were in the dark. No problem. We chatted for a bit, I left the flashlight on while he fell asleep. Then went to bed myself.

Saturday morning we got up, still no power, and nothing really to eat. No coffee, couldn't get cold water from the fridge, no ice cubes, I didn't want to open the freezer. So we had some warm tap water, a granola bar, and waited. We played some board games, then around 10am I told him to get dressed. My parent's place still had power and they said Jackson could take his xbox out there. So by 10:30 we were on our way. I packed him a change of clothes, jammies and toothbrush just in case. It took and extra 30 minutes just to get out of the area because all the traffic lights were out. We picked up McDonalds on the way for everyone. My dad hasn't been feeling well, is on a bunch of medications and has been resting a lot. He enjoyed lunch though. After his nap I took my mom up to the grocery store and we picked up a chicken for dinner. I also got some bread, PB, honey and water drops. Also a bag of chips. Since we hadn't brought the dog I knew I had to go home after dinner.

Jackson stayed at my parent's place and I came home to the dark. I couldn't find one of the flashlights, so it was a dark, quiet night for me! I went to bed early. I had bread and PB for breakfast, and checked for updates. They were saying our power would be back on by evening. Around 1 I went back to my mom and dad's. I took a load of laundry, and stopped at Walmart to get a lantern, better flashlight, and taco stuff for dinner. After dinner, while mom and I were cleaning up, my sister called. Power was back on! Phew. I told kiddo we were going home, and there was a chance internet wouldn't be working. I also got the notice that schools were closed Monday, so no work or school. Long weekend!

We got home, hooked the xbox back up, and internet is working. So we have a nice evening at home and tomorrow I have to restock the fridge and freezers. A few things can be salvaged but others need to be tossed. Sad part is I just spent a bunch on groceries Friday... all gone. At least we ate the steaks for dinner that night!

Jackson really enjoyed being at my parents. He wished we lived there. They have a very neat, tidy, uncluttered bungalow. We have a messy, toy filled, very cluttered two story. So he's agreed that tomorrow we will start to put things away and declutter. Toys first. We have a lot of them that he doesn't play with so we'll get rid of them, even if they just get stored in boxes for now. Once stuff is put away perhaps we will be more comfortable here. Who knows.

I did miss some of my shows Friday night, they didn't get recorded and now I will have to watch them streaming and probably with commercials. Oh well. This whole thing has really made me appreciate electricity. The city has suffered greatly, the tornadoes destroyed homes near where we used to live. The electric depot nearby looks like it was attacked by missiles. It's been very frustrating but also pretty cool. So many people have offered so much. People I have never met offered me ice and a place to shower. I didn't accept but it's still very cool to see people so helpful during a crisis. Now that power is coming back on we are trying to be conservative, but man do I like being able to watch tv! and have lights on.

Grade 4!

Jackson has started grade 4. He is doing French Immersion this year, it starts in Grade 4 at his school. He has half the day in English and half in French. He was quite pleased with who his teachers are this year, seems to like them all (so far). He has 4 teachers! Seems like a lot but I think it will be good for him. if there is one he doesn't get along with very well then he only has her for a short block.

He has first block in English - language, religion and family life. Second block is in English as well but with a different teacher, just for math. After lunch he has his Immersion class for science, phys ed, health, music and dance. Then last block is a different French teacher for language, social studies, visual arts and drama. He has friends in his class, as well as his Immersion class which is a different group than the other classes.

He does not like school, doesn't want to go, but hopefully it will go ok this year. He has two weeks of after school daycare and then he will be walking home. I have to sign some forms, but he is very excited for the responsibility. I got a lock box for the front door so he doesn't have to carry a key, just remember the code. It should work ok to start at least. We can see if it is going well or if we need to do something else. He will still have before school daycare because I don't trust him to leave the video games in time to get to school. We will see about next year!

