New Year, Lots of Changes

For 2014 I have a long list of things I want or need to change. Some are easy, I have a new job I am starting on January 6th, it's really just a new position in the same building, same pay and all of that, but new people to work with, a new boss, and new challenges. I am hoping it's finally getting me back to something that I enjoy doing, or at least don't hate doing. That is actually the easiest change, it was lined up since just before my surgery at the end of November. I am looking forward to it, and to it being the first of many changes.

The second big change for me will be my health and weight. I am technically obese. How horrible a word that is, and how horrible it makes me feel. Which makes me want to eat to drown my sorrow. And there we have the reason perhaps?  I have already started on that journey as well, to lose weight and get healthier. I started my diet a couple days ago, right now it is pretty strict, with little variation, mostly to get me over the sugar/caffeine/wheat withdrawal symptoms. I find if I have no choices I tend to stick to it easier, if I have to think about it I will make the wrong choices, or too much of some choices. So I am being very strict and monotonous, same meals daily, probably for 6 weeks or so.

For now I am having a shake for breakfast, one for lunch with a salad, and a serving of protein and vegetables for dinner. The shakes have berries in them, and spinach too, or other baby greens, as well as a high quality protein powder with whey and casein protein (trying to avoid soy of course). Lots of water, and tea with no sugar (gross!). I can't drink my coffee black so it's out for awhile. I am hoping to get down to at least just over weight by my birthday in February. Once I have settled in to it I will add in more vegetables and varieties, I will mix things up a little bit. Generally though, I will be pretty boring for a few weeks. Because I really only eat dinner with Jackson during the week it should be pretty easy to just add on a carb for him, either some noodles or rice (his favs) or a potato perhaps. His other meals are different from mine any way, and I will be making him his eggs on the weekends, he loves that for breakfast. He often eats breakfast at daycare so no worries on that either.

I will be starting yoga tomorrow. I am doing it for exercise and for stress relief. I have some short yoga DVDs and will rotate them everyday after I get home from work and before I go get kiddo. I have about 30 minutes to do the yoga and prep dinner, or get all the other chores done. Yoga is a priority though, I need to do that for me and to help me relax and sleep. Once I'm in the habit, perhaps after a week or two, I should be getting up early to do a 20 minute cardio workout, I have lots of short ones, like 1 mile walks with Leslie Sansone, perfect length and easy to do when half awake. It will mean getting up when my alarm goes off at 5 but I know I feel better when I do, and Jackson does sleep better now so I get a full night sleep.

All of this, of course, is leading up to getting a referral in February, and hopefully getting to see a fertility doctor in April. I think it's 4 to 6 weeks wait for an appointment. Then 6 weeks or so for all the tests to get done. Which gives me 12 weeks to keep working on all of those habits and be healthier before I try any IUI's. Getting pregnant would be a huge change, and one I am really hoping works for me. I intend to do no more than 4 attempts, I am hoping the first will be unmedicated but I will do whatever the doctor tells me I need to. For fertility I am doing the diet, yoga and taking a few supplements. I intend to start CoQ10 around my birthday as well, to improve whatever eggs I have left. I know I can't afford IVF, so if I can't do IUI's I will have to reevaluate things.

Being a parent is a pretty amazing job, and I think I am doing ok at it. We have our moments of course, and "fights". In general I have an amazing kid, and hope I am lucky enough to have another one. I will be working on being a better parent during the year as well, paying attention and learning to play more. Trying not to yell and give ultimatums. As well as enjoying the moments, kids grow up so fast, it's amazing. Seems like just yesterday  my little boy was learning to walk and talk, now he is having conversations about dinosaurs, knows most of their names, and loves to run races. Crazy.

Financially I need to reign in my spending, and focus on only getting what we need. I know I will need to rebuy things I had for Jackson when he was a baby, because he will be 5 when baby 2 is born, and we moved, I got rid of a lot of things. I do know what I really need though, and what I can skip. It will be interesting. I am putting Jackson on an allowance in order for him to buy any more toys. For now he has some money in his piggy bank, and he can earn more by doing his simple chores, which is a win win for me, he does some chores and earns the money to buy his toys instead of getting more whenever he wants.

I am pretty excited for what the new year will bring us. I know I won't stay up until midnight, I haven't stayed up that late in years :-) The next six months will be busy with getting myself, our home and our finances ready to have another baby. Lots of work, but also lots of fun. Challenging and totally worth it.

Ah Christmas

Age 4 is pretty awesome for Christmas time. He "gets it" and really was looking forward to everything, in the morning he enjoyed all the toys, and opening all the presents, as well as giving gifts to everyone. He had fun playing with his new dinos, watching his new movies and eating some treats and candy. He also had a lot of fun at my sister's for dinner.  I didn't really take any pictures, there was just not really any time!  He didn't get up too early, and fell asleep well the night before. He was so excited to see what Santa had left and was extra excited because there were a few things he hadn't asked for. I think next year will be just as exciting, unless someone gives away the secret in school.

I am off until January 6th, but daycare is actually open next week so Jackson will be going any way, I'm paying for it and he enjoys it. We are off together this week, tomorrow we are going to a movie, and the weekend will be our usual activities. I am also going to be looking into getting him into some martial arts sooner or later. He's 4 now and I think that's when it starts.

I got some nice gifts as well, more than I expected to get. I got stuff I wouldn't have bought for myself, which is I guess the point. I think my parents and everyone liked the gifts I gave as well. One thing my sister got me was a haircut gift certificate, so I'll make an appointment for next week to get that done, I hope!  I'll call tomorrow to get that scheduled.  A benefit of being off without kiddo.

When I return to work I'll be on a new team, doing a new job. A new start in the new year?  I wonder what else the new year will bring. I am hoping that by this time next year I'll be pregnant again, but I guess we'll see on that!  I've been taking magnesium at bedtime, it is actually helping me sleep, and keeping things regular as well. I hope it does help with morning sickness as I've read it will. I seem to be having a normal cycle and ovulation is supposed to be soon, I think I may use some of my cheap OPT's to see if I can catch it, just to practice. I'm temping and all of that. I will go for a checkup on my birthday in February and get a referral to the local fertility clinic. It's the only option here unless I want to travel, which I can't really do. I think it's about 4-6 weeks to get my first appointment, which I expect will be where I get sent for tests etc. Those will probably take another 6 weeks. Then I guess I'll get to know if this is possible, and start looking for sperm.  I can't use the same (known) donor I did with Jackson, so will need to find a new one, and that will be a new adventure. I hope to find one similar to who I used before, so I will probably take advantage of photo matching once I narrow my choices down.  In the end I am not that worried about it, everyone says Jackson looks like me any way, which I do agree with.

I am a little worried, I will be turning 39 in February, and 40 when baby is born (if I am so lucky). I really need to spend the next few months getting myself in better health. And I am worried about having two kids, balancing that. But I think at least the first year will be "easy" since Jackson will be in school while I am home on mat leave with the baby. Benefit of being in Canada, year long mat leave. Jackson being in school allows me day time to focus on the baby, and spend evenings giving him a little extra time and cuddles. I think Jackson will be a big help, and happy to help. Of course I may be wrong.

A little off the Christmas track I guess.  Sorry to get so off track. I am a little distracted I guess, with thoughts of how to get to where I want to be. My secret wish is for 3 kids, but I'm sure I can't handle twins, and even more sure I'll be too old to have two more babies. So I really need to get one more, somehow.

The minds of children

Jackson has a very good imagination. He comes up with things that I find hilarious, and occasionally it causes some problems. Usually at bedtime when his mind is going with something he's got in there. Last night it was the Grinch. I guess the read the story during school and he was worried that the Grinch was going to come and steal our Christmas. It caused him to not go to sleep, but it took awhile to get it out of him. So we now have a date to watch the old cartoon, hopefully it will show him that the Grinch only bothers the Who's and also that he turns good in the end.

Jackson does not like bad guys. He has asked that we not watch anything else with a bad guy. He is going to Catholic school and at this time of year they are talking about Jesus a lot. Jackson knows the basics, he was born and he died. We were talking about it, and he asked me if Jesus was killed by a bad guy. I confirmed this was the case and he told me that black spiderman is a bad guy so perhaps he did it. While trying not to laugh I told him I didn't think that was right.

It is pretty amusing to realize what he has going through his mind. Pretty amazing too. He is almost constantly thinking about something, his mind working to figure everything out. And learning! He learns so much. He was funny tonight, he can add same numbers, so 1+1 or 2+2, but ask him to add different number, like 1+2, and he has a hard time. So we've been talking about that. Tonight we figured out all the ways you could add up numbers to equal 7. He was pretty amazed. It is incredible to see how much he is learning now in school. I know it will increase even more as the year goes on, and next year when he starts full days. I know I'm biased but I think he's pretty smart, and much like me will be good with math and sciences, rather than writing and reading.

Tomorrow we are going to a kid's workshop at a local hardware place. It's free and the kids make a snowman napkin holder, which will be a gift for the grandparents for Christmas. I thought it sounded like fun, and am hoping he does well with it. He doesn't have a lot of patience for doing crafts and such things, he tends to scribble, finish and that's it. So we'll see how it goes, at least it's free, and a two hour time filler for the weekend. It is supposed to snow a lot this weekend, so we'll get it all done before that starts, the craft thing and some groceries.