I go back to work tomorrow, so am enjoying a final day off without kiddo, able to watch some something on TV, other than him playing video games. After this, no breaks until the long weekend in October! Ugh. I have enjoyed the time off. I wish it was longer, yet it was quite long. I think the pets are going to be sad tomorrow, especially the dog who spends the day in his crate. Hopefully he'll be able to be out soon, but right now he is just a terror! :-) He gets into stuff, loves to shred tissues and paper, and will do his business when he feels like it, so if I'm not home to let him out he won't hold it. We are working on that! He's good in his crate so I know he can do it, just doesn't like to I guess.

It's back to school and the temperature is hot, heat warnings in effect. At least kiddo's class room is air conditioned, not all of the rooms are. I imagine it will be hot at recess and if he decides he wants to walk home today. I give him the option these few weeks as practice. At least we are doing some walking.

Family

My dad is quite ill. It's strange because up until a couple months ago he was walking 5 miles a day. Now he has lost quite a bit of weight, and is on a bunch of medications. He is finally feeling up to eating again so hopefully that will help. He also has had a few tests done and more ordered. And he finally got a new family doctor in their new town. That is good at least, he'll have someone to follow his care instead of having to wait hours in the ER to speak to someone. I hope he feels better soon. My mom is still worried about him, but happy he's starting to eat again.

Jackson and I had a fight at bedtime one night. He told me he wants me to get married and find him a father. He thinks that if he had a dad he would never have to be alone, and he'd have more money to play his game. I tried to explain you can't just run out and get a man to marry, that I'm not really interested, it's hard work, and that it probably wouldn't go how he thinks. But he was quite upset. He then also said he just wants a bigger family. I kind of broke down and told him I am so sorry I never gave him a brother or sister. He gave me a hug and told me he doesn't need a brother or sister. But I do feel badly about it. Not so much the dad part simply because I really don't see the need.

We have seen more of our family these past few weeks than in the months before. I suppose that is a good thing, but it's also different. I am very much an introvert, though I love my kid and being a mom, I also love to be quiet and alone, reading or whatever. It is one thing I do love about vacation, just the two of us and not having to be around people all the time. I find that draining.

Now I just need to grow our family. A little. Though it will be hard, and expensive. I know it can happen. I do regret not doing it sooner. So much. But I will still move forward, and do this. I am old, and my eggs are old. There are options, and I will follow them as best I can.

Hot Summer

We are officially on vacation! For 4 weeks together. I had a few days off before he was done day care for the summer. He doesn't know that though. I was supposed to clean the house, reorganize furniture, do a bunch of stuff. But I didn't do any of it. I did watch some Netflix, catch up on some TV, and spend time wondering what to do. We don't really have any plans this year. No big trips, no Disney. We aren't even going to spend a week at my parent's because they live so close now.

Which has turned out to be a good thing. My dad is suddenly on a few medications and going for a bunch of tests. He has water on his lungs, heart arrhythmia, and went in to the hospital for tests because of his heart burn. Which they still haven't done anything about. My mom is all freaked out, she seems to think he's dying and she was supposed to die first... so it's been fun. My sister is upset because my mom is. And I, somehow, am the one calming them all down. My dad doesn't seem overly worried, he's on some pills which is surprising, he has always been active. Up until a couple years ago he was doing marathons. Until they moved he was walking 5 miles a day at least 5 times a week. He is in great shape, no high blood pressure, doesn't smoke or drink except an occasional glass of wine. He eats fairly well and isn't over weight, or at least not by much if he is at all. So who knows what is going on. I think he had walking pneumonia or something and it's affecting his lungs and heart. I think he also has sleep apnea, but hasn't been tested for it. I hope he will end up going for a sleep study. He has a CT scan with barium on Tuesday, and then we'll have more information.

It is odd that I am the calmest about it all. Being practical I guess. I have some worry but not a lot. Not sure why? I guess we'll see how things go next week. Monday we are going to help move stuff to the basement. It's finally finished so they can move the boxes from the garage, and some furniture, down to the basement. Jackson will just be entertaining I'm sure. My brother in law and nieces will be there as well. I guess it's good they are so close now, it's much easier to help.

There is a heat warning today. I wish we could get out but it's far too hot out there. Hopefully it will clear up evening so I can walk the dog. Or he'll just have to run around the house. I'd love to go get some ice cream, but I shouldn't. It's really good though, and it's so hot out. But I am trying to be good. And will need to be sticking to my diet plan sooner than later. Plus it costs money, which I should be saving. Donor egg IVF is rather pricey. 

I think I am settled on a plan of action. I have a plan for my health, a plan for finances, and am hoping to go to my doctor in September before I go back to work, so I can get a new referral, and also one to a psychologist so that will be covered by my work insurance. I think I could contact the EAP and they would likely give me some sort of consult free, but I'd like to be able to see someone who knows stuff about fertility. I'll need to do that before moving forward with donor eggs, etc any way.

I would like to go south this winter, but I can't because of zika, and financially it wouldn't make sense to do so. I need to save everything I have if I want to move forward. Plus I'm reluctant to go to an all inclusive. I've been researching them and it doesn't seem like it would be best for us. We do love to cruise, and go to Disney. My problem is the uncertainty in the US right now. Makes me reluctant to go there. Though I'm considering it for treatment. Oh well. I can't figure out where to go any way. Perhaps if I am successful we'll be travelling as 3 people at some point. But not likely until baby to be is 2 or 3. So in 4 years? Ugh. But that's ok.

I can do this. Somehow. I will figure it out. Somehow. Not sure why I am bothering with things to improve my egg quality when I know I'll need donor eggs. Doesn't make much sense. But I'll keep it up for now. Prenatal, CoQ10, Vitamin D, fish oils, vitamin C, magnesium and a B complex. Most of those are a good idea any way I think? And I'll add whatever is needed as I am closer to moving forward, I think there are a few things good to help with implantation.

So for now, we are on vacation. When school starts again in the fall the plan is for Jackson to be able to be an after school walker. It will save some daycare, give him some freedom, and should work out. I would be home 10 minutes or so after him most days. I will have to get a home phone, and work out something for the door so he doesn't need to carry a key. A smart lock with keypad would work. The home phone I'll sign up for next week, along with new internet, save a bit of money there too. I'd love to get rid of TV as well but there are still some shows I like to watch. For now the $50 or so I pay for that part is ok. If I can get the internet plus home phone for less than I currently pay for internet, well that sounds great to me. Then I need to get a lock and key pad, and we'll be all set. Well except for pants, shirts, shoes, snow suit, gloves, hats, boots, ugh!

What's next

I think I need to see a psychologist or something. I am having a truly hard time with decisions right now, and regrets. I wonder if talking to someone would help at all. I need a referral to have it covered by insurance. It has been a few months now of wondering what to do, wishing I had done something sooner when I thought of it, when I wanted to at first. Wishing that at 38 or even 41 I had moved forward and not made excuses. Perhaps excuses mean I don't really want to do this? I don't know. What I do know right now is that my doctor is on vacation, and by the time he's back I will be off with Jackson, and not able to go see him with kiddo in tow. So I will have to wait until September for that, if I don't change my mind, again. Until then I guess I will keep thinking about it. Try to eat healthier, take my supplements, and try not to spend too much money. Lots of thinking. Figuring this out.

I have read lots of other women's stories about how they had to mourn not having a husband or partner first, and then deciding to have kids any way. I've never had that, I have been in relationships, but I am more content on my own. I love being a mom though. Even though he does crazy things and at times drives me nuts, I love the bond and well, mothering. I think I have always loved that part, wanting to help others and take care of them. Most of my relationships have had that aspect to them, taking care of the other person.

The problem is that it would be hard, I can see how things that we do now would be harder with another baby in the house. Heck even the dog would be more difficult to manage with a baby around. Expenses, being able to travel. All harder with a baby. Yet those things don't really bother me. I know we'd make it work. My mom, she'd have something to say I'm sure. Even the process of appointment would be tricky with kiddo. If I decide I really do want to go to donor eggs in the US, that's travel that is hard to manage with kiddo around. I don't think taking him with me is a good idea, but options are limited.