On the baby planning front, I have been reading a lot about prenatal and pregnancy nutrition. Interesting article about magnesium and morning sickness. Because I had it quite badly the first time I'm interested in preventing it if I can. So I will be starting to take it Monday before bed, provided it arrives by then. I believe it's supposed to help me sleep as well, which would be nice. I am tempted to try giving some to Jackson :-)  I will be starting CoQ10 closer to when I plan to make my tries, partly because it's kind of expensive, and partly because I don't want to waste the effort if I have no chance any way. I'm already taking a multi and folic acid. I will probably add in B12 and vitamin D, which I think I may need in the winter any way.

Right now I think I agree with Jackson, Christmas is too far away, and some things take too long to arrive.

Fourth Birthday Party

Today we had Jackson's 4th birthday party. He really enjoyed it, as did all of his friends. We went to a local play gym, Gym Tale, and they run a good party. It was 2 hours long, the first half hour was play time on the structure, then 30 minutes of structured play, and finally an hour in the party room with pizza and the cake. We invited 10 friends but only 8 were able to come. Two were his best friends at his old daycare and he was very happy to see them again. The rest were from the new school & daycare, some from his class and some from only daycare. There were only 2 girls, though 4 were invited. The party was a lot of fun, very well run, and I think well worth the cost.

The structured play involved first an obstacle course, with a trampoline, a climbing wall, slide, and some tunnels. Then there was a "battle" against the bad guy Dr Blue. Dr Blue was one of the employees dressed up in a special suit and the kids all threw balls at him until he was "killed".  I was a little surprised that the kids were so willing and quick to get into it.  Two were scared and cried, not surprised. Jackson was actually scared as well but did manage to get into it.

The kids fighting Dr Blue

After all the play time there was some colouring and then some pizza.  The kids all ate pretty well, some faster and better than others of course. Finally it was time for the cake. My sister made a dinosaur cake, it turned out really well and Jackson loved it. It is a layer of vanilla and a layer of chocolate inside. The dinosaur is made from rice crispie squares, but we didn't eat that part.

Dinosaur cake! Rawr!!

Happy Birthday Boy after the candles

Because eating and cake didn't take as long, they kids got an extra 10 minutes to go play on the structure before it was time for pictures on the couch. It was hard to get a good picture!  This is the best shot, with most of the kids looking ahead.  

Sachi, James, Jack, Aidan, Nolan, & Jackson
Elisa, Julianna & Owen

We didn't have time to open presents there so brought them all home to open. Jackson was of course thrilled with everything. Especially the Play Doh garbage truck. You know, the one he asked Santa for that I have upstairs in the closet.  Looks like we are doing an angel tree kid at work.

All in all, it was a great party and well worth the cost. I didn't have to do any cleaning up or preparing, just made loot bags, my sister made a cake, and voila! Instant party.  I did give Jackson the option of a "ninja" party, at a local martial arts place or the place he chose.  We'll see what next year brings!  They do offer encounters with a princess or super hero. But I thought the party was enough, no need for Spiderman this year at least!  Now I hope he's invited to some parties himself, most of the parents just dropped off their kids, which would be kind of nice.

Recovery and rest

Surgery went well, I guess. I think. It was quite strange, to fall asleep and then wake up with a piece of me missing. It has been an ok recovery so far. I have not had a lot of pain, I haven't had to take any strong pain medicine, only tylenol. So that's good at least. Mom and dad were here to help me out, which was great. At least Jackson was well taken care of. He enjoyed having them here as well. Jackson has been pretty good about my restrictions, he knows I can't pick him up though he does still ask sometimes. He is difficult at bedtime, I think part of it is worry and part of it is just being almost 4.

The timing hasn't been great. My poor kitten broke his leg on Saturday and it's been a roller coaster getting that fixed. He is in a cast now, the second one. First one he pulled off. He is on antibiotics and pain medicine for a few more days. In 6 weeks he'll get the cast off.

The problem is that I think my dog did it. I am not 100% sure, there was snarling and then awhile later the cat was holding his paw up and hissing. So I've made the decision to rehome the dog. I have an online friend who is helping me get him into a rescue, though it may take until after the holidays. I think it's best for him over all. Given his history I don't think the humane society would take him. Though I also hope it doesn't come to that.

The issue with the cat has certainly cost me a lot of money. I think I am still on track to start trying in June or so. I plan to ask for a referral around my birthday in February. I am assume 6 weeks to get in and 6 weeks for testing, then ready in June to try. The temping hasn't been going well, but I think it doesn't matter too much since the surgery likely messed a few things up internally. I will try once I'm able to sleep more than 3 hours in a row.  Sleep has been difficult lately,between my own surgery and the cat having problems, it's been a long week!

Adding to my stress has been a work change. I have been unhappy in my job for a little while now, it is simply not something I feel comfortable doing. So I put my name in the work job bank and last week Tuesday I was called by another manager to "meet and greet" and discuss an opportunity in his area. I met with him Wednesday and then Thursday late he offered me the position!  I asked for a few days to think it over since I had the surgery on Friday. I talked to my current manager, and on Monday I called to accept the job. I start on January 6th after my Christmas holidays. I am excited about the opportunity, and new challenge. My current boss mentioned that this new position seems to be more in my comfort zone, but that to move ahead I may need to push beyond that (like I do in my current position).  I agree, but I have 19 + years left until I can retires, so I think I have time to worry about that later. Plus I'd have to learn French, managers all need to be bilingual and I am not.

It's been quite a week or two, and I am looking forward to it being quieter. But tomorrow is Jackson's birthday party, and Monday he turns 4. So that may not happen for awhile!  After all that it will be Christmas soon. I have taken off from Dec 25th and go back to work on Jan 6th. Jackson is coming to work with me on the 24th, and his daycare is closed on the 27th, so we'll be together for a few days, but I may send him to daycare when they are open. I could just use some time to get myself sorted out a little bit, and be able to focus on me, my health, and rest. I don't think I have had a good sleep in weeks, perhaps years ;-)

Worry and what if

I go for my surgery on Friday. I'm a little worried about it. I know it's a simple procedure and laproscopic, and supposed to be quick and easy really.  But I'm still worried, I mean they knock you out for it, and they take a piece of me out!  I am sure it will all be ok, but when you have a kid, these things worry a mother. I am very glad that my parents are coming to take care of the kid, while I'm recovering at least, and to take me to the hospital and all that. At least it's a day procedure, so I'm not there over night or anything. I can't handle that again! Not right now any way.  It does remind me that if I do have another baby, I will likely have to stay in the hospital for a few days, at least it was a week last time. I talked to a friend who has had the same surgery done, she said it was an easy recovery and I don't need to worry. So I do feel better knowing that.

I am kind of excited to get started. But I know I need to recover from surgery, and lose some weight first. I need money too. I know I'll get a tax refund at the end of February, which should be enough to get started. I turn 39 in February too.  I will go for a referral then, and go from there.  I imagine it will take awhile to get to be seen by the clinic, and then tests and what not. So probably not until May or June will I get to try. Until then I am temping, and will use some ovulation tests to see if I am doing that. Not this month though, the surgery will likely mess things up as the hospital stay did.

There are moments when I wonder if I can do it. Moments when my kid drives me nuts, when he is just too much for me, when I cannot take one more whiny moment. But the good outweighs the bad, and he is a good kid 90% of the time. I have other moments when I really wish I'd done something sooner, so they'd be closer in age and better able to play together. But I also think it will be nice to have Jackson in school while I'm on mat leave with baby. I think that will be ideal really.

We put up the tree this weekend, Jackson really enjoyed decorating it, so the bottom half looks fabulous and loaded with ornaments. The top half that I did is a little less done. But over all it is quite pretty and I'm glad it's up and decorated. I would normally wait until December 1st at least but with me not able to get it up the stairs then I figured it had to be now.

I'm ready for the surgery. Well sort of. I don't know really. I hope I am. I know I need to do it, and I will feel better once it's done. Then the real work begins.

Imagination

Jackson seems to have inherited my love of imaginative play. I have always enjoyed pretending, I used to dress up and pretend to be all kinds of things, I would reenact movies, tv shows, books. I would pretend to be a character in a show.  The past week or so Jackson has had us reenacting shows we've watched, most notably Dino Dan where he plays the dinosaurs and I get to be all the other characters. We even re-did the Santa visit. Both of us took turns being Santa and the other being the little kid. I refrained from sitting on his knee and sat beside him instead.  I was told my desire for $1 million for a gift was not a present and had to pick something more toy like. I enjoy it, but also find it somewhat silly and have a hard time getting into it. I'm not sure at what point I lost that ability, but I am trying to recapture it.  I will say though that I wouldn't mind if he would get to a point where he can play like that by himself.  I'm sure he will.

We have a busy time coming up, so we went to see Santa last night. Jackson asked for the garbage truck play doh, two mighty machine movies (the only two he doesn't already have) and switch and go dinos. Luckily I knew this already and have ordered (and received) the gifts already, so we are set. I just need to pick up a few things for stockings and myself. I always get myself new socks, weird but true! I have been trying to get everything done since the surgery is coming up. I won't be able to carry anything too heavy so we'll be putting up the tree this weekend. I am not sure where to put it but we'll figure it out.

I am a little nervous about the surgery. I know it's laproscopic, and I go home that day. I should be able to walk and stuff pretty quick, and hopefully I'm not too drugged up from the anesthetic. I am scared it will hurt a lot, but hopefully it won't be as bad as the last attack I had.