I have been looking at AI's in the south for a winter trip, but know I can't do that if I want to get pregnant. The threat of zika is huge in my mind. Not worth it. But if I decide not to move forward then a trip will be needed. Normally we cruise but I am reluctant to go through the US with all of the uncertainty. Though I'm considering it for treatment. How crazy.

The funny part to me is I did not enjoy being pregnant. I was filled with worry, and actually had morning sickness the whole time. In the end I had to be induced because my blood pressure went up. I also had gestational diabetes. All in all, pregnancy was not fun. Even being induced, and labour, ugh! It was horrible. But of course the baby made it all worth it. I can hope that I know better now, and would do better now. I also hope that I would be able to use a midwife and have a better experience in general. It is one of the things that makes me question my decision though. I wonder if adopting would make more sense. But it's hard to do as well. So what do I do? Accept my past choices, and move on. Or keep thinking I have time to make a decision and make a new choice.

I guess I'll be doing a lot (more) soul searching, and perhaps try a bit of the secret. While reading up on my odds at 43, and 44... and possibly older? And eventually getting to talk to a professional.

Silly Kid

Jackson played on his Xbox almost all weekend. Way too many hours, but it was SO hot out I couldn't really blame him for it. Some of his friends were playing as well so he was talking to them over his headset. My dad got it for him, though the one he ordered is going back and has been replaced with one that connects properly. He is playing a free online game, but you can pay to buy things for it. Things that don't really help with playing the game, just "look cool". I have a hard enough time paying the fees to play the game monthly, I don't want to spend the money on something that frivolous! Especially when I need to save every bit if I intend to move forward with donor eggs, or even IVF.

We were talking about the new stuff at Disney that opened this weekend, and how long the waits are. I told him maybe we'd be able to go next year if I don't have another baby. He mumbled something about having a baby. I asked him what he said. He then told me doesn't want a baby brother or sister, who we should call Sam because it could be a boy or girl name. I asked why, just so he could go to Disney again? He said that didn't matter, but if we have Sam then we will have to buy more food, and then he won't be able to keep playing Xbox. I asked if that was all, he said there were other reasons. He told me that a baby would mean the house would be messier, he would have to share the Xbox. It was kind of funny. Nothing about having to share me, or not be able to go on trips, just concern that the baby would mean less "stuff" for him.

I do know my kid is spoiled, he basically gets everything he wants. We are working on that. I am working on my budget, and setting money aside for me as well. I tend to not get new things for myself until I have to. I am much more particular about what I will spend the money on now as well. I can't control what my parents buy the boy, but I can make suggestions.

I am still considering what to do about number 2, but I still wish I could use my own eggs and just do an IUI or two, much cheaper. But of course a much lower success rate. I think IUI and IVF would probably be about the same success rate now, of course using donor eggs puts that up significantly.

For now, I am trying to lose some more weight, and save some money. I will be cleaning the house up as well. Though I am reluctant to get rid of all the toys, perhaps we can sort them out and select the "best" to keep. I also want to take some supplements for egg health, and I guess I'll need another appointment with the fertility clinic. I do wish it wasn't such a process to get in, or perhaps not such a long wait. When I make the decision I would like to be able to do something about it then and not wait 3 months, during which time I am more likely to change my mind. I guess changing my mind is not the best? I know I will have to talk to a psychologist before I move forward, perhaps that will help.

Donor Eggs?

I haven't really let go of the idea of expanding my family. I am not at an age where I think doing IVF will be effective. And it would be expensive. So my options are limited. I have been looking at donor egg programs. To do so here in Canada would be very expensive with the eggs coming from the USA. I believe it would be about $30K for one attempt. I know there is a program in the US nearby where I could have a guaranteed baby through a donor egg program, and it would cost me about $50K (though I am not sure if that includes everything, and if it is in USD or CAD, which makes a big difference). I have also been looking into programs in Greece and Mexico. Both countries seem to have robust programs, at a significantly lower cost, but of course there is significant travel involved. There is a program in Syracuse, which is only about 3 hours away, so that is also an option I will explore.