My parents are coming down on Thursday and will go home Monday. That is great, and also sucks. I love my parents but I like my space, and life the way it is. When they are here things get changes. They already have a bunch of stuff planned for the weekend, which is great for Jackson, but one of the things they are doing is a birthday party for him at my sister's. And that irritates me. He is my kid and I should be at his parties. Hopefully I will be up to it, even if I can't really eat. I know I should just be grateful that they are coming and will be taking good care of Jackson. But I just am annoyed.

I am still hoping to try for two. But since my cycle is totally messed up, I'm on day 31 now, I have no idea what's going on, or if I'll be able to. I know I should get checked out, especially before I get too attached to this idea, but I'm a little scared. I don't want to know, but I need to.

Second thoughts

I'm having my gallbladder out Nov 29th. Quick. Two weeks away. I'm anxious to have it over with, but also scared. Though I've heard it's not that bad, and recovery is pretty quick. It will be nice to not have another attack. Once it's done, I hope I'm able to eat a better diet, more variety. I will also try and focus on losing weight. I'm not allowed to lift anything over 10lbs for a month, so exercise will be limited I guess, walking should be ok I hope.

And then I think I am going to try for a second. I'm not entirely sure why, I mean by the time I'm able to try and have a second, Jackson will be almost 6. I will be 40. But I still want to try. It will be hard, and I know my parents will freak out, but I can't not try.  Jackson has been talking about being a brother, and asking for a baby. Not that having a second child is up to him of course! But at least right now he's not against the idea.

So I have a plan. Right now I will start temping again, to see if I can figure out my cycle. It's been messed up the past few months, getting shorter, and of course this month it's back to "normal" so what gives?  Annoying!  I will be good about taking my multi vitamin, and vitex, hopefully also the fish oil/omega 3's. In February, a few months before I will ask to get a referral, I will start taking CoQ10.  I have to investigate what else might help. I've heard evening primrose, but I don't think it would help my particular situation.  I will be cutting grain and sugar after my surgery, not right away though, but by January for sure. I hope to go for the referral in May, and I think it takes a couple months to get seen at the centre, plus the testing, so I'd be aiming to actually try in July or August. I will probably only do 4 tries, if that doesn't work then so be it.

I will keep looking at other ways I can get healthier, have better eggs.  I'm willing to try massage, accupuncture, seeing a naturopath, chiropractor. I think all of those are covered by my health care, but need a prescription for the massage at least. Shouldn't be too hard to get one I think.

It's a little sad that I got rid of all of Jackson's stuff. I still have only a few things, his baby bath, his infant car seat (which may be expired!), a small bin of clothes, a handful of cloth diapers no one would buy, and a few sheets and blankets for a crib.  I'll have to budget for all of the replacement stuff for sure. Shouldn't be too bad though, I am a much better shopper now, taking advantage of point plans, coupons, deals, sales, and even knowing that some brands are the same as the generic. I'd also use cloth from much earlier.

So yeah, I've changed my mind. Not sure why really. I can't quantify it or justify it. But I am happy with the plan, and better follow through.

A sick mommy

I've had some gallbladder issues in the past, about a year ago I had some very bad pain and procrastinated getting anything done about it.  This time I ended up going to the emergency room. It took me 5 days to go in, and I was eventually sent home, told I have gallstones, was scheduled for an MRI and a scope procedure to follow up and remove the stone. While I was in the emergency room Monday I called my parents, so my mom came up to stay with me and the boy.  Mom arrived Tuesday, which was a huge help. She was able to stay with Jackson while I went for the MRI on Tuesday evening, which showed stones and a blockage so the appointment was made to use the scope to get it out on Thursday afternoon. But by mid-Wednesday I was in so much pain even the magic pills they had prescribed didn't help. So I went back to the ER and this time was admitted. Turns out I had pancreatitis.  It is one of the most painful things I have ever experienced, I think it was worse than labour!  I was pumped full of morphine and gravol and it diminished but didn't get rid of the pain. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything for about 36 hours, hooked up to an IV and basically slept and got more drugs. Finally Thursday I got the procedure to remove the stone, which wasn't there any more! I was eventually discharged Friday night around 8:30 pm. And I went back to work Monday.  I will still have to have my gallbladder out at some point, probably in a few months, there is a wait list of course. I have a meeting with the doctor tomorrow, so we'll see from that. My parent's will probably have to come back.

This is one of the times when having family for support is really great. But I would still prefer to do everything myself. I don't think that having a spouse would be enough in this particular situation, I've had to have someone watch Jackson and drive me to or from the hospital.  All in all, it's really frustrating to not be able to manage these things on my own. I will be very happy when my gall bladder is out though, if it eliminates the pain I felt.

Jackson got to enjoy Halloween even without me. My brother in law took him trick or treating, in his dinosaur costume. And my mom was here to check his candy, and take some video of him going through it all. Some of my favourite quotes "I can't believe people buy this stuff and give it all away!" And his excitement over finding a "candy cane 3000" in his bag. Which I believe was a jolly rancher that ended up getting tossed because no one could get it out of it's wrapper.  He is very happy to have so much candy to eat, and asks for it all the time. It is difficult to limit it for sure!  He doesn't like the chocolate bars much, which of course is a problem for me since I'd love to eat them all, but can't because of the gall bladder stuff.

Next up is the big fourth birthday party. I have booked the party at a play gym, they get an hour of play time and then an hour in the party room for pizza and cake. I have bought loot bags and filler for them, and printed the invitations, which I have to get ready. I am just not sure of the timing of these things, how much notice do I give?  I do need to email two of his old daycare friends, so those will be emailed instead of actual invitations.  I have booked the party for 8 kids and he wants to invite 10.  Can you see a math problem? I am hoping 3 will be unable to attend. This is his first big party, every other year it's been just family and close friends. This is all daycare and school friends, I really hope it goes well.

After that of course is Christmas. I bought some lights to put up outside, and a few more ornaments for the tree. I am not sure where we will put the tree this year, but it will probably go up on December 1st, and we will be attending the Santa parade that night as well. Jackson wants many new toys, of course, so we'll have to work on narrowing that down and picking one or two for Santa's list. Should be fun.

A sick boy

Last night Jackson woke up around midnight crying, so I of course went in to check on him. He felt a little warm, and I knew it was going to be bad news come morning! I was right, a minor fever and a runny nose. I asked him how he felt, he said he was sick so I called everyone to say he wouldn't be there, I wouldn't be at work. And voila! A day home with a little boy. We went out this morning to pick up some more juice and chicken noodle soup. His fever seemed to go away, but as the day went on it got worse. He complained I hurt him when I was moving him, which I think was really just fever aches. Of course he refused all medicine and just kept asking to go outside to play... umm no! So now he's in bed asleep already. Poor kiddo. He finally took some ibuprofen to help the fever, and hopefully help him sleep. I feel somewhat certain we'll be home again tomorrow, and if so I'll take him to the doctor to get checked out, though I'm pretty sure it's a cold/flu thing, you just never know!

We've been having some stress in the house. Issues with the dog, who bit a little girl. I say bit because that's all you can say to describe it but the girl walked into the house uninvited and the dog charged at her, she ignored the barking and growling, you know "oh a doggy!", so he snapped at her and nicked her nose. Well she had a scratch on it after about 10 minutes any way, I assume it was him. So he has been quarantined, and I've been struggling to deal with the what to do about him. We are seeing an amazing dog behaviourist on Sunday to have him evaluated and I'll go from there. But it's been stressful, and of course no walks means the dog is even more nuts than he usually is.

And money. I am having some serious money issues and I'm not sure why. I make a good salary, though I know my rent is higher than last year, and I guess that's it. It seems like I will never get ahead, no matter what I try. But all I want is to buy stuff, things, go on a trip, do stuff. It sucks. I know it will get better someday, it has to. Right now though, I wonder what I'll do for the next two weeks to make ends meet.

He wants me

We had a relatively good week. There were some issues, one day he was hitting the other kids and saying "I'm the boss". But we talked about it and read again about the No Hit Hula, which seems to help, though I'm not there when he's in his mood at school or daycare so perhaps it doesn't really help.  He was asking for Baby Bop one night at bed time. It took me until I went to bed almost 3 hours later to realize he was asking for baby belle cheese.

This weekend has been really nice.  Saturday we went hiking in the woods, and saw a lot of wild life. We fed some ducks, and saw little red squirrels and chipmunks.  It was really nice and enjoyable. He climbed a fallen tree, played on rocks and tree stumps. It was nice and fun, the weather was cool but good.  We then spent time in the yard cleaning up the garden, and then out front where he rode his various bikes and drew pictures with some chalk on the driveway.  We watched the new Jake and that was exciting, then it was bedtime and of course he had to talk quite a bit.

I have realized that what makes him happy is me. He wants me. To pay attention to him, to play with him, to entertain him, and to involve him. Friday he helped put the stew ingredients in the crock pot, and was so excited that he helped.  This weekend he helped me do the laundry, putting things into the dryer, folding towels, and putting things into the washer.  He also helped put his stuff away in the end.  He really just wants to spend time with me.

I see it when I drop him off at daycare, he wants me there, he doesn't want me to leave, just wants to go back home with me and hang out. I know we can't do that everyday, but I do wish we could too. I know it will pass so I am trying to enjoy it.  I think part of it right now is all the changes of the new school. He's looking to me for stability and security.

Funny thing he's been doing is pretending he has a baby sister. Today at the park he put her on the swing and was pushing her... it was a little strange but he has a very active imagination and is very creative. The daycare teachers have commented that he is very verbal, he talks a lot. Yeah I know that. I guess part of it is because I have always talked so much to him. Now I don't get the chance to since he is constantly talking! I know there is more to it of course but I am not a big talker normally, I am the quiet reserved type who really only talks when I have something to say. But I talked to him a lot while he was growing, even when he couldn't talk back. He didn't say much until around 16-18 months, then he started... and never stopped!  He uses some words in strange ways but generally is really good.

We have been talking about lies and truth, and about "bad words" like hate. He has started saying things like "I hate you" and I don't like it, so we talk about how that is not a nice word and we don't use that here. He is learning, and soaking it all up. He is learning that lies are "telling stories" and that he should not be doing that. I am hoping the hate word goes away soon.

I wish I could stay home with my boy, at least not have him in daycare even if he's going to school. I have some guilt over it, that because I did this on my own I don't have the chance to stay home with him, to be there more for him. I ship him off to daycare, and if I had done better with money, with relationships, I wouldn't need to do that. It's fleeting, but the guilt is there. There is a lot of guilt over a lot of different things, I screwed up my credit so we can't buy a house, I screwed up savings and spend too much so we can't buy a house or have another baby, I screwed up the money so he'll be an only child forever because now I'm getting too old, I eat badly and am unhealthy so I can't have another baby.  Lots of things I can change, but guilt bogs me down. Perhaps if I let go of the guilt and know I'm doing the best I can, perhaps then I can do even better.

Snuggles

Basketball was a failure.  We tried one more time but it was a disaster, he wouldn't leave my side to play. So I pulled him out and we'll try again another time, perhaps in another year.  It is odd, since starting school he has been really cuddly.  He wants to spend his time snuggling with me, and no one else will do. Even when my parents were here, he wanted me to read stories and put him to bed. Every night he fights going to bed and wants me to come up and snuggle longer. Now don't get me wrong, I love cuddles with my boy, but it's getting a bit strange and I am sure there is something behind it, but I'm not sure what.

Today we got the first note from the teacher, apparently while playing at the sandbox Jackson hit another boy.  I know he gets a little more aggressive when he's tired.  So I'll chalk it up to that, and hope we get it better. We talk about using words instead of hands, and read books like "Hands are Not for Hitting".  But man this little boy has a temper. I know I do too, so perhaps he comes by it honestly. Whether genetics or example, I can't say. I do try and hold my temper, do all the things you are supposed to do, but I can be an aggressive driver and it comes out then.

Had a pet emergency last week. Came home to find blood all over the floor.  At first I thought it was one of the cats but then the dog was limping and had a bloody foot.  He had ripped one of his nails off, man they bleed a lot!  Called up the vet, they could see us right away, so I picked up Jackson quickly at daycare and rushed off to the vet.  That was costly.  Just that day I had been thinking I really need to have more in savings for emergencies.  Now I know I need to, so debt repayment is slowing a bit so that I can save and not need to use that for vet visits and things like that.  But it sucks any way. Poor puppy has a sore foot, took antibiotics and pain meds.  The bandage, which cost money of course, fell off before we got home. I rewrapped his foot twice before I gave up. I will say though, walking in the door to so much blood was not something I want experience again!

So bedtime, what a difficult thing. He knows the routine, but for some reason, now instead of going to sleep, he come out to find me and wants to snuggle.  But he doesn't really want to, because when I try he gets all antsy and can't sit still. Eventually he settles down and finally goes to sleep.  It is an earlier bedtime than it used to be.

Other than the earlier bedtime, and time after work before I get kiddo, I am not sure I made the right choice sending him to this new daycare/school situation. I think he's ready but not. It's all just a little much for me, and him. Big changes and we are adjusting but it's difficult. I am sure it will all work out fine, but I have to say I wish I could win the lottery so I could home school.

I hope to have my debts paid off, credit improved and a down payment by 2015, when I should be able to buy a house.  I wish I could buy one right now but I know I need to wait, have no choice but to wait. Two years isn't that long, right?

A school dilemma I'm at a loss to solve

Jackson has been doing well since school started up.  He is obviously tired (and upstairs actually having a nap right now!) and it is a big change.  One of the boys he talks about is Dante.  According to Jackson, Dante is a bad boy and they are not friends.  I know Jackson has a temper, he has had issues with biting in the past, and hitting, especially when he's tired.  I don't want him to be fighting in school, or daycare.  Apparently Dante is in the daycare but the other kindergarten class, so they are apart for 3 hours during the day.

Today we met up with some new friends at a play gym, and Dante happened to be there.  Jackson did not want to play with him but Dante was very interested in him.  We left to go to McDonald's for lunch with our new friends, they have a play area. So after the kids ate they got to go climb.  Dante again showed up.  Jackson was not happy about this but he was doing ok at first.  Then I noticed Dante was right in Jackson's face, grabbing him, pulling him close, not letting him "get away".  And knowing my son I went to intervene because I didn't want him hitting!  So I went in to get between them but Dante ignored me completely, I ended up having to pick up Jackson so he could get away.  At this point Dante's mom came in the room as well (the play area is behind glass) and spoke to Dante to leave Jackson alone.  They went off into the tunnels.  A few minutes later Dante came out crying.  Jackson had bit him.  His mom took him away, didn't say anything to me.  Jackson eventually reappeared, and we also left.

But I am concerned.  I think Dante likely has some form of Asperger's or autism of some form and doesn't understand personal boundaries. He likes Jackson and so wants to be near him when playing. He doesn't understand this is not appropriate and Jackson doesn't like it. I understand completely that this is a mental health issue, that it's a disability and needs to be accommodated.  But I am not sure how to help Jackson deal with it. I obviously don't want him biting, hitting or otherwise tormenting Dante, but he also shouldn't have to defend himself from the invasion of his personal space.

I plan to speak to the teachers at daycare on Monday.  I assume they will have some ideas, and I will speak to Jackson and try to help him understand.  It is hard, Jackson is a big boy for his age, he is also still only 3, and he has a temper.  So we are going to work on it of course. But I actually find it easier to help him deal with the little girl in a wheelchair in his class, who can't speak or walk (and so has to play sitting down!), than this particular issue. I don't want to turn him into a bully, but I also want to protect his personal space.  We'll see I guess, how we manage to get through this!

Staggered Start, finally the first day!

Jackson had his first actual school day today.  I dropped him off at daycare as usual, and they took him over to the classroom around 9:10 am and he spent the morning there. They read the Kissing Hand, and did a little hand print art thing.  I have no idea what else they did as Jackson was rather upset it was only half a day and he wanted to spend more time there. I guess that is a good thing!  But it was a little anti climatic for him I guess.  He was very tired, this whole change has been quite draining on him, tonight he went up to bed at 7, after a mild tantrum due to being over tired. He did fall asleep very fast.  I think he`s got a bit of a cold too, which is not a good thing!  My parents are coming to visit this weekend, and we have the first indoor soccer day on Saturday. It`s going to be busy, and I just have to hope he gets enough sleep. I am sure in another few weeks we`ll be all sorted out and back on track.

Lunches are actually going well. He is eating what I send, and hasn`t complained, yet!  Tomorrow is tricky, it was pouring rain so no lunch meat for a sandwich. I could make him tuna but he already had it once this week and I don`t like to serve it too often.  Probably going to be a crackers and cheese meal. I am glad he likes his fruit and veggies.  The funny thing is some parent`s on facebook are complaining about having to get pizza lunches for their kids at school, every week!  At least with the half days I don`t have that issue.  So far any way. I hope not at all, I don`t know if I could really say no. Though he`s not that fond of pizza in most cases any way. He does like his sandwiches, and fruits.  I have been told not to send cookies, this was my son telling me!  It was pretty funny.  So not more cookies at school, though he sure asks for them at home!

I am sure it`s the being tired, but he sure has gotten some attitude! He says and does things now that he didn`t used to, I`m sure it`s needing more sleep, but it makes me wonder.  Is this my little boy who was all smiles and just learning how to walk!  He is so grown up.  It makes me a little bit sad.

First day of school. He didn`t want to be smiling in the picture

One week down...

Well the first week is done!  The next two are going to be difficult.  Today we finally got to meet the teacher.  Jackson liked the classroom and the teacher, he had a lot of fun building a train track.  But then it was over and time for daycare and he was rather put out that he didn't get to finish building the train, and didn't get to stay at school!  He wants to go badly, and has to wait until Thursday for his day (morning really), then not start daily until the following Tuesday!  Add in the fact it's immersion so he'll spend one week in the English classroom with that teacher, then switch to the French for the following week, in another classroom with another teacher. It's going to take awhile to get him used to it.  As shown today, he doesn't handle disruption to his schedule very well.  He was out of sorts all day, the one teacher mentioned it to me on pick up. He didn't nap, didn't eat most of his lunch, and was just generally cranky.  Leading to a full blown hitting/biting/screaming fit when I mentioned it was bedtime because someone was tired.  Yeah, he hasn't done that in ages!  Way over tired.  Hopefully he sleeps well tonight, and in tomorrow morning (ha ha ha).

I am also exhausted!  It's been a long week, for a short week.  The first day I picked him up, he complained he didn't get to play outside, so the second day I went home and walked the dog first.  I was still too early. Apparently the dog and I are going to be getting a lot of walking in, and dinner will be later than it was before, since we actually get home closer to 5 than 4:30 like we used to!  Crazy. I feel bad leaving him in care for the extra time but he doesn't seem to care and enjoys it. Today may have been too much for him, he was very tired, but I didn't know that until I picked him up.