In any case, any of these options will mean no trips for a bit, well unless I go to Mexico I guess! And they all require me to save a bit more than I have been. But I think I can do that, if it's $10K or something along those lines, that is doable. Even if it means no trips for awhile.

My parents have moved closer, they are about an hour away now. And we've been to visit twice already. Their new house is quite nice, and just about a perfect size. It is nice that we can go visit for lunch, or a few hours. Hopefully Jackson will still be able to go there for an occasional sleep over. Once everything is settled. They are still having some work done in the basement.

I am not sure what I will do, whether I will move forward or not. I am focusing on some weight loss, saving money, and cleaning/decluttering the house to make room for another member if I decide to move ahead with that. I have considered adoption as well, but it honestly seems like more work! I guess we'll see what happens. It's nice that I could do 18 months of mat leave, and that the daycare in Jackson's school has a new toddler and preschool program, it starts at 18 months.

Nanny & Poppy

We had another great trip. But it really over extended me, and I'm not sure when, or if, we will go again. It was amazing though. We really enjoyed the ship, the ports, the food, and the few days at Disney after. I do not regret going, but it was not a cheap trip.

When we got back my parents told me they were putting their house on the market in order to move closer to home. It sold really quickly, and they had to find a new place. Yesterday they moved in! It was super fast, and I think quite stressful for my mom, but they are closer now. Only an hour away. We went out to see the house today, it's really nice, new build, perfect size for them (or us!). Jackson really liked the place, and we walked up to Dairy Queen for ice cream.

I am not sure I'll ever be able to buy a house at this rate. I can't save fast enough to keep up with the way house prices are going up. Homes are selling for thousands over asking, quickly, often before they actually go on the market. And since kiddo has decided that he wants to stay at this school it greatly limits my options. At least when he hits high school the catchment is much bigger. But that's still 3 years away. He is only in grade 3! Almost done grade 3 though.

Work is work. I am getting my vacation this summer, my manager shuffled the team a bit when one person left in order to put me in a position that I could actually take the time off. Now my position from before has said they won't allow me to stay on loan for another year. The area I am working will need to move me permanently or send me back in September. At this point, both jobs sound interesting so I leave it to the managers to figure it out. The current job is in a much better location, parking is easier, and the commute is so much better. But I will do what I need to do for the job I guess.

We have no real plans for the summer. We will do some stuff around town, and a friend is off with her kids as well. Plus we'll go to my parents for a bit as well. I do want to declutter, get ride of stuff! Jackson doesn't play with his toys much any more, we can get rid of a lot I think. And hopefully it will make the house cleaner, easier to maintain, and just generally nicer to live in. I also am eating better, and moving more, but it's hard. I get started and then just fade off the workouts. I would like to do more, I just get tired, and eventually give up again. I keep trying, one day it will become a habit! I hope.

Best Laid Plans

I'm frustrated. I took a new position at work in the fall, on a temporary basis, and I like it. There is some stuff I do not like but in general the team is good, the work is interesting, I'm learning a lot. The manager sucks, and now she has denied my request for summer vacation. The first year where if Jackson doesn't go I don't have to pay, and I can't even avoid having to pay now! I am really upset about it. Perhaps more than I should be. We will survive, but it is very annoying and now I am left scrambling to find a new position, or return to a job I don't want to do. We go away in a few weeks, and when I get back I'll have maybe 2 weeks to find something new in time to get all the paper work done. I can't see it happening. So my choices become not taking the time off in the summer, or taking my full paid vacation and using unpaid leave in the winter. Which means having to save to cover that. Missing two pay cheques at once is different than losing the pay and having it averaged out over a full year.