So yes, daycare/school is going well so far. I am glad of that, and look forward to getting a good routine and some stability.  The exercise is nice, and is helping the dog quite a bit too!

Ok - off topic but I'm watching House Hunters while I write this... these people are looking at HUGE homes for $200k or so. Here that would buy you a one bedroom condo if you are lucky.  Nuts.  I preferred the one before this though, the international one, they were buying a house in Tahiti.  Yeah I'd live there!  I really need to win the lottery ;-)  

First Day at the New Daycare

Today went really well, for Jackson. I was worried the whole day that he would be upset or put off by the change but when I picked him up I was told not to come so early next time and he was having a lot of fun.  He was the first kid to get dropped off, I thought there would be other kids there that early but I guess not. Oh well!  He likes to be first so that's ok.  The next kid to arrive was a grade 4 kid? Somewhere around there, a boy, named Jack.  Who Jackson now tells me is his only friend.  Uh huh.  He just doesn't remember anyone else's name.  Though there was a kid in a white shirt.

He didn't eat the snack I sent, which is fine, they haven't started the kindergarten side of things yet so I get it. He at his sandwich, fruit and animal crackers.  He didn't eat his tomatoes and when I asked him why he said it was because no one else had them.  Strange.  He must have eaten the provided snacks because he wasn't starving when I got him home.  He asked for a grilled cheese tomorrow, so that's all done up and in the fridge.  Yeah it'll be a cold one!  With some mango and a snacky treat of some sort.  I'm sure he'll be ok with that.  And I will come home after work, walk the dog and then go get him.  I want him to have fun and enjoy it, and to make new friends, so I'll give him some time to do that.

All in all, it went well and I am happy with the decision to move him, quick as it was.  Now I just need work to sort itself out.  I got a new team due to some team shuffling, this was at the beginning of the summer.  All summer I have been talking to my new team, asking what's going on, what needs doing, who needs help, etc.  But am constantly told "nothing" and so it goes.  Well, tragedy struck and the husband of one of my team passed away suddenly.  No one is sure when she'll return to work, and I have to pick up the work. With no idea what she was doing. I truly feel bad for her, she has 3 boys at home, youngest I think is starting grade 9 or so.  She's originally from another town and they were visiting there for the long weekend when it all happened, so that adds to the drama of it.  Hopefully I'll be able to figure out what's going on and pick up the slack.  I'm sure my boss, who was off all summer for medical reasons, thinks I'm useless.  Talk about added stress!  I think the after work walks with be a big help for me.

Tomorrow is another day, and lunches are ready, clothes are picked out, and everything is all set.  Except taking the garbage out tonight.  I should really go do that!

School starts in the morning!

Well sort of.  Tomorrow is Jackson's first day at the daycare in the school, but we don't meet the teacher until Friday, and he doesn't do his first day until the following week, after which he will start in the classroom.  But it is still a big change for us, the new routine, me making lunches! and the new location.  He is nervous, he says he doesn't want to go, the excitement has worn off I guess, but he will be fine. He is pretty good at making friends, and knows the daycare/school rules (such as we share everything! for any Robert Munsch fans), he is good about sharing and taking turns.  His hitting has greatly decreased, and seems to only pop up when he is overly tired, hungry or really stressed.  So tomorrow should be fun.

We had a great long weekend at my parent's.  Last trip until Thanksgiving in October.  I think Jackson was ready to come home because he is a little worried about school starting.  He certainly got up very early everyday we were there, and is quite tired now. We'll try and have an early night, with a bath to get him clean for his first day.  Is it wrong that I don't have a fancy back to school outfit planned or picked out?  We have the backpack, and a lunch box.  I made a lunch, and a snack.  Of course I don't think it fits very well in the lunch box, and we may need a better one of those!

For lunch I made a sandwich, some pineapple, tomatoes from our garden and a pack of animal crackers.  Snack is some rice crackers, beef jerky and some craisins.  All dried stuff!  We get our produce box on Wednesday so it'll be easier to do fruit then.  I didn't get to pick anything up this weekend because we were out of town.  I am very glad he doesn't need any school supplies yet, though that may change over the week, who knows!  I hope not though.  Oh, milk and water are provided on the daycare side, where he'll be spending the whole day tomorrow.  But I do have a water bottle for him and will send it.  And of course there will be ice packs in with the lunch.  Though most of it is not really going to go bad.

I think I am more nervous that Jackson is. This will be a big change, and even the route I take to work, and my schedule are going to change.  I am hoping that I will be able to work 7:30 to 3:30 and get home around 4, then be able to take the dog for a walk/run. Though this means Jackson will be in care from 7 until 4:40 or so, which is an hour longer than the old place.  I feel a little guilty over that, but I know that the dog is in serious need of exercise and training.   It could change once it gets colder any way :-)  I am not good in the cold and snow!

To get ready for school we've been reading The Kissing Hand, which is a great little book.  I am not sure if it will help or not, but I am hopeful that when he misses me he will remember it.  I highly recommend it for any kids going off to any care situation.

A week to school

I think I am more worried about this change than Jackson is.  Apparently I do not handle change very well either.  He has been a lot more cuddly lately, and looking for comfort and reassurance.  I know he's trying to process the whole change and we talk about it every night at bedtime, but he is also doing quite well with everything.  I managed to get all the paperwork done, phew!  Short time frame but I did it. I still haven't heard from the school at all, hopefully this week, to confirm everything, and his start date for school.  He starts at the daycare September 3rd, and they do a staggered start in the school, so we go in to meet the teacher, then later he starts with a small group, and finally the whole group of kids.  I think he will be one of 10 or so that are also in the daycare, so he will have built in friends, which is great.

I am a little nervous about the daycare, I have been spoiled with the brand new facility he's been at.  The new place is more chaotic in layout, and while I know he will do well there, it was a little overwhelming, with the kids who are so much older than he is.  But he will be with them only before school and after the full day kids, as well as the PD days.  I hope that the first day goes really well.

We have been talking about what he'll do, and how to make a new friend, even what to eat for snacks and lunch. I know he's nervous about it, but also excited. I think he will miss the place he's been going, it's been 2 years and he has some good friends.

School will bring changes for me too.  Because the new daycare opens half an hour earlier I hope I am able to work 7:30 to 3:30 instead of 8 to 4.  I will then come home and walk/run with the dog.  Pick the kid up at 4:30.  So he'll be in care for an extra hour but I think it will be worth it as the dog has been greatly neglected lately. He needs the exercise, and so do I!  I don't expect exercise will help me lose much weight, but it will help me feel better, which is more important I suppose.

We'll also have different weekends, with soccer on Saturday mornings and Sunday mornings will be basketball. I had signed him up with the expectation of our normal routine, but this will be busier for sure.  It should help curb the spending/shopping habits though.  Since we'll be busy all morning we'll have to plan for meals, and spend some time in the afternoon prepping for the next week.  I know we will have to prep a lot since I'll be sending in snack for school and lunch for daycare.  So that's a lot of healthy stuff to figure out and not be boring with.  I hope it means I will also take my own lunch with more regularity.  I tend to get lazy, especially around pay day :-)

I keep going over and over the math.  And I can't see how I can afford another baby.  I mean in my head I know this.  I know if I want to take him on a Disney Cruise or really anywhere, if I want to buy a house, I can't afford it.  My heart is having a hard time letting go.  Even knowing that if I were to get pregnant this fall he'd be almost 5 by the time baby 2 arrives, or if I wait another year, he'll be 6!  That seems like such a big gap. But for some reason I can't quite let it go.  I wonder if when he's 20, and I'm 55 and retiring, if I'll even be able to let it go then. Probably not.

School!

I was pretty sure of my decision to keep Jackson out of school for one more year, I hadn't been offered a subsidized daycare position in the school daycare and I can't afford the full price, so I knew I could wait a year, school would be full days and I'd only need to worry about before school care which I can afford.   Today I got a phone call from the school daycare, offering me that subsidized spot. Eek!  I asked for some time to think about it, and hung up. Immediately called my mom, of course.  And we talked it through. Then I had to call the school to register him, which of course is closed for the summer but I can register him at the school board. Then called the daycare he's at and talked to the director.  Finally, called and left messages with the subsidy person, hopefully there are no issues and the payments simply transfer over, but I have no idea how that part works and it is the last bit that is stressing me out.

So yeah, Jackson starts junior kindergarten in two weeks. Seriously.  I will have to worry about a snack for the classroom, lunch in the daycare, and what to get him, back to school shopping!  I wasn't expecting it so I have no budget for it.  This is going to be interesting to say the least!

I also signed  him up for indoor soccer and basketball, our weekends are going to be busy, I suspect he'll be a tired little boy for awhile. We'll be busy.  Such changes. I am probably going to change my hours at work a bit as well, and may either do an extra half hour a day so I can take a day off every 3 weeks, or just go home right after, walk the dog, then go pick up the kid.  We'll see on that front.  I'm sure the dog would vote for walking him. It will be strange to drive right back to this area at the end of the day, not have to stop half way, not have to deal with the extra traffic.  I hope it turns out ok.

I think the part that scares me most, is the lunches. I need to make sure he has healthy lunches now, that I put together, and that he will eat. He has had a variety of food at daycare, and he'll eat quite a bit there, now it's up to me to put things together!  I have been looking at a lot of sites and blogs with kid lunches for school, one thing we need to get are some containers that he can open. I normally use one brand but he can't get the lids off, so I'll need to get some different ones.

I am not sure my little boy is totally ready for school, but he probably will be by January, and I don't want to lose the spot in the daycare.  So. There you go! Off to school in two weeks.  Oh my.

Vacation

Jackson and I are just back from visiting my parents for a week.  It was really nice, he had a lot of fun. But he is happy to be home and never wants to go back. I am pretty sure it's just that he doesn't know how to express the emotions he's feeling, he loves my parents and playing at their house, he loves spending time with them, but he is sad to leave, and doesn't know how to deal with it. It is interesting to see him try and work through it, and try to help him sort it out. That it is ok to be upset that we came home, but also happy to be home in our own space.

We did a lot while we were down there, went shopping a couple times, had lunch at the mall, played in the backyard, went to the beach, and he spent one day without me. I went to Toronto to meet up with some ladies I met online, yes I know, and had a nice day. Jackson went fishing and of course my dad didn't take any pictures! Hopefully next time. I found Toronto to be big and busy, and smelly. I do not ever want to live there.

I also realized while down there that I had made a mistake in my budget, I took daycare out as of September and never put it back when I decided to keep him going for an extra year, so I had to fix that and it makes me sad. I've been spending and shopping like I have money when I don't. So now it's catching up to me, and it means I can't afford to try for another this fall/winter. And I don't think waiting another year is a good option. So I guess I'm done. Which is sad to me. I know it's my own fault, and wonder if I did it in part to avoid the question to begin with. I don't have a decision to make, it's been made by my own foolishness.  It's not really a bad thing, we are a happy little family and things are pretty comfortable.  Jackson is a good kid, we have our moments but I am learning how to deal with him.  Even bedtime is getting better.  We spend a few minutes talking over the day, and it helps him to settle down and go to sleep.

So we have two more days until it's back to the grind. We have gift certificates to go see a movie. I am thinking of taking him to his first movie!  It will either be a big hit or a disaster, I am hoping for a hit. I miss going to movies. And since this first one is free, if it's a disaster, well then it's ok.

The talker

When Jackson was about a year I was worried because he didn't talk very much.  I was showing him signs and he wouldn't do them. He always seemed to know what I was saying, just not want to talk himself.  Then he started.  And now he doesn't stop!  Honestly from when he wakes up until he falls asleep he is constantly talking, and eating.  It exhausts my parents when we visit, and me sometimes. But it's also pretty neat.

The latest thing is at bedtime he wants to chat, we talk about all kinds of things, once it was imagining our perfect house, tonight it was talking about our holidays that are coming up.  He always has one more thing to say.  If I leave before he's done I'll hear "mommy I have to tell you something!" over the monitor, and of course then have to listen to whatever he has to say. Sometimes he works out things that have happened, or things we watched.  When we watched Finding Nemo he kept asking why Nemo touched the boat, it was the part that he couldn't understand.

He is a pretty sensitive kid, he likes to try and make the other kids feel better if they are upset at daycare.  But on the other hand he also has quite the temper, and really doesn't like it when you call him on it.  He got mad at the dog and hit him on the head with a plastic hammer.  He got in trouble for it and I left him downstairs crying while I went up to find the dog and make sure he was ok.  A few nights later Jackson woke up crying because Riley was talking to him.  He said Riley told him "Jackson you hurt me!"  Ah so the guilt appeared.  It takes him awhile but he gets there.

And the eating.  My boy likes his food.  He starts eating as soon as I pick him up from daycare and doesn't stop until he falls asleep.  He takes a snack, or two, up to bed with him.  I only wish it wasn't so much carbs, crackers, cookies, granola bars, cereal.  He does love his beef jerky though, and I will be making more this weekend, it's hard to keep up!  I worry what he will be like when he hits his teens, will I be able to keep enough food around for him?  Who knows.  But I hope he keeps up with the few good habits mixed in there, he loves broccoli, fruits, carrots.  And protein. I am glad I have another year before he'll start school, so I can figure out what type of lunches to make for him, and how to pack them.

I am also working on his fine motor skills, he prefers to not have to do some things, anything really that takes control.  But he loves his Leappad, so he is using that for games and other things, using play doh, and anything else we can think of.  He doesn't really like to do art very much, no colouring or anything, but I do try to encourage it a bit.

All in all, I have to say I love that kid.  He is pretty great, and I enjoy the conversations we have. He likes to talk, and I like to listen to him. So that works out for us.

The Heat

It's gotten hot.  And I am not complaining about it really, but it's affecting Jackson a bit.  He was exhausted today and yesterday, I'm a little concerned he's coming down with something. Bad time of year to be sick.  I am very glad we have the central air this summer, I am not sure how we managed without it for so many summers.  It's funny that in the winter we long for summer but then the heat comes and we complain.  So I am not complaining, I am trying to enjoy it.  Of course sitting outside in a puddle of sweat is not really that much fun. So we try and do the outside stuff in early morning and after dinner.  Of course I'd rather just stay in, in general I'd rather stay in.  I am not so much of a social person I guess.  I don't mind that but I know it's harder for Jackson, so I do what I have to for him.

Last weekend we got together with a little friend of his from daycare, he's going off to school and his mom is determined to maintain connections for him, so there will be play dates in the future.  It was fun, but 4 hours at the park/splash pad was a little much for me.

We have new neighbours to move in soon, and the other side both houses are for sale, so I am hoping, really hoping, for a kid or two his age.  I do want him to have friends, and having playmates is important. As well as a small break for mommy.  I know that I need some small breaks, but still feel guilty.

Tonight he's gone to sleep early, he was asleep by 7:30 which is very unusual.  Yesterday he actually had a  nap!  He hasn't had a nap for me in months.  So he is either not feeling well or it's the heat.  I am hoping he stays asleep all night, and there are no early morning wake ups.

What next?

I'm feeling stuck.  Our lives have settled into a little routine, it's pretty boring and bland.  Now I'm not the type who likes too much excitement, but this is a little boring even for me.  We have the same routine every work day, and on the weekends. I try and get us out a bit more, we go to parties when invited, visit my parent's on the long weekends, stop by my sister's to play with her new puppy.  And of course spend too much time in stores, especially ones that sell toys.  But by nature I am an introvert, I prefer to spend time at home, relaxing. I know my son would prefer to be out at the parks, finding new friends to play with. I worry I am damaging him, or not giving him enough opportunities.

Normally when I feel like this I start dreaming, and planning. I plan to get a cat, or a dog, or have another baby.  Something.  And those thoughts are in me now.  The baby thing is tricky. I am fairly sure I am losing fertility quickly. I wanted to get another kitten, but money is an issue.  Or a dog,  but my current dog is being difficult and I'm considering giving him up to a rescue that will find him a new home.  What will happen?  I'm not entirely sure.

I know for sure I need to fix what I eat.  A lot of junk and processed stuff finds it's way into our home and meals.  That needs to change. As hard as it is.  I am not 100% sure how I will do that. But I am giving myself until the end of August to figure it out. At that time, if things are going well I will add in some supplements that may help improve my fertility. It gives me a bit of time to sort it out, and also to figure out if this is what I really want.

One thing I really need to work on is the toys. We have way too many and every time we leave the house he asks for more!  He tries anything he can think of to manipulate me into getting him more toys.  We don't have that kind of money but he doesn't get it. I am thinking an allowance will be what we need to do but how to start it and get him to understand it. What is a good amount to give? He's only 3 but the toys he wants are $20!  He used to be happy with the $1 car toys, now he wants the big ones. There are things we need to get, like a new bike for me, and a tow bar to connect his bike. I wanted to hire a dog trainer, but may not be able to do even that. Money sucks, and I've started him badly with it. Now I'm not sure how to fix it.

So health for me, finances for both of us. And in the end, we'll be better off for it. I hope to also get us out more, to do more. That may indeed be the hardest part of it all.

Messed up Cycles

Life is going pretty well for us.  The house is nice, and we are enjoying it.  The weather has really warmed up finally.  We finally have central air though and it is sure lovely.  We are still having some timing issues, with Jackson not wanting to sleep at bedtime, and daycare letting him nap too long.  It gets better, then worse again. Weekends are better, with no naps.  He loves his balance bike, and is so good at it now.  He should be on a regular bike by the end of the summer, my parents are getting him one soon. I am also going to get myself a better bike and a tow bar, so I'll be able to hook his up to mine and we can go off on longer rides. I hope. 

For me, I am struggling with my weight, as always, and in connection, my health.  Heartburn is back, and though my gallbladder has not flared up lately, knock wood, I don't feel entirely healthy. Slowly we are eating better, and with the kiddo's bike rides, I am getting some quick paced walks in.  I need to do more of course, since I want to heal myself.  I am also concerned, my monthly cycle is getting shorter, which I'm sure is not a good thing.  The past few months it has been 24 to 25 days, instead of the 28 it should be. I'll do some reading on that soon, thought I'm somewhat worried what the result means.

I've started doing some yoga, and hope to do some cardio and other things, short workouts. I do them after dinner, Jackson goes to play in the basement and I workout in the living room.  So far just a couple yoga workouts, it feels good to stretch. Jackson certainly doesn't like me taking the time from him, but he gets over it, and when I'm done he is happy to play again.