It really sucks. I can't believe any potential savings from no daycare or summer camps is now gone, and I have to figure out where to send him, how much it will cost, and lose out myself! Maybe I am spoiled, I enjoy spending the time together in the summer, I enjoy taking the time off work. I'm not one who loves my job. It pays the bills, it's a necessity. But as soon as I can retire I will. And honestly in a few years when Jackson is 12 or so, he'll probably be staying home alone a few weeks of the summer any way.

At least we have our trip coming in April. We are going on another cruise and spending two nights afterwards at Disney. Everything is paid for at this point except gratuities on the cruise and spending money. I will take care of that all in two weeks. Sadly the Canadian dollar has been dropping so it's going to cost me more than it would have a few months ago. My plan going forward is to get a bit every month so it's easier in future. Not that we are supposed to be planning any more trips! But I know we will. I am hoping to take another trip next February or so.This winter has been long, and we need a nice break in the middle. December was too early, April is too late. I would do one on March break but it costs so much more for flights I just can't justify the extra costs. Mind you it means he misses school and perhaps that won't be possible in another year or two.

Now I need to think some good thoughts, picture what I want and wait for the universe to provide. I know things will work out, but perhaps not in the way I would really like. I have some contacts and will be sending off my resume and interest to a few managers and directors that I know. Hopefully something good will come of it! Quickly. I could probably manage this summer but I certainly have no intention of going through this every summer. It's clear what the manager's thoughts are and though the project is where it is because of a lack of leadership, and taking 5 extra months to staff up, the staff is now paying the price. I don't think I'm the only one who may be leaving, two of the other staff are term employees looking to become permanent and they both have possible offers. Hopefully the project doesn't fail, it is a great idea and would be great if it is completed.

For now, I am planning for Easter at my parent's and then our next vacation. All while trying to network as much as possible and find a new position... and of course while doing my actual job. My boss mentioned she hopes I don't just check out and that I will keep working... who says that? Any way! Shows what type of boss she is I guess.

I wish I knew what I would really like to do with myself. I have this job that I don't love, but it has a pension plan, benefits, usually great vacation, and room to move around. But I can't find that thing that I want to do. I am 43, and I can retire at 55, though I will probably work until 57 to get the years in I need, I don't think I will do much more than that, and it all depends if I am actually able to save up extra on top of the pension, and figure out where I would want to live. Not here as the cost of living is higher than many places. I also hate winter, so a place with a nicer one, or the option to spend winter some place warmer, is a necessity. Perhaps I won't want to be too far from Jackson? I don't know. I do know that I have 12+ years to go, I'm about half way through this career.

We had a team meeting today and were talking about summer vacation plans, one of the girls mentioned she has no idea what she wants to do this summer, or any other time. I can tell you exactly what vacation I want every summer and winter for the next few years... with some variation in exact dates for the trips I want to take. I am a planner. While my plans don't always work out, I feel better having them. I have a detailed budget, I know exactly how much money I will have on any day for the next two years. And I may go ahead and do the one after that soon since it bugs me that I haven't yet. Sometimes it is a good thing, and sometimes it throws me for a loop when things don't work the way I expect.

Change

I find this time of year I am wanting change. Normally, as I approach my birthday, I look back and see what I've done so far in my life, see what else I want, and feel bad that I'm not really where I want to be. When I was growing up, I didn't always think about the future, I had general ideas. I always imagined I would get a good job, get married, buy a house, have children. I never thought I would have a job like the one I do. I thought I would be a scientist, I would work in a lab or something like that. I always assumed I would get married, it is what people do after all. I sometimes wonder what types of dreams for the future Jackson has, or will have. He changes his mind daily, sometimes hourly, but I know he's still young so I tell him he can do or be anything he wants.

I no longer want to be a scientist. I don't really want to work at all. I wish I could stay home and spend time improving my home, taking care of my son, taking care of myself. I feel like I have never really found a job that I loved, but I know I have bills to pay and things I want to do, so I keep doing what I am. There are no real options for me. I can change positions, but ultimately it would be the same job. I am stuck though, I certainly cannot be without a job at this point. Even taking time off to get a different education, at this point seems somewhat pointless. Given my job and pension plan, I have 12+ years of work left.

I no longer want to be married. Though Jackson would like me to be. I find the thought of having to share my life, and decisions, at this point exhausting. There would, I'm sure, be some benefits, especially financially. I simply recognize that relationships are a lot of work, work that I am not interested in putting in. I have nothing against men, or relationships for others, I simply don't want to spend the time and effort myself.

I've said before in this blog that I wanted 3 children. I have one, and I love him. I wish I could have more, but I am not sure I am willing to go forward with donor eggs. I am not even sure I am willing to try IVF. But I also know IUI will likely not work. At this point my body is winding down on the egg production. I haven't had a period since November, missed December and January is technically late. I haven't had a reliable, regular cycle for a year or two now, so I know my time is up, or at the very least it would be very low chances. Financially, I am not really in a position to try any way. I have chosen to spend money on travelling instead of saving to buy a house, or do IVF. Is it the right choice? I don't know but we have certainly enjoyed the trips.

I do recognize that I need to stop the trips for awhile, save some money instead of spending it all. I do have some debt, and it needs to go. If I didn't have that, life would be a lot easier and freer. I know I need to follow a proper budget, pay off the debt and save some money. Maybe even buy a house someday. I like to buy things. Things I can't always afford. And I know it's wrong and bad, and I am trying to change. But like everything else in my life, change is hard. Even when it's necessary change.

Happy New Year

We rang in 2018 asleep. Couldn't make it to midnight! Kiddo was yawning by 9. I was tired too. At least he's feeling better. He was sick a few days after our trip, and we stayed home from work for two days, so I worked half a day after our trip. Oh well! I go back to work on January 8th.

Last year had us taking a lot of trips, and spending a lot of money. This year we have one trip planned, and after that I need to focus on not spending so much. I need to save money. I want to buy a house someday. We also spent a lot on the pets, including the puppy. He is still a work in progress. I think we should have gotten an adult instead of a puppy, he is a lot of work and I cannot wait for him to calm down a bit.

I'm not really sure what our goals, or what my goals any way, are for the coming year. I want to be healthier, lost some weight, save some money. All the usual goals. I also plan to make a final decision on the second baby front.

I will need money, since I expect that I will need to use donor eggs at this point. I will be 43, my cycles have gone wonky, though I don't mind when it decides to skip a month! Well, except that I do feel much older than I am. Or perhaps I am as old as I feel? I need to lose some weight if I want to do donor eggs as well, I think I am close to the limit of what the BMI they will work with allows. I need to make the decision and feel ok with it. I may need to speak to someone, a professional. To sort out my feelings and help focus on a decision.

I think 2018 will be as any other year, me trying to be healthier, trying to do better with money. Kiddo will grow up and be himself. He will complain about having to go to boring school, he will hopefully do some swimming lessons, and perhaps play a sport. I will have to decide if he is going to do French immersion for grade 4. He isn't too happy in school right now. He complains that he doesn't really have any friends, no one cares about him, they are mean, and his teacher takes everyone else's side. I know he is smart, and has trouble because he is ahead of the curve in a lot of ways, and yet younger than the other kids since he is a December baby.

I have a week left until it's back to work. I hope I get some time to myself, I am very much an introvert who likes to be alone and kiddo is the opposite, wanting to be with me all the time. I love him, and love spending time with him, but it can be a bit much. And he doesn't understand, thinks it means I don't care about him or like him if I need time alone. How to deal with that? Not sure, but working on it. Usually I get some time after he's in bed, and that helps. But he has been staying up late because we're on vacation. So not time alone for me! It's only a week. Hopefully the cold lifts at least enough so we can go sledding or something. It has been cold warnings since before Christmas, a long time with terribly cold weather. It would be nice to get out and about. Even in winter.