Why does it matter? I don't think I'm going to have a second child. Somedays I would love to, and other days, it seems stupid to consider it.  I have my hands full with one!  If I was going to do that I should have done it sooner. Now it seems too late, like I've missed the chance. Never mind the work, I'm not sure I can handle being pregnant again, giving birth, what to do about daycare, all of it.  Though I miss having a baby, miss that early stage that seems to fly by.  And I know it only lasts a little while, still is so amazing and fun though. 

Course there is also the lack of sleep thing, and with another child running around, who does not nap, well I can't see that being any fun at all.  In any case.  It seems to be irrelevant, I won't get the chance any way. I guess I just hate that I have no real choice.

What a day!

The weather is finally lovely and so we have been busy outside.  This morning we went and picked up 20 bags of soil for the backyard garden.  Then we had to get all of that into the backyard.  We went back out to pick up a few perennials, brought those home (along with some donuts) and went back out to take the dog to the dog park to run around.  My exercise for today, carrying 20 bags of 9kg of soil to the backyard, one at a time.  And walking around the dog park, chasing a dog and 3-year-old.  Phew!

When we came home from the dog park we had a late lunch and then Jackson went out to play with the neighbour kids in the front.  He had a lot of fun and is getting really good at his balance bike.  He was pretty upset when it was time to come back in but he did.  He was very tired, had a little rest on the couch while I made dinner, didn't eat his dinner, then wanted ice cream.

Speaking of ice cream, the ice cream truck came around while the kids were all out front.  First time for Jackson and he loved it.  I guess I'd better make sure to have a few bucks around the house from now on!  He ate about half of the ice cream, mama got to finish it ;-)

After dinner we went back out to the front but there were no kids, so we came back in and he had a snack before we were supposed to go up to have a bath and bed.  He saw the neighbours in their backyard, got upset, so I told him he could come back out to play after he was clean.  He finally agreed.  We went up, did the bath and put him back in clothes.  Then back out to the backyard.  At 8 I told him it was time to go in, he started screaming and throwing a fit.  The neighbours took him over the fence, and fed him a hamburger.  I went over after I fixed the screen door (unrelated to the fit throwing, it simply fell off).  He played tag until 9.  Not that he knows how to play of course, but he had a lot of fun and did a lot of running.  Fingers crossed he sleeps in tomorrow!  But it's not that likely. 

I am really going to miss these neighbours, they are very good to us, especially Jackson who likes them.  I really hope whoever moves in is as good and fun.  Jackson will make friends no matter what, he has no difficulty talking to new people and playing with them, he watches and then joins in.  Me, I have a hard time talking to new people but for his sake I do it.  Amazing what children push you to do that you never thought you could. 

Tomorrow will be another busy day.  We'll be putting the soil in the garden, possibly planting some seeds.  I'd like to do another dog walk and then of course there will be more playing outside. I also have a few loads of laundry to do, and meals to plan, prep and cook for.  It will be busy, and long, and hopefully the end is better than tonight (ie he goes to be before 9!).

The neighbours

We are settled in the new house, and it's starting to really look good, and be good to be here.  I have a raised garden bed in the back, that I still need to fill with soil, and got a sandbox, BBQ and everything put together.  Jackson likes playing out front best though.  The weather has finally gotten nice and Jackson likes to be out there where the neighbours are playing.  The funny part is they are all moving away. We'll have new neighbours and I hope that they have kids his age, the 3 closest houses to us will be all new people by summer, if they sell and rent that is. 

It is funny to watch Jackson play out there, the kids will bring their things over to the driveway and drop them, so he grabs them to play with. The kids try to reclaim them and he'll say they were done so it's his turn.  These are the daycare rules of play.  He doesn't understand that somethings belong to people and they don't want to share them.  We try to discuss it but he is pretty stubborn.  The one neighbour gave us a scooter and a blue push car that Jackson loves to play with.  Very nice, I will miss them. 

Of course now that the weather has improved, I've caught a cold. My usual spring cold I guess.  No it's not allergies.  I hope it gets better soon. I should have gone to bed early, sleep more. But I just really can't. I don't know why but I can't. I am worried about a lot of stuff I guess.  I am trying to fight it off, and trying to cook this week, take my lunch, eat better. All that good stuff. I have to plan my meals, and stick to the plan. I am getting the organic produce delivered biweekly which is great, Jackson loves it and so do I. 

I finally got moved at work to a window seat again. I missed it all winter, I'm sure it was part of why I was depressed.  Less sunlight. I also sit much closer to my coworkers, and have moved far from the yackers. It is a much nicer desk, glad to have it. And the work is making sense, I can do it, and fairly well too.

Spring has sprung... not!

I am very tired of winter and snow and all the nonsense that goes along with it.  We had a winter storm today, April 12th.  Freezing rain, snow, lots of loveliness.  I stayed home, Jackson stayed home. I just did not want to go anywhere to drive.  It made for a longish day, but Jackson played in the basement on his own for awhile, I played with him and we watched some TV.  It was a pretty good day, until bedtime of course. But even that seems to be getting better, or I am more immune to it, I don't know.  He still takes longer to fall asleep than I think he should.  But he cries less, I don't go up as often, and he seems to be getting better.

I am anxious to get our garage empty and the backyard filled up. We have a picnic table, outside coffee table, and BBQ to put together.  We also have the sandbox to fill up and set up.  I'd like to get a gazebo thing for some shade, and a couple raised beds.  We have no shade in the back in the afternoon and I think that will be important.  I also want to plant some vegetables in the back, perhaps some perennials and annuals but those don't need to go in the bed, they can be just a border garden.  I can either get the raised bed from a hardware store for about $100, plus the soil, or try and make one.  Which probably won't happen. 

I think growing some vegetables will be good for us both, could save some money, and it will be nice for Jackson to help.  I will have to be prepared to not really get very many actual vegetables, or have them picked too early, or too late.  Hopefully it will work out.

We got our second organic delivery box this week, it has some really good stuff in it, and Jackson has already eaten 2 of the pears, the whole red pepper, and I have to figure out what to do with the fennel.  I am really liking the boxes, but I am still thinking of switching to just vegetables.  We go to costco Saturday and will see what fruits they have, perhaps we can get some things to supplement, not sure. 

I bought a Neato, it is an awesome little robot vacuum.  It works.  Cleaned the whole main floor!  I hate cleaning, especially vacuuming.  Now I don't have to!  I set the machine and it will clean the main floor twice a week. I will either move it upstairs once a week or consider getting a second one at some point for up there.  The pets were really interested, well Riley just stayed out of the way, Joshua freaked out and was upset by it, and Snickers told me off the whole time it was going, like he was saying "that's not right, why is it moving on it's own?"  Very funny.  I had to run it today to see how it works of course.  Yes I know, we were home I could have just used the regular vacuum. 

Joshua had his checkup and will be getting fixed next Friday, about time.  He was really good at the appointment, and calm.  The operation should be pretty quick.  Hardest part will be no food after 10pm the night before, really just because the cats are normally fed at bed time so Snickers will be quite upset. 

The house next door is for sale. I checked out the ad of course, it's only 1 1/2 baths, and seems a bit smaller, though the backyard is a little bigger.  It has two big trees in the backyard, which shade it a lot, and would make for a bad garden space. It has laminate all over. I'm not sure I'd buy it.  I do hope whoever buys it make nice neighbours though.

Must be bedtime, I really need to get more sleep. And exercise. And eat better. Ok.

feels like a breaking point

I am not sure if there is some hormonal pms type issue going on, but in addition to that, I have to say, I am so tired.  Tired of the bedtime fights, and the difficulty that goes with it.  I am tired of my dog, tired of my boy trying my patience and me losing it.  I just don't know what to do any more, it feels like I am angry and upset way more than I need to be, more than I want to be.  I just don't understand it any more.

I still love being a mom, and love my son. But boy oh boy, does he know how to push my buttons, and sometimes he seems to do it on purpose. Like bedtime tonight, he finally went upstairs, then went and hid in my closet instead of going into the bathroom to pee, brush his teeth and get his pj's on.  I tried counting, he eventually started crawling towards the bathroom, ok at least he was moving in the right direction, but then, he kept going, right on past it.  Umm no. So I grabbed him, put him in the bathroom and sat him on the potty. He started to scream at me, I mean the high pitched screech that everyone can hear. At that point I lost it. I screamed right back... yeah how wonderful. He kept crying, I got him ready for bed, his teeth brushed, and carried him into his room.  I told him I'm done with this nonsense and he knows better.  He kept crying. I told him I lost my temper, he told me to put it back.  Yeah... I'm getting temper advice from my kid. I ended up reading him a story and saying good night.  I didn't bring the monitor down tonight. I will go up and check on him again shortly, but I don't hear any screaming. Not sure if I would or not from down here. 

Something needs to change, this can't go on. I don't like being angry, I take it out on the dog.  Poor dog, he got a walk today but certainly not daily. He gets ignored, and I feel like I'm neglecting him. I don't even know what to do about that, do I try and re home him?  He's 7 but probably have another 10 years in him. He is probably not the best dog to have with kids, he has nipped at Jackson, like a herding dog, which of course I don't like, and he barks a lot.  But he's very much my dog, though I think he's been changing that a bit as well. He will go for a walk with other people. Is it fair to try and find him a new home?  Probably not.  Is it fair to keep going with him as is?  Definitely not. What to do? I'll have to figure that out I guess.  Soon too.

I had naively hoped that moving would help with the sleep issues, perhaps help my temper as well. But I know it will take more, that I need to change things up, to let something go. When I was at my wits end with the night time bottle feeding, I ended up having to let it go, it got to a point where I simply realized I had to embrace it, and that helped. I am not sure if that is even possible in this case, I do know that I have to do something though, some change or we'll both suffer for it. We already are really. 

Ah bedtime, wth!

I really really do not understand why my son does not like to go to sleep.  Seriously. I don't get it at all, have no clue and it drive me nuts, leaves me feeling angry and upset.  I can't imagine how he feels at the end of it, and I am just lost how to fix it. I almost wish he still had a bottle, at least he'd fall asleep! 

Tonight, being Friday, I thought I'd see if staying up a little would make it easier, so he got to stay up until 8:30, instead of 7:30 like normal.  Which lead to a bought of extreme silliness that drives me nuts, and he finds hilarious. End result, I yelled, he got upset, I put him in bed and told him I won't be back until morning.  Which of course isn't really true since I'm a big sucker.  But no more bedtimes snacks, I think they were making it even harder to fall asleep.  He isn't asleep yet, but he's not crying.  So where does that leave us?  Who knows!!  I just feel totally lost and have no idea what to do or try, how to proceed. I obviously can't let him stay up all night, he gets very tired at bedtime, and has a hard time getting up in the morning.  He still naps at daycare, but apparently gets really hot, so they have started taking his shirt off, which is now how he wants to go to sleep.

Perhaps it's because he fell asleep with the bottle so long, but I really don't think so. He fights sleep, he does not want to stop.  Seriously, he talks constantly, even in bed.  But once he's asleep, he is out. He sometimes wakes up because he has to pee, usually very early in the morning, but he'll go back to sleep, and stay asleep until about 7:30 or so. 

I just really can't take it, I have no patience left for this nonsense, and procrastination over sleep. I don't get it at all. I like to sleep!  I like going to bed, I like sleeping in.  This is just nuts.

An experiment in being frugal

When Jackson starts school, at this point Sept 2014, I want to be able to work part time so I can put him on the bus and be there to meet him at the end of it, as well as take time off every summer.  In order to do all that I will take a pay cut.  So in anticipation of it, I am going to try living on what I believe I would be making, and saving the remainder so I have a backup in place. It is going to be very hard, especially with a three year old who wants something every time we go to the store.  To help with that we are implementing an allowance.  I will of course continue to buy his important things, but he will have to save up and buy his toys and DVDs.  He will get $3 every pay day (so two weeks).  It will be interesting to see what he gets right away and what he takes time to decide he wants.  Hopefully it helps teach him some lessons.

I have some debt to pay off as well, so that needs to happen over the next 15 months or so as well, it's not a lot but it needs to go.  We will have to be very strict with what we buy, from groceries to extras.  There isn't a whole lot that either of us needs except that Jackson will need clothes for spring/summer.  My parent's got him some nice shoes for Easter so other than perhaps some new rain boots, he will really only need things like shorts, t-shirts, underwear, socks, lots of stuff.  Swimsuit, pajamas. Oh well, we'll manage to stick to the budget I think, I hope. 

Sleep. Oh my, I enjoyed some nice sleep at my parent's place but that child is terrible to get down at night. I don't understand it at all. He is tired, he has big yawns, dark circles under his eyes, he is obviously tired. He just does not want to sleep. I really wish we lived in a bungalow, I go up and down the stairs to get him to sleep so many times a night, drives me crazy.  I always end up yelling and saying "this is unacceptable".  Which of course just upsets him a little more, and leads to even more fussing.  Every night it's one things after another. I really really hope this doesn't last for too much longer. I am hopeful that once the weather is nicer (where the heck is spring!) we will be able to get out for a walk or to play in the back every night to help him get extra tired. I hope.

We are doing well in the new house, but Jackson still sometimes asks to go back to the old house. He can't give me a real reason why he doesn't like this house, but I think he just doesn't handle big changes very well. He still thinks we should get our old car back, and we've had the new one since August. The commute is not much longer than, thought it adds a few minutes to our morning and the drive home.  Not too bad though.  We are closer to the stores we shop at, so our weekend driving is less, and we are close to more options than before, so that is a good things as well. I am glad we moved, but it was a lot of work, and I know we'll have to do it at least once more.  Hopefully not for awhile though. A long while.

Almost Easter

A four day weekend is quickly approaching. It will no doubt pass just as quickly and then be back to the grind.  But I am hoping to enjoy the few days at my parent's place.  My mom has said she'll get up with Jackson if he wakes up.  He sometimes does still, usually to pee, but some nights he doesn't.  Then there are nights like last night when he woke up but refused to go to the potty and I couldn't get him up from the bed without a fight, which led to an accident.  That takes a bit longer but so far I think he's had 3 accidents since he gave up the bottles.

I am a little annoyed that he still gets a nap everyday at daycare, he doesn't need them.  It leads to bedtimes like tonight where it took almost 2 hours for him to finally go to sleep.  And is a big fight between us.  Last night he was in bed and asleep within about 20 minutes, no fighting.  It was because there was no nap, and a nice walk outside to get some fresh air.  He plays outside at daycare, and he plays pretty hard, so he should be tired, but that nap, it kills bedtime!

Jackson is pretty excited about Easter this year, he wants chocolate. I hope he also enjoys the finding the eggs, and decorating the eggs.  I also hope he doesn't want to eat all the chocolate at once!  I am trying to get us both eating healthier. Yesterday I made a nice roast chicken and vegetables. I made him try the Brussels sprouts and sweet potatoes, as well as the things he likes, before I'd let him fill up on the rest. He was good and tried, but the gagging faces said quite a bit.  Funny because he loved sweet potatoes as a baby.  Tonight I did leftovers, which he wouldn't eat because it had "black things" in it, no idea what he saw but he refused to eat it so... he had a hot dog instead (all natural but still...)

Funny how you can learn things from watching sitcoms.  They are talking about the choice between working to make money, and provide everything, and being there for the special things.  It's something I've really been thinking about lately.  I am wondering what is the least I can work, and still be able to afford the life we want, but maybe be able to do things like put Jackson on the bus and get him off it at the end of the day, spend the summer with him.  I believe I can afford to do these things, but it will be a tight budget, so I should be practising now, and that is part of what I want to do now.  I want to live well below what I am making and save the difference. The problem of course is daycare, so if the difference is only the daycare then I'm stuck.  Need to work the math a little more I guess. 

I am really looking forward to the weekend, 3 more working days, 4 sleeps.  Great.  Can't wait.  I will of course worry about the cats but my sister will come check at them.  It will be nice to have some help, and for Jackson to spend time with my parents.  I hope to really enjoy the mini break.

Winter, winter... go away!!

It seems another snow storm is on the way.  There are supposed to be up to 20 cm falling starting tonight, and I am not happy.  Because my garage is full of stuff, I can't park in there so will have to clean the car off in the morning, and if I'm home when the drive way is cleared it'll be not done very well.  So I'm not happy. I want spring!!  I want warm weather and the snow to go away. I want to plant a garden, I want to go for walks, re-learn to ride a bike, get Jackson out on his bike.  I am so done with winter.

The move has been expensive, and I need to really buckle down or things are not going to go well.  The new place is costing more than the old one did, plus I have two places to pay utilities for this month. I also still owe my parents money, and my credit card is maxed out.  Stupid really, I know better.  I just can't say no to my kid, that would be the biggest part, I spend more on the boy and his toys than I should.  I am so not the parent I had planned to be. I was going to be one of those funky green mama's with wooden toys and a kid who had to learn to make believe without anything mechanical or electrical.  Now I'm the mom whose kid has pretty much every Mighty Machines movie, 100+ Hot Wheels cars, and gets a new something every time we go to Walmart.  It's terrible and so not what I had planned.  I hope that I can change it, but I have my doubts. 

Yesterday was a normal Sunday for us, nice breakfast, quick trip to the pet food store to pick up cat & dog food.  Then play time.  A couple friends came to see the new place, and gave me a nice house warming gift.  Then they left and I went in to the kitchen to make Jackson some scrambled eggs for dinner, I came back to find him asleep on the floor... child hasn't had a nap for me since December I think.  And there he was, passed out. 

Sleepy boy

If only he would fall asleep like that at bedtime.  He is just too busy, mind racing, the things he comes out with and says while he's supposed to be falling asleep.  He just wants to play and not stop.  He uses every excuse, has to pee, has to have a drink, needs something to eat, wants another toy.  It's very funny.  Very frustrating, and thank goodness for being able to tape shows! 

The potty training is going very well though, he has started to do all his business on there, and even stops to go pee when he has to. We have had one over night accident, not bad for about a month of no bottles!  And part of it is he wants to make me happy.  He knows I like it when he pees on the potty, and of course he wants to make me happy.  He also likes to show me when he has done his other business in there, which I much prefer to having to clean underpants or pjs. 

Being a mom is the most amazing thing. Sometimes I think I'm good at it, sometimes it's a real trial.  I know I make mistakes, I know there are some issues with our diet, not eating well enough, not getting out enough.  But I think my little boy loves me, and I know that I love him very much.  I am working on being a better mom, and hope that I can improve as life goes on.  I think my next step is to really make better choices for myself, to live a healthier way.

I think I am going to need more patience this summer, I plan to have a garden and I know Jackson will want to help with it, he always wants to help, take the garbage out, clean the house, do the dishes.  He is my little helper and he enjoys it, so I need to take advantage of that and make sure not to squash it even though doing it myself would be a lot easier.  Stepping back and letting him do it, help or try will be a key thing this summer.  Hopefully my patience holds out.